Scientists Jokes

Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have H2O," says the first.
"I'll have H2O, too," says the second.
The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

Scientists have discovered a new type of polar bear. It can live in both the North and South poles, is prone to extreme mood swings and has shown interest in other bears of both genders.

It's a bi-polar bipolar bi polar bear

They found a cat on mars...

A live cat was found roaming the surface of Mars. Scientists planned to have the Mars Rover capture the animal to study it but unfortunately while attempting to capture the feline, Curiosity killed the cat.

Studies show that prostitutes have higher levels of oxytocin than the average person.

Oxytocin is known to increase e**... vocalizations during s**.... Scientists believe that this may be an adaptation to help with pleasing their clients.
It's a very powerful w**...-moan.

Two scientists walk into a bar

I'll have H20 says the 1st.
I'll have H20, too says the 2nd.
The bartender doesn't have a clue what they want because he flunked out of high school, and started working at a bar.

Two scientists were walking around in Russia during winter

Scientist one: It's really cold outside, how many degrees?
Scientist two: it's -40°
Scientist one: Celsius or Fahrenheit?
Scientist two: Yes.

Two scientists walk into a restaurant. The first one says, "I'll have an H2O."

The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. Why are you referring to it so strangely. We're not at work anymore."
The first scientist goes into the bathroom and cries. His assassination attempt has failed.

Female hormones in a beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

Two scientists walk into a bar...

The first one says, "I'd like some H2O."
The second says, "And I'll have some H2... wait. Why aren't you just referring to water by its normal name? I mean, I know it's our job, but we're just getting a drink."
The first scientist slams the table angrily, for his assassination scheme had been foiled.

Two scientists walk into a restaurant

The first one says, "I'll have a glass of H2O".
The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. We are not at work right now, why are you referring to it like that?"
The first scientist goes into the bathroom and weeps, for his m**... plan had failed.

Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.

The results speak for themselves.

Two scientists walk into a bar The first one says I'll have some H2O. The second one says, I'll have some H2O too.

The bartender pours them both hydrogen peroxide because he's tired of their b**... every day

Scientists have deciphered hieroglyphics thought to be 5,500 years old. The first full sentence says

"This is a repost."

Two scientists are playing Minecraft.

Two scientists are playing Minecraft. One is new to the game and doesn't know much about it. At some point, he crafts a pickaxe, but doesn't know what to do with it, so he asks the more experienced scientist.
Scientist 1: Bro, what should I do with this pickaxe that I crafted?
Scientist 2: Br.

A study conducted by a group of scientists shows that women that have more than 25% body fat live longer than the men who mention it to them

Physicists are the only scientists that matter

But mathematicians are the only ones who count

Scientists have discovered why flamingos stand on one leg

Because if they lifted the other one as well, they'd fall.

A Chemist, Biologist, and Physicist were captured by n**...

The n**... had taken all three scientists to the woods and lined them up on their knees with their hands on their head. They were about to be executed.
The n**... aim their guns, and the biologist screams "bear". The n**... turn around expecting a bear, but none was there. The biologist had escaped the n**....
So they aim their guns again and the physicist yells "lightning". Again, the n**... turn around to look for lightning but don't see any. The physicist had now escaped.
With just the chemist left, the n**... aim their guns and the chemist yells "fire!".

Scientists found out that c**... hear through their legs.

A scientist yelled at a crab and it ran away. Then he cut of its legs and yelled at it again. And suddenly the crab didn't run away anymore.

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds

They've left no tern unstoned

39 digits of pi accurately calculates the circumference of the universe to the width of a hydrogen atom

Scientists still can't determine how much is needed for your mother though

Scientists claim its impossible to fold a piece of paper 8 times.

They have obviously never seen me wiping my a**... when there is only one sheet of toilet paper left.

Although COVID spreads mostly through the mouth & nose..

..scientists now conclude the greatest risk comes from a**....

Muslim scientists..

Muslim scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the dark ages.
They're calling it 'Islam'.

Two scientists, Jim and Dave, walk into a bar...

... Jim asks for a H20.
Dave asks why he ordered it like that, and Jim says that they're scientists and so should present themselves as such.
Dave replies "whatever, I'll have a water too".
Jim watches the bartender get Dave's drink, angry that his assassination attempt failed.

Scientists say four out of five people suffer from diarrhea...

I'm just wondering, does that mean that *one* other person enjoys it?

Students at M.I.T. recently developed a new contender for the blackest material known to man...

Scientists attempted to demonstrate it in public, but it was immediately shot by the police.

Lice have become resistant to most conventional treatments.

Scientists are scratching their heads.

Scientists tested a frog.

They cut off its legs and said "jump!"
The frog didn't jump.
Scientists therefore concluded that when frogs lose their legs, they become deaf.

Two scientists walk into a bar.

The first scientist says "I'll have h2o"
The second scientist says "I'll have a water"
The first scientist goes back home and rethinks his assassination plan.

Scientists have invented a way to send messages to alternate universes...

... they are calling them "parallelograms".

I bet a lot of money that scientists will be able to perfect human cloning soon.

If not, I won't be able to live with myself.

American scientists made a clocks ...

that goes forward a second if someone swears near it.
So for testing they put them in army barracks of England, France and Russia. After a while they go and check on clocks.
In England clock is 2 second forward. In France clock is 30 seconds forward. They now visit Russia and see that clock is missing.
They ask nearby solider :"What happened to the clock?".
Solider replies : "We didn't need that fan in here."

2 scientists walk into a bar, the first one says I'll have H2O the second one says I'll have water also the first scientist walks off, furious that is assassination attempt had failed.

You have to be moderately smart to understand it...

NASA Scientists say its possible to live on Mars.

b**..., I tried it and now I'm 15Kg heavier and diabetic

Scientists announced that a man had chilled himself to absolute zero in an industrial accident.

He's 0K right now.

My grandad died yesterday.

His final wish before he died was that his body be used by scientists to create a massive cloud of water vapour.
He will be mist.

After years of research, scientists discovered bees are allergic to pollen

Turns out when exposed to pollen, bees develop hives

Scientists claims that 85% of rainforests will be gone by 2025

but if we worked really hard, we can do it by the end of 2017

The world's leading scientists build a lie-detecting machine...

...so powerful that if you are detected to be lying, it you immediately drop dead.
They bring around three test subjects. The first one, an Irishman, is hooked to the machine. He says, "I think I don't drink" and the next moment, he's dead. Next, it's the Asian's turn. She says, "I think I'm a good driver" and what do you know! She too is killed instantly. Then the blonde walks up and confidently begins,"I think—" and drops dead.

Scientists have discovered the new element AH

The element of suprise

Yo momma's privates are like Mars...

It took a team of scientists decades to find moisture on it.

Recently, a group of scientists discovered...

a subclass of ant has a genetic mutation that makes them grow larger than average, DESPITE missing a jointed segment on their legs. This same mutation also causes them to have an aversion to dairy-based foods, even with their high based sugar content.
TL;DR lack-toes-in-taller-ants

Scientists have recently discovered a new bioluminescent bug that performs a strange dance any time there is a full moon.

They are calling it a Raving Luna Tick.

The scientists have finally found out what a woman wants.

But she has already changed her mind.

Scientists have successfully grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.

The results speak for themselves

Using the new James Webb telescope, scientists recently discovered an enormous object in deep space that shares nearly identical chemical composition as humor in the human brain.

Ultimately it was determined to be no laughing matter

The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming numbers...

Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.

Scientists record the sound of two helium atoms laughing.

HeHe

How do scientists keep their breath fresh?

Experamints

2 scientists walk into a bar

the first one says: I´ll have a glass of H2O...
the second one says: i´ll have a glass of water too.... Wh... why did you say H2O ? Is there any reason to use the chemical formular outside the lab ?Doesn`t this just over-complicate things for no reason ? I really don´t think that was very smart...
the first scientists stares at his drink, angry, that his assassination plan has failed...

How often do scientists reference the Table of Elements?

Periodically.

Breaking: scientists sneak up on periodic table

And add the element of surprise

Scientists have finally discovered exactly how much sleep a human needs.....

"Just five minutes more."

If you're trying to figure out what rocket scientists do on their day off

It's not rocket science

Why do computer scientists confuse halloween with christmas?

Because
Oct 31 = Dec 25

Two scientists are working together

Both have different projects to work on.
1st scientist saw 1 unknown chemical. Curiously, he asked,"Bro, what and whose chemical is this?"
2nd scientist replied, "Bromine"

Scientists have discovered a fantastic new shade of the colour green.

Its sublime

Scientists confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting Covid...

Apparently they're filled with anty-bodies

New Zealand scientists have discovered two new uses for sheep...

Meat and wool.
(Exchange for Welshmen if need be)

Scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children.

It's probably better to just use an ashtray.

New Pandemic Virus

Scientists are now concerned about a new virus which could become the next pandemic, which they have called the "peekaboo" virus. Patient who get the Peekaboo virus are put in ICU.

Scientists have discovered a food that reduces a woman's s**... drive:

Wedding cake