scored Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious scored puns

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate


I did an exam on marijuana and ballistic weaponry.

Scored high on the first part, but bombed the second.


Lord of the Bow

So I was telling my friend about my prowess with a bow and arrow yesterday. I said "my best round ever didn't start so well, I only scored 1 point with each of my first two arrows. Got better after that, scored 2 with the next, then 3, then 5. On my 12th and final arrow I managed to score 144."

She was quick to point out that this was impossible, so I had to confess it was a fibbin' archery sequence.


I scored 47/46 for my test.

It was a chromosomes test.


Why don't they allow lesbians to play baseball?

When they get to third base they think they've scored


Two equally well-qualified men applied for the same job...

The manager, at a loss of what to do, decided to give them a written test. After time was up, both men handed the test to the manager, who went to his office. He promptly returned, and told the two men that they had both scored a 9/10 on the test, getting the same problem wrong. He then shook the first guy's hand, granting him the job.

The second guy protested, "Why are you giving him the job?! We both got one wrong; give us another test!"

"That's true," the manager replied. "But on the one you both got wrong, the other guy wrote, 'I don't know.' You wrote, 'Me neither.'"


A woman wakes her husband up at 2 AM, saying

"Quick, who's scored the highest number of goals in football, ever?"

"Klose", replied the groggy husband.

"And how many episodes of Breaking Bad are there in total?"

"Huh? Wait, let me...55, no, 62, there's 62 total episodes" he replied.

"Who was that girl in that 'Saved by the Bell' show, Kapowski?"

"Tiffani Thiessen, played Kelly Kapowski"

"And also, when'd that new girl, Sandy, move downstairs again?"

"Two months next Wednesday. What's going on honey?" asked the husband, now irritated.

"Yesterday was my birthday."


Johnny's First Day of High School

Johnny's mother arrives at school to pick up Johnny from school. He gets into the car, drops his backpack on the floor and buckles his seat belt. His mother asks "How was your day, Johnny?" and he replies "Oh, jeeze mom, it was great! I came out top of the class in math, scored a touchdown in football, AND I had sex with the teacher!".

His mother is furious and as soon as they get home she screams at him to "Go upstairs and go straight to your room! I want you to stay there until your father gets home and I'll send him up to talk to you. I'm very disappointed in you."

A few hours later, Johnny's father arrives home and walks up the stairs. Johnny's ears perk up as he hears his father knock at the door and his dad opens the door and sets his briefcase down. "Johnny, your mother told me what you did today and I'd like you to know I'm damn proud to call you my son. You know that bike we were looking at in the store last week? Let's go out and get it right now to celebrate." Johnny replies "Awesome, that'd be great dad! The only problem is I don't think I'll be able to sit down for a couple of days."


So there was this soccer game....

One day, there were a group of turtles and skunks that decided to play a friendly soccer game. However this soccer game was painful to watch; the turtles were slow, and the skunks just flat out stunk.

The skunks were down a man so they got a centipede to play at the last minute. Now most of the game has gone by and it's been an awful game since no one was able to score. So the coach of the skunks put the centipede in as a last resort. Surprisingly, the centipede scored right away.

So the coach says, "centipede, where have you been all game?"

The centipede replied, "I was putting on my shoes."


Bubba applied to work for the FBI

Bubba was not a smart man by any stretch of the imagination, but he very much wanted to work for the FBI. He took a trip up to Washington to take the admissions test, and after the test was scored, the agent in charge pulled Bubba aside.

He said, "Son, this may well be the worst I've ever seen anyone do on this test. I'm sorry, but it doesn't look to me like you know a thing about criminology or history, which are critical to this line of work. You didn't even spell FBI correctly! I mean, can you even tell me who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Bubba thought for a moment, then shook his head. The agent continued, "All right do this. Go home, study, and if you come back up here and can tell me who killed Abraham Lincoln, I'll let you take the test again." Bubba agreed and took his return flight home.

When his friends asked, "How'd the FBI test go?" Bubba said "It went great! I've only been with the agency 12 hours and they've already got me on a murder case!"


So...Liverpool F.C. sign new striker...

A real new hot shot from Afghanistan, the new wonder kid.
He has his debut and scores a hatrick.
After the game he calls his mum and tells her the good news.
"Mum, Mum I scored three goals in my first game!"

His mum replies..."Son that's all very good but I have some bad news."

"Over the Weekend, your father was shot by a sniper, your sister raped, and I was robbed whilst shopping"

"Oh Mum I am so so sorry" the son says...
"SORRY!!!! It's your fault we moved to Liverpool" shouts the mother.


IQ result

Psych Admin: "Sir, your IQ results are in, you scored 91."

Me: "Wow, my first A+"


A Spaniard & a Russian were chatting up a woman at a bar

The Spaniard made many passes but it was the Russian who scored.


Chewbacca's son enters his first hockey season

Chewbacca's son enters his first hockey season this year. With his impressive skating abilities and the number of goals he scored...

Its no wonder he won the wookie of the year award.



Which country have scored the most world cup goals?

The mongoals.


The score at the end of the 3rd quarter last night was 56-0.

Atlanta felt so bad about what they were doing to the Bucs that they walked off the field at the start of the 4th.

4 plays later Tampa Bay finally scored.


For the final piece of coursework in my art diploma, I used my knife to cut a line across Mr Hamill and Mr Wahlberg just after they'd finished eating.

I scored full Marks.


A husband and wife were laying in bed

The old man farted and the old lady yelled, "What was that?!" "We're playing football, I just scored six points!" ,yells the man. The old lady won't let him win so she out lets a squeaky teaser. "Six points," says she, "the game is tied." ...and goes back to her knitting. Well, the old man can't have this, so he hunkers down and lets rip a quartet symphony of flatulence! "Touchdown! Six points!" The wife in disgust puts down her knitting and realizes she can't let him win. She groans and ...shits the bed. "What was that!?" He cried! "Halftime." She said, "we change sides."


The other day I went for a safety test...

The other day I went for a safety test and you have all of the usual questions, 'what would you do with a broken microwave?' And 'What type of steps would you take in the event of a fire?' Etc...

Anyway, I received my results today and I scored 43/44... So now I flicked through to see what I got wrong, and to my surprise it was 'The fire' question, Apparently 'Very Fucking Large Steps' is the wrong answer.


I'm an Asian male who scored a 2300 on the SAT

I still don't know if i met my parents' expectASIANs.


What did the teacher say when a shrubbery scored an 81.8% on the quiz?

Bush did 9/11


I've scored fucking 654 in Psychos Tap!!!

Anyone did better?


Snake and the lizard

Did you hear about the snake and lizard? Turns out they moved. Yeah, they scored an upscale apartment.


I was playing Words with Fiends

I scored 50 points for using all my runes, but summoned Pazuzu.


Roses are red, violets are blue...

The U.S. scored one,

But Osama scored 2.


Good afternoon to everyone whose NFL team scored at least 1 point yesterday.

Not you Cowboy's fans.


World Cup

Ronaldo scored a hat trick during Portugal's World Cup yesterday. Salty Messi fans will say any Tom, Dick, and Harry could do that... But most of us know, not every Juan can.


A father was fetching his son home from a soccer game.

Dad: How was the game, son?

Son: I scored three goals!

Dad: That's great! What was the score?

Son: 0-3


Whats the hardest part of a soccer player?

Chasing your teammate who just scored.


I only got a 13 on my IQ test.

Just 2 more points and I could have scored a 20.


The manager for Chelsea FC swapped their defender for another one. The opponent scored 2 goals back to back straight after.

"Oops, wrong sub.", said the manager.


84% of Schools Scored Below Average on SATs

First person who gets this joke will be upvoted.


I scored with a lesbian today

She said my dick reminded her of a clitoris


Yesterday we lost the match with 3-1, but at least we scored once.

That was our goal.


The world's dumbest Blonde took an online IQ test.

She only scored 104.


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