Science Jokes

Science builds planes and skyscrapers
but faith brings them together.

Hear are sum morre punny science jokes
How often do I tell chemistry jokes? Periodically.

Is Silicon the same in English as in Spanish? Si.

The last time I told a chemistry joke there was no reaction.

Chemistry puns Im in my element.

What do you do with a dead chemist?
Barium

Ion-estly cant think of anymore... All the good ones Argon!

Edit 1 just thought of this.

What does Barium Cobalt and Nitrogen make?
BaCoN

They say there's no opinions in science
But I've seen people get real heated over thermochemistry

And they really melt down when you bring up nuclear engineering

Have you seen how twisted people get when it comes to DNA?

Cartography is the worst, people are just all over the map

You should see how hormonal people get about endocrinology

You can really feel the pressure in the room when someone brings up hydraulics.

Why did Steve Irwin fail his computer science class?
String Arrays

I was going to tell you guys a joke about science…
But all of them argon…

Chuck Norris has proven Newton's third law of physics, there is no force equal to a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick.

Science Joke
Two guys walk into a bar and sit down, the bartender asks the first guy what he wants, he says "I'll have some H20." The bartender asks the second guy what he wants and he says, "I'll have some H202". The second guy dies.

What do you call a dragon with no silver?
a dron.

​

dr**ag**on (science joke)

What's Goku's favorite subject?
Super Science.

The girl in science class
So this girl is sitting in her science class and the current chapter is reporduction. The teacher begins talking about semen and how it is loaded with sugar so the sperm have energy to swim to the egg.

So the girl says, "If it has sugar, why isn't it sweet?"

And the teacher says, "Because the tastebuds for sweet are at the tip of your tongue, not at the back of your throat"

The Difference between Religion and Science...
Science flies you into space.

Religion flies you into buildings.

OMG!! I made a science Joke.
What did the German small intestine say when you asked him if he would go to the party?

-Vill i?

They say there's no opinions in science
But I've seen people get real heated over thermochemistry

And they really melt down when you bring up nuclear engineering

Have you seen how twisted people get when it comes to DNA?

Cartography is the worst, people are just all over the map

You should see how hormonal people get about endocrinology

You can really feel the pressure in the room when someone brings up hydraulics.

After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences:
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling.
3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.

Conclusion: The more money you make, the smaller your balls become.

How to put 7 holes in 1 hole?
Mr. Dickson, the science teacher, asked his 4th graders one day if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.

Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers. They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer.

"Look," said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little "zero."

"This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole."

"Aaaaaaahhhhhh," said the children.

The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, "Mr. Dickson, my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in 1 hole.

"Hmmmm," he thought, "How can you put 7 holes in 1? Well, I'll be darned; I don't know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?"

"Yes," said Little Johnny, "You take a flute and shove it up your ass!"

Just a little science joke for everyone.
A physics professor and his assistant are working on liberating negatively charged hydroxyl ions, when all of a sudden, the assistant says, "Wait, Professor! What if the salicylic acids do not accept the hydroxyl ions?"

And the professor responds.....,

"That's no hydroxyl ion!
**THAT'S MY WIFE!!**"

Bahhah

Hear are sum morre punny science jokes
How often do I tell chemistry jokes? Periodically.

Is Silicon the same in English as in Spanish? Si.

The last time I told a chemistry joke there was no reaction.

Chemistry puns Im in my element.

What do you do with a dead chemist?
Barium

Ion-estly cant think of anymore... All the good ones Argon!

Edit 1 just thought of this.

What does Barium Cobalt and Nitrogen make?
BaCoN

The girl in science class
So this girl is sitting in her science class and the current chapter is reporduction. The teacher begins talking about semen and how it is loaded with sugar so the sperm have energy to swim to the egg.

So the girl says, "If it has sugar, why isn't it sweet?"

And the teacher says, "Because the tastebuds for sweet are at the tip of your tongue, not at the back of your throat"

Please post your best nerdy jokes here...
I want the cream of the crop, the absolute finest jokes that you have to offer, as long as they are classified as 'nerdy', relating to Science or Maths.

Another science joke
I was gonna tell another boron science joke but NaH2

(Imagine the 2 is subscript)

A science joke I just made up. What do you get when you cross a chicken with a road?
A CHIRAL CHICKEN!

(get it? Because the chicken crossed the road...)

Read this in an email by the Electronic Frontier Foundation (EFF) - science joke
"This newsletter is printed from 100% recycled electrons."

Science jokes
Thought i'd make a post compiling a few of my favourite science jokes. You can add your favourites in the comments below.


Q: How many physicists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two. One to hold the lightbulb, and the other to rotate the universe around it.


Q: What's the difference between a quantum mechanic and an automobile mechanic?

A: The quantum mechanic doesn't have to open his garage door to get his car out.


Werner Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding. The officer asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?. Heisenberg replies "No, but I know where I am."

A science joke
A physics professor and his assistant are working on liberating negatively charged hydroxyl ions, when all of a sudden, the assistant says, "Wait, Professor! What if the salicylic acids do not accept the hydroxyl ions?" And the professor responds, "That's no hydroxyl ion! That's my wife!"

Clever student
A teacher is giving a science class and talking about the Earth and its movements around the Sun. "What's the axis of the Earth?" the teacher asks. And a student answers. "It's an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolved."
Very good," the teacher replies. "Now, could you hang your clothes on that line?"
"Yes, sir," the student replies.
Surprised, the teacher responds, "Oh, really? What sort of clothes, if you don't mind me asking?"
And the student replies, "Imaginary clothes."

What's Goku's favorite subject?
Super Science.

Black sheep
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child.

Science jokes!
A proton walks into a bar. Strolls up to the bartender and says "I don't care what you serve me, but I want the most expensive drink you offer."

The bartender looks at him quizzically. "You sure about that, buddy?"

**"I'm positive."**

A cute little neutron walks in right after him. "I'll have what he's having," she says.

The bartender pours another glass, slides it over with a wink. **"No charge."**

A mole walks into the same bar, sweating profusely.
"I just worked the hardest I've ever worked. I need a drink. No, I need a lot of drinks. Just keep them coming."

The bartender asks, "How many are you going to have?"

**"6.02 times 10 to the 23rd."**

What's the difference between science and women?
I don't lose all interest in science after I cum.

A generic science major and an english literature major walk into a bar and are asked by a mutual friend how to best evaluate a book.
I just wrote a joke: A generic science major and an english literature major walk into a bar and are asked by a mutual friend how to best evaluate a book.

The generic science major takes a few moments to think, then says, "Well, I would read up on the history of the book, process the literature within a few months (well enough to formulate some questions to ask participants that are likely to assess the book's content, influence, and perceived influence), then test a few of the relevant questions that the lit. search analysis generates. In some kind of controlled setting, obviously. You?"

The english literature major takes a shot, then says, "Uhhh... first I'd read it."

Science builds planes and skyscrapers
but faith brings them together.

Why did Steve Irwin fail his computer science class?
String Arrays

I was going to tell you guys a joke about science…
But all of them argon…

What's Goku's favorite subject?
Super Science.

What do you call a dragon with no silver?
a dron.

​

dr**ag**on (science joke)

Why is a science party the best party?
A lot of great chemistry.

Yo mama is so fat they thought her butt was a new planet.

Q. What do clouds do when they become rich?

A. They make it rain!

Q: Why can you never trust an atom?



A: Because they make up everything

Q: Why can't you trust an atom?
A: Because they make up everything.

When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St.

Peter wouldn’t let him in until he proved his identity.
Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.

And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, “How do I know you’re Picasso?”
Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces.
St. Peter was convinced and let him in.

When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates.
“How can you prove to me you’re George W. Bush?” Saint Peter said.
Bush replied, “Well heck, I don’t know.”
St. Peter says, “Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you’re George W. Bush?”
Bush replies, “Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?”
St. Peter says, “It must be you, George, c’mon on in.”

Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.

It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA;

they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.
As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.
He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it.
"Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."
He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.
He said, "But that’s impossible... we could never do it. Yes Mr. President,” and hung up the phone.
He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.
"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we’ve found intelligent life on Mars... he wants us to try to find it in Congress."

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

We live in an expanding universe.
All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

"What are you doing there?"
"I'm making something.

"
"What are you making?"
"A bomb."
"Can I help?"
"Impossible. It's a nuclear one..."

Parallel lines have so much in common.
It's a shame they'll never meet.

A man walks into a chemist’s and says, "Can I have a bar of soap, please?"
The chemist says, "Do you want it scented?"
And the man says, "No, I’ll take it with me now."

Scientists invented a machine to catch thieves.

In 30 minutes in Canada the machine caught 10 thieves, in 15 minutes in the U.S the machine caught 5 thieves, in 3 minutes in Trinidad thieves stole the machine.

Mr. Brown was telling his son a bed-time story.
"Once upon a time there was a white bunny..."
"Jeez..dad it's boring,what about science fiction?"
"Ok,Ok" Mr Brown said.
"Once upon a time there was a Bunny who got onto a spacecraft and...."
"Dad, a little more grown up!"
"Do you promise me not to tell your mom?" asked Mr Brown.
" I swear!"
"Ok", "Once upon a time there was a naked bunny..."

When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St.

Peter wouldn’t let him in until he proved his identity.
Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.

And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, “How do I know you’re Picasso?”
Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces.
St. Peter was convinced and let him in.

When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates.
“How can you prove to me you’re George W. Bush?” Saint Peter said.
Bush replied, “Well heck, I don’t know.”
St. Peter says, “Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you’re George W. Bush?”
Bush replies, “Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?”
St. Peter says, “It must be you, George, c’mon on in.”

There was no Big Bang.
Chuck Norris arm wrestled himself and the energy produced created the universe.

There's an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.

..
Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.

It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA;

they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.
As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.
He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it.
"Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."
He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.
He said, "But that’s impossible... we could never do it. Yes Mr. President,” and hung up the phone.
He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.
"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we’ve found intelligent life on Mars... he wants us to try to find it in Congress."

Whats the chemical formula of compressed liquid oxygen?
O2.zip

What do Scientists have for snacks?
Micro-chips.

How do you tell an introverted computer scientist from an extroverted computer scientist?
An extroverted computer scientist looks at your shoes when he talks to you.

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed.
The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain.
They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane.
They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.
The physicist said "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed".
The engineer said "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong".
The programmer said "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"

One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car. All of a sudden, the car broke down.
The Mechanical Engineer said, "I think a rod broke."
The Chemical Engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I don't think it's getting gas."
The Electrical Engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system."
All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?"
The Computer Engineer said, "I think we should all get out and get back in."

One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept.

A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this pointless information"
"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again.
"So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school," replied the professor.

Bad Science Joke
A high school science teacher is ordering supplies for his class online, but he can't find one particular compound. So he calls the store. "Excuse me sir," says he, "But do you by chance carry Sodium Bromate?" The store owner replies, "Na-BrO"

Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean.

Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there.
The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.
The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."
The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."
While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires.
They both scream, "What are you doing?"
To which the statistician replies, "Trying to get an adequate sample size."

One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, "There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First: Don't fear anything."
After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same.
After hesitating, they all did it.
"Next," the professor said, "you have to have a key observation finger. Thus, I licked my index finger."

My son came home from school today...
...and said


"My perverted science teacher tried touching me down below today."

"What did you do?" I asked.

He said, "I done it back."

"You fucking queer!" I shouted.

"But she loved it dad" he said.

"You fucking legend!" I shouted.

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science.

She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.
Now it was question time, and she asked, “My name begins with the letter ‘M’ and I pick up things.
What am I?”
A little boy on the front row proudly said, “You’re a mother!”

One day, a young boy was asked by his teacher to tell him what the chemical formula for water was.

The boy replied with "H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O".
The Teacher was stunned. "That's not right, how did you come up with that?"
The boy said, "Last week you said it was H2O!"

A Jewish boy comes home with his report card.
His parents take a look and see:

English: A
Science: A
History: A
Math: F

They tell him he's grounded until they see improvement, but when the next report card comes he gets an F in math yet again! After thinking hard about what to do this time, they decide they must send him to Catholic school.

After just one term at Catholic school he comes home with an A in Math! The father asks, "Son, what made this time so different?"

He replies, "Well when I saw that kid nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"

Origin of the vagina
Don't know if repost, but I found this written in my high school science notes from years ago. Obviously I didn't make straight A's.


Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, with smart wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit.

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.

Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within.

Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without.

Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell.

Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee.

Last was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 95%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

What's the difference between science and women?
I don't lose all interest in science after I cum.

First woman in space:
"Houston, we have a problem.

"
What?
"Never mind."
What's the problem?
"Nothing."
Please tell us.
"I'm fine."

Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.

"Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned."

A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment.

They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed.
The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman.
The mathematician said "this is pointless" and stormed off.
The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway.
The mathematician exclaimed on his way out "don't you see, you'll never actually reach her?".
To which the engineer replied, "so what? Pretty soon I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!"

Why is an achievement in Mathematics greater than an achievement in any of the other sciences?
Because for an achievement in math, you receive Abel whereas for science, you receive Nobel.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Parallel lines have so much in common.
It's a shame they'll never meet.

George and Harry out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean.

After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are".
Harry let's out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.
George says, "I still can't tell where we are, let's ask that guy on the ground".
So Harry yells down at the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?"
The man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air".
George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer".
And Harry says "How can you tell?".
George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate and totally useless".
That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry:
They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".

A Jewish boy comes home with his report card.
His parents take a look and see:

English: A
Science: A
History: A
Math: F

They tell him he's grounded until they see improvement, but when the next report card comes he gets an F in math yet again! After thinking hard about what to do this time, they decide they must send him to Catholic school.

After just one term at Catholic school he comes home with an A in Math! The father asks, "Son, what made this time so different?"

He replies, "Well when I saw that kid nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"

Chuck Norris can convert kilograms into centimeters.

Three statisticians are out hunting.
Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away.
The first statistician shoots and hits the tree 5 feet to the left.
The second statistician shoots and hits the tree 5 feet to the right.
The third statistician starts jumping up and down, yelling "We got him! We got him!"

Black sheep
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child.

A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment.

They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed.
The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman.
The mathematician said "this is pointless" and stormed off.
The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway.
The mathematician exclaimed on his way out "don't you see, you'll never actually reach her?".
To which the engineer replied, "so what? Pretty soon I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!"

Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean.

Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there.
The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.
The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."
The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."
While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires.
They both scream, "What are you doing?"
To which the statistician replies, "Trying to get an adequate sample size."

An engineer and a physicist are in a hot-air balloon.

After a few hours they lose track of where they are and descend to get directions.
They yell to a jogger, "Hey, can you tell us where we're at?"
After a few moments the jogger responds, "You're in a hot-air balloon."
The engineer says, "You must be a mathematician."
The jogger, shocked, responds, "yeah, how did you know I was a mathematician?"
"Because, it took you far too long to come up with your answer, it was 100% correct, and it was completely useless."