School Jokes

funny jokes about school and hilarious stories

BEST SCHOOL JOKES

School jokes and pranks to have fun with friends and family. Top 10 jokes about School of all time along with the funniest school gags ever told.

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn't* something trying to kill you...
School is my answer

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My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.
Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

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As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn't* something trying to kill you...
School is my answer

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Virginity in school
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

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I never understood school shooting jokes
I guess they're aimed at a younger audience...

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TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

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What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school?
Oh, high marks.

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As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there "isn't" something trying to kill you....
"School" is my answer.

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When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...
...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

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A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference
For example:

Johnny ate his own lunch after school.

Johnny ate his own colon after school.

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LATEST SCHOOL JOKES

I was trying to form a club for eunuchs at my high school...
But there weren't enough members.

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Where do lawyers go to study comedy?
Lawl School!

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Im surprised they're still together after all this time.
Who?

My ass cheeks.

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Parents' Occupation!
The teacher in Little Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living.

"Mary, what does your parents do?"

Little Mary replied, "My dad is a lawyer and my mummy is a nurse.

"That's very nice," said the teacher. "Robert, what do your parents do?" Robert proudly exclaimed, "My dad is a policeman and my mom is a teacher!"

"That's very nice," said the teacher, "Johnny, what do your parents do?"

He stood up and pronounced, "My dad's dead and my mom's a hooker."

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. 15 minutes later, he returned.

"Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" asked the teacher.

Little Johnny replied, "Yes, he said that in our economy every job is important, gave me a chocolate and asked for my phone number."

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What do you call a black dinosaur? TYRONE-ASAURUS REX!
I made this joke up in like middle school I think.

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A Penis prank at school
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned around and scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class .

The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word "penis" again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, and each day the word was larger than the day before.

Finally, one day she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets ! "

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How little stefan got a brand new watch..
Little Stefan comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch. His best friend, little Jenny, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tell his story," I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent's bedroom.

I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn't tell the family. I asked for a new watch and here it is."

Jenny decides she wants one too, so night after night she listens outside her parents' bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough, eventually she hears some banging and groaning from the other side of the door.

She walks in and catches her parents in the act, so her dad offers her anything she wants to keep quiet about the whole affair. Jenny immediately says, "I want a watch."
The dad sighs and says, "Alright, but go and stand in the corner and don't make any noise . "

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Three young boys are walking home from school one day...
when they decide to stop and check out the new neighbors who moved in on their block. They walk over to the tall fence surrounding the yard and the first boy looks through a hole. He finds himself staring at a beautiful, naked, sunbathing woman. He wildly gestures for the second boy to look, and then the third boy. However, when the third boy looks through the hole, after a few seconds he screams, and runs down the street towards his house. The other two boys look at each other in bewilderment and go home very confused.

The next day, the boys stop by the house in hopes of seeing the same woman, and again find her sunbathing naked. Yet again, once the third boy looks through the hole he screams and runs down the street. The other two boys are still extremely confused as they walk home.

The following day, they stop by the house again, and lo and behold, the woman is out sunbathing naked again. When the third boy gets his turn and screams, the other two grab him and prevent him from running off.

The first boy says "Look! Every time you take a look at that lady, you scream and take off! What is wrong with you?!"

The third boy turns and replies "Well...my mom always told me that if I ever looked at a woman naked, I would turn to stone...and I felt a part of me getting reeeallly hard...."

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Did you like the movie yesterday? How is Jerry doing at school? It's a pity you broke up with Mark, he was OK.
"Do I know you?"

"I follow you on twitter."

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My high school maths teacher used to tell me that I didn't have a single intelligent hair on my head. I proved him totally wrong today! I got 140 on an IQ test....
...by cheating - I smuggled in my super-intelligent pet rabbit, hidden under my hat; he did the exam for me.

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Old joke, still funny
A genius senior in high school takes a chemistry test. He gets his score back and is shocked he missed exactly one question and thus would not be accepted to his university of choice. He is especially bummed because the question he missed was How many valence electrons does a Hydrogen atom have? In his haste to complete the test, he had answered 2.
Depressed and despairing, he takes a walk alone along a beach and is lost in thought when he trips on a metal object in the sand. Picking it up, he finds it to be a bronze oil lamp, and as his fingers brush the surface of the lamp, a genie suddenly appears. The genie thunders, I can grant you any one wish, but you must answer now. What do you desire? The student eyes light up and immediately replies, I wish I had gotten that question right, and the universe explodes.

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Little Johnny's peanut
Little Sally comes home from school one day and says to her mom, "Mommy, mommy, you won't believe it! Little Johnny pulled out his pee-pee in class today! It was like a peanut."

The mom replies, "Oh, it was small?"

Little Sally says, "No, it was salty."

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So I walked into the post office yesterday...
And I saw an old friend from high school! It had been over twenty years! She had her back turned to me and I was just excited! So I walked up to her and put my hand on her shoulder and when she turned around it wasn't her, so I said, "I'm sorry, you're not who I thought you were. You looked like Hellen Brown!" She said, "You oughta see me in my blue dress!"

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Slut does calculus
The school slut is sitting in calculus class next to one of her friends. The professor is explaining the notation dy/dx. The slut leans over to her friend and asks, "dy/dx? Is that anything like dv/da?"

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Why did the boy look at each and every one of the animal crackers?
Because his mother told him not to eat them if the "seal" was broken.

Credits to my school principal

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Can you spare just Β£2 for young Raj...
He is a 9 year old boy living in Iraq, he has just one leg, one arm and one eye. Each day he has to cycle 7 miles on a narrow road to school on a rusty bike with bent wheels, one pedal and no brakes. if you send just Β£2 we will send you the video, it is fucking hilarious!

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Rival School Prank
On the night before a rival football game several high school seniors abducted four cows from a local farmer. In red paint, they labeled each of the cows. On the first cow was the "#1", on the second was "#2", the third was "#3" and on the final cow they wrote the number "#5". The students then released the cows in various parts of their rival's school grounds. The next morning, the cows were found and quickly rounded up. The rival school then spent the entire day searching for cow #4.

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Blonde schoolgirl
Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day Jenny came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24

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Johnny's First Day of High School
Johnny's mother arrives at school to pick up Johnny from school. He gets into the car, drops his backpack on the floor and buckles his seat belt. His mother asks "How was your day, Johnny?" and he replies "Oh, jeeze mom, it was great! I came out top of the class in math, scored a touchdown in football, AND I had sex with the teacher!".

His mother is furious and as soon as they get home she screams at him to "Go upstairs and go straight to your room! I want you to stay there until your father gets home and I'll send him up to talk to you. I'm very disappointed in you."

A few hours later, Johnny's father arrives home and walks up the stairs. Johnny's ears perk up as he hears his father knock at the door and his dad opens the door and sets his briefcase down. "Johnny, your mother told me what you did today and I'd like you to know I'm damn proud to call you my son. You know that bike we were looking at in the store last week? Let's go out and get it right now to celebrate." Johnny replies "Awesome, that'd be great dad! The only problem is I don't think I'll be able to sit down for a couple of days."

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Three families live in an apartment building.
On the first floor is a Mexican family, the second a white family, the third a black family. Suddenly a tornado hits the apartment building. Which family survives? The white family, because the parents were at work and the kids were at school.

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SCHOOL JOKES THAT ARE...

School jokes can be funny or dirty, insulting of disgusting. Most of them are suitable for kids and family.

BEST SHORT JOKES

Short jokes about school, one liners, thoughts and captions that are funny and will make you laugh.

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn't* something trying to kill you...
School is my answer

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My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.
Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

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As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn't* something trying to kill you...
School is my answer

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I never understood school shooting jokes
I guess they're aimed at a younger audience...

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TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

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What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school?
Oh, high marks.

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As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there "isn't" something trying to kill you....
"School" is my answer.

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When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...
...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

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A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference
For example:

Johnny ate his own lunch after school.

Johnny ate his own colon after school.

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I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment
So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead

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BEST RACIST JOKES

Some of the best jokes about racism in schools and among kids and students.

Yesterday, I failed my biology exam.
The question was: "Name something commonly found in cells."
Apparently, Niggers wasn't the right answer.

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How did the black guy get his pilot's license?
He went to flight school, you racist bastards.

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School is like a boner, long and hard.
Unless you're Asian...

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Why do mexicans walk around the school like they own the place?
Cause there dad built it and there mom cleans it at night.

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A Mexican, a black boy, and a white boy, they are all in the first grade, which one has the biggest peter? The black boy because he's 17.

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A young Jewish Mom walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten.


"Behave, my bubaleh," she says.
"Take good care of yourself and think about your Mother, tataleh!"
"And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh."
"Your Mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!"
At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him.
"So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?"
The boy answers, "I learned my name is David."

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There is a 3 story apartment building with 1 apartment on each floor.


A white family lives on the top floor.
A mexican family lives on the second floor.
A nigger family lives on the botom floor.
At 2:00 PM in the afternoon a terrrible tornado hits the building, totally destroying it.
Which family lived?
The White family, because both parents were at work and the kids were in school.

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You know your f*cked when the Asian says, "shit", during the test.

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Funniest Racist jokes that you know?
I sit with my buddies after school and we pass time by telling each other jokes. Do you know any funny racist jokes that are not well known?

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There's this black kid that goes to school and realizes teachers treat him differently than the white kids.
So, he goes home, paints himself white and shows his dad.
His dad beats the crud outta him.
He shows his mother, "Hey Ma, Look! I'm white!"
He gets beat by his mom too.
Lastly, he shows his Grandmother, "Grandma, Look! I'm white!
She beats him badly with her cane and sends him to his room.
Later, his dad comes into his room and asks, "Son, did you learn anything out of this?"
And the boy replies, "Duh! I've only been white for an hour and I already hate three niggers!"

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BEST DISGUSTING JOKES

Trully disguisting jokes about school.

What did the tampon say to the other tampon in school?
I'll see you next period.

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An Ohio State University mortician student walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table.
Confident that he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his instructor, he began to examine the body.
When he rolled it over, he was shocked to see a cork in the man's butt.
Mystified, he pulled it out and immediately heard the University of Michigan fight song come out of the guy's butt.
Shaken by what had happened, he quickly shoved the cork back into it's original resting place.
He then ran to get his instructor, nervously shouting, "Sir, you must come, you won't believe what I discovered!"
Annoyed by the interruption, the professor said, "Let's take a look at this astounding discovery."
When they entered the morgue, the teacher was also surprised to see the cork, so he approached the table and promptly removed the cork.
Upon hearing the University of Michigan fight song, he quickly replaced the cork in the cadaver's butt and said, "What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of assholes sing that song!"

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Joke
WHAT'S GREEN AND SMELLS LIKE PORK?
-- Kermit's fingers

Disgusting but made me giggle like a school girl bitch

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Malcolm: Miss Wilson can I go to the loo?
Miss Wilson: In two minutes Malcolm.

Do your alphabet first.
Malcolm: Ok Miss Wilson. abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz.
Miss Wilson: Very good, Malcolm, but where's the p?
Malcolm: Miss, it's running down my leg!

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BEST STUPID JOKES

School jokes that are nothing less than stupid.

Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?

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A lecturer who was drunk walked in a class.


Ater few minutes he wanted to urinate, he ran out and open a zip slowly, so that he may urinate.
After urinating, that's when he realized that the zip he opened was for a jacket.

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Idiot college called, they want there mascot back.

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One day, Little Johnny was with his father at home.


He asked: "What does "evolution" mean?"
His father replied, "Figure it out."
Next day, at school, during a math test, a boy raised his hand: "What's 289+308?"
The teacher said: "Figure it out."
Ten minutes later, Little Johnny looked at the boy and said: "Why don't you write "evolution"? Your teacher already told you!"

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What is the difference between a teacher and a train? One says, "

Spit out your gum," and the other says, "Choo choo choo!"

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A teacher asked a student to write 55.


Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
Teacher: What are you waiting for?
Student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!

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My doctor wants to have me tested for lupus which is ridiculous, as I've never even seen a werewolf.

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Yo mama so dumb,when she got an "F" on her test, she thought it mean Fantastic!

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Teacher: "Where was the Constitution of India signed?"
Student: "At the bottom of the page!"

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Yo mama is so stupid that when a teacher told the class nobody is perfect, he replied, "

I want to become nobody!"

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WHAT ARE SCHOOL JOKES ABOUT?

School is if great topic to laugh at. Some of the funniest jokes ever are about school.

Are School jokes funny? For sure! There is no such thing as boring school joke here. All jokes are funny in their own way. You can also read school jokes images on Pinterest or watch videos with school jokes on YouTube.

TOP TEACHER JOKES THAT ARE SCHOOL

Funny jokes about school teachers, some of which Q&A, some are long stories, some clean.

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...
...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

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I got a phone call from my son's school today
Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That's..

Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet

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An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"
**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

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Why did Jimmy bring his cat to school?
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

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"How long should my essay be?"
Back in high school I was in an english class and a fellow student asked the teacher how long our essays should be.

He responded saying, "As long as a girl's skirt: long enough to cover everything that needs to be covered, but short enough to keep me interested."

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A little boy goes to school with a sport bag
The teacher asks what is in it. The little boy answers:
- It's my cat. When I left home, my dad said to my mum:"As soon as our son is gone, I'm gonna eat your pussy"

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A Sunday School Teacher . . .
A Sunday School Teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "Honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

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For weeks, Tommy was telling his kindergarten teacher about the baby sister who was going to be coming to his house soon.
One day at home, Tommy's mother let him feel the baby kicking. Tommy didn't say anything, and he stopped talking about the baby at school. Finally the teacher sat Tommy down and said, "Whatever happened to your new baby sister?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think my mummy ate her!"

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Horse and Buggy Joke
Little Johnny got dropped off at school late one day in the early 1900's. The teacher asked why he was late and Johnny explained:

"There was a horse and buggy accident, the buggy got jammed in the horse's ass!"

"Rectum!" Exclaimed the teacher.

"Sure did." replied Johnny.

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Good Kid!
A father had a rather dim-witted son. One day, the son came home from school. His father asked him, "How was school, son?" His son replied, "Great dad! My teacher asked a question, and only I could answer!" His father was overjoyed. He probed, "Good kid! What was the question?"

His son replied, "She asked, 'Who farted?' "

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A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?"

The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

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An International School Teacher
...starts a lesson with her 4 students, who are an American kid, an African kid, a European kid and a Chinese kid. She asks "what's your opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"
first, the African kid asks "what's food?"
the European kid asks "what's scarcity?"
the American kid asks "what's other countries?"
and finally the Chinese kid asks "what's my own opinion?"

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What's the difference between a school teacher and a train?
A school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, a train says choo choo.

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Cultural Diversity--True Story
When I was six I learned about Hanukkah in school. My teacher told me, "Christians celebrate Christmas, and Jews celebrate Hanukkah."

That night I was waiting in line at Hometown Buffet with my family and asked Mom why the restaurant would be closed for Christmas.

"It's so that the people who work here can spend Christmas with their families." She said.

In a loud, excited voice I piped up, "BUT COULDN'T THEY GET SOME JEWS TO WORK HERE?"

We never went back.

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Little Jimmy goes to school
His teacher asks him "Why weren't you in school yesterday Jimmy?"

He says "Sorry, my Granddad got burnt."

"Oh" she says "Was he badly burnt?"

Jimmy replied "Well they normally do a good job at the crematorium"

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A teacher I had in high school told me this one. It may better when told out loud rather than read, but it's still funny.
A guy wearing nothing but plastic wrap walks into a psychiatrist's office.

The psychiatrist looks at the man and says,

"Well, I can clearly see your nuts"

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Lifesavers
A elementary school teacher is teaching her students about the 5 senses. For taste, she gives them each lifesavers. The kids guess what flavor they are. They go through cherry, grape, and apple. The last one the teacher gives out is honey flavored. None of the kids can guess the flavor. Trying to give them a hint, the teacher says "it's something your mother probably calls your father". suddenly a little girl spits out her lifesaver and calls out "EWWWW THEY'RE ASSHOLES"

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Timmy brings his cat to school
The teacher asks Timmy "why is your cat at school today?" Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' so I'm saving him!"

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A Child Didn't Attend School
Late afternoon, the grandma saw the teacher walking up their driveway. She asked her grandson, "Did you leave school early today?" He hung his head and admitted, "Yes Grandma." The grandma thought it was hilarious and assured him saying she would tell the teacher that she hadn't seen him all day. "Maybe you should go hide," she suggested. "Oh no, Grandma. *You* should hide, not me!" Surprised, she asked why. The grandson said, "I told the teacher you died!"

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I was fired from work at school...
So, due to a minor defect at birth, I was born with Strabismus, and up until last Friday, I was happy performing my duties as a teacher.


Unfortunately, I was fired. My boss told me he couldn't have a teacher in his school that couldn't control his pupils.

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A 90 year old man in Amsterdam goes into a language school, because he wants to learn Hebrew.
Says the teacher: β€žYou are 90 years old. Isn't that a little bit late to start learning Hebrew? The old man answers: β€ž Well, when I meet my maker I want to talk to him in the language of the old testament. The teacher: β€žOk, but what if you end up in hell? - The old one: β€žMh, everybody knows a word or two in German, right?

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my pre school guitar teacher...
got in trouble for fingering A minor, but he wasn't as bad as bad as my pre school violin teacher...he fiddled with kids... but both were not nearly as bad as my pre school piano teacher....who raped me in the mouth

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Boy should start having sex.
Son, a boy your age should start having sex. I want you to give it a try. Find someone at school and just go for it.

The next day:
Dad, dad, I fucked my teacher!
That's great son, but can you do it again?

Sure I can. And he does, again and again.
This goes on for the entire week.

On Friday Dad comes home with a gift. Son, I'm so proud of you that I bought you a new bike. Let's go for a ride.
I can't dad, my butt's too sore.

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Little Johnny's Classic Summer Story
On the first day of school, the teacher goes around the class asking the kids what they did that summer.

Teacher: "Johnny, what did you do?"

Johnny: "Well my dad got in a car accident, and a piece of metal went right up his ass!"

Teacher: "Johnny! We don't use that word in here, we say 'rectum.'"

Johnny: "Wrecked 'im? Damn near killed 'im!"

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It was career day in Elm Park Elementary School...
and each student had to write about their dad's profession. Ruby wrote about her dad being a doctor and David wrote about his dad being a construction work.

When the teacher asked Johnny he said, "My dad is a pimp and a drug fiend."

"What?!?! Johnny, be honest. I know that's not what your dad does!"

"You're really gonna make me to tell the entire class that my dad is a banker?!"

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Little kid in sunday school
the teacher is asking the 5 year olds questions, and asks one specific question to little Suzie; "And why is it important for us to be quiet when we're listening to the sermon, Suzie?" To which she replied, "because the old people are sleeping."

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My son got sent home from school today for chewing gum in class.
I had to phone the teacher and explain to her that he's only trying to give up smoking.

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Important Punctuation
So little Timmy is at school and for show and tell, he drew a dot on the board.

The teacher asks him, what's that?

Timmy then replies, it's a period!

Teacher, what's so special about it that you brought it in for show and tell?

Timmy, I don't know, but this morning, my sister said she missed hers. Mommy fainted, Daddy got a heart attack, and the man next door shot himself in the head.

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Broken Promises
While my son was at the school yesterday he was acting up. The teacher called on him and asked, "Do you remember what you promised me?" The boy said, "Yes, that I wouldn't misbehave anymore." Then the teacher asked, "And do you remember what I promised you?" The boy responded, "Yes, that if I misbehaved again I'd be sent to the principals office, but since I broke my promise it's ok if you do too."

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A pony recently got to work as a teacher,
But 1 day before school starts he got a cold. Naturally he couldn't talk as loud as usual so the next day he comes into the class and says: "Good morning! Sorry if I'm being a bit quiet, I'm just a little horse."

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Two 14-year-old Muslim boys have been suspended from school in Accrington for refusing to shave off their beards.
The head teacher said, "We will not tolerate a school environment where it's impossible to tell the boys from the girls."

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A teacher at an international school...
asks her class what their opinion is on giving food to people in other countries.
The Jewish kid asks "What is giving?"
The African kid asks "What is food?"
The Chinese kid asks "What is my opinion?"
And the American kid asks "What are other countries?"

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You guys got any good old jokes (example inside)
Example: Did you go to school by horse?

I like to mess with my tennis teacher, he is over 50 and he gives it right back to me by how bad i play.

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Fred and John...
Fred and John are in bible school the teacher asks, "who created the world" John raises his hand and is called on, Fred pokes him with a pencil right as he is answering. John says "My God" and the teacher replies "correct", he then asks "what did Eve say after she had her 3rd baby?", John raises his hand again and is called on. As he is answering he is poked again with the the pencil, he says "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm gonna break it!"

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I have a crush on my teacher AND on the girl sitting next to me
It's getting so bad, I may fail out of home school.

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Why did the Mexican school girl get pregnant?
Here teacher said to go home and do her "essay".

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Sunday school teacher asks Johnny, "

Come now, Little Johnny, tell me the truth, do you say your prayers before eating?"
Little Johnny smiles proudly, "No Miss, there's no need, my mom cooks really well."

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Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.


One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: who just threw that?!
Boy: Me! I’m going home now.

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The teacher had given the class an assignment.


He stressed the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses would be accepted except illness or a death in the immediate family.
A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

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Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes.


After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down.
Then she said, "First Question was which tire was flat?"

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One day, Bob came home from school very happy and that got his mother suspicious;

"What’s the matter Bob? How come you’re that happy?"
"You can’t even imagine-..! Today at school, I planted a bomb on the teacher’s chair and we all laughed sooo hard!"
The mother upset: "Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? Don’t you know that you’re going to be suspended? How you think you’re gonna show up in the school again tomorrow?"
And Bob, with a stupid smile on his face: "School? What school?"

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When I graduated from highschool, I was so poor and couldn't afford college.


So my parents sent me to dog training school.
I learned a lot when I was there.
Sit, stay, roll over.
I haven't quite got the fetching part down.
They say I'm a little rough around the edges.

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Little Johnny asks the teacher, "

Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven't done?"
Mrs Roberts is shocked, "Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair!"
Little Johnny is relieved, "OK Mrs Roberts, sorry, I haven't done my homework."

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Little Johnny was walking down the hallway at school.


When he reaches his classroom he looks inside and sees a sub instead of his regular teacher.
Johnny sits down and the teacher says, β€œNow students, my name is Ms. Prussy. Not the other word, this word has an r after the first letter.” Johnny started laughing.
An hour later he forgot her name and said, β€œYour name has an r after the first letter is it Ms. Crunt?”

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Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.


Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.
β€œWait a minute,” she said. β€œI had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.”

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Teacher: Be sure that you go straight home
Student: I can't, I live just round the corner!

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It's All About Marketing...;)
A substitute teacher walks into the classroom on the blackboard she sees a message. It says, "Little Johhny, has got the biggest tool, in the whole damn school!"

She yells, "Whose Little Johhny?"

A kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Little Johhny."

"Well, Johhny, your staying after school!"

The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up at the blackboard and written on it, it says, "PAYS to ADVERTISE."

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My Mom is Catholic and my dad is Jewish.
Which means I was snipped *and* dipped.

They put me in a Jewish pre school so I thought I was Jewish.

Then they turn around and put me in Catholic Sunday school.

This was confusing for a little kid.

I told the Sunday school teacher,

Teacher bear with me, up until last week I thought I was Jewish...

In other words, I am Jew - *ish*...

God Bless!

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Early one morning a mother went to wake up her son.


"Wake up, son.
It's time to go to school!"
"Buy why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I *should* go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"

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English Class Teacher: "One day we will be corruption free. Which tense is it?"
Student: "Future impossible tense."

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"Dad, I don't want to go to school today.

" said the boy.
"Why not, son?"
"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."
"But why don't you want to go today?"
"Because our English teacher died yesterday!"

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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.


Trying to make the matter clearer, he said:
β€œNow, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face.”
β€œYes, sir,” the boys said.
β€œThen why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”
A little fellow shouted, β€œβ€˜It’s because yer feet ain’t empty.”

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Maths teacher: "If you have 12 chocolates and you give
5 to Priya,
3 to Sonia and
2 to Penny then what will you get?"
"3 new Girlfriends!"

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Teacher: "I will call your parents!"
Elementary student: "No! I’ll be a good boy!"
Junior High School Student: "Pffff… Anyway…"
High School Student: "Send my mother my greetings!"

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A mom calls out to her son "Harry! Wake up! You'll be late for school.

"
The son replies, "Mom I don't want to go to school!
The teachers and students hate me!
Give me one reason I should go!"
The mom says back, "You should go because you're the principal!"

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Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbour?
Pupil: Because it can’t sit down!
An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren’t the best teacher in the school
Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4?
Pupil: That’s not fair!
You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!

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A little boy was so exited because his mom told him he is getting a baby brother.


He repeated that to his techer every day, when he came to school, "Im getting a brother."
One day his mom alllowed him to feel the baby's kicks in her belly.
The next day he came to school and didnt say anything to his teacher, so the teacher asked him, what happend to his brother.
He replyed, "I think mommy ate him."

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Chuck Norris's 1st Grade teacher asked him how many stars there were on the American Flag.


Chuck Norris replied "Yes." and was correct.

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Teacher:Maria please point to America on the map.


Maria:This is it.
Teacher:Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class:Maria did.

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A teacher asked a student to write 55.


Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
Teacher: What are you waiting for?
Student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!

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Bad Science Joke
A high school science teacher is ordering supplies for his class online, but he can't find one particular compound. So he calls the store. "Excuse me sir," says he, "But do you by chance carry Sodium Bromate?" The store owner replies, "Na-BrO"

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What is a teacher's favorite kind of music?
Class-ical.

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Little Jimmy was crying at school
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

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The Sunday School Teacher asks, β€œNow, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”
β€œNo sir,” Little Johnny replies, β€œI don’t have to, my mom is a good cook!”

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Teacher: If a lion is chasing you, whatΒ would youΒ do?
Christy: I'd climb a tree.


Teacher: if the lion climbs a tree?
Christy: I will jump in the lake and swim.
Teacher: if the lion also jumps in theΒ water andΒ swims after you?
Christy: Teacher, are you on my side orΒ on theΒ lion's?

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Why was the cannibal expelled from school?
Because he kept buttering up the teacher.

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Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school.


Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Nina’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."

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What happened when the black man went to night school?
The teacher marked him absent.

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Teachers pet
It was the end of the school year, and the pupils were giving gifts to their teachers. The teacher knew the jobs of all the kids' parents, so she said she'd guess what they'd all got her. When the florist's daughter gave her a box, she sniffed it and said, "Are they flowers?" The little girl said, "How did you know?" When the newsagents son gave her a box, she shook it and said, "Sweeties?" The boy said "How did you know?" Finally, the off-licence owners son approached with a leaking box. The teacher tasted the drips with her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. The little boy shook his head. "Vodka?", she asked, licking it again. "No Miss", the boy smiled, "it's a puppy".

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In high school, teachers had to raise up their hand to speak to Chuck Norris.

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Johnny steals a pencil
Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher saying that he stole a pencil from his classmate. His father is furious.

"Johnny, you never never never never steal a pencil from a classmate. This is unacceptable. I can't believe you did this. You're grounded for two weeks. And besides, you know that if you ever need a pencil, you can just say something. You can just mention it and I'll bring you dozens of pencils from the office."


-From a lecture by economist Dan Ariely

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There's an "r"
Little Johnny walks into school oneday to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.
She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r " afterthe first letter. "
The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy. "
A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.
Johnny thinks hard and the says tothe teacher, "I remember it has an"r " after the first letter. "That's right! " she coaxed.
Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt? "

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Registration on the first day back at school in Birmingham, ENGLAND.
*Registration on the first day back at school in Birmingham, ENGLAND.
The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:*

"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?" "Here"

"Achmed El Kabul?" "Here"

"Fatima Al Hayek? " "Here"

"Ali Abdul Olmi?" "Here"

"Mohammed Bin Kadir?" "Here"

"Ali Son al En β€” *silence in the classroom.*

"Ali Son al En" β€” *continued silence as everyone looked around the room.*

*The teacher repeated the call.*
*A girl stood up and said*: "Sorry teacher. I think that's me. It's pronounced Alison Allen."

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A little Polish Boy comes home from school
and says to his mother,"Today the teacher asked a question and I was the only one who knew the answer". The proud mother said,"That's great son. What was the question". The little Polish boy says,"Who farted?"
and then he says to his father,"Daddy, daddy, today I had my first blow job." The father says,"That's great. How was it." The boy says,"Well the taste was terrible"

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Having sex with the teacher
Little johnny comes home from school on a friday afternoon and tells his mom he had sex with the teacher. Johnny's mom was very upset with him and sent him to his room with the warning his father would be home soon to discipline him. Johnny's father walks into his room and closes the door behind him. He says " Johnny, don't tell your mother this but I am VERY proud of you, you're just like your old man! First thing tomorrow morning we are going to the store so I can buy you a brand new bicycle" The following morning johnny and his father go to the store and buy a brand new bike. Johnny's father says " Go ahead son, you can ride your bike home I'll be alright walking by myself." Johnny refused to ride the bike and insisted on walking home with his father. Johnny's dad started to get upset thinking his son was ungrateful for the new bike he just bought him. He finally questioned johnny about why he didn't want to ride his bike home and he replied,

"My ass is still sore from having sex with the teacher"

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Superman grandpa
On the first day of school the teacher asks the children to go home and ask for a family history story that has a morale in it. So one child comes to school the next day and tells the teacher this: you see, my grandpa was a bomber pilot. His plane was shot and he had to bail out. On his body was an empty bottle of whiskey, a knife and a gun. When he landed there were 20 enemy guards waiting for him. He killed fifteen men with the gun. Until it ran out of bullets. Killed 3 guys with his knife until the blade broke off, then killed the last 2 with his bare hands. Then the teacher reply's that was a very violent story and what was the morale?

Stay away from grandpa when he's drunk.

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Little Johnny
Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher saying he was having trouble telling the difference between boys and girls, and asked for his mother to have a talk with him.

So his mother takes him quietly by the hand, upstairs to the bedroom. "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse" she said to Johnny. So he unbuttons the blouse and takes it off. "Now, take off my skirt", and he takes off her skirt. "Now, take off my bra and panties."

Johnny finishes removing them and his mother says "Johnny, please don't wear my clothes to school anymore."

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Mary is sitting in Sunday school...
She had a long night, so she was dozing off. The teacher asks "Who is the creator of the world and all its creatures?"

A kid sitting behind Mary starts poking her with a pencil. She wakes up and turns around and yells "My GOD!"

The teacher says she is correct and Mary dozes off again. The teacher proceeds to ask the class "Who is the son of God?"

The kid pokes Mary again with a pencil, she again wakes up, turns around and yells "JESUS CHRIST!"

The teacher tells her she is correct and Mary dozes off yet again. Later The teacher then asks the class "What did Eve say to Adam after they had they're 13th child?"

Once again the kid pokes Mary with his pencil. She wakes up, turns around, and yells "IF YOU POKE ME WITH THAT THING ONE MORE TIME I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!"

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3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven...
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are talking about you, what would you like them to say?

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!

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The principal of a school stops by a teacher's room...
and tells her, "I'm sorry for not telling you sooner, you're going to have three new students today, from out in the country."
The teacher prepares three new desks, and waits all morning, but no new students show up. That is, until one boy in a pair of overalls runs in at about 10:00 a.m. and says, "Sorry Miss Teacher, ma'am. I was on the top of Blueberry Hill till just now, and then I see the time and come a-runnin!"
The teacher excuses his tardiness. At 11:00 a.m, another boy in overalls runs into the room and says, "Sorry ma'am, I was on Blueberry Hill, then I see the time and come a-runnin!"
The teacher excuses his tardiness. At noon, a girl in overalls comes running into the room. The teacher says, "Hello, am I to assume that you were on Blueberry Hill as well?" The girl replies, "No ma'am, I AM Blueberry Hill."

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Another Soviet Joke
In a small town outside Moscow a very proud primary school teacher began the Monday the same was she began every monday: by asking the students what they did to help their fellow comrads in the glorious Soviet Union. She turned to Illya Ivanovich.

"Illya Ivanovich, what did you do today to help the Collective?"

Illya thought a moment and replied, "Well, Katerina Maximovna, I helped an old woman cross the street."

"Wonderful," his teacher replied, "you truly helped your country. And you, Alexander Michaelovich, what did you do this weekend to help the Collective?"

"Well, you see Katerina Maximovna, I was helping Illya to help the old lady cross the street."

"OK. Good work. You certainly helped your nation and your fellow comrads." Katerina then looked at Dimitri Fyodorovich.

"And you, Dimitri Fyodorovich. What did you do this weekend to benefit the Collective?"

Dimitri thought for a moment, and then said, "Katerina Maximovna, you see, I was also helping Alexander and Illya to help the old woman across the street."

Katerina Maximovna paused a moment, and then with a confused look she said, "OK, Dimitri Fyodorovich, it is always good to help others. But I am confused. Why did it take three strong young boys to help one old babushka across the street?"

Dimitri thought for a moment and answered, "Well, you see, she didn't want to cross."

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A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."
"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?"

"Not yet."


"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."

"Why?" asks the father.

"Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on.... my cock??'"

"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."

The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet."

"Don't bother, I got expelled."

Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"

"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."

"The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

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a student and the head teacher in a school...
**\*Set the scene:** Recently a school in a small village has been vandalised, this is a big deal as the village is so small and everyone knows each other... the vandal as yet to be caught & a warrant has been put out for his/ her arrest...

**Student:** Have you heard about the vandalism that has just took place in the school Sir?

**Head teacher:** Yea (he replies) what an awful thing to do!

**Student:** I think I know who's done it!

**Head teacher:** Who!?

**Student:** Joe

**Head teacher:** Joe who?

**Student:** Joe mama!!!

\*\*the student gets expelled\*\*

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A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.

The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.

The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.

The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."

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Teacher: "Don't forget to check the Internet if you have trouble with your homework questions."
Pupil: "It's not the questions I have trouble with, it's the answers."

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Where is Jesus?
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students
might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas
season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that
the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he
asked his class, Where is Jesus today?

Steven raised his hand and said, He's in heaven.

Mary was called on and answered, He's in my heart.

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, I know! I know! He's
in our bathroom!!!

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a
response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.
He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, Well…every morning, my father gets up, bangs on
the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!

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Once little Johnny comes home from school.
Once little Johnny comes home from school. He asks his dad 'is hell a bad word', his dad replies 'yes son hell is a very bad word never use that word' after convincing his son to never use that word, little Johnny asks 'is Hello a bad word', the father goes on and explains how 'hell' and 'hello' are 2 completely diffrent things.

The next day at school Johnny's dad gets a call from the teacher telling him that he needs to come down to the school 'RIGHT NOW' because Johnny wont stop saying 'shitto'

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"Well, children," said the cannibal cooking teacher.
"What did you make of the new English teacher?"
"Burgers, ma'am."

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Chuck Norris didn't go to school to learn, he went to teach.

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One day, a young boy was asked by his teacher to tell him what the chemical formula for water was.


The boy replied with "H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O".
The Teacher was stunned. "That's not right, how did you come up with that?"
The boy said, "Last week you said it was H2O!"

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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
β€œJust think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
β€˜There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or β€˜That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’”
A small voice from the back of the room rang out,
β€œAnd there’s the teacher; she’s still old, nasty, and wrinkled”

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A little girl came home from school and said to her mother,
β€œMommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.
β€œThe mother exclaimed, β€œBut that’s terrible!
I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”
The little girl replied, β€œMy homework.”

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This guy went to school and he asked
"May I use the bathroom?"
The teacher replied, " no not unless you say your abc's."
The guy said "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z."
The teacher asked "Where's the p?
He replied, " running down my leg!"

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A student went to class late, so the teacher asked him, "Why are you late?"
He told her, "I was dreaming of a Manchester United football match."
But that did not make any sense for the teacher so she ask, "Still why are you late?"
He answered, "Because there was extra time."

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One day in class, the teacher says:
"Joe, 'I read, you read' what tense is that?"
"Simple Lost tense!"

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After Sunday school, the teacher released the kids to go to church and reminded them, "

You all know to be very nice and quiet in the church. And why is that?"Β 
Little Johnny offers, "Miss, it's so we wouldn't wake all those people sleeping."

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When I was young I had my first induction day in IT we were making an animation on scratch me and my friend decided to go on our phones.
The teacher came over and asked, "what we were doing on our phones."
I had to think fast so I said "we were researching something" she said that was alright.
Still, to this day I wonder why she didn't notice that we had computers in front of us that had the school wifi.

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Yo mama is so stupid that when a teacher told the class nobody is perfect, he replied, "

I want to become nobody!"

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Little Johnny was at school one day when the teacher asked the kids if they could use the word definitely in a sentence.
Well the first little girl raised her hand and said, "Well the trees are definitely green."
The teacher said "No not really because the trees turn yellow red and brown in the fall."
The next little boy raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher said, "No not really because the sky can be all different colors."
From the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand and asked, "Do farts have lumps?"
The teacher said, "No Johnny of course not, that’s silly."
Then Johnny said, "Well then I definitely shit my pants!"

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Penis School
On an ordinary day, a penis went to school. The teacher penis asked, "Whats two plus two?" The penis replied, "Is it four?" Then the teacher penis said, "Yes! Thats cor-erect!"

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TOP LITTLE JOHNNY JOKES THAT ARE SCHOOL

Funniest Little Johnny at school jokes. Little Johnny's experiences in school with food, teachers, cops, dad, other students or animals.

Little Mary came back home after school and said,
"Mommy, today during the school break Johnny kissed me on my lips!"
The mother asked indignantly but in surprise,
"And how did this happen?"
"It was not easy, but three of my classmates helped me to hold him firm."

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Little Johnny comes home from school, and his mom asks: "

Johnny, how did it go with your exam? Was written or oral?"
And Johnny says: "Mom, I think it was anal... 'Cuz it went like shit!"

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Johnny comes back home from school and tells his father, "Dad, tomorrow you are invited to a special parent meetings at school."
"How much special?"
"Well, just me, you, the director and two investigators from the FBI."

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Sunday school teacher asks Johnny, "

Come now, Little Johnny, tell me the truth, do you say your prayers before eating?"
Little Johnny smiles proudly, "No Miss, there's no need, my mom cooks really well."

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Little Johnny comes home and tells his daddy, "

Dad, tomorrow there's a special 'Adults' evening' at school.
Daddy is surprised, "Really? Special?"
"Yes," nods Johnny, "it will be just you, the teacher, the headmaster and two police officers."

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Little Johnny was walking down the hallway at school.


When he reaches his classroom he looks inside and sees a sub instead of his regular teacher.
Johnny sits down and the teacher says, β€œNow students, my name is Ms. Prussy. Not the other word, this word has an r after the first letter.” Johnny started laughing.
An hour later he forgot her name and said, β€œYour name has an r after the first letter is it Ms. Crunt?”

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Today in lesson Little Jonny went to the back of the room and Miss McRacen went "

Not in the back."
Jonny: "That's what she said."
Miss: "Get out!"
Jonny "She said that too."

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Little Johnny took sex ed and every day when little Johnny would come in from school he'll tell his dad for learning sex ed well one day we'll just come in and he said that I got thrown out sex ed Lil Johnny's daddy says how do you get thrown out sex ed Little Johnny said well Dad I got in trouble for eating during class.

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Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.


Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.
β€œWait a minute,” she said. β€œI had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.”

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Little Johnny asks the teacher, "

Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven't done?"
Mrs Roberts is shocked, "Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair!"
Little Johnny is relieved, "OK Mrs Roberts, sorry, I haven't done my homework."

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Early one morning a mother went to wake up her son.


"Wake up, son.
It's time to go to school!"
"Buy why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I *should* go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"

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One day, Little Johnny was with his father at home.


He asked: "What does "evolution" mean?"
His father replied, "Figure it out."
Next day, at school, during a math test, a boy raised his hand: "What's 289+308?"
The teacher said: "Figure it out."
Ten minutes later, Little Johnny looked at the boy and said: "Why don't you write "evolution"? Your teacher already told you!"

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Johnny comes home from school and asks his mom what is a "

period".
His mom says that "A period is when a woman needs to realease her dead egg cells".
Johnny asks what color is it.
She says it's red.
Johnny said "I have one of those but mine is white and it makes babies."

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Little Johnny came home after school:
"Daddy, I have a bad grade in English language.

"
"Why?" asked his father.
"Well, the teacher asked us the following question: "Mary entered the forest with John and came out of the forest with Mike. What is Mary?"
"How come what Mary is? A whore, of course," said the father.
"That's what I said, but the teacher answered Mary was a subject."

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Little Johnny's father farted.
The son asked his father: "What was that?"
His father said: "My sweet that is 'north wind'"
When he went to school the teacher asked the class: "Who knows the direction of the north wind?
Little Johnny shouted: "My daddy's ass!"

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β€žAnd, Johnny? How did your school report turn out?"

asks mother.
β€žCome on mom, the most important thing is that I'm healthy!"

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The Sunday School Teacher asks, β€œNow, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”
β€œNo sir,” Little Johnny replies, β€œI don’t have to, my mom is a good cook!”

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Little Johnny was always late for school.


When asked why he said he had to eat his popsicle.
Without thinking the teacher told him to eat half his popsicle and save the other half in his pocket.
Next day Johnny was on time.
The teacher had history class.
"What are the people in Asia called", she asked a student.
"Asians", said the student.
"What are the people in Africa called".
"Africans" said the student.
Then she asked Johnny, "What are the people in Europe called", but Johnny didn't know so the girl behind him whispered, "Euro pean."
To that Johnny said, "No I'm not, that's just my popsicle."

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Teacher: "Why did youΒ laugh?"
Boy: "I saw a strap of yourΒ bra."
Teacher: "Get out! Don'tΒ come to class for the nextΒ 1 week. Another boyΒ laughs..."
Teacher: "Why did youΒ laugh?"
Boy: "I saw both straps ofΒ your bra."
Teacher: "Get out! Don'tΒ come to class for next 1Β month."
The teacher bendsΒ to pick a chalk and littleΒ Johnny starts walking outΒ of the class.
Teacher: "Why are youΒ going out?"
Johnny: "With what I saw IΒ think my school days areΒ over."

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A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

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Little Johnny was at school one day when the teacher asked the kids if they could use the word definitely in a sentence.
Well the first little girl raised her hand and said, "Well the trees are definitely green."
The teacher said "No not really because the trees turn yellow red and brown in the fall."
The next little boy raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher said, "No not really because the sky can be all different colors."
From the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand and asked, "Do farts have lumps?"
The teacher said, "No Johnny of course not, that’s silly."
Then Johnny said, "Well then I definitely shit my pants!"

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At school, a soldier spoke to Johnny'

s class.
Johnny felt enthusiastic about joining the military, so he went home and told his dad.
To his surprise, this was the biggest step forward in his life, so his dad decided to explain the military to him.
"Son, I'll teach you what you need to know about the military.
The Army and Navy are the only two REAL branches of our military.
The Marine Corps is a cult.
The Coast Guard is playing a game called 'Pretend Navy Since 1915'."

So Johnny asks his dad, "what about the Air Force?"
Johnny's dad explained to him, "well son, the Air Force is like a giant corporation.
Just a bunch of people sitting at desks playing Flight Simulator and bullshitting with each other."

By that time, Johnny was amazed and decided he wanted to join the military, but wanted to know what his daddy did.
"What did you do in the military, dad?"
"Well son, I spoke Chinese and shot at the Americans in Vietnam."

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Little Johnny in Math Class.
One day little Johnny was sitting in math class.
The teacher asked him, "there are 3 crows on a fence the farmer shoots one how many are left?"
Little Johnny replied "none."
Confused the teacher asked again.
"Johnny, there are 3 crows on the fence the farmer shoots 1 how many are left?"
Johnny replies "0."
Teacher says, "ok Little Johnny how are you getting this."
Little Johnny replies, "if 1 crow dies then the other two fly away, 0 crows left."
Teacher says "that's not the correct answer but I like the way your thinking."
Little Johnny replies, "ok teach, there 3 girls in an ice-cream parlor.
One is sucking the cone, one is licking the cone, and the other is biting the cone, which one is married?"
The teacher replies, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
Little Johnny says, "no bitch it's the one with the ring on her finger but, I like the way your thinking."

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After Sunday school, the teacher released the kids to go to church and reminded them, "

You all know to be very nice and quiet in the church. And why is that?"Β 
Little Johnny offers, "Miss, it's so we wouldn't wake all those people sleeping."

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A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.
So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He’s in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He’s in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.
He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well… every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"

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At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach the topic of sex education and asked her students if they'd ever seen anything that was related to sex education on TV.
Mary raised her hand and said she had seen a movie about women having babies.
"Great," said the teacher, "that's very important."
Then Judy raised her hand and told the teacher she had seen a TV show about people getting married.
"Well, that has to do with it too," said the teacher.
Then Johnny raised his hand and said he had seen a western where some Indians came riding over the hill and John Wayne shot them all.
The teacher said, "Well, Johnny, that really doesn't have anything to do with sex education."
"Yes it does," said Johnny, " it taught those Indians not to f**k with John Wayne."

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Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.
The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations.
The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever.
The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late.
Johnny says, "I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn't clean it and freeze it, my mom would've been angry. That's why I'm so late".
The teacher promptly takes him to the principal's office and explains the story to the principal.
The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day.
He says, "I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?"
Johnny replies, "Oh yeah, that's my dog Sparky. That's his third bear this week."

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Little Johnny was at school one day, when he noticed that there was a large crowd of kids gathered around Little Billy.
Little Johnny walks up to Little Billy and says "Hey what's all the excitement about",
Little Billy says "Just showing everyone my new watch".
Little Johnny goes "Wow, that's a cool watch where did you get it?"
Little Billy says "Well, I walked in on my mom and dad having sex over the weekend, and my dad was so mad he gave me spanking and sent me to my room".
The next day, he feel guilty about what he had done and went and bought me this cool Watch.
This gives Little Johnny a good idea.
Later that night, when Little Johnny was sent to bed, he stayed up listening and waiting for his mom and dad to go to bed.
Once he starts hearing noises coming from their room he runs down the hall, throws their bedroom door open, and yells "I want a watch!"
His dad looks over to Johnny and says "Well okay, but sit in the corner and be quiet!"

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Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused.


His mother was Jewish and his father was Hispanic.
So Johnny says, "Mum, am I more Jewish or more Hispanic?"
"What does it really matter? You’ll just have to ask your father", his mother tells him.
So Johnny’s father gets home from work and Johnny asks the same question,
"Dad, am I more Jewish or more Hispanic?"
"What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want to know if you’re more Jewish or more Hispanic?" asks his dad.
"Well, it’s like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, I don’t know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait till dark and steel the fucking thing!"

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So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.
One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."
She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.
After class is over and the studentsclear out, Johnny makes his guess.
"Blue."
"Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.
"Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out.
When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

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Little Johnny is sitting in class, the teacher is going over vocabulary words.


She asks the class to use a word in a sentence.
The teacher says the word is "contagious".
Johnny is waving his arm up and down, no other students have their arm up.
The teacher figures there is no way Johnny can come up something rude for this word, and she calls his name to use the word in a sentence.
Johnny says the other day, my dad and I were driving down the freeway and woman was painting a billboard, she was using a very small brush.
The teacher says "what does this have to do the word contagious?"
Johnny says "my dad turned to me and said: 'Son it is going to take that "cunt-ages" to paint that billboard with that little brush!'"
The teacher says, "never again!"

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TOP KIDS JOKES THAT ARE SCHOOL

Top jokes about kids in school, every one of the funnier than the previous.

Virginity in school
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

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I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment
So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead

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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...
Little bastards didn't stand a chance…

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Waking up on a Monday morning...
On a Monday morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up son. It's time to got to school!"
"But mom, I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why."
"Well, the kids hate me, and the teachers hate me too!"
"That's no reason. Come now get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go?"
"Well for one you are 52 years old. And for another, you're the principal!".

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What about the kids?
A catholic school catches on fire and two priests first notice the flames & smoke.

"We gotta get outta here!" Says the first one.

"What about the kids?" Asks the second.

"Fuck the kids!" The first exclaims.

"But, do we have time?"

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2 Reasons Why I Should go to School
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.

"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"

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Lifesavers
A elementary school teacher is teaching her students about the 5 senses. For taste, she gives them each lifesavers. The kids guess what flavor they are. They go through cherry, grape, and apple. The last one the teacher gives out is honey flavored. None of the kids can guess the flavor. Trying to give them a hint, the teacher says "it's something your mother probably calls your father". suddenly a little girl spits out her lifesaver and calls out "EWWWW THEY'RE ASSHOLES"

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Timmy brings his cat to school
The teacher asks Timmy "why is your cat at school today?" Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' so I'm saving him!"

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Busted!
A couple days ago a couple kids in high school were busted behind their school. One was eating firecrackers and the other was drinking battery acid.

They were taken to court by the police. The judge thought long and hard what their punishment should be, but just ended up charging the one, and he let the other one off.

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my pre school guitar teacher...
got in trouble for fingering A minor, but he wasn't as bad as bad as my pre school violin teacher...he fiddled with kids... but both were not nearly as bad as my pre school piano teacher....who raped me in the mouth

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Little Johnny's Classic Summer Story
On the first day of school, the teacher goes around the class asking the kids what they did that summer.

Teacher: "Johnny, what did you do?"

Johnny: "Well my dad got in a car accident, and a piece of metal went right up his ass!"

Teacher: "Johnny! We don't use that word in here, we say 'rectum.'"

Johnny: "Wrecked 'im? Damn near killed 'im!"

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They say dad's a transvestite.
-Mommy, mommy! The kids in school say that dad's a transvestite!

-Son, your mom's in the kitchen.

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What's Resurrection?
There was a man teaching the children's Sunday school class, and his lesson was on resurrection. The man asks the kids if they know what the word resurrection means.

After a long silence a little boy in the back of the room raises his hand and says "Well I don't know what it is but I know that if it lasts more than 4 hours, you have to go see a doctor."

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Why do hardcore kids wear camouflage?
Because they don't want to be scene.



If you were in high school in the mid 2000s, you get it.

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Orange Jews
Three of my best friends and I are Jewish in a school with a total of probably 20 Jewish kids (so everyone know we are Jewish). This year for Halloween, the four of us are all going dressed in orange morph suits. If anyone asks what we are, we will simply respond with "orange juice."

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College is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they'll send your kid back.

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My wife gave birth 4 times and still fits in her prom dress from high school.


I gave birth 0 times and I don't fit in my pants from March.

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I received a call from the school telling me my son is constantly lying.

I said "Tell him he's a good liar. I don't have a son."

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Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

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A father went to take his daughter from school.


While waiting, he heard her talking with a classmate of hers "I worry so much-..! My dad works 16 hours a day so he can build a dream house for when I grow up. My mom spends her days cooking for me, making deserts and tiding my room so I can have fun. I worry. I’m so worried!"
"With that kind of parents you have nothing to worry about," her friend told her.
"Yeah, but what if... What if they... What if they... ESCAPE?"

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Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls.

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You seem like the kind of person who always tried to open the wrong side of the milk carton in grade school.

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I had such a crush on my sixth-grade teacher... I was home schooled.

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How many alternative school kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, but they get extra credits for it

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A little boy was so exited because his mom told him he is getting a baby brother.


He repeated that to his techer every day, when he came to school, "Im getting a brother."
One day his mom alllowed him to feel the baby's kicks in her belly.
The next day he came to school and didnt say anything to his teacher, so the teacher asked him, what happend to his brother.
He replyed, "I think mommy ate him."

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A teacher asks a student, "Are you ignorant or just apathetic?" The kid answers, "I don't know and I don't care."

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A mother noticed her little dauther praying.


"Please, God," the little girl kept saying.
"Bless my father and my mother and make Melaka the capital city of Malaysia."
"Why did you make such as strange request?" the mother asked.
"Beacause that's what I wrote in my Geography test this morning!"

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Teacher: "I asked you to draw a cow and grass, but I only see a cow. Where is grass?"
Student: "The cow ate the grass, sir."

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Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school.


Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Nina’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."

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My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume, she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

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A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around Wal- Mart in a buggy.


Each time she put something in the basket she would say, "And here’s something for you, Diploma." or "This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma." and so on.
Eventually a bewildered shopper who’d heard all this finally asked, "Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?"
The grandmother replied, "I sent my daughter to the University of Virginia and this is what she came home with!"

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Three families live in an apartment building.
On the first floor is a Mexican family, the second a white family, the third a black family. Suddenly a tornado hits the apartment building. Which family survives? The white family, because the parents were at work and the kids were at school.

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I don't want to get up, Papa.
An elderly gentleman knocks on his son's bedroom door. John, he says, wake up!

John answers, I don't want to get up, Papa.

The father shouts, Get up, you have to go to school.

John says, I don't want to go to school.

Why not? asks the father.

Three reasons, says John. First, because it's so dull; second, the kids tease me; and third, I hate school.

And the father says, Well, I am going to give you three reasons why you must go to school. First, because it is your duty; second, because you are forty-five years old, and third, because you are the headmaster.

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How to keep kids from acting up in class
A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence ... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

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Blonde schoolgirl
Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day Jenny came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24

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back of the bus....
There once was an old school bus driver who in his age, had plenty of wisdom. One day he over heard the white kids and the black kids yelling about who should sit in the front of the bus, and who should sit in the back.
He quickly pulled the bus over and threw it in park then ordered everyone off the bus.
He proceeded to give an inspirational message about how there was no black or white. "We should all look at ourselves as green from this point on!"
Feeling like he got his point across he ordered the children back onto the bus, "I want the dark green kids in the back and light green kids upfront!"

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A private school dance...
There are two private middle schools having a school dance together in on of the school's gyms. One is an all girls' school, and the other is an all boys' school.

All of the kids are dancing in the middle of the school's gym and having a pretty good time...except for one girl with a peg leg and one boy with a wooden eye.

After about a half an hour of standing on opposite sides of the gym, the boy finally musters up the courage to speak to the girl.

The boy says to her "Hi I think you're very pretty, would you like to dance with me?"

Excited, the girl sweetly says "Would I!"

After a moment, the boy growls back at her "peg leg!"

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I wrote this joke myself and all my friends think it's hilarious
This child comes home from school (it is a boys' only school) at the end of the day very upset and his mom asks him what's wrong. The child tells his mother that all the other children at school got penis enlargers for the holidays and the mother responds, "All the other kids with their pumped up dicks..."

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Every Friday, Ms. Jane ends class a little early...
and plays a game with the kids. She will read off famous quotes, and if one of the students in her 5th grade class can correctly name who said it, they get to leave school a little early. Today the quotes would come from US Presidents. She saw Tommy, who always won this game, sitting in the back, at attention, ready to go home early. She made note to try and let some other people win today.

The first quote she read was "Speak softly and carry a big stick." Immedietly, little Tommy's hand shot up. She glanced around the room and saw Sara meekly raising her hand, so she picked her. "Who said that, Sara?" Sara correctly responded Teddy Roosevelt, so Ms. Jane let her go home early.

The next quote was "My fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country." Tommy's hand went right up again, but so did Karen's. Ms. Jane picked Karen, who correctly said John F. Kennedy, so she was allowed to leave early.

As Ms. Jane looked down, she heard from the back of the classroom, "Jesus, I wish these bitches would just keep their goddamn mouths shut!" Horrified, she looked up and asked who said that. Tommy raised his hand and said "Bill Clinton, can I go home now?"

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blondes
A girl came skipping home from school one day. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde? the girl said. Yes, it's because you're blonde, said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy? Yes, it's because you're blonde. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these! And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. Very good, said her embarrassed mother. Is it because I'm blonde, mommy? No Honey, it's because you're 24.

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there were two kids in a sunday school...
there were two kids in a sunday school named adam and mary, adam was sitting directly behind mary and everytime mary raised her hand to answer a question, adam found it amusing to poke her in the back with his pencil.
"todays lesson we will be answering three questions and then you may leave" said the teacher. "first, heres an easy one. who did the virgin mary give birth to?" adam poked mary in the back with the pencil and she replied a little agrivated
"ahh! jesus!" the teacher was pleased with mary and asked the second question
"who is the ruler of everything?" again adam poked mary with his pencil and again she replied agrivatedly
"ahh! god!" the teacher obviously pleased with mary decided to ask a very hard question
"what did eve say to adam after they gave birth to their 100th child?" again adam pokes mary in the back with his pencil and she angrily turns around and snaps
"adam, if you stick that in me one more time, im gunna break it in half!!"

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Three boys are walking home from school and they see a naked woman.


One of them runs away the other two stay to watch.
The next day they are walking home from school and they see the naked woman again, and again the same boy runs away.
Another day later they are walking home and they see the naked woman again, as the boy tries to run away the other boys grab him and ask, "What are you gay or something don't you like looking at naked women?"
He replied, "Yeah, I love looking at naked women but my mom said that if I see one I'll turn into stone and I feel something starting to get hard."

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Joey and Katie are sitting in school.


Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question.
"Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty! !" Exclaimed Katie.
"Correct." Says the teacher.
So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?"
Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil "Jesus Christ almighty!" she exclaims.
"Correct again." Says the teacher.
So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"
Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!"

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Billy, learned at school that everybody has secrets.


So, he decided to take advantage of it.
One day, as he came home from school, he went in front of his mother and told her: "Mommy, mommy! I know everything!"
His mom, obviously scared to death: "Here, take a 100 euros and say NOTHING to your father about it, okay?"
"Okay mommy!" says Billy and leaves the room with a big smile on his face.
When his dad came from work, he did the same to him as well: "Daddy, daddy! I found out everything!"
Numb, his father puts his hand on his pocket: "Here, take a 100 euros and say NOTHING to your mother, okay?"
"Okay!" says Billy with a bigger smile on his face.
The next morning, on his way to school, he sees the Postman.
He thought he could try it to him too: "Mr. Focker, I know everything!"
The Postman, the minute he heard it, fell on his knees and wide opened his arms: "Then, come... Come closer... My son!"

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The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students.


Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "George, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I’m in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you," he said.
"But George," she said gently, "don’t you see how silly that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don’t want a child."
"Oh, don’t worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I’ll use a rubber."

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Billy was excited about his first day at school.


So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.
So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.
Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can’t find it," he admitted.
The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now.
Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and went on his way.
A short while later he returned to the class room and said to the teacher "I still can’t find it."
Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who had been at the school for awhile, to help Billy find the bathroom.
So Tommy and Billy left the classroom together and five minutes later they both return and sat down at their seats.
The teacher asked Tommy "Well, did you find it?"
Tommy was quick with his reply. "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."

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There's this black kid that goes to school and realizes teachers treat him differently than the white kids.
So, he goes home, paints himself white and shows his dad.
His dad beats the crud outta him.
He shows his mother, "Hey Ma, Look! I'm white!"
He gets beat by his mom too.
Lastly, he shows his Grandmother, "Grandma, Look! I'm white!
She beats him badly with her cane and sends him to his room.
Later, his dad comes into his room and asks, "Son, did you learn anything out of this?"
And the boy replies, "Duh! I've only been white for an hour and I already hate three niggers!"

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Little Johnny was at school one day, when he noticed that there was a large crowd of kids gathered around Little Billy.
Little Johnny walks up to Little Billy and says "Hey what's all the excitement about",
Little Billy says "Just showing everyone my new watch".
Little Johnny goes "Wow, that's a cool watch where did you get it?"
Little Billy says "Well, I walked in on my mom and dad having sex over the weekend, and my dad was so mad he gave me spanking and sent me to my room".
The next day, he feel guilty about what he had done and went and bought me this cool Watch.
This gives Little Johnny a good idea.
Later that night, when Little Johnny was sent to bed, he stayed up listening and waiting for his mom and dad to go to bed.
Once he starts hearing noises coming from their room he runs down the hall, throws their bedroom door open, and yells "I want a watch!"
His dad looks over to Johnny and says "Well okay, but sit in the corner and be quiet!"

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A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we’re living with two h***s and a future congressman."

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One day,little Timmy was at school and heard the word β€œshit”.


He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him β€œcoats and jackets”.
Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word β€œfucking”, and for a second time, asked his father what it meant.
His father promptly said β€œcooking”.

Then,he returned to school the third day and heard the words β€œbitches and hoes”.
He went home and his father told him it meant β€œgrandpa and grandma”.

Later,on Thanksgiving night,his grandparents came over.
Timmy answered the door with glee and says: β€œHey bitches and hoes! I’ll take your shit to the closet cause dad’s in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"

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Mary can't stand Sunday school, but her brother William doesn't have a problem with it.


So one day in Sunday school, Mary thinks, "The hell with it," and decides to go to sleep.
The teacher sees this and asks Mary a question to keep her awake.
"Mary, who created the heavens and the earth?"
William, who is sitting behind Mary, pokes her in the butt with his pencil. Mary wakes up and shouts, "God almighty!"
And the teacher says, "Yes. That's correct, Mary."
Mary goes back to sleep and the teacher asks her another question.
"Who died on the cross for our sins?"
William pokes Mary again. She wakes up and shouts, "Jesus Christ!"
Once again, she goes back to sleep.
This time the teacher asks, "Mary, what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
William pokes her again.
Mary wakes up and shouts, "If you don't stop poking me with that thing, I'm gonna break it off!"

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A boy is at school...
A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"

The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."

The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"

The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"

The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

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The kids in school are asked to say nouns that represent things that can be eaten..
"Apple", says a child. "Very good !", the teacher agrees. "Bread !" says another. the teacher agrees again. "Lamp !", says a kid from the back of the class. Puzzled, the teacher asks him how are lamps edible, so the boy explains. "Yesterday, as i was passing by my parrents' bedroom, i overheard my dad say to my mom: Turn off that lamp and just put in your mouth !"

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A little kid runs to his mom...
A little kid runs to his mom and says, "Mom! Mom! At school they call me Big Teeth!"

The mom says "Oh, baby, don't listen to those kids. They're just lying. Now, can you please lift your head up? You're scratching the floor"

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Obama goes to an elementary school to talk to the kids...
Obama goes to an elementary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up

his hand and Obama asks him his name.

" Stanley ," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley ?"

"I have 4 questions:

First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of Congress?

Second, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all

Americans don't have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that 's right: question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have 6 questions.

First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of Congress?

Second, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all

Americans don't have health insurance?

Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

And sixth, what the f**k happened to Stanley?"

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Names
There are 3 new kids in school today, all of them sisters, they walk in and the teacher decides to talk to them
Teacher: Hello, whats your name?
Child 1: Rose

Teacher: Thats a nice name, why are you called Rose?

Rose: Because when I was in my mommys tummy, a Rose fell on her

Teacher: Aw thats so sweet, whats your name?
Child 2: Tulip

Teacher: Thats a lovely name, why are named Tulip?

Tulip: because when I was in my Mommys tummy, a Tulip fell on her

Teacher: Thats so adorable!
What about you -points at Child 3- whats your name?

Child 3: My name is **Brick**

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Another blonde joke
A girl came skipping home from school one day and went to her mother. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde? the girl asked. Yes, it's because you're blonde, replied the mommy.

The next day, she skipped home again. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were reciting the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy? Yes, it's because you're blonde.

The same thing happened the next day. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these! And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. Very good, said her embarrassed mother. Is it because I'm blonde, mommy? No, honey, it's because you're 24 years old.

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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
β€œJust think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
β€˜There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or β€˜That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’”
A small voice from the back of the room rang out,
β€œAnd there’s the teacher; she’s still old, nasty, and wrinkled”

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Would you send your son to a school run by someone who insisted on being called "Headmaster?"

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Did you hear about that kid that had sex with his teacher? Yeah, he recently died from hi-fiving.

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Yo' Mama is so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, the kids yell, "Here comes the school bus."

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One day a boy came home running while crying.


His mother asked what happened why are you crying?
The boy said`I got punished for something I did not do’.
His mother said β€˜That’s horrible.
what did you not do’.
The boy in tears said`my homework’

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Little Johnny was at school one day when the teacher asked the kids if they could use the word definitely in a sentence.
Well the first little girl raised her hand and said, "Well the trees are definitely green."
The teacher said "No not really because the trees turn yellow red and brown in the fall."
The next little boy raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher said, "No not really because the sky can be all different colors."
From the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand and asked, "Do farts have lumps?"
The teacher said, "No Johnny of course not, that’s silly."
Then Johnny said, "Well then I definitely shit my pants!"

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So, after beating the crap out of the nerdy kid in my class who always gets things right, I returned to the front of the classroom and resumed teaching.

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The president is visiting a school
The president was doing a tour of the nation campaigning and one day he stopped at a school to give a presentation to the kids. After finishing the presentation, he took questions from the kids. One little girl raised he hand and asked, "What is a tradgedy?"
"That's a very good question." The president said. "Can anybody answer it.
Another little girl raised her hand. "If a group of kids were clmbing down a cliff, and their ropes broke, and they fell and died, that would be a tradgedy."
"No," replied the president, "that would be a horrible accident. Would anyone else like to guess what a tradgedy is?"
A boy in the back of the room raised his hand. "If a bus full of students slipped on a banana peel and fell off a cliff, that would be a tradgedy."
"No," replied the president, "that would be a great loss. Does anyone else have a guess."
An older boy raised his hand. "Mr. President," he said, "if you were flying and your plane crashed and you died, that would be a tradgedy."
"Yes," said the president. "Can you tell me why that would be a tradgedy?"
"Because," said the boy, "it wouldn't be a great loss, and it sure as hell wouldn't be an accident."

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The blond with the ten kids
A blond runs into an old friend from high school, and they start catching up since they have not seen each other for many years. Eventually, the blond tells her friend about her ten, all-male children. She proudly says: "I called every one of them 'John' ". Her friend is puzzled, and asks: "Isn't that a bit confusing, all of them having the same name?" "Oh not at all" the blond answers, "It is very convenient. If I want the dishes done, I just call out 'JOHN!' and then at least three or four show up." "But what about when you need one specific child?" her friend persists. The blonde: "Then I just use his last name!"

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TOP STUDENT JOKES THAT ARE SCHOOL

Funny jokes about students participating in science, business, disgusting or stupid drinking situations while in college or school.

An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"
**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

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"How long should my essay be?"
Back in high school I was in an english class and a fellow student asked the teacher how long our essays should be.

He responded saying, "As long as a girl's skirt: long enough to cover everything that needs to be covered, but short enough to keep me interested."

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Other students come by train
A student to his father:

Dear father,
Berlin is a fantastic city, people are nice and I really like that city. But, I am a bit ashamed to come to school with my golden plated Ferrari whereas professors and other students come by train.
Love,
Your son

Next day, an answer comes:

My dear son,
I transferred 20M€ to your bank account. Please buy your train quickly.
Your loving father.

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What does the US Government use to spy on a high school student?
An essay.

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It was career day in Elm Park Elementary School...
and each student had to write about their dad's profession. Ruby wrote about her dad being a doctor and David wrote about his dad being a construction work.

When the teacher asked Johnny he said, "My dad is a pimp and a drug fiend."

"What?!?! Johnny, be honest. I know that's not what your dad does!"

"You're really gonna make me to tell the entire class that my dad is a banker?!"

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What's the difference between an art school student and a monkey?
Monkeys can do math.

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What did the inflatable principal say to the inflatable student who brought a pin to the inflatable school?
Not only have you let me down, you have also let the school down but mainly you have let yourself down.

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How are getting popular in high school and getting a college woman pregnant similar?
Step one: penetrate the student body.

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There was an employment advertisement in an office.


So a guy went there.
Managrer asked him: "Do you know what is the meaning of Ph.D.?"
The guy answered: "Passed High school with Difficulties."

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The inflatable headteacher at the inflatable school caught the inflatable student bringing a pin into the classroom.
He said, "Not only have you let yourself down, you've let me down, you've let your teachers down, and you've let the whole school down..."

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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.


Trying to make the matter clearer, he said:
β€œNow, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face.”
β€œYes, sir,” the boys said.
β€œThen why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”
A little fellow shouted, β€œβ€˜It’s because yer feet ain’t empty.”

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Q: Would you burn your education certificate for 50 million us dollars?
Me: I will burn my certificate, I will burn the school, the nearby schools and even the ministry of education I will also burn all the textbooks.

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Early one morning a mother went to wake up her son.


"Wake up, son.
It's time to go to school!"
"Buy why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I *should* go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"

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A mom calls out to her son "Harry! Wake up! You'll be late for school.

"
The son replies, "Mom I don't want to go to school!
The teachers and students hate me!
Give me one reason I should go!"
The mom says back, "You should go because you're the principal!"

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Teacher: "I will call your parents!"
Elementary student: "No! I’ll be a good boy!"
Junior High School Student: "Pffff… Anyway…"
High School Student: "Send my mother my greetings!"

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English Class Teacher: "One day we will be corruption free. Which tense is it?"
Student: "Future impossible tense."

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One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept.


A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this pointless information"
"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again.
"So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school," replied the professor.

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A teacher asked a student to write 55.


Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
Teacher: What are you waiting for?
Student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!

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It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom:
β€œWill the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.
” Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:
β€œWill the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class.”

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There were three guys at a bar.
One was a college student, one was a buisness man and the other was a biker.
The student tells the two other men that it was his aniversary and he got his wife a pearl necklace and a trip to the Bahamas "Shit if she doesnt like the necklace she'll love the trip" he said.
So the buisness man said "That's nice, for my last aniversary I got my wife a Mercades and a new mansion, if she didn't like the mercades she has to like the new mansion. "
As the biker finished his drink he said "For my last aniversary I got my wife a t-shirt and a vibrator. If she didn't like the t-shirt she can go fuck herself."

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Guess what it is, Jimmy
A little boy's first day in school and a teacher was going to play a "guessing" game. She passed out different items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received.

When it was the new boy, Jimmy's turn, the teacher gave him a candy kiss and asked him, "Do you know what this is?"

The boy replied, "No."

The teacher said, "Go ahead and open it up and taste it."

He does so and the teacher asked him, "Now do you know what it is?"

Little Jimmy said, "Nooooo."

So the teacher said, "I'll give you a hint...it's something your daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams "JIMMY, SPIT IT OUT.......IT'S A PIECE OF ASS."

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Just another Johnny joke
One day while Johnny's dad was just getting out of the shower Johnny looked down and said, "Dad what's that hanging between your legs?"

"Oh Johnny that's my nerve and your's will be this big one of these days", replies Johnny's dad.

Anyway the next day while in school Johnny really had to pee so he raised his hand and said, "Miss I really need to go to the bathroom."

"No, not yet there's someone gone", says his teacher.

Not able to hold it in Johnny walks to the garbage can and starts to pee.

Surprised to see her student peeing in a garbage can in front of the whole class the teacher says, "My Johnny you have some nerve!"

Johnny says,"That's nothing you should see my fathers."

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If you stick that thing in me one more time...
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good!" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

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A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.
So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He’s in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He’s in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.
He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well… every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"

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A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week.
Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day's lecture.
Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.
"And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?" the professor asked.
"I don't know," the student said.
"Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know," said the professor.
"That's not true," the student replied. "I never pay attention anyway!"

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Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student.


Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night.
This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes.
15 minutes looking for assignment.
11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.
8 minutes in the bathroom.
10 minutes getting a snack.
7 minutes checking the TV Guide.
6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.
10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.

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The headmistress at a girls' prep school in the old South (circa 1959) calls down to the army base and speaks with one of the officers:
"We're having a social here at school and I was wondering if you could send some of your nice young men to attend."
"Why of course," the Lieutenant answers.
"Just one thing," says the lady. "Of course you'll make sure there aren't any Jews there."
"Why of course," the Lieutenant answers.
On the day of the dance, a bus pulls up from the base.
Out comes a platoon of black GIs.
The schoolmistress is quite distressed.
"Why, why, there must be some mistake," she says to a burly black Master Sergeant.
"Why heck no, ma'am," he replies. "Lt. Goldberg NEVER makes a mistake!"

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An Ohio State University mortician student walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table.
Confident that he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his instructor, he began to examine the body.
When he rolled it over, he was shocked to see a cork in the man's butt.
Mystified, he pulled it out and immediately heard the University of Michigan fight song come out of the guy's butt.
Shaken by what had happened, he quickly shoved the cork back into it's original resting place.
He then ran to get his instructor, nervously shouting, "Sir, you must come, you won't believe what I discovered!"
Annoyed by the interruption, the professor said, "Let's take a look at this astounding discovery."
When they entered the morgue, the teacher was also surprised to see the cork, so he approached the table and promptly removed the cork.
Upon hearing the University of Michigan fight song, he quickly replaced the cork in the cadaver's butt and said, "What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of assholes sing that song!"

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One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, "There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First: Don't fear anything."
After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same.
After hesitating, they all did it.
"Next," the professor said, "you have to have a key observation finger. Thus, I licked my index finger."

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a student and the head teacher in a school...
**\*Set the scene:** Recently a school in a small village has been vandalised, this is a big deal as the village is so small and everyone knows each other... the vandal as yet to be caught & a warrant has been put out for his/ her arrest...

**Student:** Have you heard about the vandalism that has just took place in the school Sir?

**Head teacher:** Yea (he replies) what an awful thing to do!

**Student:** I think I know who's done it!

**Head teacher:** Who!?

**Student:** Joe

**Head teacher:** Joe who?

**Student:** Joe mama!!!

\*\*the student gets expelled\*\*

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A genius high school chemistry student takes a test
A genius high school chemistry student takes a test, gets his score back and is dismayed to find that he missed exactly one question and thus would not be accepted to his university of choice. He is especially bummed because the question he missed was How many valence electrons does a Hydrogen atom have? In his haste to complete the test, he had answered 2.

Depressed and despairing, he takes a walk alone along a beach and is lost in thought when he trips on a metal object in the sand. Picking it up, he finds it to be a brass oil lamp, and as his fingers brush the surface a genie suddenly appears. The genie thunders, I can grant you any one wish, but you must answer now. What do you desire? The student immediately replies, I wish I had gotten that question right, and the universe explodes.

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Teacher: "Don't forget to check the Internet if you have trouble with your homework questions."
Pupil: "It's not the questions I have trouble with, it's the answers."

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A student visits the principal's office
The principal asks: "

What is your name?"
The student replies: "D-d-d-dav-dav-david."
The principal asks: "Do you have a stutter?"
Student answers: "No, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole."

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The exchange student
A wealthy Arab had a son who was an exchange student in America. Because of his father's wealth, the son would arrive to school every day in a luxurious Rolls-Royce. Soon after school started, the son sent a letter to his father. It said "Dear father. I feel very ashamed; I arrive to school everyday in a Rolls-Royce. All my professors arrive by train!" he soon got a letter back from his father, along with $20 million. His father's letter read "Dear son, you are embarrassing me. Take this money and but yourself a train as well!"

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Little Mary #1
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher asked her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good," and little Mary fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary.

The teacher said, "Very good," and little Mary fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

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Little April in Sunday school...
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"

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History Quotations
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?' Patrick Henry, 1775β€², he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863β€² said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F ___ the Indians,' 'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997β€²

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' and Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was Lehmann Brothers, November 4th, 2008.β€²

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Little Johnny was in class when his teacher
Little Johnny was in class when his teacher told the class that she would be introducing something new. Every Friday she would ask them a question and the quickest student to get it right would get the next Monday off school.

The first Friday she asks them 'how many blades of grass are there in the field?'
Of course no one puts their hand up.

The second Friday she asks them 'how many stars are there in the sky?'
Again no one puts their hand up.

Little Johnny, determined to get Monday off decides to prepare for next Friday.
He collects a bag of ping-pong balls and paints them black then takes them in for Friday's question.

That Friday the teacher finishes the last lesson and is about to ask the question when 20 black balls fly around the classroom.
Crossly she says 'who's the comedian with the black balls?'
Little Johnny replies 'Bill Cosby, see you on Tuesday!'

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TOP COLLEGE JOKES THAT ARE SCHOOL

Totally funny jokes about how things in college in reality are.

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"
"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

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How are getting popular in high school and getting a college woman pregnant similar?
Step one: penetrate the student body.

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A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson.


He delivered the pizza to his trailer.
After giving it to him, Larry asked: β€œWhat is the usual tip?”
β€œWell,” replied the youth, β€œthis is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great.”
β€œIs that so?” snorted Larry.
β€œWell, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s five dollars.”
β€œThanks,” replied the youth, β€œI’ll put this in my school fund.”
β€œWhat are you studying in school?” asked Larry.
The lad smiled and said: β€œApplied psychology.”

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A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week.
Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day’s lecture.
Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.
β€œAnd who was it that developed the theories behind communism?” the professor asked.
β€œI don’t know,” the student said.
β€œPerhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know,” said the professor.
β€œThat’s not true,” the student replied.
β€œI never pay attention anyway!”

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Little Johnny comes home from school...
Johnny comes home from college one afternoon and heads to his bedroom. As he passes his parent's room, he hears a strange noise and opens the door to investigate. Inside, Johnny sees his mom and his dad in bed going at it. Johnny stands there, eyes wide as dad really gives it to his mom. A few moments later, dad notices Johnny, grins widely at him, gives him a thumb's-up, laughs and goes back to plowing her.

A few days later, dad comes home and heads to his room. As he nears Johnny's room, he hears a commotion and decides to investigate. When he opens the door, he sees Johnny in bed with his grandmother, going at it. Dad stands there, dumbfounded. When he finally comes to his senses, he shouts, "Johnny, what the fuck are you doing!?"

Johnny looks over, grins widely, and says, "Yeah, it's not so funny when it's your mom, huh?"

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Where do vaginas go to school?
Gynae College

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There were three guys at a bar.
One was a college student, one was a buisness man and the other was a biker.
The student tells the two other men that it was his aniversary and he got his wife a pearl necklace and a trip to the Bahamas "Shit if she doesnt like the necklace she'll love the trip" he said.
So the buisness man said "That's nice, for my last aniversary I got my wife a Mercades and a new mansion, if she didn't like the mercades she has to like the new mansion. "
As the biker finished his drink he said "For my last aniversary I got my wife a t-shirt and a vibrator. If she didn't like the t-shirt she can go fuck herself."

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A Father and his Son are walking down the condom aisle in the pharmacy...
The son notices that condoms are sold in different numbers per pack, so he asks his Dad why. The Dad replies, "Well, son, the 3 pack is for when you're in High School. One for Friday night, and two for Saturdays. The 6 pack is for when you're in College. Two for Thursday, two for Friday, and two for Saturday." The son asks, "What about the 12 pack? I bet that's really good." The Dad says, "Oh, the 12 pack is for when you're married. One for January, one for February..."

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Uncle just told me this one.
There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar. Are you from around here?"

The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street."
"No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?"
"Oh, I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66. How bout you?"
"Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too." "Where'd you go to college?" "Beloit, in Wisconsin." "No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?"
"Kevin Sullivan dorm."
"Sullivan? You're not going to believe this..."

Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, "Joe, you wont believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?"

Joe looks at them both and says, "Yeah, that's just plain amazing."
A third man comes in and says, "Hey Joe. What's new?" Joe says, "Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again."

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A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week.
Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day's lecture.
Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.
"And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?" the professor asked.
"I don't know," the student said.
"Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know," said the professor.
"That's not true," the student replied. "I never pay attention anyway!"

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TOP SCIENCE JOKES THAT ARE SCHOOL

Jokes about students doing science.

One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept.


A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this pointless information"
"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again.
"So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school," replied the professor.

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Bad Science Joke
A high school science teacher is ordering supplies for his class online, but he can't find one particular compound. So he calls the store. "Excuse me sir," says he, "But do you by chance carry Sodium Bromate?" The store owner replies, "Na-BrO"

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Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean.


Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there.
The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.
The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."
The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."
While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires.
They both scream, "What are you doing?"
To which the statistician replies, "Trying to get an adequate sample size."

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One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, "There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First: Don't fear anything."
After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same.
After hesitating, they all did it.
"Next," the professor said, "you have to have a key observation finger. Thus, I licked my index finger."

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My son came home from school today...
...and said


"My perverted science teacher tried touching me down below today."

"What did you do?" I asked.

He said, "I done it back."

"You fucking queer!" I shouted.

"But she loved it dad" he said.

"You fucking legend!" I shouted.

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Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science.


She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.
Now it was question time, and she asked, β€œMy name begins with the letter β€˜M’ and I pick up things.
What am I?”
A little boy on the front row proudly said, β€œYou’re a mother!”

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One day, a young boy was asked by his teacher to tell him what the chemical formula for water was.


The boy replied with "H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O".
The Teacher was stunned. "That's not right, how did you come up with that?"
The boy said, "Last week you said it was H2O!"

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A Jewish boy comes home with his report card.
His parents take a look and see:

English: A
Science: A
History: A
Math: F

They tell him he's grounded until they see improvement, but when the next report card comes he gets an F in math yet again! After thinking hard about what to do this time, they decide they must send him to Catholic school.

After just one term at Catholic school he comes home with an A in Math! The father asks, "Son, what made this time so different?"

He replies, "Well when I saw that kid nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"

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Origin of the vagina
Don't know if repost, but I found this written in my high school science notes from years ago. Obviously I didn't make straight A's.


Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, with smart wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit.

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.

Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within.

Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without.

Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell.

Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee.

Last was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt.

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TOP BUSINESS JOKES THAT ARE SCHOOL

Jokes about students practicing business activities.

Successful entrepreneur
I met an old friend from high school the other day, and I couldn't believe how wealthy he had become. He ran a massively successful business, but could barely get a passing grade in math class when I knew him.

I asked him how he did it.

He said it was easy.

"All I did was find a product I could make for $2 and sell for $4. You'd be surprised just how much 2% adds up over the years!"

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A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week.
Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day's lecture.
Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.
"And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?" the professor asked.
"I don't know," the student said.
"Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know," said the professor.
"That's not true," the student replied. "I never pay attention anyway!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week.
Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day’s lecture.
Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.
β€œAnd who was it that developed the theories behind communism?” the professor asked.
β€œI don’t know,” the student said.
β€œPerhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know,” said the professor.
β€œThat’s not true,” the student replied.
β€œI never pay attention anyway!”

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Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant.


Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said.
"But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

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There were three guys at a bar.
One was a college student, one was a buisness man and the other was a biker.
The student tells the two other men that it was his aniversary and he got his wife a pearl necklace and a trip to the Bahamas "Shit if she doesnt like the necklace she'll love the trip" he said.
So the buisness man said "That's nice, for my last aniversary I got my wife a Mercades and a new mansion, if she didn't like the mercades she has to like the new mansion. "
As the biker finished his drink he said "For my last aniversary I got my wife a t-shirt and a vibrator. If she didn't like the t-shirt she can go fuck herself."

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Catholic School
So there's a bad jewish kid and he swears all the time. He gets expelled from school. His behavior combined with the town he lives in being so small where everyone knows everyone's business, causes his family to become pariahs.

Desperate for a solution, the parents ask the local Rabbi for help who suggests sending the boy to a *yeshiva* - a Jewish private school. The parents try this, but sadly, this seemed to make him worse, now he swears in both English and Hebrew.

The next week, Thanksgiving rolls around and the parents have the neighbors over to eat Turkey with them. The neighbor after a while can't help but remark "I know it's not my place, but your son is very unruly."

The parents sigh and say they have no idea what to do with him. The neighbor replies "I know you're Jewish but try Catholic School. Those nuns instill serious discipline in children."

Feeling out of options, the parents do enroll the son in Catholic School, and that same day he comes home from school the model son they always wished he was.

The parents are flabbergasted. They ask "Did the nuns beat you?", and the son replies "No mother, they did not." So the parent's say "Then how did this happen?" and the son replied "Well, when I saw the guy hanging on the wall there, I knew they meant business!"

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My brother, the jackass, and the theoretical blind kid.
My brother came home from middle school one day and I could tell he was very upset. I asked him what was wrong. He told me that between classes he stopped in the restroom to take a piss and he set his brand new binder on the counter next to the sink before doing his business. Some asshole kid came in, knocked his binder in the garbage can and proceeded to piss in said can.

Amazed at how someone would do something like this I asked my brother "What did you do?"
Still upset and with tears in his eyes my brother said "What could I do?"
"I would have beat the little fuckers ass!" I told him.
"But what if he was blind?" My brother asked.
Without pausing a moment I responded with "I would have gotten away with it."

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Two men
Two men had been friends since elementary school. So for the younger man's 80th birthday, he took him to a fine brothel. The brothel was full, but the owner, not wanting to lose business, told them to go upstairs to their room and that he would return with girls later.
After the owner was sure that the men were fast asleep, he brought in two blow up dolls.
The next morning, the older man came out concerned. "What seemed to be the problem?" He asks.
"We'll, I think I killed her. She was cold and wasn't breathing.I'm outta here!" So the man leaves, and his friend comes down looking perplexed.
"How was your night?" Asked the owner.
"We'll, I bit her tit, then she farted and flew out the window!"

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Your first job interview
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young applicant fresh out of business school, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The applicant answered, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years ... say, a red Corvette?"

The applicant sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

Replied the interviewer: "Yes, but you started it."

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CONCLUSION

Best of 255 Hilarious School Jokes. Clean and dirty jokes about people of all ages going through school and their experiences with random encounters through the journey. Appropriate jokes for kids to tell at school.

You've read some of the best school jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of puns about school. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty school gags to your kids.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these school jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our jokes archive.

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