School Start Jokes

Little Johnny was walking down the hallway at school.
When he reaches his classroom he looks inside and sees a sub instead of his regular teacher.
Johnny sits down and the teacher says, “Now students, my name is Ms. Prussy. Not the other word, this word has an r after the first letter.” Johnny started laughing.
An hour later he forgot her name and said, “Your name has an r after the first letter is it Ms. Crunt?”

Virginity in school

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a v**...."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

A cow joke

Our professor started our lecture on ketosis of dairy cows by telling us about an exciting new research project at our veterinary school's dairy facility. They are working with NASA to launch some cows into outer space to orbit the earth. The title of the project is The herd shot round the world.

Ooooh, I need a bike

Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed n**... moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed n**... with a n**... guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down n**..., and started to touch himself, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

A pony recently got to work as a teacher,

But 1 day before school starts he got a cold. Naturally he couldn't talk as loud as usual so the next day he comes into the class and says: "Good morning! Sorry if I'm being a bit quiet, I'm just a little horse."

I heard this one at school today

Jack and Amy both work for the same company. Their work is going fine until the economy falls and the company starts downsizing. The boss was given the option to fire one of them. He calls Amy into his office to break her the news. He says: "I'll either have to lay you or j**...".

An International School Teacher

...starts a lesson with her 4 students, who are an American kid, an African kid, a European kid and a Chinese kid. She asks "what's your opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"
first, the African kid asks "what's food?"
the European kid asks "what's scarcity?"
the American kid asks "what's other countries?"
and finally the Chinese kid asks "what's my own opinion?"

Little Billy comes home early from school, only to find his Dad m**... in the living room...

As Billy is quite young, he is shocked and confused at what he is seeing. His Dad tries to explain:
"Don't be scared, Billy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm doing something completely normal. In fact, you are going to start doing it pretty soon as well."
"Why is that, Dad?", young Billy asks.
"Because, son, my hand is getting tired and I need someone to take over."

Teacher: why did you laugh?

Teacher: why did you laugh?
Boy: I saw one strap of your bra.
Teacher: get out of the class for 1 week.
Two boys laughed, Teacher: why did you laugh:
boys: I saw both straps. Teacher: get out for 1 month. She bent down to take chalk, jony started walking out.
Teacher: jony, why you are going out?
Jony: what I just saw I think my school days are over.

The firefighters dog

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children started discussing what the dog's duties might be.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child concluded. "No silly, they use the dogs to find the fire hydrant!"

If life was like middle school

Judge: In all my years on the bench, I have never seen a more despicable criminal. You robbed, assaulted, and tortured the victim simply for the thrill of it. Do you have anything to say before I sentence you?
Criminal: Nope
Judge: I hereby sentence you to forty years in a maximum security prison. I also sentence the victim to forty years in prison.
Victim: Wait- what? That doesn't make any sense! *He* attacked *me*!
Judge: I don't care who started it.

My Wife and I Were Sitting at a Table

At her high school reunion, when she kept staring at a drunken man swigging a beer as he sat at a nearby table.
I asked her "Do you know him?"
"Yes" she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago & he hasn't been sober since.
"WOW" I said. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating for so long?!?"
And that's when the fight started....

Optometry jokes

I just started optometry school and I'm in desperate need of optometry jokes. Any suggestions?

My wife saw her ex high school boyfriend, drunk in the street. She said he started drinking when she broke up with him after graduation decades ago. I said....

....Impressive. .. I've never seen anyone celebrate that long before.

Did you hear about the kid who was outstanding at school?

He came in when it started to rain.

A teacher was teaching sentences in school.

"Wendy," she says. "Say a sentence that starts with the letter I."
"I is..." Wendy says before she gets cut off by the teacher.
"No, it is 'I *am,*' not 'I is.' Try again," the teacher corrects.
"Okay... I *am* the ninth letter of the alphabet," Wendy says.

Back when I was in school...

I was a huge metal fan. One day this really pretty girl came over and sat down next to me in the lunch room. I tried so hard to be cool, I'd never tried to be cool so hard in my life!
Then the worst possible thing happened. The teacher started walking over towards me, and when she got there... she unplugged me.

I started this class on the weekend that teaches you how to make ice cream...

Sundae School.

Black people play 2k, then go to them gym and start trying to be like Kobe.

White people play Call of Duty, then go to school and try to go on a 25-kill streak.

A teacher receives a phone call shortly before the school day starts

Caller: Mr. Brown, my son James will not come to school today because he is sick.
Teacher: Who am I speaking to please?
Caller: I am my father.

So there's an American English Teacher that went to Germany…

He went to a school to teach children how to speak English.
One the first day, he taught them all words that began with the letter A.
On the second day, he taught them words that started with B.
On the the third day, which was words with C, he thought to himself,
"How are they gonna handle D-Day?"

At Clearwater School For the Disabled

We serve children with disabilities. Starting at $5.99 a pound.

Sports Day

It's sports day at a school for "special" kids. During the egg and spoon race, little Johnny falls and hurts himself badly.
One of the teachers freaks out and yells "call Johnny an ambulance, call Johnny an ambulance!"
All the kids immediately start pointing at Johnny and laughing saying "Johnny is an ambulance- Johnny is an ambulance!"

Did you hear about the fire at the school for the mentally disabled?

Some of the kids started it because they thought they were fire retardant.

I'm starting a school for testing the strength of different juices

It's called the Juice Concentration Camp

My girlfriend wants prostitution legalized so she can start a h**... Training Course...

...I told her I disagreed with that school of thot

I've just finished the script for a film I titled "American Schools"

Shooting starts soon.

When I was in middle school, my "friends" used to force me to eat vegetables until I almost threw up.

They even started sending me pictures of vegetables on the internet, threatening to make me eat lettuce until I was sick. To this day, I still suffer from the effects of their rampant and traumatic fiber-bullying.

What's it like to be drunk?

A boy was riding home from school with his dad. He had just started learning about alcohol and drinking in his health class.
"Dad, when you're drinking how do you know you're drunk?"
"Well son, when you're drunk your speech is slurred and your vision gets worse and worse. A drunk person would see 4 cars in front of us and not 2."
"But Dad, there's only 1 car in front of us!"

Why did the gunman start shooting at the ocean?

Because he found out fish swim in schools.

I was walking down the street one day and I passed the gun store. I walked in and everything was half off...

I didn't know back to school sales had already started!

An orphan boy at my school did really bad in a test and started crying.

I said, "Don't worry, your parents won't say anything."

What's the difference from when you've just started school, to when you've completed a philosophy degree?

When you just start school you know nothing about anything. But when you complete a philosophy degree you know everything about nothing.

I met this little boy today who told me he is starting at a new school tomorrow and was afraid that the other kids would bully him.

I told him, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize. Why would anyone pick on you?"

Started high school with straight As. Ended it with a boyfriend.

I went from earning As to getting Ds.

In an elementary school English class, kids are learning the word contagious . Teacher calls on students, asking them to use it in a sentence.

- Susan?
- I had a flu and mommy made me stay home for 3 days because I was contagious!
- Very good. What about you, Johnny?
- Our neighbor Mrs. Henderson has started painting her fence last night, daddy says it's gonna take the contagious!

The school hired me as a photographer

So I was hired to photograph a school event and when I walked up to the doors these security guys stared me down and asked what I was doing
I started to reach for my camera and said I was the school shooter
And the d**... jumped on me and cuffed me!

In the morning, the mother wakes up the child "Come on, wake up, you know the quarantine is over and school starts again!"

"But, mom, why do I have to go? I hate school!"
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"One: all children hate me, two: all teachers hate me even more!"
"These are just excuses, get up once and for all!"
"But then YOU give me two reasons to go."
"One: you are 41 years old, two: you are the school principal!"

Whats you father's occupation?

Asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the academic year. "He's a magician," said the small boy. "How interesting! What's his favorite trick? "Sawing people in half." "Really? Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?' "Yes, one half brother and two half-sisters."

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?".
I said "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?", I said "No, she's an optician."

What if I tell you there is a way to stop all the kids in the school making fun of you because you are still a v**...?

Just start giving them bad grades.

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school

One day he surprised his teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"

In high school, I was dared to play gay chicken , which is where two straight guys pretend to be gay and the first one to chicken out loses...

The other guy and I are really stubborn, and neither of us wanted to lose. We've been married 14 years and run a bed and breakfast in Vermont with our adopted daughter. If that dude doesn't chicken out soon, I'm going to start to suspect he is actually gay.

Back when I was in elementary school one of my teachers would have a letter of the day and then pick one of the students to say something about the letter of the day.

One day I got picked and the letter of that day was N so I got asked, "Jeff, why don't you use the letter of the day, N, and tell us something that you're not very good at that starts with the letter N." I stood up next to my desk and said... Spelling

Snow Day

This morning thousands of students and teachers on the East Coast woke up, saw a mountain of snow, started screaming happily and then thought.......
s**..., we have school online today

A little girl in her Sunday best was running...

A little girl in her Sunday best was running as fast as she could to get to Sunday school on time. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late. Dear Lord, please don't let me be late." At that moment she tripped and fell getting her clothes all dirty. She got up, brushed herself off and started running again, praying... "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late, but don't shove me anymore!"

A dad buys a lie detector robot and it slaps anyone who lies

The dad asks his son, where were you today ? And the son says, at school and the robot slaps him. Then the son says ok, ok, ok,... I was watching Kung Fu Panda . Then the robot slaps him again. So the sons says fine...I was hanging out with a girl. And the dad goes what? You're too young to hang out with girls I never hung out with girls at your age and the robot slaps him. Then the mom starts laughing and says well he is your son after all and the robot slaps her.

Is it okay to start drinking when the kids get to school

or does that make me a bad teacher?

A high school principal made an announcement at an assembly.

He said, "Boys and girls, the faculty have witnessed an alarming increase in public displays of affection, which are against school policy. Effective immediately, we will start issuing fines to those caught doing this. A first offense will be $5. A second offense will be $10. A third offense will be $20. So on and so forth."
Suddenly, a student in the crowd yelled, "How much for a season pass?"

Johnny learns fast…

Teacher: Why did you laugh?
Boy 1: I saw a strap of your bra.
Teacher: Please stay out of school for one week.
Boy 2 laughed…
Teacher: Why did you laugh?
Boy 2: I saw both your bra straps.
Teacher: Suspended from school for one month.
Teacher bent down to pickup a chalk. Little Johnny started walking out of the class…
Teacher: Why are you leaving?
Little Johnny: I think my school days are over.

Just a schoolgirl waiting for her dad…

While waiting for my dad, two of the school janitors came outside and started smoking a joint.
When my dad saw us, he ran into the cloud of smoke, grabbed me by the arm and shoved me into the car!
What's wrong with you? Why are you angry at ME? I protested. I didn't even do anything!
He glared at me in the rear view mirror. I will not have any daughter of mine wasting her time with high maintenance people!

Did you know that Brian May, the guitarist from British rockband Queen, has a PhD on Astrophysics?

Yeah, he started his schooling before Queen formed, and achieved his PhD in 2007. One of his dissertations is heavily criticized by the science community though, and it's because he has an odd theory of what causes the Earth's rotation.
You see, he thinks that 'Fat Bottomed Girls make the Rockin World go round.'

Elon Musk wants to start a university called the 'Texas Institute of Technology & Science and an affiliate called Austin School of Science

To be known as t**... and a**...

What do Hot cheetos and a Gun have in common?

Bring it to school and everyone starts acting like your best friend .

Two scientists walk into a bar

I'll have H20 says the 1st.
I'll have H20, too says the 2nd.
The bartender doesn't have a clue what they want because he flunked out of high school, and started working at a bar.

I ran into an old friend from school today who immediately starting bragging about his wonderful life.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, She's beautiful, isn't she?
I said, If you think she's beautiful, you should see my girlfriend.
He said, Why? is she good looking?
I said, No, she's a optician.

It was terrible, moaned John upon entering the classroom a half hour late.

I left with plenty of time to arrive at school on time, but it was so slippery that every step I took, I slipped two steps back.
Well, said the teacher, with a suspicious look on his face, how in the world did you get here at all?
Well, replied the student, finally after twenty minutes I gave up and started heading home!

I remember this one time in high school I pulled out my MP3 player and people started making fun off me for not having a smart phone

At least the quiet kid was there with a MP5

"Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a v**..."

"Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop"