Score Jokes

Jenga Towers

At Highschool we have a test every week and my teacher lets the person with the highest score bring in their favourite board game. For years, my favourite game has been Jenga, the falling towers game.
So on friday the 8th in the first week of September I finally get the highest score and the teacher tells me I can bring in a board game on monday.
mfw I walk into class on 9/11 with Jenga and I'm a muslim...

Score! I just landed my summer job for this year - working at the zoo, circumsizing elephants

They said the hourly pay isn't great, but the tips are ENORMOUS!

A Jets fan walks into a bar with his dog.

The bartender says, "Hey bud, no pets allowed in here."
The man says, "But wait! This is a special dog, you have to turn on the game to see. When the Jets score, my dog does flips!"
Sure enough, when the bartender turns on the game, the Jets make a few field goals and the dog starts flipping and jumping after each kick.
"Wow," said the bartender, amazed, "that's great! What does he do when they score a touchdown?"
"I don't know, I've only had him for two years."

Golfing on the sabbath

One day, a man named David decides to skip church to play golf. Up in heaven, Saint Peter sees this and reports David's sin to God. God says, "I will punish him accordingly." David plays a perfect game and goes home really pleased. Saint Peter sees this and goes to God and says, "What gives? You said you would punish him, yet he gets a perfect score." God smiles and says, "Who can he tell?"

A mathematical limerick

A dozen, a g**..., and a score
Plus three times the square root of four
Divided by seven
Plus five times eleven
Is nine squared and not a bit more.

Its the Christians vs Muslims football game...

and the Christians score a goal. From his seat in heaven, surrounded by angels, God cheers.
after a while the Muslims score a goal. Again God cheers. The angels are now confused... "Whose side are you on, Lord?", they ask. "Niether", replies God, "I am just enjoying the game."
(modified from Catholics vs Protestants)

I don't watch World Cup soccer.

If I wanted to see grown men struggle to score for 90 minutes I'd go to a bar.

SNAPchatting to raise the score

Did you hear about the score of the football match between Egypt and Ethiopia?

Egypt 8 - Ethiopia didn't....

A man was in Japan, and had hired a p**...

And as he was going at it, she was screaming "Fujifoo! Fujifoo!"
He took this as that she was screaming with pleasure, and kept going.
The next day, he was playing golf with some Japanese friends. On one hole, he manages to score a hole in one. He jumps up into the air and exclaims "Fujifoo!"
His friends say to him "No, no, it's the right hole..."

An Asian kid ask him mom: "Mom, why do I have to score A in everything?"

Him mom replied: "Because we are Asian, not a Bsian or Csian, or Failsian."

What do you call the score keeper at a jihadi football game?

The Taliman.

Did you guys see the score of the Egypt vs Ethiopia soccer match?

Egypt 8 .. Ethiopia didn't

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog

The bartender says, "No pets allowed." The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Browns game and you'll see. Whenever the Browns score, my dog does flips." The Browns keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. "Wow! What happens when the Browns score a touchdown?"
The man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years."

A professor was teaching a class of hyperintelligent youngsters on Game Theory

"To get an A in the test tomorrow your score will have to be as close as possible to 2/3s of the average score of the class."
Afterwards everyone signed up for the test.
The test was the next day.
No one showed up.

Tried to score on my girlfriend in soccer yesterday, but kept failing,

Guess she's a keeper.

Lord of the Bow

So I was telling my friend about my prowess with a bow and arrow yesterday. I said "my best round ever didn't start so well, I only scored 1 point with each of my first two arrows. Got better after that, scored 2 with the next, then 3, then 5. On my 12th and final arrow I managed to score 144."
She was quick to point out that this was impossible, so I had to confess it was a fibbin' archery sequence.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog......

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, "No pets allowed."
The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips."
The Jets keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.
"Wow! What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?"
The man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years."

I just got my best score on Sitar Hero 3!

I got five stars on "Curry On My Wayward Son"

Anyone know the score in the Nigeria Ethiopia footy match?

Nigeria 8 - Ethiopia Didn't

Did you hear about the score of the Egypt versus Ethiopia football game?

Egypt 8, Ethiopia didn't

A student wants to know how he did on a test

Student: I know my curved score was a 90, but how was my raw score?
Teacher: Medium rare
Student: What does that mean?
Teacher: Not well done.

( (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 Sqrt[4]) / 7 ) + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0

A dozen, a g**..., and a score
Plus three times the square root of four
Divided by seven
Plus five times eleven
Is nine squared and not a bit more

What's the difference between JR Smith and a bad music composer?

One of them still knows the score

A blonde women's basketball team rallied and then t**... the score at the end of regulation...

...and the coach took out a bottle of wine and handed out glasses to the team.
After imbibing, the blonde team obviously ended up losing.
Coach was asked later by, "Why the early celebration?"
Coach said, "We weren't celebrating, we're not that s**.... I served wine because I heard it always gets better overtime."

Hear about the tennis players that didn't score?

Ya, well, they still made love

Why is it hard to keep score in Afghanistan?

Because of the tally ban

How many U.S. Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

Forty-five. A couple dozen to turn it to the right, a score of them to turn it to the left, and one to really, really screw it at the end.

I scored a date with an energy drink.

Now I can say I went out with a Bang!

Why did the duck cross the road

To score some quack

Looking at my score, I think I failed the math test but it's hard to tell

I'm pretty bad with numbers.

Dad- I want you to score 90% in exams.

Son- Dad, don't worry, I'll score 110%.
Dad- Stop joking.
Son- You started first.

Did you know that R. Kelly wanted to be a pro hockey player?

He was good at it too, but the only trouble was that he didn't want to score after the first period.

Did you know R Kelly had a chance to become a professional Hockey player?

The only problem was.. is that he never wanted to score after the first period.

I know the score of this Sunday's Super Bowl before it starts.

0 - 0

Wife is not going to be happy

My wife said "you treat this place like a hotel"
She will regret that when I give her a low score on TripAdvisor for 'rude staff'

An original

Two buddies are watching the game. One looks at the score and starts thinking.
"Should they go for 2? They're down 9, does the one point mean anything?"
"What am I, a mathist?" His buddy replies.
"It's *mathematician*.".
"What am I, a linguimatician?"

A doctor changes Careers.

A Gynecologist is tired of dealing with Insurance companies and decides to become an auto mechanic. He studies hard, and for the final, he needs to diagnose and rebuild an engine. He need an 80 to pass an become a certified Mechanic.
He takes test, and waits for his score.
He gets a 150 out 100. He calls the instructor to find out why he scored it that way.
The instructor says " Well you got 50 points for Diagnosing the issue correctly, 50 points for rebuilding the engine correctly, and 50 points for doing it all thru the exhaust manifold.

My dad wronged me...

I brought home a test score of 90 and showed it to my dad. I thought he would praise me for it, but my dad took one look at the test script and said I added the "0" there. I got a big scolding and was grounded for the week. I really didn't add the "0".
I added the "9".

A man compalins to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with. His wife said "Well what about your friend Clyde?" The men replied "Would you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you aren't looking?" "No, I guess not" replied his wife. The man said....

"Neither would Clyde"

What your score in the last test, James?

James Bond: 95%.............34.95%

Why are sports bets i**... for the composer?

He arranges the score

A r**... woman goes into a store to get a new washing machine

The salesman, eager to score some commission, snaps into his pitch with a broad smile; "We can load it up and send it over to your house today, and you won't pay anything for six months!"
The woman suddenly gets angry and says, "Who the h**... told you about me?!"

Liverpool had so much going for them. Dominated the ball, constantly on the attack, great strategy to win the day. But no matter how often the were close a score seemed inevitable, Real Madrid defenders always seemed to be in the right place at the right time. It must actually be true what they say

Nobody expects the Spanish in position

A director and composer are arguing about the score of a film

Composer: Is it really THAT important that there are no voices in any of the tracks?
Director: It's instrumental

I signed up for a singles program looking for love.

It turns out it's a tennis program.
I've never played tennis before, and I'm a bit out of shape. Wish me luck, hope I score!

Did you hear that sports are no longer allowed to keep score in Afghanistan?

It's a tally ban