Scissors Jokes

Following is our collection of Scissors funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include dirty puns, clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best Scissors jokes

The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, papers?

I said, Scissors, I win and drove off.

I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.

I got pulled over by the police ...

He came to the window and said papers ...

I said - scissors, I win - and drove off

He must be desperate for a rematch as he's been chasing me for ages!

What's more dangerous than running with the scissors?

Scissoring with the runs

What's the difference between a little kid and a lesbian?

A little kid shouldn't run with scissors, a lesbian shouldn't scissor with the runs.

Whats worse than running with scissors?

Scissoring with the runs.

A Mexican attempts to pass the border

A border control officer catches them and says, "Papers."

The Mexican replied, "Scissors."

The border control officer replied,"Dammit! Well, you're free to go!"

A police officer turned on his lights, pulled me over, walked to my window and said "papers?"

I looked at him with a smile and said "Scissors, I win." and drove off.
I think he wants to do best out of 3 because he's been chasing me for an hour.

What do you call a gay-porno starring Dwayne Johnson and Johnny Depp?

"*Rock Beats Scissors*"

Why can't lesbians have sex at concerts?

Because rock beats scissors.

Why do so many lesbians have short hair?

They just get really excited about scissors.

A police officer stopped me on the highway

He told me "Papers, please".
I responded with "Scissors, I win !" and went back on my way.

A cop pulled me over and said, Papers?

I said, scissors, I win, and drove off.

He must have wanted a rematch because he has been chasing me for 45 minutes.

Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.

I lost the Rock's paper scissors.

If straight couples usually end sex when the man finishes, how do lesbians know when it's time to stop?

When the scissors get dull

I had to get a new pair of scissors today.

The old ones just weren't cutting it.

How do you stop 2 lesbians from having sex?

With a rock. Rock beats scissors.

I took a girl home last night. We were fooling around, and she sighed and said, You don't have much experience removing bras, do you?

Me: What gave me away?

Her: The scissors, mostly.

What do you call an innovation in scissors?

Cutting-edge technology

A cop pulls an illegal immigrant over near the US-Mexico border and asks "Papers?"

The immigrant responds "Scissors" and drives away

A cop pulled me over and said "papers"

I said "scissors, I win!" and drove off.

Rap is like scissors...

It always loses to rock.

Bob died...

Harry, Jim and Bob are all building a huge skyscraper. They're sat on one of the high up girders, when Bob has a tragic accident and falls to his death. When Jim and Harry get back down to ground level, they try to decide who should tell Bobs wife. Then Jim has an idea.

"How about, we just do rock, paper, scissors, and whoever loses tells his wife?"

Harry agrees, and loses the game. An hour later, Harry comes back to the building site with a 6 pack of beer beneath his arm.

"How'd you get that" Jim asks, bewildered.

"Bobs wife gave them to me!" Harry replies.


"Well I thought it was best to just tell her it straight. I knocked on the door and said, Mrs. Geldof, I'm afraid you're a widow. She said she wasn't, so I said, care to bet me a six pack?"

Do you ever wonder why so many lesbians have short hair?

It's because they get excited about scissors.

Does Dwayne Johnson purchase bulk shears?


The Rock pay per scissors

When you get pulled over by a cop...

A cop pulled me over and said "Papers..." So I said "Scissors!" and drove off ; )

Running with scissors is a bad idea.

Then again, so is scissoring with the runs.

Another Blonde Joke

Two blondes stood by a car in which they had accidentally locked the key.

We need to get in there, says the first blonde. Why don't we use a coat hanger to slide the lock open?

No, says the second. People'd think we're trying to steal the car.

I have a pair of scissors, says the first. We could use it to cut around the rubber, then stick a finger in and pull up the lock."

No, they'd just say we're too stupid to use a coat hanger.

Well, we'd better think of something fast, sighed the first blonde. It's starting to rain and all the car windows are open.

A rock and some scissors saw a piece of paper

"What's that?" Asked the scissors.
"Beats me" said the rock.

I don't run with scissors.

The last 2 words in that sentence were unnecessary.

How do you make a shortcut?

With small scissors.

Pulled over by the Five-O

A cop pulled me over the other day. Apparently I was speeding. He said: "Papers."

I said: "Scissors, I win!" and drove away.

Paper, Rock, and Scissors were sitting at a table playing Poker

They are playing a hand and Rock goes all in, Scissors places $50, and paper snapped in a half and dies.

Scissors asks, "What happened?".

Rocks replies, "I think he folded".

My friend handed me broken scissors...

I told him this isn't going to cut it.

Two things you should never do:

1. Run with scissors

2. Scissor with the runs

Kid Rock announced he won't be running for the Republican Michigan Senate nomination .

This come as a great relief to Democratic challenger Kid Scissors.

Daddy, where do scissors come from?

Well, two knives screw together.

I thought this joke was very funny and true.

Why is rap like scissors? Because rock beats scissors...

Kids should not run with scissors...

...and lesbians should not scissor with the runs.

A terrible hairdresser was known for cutting customers' scalps with scissors.

One such customer, fed up and covered in wounds, told the hairdresser off.

The hairdresser snapped back, "Hey buddy, show some appreciation! You only paid $5 for this haircut, and I've already used $10 worth of bandages!"

\- From "Philogelos", an ancient Greek joke book dated to around 200 AD.

Just won the most exciting rock papers scissors match I've ever had

The cop said "Papers" I said "scissors" and inmeditaly after that I drove the f#@€ away.
He must have been crazy for a Rematch because he chase me for 10 min!

I was walking around a shady street late at night, and someone pulled a pair of scissors out at me.

Fortunately, I pulled a rock. Had I pulled out paper, I would've have lost.

Don't run with the scissors

And don't scissor with the runs

No Strings Allowed

Three strings were walking down the street looking for a good time. They come upon a bar and figure they'd go in for a drink. The first one stops & points out a sign to the others "No Strings Allowed". Well, the first one, not wanting to be discriminated against says "Screw this, I'm going in." As he enters the bar, the bartender shouts "HEY STRING, get out! no strings allowed in here," as he pulls out some scissors. The string slowly backs out of the bar and tells his friends. The 2nd string says, "i'm not putting up with that!" and goes in. Again, the bartender yells, this time coming out from behind the bar with his scissors "Hey! No strings allowed in here!" Seeing the large bartender coming towards him, the 2nd string turns and goes back outside. The 3rd string says, "well, i don't care, i'm getting a drink". But before he enters, the 3rd string musses his ends and ties himself up in the middle. He enters the bar and the bartender shouts again "Hey, No Strings Allowed." The 3rd string calmly says, "I'm no string". The bartender pauses and says, "you're not a string?" and was somewhat confused. The 3rd string replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

My job application for the scissors company was declined after the hands-on interview

I just didn't make the cut.

How do lesbians settle relationship disagreements?

Rock, paper, scissors!

Which went up to sing karaoke, rock, paper, or scissors?

Rock. He was Boulder.

Why are the top elites around the world scrambling to buy school supplies?

Because scissors beats Panama papers .

Husband and wife(moral)

A husband and wife dies, and go to heaven. There, god tells them they have room for only one of them, and they have to rock-paper-scissors for the spot. Wife whispered something to the husband and then prepares to start. They do it once and the husband chooses paper while the wife chooses scissors, so the husband dies. The wife cradling the dead body says to it, I told you that we should both pick rock.

Old scissors both are and aren't cutting edge technology.


So my grandmother came up to me and asked me to cut a piece of fabric into strips for her. I asked her "What width?"

She replied: "with scissors of course."

When they stone lesbians in middle east,

it's probably their version of rock beats scissors.

My wife left me for her lesbian lover

I guess this is a case of scissors beating rock.

An interesting title

A Policeman pulled
me over and said "Papers?"

So I said "Scissors"
and drove away.

What beats jingle bell scissors?

Jingle bell rock

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes