Scot Jokes

125 scot jokes and hilarious scot puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about scot that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Scot Short Jokes

Short scot jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The scot humour may include short lad jokes also.

  1. There's a stereotype that Scottish men are bad at showing their emotions. This isn't true! I once knew a Scot who loved his wife so much he almost told her!
  2. New Scottish First Minister just promised to renew negotiations for independence No matter what happens, I'm sure the English will walk out scot-free
  3. What's the difference between a German and a Scot? The German knows when he's not speaking English.
  4. A Scot and an Irishman walked into a pub. The Scot said, "All drinks are on me!" News headline the next morning:
  5. Why are Scots the toughest guys in the world? They wear kilts in a country where thistles grow waist-high.
  6. Scots vs English Why do Scotsman wear kilts? Cause sheep can hear a zipper at 50 yards.
    Why do the English wear trousers? Cause goats are deaf.
  7. The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. Wouldn't it just be easier to talk to a woman?
  8. An Irishman, a Scot and an Englishman walk into a pub... They each enjoyed a pint and shared some laughs. It was a great night.
  9. A fellow was boasting that he was born an Englishman and would die an Englishman. A passing Scot overheard and stopped to ask,
    "Dear God, man, have ye no ambition?!"
  10. The UK is leaving the EU and because of that, Scotland is moving for another Independence Referendum... So the english are going to get away scot free!

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Scot One Liners

Which scot one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with scot? I can suggest the ones about kilt and bagpipes.

  1. how many Scots does it take to screw in a lightbulb? ACH! It's nae THAT dark in here.
  2. Why do the Scots wear kilts? Sheep run away when they hear a zipper.
  3. Do you know how copper wire was invented? Two Scots fought over the same penny.
  4. How many Scots didn't turn up to vote? One in Fife
  5. Based on the Scotland vote results... It looks like the UK didn't get off Scot-free.
  6. Why did they execute William Wallace? They couldn't let him go Scot free.
  7. How did the Scot die? He got kilt.
  8. The problem with Scotland is .... It's full of Scots.
  9. What do you say to a girl from Glasgow hitting on you? Begone SCOT!
  10. What does a hermaphroditic scot wear? A polysporran.
  11. What is a Fascist Scot called? A NatScot
  12. An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot Don't get on well.
  13. What did the Scot say after shaggy his sheep? I love ewe!
  14. What will happen if somebody were to kill all Scotsmen? They will get off scot-free.
  15. What time does Sean Connery play a game of tennis? (Scots accent put on) Tenn-ish

Scot joke, What time does Sean Connery play a game of tennis? (Scots accent put on) Tenn-ish

Uproarious Scot Jokes to Share with Friends

What funny jokes about scot you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make scot pranks.

How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?

Very satisfying.

"Oh, just a scotch."

The bartender says, "what can I get for you?"
A tachyon walks into a bar.

A Scot finished making love with a woman, and heads to the bathroom.

She sees him remove and wash off his c**.... She says, "You Scots certainly are cheap b**...!"
The guy responds, "Hey, I have to clean it. It belongs to the club!"

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear the sound of a fly being undone.
(Recycled the joke from Mordecai Richler's "Barney's Version". It's a very good read with lots of content to laugh at if you have the time)

How does a Scotsman find a sheep in the tall grass?

Very satisfying.
Retweaked joke:
How does a (insert nationality here) find a sheep in the tall grass?
Very (insert extremely lustful emotion here)!

Q: How Do You Tell 2 Scottsmen Apart?

A: You lift their kilts, and whichever one has a Quarter Pounder is a McDonald!!

A Scottish Sargent knocks on a w**...-house door.

When the madam answers he says "Excuse me madam. But could you tell me how much you would charge for the pleasure of my company?"
The madam gives her price and they negotiate back and forth until they come to a bargain. Once the reach agreement the Sargent says "That sounds like a fair price."
Then he turns, gestures behind himself and yells "OK lads. We have a deal. Company h**...!"

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery.

But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case a need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW motorcycle, diamonds and a substantial sum of money.
A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another motorcycle, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...

A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just g**... the check to me".
Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".

Scottish man at the ranch

A scottish man is visiting a texas oilman. They spend hours touring the ranch; it's an enormous property. Eventually the oilman brags, "I can jump in my car and drive until sun down. I'd never hit the edge of my claim!". The scotsman replies, "Aye, I had a car like that once too".

F Scott Fitzgerald

...and F the Great Gatsby as well.

What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt?

If it's a good day lipstick

So a Scottish man is talking to his angry girlfriend....

She goes, "How many other girls have you had s**... with?" The Scotsman starts counting in his head, but after the 12th sheep, he falls asleep.

Two Scottish guys discussing a wedding..

First guys asks "What are ye wearing to yer weddin'?"
Second fella says "A kilt of course!"
First fella "What's the tartin?"
"She's wearing white" says his pal

A Scotsman is at a bar..

A woman at the bar looks on in interest at his kilt, noticing this he yells at her "You can put your hand up there if ya like!"
She can't contain her curiosity, and upon sliding her hand up his kilt she shrieks "Oh it's gruesome!"
He chuckles,
"Put your hand up again lass, It's grew some more!!"

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear zippers a mile off.

The English and the Scots.

A Englishman and a Scot are walking along the beach when the Englishman kicks over a lamp and a genie appears. He grants them one wish each. The Englishman says "I wish a hundred foot tall and 100 feet wide wall surrounded England, and no-one can get in or out." The genie snaps his fingers and says "It is done." He then turns to the Scot, who says "Fill it with water."

A scotsman walks out of a bar

It could happen.

An Irish, a Scot and an English man are digging.....

in their back gardens. 12 feet down the English man finds copper wire. In the local paper he announces England had internet 200 years ago.
The Scots mon finds wire at 16 feet and announces Scotland had internet 300 years ago.
The Irish man digs 22 feet! but finds nothing and states in the paper. 400 years ago Ireland had wireless.

A Scottish priest is driving home when he comes across a dead pig lying on the road.

So he calls the police to inform them.
A c**... sergeant answers the called. "Did ye read him his last rites?" smirks the sergeant.
"Naw." replies the priest." I thought I would inform his next of kin first!"

Why did Scottish baby sneeze?

It got week old.

I like my scotch like I like my women..

12 and single.

A Scotsman invented the first c**.... It was made out of a sheep's intestine.

Not too long after, the British improved on it by first removing the intestine from the sheep.

Regarding the SCOTUS approval of gay marriage, Iowa representative Steve King has just said (and this is a real quote) "you could marry your your lawnmower with this decision".

Marrying your lawnmower is fine, but when it comes time to leave, writing that John Deere letter is the toughest part.

Two Scottish nuns

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replied, "But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The mother superior was first to open hers, stared at it for a moment, then leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

I took a Scottish girl to the countryside.

"Hello view!" she said, looking out the window of our rented house.
I said, "I love you too..."

NASA's Scott Kelly is back on Earth after spending a year in space

He found out how many states Trump won and left again

A Scotsman walks into a bar..

Normally there is a Welshman, Irishman and Englishman, but they're all in Marseille at the Euro's.

A Scotsman walks into a bar

usually he is with an Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman but they are all in France for the Euros.

I'm Scottish and my son is marrying a Jewish girl.

I'm afraid their kids will leave me penniless.

A Scottish man walks store...

He asked for 15 litres of the best whiskey the clerk has. "Did you bring a container for this?" The clerk asks. "You're speaking to it."

Two Scotsmen walk past a baker

One turns to the other and says 'Is that a cake or a meringue?'
The other replies 'no you're right, it's a cake'

A Scotsman moves to London

How's the flat you're living in in London, Jock? asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.
It's okay, he replies, but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps b**... his head on the wall.
Never you mind, says his mother, don't you let them get to you, just ignore them.
Aye, that I do, he says, I just keep playing my bagpipes.

What did the Scottish epileptic boy get for Christmas?

A Wii fit

Scottish boy asks his dad about Islam

Son: "Ey dad, what is Islam?"
Dad: "Oh, well Sunni, it's a Shiite religion"

Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar together.

- When I die, said the old Scot, I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave.
- We will do that for you, said one of the younger men. But do you mind if it passes through our kidneys first?

A Scotsman, and Englishman, and a Chinese man take a hotair ballon ride over the UK...

As they take off, the Scotsman gazes down and marvels "Ahh my beautiful Scotland!"
As the cross the border the Englishman gazes down and says "Ahh my beautiful England!"
The Chinese man takes out a saucer, throws it over the side and says "Ahh my beautiful china!"

What did the Scottish man do when he ran out of pants to wear?

He kilt himself

A Scotsman is out walking with his girlfriend.

They walk by a hot dog stand, and the girl exclaims, "Mmm, that smells so good!"
"Oh," the Scotsman answers, "do you want to go walk past it again?"

A Scottish, fedora-wearing art professor complimented his Scandinavian student.

"Nice skies, Finnish lass!"

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.

The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.
The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.
The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"
The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."

Why do the Scottish wear kilts?

So they don't scare the sheep with the sound of a zipper.

What do the Scottish people wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear the sound of zippers from far away.

Scotland might not leave the EU...

but Theresa May.

Scotland is like Iraq

A little but Sunni, but an awful lot Shiite.

Why do Scottish men wear kilts?

Because the sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

A Scotsman is walking down the street when he spots two guys fighting. Without a second thought, he marches over to them, splits them apart and says...

"Is this a private fight or can anyone join in?"

A Scottish guy announced to his mate that he was getting married...

I'll write this down phonetically, so use your best Scottish accent:
"Ahm gettin married next week."
"Are ye wearin a kilt?"
"Aye, ahm weerin a kilt."
"Wha's the tartin?"
"She's in a w**... dress."

International Boundaries

An Englishman, lecturing on his travels, was speaking disparagingly about the Scots and French in Canada, and how they intermarried with the Indians. "You'll find," he said "quite a number of Scot & French half-breeds, but you will not find any English half-breeds."
A Scot in the audience shouted, "The Indians have to draw the line somewhere!"

A lady walks up to a Scot...

A lady walks up to a Scot wearing a kilt and asks... 'Is anything worn under the kilt?'
'No', he said. 'It's all in perfect condition'.

A Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub. The Scotsman says "round of drinks for everyone on me."

The next day's newspaper headline read: "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind pub."

A Scotsman at the chemist's shop.

A Scotsman went into a chemist's shop, and asked to buy some arsenic.
"That'll be a pound - er, what do you want it for?" the chemist asked suspiciously.
"Fifty pence," replied the Scotsman.

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
Because the sound of zippers scare the sheep away.

Scott Baio is Boycotting d**...'s Sporting Goods Because of the Ban on AR-15s

d**...'s had to find a cashier to replace him on short notice

The E.U has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country after Brexit.

I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.

Did you know the Scottish invented condoms?

They would use the intestines of sheep as a contraceptive.
The English then refined the idea by taking the intestines out of the sheep first.

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

...because sheep run at the sound of a zipper

Scott Pruitt has resigned to focus more on his true passion..

Throwing uncut plastic soda rings into the ocean.

A Scottish priest finds a dead pig.

A Scottish priest is driving home when he comes across a dead pig lying on the side of the road. So he calls the police to inform them.
A c**... sergeant answers the call.
"Did ye read him his last rites?" the sergeant smirked
"Naw." replies the priest. "I thought I'd inform his next of kin first!"

What did the Scottish man say when he misplaced his drink at a party ?

Where did my Glasgow?

In Scotland, they are so mean with money that every home has double glazing installed.

So their kids can't hear the ice cream van

What do you call a Scot man that smokes m**...?

A Highlander

A Scottish lass inquired to a man wearing a kilt "Is it true what that say about what's underneath a man's kilt?"

"Place your hand beneath and see for yourself' replied he. She obliged and cried out "Sir, that's gruesome!" He said "If you place your hand back again, you'll find it's gruesome more!"

Why do the Scottish wear kilts

The sheep can hear zippers miles away

Why are the scottish mean?

They 'ave rage

Why do Scotsman wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

Scotsman on holiday: what's yon beast over there?

Canadian: That's a moose!
Scotsman: Och, If that's a moose, how big are your cats?

Scottish lawmakers recently voted to make menstrual products free

It's about b**... time.

The Scotsman

A Scotsman was walking down the street in his traditional Scottish attire when he saw a couple of women talking and giggling,
As he approached one of the women asked " is it true the you dont wear anything under your kilt?"
"Aye, why dont you have a peek and find out for yourself"
So the woman lifted his kilt just enough to see his "business" and said "oh thats gruesome"
The Scotsman replied "I think if you'll check again, you'll see its grew some more"
First post, heard this in a song recently, got a good chuckle from it personally
I think it helps to read with a Scottish accent

Scotsman and a new restaurant

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Wonderful!"
Being the 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the h**..., I'll treat her."
... So they walked past it again.

A Scottish man's daughter comes home from college.

She says "Dad, I've decided to become a p**...." The dad says "Yes, I know, and that's okay. I've already heard about that from your boyfriend, and I almost had a heart attack, because, at first I thought he said Protestant."

Scot joke, A Scottish man's daughter comes home from college.

jokes about scot