Scissors Jokes
130 scissors jokes and hilarious scissors puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about scissors that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Look no further for a dose of humor! Get a laugh out of our collection of funny jokes about scissors. Learn all kinds of double meanings and classic word play like Rock, Paper, Scissors and Hacksaw. Plus, throw in some completely unexpected puns about Daikon and Scalpel - you won't want to miss out!
Quick Jump To
- Short Scissors Jokes
- Scissors One Liners
- Rock Paper Scissors Jokes
- Pair Scissors Jokes
- More Scissors Jokes
Funniest Scissors Short Jokes
Short scissors jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The scissors humour may include short cutting jokes also.
- The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, papers? I said, Scissors, I win and drove off.
I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes. - I got pulled over by the police ... He came to the window and said papers ...
I said - scissors, I win - and drove off
He must be desperate for a rematch as he's been chasing me for ages! - The police just pulled me over, and the officer came up to my window and said papers? I said scissors, I win! and drove off. He's been chasing me for 45 minutes now, I think he wants a rematch.
- What's the difference between a little kid and a lesbian? A little kid shouldn't run with scissors, a lesbian shouldn't scissor with the runs.
- Rock, paper and scissors have entered a race. Rock has begun to roll, but paper and scissors remain stationery.
- I misplaced Dwayne Johnson's cutting tool for the origami workshop... I can't believe I lost the Rock's Paper
Scissors... - A police officer stopped me on the highway He told me "Papers, please".
I responded with "Scissors, I win !" and went back on my way. - A cop pulled me over and said, Papers? I said, scissors, I win, and drove off.
He must have wanted a rematch because he has been chasing me for 45 minutes. - Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool. I lost the Rock's paper scissors.
- Cop said papers I said scissors and won so I sped off
guess he wants a rematch cause he's been chasing me for 20 minutes
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Scissors One Liners
Which scissors one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with scissors? I can suggest the ones about screwdriver and knife.
- What do lesbian pirates say? Arrr scissor me timbers
- I had to get a new pair of scissors today. The old ones just weren't cutting it.
- What's the best way for politicians to run. With scissors
- What do you call an innovation in scissors? Cutting-edge technology
- A cop pulled me over and said "papers" I said "scissors, I win!" and drove off.
- Rap is like scissors... It always loses to rock.
- Does Dwayne Johnson purchase bulk shears? No.
The Rock pay per scissors - "Mom, where do scissors come from?" Well, when two ladies love each other very much .....
- I don't run with scissors. The last 2 words in that sentence were unnecessary.
- How do you make a shortcut? With small scissors.
- What did Neanderthals call Rock, Paper, Scissors? Rock.
- My friend handed me broken scissors... I told him this isn't going to cut it.
- Two things you should never do: 1. Run with scissors
2. Scissor with the runs - Daddy, where do scissors come from? Well, two knives screw together.
- Politics is like a game of rock-paper-scissors. Gun beats everything.
Rock Paper Scissors Jokes
Here is a list of funny rock paper scissors jokes and even better rock paper scissors puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A rock and some scissors saw a piece of paper "What's that?" Asked the scissors.
"Beats me" said the rock. - I always wondered why rock didn't beat paper in rock paper scissors Turns out rock just couldn't cut it
- Whats a lesbian drug dealers favorite game? Rock, paper, scissor
- How do you beat a lesbian in a rock, paper, scissor fight? Pick rock, she will most likely pick scissor
- I was walking around a shady street late at night, and someone pulled a pair of scissors out at me. Fortunately, I pulled a rock. Had I pulled out paper, I would've have lost.
- Which went up to sing karaoke, rock, paper, or scissors? Rock. He was Boulder.
- 4 gay guys walk into a bar and notice there is one stool left.
One gay guy suggest to play rock, paper, scissors and the other gay guy says.
"Stop all this nonsense. Lets just flip the stool over." - If I got paid to play rock paper scissors... I'd be making money hand over fist.
- Make a pair of scissors, specifically designed to cut paper, made out of sharpened stone. Call them "Rock Paper Scissors."
- I used to play Rock-Paper-Scissors professionally. I made money hand over fist.
Pair Scissors Jokes
Here is a list of funny pair scissors jokes and even better pair scissors puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear about the latest pair of scissors in the market? It's said to be cutting edge technology
- Why did the man use a pair of scissors on the rope? The knife just wasn't cutting it.
- I saw a pair of scissors with rounded blades the other day, and you know what I thought? What's the point.
- Who do you get when you cross a large pair of scissors and a Disney villain? Shear Khan.
- What do you call a repeat line cutter? A pair of scissors.
- I've figured out how to fix our president!! Quick! Someone get me a pair of scissors!
- How do you get a pair of scissors out of the package? You can't, you need scissors to get scissors.
- How does a blind man ask for a pair of scissor? He still can talk you d**...!
Cheerful Fun Scissors Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
What funny jokes about scissors you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sharp knife jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make scissors pranks.
This has been my stand-by joke since I was about 12
Two brothers want to go deer hunting but the only land nearby is owned by a grumpy farmer.
The decide to ask him if they can hunt on his property but when they pull up in the driveway neither brother wants to go knock on the door.
They play rock-paper-scissors and the older brother loses. He walks to the door and asks the farmer if they can go hunting.
The old farmer points to a nearby corral and says "See that horse? She's been mine for 20 years. She's blind and dying and I don't have the heart to put her down. If you do that for me, you boys can hunt on my land".
The older brother agrees and while walking back to the truck he thinks of a prank to play on his younger brother.
"I'll teach that lousy no-good farmer to say no!" he exclaims. "See that horse over there? Watch this!" He levels his rifle and shoots it! He hears gunshots next to him and looks at his brother.
"I got two of his cows" yells the younger brother, "lets get out of here!"
I thought this joke was very funny and true.
Why is rap like scissors? Because rock beats scissors...
So my grandmother came up to me and asked me to cut a piece of fabric into strips for her. I asked her "What width?"
She replied: "with scissors of course."
Two l**... are playing rock, paper, scissors ..who will win ?
No one ... Both of them are choosing "scissors" again and again !
How does a lesbian pirate ask for s**...?
"Scissor me timbers!"
Why can't l**... have s**... at concerts?
Because rock beats scissors.
Why are the top elites around the world scrambling to buy school supplies?
Because scissors beats Panama papers .
When you get pulled over by a cop...
A cop pulled me over and said "Papers..." So I said "Scissors!" and drove off ; )
Paper, Rock, and Scissors were sitting at a table playing Poker
They are playing a hand and Rock goes all in, Scissors places $50, and paper snapped in a half and dies.
Scissors asks, "What happened?".
Rocks replies, "I think he folded".
A cop pulls an i**... immigrant over near the US-Mexico border and asks "Papers?"
The immigrant responds "Scissors" and drives away
What's the perfect name for a salon run by a couple of lesbian nuns?
Scissor Sisters
*ba-dum-tiss*
A Mexican attempts to pass the border
A border control officer catches them and says, "Papers."
The Mexican replied, "Scissors."
The border control officer replied,"d**...! Well, you're free to go!"
What do you call a gay-p**... starring Dwayne Johnson and Johnny Depp?
"*Rock Beats Scissors*"
How do you stop 2 l**... from having s**...?
With a rock. Rock beats scissors.
Running with scissors is a bad idea.
Then again, so is s**... with the runs.
What's more dangerous than running with the scissors?
s**... with the runs
I heard that Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is thinking in running for President.
The only way he's winning if he's going against scissors.
Pulled over by the Five-O
A cop pulled me over the other day. Apparently I was speeding. He said: "Papers."
I said: "Scissors, I win!" and drove away.
Why do so many l**... have short hair?
They just get really excited about scissors.
A roofer gets to choose how to get onto the roof. He can either use a scissor lift or a series of steps between two metal poles.
He chose the ladder.
I've never actually seen two women s**...
But I bet you it sounds like an arm pit f**... contest
Kid Rock announced he won't be running for the Republican Michigan Senate nomination .
This come as a great relief to Democratic challenger Kid Scissors.
If straight couples usually end s**... when the man finishes, how do l**... know when it's time to stop?
When the scissors get dull
What does the peg-legged lesbian pirate say to her girlfriend when she's in the mood?
Scissor me timbers.
What beats jingle bell scissors?
Jingle bell rock
Why do Lakers fans trim their nails with scissors?
Because they hate Clippers.
Do you ever wonder why so many l**... have short hair?
It's because they get excited about scissors.
CUT TO THE PAST
Ian is a barber and one day after servicing a haircut, a customer instead of money, gives him a crystal sphere and Ian, not wanting to argue and especially liking the sphere, accepts it.
He presses the Sphere and suddenly he's transported to ancient Egypt with all the scissor and blades in hand.
The Greeks spot him and yell 'BarberIan'.
Just won the most exciting rock papers scissors match I've ever had
The cop said "Papers" I said "scissors" and inmeditaly after that I drove the f#@€ away.
He must have been crazy for a Rematch because he chase me for 10 min!
What do you call lesbian s**... in an elevator
A Scissor lift
Whats worse than running with scissors?
s**... with the runs.
A police officer turned on his lights, pulled me over, walked to my window and said "papers?"
I looked at him with a smile and said "Scissors, I win." and drove off.
I think he wants to do best out of 3 because he's been chasing me for an hour.
Husband and wife(moral)
A husband and wife dies, and go to heaven. There, god tells them they have room for only one of them, and they have to rock-paper-scissors for the spot. Wife whispered something to the husband and then prepares to start. They do it once and the husband chooses paper while the wife chooses scissors, so the husband dies. The wife cradling the dead body says to it, I told you that we should both pick rock.
My job application for the scissors company was declined after the hands-on interview
I just didn't make the cut.
My wife left me for her lesbian lover
I guess this is a case of scissors beating rock.
How do l**... settle relationship disagreements?
Rock, paper, scissors!
When they stone l**... in middle east,
it's probably their version of rock beats scissors.
Old scissors both are and aren't cutting edge technology.
Facts.
Kids should not run with scissors...
...and l**... should not scissor with the runs.
I took a girl home last night. We were fooling around, and she sighed and said, You don't have much experience removing bras, do you?
Me: What gave me away?
Her: The scissors, mostly.
Don't run with the scissors
And don't scissor with the runs
A terrible hairdresser was known for cutting customers' scalps with scissors.
One such customer, fed up and covered in wounds, told the hairdresser off.
The hairdresser snapped back, "Hey buddy, show some appreciation! You only paid $5 for this haircut, and I've already used $10 worth of bandages!"
\- From "Philogelos", an ancient Greek joke book dated to around 200 AD.
Why are there no l**... in Saudi Arabia?
Because rock beats scissors.
If the love between men is referred to as "brotherly love," what do you call the love between women?
Scissorly love
Cop asks for papers.
Cop says papers, I say scissors I win and drive off.
Must want a rematch been chasin me for the last 20mins.
Never run with scissors
And never scissor with the runs
What do you call a lady with a rock hard body having s**... with a paper thin lady?
Rock scissors paper
I was hit by a stationary vehicle the other day,
luckily it wasn't carrying any scissors
Every one knows to not run with scissors.
But it is also important to never scissor with the runs.
What do you call two guys s**...?
Mixed nuts.
"Edward, I gave you scissors for hands, but don't let that define who you are"
Ok. BTW what's my last name?
"Scissorhands"
Why did Dwayne Johnson beat 2 Gay women?
Because Rock beats scissors.
Scissors are a beautifully simplistic piece of technology.
Their invention was nothing but shear genius.
What do lesbian pirates say while having s**...?
Scissor me timbers
