Score Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

For a change of pace, here's a limerick; "( (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 Sqrt[4]) / 7 ) + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0"

Sorry, did that not make any sense?

How about -

>"A dozen, a gross, and a score,
>
>plus three times the square root of four,
>
>divided by seven,
>
>plus five times eleven,
>
>is nine squared and not a bit more."

I like my women like I like my golf score

Mid eighties and with slight handicap.

I don't watch soccer...

If I wanted to watch somebody struggle to score for 90 minutes, I would take my friends to the bar.

I bet you $20 I can tell you the score of the big game tonight before it even starts.

Broncos: 0 Panthers: 0

Did you hear the score of the England vs Ethiopia soccer game?

England 8. Ethiopia didn't

Lord of the Bow

So I was telling my friend about my prowess with a bow and arrow yesterday. I said "my best round ever didn't start so well, I only scored 1 point with each of my first two arrows. Got better after that, scored 2 with the next, then 3, then 5. On my 12th and final arrow I managed to score 144."

She was quick to point out that this was impossible, so I had to confess it was a fibbin' archery sequence.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog

The bartender says, "No pets allowed." The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Browns game and you'll see. Whenever the Browns score, my dog does flips." The Browns keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. "Wow! What happens when the Browns score a touchdown?"
The man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years."

I scored 47/46 for my test.

It was a chromosomes test.

Did you hear the score to the game last night?

America: 8
Ethiopia: Didn't

There is only one sport in which I can get a high score.

It's golf.

My girlfriend is a keeper.

She's perfect, but I never score.

Three bass players walk into a bar.

They're actually in the middle of performing Beethoven's 9th symphony, but there's a long section near the end where the basses don't play, so they decide to go to the bar next door and grab a drink.

To know when to come back for the end of the symphony, the bassists tie a string to the conductor's score a few pages before they start playing again. When he turns the page, it'll tug on the string and they'll know to head back to the concert hall.

So the symphony goes on, and pretty soon the conductor realizes he's in trouble.

It's the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog......

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, "No pets allowed."

The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips."

The Jets keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.

"Wow! What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?"

The man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years."

What was the score of the Ethiopian baseball game?

Eight-nothing

A Jets fan walks into a bar with his dog.

The bartender says, "Hey bud, no pets allowed in here."

The man says, "But wait! This is a special dog, you have to turn on the game to see. When the Jets score, my dog does flips!"

Sure enough, when the bartender turns on the game, the Jets make a few field goals and the dog starts flipping and jumping after each kick.

"Wow," said the bartender, amazed, "that's great! What does he do when they score a touchdown?"

"I don't know, I've only had him for two years."

Three England fans on their way to the world cup fin a magic lamp..

Three England fans on their way to the world cup find a magic lamp on the road, the first one picks it up and a genie comes out!

"England fans?!" says the genie, puzzled at how they made it to the world cup.. "Well I guess you get one wish each like everyone else. What do you choose?"

The first England fan blurts out, "Rooney! I want Wayne Rooney to break his World Cup curse and finally score!"

"Done" says the genie.

The second England fan thinks for a second and says, "our captain, Stevie G, he usually under performs, I want to see him play for England like he did for Liverpool this season."

"Done" says the genie.

The third fan says, "Guys, you aren't thinking big enough! We have got a real chance here - I want England to play like Spain!!!"

"Done" says the genie, and vanishes.

An Asian kid ask him mom: "Mom, why do I have to score A in everything?"

Him mom replied: "Because we are Asian, not a Bsian or Csian, or Failsian."

A mathematical limerick

A dozen, a gross, and a score

Plus three times the square root of four

Divided by seven

Plus five times eleven

Is nine squared and not a bit more.

So there was this soccer game....

One day, there were a group of turtles and skunks that decided to play a friendly soccer game. However this soccer game was painful to watch; the turtles were slow, and the skunks just flat out stunk.

The skunks were down a man so they got a centipede to play at the last minute. Now most of the game has gone by and it's been an awful game since no one was able to score. So the coach of the skunks put the centipede in as a last resort. Surprisingly, the centipede scored right away.

So the coach says, "centipede, where have you been all game?"

The centipede replied, "I was putting on my shoes."

I don't watch World Cup soccer.

If I wanted to see grown men struggle to score for 90 minutes I'd go to a bar.

A professor was teaching a class of hyperintelligent youngsters on Game Theory

"To get an A in the test tomorrow your score will have to be as close as possible to 2/3s of the average score of the class."

Afterwards everyone signed up for the test.

The test was the next day.

No one showed up.

I enjoy rating countries on a 0-10 scale

I give Nepal a solid 7.8. The score is so high, it's ground breaking

Did you hear the score of the Germany Vs Ethiopia game?

Germany 8, Ethiopia didn't.

Did you hear the score of the Egypt vs Ethiopia soccer game?

Egypt 8, Ethiopia didn't.

Old joke, still funny

A genius senior in high school takes a chemistry test. He gets his score back and is shocked he missed exactly one question and thus would not be accepted to his university of choice. He is especially bummed because the question he missed was How many valence electrons does a Hydrogen atom have? In his haste to complete the test, he had answered 2.
Depressed and despairing, he takes a walk alone along a beach and is lost in thought when he trips on a metal object in the sand. Picking it up, he finds it to be a bronze oil lamp, and as his fingers brush the surface of the lamp, a genie suddenly appears. The genie thunders, I can grant you any one wish, but you must answer now. What do you desire? The student eyes light up and immediately replies, I wish I had gotten that question right, and the universe explodes.

Some people say turning 20 isn't a big deal,

But to me it's a score.

What score did Lenin get on his exam paper?

...Full Marx

A man was in Japan, and had hired a prostitute

And as he was going at it, she was screaming "Fujifoo! Fujifoo!"
He took this as that she was screaming with pleasure, and kept going.
The next day, he was playing golf with some Japanese friends. On one hole, he manages to score a hole in one. He jumps up into the air and exclaims "Fujifoo!"
His friends say to him "No, no, it's the right hole..."

Score! I just landed my summer job for this year - working at the zoo, circumsizing elephants

They said the hourly pay isn't great, but the tips are ENORMOUS!

Why is it hard to keep score in Afghanistan?

Because of the tally ban

There is a tie for 1st place at a poetry slam...

The two contestants with the equal highest score are a Priest and a Scotsman. To decide which one should be the winner the judges take a random word out of a hat and give both of them 2 minutes to make a short poem with said word. The word being "Timbuktu".

The 2 minutes are up and the priest goes first:
"I've been devoted all my life,
Have no children, have no wife.
I've read the bible through and through,
All the way to timbuktu!"

The audience applaudes, and the Scotsman is up:
"Me and Tim to London went,
Met three ladies in a tent.
Since there were three, and we were two,
I booked one, and Timm booked two!"

A student wants to know how he did on a test

Student: I know my curved score was a 90, but how was my raw score?

Teacher: Medium rare

Student: What does that mean?

Teacher: Not well done.

Did you hear about the Roman who got a C in Math?

He got a perfect score!

I just got my best score on Sitar Hero 3!

I got five stars on "Curry On My Wayward Son"

Baseball & Football -George Carlin

Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball. In fact, in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally, he's out; sometimes unintentionally, he's out.


Also: in football,basketball, soccer, volleyball, and all sports played with a ball, you score with the ball and in baseball the ball prevents you from scoring.


In most sports the team is run by a coach; in baseball the team is run by a manager. And only in baseball does the manager or coach wear the same clothing the players do. If you'd ever seen John Madden in his Oakland Raiders uniform,you'd know the reason for this custom.

Now, I've mentioned football. Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.

I enjoy comparing baseball and football:


Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.


Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park.The baseball park!
Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.


Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.


In football you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.


Football is concerned with downs - what down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up?


In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error.


In football the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.


Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.
Baseball has the sacrifice.


Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...
In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play.


Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two minute warning.


Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end - might have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.


In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness.
In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.


And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:


In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.


In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!

Did you guys see the score of the Egypt vs Ethiopia soccer match?

Egypt 8 .. Ethiopia didn't

( (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 Sqrt[4]) / 7 ) + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0

A dozen, a gross, and a score
Plus three times the square root of four
Divided by seven
Plus five times eleven
Is nine squared and not a bit more

A genius high school chemistry student takes a test

A genius high school chemistry student takes a test, gets his score back and is dismayed to find that he missed exactly one question and thus would not be accepted to his university of choice. He is especially bummed because the question he missed was How many valence electrons does a Hydrogen atom have? In his haste to complete the test, he had answered 2.

Depressed and despairing, he takes a walk alone along a beach and is lost in thought when he trips on a metal object in the sand. Picking it up, he finds it to be a brass oil lamp, and as his fingers brush the surface a genie suddenly appears. The genie thunders, I can grant you any one wish, but you must answer now. What do you desire? The student immediately replies, I wish I had gotten that question right, and the universe explodes.

Jenga Towers

At Highschool we have a test every week and my teacher lets the person with the highest score bring in their favourite board game. For years, my favourite game has been Jenga, the falling towers game.

So on friday the 8th in the first week of September I finally get the highest score and the teacher tells me I can bring in a board game on monday.

mfw I walk into class on 9/11 with Jenga and I'm a muslim...

The gynecologist decided she wanted to change careers.

So she applied to an auto mechanic school. After completing all the coursework, she took her final exam. After the exam, the professor was handing out the test results. When she got hers, she was thoroughly confused.

"Professor, it says here that I got 150% on my test. There must have been some kind of mistake. There wasn't any extra credit."

"No, that score is correct." said the professor, "The first 50%, that was for taking the motor apart. The second 50% was for putting it back together correctly. The extra 50% I gave because you did it all through the tailpipe."

2 Poles are watching a Football game...

There is an attack by one team and the first Polish dude says:

-I bet you 20 bucks he will not score

-You are on - Replies the second one.

The attack goes through and the person scores. So the the first
pole reaches for his wallet, but the second one stops him saying:

-I cheated a little, this is a rerun I knew he'd score, keep your money.

-I also watched the game before, though I am still surprised the goalie let the same goal happen twice.

I just got my best score on the new Indian video game "Sitar Hero 3"!!!

I got five stars on "Curry on My Wayward Son"

How many Polish soccer players does it take to score a goal?

2: One polish player to score the goal, and one polish goal keeper to try to stop him.

Golfing on the sabbath

One day, a man named David decides to skip church to play golf. Up in heaven, Saint Peter sees this and reports David's sin to God. God says, "I will punish him accordingly." David plays a perfect game and goes home really pleased. Saint Peter sees this and goes to God and says, "What gives? You said you would punish him, yet he gets a perfect score." God smiles and says, "Who can he tell?"

Hear about the tennis players that didn't score?

Ya, well, they still made love

Tried to score on my girlfriend in soccer yesterday, but kept failing,

Guess she's a keeper.

What's the difference between your Pacman high score and your child?

I haven't beaten your high score.

My dog does back-flips when the Raiders kick a field goal.......

my buddy asked me what he does when they score a touch-down and I told him I didn't know, I've only had him for 6 years.

What's the difference between JR Smith and a bad music composer?

One of them still knows the score

Why God's credit score is so low?

Because only Jesus saves

What do you call the score keeper at a jihadi football game?

The Taliman.

Did you hear about the score of the Egypt versus Ethiopia football game?

Egypt 8, Ethiopia didn't

Ten reasons why hockey is better than women

1: In hockey, everyone likes rough.

2: You only get 5 minutes for fighting.

3: Puck is not a dirty word.

4: You don't have to play in the neutral zone.

5: It is possible to score a few times a night.

6: When you "pull the goalie," nobody gets pregnant.

7: Missing teeth doesn't stop you from scoring.

8: You can always get new wood if your stick breaks.

9: The Zamboni cleans up your mess.

10: Periods last twenty minutes!

Did you hear about the score of the football match between Egypt and Ethiopia?

Egypt 8 - Ethiopia didn't....

A blonde women's basketball team rallied and then tied up the score at the end of regulation...

...and the coach took out a bottle of wine and handed out glasses to the team.

After imbibing, the blonde team obviously ended up losing.

Coach was asked later by, "Why the early celebration?"

Coach said, "We weren't celebrating, we're not that stupid. I served wine because I heard it always gets better overtime."

Anyone know the score in the Nigeria Ethiopia footy match?

Nigeria 8 - Ethiopia Didn't

Where does the golfer who always gets a score of 0 park his car

In the par-king lot

What are the funniest score jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Score? Well, here are the best Score puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Score pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes