School Jokes

funny jokes about school and hilarious stories

BEST SCHOOL JOKES

School jokes and pranks to have fun with friends and family. Top 10 jokes about School of all time along with the funniest school gags ever told.

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn't* something trying to kill you...
School is my answer

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A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.

The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.

The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.

The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."

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My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.
Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

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As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn't* something trying to kill you...
School is my answer

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A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."
"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?"

"Not yet."


"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."

"Why?" asks the father.

"Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on.... my cock??'"

"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."

The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet."

"Don't bother, I got expelled."

Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"

"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."

"The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

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Virginity in school
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

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I never understood school shooting jokes
I guess they're aimed at a younger audience...

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A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day.

The professor says I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read? so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.

The C.E.O says I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.

The janitor says I'll be an artist so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.

The janitor says I got a masters degree in art.

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TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

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A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.

The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.

The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.

The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."

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LATEST SCHOOL JOKES

Bad news: I got caught going 28 mph in a school zone.
Good news: statutory rape won't affect my license points.

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What's the difference between an isis camp and a Syrian school
I don't know I'm just the guy who flies the plane

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A classmate dressed up as a storm trooper for Halloween and shot up the school
Don't worry, no one got hurt.

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Why was the dyslexic atheist expelled from veterinary school?
He kept telling his teachers that he didn't believe in dog.

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They used to call me a school shooter...
Little did they know, I sucked at basketball :/

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What's one good thing about paedophiles?
They drive slow in school zones

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My daughter's school put her in a special needs class because she wouldn't stop dancing.
They said she has get down syndrome.

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School shooting jokes are like school shooting victims: They never get old.

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A coma can change a lot in a sentence
For example:

Ben is in school

Ben is in a coma

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Dating!
So, the other day I ask this girl out in class and she just looks at me, freaks out, and then calls the police on me.

Now I don't know if another elementary school will hire me.

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Tobacco use amongst young adults has gone down in recent years.
They say it's at an all time low amongst middle and high school students.

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A new high school opened up near me. . .
None of the kids really knew each other.

It took a little while, but eventually they cliqued.

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An elementary school shooter, a high school shooter and a college shooter walk into a bar
BARTENDER: This is wrong on so many levels.

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I set up a summer school in Israel for kids with ADHD ...
But apparently my name for it, Jewish Concentration Camp won't work.

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I tried to set up a new summer school in Isreal ...
For kids with ADHD, but now I am told the name of it, Jewish Concentration Camp won't work 🧐

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Which holiday is celebrated in the USA between 25-45 times per year?
Mourning of school shooting victims

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School Principal: "Your kid's lunchbox smells like shit."
Me: "No wonder I didn't find my banana-shaped dildo today!"

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I'm a special education teacher for middle school students. We added yoga to our daily activities
It didn't take long for the students to master downward facing syndrome

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I used to play football in high school
I was Left Out

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How do American school kids learn the metric system?
9 millimeters at a time

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SCHOOL JOKES THAT ARE...

School jokes can be funny or dirty, insulting of disgusting. Most of them are suitable for kids and family.

BEST SHORT JOKES

Short jokes about school, one liners, thoughts and captions that are funny and will make you laugh.

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn't* something trying to kill you...
School is my answer

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My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.
Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

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As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn't* something trying to kill you...
School is my answer

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I never understood school shooting jokes
I guess they're aimed at a younger audience...

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TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

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What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school?
Oh, high marks.

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As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there "isn't" something trying to kill you....
"School" is my answer.

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When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...
...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

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A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference
For example:

Johnny ate his own lunch after school.

Johnny ate his own colon after school.

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I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment
So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead

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BEST RACIST JOKES

Some of the best jokes about racism in schools and among kids and students.

Offensive Joke: The principal of my daughter's elementary school wanted to talk me about her behavior.
Apparently she was making racist remarks towards the black kids in her class and insulting them.


I must say I am terrified and very disappointed, she isn't even allowed to talk to them.

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What do you call a black guy who just graduated from medical school?
Doctor, you racist son of a bitch.

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My favorite racist joke is more funny than it is offensive -
On the elementary school playground, there was a group of boys that liked to play basketball. Tyrone, a fourth grader, was the only black boy in the school, and far outperformed his peers in most athletic contests. He could run faster and jump higher than any other student at the school. He could easily outrun and out jump even the fastest and tallest fifth and sixth grade boys. When they played basketball, Tyrone's team could only play three players at a time to be fair, and he was still always picked first.


"You're the best at basketball because you're black, Tyrone," the other boys would say. Tyrone would wonder about this. His mama always told him not to think he was any different than any of those white boys. Being black didn't mean he was any better or any worse than anyone else. But he was obviously better at basketball than any of the white kids at his elementary school, so what else could it be?


Tyrone got home from school one day and asked his mama, "Mama, I can jump higher and run faster than any of the other kids at the school. Even the fifth and sixth graders. Is it a 'cause I'm black?"


"Naw," Mama said, "you's the fastest runner and highest jumper 'coz you's the only one who's twenty two."

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Yesterday, I failed my biology exam.
The question was: "Name something commonly found in cells."
Apparently, Niggers wasn't the right answer.

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I may have witnessed the exact moment my high school became racist.
It's when they changed all the blackboards into whiteboards. There's no way they could just chalk it up.

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How did the black guy get his pilot's license?
He went to flight school, you racist bastards.

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What do you call a Native American who graduated from medical school?
A doctor you racist

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School is like a boner, long and hard.
Unless you're Asian...

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Why do mexicans walk around the school like they own the place?
Cause there dad built it and there mom cleans it at night.

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I knew a guy back in high school who was ambitiously racist...
He was voted Most Likely to Secede.

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BEST DISGUSTING JOKES

Trully disguisting jokes about school.

What did the tampon say to the other tampon in school?
I'll see you next period.

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An Ohio State University mortician student walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table.
Confident that he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his instructor, he began to examine the body.
When he rolled it over, he was shocked to see a cork in the man's butt.
Mystified, he pulled it out and immediately heard the University of Michigan fight song come out of the guy's butt.
Shaken by what had happened, he quickly shoved the cork back into it's original resting place.
He then ran to get his instructor, nervously shouting, "Sir, you must come, you won't believe what I discovered!"
Annoyed by the interruption, the professor said, "Let's take a look at this astounding discovery."
When they entered the morgue, the teacher was also surprised to see the cork, so he approached the table and promptly removed the cork.
Upon hearing the University of Michigan fight song, he quickly replaced the cork in the cadaver's butt and said, "What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of assholes sing that song!"

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Malcolm: Miss Wilson can I go to the loo?
Miss Wilson: In two minutes Malcolm.

Do your alphabet first.
Malcolm: Ok Miss Wilson. abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz.
Miss Wilson: Very good, Malcolm, but where's the p?
Malcolm: Miss, it's running down my leg!

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BEST STUPID JOKES

School jokes that are nothing less than stupid.

I wanted to major in reverse psychology.
My dream school turned me down.

So I wrote them back and told them I wasn't even interested in their stupid program. They sent me a diploma.

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School dances this year are going to be like Fortnite lobbies...
Lots of stupid dance moves and unnecessary shooting

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Bored on lunch, here's one I tell often.
Two hillbilly kids.. Darla and Buckwheat are at school The teacher asks Darla, 'How do you spell 'dumb'?"
Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb."
The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."
She responds, "Buckwheat is dumb."

"Now spell 'stupid'."
Darla says, "s-t-u-p-i-d."
The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."
Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."

Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and asks, "Buckwheat, spell dictate."
Buckwheat stands up and says, otay, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."

The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in the a sentence."

"I may be dumb, I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"

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I used to tell this joke all the time in elementary school
Two guys are running from the cops at night. One is smart and the other is stupid.

They get tired of running, so they decide to hide in a shack they come across. The smart one hides inside an animal cage, and the stupid one hides inside a potato sack.

The cops start searching the shack and they are about to look inside the cage when the smart one goes, "meow meow!" The cops say "oh, that's just a kitten" and continue searching.

Then when the cops are about to look inside the potato sack, the stupid one goes, "potato, potato!"

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school jokes
The Teacher says to the class: Who ever stands up is stupid
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: I said who ever stands up is STUPID!
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: Johnny, do you really think that you are stupid?
Little Johnny: No Mrs, I just thought that maybe you are lonely being the only one standing.

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Son: I don't want to go school, Ma!
Son: All the teachers think I Am stupid and the kids hate me.
Mom: No! You should go, because you are the "Principal!"

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What if Prom is just an elaborate business scams that fashion companies carry out every year to sell all the shitty, cheap dresses to high school kids because the rich people wouldn't buy them?
*scam

I is stupid.

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School jokes, Teacher and Johnny.
The Teacher says to the class: Who ever stands up is stupid
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: I said who ever stands up is STUPID!
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: Johnny, do you really think that you are stupid?
Little Johnny: No Mrs, I just thought that maybe you are lonely being the only one standing.

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Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?

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I always thought the kids in my high school hated me…
…they called me stupid and a faggot. But I stayed positive and my senior year they voted me most likely to suck seed. Thanks, guys!

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WHAT ARE SCHOOL JOKES ABOUT?

School is if great topic to laugh at. Some of the funniest jokes ever are about school.

Are School jokes funny? For sure! There is no such thing as boring school joke here. All jokes are funny in their own way. You can also read school jokes images on Pinterest or watch videos with school jokes on YouTube.

TOP TEACHER JOKES THAT ARE SCHOOL

Funny jokes about school teachers, some of which Q&A, some are long stories, some clean.

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.

The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.

The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.

The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."

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A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."
"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?"

"Not yet."


"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."

"Why?" asks the father.

"Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on.... my cock??'"

"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."

The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet."

"Don't bother, I got expelled."

Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"

"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."

"The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

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A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day.

The professor says I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read? so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.

The C.E.O says I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.

The janitor says I'll be an artist so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.

The janitor says I got a masters degree in art.

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A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.

The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.

The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.

The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."

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When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...
...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

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Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings
The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word tragedy .

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that'd be a tragedy.

Not quite , says Mr. Trump, that would be an accident.

A little girl raises her hand: if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.

I'm afraid not, explained the president. That's what we would call a great loss.

The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?

Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.

Fantastic! exclaimed Mr. Trump. That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?

Well', said little Johnny, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and probably wouldn't be an accident either.

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What is the best Donald Trump joke you've heard?
Don't know if this one is in here yet, but here goes:

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word tragedy . (No, not the punch line yet)

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that'd be a tragedy.

Not quite , says Mr. Trump, that would be an accident.

A little girl raises her hand: if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.

I'm afraid not, explained the president. That's what we would call a great loss.

The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?

Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.

Fantastic! exclaimed Mr. Trump. That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?

Well', said little Johnny, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and probably wouldn't be an accident either.

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I got a phone call from my son's school today
Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That's..

Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet

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Donald Trump was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word tragedy . So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy .

One little boy stood up and offered: If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.

No, said Trump, that would be an accident

A little girl raised her hand: If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.

I'm afraid not, explained the president. That's what we would call great loss.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Trump searched the room. Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: If 'Air Force One' was carrying you and was struck by a friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.

Fantastic! exclaimed Trump. That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?

Well, said the boy, It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a fucking accident either .

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Bad Math Grade
A little boy comes home from school and tells his father, "I got an F in math today."
His father replies, "What happened?"
The boy says, "Well, my teacher asked me, 'What's 3 times 2', and I said 6.'"
The father replies, "Well, that's correct."
The boy says, "I know. Then she asked me, 'What's 2 times 3.'"
The father then replies, "What the fuck is the difference?"
The boys says, "That's what I said!"

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Sir, your son was smoking marijuana at school during the class!
Says the teacher to a student's parent at a school gathering.

-- Did he say where he got it?

-- Yes! His best friend gave it to him.


The father, cleaning his tears:

-- Did he really say that?

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It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right....
Alcohol IS a solution.

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An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"
**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

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Tough to be Irish
"What's your name?", asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike.

" Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.

"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike .

"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"

And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.

"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.


"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."

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I got voted "Least Likely To Succeed" by my high school class...
Fuck, I hate being a teacher.

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Osama Bin Laden's son comes home from school crying...
He asks him: "What's wrong son, what happened?"

"The teacher asked the class what the tallest building in New York is, and I got the answer wrong."

"Why, what did you answer?"

"The Empire State Building."

"Don't worry son, daddy will take care of it."

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Back in high school..
...I was a huge metal fan. In math class, I had an 8/10 girl next to me, she turns me on so much. I always try really hard to impress her, she's so hot. The teacher starts passing back last weeks test, and 8/10 looks at me, smiles, and starts playing with her hair. I can't handle it, I start spinning. The cute girl is completely staring now. I completely break down and stop spinning. She frowns, and I'm trying so hard to keep cool, but I had absolutely no power whatsoever. The teacher turns and plugs me back in, and I start spinning again. I was a metal fan in high school.

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A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.
The teacher says, "What's this?"

The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."

The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"

The kid says, "The cow ate it all."

"Ok, then where's the cow?"

"It left because there was no more grass."

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A kid had sex with his teacher
So the kid just got of school and he got into the car with his mom. The mom asks, "What did you do at school today?"
The kid replies, "I had sex with the teacher."
The mom was furious so when they got home, she told him to go to his room and wait for his father to come home.
Well the father came home from work a couple hours later and the mother told him what their son said. The dad walks up to his sons room and says, "Son, I'm proud of you. I'm going to buy you a new bike."
Later that day they got the bike and the father asks, "Would you like to try it out?"
The son replies, "Not now. My butt still hurts."

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I got voted Least Likely To Succeed by my high school class...
I hate being a teacher...

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A school teacher in Hyderabad was once asked, "Can you make a sentence without using 'E'?"
"I doubt I can. It's a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It's as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would I gain? An award? A cash bonus? Bragging rights? Why should I strain my brain? It's not worth it."

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Little Johnny fell asleep in Sunday school...
The teacher asked, "Johnny, who is our Lord and savior?"
The boy behind him poked him in the back with a pin.
Johnny shot upright and shouted, "Jesus Christ!"
"Correct," said the teacher.
Johnny then fell back asleep.
The teacher called on him again, "Johnny, who was Jesus's mother?"
Again, the boy behind Johnny poked him.
Johnny woke up again and exclaimed, "Mary mother of God!"
"Correct," said the teacher once more.
Johnny fell back asleep.
The teacher called on him one last time, "Johnny, can you tell me what Eve said to Adam after she gave birth to their 23rd child?"
The boy behind him poked him once more.
Johnny shot up and shouted, "YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONCE MORE AND I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF!"

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The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"
Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

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A Muslim boy moves to Ireland...
... On his first day of school his teacher asks, "What is your name?"

"My name is Mohammed" the boy replies.

"You live in Ireland now, Your new name is Mike" says the teacher.

The boy smiles and has a good time in his classes.

After school the boy returns home and is greeted by his mother.

"How was your first day at school, Mohammed?" his mother asks.

"I live in Ireland now, my new name is Mike!" The boy replies.

His mother becomes infuriated, "Have you forgotten where you came from? Your heritage? You have disgraced your ancestors!"

and his mother beat him and when his father comes home from work he does the same.

The next day the boy returns to school and his teacher sees his fresh bruises.

"Mike! What happened?" asked the teacher.

The boy replies with a grimace "Well, shortly after becoming an Irishman I was jumped by two fucking Arabs!"

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School joke
Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: Who just threw that?!
Boy: Me! I'm going home now.

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Jenny was not the best student in Sunday School.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was having a nap:

"Tell me, Jenny, who created the universe?"

She didn't stir, so Mike, a boy in the chair behind her, quickly took a pencil

and jabbed her in the rear.

"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted Jenny

And the teacher said, "Very good".

Soon, Jenny was fast asleep again. A while later the teacher asks Jenny:

"Who is our Lord and Saviour?" Once again, Mike pricked her with a pencil.

"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted Jenny.

And the teacher said, "very good."

Soon, a third question comes: "What did Eve say to Adam after she had

her twenty-third child?" And again, Mike jabbed her with the pencil.

Jenny jumped in her seat and shouted:

"IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT

IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

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A Penis prank at school
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned around and scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class .

The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word "penis" again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, and each day the word was larger than the day before.

Finally, one day she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets ! "

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When I was a kid adults would use swear words then apologise by saying 'Excuse my French'.
I still remember my first day at school when the teacher asked "Does anyone know any French?"

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Todd sat behind Claire in Sunday school
The teacher asked the class 'Who created the universe?'
Todd poked Claire with his pencil and she jumped up yelling 'GOD ALMIGHTY!'
'Correct Claire'
The class goes on for a few minutes and the teacher asks 'Now, can anyone tell me who died on the cross?'
Todd poked Claire again and she leapt up and shouted 'JESUS CHRIST!'
'Correct again Claire'
And the class continues until the teacher asks a third question
'What did Eve say to Adam after they had their 23rd child?'
Again Todd poked Claire, and she yelled out
'I SWEAR IF YOU POKE THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'M GOING TO SNAP IT IN HALF!'

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A mother takes her three son's to enroll in school. The teacher asks.
A mother takes her three son's to enroll in school. The teacher asks.

Teacher: What are your son's names?

Lady: This boy's name is Leroy, this other boy's name is Leroy, and Leroy here is my third son's name.

Teacher: Isn't it confusing having all three boy's named the same?

Lady: Oh no, you see when it's time for lunch I just holler out the door, Leroy! it's time for lunch, and they all come a runnin. When it's time for dinner I just holler out the door, Leroy! it's time for dinner and they all come a runnin.

Teacher: Ok, so what do you do when you want a specific boy?

Lady: Oh, well then I just holler out their last name.

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I was voted Least likely to Suceed by my high school class.
I hate being a teacher.

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Trust is everything
Some teachers from an engineering school were invited to a trip.
After they were all comfortably seated, they were informed that the plane was built by their students.
They got up and ran desperately to the outside of the plane, almost panicking.
Only one teacher remained calm and seated at his spot. When the other teachers asked why he was so calm he said: "I know the capacity of my students, if they built it, I'm sure this bloody thing won't even start"

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SCHOOL JOKES,Teacher and student
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

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Since is translate your national jokes day here it goes: a romanian one.
Bula is at school, the teacher enters the class and starts calling pupils to see who is missing:

"Andrei?"

"Here."

"Anda?"

"Here."

"Bula?"

"Here."

Behind the class George starts laughing.

"What's so funny George?"

"Miss! If you change the first letter from Bula's name you get Pula (Penis). Hahaha"

Bula frowns.

The next day the same; George laughs.

The third day, after George laughs again at Bula's name:

"Gina?"

"Here."

"George?"

"Here."

Bula starts laughing uncontrollably.

The teacher, startled, asks:

"What's the matter Bula?"

"Miss, if you change a few letters from George's name you get *Fuck You George And Your Inbred Family*. Haha!"

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Having sex with the teacher
Little johnny comes home from school on a friday afternoon and tells his mom he had sex with the teacher. Johnny's mom was very upset with him and sent him to his room with the warning his father would be home soon to discipline him. Johnny's father walks into his room and closes the door behind him. He says " Johnny, don't tell your mother this but I am VERY proud of you, you're just like your old man! First thing tomorrow morning we are going to the store so I can buy you a brand new bicycle" The following morning johnny and his father go to the store and buy a brand new bike. Johnny's father says " Go ahead son, you can ride your bike home I'll be alright walking by myself." Johnny refused to ride the bike and insisted on walking home with his father. Johnny's dad started to get upset thinking his son was ungrateful for the new bike he just bought him. He finally questioned johnny about why he didn't want to ride his bike home and he replied,

"My ass is still sore from having sex with the teacher"

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My 1st grader got home from school and asked me
"Dad, is 'hell' a bad word?"

And I told him, "Yes, that's a very bad word. You shouldn't even know about that word. Don't be saying that word, ok?"

My son agreed to not say it, but then asked, "But hello isn't a bad word, right?"

So I had to explain to him that "hell" and and "hello" were two different words with completely different meanings.

A few days later I got a call from his teacher saying I needed to have a conversation with my son concerning his language. She said my son won't stop saying "shitto"

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An elementary school teacher is asking a student a Maths question
Teacher: "Ok, Jimmy. If I gave you two cats and another two cats, how many cats would you have?"

Jimmy: "Five!"

Teacher: "No, Jimmy. Let me ask you another way. If I give you two apples and I give you another two apples, how many apples would you have?"

Jimmy: "Four!"

Teacher: "Good, Jimmy! Now if I gave you two cats and another two cats, how many cats would you have?"

Jimmy: "Five!"

Teacher: "Jimmy! That is incorrect! Why are you answering with five?"

Jimmy: "Because I already have a cat!"

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I heard my first "Little Johnny" joke the other day.
So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.

One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."

She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.

After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess.

"Blue."

"Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.

"Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out.

When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

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It's the first day of school, and the teacher announces to the class that they will learn to speak like grownups this year.
To demonstrate, she asks the kids what they did this summer. The first child says, "I went on a choo-choo train ride."
"No," the teacher says, "you went on a train ride."
The second child says "I went on a tug-tug boat ride."
"No," the teacher says, "you went on a boat ride."
The third child says, full of pride, "I read a book." "Which one?" asks the teacher.
"Winnie-the-Shit!"

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How do you get into Heaven?
When Tim was just a wee lad, he went regularly to Sunday School. One day, his teacher decided to test Tim to see if he understood the concept of getting to Heaven. She asked him, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?"


"NO!" Tim answered.


"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"


Again, the answer was, "NO!"


By now, the teacher was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!


"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"


Again, Tim answered, "NO!"


The Sunday School teacher was just bursting with pride for him.


Well, she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"


A very confident young Tim shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

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The Bike
A 13 year old boy came home all happy.

His mom asked, "what did you do at school today, hunny?"

"Oh I had sex with my teacher," he said calmly.

The mother began to scream and yell and sent him to his room till his father got home.

When the father came home the mother said distraughtly and close to tears, "Go talk to your son...he had sex with his teacher today!!!!!!!!!"

The dad with the BIG grin on his face walked upstairs.

He asked his son what happened at school and the son told him... "I had sex with my teacher".

The dad said, "Son, I'm so proud of you I'm going to get you that bike you have wanted."

They go out and buy the bike and the dad asked him if he wanted to ride it home and the son replied, "Nah dad my butt is still sore."

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Courtesy of my black high school ethics teacher.
A black man and a white woman are out on a date for the first time. Things are going well and the woman is dying to take the man home. She has never been with a black man before and all of her friends keep telling her how get it is.

She's aggressively flirting with him all night and eventually suggests that they go back to her apartment. He agrees and they grab a cab. By the time they get there, the woman is so hot to trot that she practically shoves him through the front door.

She takes him to her bedroom and then heads into the bathroom to change into sexy lingerie. Thinking about the man in the other room and imagining what how big he could be, the woman gets so turned on she can barely stand it. Finally she feels prepared. Burning with desire, she steps out of the bathroom and tells him: "Alright, now show me what you black men are known for!"

So the man grabs her TV and runs out the door.

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Teacher: What do you do after school?
1st Student: I go and buy weed from Yakobo
2nd Student: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo.
3rd Student: I go and buy cocaine from Yakobo.
4th Student: I always stay at home and do my homework.
Teacher: You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What's your name?
4th Student: Yakoboο»Ώ

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A blonde girl in second grade comes home one day really excited with a large grin on her face,
Running to her mother she says, "Mom!! mom! Today the teacher asked what letter comes after S, and i was the first in class to say T! Is it because I'm smarter?" Her mom sighs, "Yes honey."

The very next day she runs home from school and with a large proud smile on her face she tells her mother, "Guess what mom the teacher gave us a sum 12+15 and i got it right, 27! see see?" She says showing her math book. "Is it because i'm smarter than them mom?" Her mom looks down and sighs once more, "Yes dear."

The following day the blond girl half runs all the way home grinning. Breathlessly she goes to her mother, " Mommy we went swimming today and guess what? All the girls had small titties and look! I had these" She promptly lifts her shirt to reveal two whopping perfectly round full size D breasts. "Is it.. is it because i'm smarter mom?" Her mom sighs and looks the other way. "No honey, it's because you're 24."

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I was teased about my cock size every day of elementary school.
I got called names like teeny weenie, micro-soft, and pickled pecker.

9 year old girls sure can make a teacher feel bad.

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Why was the math teacher late for school?
He took the rhombus

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True Story,
When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my French" just after a swear word. I'll never forget that first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.

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For the Australians out there!
Tony was at school this morning when the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out: Policeman, Fireman, Salesman, etc. But Tony was being uncharacteristically quiet and so teacher asked him about his father.

'My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.'

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little tony aside to ask him if that was really true.
'No' said Tony, 'He plays cricket for Australia, but I was just too embarrassed to say'.

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I Like The Way You Think
One day in school the teacher asks little Johnny,
"If there were five birds on the tree and you shoot two birds with your gun then how many would be left?"
"None because they would all fly away.", replies little Johnny.
"That is incorrect.", says the teacher, "there would be three left, but I like the way you think."

Then little Johnny asks the teacher,
"If there were three women on the bench with an ice cream cone, one bitting on the cone, the other sucking the cone, and the last one licking her cone, which one is married?"
"The one sucking on the cone," guessed the teacher.
"That is incorrect," replies little Johnny," The one with the wedding ring on her finger is married, but I like the way you think."

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Teacher makes a call to her student to inform: "I'm busy tomorrow, so our class will be off"
The student makes a call to his dad immediately: "I'm off tomorrow lets go to picnic!"

The dad makes a call to his secretary immediately: " I'm busy tomorrow, lets postpone our date to the next day!"

The secretary makes a call to her husband: "Honey, i'm not going out on a business trip tomorrow, lets hangout!"

The husband makes a call to the teacher: "Honey, my wife is off tomorrow, you don't come.

The teacher makes another call to the student: "Tomorrow we go to school as usual."

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Seven Year Old Mohammad
Seven year old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.

"What's your name?", asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.


"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike."

Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked

"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike.

"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"

And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.

"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.


"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Muslims."

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My kindergarten-aged daughter...
Suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean t-shirt to class. She told us that the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife practically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one t-shirt that already had something printed on the side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.

That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt. On one side it said, "Families are Forever". And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start".

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Teacher, "Why is your cat in class today?"
Teacher, "Why is your cat in class today?"

Kid, "Because I heard my dad tell my mom, "I'm going to eat that pussy once our son leaves for school today."

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Why did Jimmy bring his cat to school?
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

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Little Johnny
Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher saying he was having trouble telling the difference between boys and girls, and asked for his mother to have a talk with him.

So his mother takes him quietly by the hand, upstairs to the bedroom. "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse" she said to Johnny. So he unbuttons the blouse and takes it off. "Now, take off my skirt", and he takes off her skirt. "Now, take off my bra and panties."

Johnny finishes removing them and his mother says "Johnny, please don't wear my clothes to school anymore."

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A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did
for a living.

"Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.

Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney. But how do you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?"

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"How long should my essay be?"
Back in high school I was in an english class and a fellow student asked the teacher how long our essays should be.

He responded saying, "As long as a girl's skirt: long enough to cover everything that needs to be covered, but short enough to keep me interested."

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49ers Fan
On the first day of school, a first grade teacher explains to her class that she's a Seahawks fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Seahawks fans. Wanting to impress their teacher, everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise, 'Janie, why didn't you raise your hand? 'Because I'm not a Seahawks fan' she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you aren't a Seahawks fan, then who are you a fan of?' 'I'm a 49ers fan, and proud of it,' Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Janie please tell us why you're a 49ers fan?' "Because my mom's a 49ers fan, and my dad's a 49ers fan, so I'm a 49ers fan too!" "Well" said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, 'that's no reason for you to be a 49ers fan. You don't have to be like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was an idiot and your dad was a moron, what would you be?' Janie smiled and said 'I'd be a Seahawks fan.'

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You Should'nt mess with a gambler:P
Johnnie's father took him to class his first day of school. Johnnie's dad pulled the teacher aside and told her, Johnnie has a bad gambling problem so don't make a bet with him you can't win.

The teacher agreed. When the teacher was passing out the text books Johnny said, teach I'll make a bet with you,she replied ok what?
Johnny said I'll bet you fifty dollars I can tell you what color panties you have on.

She agreed and told him after the last bell he was to stay in the room and then he could guess.

while Johnny and the class were at recess the teacher took her panties off and put them in her purse.

When school was out Johnny stayed in the classroom and the teacher locked the door and said okay Johnny what color are they?

He replied yellow. so the teacher raised her dress and said no your wrong, I'm not wearing any. Johnny asked her to walk him out to his dads car and he would get her money.

so as Johnny passed his dad going to the car the teacher told his dad that Johnny finally got beat.
He said what do you mean she said Johnny bet me fifty dollars he could tell me what color panties I had on so I took them off.

The father replied that son of a bitch he bet me a hundred dollars he could see your pussy before the end of the Day.=)) X_X.

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In school, the teacher warns her students...
..."I will not tolerate any excuses for any kind. I might consider a nuclear attack, serious injury or even the death of a relative, but whoever misses this exam will fail the class."

The class's wise-guy says:

"But teacher, what if tomorrow I arrive to class completely exhausted from last night's amazing sex?"

The teacher says:

"Well I guess you'll have to do the exam with your left hand, then."

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No problems
A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence ... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

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Father's Day, at school, and all the students are supposed to make cards...
...by drawing a picture of their father at work.

Teacher asks, "Logan, what does your father do?"

"My dad's a cop. I'm gonna draw him catching a bad guy."

Then the teacher asks, "Briei, what does your father do?"

Briei says, "My dad's a writer. I'm going to draw him with his new book."

Teacher gets to Jake. "And what does your father do, Jake?"

Jake says, "My dad's dead."

"Oh my," Teacher says, "What did your father do before he died?"

"He turned blue and shit on the floor."

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Church
Molly and Charlie were at Sunday school at their local church, and Molly, being tired, began to fall asleep. The Sunday school teacher then proceeded to ask:
''Who came down from heaven to save our souls?''
Charlie sticks a pin in Molly's arm as she wakes up with a start:
''Jesus christ!''
''Well done Molly, thats correct''
Molly then goes back to sleep. The teacher asks her another question:
''Who lives up in heaven and created the earth?''
Charlie again sticks the pin in her arm as she again wakes up:
''God almighty!''
''Correct again Molly''
Molly then goes to sleep for a third time, as the teacher asks her another question:
''What did Eve say to Adam after their 23rd baby?''
Charlie again sticks the pin in her arm as Molly wakes up and shouts:
''If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll snap it in two!''

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The Most Famous Man Who Ever Lived
One day at primary school, the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give 50 cents to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish lad put his hand up and said, "It's Bono!"

The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put up his hand and said, "It's Sean Connery!"

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Harry, that's not right either."

Finally, a little Jewish girl raised her hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Esther. Come up here and I'll give you your 50 cents.

As the teacher was giving Esther her money, she said, "You know Esther, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Esther replied, "I know- in my heart it's Moses, but business is business."

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Wife tells her husband that their 13-year-old son had sex with his teacher...
The wife demands the husband go upstairs and discipline the boy. The husband goes up to the room, shuts the door and says "I heard you had sex with your teacher."
The boy sheepishly says, "yes, dad."
The dad whispers, "You're not in trouble. I'm actually proud of you! I didn't have sex with my teacher until I was a senior in high school! You know that new bike you wanted? Let's go get it."
So the dad takes the boy to the bike shop and buys him the new bike.
"How about you ride your new bike home, son," says the dad proudly.
"Naw, that's okay," the son replies. "My ass is still a little sore."

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Little Johny
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Johnny says " Mas-ter-bate."

Ms Hall smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Billy says, "No, Miss Hall, you're thinking of a blowjob."

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Little Johnny
At school one day, Little Johnny's teacher asks the class to use the word contagious in a sentence…

Cindy raises her hand. Yes, Cindy? She answers, I was at the dentist's office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.

Very good, Cindy! the teacher said, Anyone else want to try? Samantha raises her hand. Yes, Samantha? She answers, My dad tells me not to yawn because then everybody else yawns. He says yawning is contagious.

Excellent work, Samantha! Very creative, the teacher praises. Okay, one more volunteer. Little Johnny raises his hand. Yes, Johnny?

Well, he says, I was helping my dad in the yard last week, and we saw the neighbor painting his house. He was using a small brush, so I asked my dad, 'Daddy, why is he using such a small brush?' and he says, 'I don't know son, but it's gonna take that contagious.'

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My music teacher at school told me never to hit a drum again or I could get in serious trouble.
I did, and he was right. There was serious re-percussions

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When I was in school, my math teacher called me average.
It was mean.

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The kids at middle school are studying WWII...
... and little Timmys grandpa, who was a fighter pilot in the war, is invited to class to tell about his experiences. He reminisces:

"Now, the worst situation I was ever in, was probably when I encountered a German air wing all by myself. I had one Fokker above me, one Fokker behind me and one Fokker off to my right, so I..."

The class begins to snicker uncontrollably so teacher steps in.

"Now, class, before you start getting ideas, Fokker was the name of a German aeroplane manufacturer. Isn't that right, sir?"

"Yes, Ma'am!... these particular Fokkers were flying Messerschmidts, though..."

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Adam and Eve
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior," but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue, and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!

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A boy comes home after school one day
A boy comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.

She asks, Did anything special happen at school today?

Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!

The mother is stunned. You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home.

Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he
walks over to his son and says, Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher.

That's right, Dad.

Well, you became a man todayβ€”this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream,
and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for.

That sounds great, Dad, but can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me.

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I had sex with my teacher...
Today after school my teacher asked me to stay after for a little while, one thing led to another and we had sex but as we were finishing the principal interrupted and called my mother. My mother had to pick me up from school and all she said was "just wait until your father gets home." Once my father got home he came into my room and said "son, was your teacher at least good looking?" Which I replied "yes" and to my surprise my father said "you know what son I'm proud of you and because of that I'm going to buy you that new bike you wanted!" My dad went out and got the bike and when he got back we both just kind of looked at the bike when he asked "well aren't you going to ride it?" and I replied "No my butt still kinda hurts"

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During a class on good manners...
and etiquette being held at an all boys school the teacher says to her students:

If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the restroom, what would you say to her?

Little Mike replies: Wait a minute, I gotta go take a piss.

The teacher says: That would be very rude and improper on your part.

Little Charlie chimes in with his attempt: I'm sorry. I need to go to the toilet. I'll be back soon.

The teacher says: That's much better but to mention the word 'toilet' during a meal may come across as unpleasant.

Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend with whom I hope to be able to introduce you to after dinner.

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A kindergarten teacher asked her students to talk about what they did during the recent school holidays.
She asked them to use "grown-up words" as opposed to baby language.

The first little one said he went to see his "nana." The teacher said, "No! You went to see your 'grandmother.' Use grown-up words."

The next little one said she went for a trip on a "choo choo." The teacher said again, "No! You went on a 'train.' That's the grown-up word."

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he had done during the recent school holidays. He proudly stated that he head read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed up his chest and in a very adult way replied, "WINNIE THE SHIT!"

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A teacher does a quiz with her class.
She asks the children:" So guys what walks on four legs and hurts to touch?" So one kid goes:" A hedgehog" the teacher responds:" I was thinking of a porcupine, but I like the way that you think, next question, what has wheels and takes me to school?" The same kid answers:" Your car". "It is my bike, but I like the way you think", the teacher says. So the kid asks if he can say a question and the teacher accepts. "What is hard, has a red head, and when you rub it right, its head explodes" the kid goes. The teacher turns red and angrily says that the kid will have detention. The kid just says:" It is a matchstick, but I like the way you think".

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A Sunday School teacher was teaching her young students
When she decided to ask them where Jesus lives. A young little girl raises her hand and says "Jesus lives in heaven with God!" A young boy says "Jesus lives in our hearts!" The teacher was quite pleased with their answers until she saw Little Johnny raise his hand. She calls on Johnny and he says "Jesus lives in my bathroom." The teacher was confused so she asked him where he got his answer from, too which he replies "Every morning I hear my daddy go to the bathroom and yell Jesus Christ, are you still in there?"

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Oh little Timmy..
The teacher asks Timmy:

"Why is your cat at school today?"

Timmy says, crying:

"Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' So I'm saving him!"

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Tomorrow's Final Exam
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate many excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury
or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the
student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to
write the exam with your other hand."

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The pretty teacher was concerned with
one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love." the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"

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Little Johnny at school
The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"

The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?

Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."

"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."

Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."

The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."

Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"

The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"

Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely shit my pants."

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A grade school teacher asks her students what their parents do for a living.
Billy proudly stands up and announces, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."


The teacher is aghast and promptly changes the subject. Later that day, she calls Billy's mother and explains what Billy said.


Billy's mother says, "Actually, his father's an attorney, but how can we explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

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3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven...
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are talking about you, what would you like them to say?

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!

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A teacher was called in by the police for accusations of child molestation
"What is your name sir?"

"Mark Stephens"

"How old are you?"

"37 years old"

"And what do you do for a living?"

"I teach school chilren"

"Come again?"

"I teach school chilren"

"Do you mean children?"

"What?"

"You said chilren, you forgot the D"

"Oh no, I put the D in children later"

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Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says... NSFW
"Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!"

Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?"

Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful."

Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

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Today at school, my teacher said I needed to stop doing my impression of a Flamingo
That's when I had to put my foot down.

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Superman grandpa
On the first day of school the teacher asks the children to go home and ask for a family history story that has a morale in it. So one child comes to school the next day and tells the teacher this: you see, my grandpa was a bomber pilot. His plane was shot and he had to bail out. On his body was an empty bottle of whiskey, a knife and a gun. When he landed there were 20 enemy guards waiting for him. He killed fifteen men with the gun. Until it ran out of bullets. Killed 3 guys with his knife until the blade broke off, then killed the last 2 with his bare hands. Then the teacher reply's that was a very violent story and what was the morale?

Stay away from grandpa when he's drunk.

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Little April in Sunday school...
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"

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Little Johnny skipped school one day...
and since his house was next to his school, the teacher decided to visit Little Johnny's parents the next day after school, but his granddad was the only adult home. When he saw the teacher coming he said "Johnny! Your teacher is coming, hide and I will say you aren't here. "No," Little Johnny replied "you go hide. I told the teacher that I went to your funeral."

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Skipping School
Grandpa: "Go hide, your teacher is here because you skipped school today!"

Boy: "No you go hide. I told her you were dead!"

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I also heard a dick joke at church camp
One Sunday morning, there was a girl named Sarah sitting in Sunday school when she fell asleep. The teacher called on Sarah and asked "who in the Bible turned water into wine?" The boy next to Sarah poked her with a pencil and she woke up and shouted "Jesus!" "Very good. Now can you tell me who created the world?" Sarah had fallen back asleep so the boy poked her with the pencil again and she woke up and yelled "God!" "Very good. Now who can tell me what Abrahams wife said after they had their 11th child." The boy poked Sarah again. "If you poke me with that one more time, I'm going to snap it in half."

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Bored on lunch, here's one I tell often.
Two hillbilly kids.. Darla and Buckwheat are at school The teacher asks Darla, 'How do you spell 'dumb'?"
Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb."
The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."
She responds, "Buckwheat is dumb."

"Now spell 'stupid'."
Darla says, "s-t-u-p-i-d."
The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."
Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."

Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and asks, "Buckwheat, spell dictate."
Buckwheat stands up and says, otay, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."

The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in the a sentence."

"I may be dumb, I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"

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Just heard this on the radio. May the censors have mercy on their soul. [NSFW]
On a Sunday school, the teacher asks the class: "Class, what body party goes to heaven first?"

One kid answers, "It's the feet!"

"Why is it the feet?" the confused teacher asks.

The kid replies, "Because last night I found Mommy with her feet in the air screaming 'Oh God yes...heaven...I'm coming!' "

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Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says...
"Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."

Ms Hall smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's quite a mouthful."

Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Hall, you're thinking of a blowjob."

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Little Johnny
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"

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Mary is sitting in Sunday school...
She had a long night, so she was dozing off. The teacher asks "Who is the creator of the world and all its creatures?"

A kid sitting behind Mary starts poking her with a pencil. She wakes up and turns around and yells "My GOD!"

The teacher says she is correct and Mary dozes off again. The teacher proceeds to ask the class "Who is the son of God?"

The kid pokes Mary again with a pencil, she again wakes up, turns around and yells "JESUS CHRIST!"

The teacher tells her she is correct and Mary dozes off yet again. Later The teacher then asks the class "What did Eve say to Adam after they had they're 13th child?"

Once again the kid pokes Mary with his pencil. She wakes up, turns around, and yells "IF YOU POKE ME WITH THAT THING ONE MORE TIME I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!"

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Little Mary was not the best student...
in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, 'Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, and altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed it in her rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary and the teacher said, 'Very good,' and Mary slowly fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, 'Who is our Lord and Saviour?' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

'Jesus Christ!' yelled Mary and the teacher said, 'Very good,' and Mary slowly fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Marh a third question. 'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her 23rd child?' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Mary jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The teacher fainted.

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Grandpa looks at his grandson and says, "Go hide! Your teacher is here because you skipped school today."
The grandson says, "No, you go hide. I told her you were dead!"

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A Jewish kid's parents sent him to a Jewish school
After a week he was kicked for bad behavior, so they sent him to another Jewish school. He was kicked from there as well, so they chose to send him to a Catholic school instead.

After a month they came to a school meeting, and the teachers praised the kid and said he does really well.

They asked the kid what was up. He said that at his first day at school, while they were showing him around, the teacher showed him a man hanged on a cross and said "See? He was Jewish too".

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I've slept with every school teacher I've ever had.
Yep, home schooling has its perks.

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TOP LITTLE JOHNNY JOKES THAT ARE SCHOOL

Funniest Little Johnny at school jokes. Little Johnny's experiences in school with food, teachers, cops, dad, other students or animals.

Little Mary came back home after school and said,
"Mommy, today during the school break Johnny kissed me on my lips!"
The mother asked indignantly but in surprise,
"And how did this happen?"
"It was not easy, but three of my classmates helped me to hold him firm."

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Johnny comes back home from school and tells his father, "Dad, tomorrow you are invited to a special parent meetings at school."
"How much special?"
"Well, just me, you, the director and two investigators from the FBI."

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Little Johnny comes home from school, and his mom asks: "

Johnny, how did it go with your exam? Was written or oral?"
And Johnny says: "Mom, I think it was anal... 'Cuz it went like shit!"

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Sunday school teacher asks Johnny, "

Come now, Little Johnny, tell me the truth, do you say your prayers before eating?"
Little Johnny smiles proudly, "No Miss, there's no need, my mom cooks really well."

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Little Johnny comes home and tells his daddy, "

Dad, tomorrow there's a special 'Adults' evening' at school.
Daddy is surprised, "Really? Special?"
"Yes," nods Johnny, "it will be just you, the teacher, the headmaster and two police officers."

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Little Johnny was walking down the hallway at school.


When he reaches his classroom he looks inside and sees a sub instead of his regular teacher.
Johnny sits down and the teacher says, β€œNow students, my name is Ms. Prussy. Not the other word, this word has an r after the first letter.” Johnny started laughing.
An hour later he forgot her name and said, β€œYour name has an r after the first letter is it Ms. Crunt?”

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Little Johnny took sex ed and every day when little Johnny would come in from school he'll tell his dad for learning sex ed well one day we'll just come in and he said that I got thrown out sex ed Lil Johnny's daddy says how do you get thrown out sex ed Little Johnny said well Dad I got in trouble for eating during class.

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Today in lesson Little Jonny went to the back of the room and Miss McRacen went "

Not in the back."
Jonny: "That's what she said."
Miss: "Get out!"
Jonny "She said that too."

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Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.


Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.
β€œWait a minute,” she said. β€œI had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.”

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Little Johnny asks the teacher, "

Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven't done?"
Mrs Roberts is shocked, "Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair!"
Little Johnny is relieved, "OK Mrs Roberts, sorry, I haven't done my homework."

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Early one morning a mother went to wake up her son.


"Wake up, son.
It's time to go to school!"
"Buy why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I *should* go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"

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One day, Little Johnny was with his father at home.


He asked: "What does "evolution" mean?"
His father replied, "Figure it out."
Next day, at school, during a math test, a boy raised his hand: "What's 289+308?"
The teacher said: "Figure it out."
Ten minutes later, Little Johnny looked at the boy and said: "Why don't you write "evolution"? Your teacher already told you!"

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Johnny comes home from school and asks his mom what is a "

period".
His mom says that "A period is when a woman needs to realease her dead egg cells".
Johnny asks what color is it.
She says it's red.
Johnny said "I have one of those but mine is white and it makes babies."

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Little Johnny came home after school:
"Daddy, I have a bad grade in English language.

"
"Why?" asked his father.
"Well, the teacher asked us the following question: "Mary entered the forest with John and came out of the forest with Mike. What is Mary?"
"How come what Mary is? A whore, of course," said the father.
"That's what I said, but the teacher answered Mary was a subject."

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Little Johnny's father farted.
The son asked his father: "What was that?"
His father said: "My sweet that is 'north wind'"
When he went to school the teacher asked the class: "Who knows the direction of the north wind?
Little Johnny shouted: "My daddy's ass!"

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The Sunday School Teacher asks, β€œNow, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”
β€œNo sir,” Little Johnny replies, β€œI don’t have to, my mom is a good cook!”

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β€žAnd, Johnny? How did your school report turn out?"

asks mother.
β€žCome on mom, the most important thing is that I'm healthy!"

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At school, a soldier spoke to Johnny'

s class.
Johnny felt enthusiastic about joining the military, so he went home and told his dad.
To his surprise, this was the biggest step forward in his life, so his dad decided to explain the military to him.
"Son, I'll teach you what you need to know about the military.
The Army and Navy are the only two REAL branches of our military.
The Marine Corps is a cult.
The Coast Guard is playing a game called 'Pretend Navy Since 1915'."

So Johnny asks his dad, "what about the Air Force?"
Johnny's dad explained to him, "well son, the Air Force is like a giant corporation.
Just a bunch of people sitting at desks playing Flight Simulator and bullshitting with each other."

By that time, Johnny was amazed and decided he wanted to join the military, but wanted to know what his daddy did.
"What did you do in the military, dad?"
"Well son, I spoke Chinese and shot at the Americans in Vietnam."

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Little Johnny in Math Class.
One day little Johnny was sitting in math class.
The teacher asked him, "there are 3 crows on a fence the farmer shoots one how many are left?"
Little Johnny replied "none."
Confused the teacher asked again.
"Johnny, there are 3 crows on the fence the farmer shoots 1 how many are left?"
Johnny replies "0."
Teacher says, "ok Little Johnny how are you getting this."
Little Johnny replies, "if 1 crow dies then the other two fly away, 0 crows left."
Teacher says "that's not the correct answer but I like the way your thinking."
Little Johnny replies, "ok teach, there 3 girls in an ice-cream parlor.
One is sucking the cone, one is licking the cone, and the other is biting the cone, which one is married?"
The teacher replies, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
Little Johnny says, "no bitch it's the one with the ring on her finger but, I like the way your thinking."

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A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.
So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He’s in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He’s in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.
He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well… every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

After Sunday school, the teacher released the kids to go to church and reminded them, "

You all know to be very nice and quiet in the church. And why is that?"Β 
Little Johnny offers, "Miss, it's so we wouldn't wake all those people sleeping."

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Little Johnny was at school one day when the teacher asked the kids if they could use the word definitely in a sentence.
Well the first little girl raised her hand and said, "Well the trees are definitely green."
The teacher said "No not really because the trees turn yellow red and brown in the fall."
The next little boy raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher said, "No not really because the sky can be all different colors."
From the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand and asked, "Do farts have lumps?"
The teacher said, "No Johnny of course not, that’s silly."
Then Johnny said, "Well then I definitely shit my pants!"

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Teacher: "Why did youΒ laugh?"
Boy: "I saw a strap of yourΒ bra."
Teacher: "Get out! Don'tΒ come to class for the nextΒ 1 week. Another boyΒ laughs..."
Teacher: "Why did youΒ laugh?"
Boy: "I saw both straps ofΒ your bra."
Teacher: "Get out! Don'tΒ come to class for next 1Β month."
The teacher bendsΒ to pick a chalk and littleΒ Johnny starts walking outΒ of the class.
Teacher: "Why are youΒ going out?"
Johnny: "With what I saw IΒ think my school days areΒ over."

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Little Johnny is sitting in class, the teacher is going over vocabulary words.


She asks the class to use a word in a sentence.
The teacher says the word is "contagious".
Johnny is waving his arm up and down, no other students have their arm up.
The teacher figures there is no way Johnny can come up something rude for this word, and she calls his name to use the word in a sentence.
Johnny says the other day, my dad and I were driving down the freeway and woman was painting a billboard, she was using a very small brush.
The teacher says "what does this have to do the word contagious?"
Johnny says "my dad turned to me and said: 'Son it is going to take that "cunt-ages" to paint that billboard with that little brush!'"
The teacher says, "never again!"

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Little Johnny was always late for school.


When asked why he said he had to eat his popsicle.
Without thinking the teacher told him to eat half his popsicle and save the other half in his pocket.
Next day Johnny was on time.
The teacher had history class.
"What are the people in Asia called", she asked a student.
"Asians", said the student.
"What are the people in Africa called".
"Africans" said the student.
Then she asked Johnny, "What are the people in Europe called", but Johnny didn't know so the girl behind him whispered, "Euro pean."
To that Johnny said, "No I'm not, that's just my popsicle."

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At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach the topic of sex education and asked her students if they'd ever seen anything that was related to sex education on TV.
Mary raised her hand and said she had seen a movie about women having babies.
"Great," said the teacher, "that's very important."
Then Judy raised her hand and told the teacher she had seen a TV show about people getting married.
"Well, that has to do with it too," said the teacher.
Then Johnny raised his hand and said he had seen a western where some Indians came riding over the hill and John Wayne shot them all.
The teacher said, "Well, Johnny, that really doesn't have anything to do with sex education."
"Yes it does," said Johnny, " it taught those Indians not to f**k with John Wayne."

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Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.
The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations.
The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever.
The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late.
Johnny says, "I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn't clean it and freeze it, my mom would've been angry. That's why I'm so late".
The teacher promptly takes him to the principal's office and explains the story to the principal.
The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day.
He says, "I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?"
Johnny replies, "Oh yeah, that's my dog Sparky. That's his third bear this week."

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Little Johnny was at school one day, when he noticed that there was a large crowd of kids gathered around Little Billy.
Little Johnny walks up to Little Billy and says "Hey what's all the excitement about",
Little Billy says "Just showing everyone my new watch".
Little Johnny goes "Wow, that's a cool watch where did you get it?"
Little Billy says "Well, I walked in on my mom and dad having sex over the weekend, and my dad was so mad he gave me spanking and sent me to my room".
The next day, he feel guilty about what he had done and went and bought me this cool Watch.
This gives Little Johnny a good idea.
Later that night, when Little Johnny was sent to bed, he stayed up listening and waiting for his mom and dad to go to bed.
Once he starts hearing noises coming from their room he runs down the hall, throws their bedroom door open, and yells "I want a watch!"
His dad looks over to Johnny and says "Well okay, but sit in the corner and be quiet!"

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So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.
One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."
She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.
After class is over and the studentsclear out, Johnny makes his guess.
"Blue."
"Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.
"Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out.
When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

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A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

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Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused.


His mother was Jewish and his father was Hispanic.
So Johnny says, "Mum, am I more Jewish or more Hispanic?"
"What does it really matter? You’ll just have to ask your father", his mother tells him.
So Johnny’s father gets home from work and Johnny asks the same question,
"Dad, am I more Jewish or more Hispanic?"
"What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want to know if you’re more Jewish or more Hispanic?" asks his dad.
"Well, it’s like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, I don’t know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait till dark and steel the fucking thing!"

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TOP KIDS JOKES THAT ARE SCHOOL

Top jokes about kids in school, every one of the funnier than the previous.

Virginity in school
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

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I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment
So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead

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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...
Little bastards didn't stand a chance…

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Why are parents so bad at discussing sex with their kids?
When I was ten-years-old, I saw two dogs shagging in the street and asked my Mum what they were doing.


Dancing, she replied.


The first school dance I went to, I got fucking expelled.

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Hey girl are you a school?
Because I want to shoot kids inside you.

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In high school some kids told me they'd give me $20 to hang out with them.
Turns out it was just clique bait.

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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground...
Being the only adult around, I had to step in.

They didn't stand a chance.

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Vladimir Putin making a school visit...
Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Alina puts her hand up and says "I have two questions"
"Why did the Russians take Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?"
Putin says "Good questions" But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch.

When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Tatiana, puts her hand up and says "I have Four questions"

"My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And Where is Alina?"

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There is this African-American kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the white kids better than the kids of color.
So he goes home and paints himself white and shows his dad. "Hey dad look im white!"

His dad kicks his ass, and says "Alright go show your mother."

The kid goes "Hey mom look im white!"

His mom beats the shit out of him then tells him to go show his grandma.

The kid again goes "Hey grandma look im white", she beats his ass and sends him to his room.

About an hour later all the family comes to his room and says "Have you learned anything from this?"

The kid says "Yeah I've learned that I've only been white for an hour and I already hate 3 black people."

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Blonde schoolgirl
Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day Jenny came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24

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I wear headphones now when I masturbate.
Its mostly to drown out the voices on the bus; people saying things like, "You should be more responsible, you're the driver." I'm like, "You know what lady, I get your kids to school on time, Monday through Friday."

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Germany opens a summer school for kids with ADD
Its a concentration camp

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I always tell my kids to stay in school...
but they keep fucking coming back.

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a guy picking up his kids at school sees another kid and says loudly "god, what an ugly kid!"
The person standing next to him says "he's my son..."

The guy, pretty embarassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father"

"I'm his mom..."

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It's the first day of school, and the teacher announces to the class that they will learn to speak like grownups this year.
To demonstrate, she asks the kids what they did this summer. The first child says, "I went on a choo-choo train ride."
"No," the teacher says, "you went on a train ride."
The second child says "I went on a tug-tug boat ride."
"No," the teacher says, "you went on a boat ride."
The third child says, full of pride, "I read a book." "Which one?" asks the teacher.
"Winnie-the-Shit!"

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I was dropping my kids off at school when I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children."
I'm going to miss them, but man this is a nice Rolex.

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Every year, hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime school...
...never to be heard from again.

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Just saw two elementary school kids in a fistfight...
So as an adult, I had to step in.

They didn't stand a chance.

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Every Friday, Ms. Jane ends class a little early...
and plays a game with the kids. She will read off famous quotes, and if one of the students in her 5th grade class can correctly name who said it, they get to leave school a little early. Today the quotes would come from US Presidents. She saw Tommy, who always won this game, sitting in the back, at attention, ready to go home early. She made note to try and let some other people win today.

The first quote she read was "Speak softly and carry a big stick." Immedietly, little Tommy's hand shot up. She glanced around the room and saw Sara meekly raising her hand, so she picked her. "Who said that, Sara?" Sara correctly responded Teddy Roosevelt, so Ms. Jane let her go home early.

The next quote was "My fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country." Tommy's hand went right up again, but so did Karen's. Ms. Jane picked Karen, who correctly said John F. Kennedy, so she was allowed to leave early.

As Ms. Jane looked down, she heard from the back of the classroom, "Jesus, I wish these bitches would just keep their goddamn mouths shut!" Horrified, she looked up and asked who said that. Tommy raised his hand and said "Bill Clinton, can I go home now?"

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A boy is in a CVS with his dad...
A boy is in a CVS with his dad. While in line at the pharmacy, the boy notices something in a box that resembles balloons. Curious, the boy asks his dad about these balloons in the box. "Well, those are condoms, son," the boy's dad replies. "What are condoms used for, dad?" replied the little boy. "They are used so men can practice safe sex," said the father. The boy asks his dad who would use the box of three. The boy's dad replies, "Those are for high school kids. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." The boy then spots a box of six and asks his dad about those. "Those are for college kids son. They use two on Friday, two on Saturday and two on Sunday." The boy then asks, "Well what about the box of twelve?" To which the boy's dad replied, "Those are for married men like myself, son. One for January, one for February, one for March....."

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I saw two kids fighting in the elementary school playground this morning. Being the only adult around, I had to step in.
They did not stand a chance.

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Are you a school?
Cause I wanna shoot kids inside you

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Sex education
Dave's wife said to him, "If our kids are old enough to ask a question about sex, then they are old enough to be told a truthful answer."
Just then his son came home from school and asked him what a blow job was.
"Son," said Dave, "I can't remember."

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Waking up on a Monday morning...
On a Monday morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up son. It's time to got to school!"
"But mom, I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why."
"Well, the kids hate me, and the teachers hate me too!"
"That's no reason. Come now get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go?"
"Well for one you are 52 years old. And for another, you're the principal!".

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I saw two kids fighting on an elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...
They didn't stand a chance...

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Three women are going back to visit the Catholic school that they grew up in, and they find the nun who taught them as children.
"So what have you young ladies been doing with your lives?" the nun asks.

The first woman responds, "Well, I've become an engineer, I'm married and I have three kids."

The second woman says, "I've become an accountant, and I'm happily married with two children!"

The third woman slowly responds, "Well... Um, I'm... I'm a prostitute..."

"You're a WHAT???" says the nun, furiously.

"Well... I'm a prostitute."

"Oh, thank God," the nun says, "I thought you said you were a Protestant!"

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Why don't kids play fortnite in school?
It's hard to make out where the gunshots are actually coming from

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Little Johnny
At school one day, Little Johnny's teacher asks the class to use the word contagious in a sentence…

Cindy raises her hand. Yes, Cindy? She answers, I was at the dentist's office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.

Very good, Cindy! the teacher said, Anyone else want to try? Samantha raises her hand. Yes, Samantha? She answers, My dad tells me not to yawn because then everybody else yawns. He says yawning is contagious.

Excellent work, Samantha! Very creative, the teacher praises. Okay, one more volunteer. Little Johnny raises his hand. Yes, Johnny?

Well, he says, I was helping my dad in the yard last week, and we saw the neighbor painting his house. He was using a small brush, so I asked my dad, 'Daddy, why is he using such a small brush?' and he says, 'I don't know son, but it's gonna take that contagious.'

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The kids at middle school are studying WWII...
... and little Timmys grandpa, who was a fighter pilot in the war, is invited to class to tell about his experiences. He reminisces:

"Now, the worst situation I was ever in, was probably when I encountered a German air wing all by myself. I had one Fokker above me, one Fokker behind me and one Fokker off to my right, so I..."

The class begins to snicker uncontrollably so teacher steps in.

"Now, class, before you start getting ideas, Fokker was the name of a German aeroplane manufacturer. Isn't that right, sir?"

"Yes, Ma'am!... these particular Fokkers were flying Messerschmidts, though..."

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Yesterday I saw some kid getting ganged up behind the school by 4 other kids.
As a senior, I have experienced bullying myself so I immediately jump in.

That kid got no chance against 4 of us.

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What about the kids?
A catholic school catches on fire and two priests first notice the flames & smoke.

"We gotta get outta here!" Says the first one.

"What about the kids?" Asks the second.

"Fuck the kids!" The first exclaims.

"But, do we have time?"

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Oh little Timmy..
The teacher asks Timmy:

"Why is your cat at school today?"

Timmy says, crying:

"Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' So I'm saving him!"

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blondes
A girl came skipping home from school one day. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde? the girl said. Yes, it's because you're blonde, said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy? Yes, it's because you're blonde. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these! And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. Very good, said her embarrassed mother. Is it because I'm blonde, mommy? No Honey, it's because you're 24.

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Two priests are on a plane
So two priests are flying with a planeload of Sunday school kids to the Vatican to meet the Pope. Halfway across the Atlantic the pilot tells them that the plane is going to crash and that there are only two parachutes.

One priest turns to the other and says, grab the chutes and we'll jump!

What about the children? Replies the other priest.

Fuck the children! Yells the older priest.

The younger one says, do you think we have time?

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Bored on lunch, here's one I tell often.
Two hillbilly kids.. Darla and Buckwheat are at school The teacher asks Darla, 'How do you spell 'dumb'?"
Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb."
The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."
She responds, "Buckwheat is dumb."

"Now spell 'stupid'."
Darla says, "s-t-u-p-i-d."
The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."
Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."

Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and asks, "Buckwheat, spell dictate."
Buckwheat stands up and says, otay, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."

The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in the a sentence."

"I may be dumb, I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"

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Every year, kids are being shipped off to mime school...
Never to be heard from again.

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The Kindergartener
A girl came skipping home from school one day. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy? Yes, it's because you're blonde, her mother replied. The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy? Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these! And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. Very good, said her embarrassed mother. Is it because I'm blonde, mommy? No, it's because you're 25.

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2 Reasons Why I Should go to School
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.

"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"

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A private school dance...
There are two private middle schools having a school dance together in on of the school's gyms. One is an all girls' school, and the other is an all boys' school.

All of the kids are dancing in the middle of the school's gym and having a pretty good time...except for one girl with a peg leg and one boy with a wooden eye.

After about a half an hour of standing on opposite sides of the gym, the boy finally musters up the courage to speak to the girl.

The boy says to her "Hi I think you're very pretty, would you like to dance with me?"

Excited, the girl sweetly says "Would I!"

After a moment, the boy growls back at her "peg leg!"

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John and Jane were on their way home from school when they heard some kids using some swear words, hell and damn .
They decided to see what would happen if they used them at home, and the next morning, they acted on their plan.

As they sat down at the table, their mother asked Jane what she would like for breakfast.

How about some of them damn Cheerios?

Appalled, her mother smacked her across the face. Hands on her hips, she turned to John.

And you, young man? What would you like for breakfast?

Lip quivering, John replied, I don't know, but it sure as hell won't be any of those damn Cheerios!

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Hey baby, are you a school?
Because I want to shoot kids inside of you

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I don't believe in hitting my children as punishment...
So I send them to school in a Justin Beiber shirt and Crocs and let the other kids beat them instead

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Donald Trump visits an elementary school
"You know I am one of the most intelligent people in the world, good genes very very smart brain. Let's see how smart you are kids: A limusine goes from the white house to TRUMP TOWER at 20 streets per minute. What's my age?"

The whole class stayed in silence. Nobody saw any logic in the question. A single boy raised his arm and answered.

"70 years old."

"Good boy, very smart. You are the second smartest person in this room. Now, explain to the rest of the class how you solved the problem."

"Mr. President, my uncle is 35 years old and he's only half retard."

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A week before Memorial Day, kids bring pictures of veteran family members to school for show and tell.
First up was Mary. "My daddy served in Afghanistan. He was a paratrooper."

"A paratrooper?" Asked the teacher, who was awed.

"Yes, please look closer -- you can see his jump badge."

Second was Joe. "My granny served in Vietnam. She was a doctor."

"A doctor?" Asked the teacher, who was moved.

"Yeah, see? That's a stethoscope hanging around her neck."

Third was little Johnny, "This is my great grandpa. He was an electrician."

"An electrician?" Asked the teacher, who was perplexed.

"Yeah, here. You can see the two lightning bolts on his helmet"

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A kid has a pear-shaped head
The poor kid is feeling down because everyone at school teases him about his pear-shaped head. One day he can no longer take the teasing and says to the kids teasing him, "I can't help having a pear-shaped head, my mom ate a pear when she was pregnant with me."
"That's not how it works," one of the other kids said. "My mom ate a scratched disc when she was pregnant with me and nothing...nothing...nothing...nothing...nothing...nothing...nothing...happened."

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The president is visiting a school
The president was doing a tour of the nation campaigning and one day he stopped at a school to give a presentation to the kids. After finishing the presentation, he took questions from the kids. One little girl raised he hand and asked, "What is a tradgedy?"
"That's a very good question." The president said. "Can anybody answer it.
Another little girl raised her hand. "If a group of kids were clmbing down a cliff, and their ropes broke, and they fell and died, that would be a tradgedy."
"No," replied the president, "that would be a horrible accident. Would anyone else like to guess what a tradgedy is?"
A boy in the back of the room raised his hand. "If a bus full of students slipped on a banana peel and fell off a cliff, that would be a tradgedy."
"No," replied the president, "that would be a great loss. Does anyone else have a guess."
An older boy raised his hand. "Mr. President," he said, "if you were flying and your plane crashed and you died, that would be a tradgedy."
"Yes," said the president. "Can you tell me why that would be a tradgedy?"
"Because," said the boy, "it wouldn't be a great loss, and it sure as hell wouldn't be an accident."

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Son: "Dad, the kids at school keep telling me that I'm ugly. Is it true that I'm ugly?"
Father: (*grinding teeth*) "I fucking told you not to call me *dad* in public."

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Why do so many kids die in school shootings?
They aren't allowed to run in the hallways.

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A priest and a rabbi walk by a burning school.
The priest asks "should we help the kids"? The rabbi says "no, fuck the kids". The priest says "do you think we'll have time"?

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Four high school kids who carpooled together decided to skip school and spend the day fishing.
The next day they told the teacher that they had had a flat tire, and couldn't make it to class.

Much to their relief, she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a pop quiz yesterday, so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down.

Once they were seated and ready, she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"Β 

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I don't want to get up, Papa.
An elderly gentleman knocks on his son's bedroom door. John, he says, wake up!

John answers, I don't want to get up, Papa.

The father shouts, Get up, you have to go to school.

John says, I don't want to go to school.

Why not? asks the father.

Three reasons, says John. First, because it's so dull; second, the kids tease me; and third, I hate school.

And the father says, Well, I am going to give you three reasons why you must go to school. First, because it is your duty; second, because you are forty-five years old, and third, because you are the headmaster.

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How to keep kids from acting up in class
A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence ... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

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What do Mexican kids read in middle school?
Tequila Mockingbird.

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Hey girl, are you a school?
Because I want to shoot kids inside you.

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Lifesavers
A elementary school teacher is teaching her students about the 5 senses. For taste, she gives them each lifesavers. The kids guess what flavor they are. They go through cherry, grape, and apple. The last one the teacher gives out is honey flavored. None of the kids can guess the flavor. Trying to give them a hint, the teacher says "it's something your mother probably calls your father". suddenly a little girl spits out her lifesaver and calls out "EWWWW THEY'RE ASSHOLES"

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A teacher starts working at a new school
A teacher starts working at a new school. He soon finds out that one of the kids is always being bullied and picked on. Everyone calls this kid "Manny the Fool". During one of the breaks he asks some of the students how Manny earned his nickname. The kids laugh and offer a demonstration. They call Manny over and offer him two coins - a quarter and a silver dollar. Without thinking Manny picks the quarter and runs away. The kids all laugh at this and go back to their lessons.

Bewildered, the teacher calls "Manny the Fool" over and asks him, "Manny, why did you take the quarter? Don't you know that the silver dollar is worth more?"

"Yeah," says Manny, "but if I take the silver dollar, they will stop giving me money."

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Timmy brings his cat to school
The teacher asks Timmy "why is your cat at school today?" Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' so I'm saving him!"

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A boy is at school...
A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"

The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."

The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"

The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"

The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

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Offensive Joke: The principal of my daughter's elementary school wanted to talk me about her behavior.
Apparently she was making racist remarks towards the black kids in her class and insulting them.


I must say I am terrified and very disappointed, she isn't even allowed to talk to them.

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Busted!
A couple days ago a couple kids in high school were busted behind their school. One was eating firecrackers and the other was drinking battery acid.

They were taken to court by the police. The judge thought long and hard what their punishment should be, but just ended up charging the one, and he let the other one off.

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Obama goes to an elementary school to talk to the kids...
Obama goes to an elementary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up

his hand and Obama asks him his name.

" Stanley ," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley ?"

"I have 4 questions:

First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of Congress?

Second, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all

Americans don't have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that 's right: question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have 6 questions.

First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of Congress?

Second, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all

Americans don't have health insurance?

Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

And sixth, what the f**k happened to Stanley?"

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A Lawyer a Priest and a Rabbi.....
are driving behind a school bus when it suddenly runs off the road and flips over. The rabbi looks at the other two and says, "We must go out and help the children." The lawyer responds, "Screw those kids." To which the priest replies, "Do you think we have time?"

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A school teacher with her class, a lawyer and priest were on a plane.
The pilot announces that they have lost power in the engine and that they will have to use parachutes to jump from the plane.

The teacher says "let the kids go first!"

The lawyer says "screw the kids!"

The priest asks "do we have time!?"

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my pre school guitar teacher...
got in trouble for fingering A minor, but he wasn't as bad as bad as my pre school violin teacher...he fiddled with kids... but both were not nearly as bad as my pre school piano teacher....who raped me in the mouth

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Walking the Dog... Who says dads can't think on their feet? And the innocence of little kids ...
A little girl asked her Mom,
"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies,
"No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says,
"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
Being old school he took a rag, soaked it with a little
gasoline, and dabbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said,
"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go
one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no
dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down
the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

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Why didn't kids make fun of argon in high school?
They never got a reaction out of him.

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I'm off to pick the kids up from school.
Before their parents get there.

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A Priest and a Rabbi...
A Priest and a Rabbi run out of a burning school, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and says, "What about the kids?!"

The Rabbi says "Fuck the kids!"

The Priest replies, "Do you think we'll have time?".

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Little Johnny's Classic Summer Story
On the first day of school, the teacher goes around the class asking the kids what they did that summer.

Teacher: "Johnny, what did you do?"

Johnny: "Well my dad got in a car accident, and a piece of metal went right up his ass!"

Teacher: "Johnny! We don't use that word in here, we say 'rectum.'"

Johnny: "Wrecked 'im? Damn near killed 'im!"

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And that's why I never argue with my wife.
Wife : Don't forget to pick up kids from school.

Me : It's Saturday, they're both upstairs.

Wife : It's Wednesday and we've three kids.

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Genitals in the classroom ...
One day in a normal school classroom, the teacher went in after recess and found a penis drawn on the blackboard. She couldn't find the eraser, so she just cleaned it with her hand, thinking it was just a prank the kids were playing on her.

The next day after recess, the teacher found yet another penis on the blackboard, slightly bigger this time, and the eraser nowhere to be found. Slightly annoyed, she cleaned it with her hand again.

The third day, unsurprisingly enough, there was another even bigger penis on the blackboard. This time, the teacher, fed up already, gathered the class and said:
''Alright that's enough, who's drawing the penises?''
To which one kid in the back said:
''I don't know miss, but if you keep rubbing it, it will only get bigger''

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Betsy DeVos's school funding plan...
You start with $0.

But if you sign up 5 kids for school, and those kids sign up 5 more kids, and THOSE kids sign up 5 more kids...

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Hispanic Joke
Three kids are in school...

A white, a black, and a hispanic kid. The teacher tells them to make a sentence with the words liver and cheese.

White kid says: "My mom made me a liver and cheese sandwich and it was sooo good."
Black kid says: "Pops told mom to go get the Government cheese And she didn't, so pops punched her in the liver."

Hispanic kid says: "Some kid was trying to look under my sister's dress and I told the cabron, "Hey!!! Liver alone, cheese my sister!!"

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Hey, baby, are you a school?
Because I want to shoot kids inside you.

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Timmy walks into class holding his cat
Teacher: "Timmy, why did you bring your cat to school?"
Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, "I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave." so I'm saving him!"

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At School: What Does It Give You?
Kids, what does the chicken give you?
Meat!
Very good! Now what does the pig give you?
Bacon!
Great! And what does the fat cow give you?
Homework!

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A high school student approached a group of popular kids during lunch time.
"May I join you?" he asked politely.
"We don't sit with idiots." they said.
"But I do." he replied as he gestured them to scoot over.

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They say dad's a transvestite.
-Mommy, mommy! The kids in school say that dad's a transvestite!

-Son, your mom's in the kitchen.

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A Farm Boy gets bullied for having a big head...
The son says, "Mom, all the kids at school say I have a big head. Its really upsetting."

The mother says, "Don't worry honey, your head isn't big at all. Now, go gather some potatoes."

"Mom, I don't have a bag for potatoes."

"Its okay son, just use your hat."

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I'm sick of emo kids walking school around with their shaved heads
Oh wait, that's the chemo kids

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Hey baby, are you a school?
Cause I wanna shoot some kids inside you.

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The school called me on the phone today and said, "Your son has been telling lies."
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good! I don't have no kids!

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back of the bus....
There once was an old school bus driver who in his age, had plenty of wisdom. One day he over heard the white kids and the black kids yelling about who should sit in the front of the bus, and who should sit in the back.
He quickly pulled the bus over and threw it in park then ordered everyone off the bus.
He proceeded to give an inspirational message about how there was no black or white. "We should all look at ourselves as green from this point on!"
Feeling like he got his point across he ordered the children back onto the bus, "I want the dark green kids in the back and light green kids upfront!"

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Once I saw two kids fighting at an elementary school playground
Being the only adult around, I had to step in. They didn't stand a chance.

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A kid asks the Sunday school teacher which part of the body goes to Heaven first. The teacher decides to make it a lesson and asks the kids what they think.
Sarah says 'it's your brain, because that's what controls everything'

Tina says 'it's your heart, because that's where Jesus lives'

Johnny yells out 'your feet!'

The teacher asks why the feet.

Johnny replies 'because I looked in Mrs Brown's bedroom window this morning and she had her feet in the air screaming 'Jesus! I'm coming!'

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3 Guys are at a bar discussing how wasted they where on New Years.
3 guys are at a bar discussing how wasted they got during new years. The first guy says, "Man I was so fucking wasted I blew chunks in my neighbors pool." The second guy replies, "That's nothing. I cheated on my wife with another guy and she left with the kids." The third guy yells, "That's weak. I got so messed up I burnt down a school and now the cops are looking for me as we speak." "GUYS!" the first man yelled, "You don't understand Chunks is my neighbors dog."

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Little Jimmy got called into the principal's office.
"Jimmy," the principal said, "you can't bring your cat to school." "I'm sorry, mister, I had to. I was afraid for his life." Confused, the principal asked him what he meant. Jimmy replied: "I heard my dad say 'when the kids go to school, I'm going to tear that pussy apart.'"

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"Change" of attitude...
A woman encounters an old school mate.
- Hey! Long time no see!
- Ehh... How are you?
- Great! Working a lot to survive; the world is really hard these days...
- Seems wonderful
- Yeah, it is. And also finally got married with John
- Ummm Seems wonderful
- Yeah, he is. We have three kids and they are the best kids ever.
- Wow, seems wonderful.
- I hope you don't mind, but i'm really impressed.
- Yeah? Why?
- You've changed your manners a lot! I remember that you normally used to curse a lot, and you did not care about anything anyone else was doing. You've changed a lot.
- Well, i went to a psychologist and we talked about the way i was, and he finally gave me a golden advice.
- Yeah? What was it?
- Well, he told me that i should replace in my vocabulary the phrase "I don't give a fuck" with "seems wonderful".

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The Perfect Man
So one day, a man is sitting at work with his co-worker:

Man: I'm really happy with life right now. Kids are doing great in school, wife loves me and puts out every night, and my doctor says I'm the picture of perfect health.

Co-worker: Wow! That sounds so great! Is there anything wrong with you?

Man: Well my therapist says I'm a compulsive liar, but what does she know?

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Three kids are talking at school...
The first one says: "my dad is a formula one driver; he is super fast!" The second one answers: "Really? My dad is a pilot, and with his jet he is even faster than your dad!" They both turn to the last kid. He puts down his cookie, and tells the others: "My dad is so fast, his timetable says he finishes work at 6, but he's always home by 5". The two other kids are amazed, and they ask where his dad works. "He's a state employee".

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At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy
I loved that wheelchair.

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What's Resurrection?
There was a man teaching the children's Sunday school class, and his lesson was on resurrection. The man asks the kids if they know what the word resurrection means.

After a long silence a little boy in the back of the room raises his hand and says "Well I don't know what it is but I know that if it lasts more than 4 hours, you have to go see a doctor."

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I want to name my son Orange.
That way, the other kids at school won't know how to make fun of him.

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Did you hear about all the kids who were shipped off to mime school?
They were never heard from again.

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Two high school kids decide to have sex for the first time.
He goes to the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for 2 dozen of his best condoms in preparation for the evening.

Before their big date, he goes to his girlfriends house for dinner and to meet her family.

Before they eat, her father asks the boy to lead the prayer.

He leads a beautiful lengthy prayer about resisting temptation and maintaining purity.

As the young couple is walking out the door to go on their date , she says Johnny, I didn't realize you were so religious.

To which he replies, yeah, well I didn't realize your Dad was a pharmacist!

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How's a doctor's office similar to a US school?
Kids can get their shots there, if someone is ill.

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Why can't schools in Afghanistan teach kids to count by drawn lines?
Because of the tally ban

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A teacher asks the class,"What do you do after school, kids?"
Anthony says "I buy weed from Yakobo"

Emily says "I buy booze from Yakobo"

Shaun says "I buy cocaine from Yakobo"

The teacher definitely didn't want to hear this type of responses, so she asks another random kid whom she didn't know that well.

"I complete my homework" he says.

Pleased, the teacher says "very good! What's your name, child?"

"I'm Yakobo"

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First day in a school
Teacher asks kids their names one by one.

– What is your name, son?

– Pepepeteteter Tototowewer

– Are you a stammerer, honey?

– No, my father was. And registry officer was a dick.

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there were two kids in a sunday school...
there were two kids in a sunday school named adam and mary, adam was sitting directly behind mary and everytime mary raised her hand to answer a question, adam found it amusing to poke her in the back with his pencil.
"todays lesson we will be answering three questions and then you may leave" said the teacher. "first, heres an easy one. who did the virgin mary give birth to?" adam poked mary in the back with the pencil and she replied a little agrivated
"ahh! jesus!" the teacher was pleased with mary and asked the second question
"who is the ruler of everything?" again adam poked mary with his pencil and again she replied agrivatedly
"ahh! god!" the teacher obviously pleased with mary decided to ask a very hard question
"what did eve say to adam after they gave birth to their 100th child?" again adam pokes mary in the back with his pencil and she angrily turns around and snaps
"adam, if you stick that in me one more time, im gunna break it in half!!"

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TOP STUDENT JOKES THAT ARE SCHOOL

Funny jokes about students participating in science, business, disgusting or stupid drinking situations while in college or school.

An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"
**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

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Jenny was not the best student in Sunday School.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was having a nap:

"Tell me, Jenny, who created the universe?"

She didn't stir, so Mike, a boy in the chair behind her, quickly took a pencil

and jabbed her in the rear.

"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted Jenny

And the teacher said, "Very good".

Soon, Jenny was fast asleep again. A while later the teacher asks Jenny:

"Who is our Lord and Saviour?" Once again, Mike pricked her with a pencil.

"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted Jenny.

And the teacher said, "very good."

Soon, a third question comes: "What did Eve say to Adam after she had

her twenty-third child?" And again, Mike jabbed her with the pencil.

Jenny jumped in her seat and shouted:

"IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT

IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

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First day of school
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory will be off limits to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"

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SCHOOL JOKES,Teacher and student
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

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An elementary school teacher is asking a student a Maths question
Teacher: "Ok, Jimmy. If I gave you two cats and another two cats, how many cats would you have?"

Jimmy: "Five!"

Teacher: "No, Jimmy. Let me ask you another way. If I give you two apples and I give you another two apples, how many apples would you have?"

Jimmy: "Four!"

Teacher: "Good, Jimmy! Now if I gave you two cats and another two cats, how many cats would you have?"

Jimmy: "Five!"

Teacher: "Jimmy! That is incorrect! Why are you answering with five?"

Jimmy: "Because I already have a cat!"

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Teacher: What do you do after school?
1st Student: I go and buy weed from Yakobo
2nd Student: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo.
3rd Student: I go and buy cocaine from Yakobo.
4th Student: I always stay at home and do my homework.
Teacher: You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What's your name?
4th Student: Yakoboο»Ώ

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First day at Navy school.
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up after?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

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Teacher makes a call to her student to inform: "I'm busy tomorrow, so our class will be off"
The student makes a call to his dad immediately: "I'm off tomorrow lets go to picnic!"

The dad makes a call to his secretary immediately: " I'm busy tomorrow, lets postpone our date to the next day!"

The secretary makes a call to her husband: "Honey, i'm not going out on a business trip tomorrow, lets hangout!"

The husband makes a call to the teacher: "Honey, my wife is off tomorrow, you don't come.

The teacher makes another call to the student: "Tomorrow we go to school as usual."

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Thanks, student loans, for getting me through school
I don't think I could ever repay you

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Students at Medical School
First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said,

"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

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"How long should my essay be?"
Back in high school I was in an english class and a fellow student asked the teacher how long our essays should be.

He responded saying, "As long as a girl's skirt: long enough to cover everything that needs to be covered, but short enough to keep me interested."

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Adam and Eve
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior," but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue, and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!

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A genius high school chemistry student takes a test
A genius high school chemistry student takes a test, gets his score back and is dismayed to find that he missed exactly one question and thus would not be accepted to his university of choice. He is especially bummed because the question he missed was How many valence electrons does a Hydrogen atom have? In his haste to complete the test, he had answered 2.

Depressed and despairing, he takes a walk alone along a beach and is lost in thought when he trips on a metal object in the sand. Picking it up, he finds it to be a brass oil lamp, and as his fingers brush the surface a genie suddenly appears. The genie thunders, I can grant you any one wish, but you must answer now. What do you desire? The student immediately replies, I wish I had gotten that question right, and the universe explodes.

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In law school...
Professor: What is fraud?

Student: If you don't let me pass the exam, you've committed fraud.

Professor: (surprised) how so?

Student: According to the law, those who take advantage of others' ignorance to cause them losses are committing fraud.

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Little April in Sunday school...
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"

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Little Johnny
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"

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Little Mary was not the best student...
in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, 'Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, and altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed it in her rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary and the teacher said, 'Very good,' and Mary slowly fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, 'Who is our Lord and Saviour?' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

'Jesus Christ!' yelled Mary and the teacher said, 'Very good,' and Mary slowly fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Marh a third question. 'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her 23rd child?' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Mary jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The teacher fainted.

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Other students come by train
A student to his father:

Dear father,
Berlin is a fantastic city, people are nice and I really like that city. But, I am a bit ashamed to come to school with my golden plated Ferrari whereas professors and other students come by train.
Love,
Your son

Next day, an answer comes:

My dear son,
I transferred 20M€ to your bank account. Please buy your train quickly.
Your loving father.

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Susie wasn't the best student in Sunday school...
Susie was sleeping in class when the teacher asked her "who created the universe?" Timmy, who was sitting behind her, poked her with his pencil to wake her up and she yelled out "God Almighty!" Very good, said the teacher.

Later, when Susie was sleeping again her teacher asked her "Who is our lord and saviour?" Again Timmy poker her with a pencil and she yelled out "Jesus Christ!" Well done, said the teacher, who was clearly impressed.

Even later, Susie was again asleep and the teacher asked her "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her 23rd child?" Timmy goes to poke Susie with his pencil again and she yells out "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'll break it in half!"

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Little Lucy & Little Johnny
Little Lucy was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,
"Tell me, Lucy, who created the universe?"

When Lucy didn't stir, Little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty! " shouted Lucy and the teacher said,

"Very good," and Lucy fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Lucy, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But, Lucy didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Lucy and the teacher said, "Very good," and Lucy fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Lucy a third question.

"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?

And again, Johnny Jabbed her with the pin. This time Lucy jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

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Little Mary #1
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher asked her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good," and little Mary fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary.

The teacher said, "Very good," and little Mary fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

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What does the US Government use to spy on a high school student?
An essay.

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Guess what it is, Jimmy
A little boy's first day in school and a teacher was going to play a "guessing" game. She passed out different items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received.

When it was the new boy, Jimmy's turn, the teacher gave him a candy kiss and asked him, "Do you know what this is?"

The boy replied, "No."

The teacher said, "Go ahead and open it up and taste it."

He does so and the teacher asked him, "Now do you know what it is?"

Little Jimmy said, "Nooooo."

So the teacher said, "I'll give you a hint...it's something your daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams "JIMMY, SPIT IT OUT.......IT'S A PIECE OF ASS."

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History Quotations
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?' Patrick Henry, 1775β€², he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863β€² said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F ___ the Indians,' 'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997β€²

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' and Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was Lehmann Brothers, November 4th, 2008.β€²

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A student comes into to a young professor's office after school hours
She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, " I would do...anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens. "Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"

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What book does every Mexican student read in school?
Tequila Mockingbird.

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Little Johnny was in class when his teacher
Little Johnny was in class when his teacher told the class that she would be introducing something new. Every Friday she would ask them a question and the quickest student to get it right would get the next Monday off school.

The first Friday she asks them 'how many blades of grass are there in the field?'
Of course no one puts their hand up.

The second Friday she asks them 'how many stars are there in the sky?'
Again no one puts their hand up.

Little Johnny, determined to get Monday off decides to prepare for next Friday.
He collects a bag of ping-pong balls and paints them black then takes them in for Friday's question.

That Friday the teacher finishes the last lesson and is about to ask the question when 20 black balls fly around the classroom.
Crossly she says 'who's the comedian with the black balls?'
Little Johnny replies 'Bill Cosby, see you on Tuesday!'

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Two students go skiing..
Two students decide to go skiing for the weekend, and are having such a good time they decide to blow off the (calculus, I believe) exam that they have scheduled for Monday morning in order to get some final runs in before they head back to school. They decide to tell the prof that they got a flat tire and therefore deserve to take the exam at a rescheduled time.

Hearing the story, said professor agrees that it really was just bad luck, and of course they can take the exam later. At the appointed time, the prof greets them and places them in two separate rooms to take the exam.

The few questions on the first page are worth a minor 10% of the overall grade, and are quite easy. Each student grows progressively confident as they take the test, sure that they have gotten away with fooling the professor. However, when they turn to the second page they discover that they really haven't.

The only question on the page, worth 90% of the exam, reads: "Which tire was flat?"

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The exchange student
A wealthy Arab had a son who was an exchange student in America. Because of his father's wealth, the son would arrive to school every day in a luxurious Rolls-Royce. Soon after school started, the son sent a letter to his father. It said "Dear father. I feel very ashamed; I arrive to school everyday in a Rolls-Royce. All my professors arrive by train!" he soon got a letter back from his father, along with $20 million. His father's letter read "Dear son, you are embarrassing me. Take this money and but yourself a train as well!"

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Just another Johnny joke
One day while Johnny's dad was just getting out of the shower Johnny looked down and said, "Dad what's that hanging between your legs?"

"Oh Johnny that's my nerve and your's will be this big one of these days", replies Johnny's dad.

Anyway the next day while in school Johnny really had to pee so he raised his hand and said, "Miss I really need to go to the bathroom."

"No, not yet there's someone gone", says his teacher.

Not able to hold it in Johnny walks to the garbage can and starts to pee.

Surprised to see her student peeing in a garbage can in front of the whole class the teacher says, "My Johnny you have some nerve!"

Johnny says,"That's nothing you should see my fathers."

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Would I?
Neighbouring boys and girls school have their end of year dance.

A student from the boys school, from a poor family, lost his eye and was unable to afford a glass eye, so was given a wooden eye.

Obviously quite shy and retiring due to his 'defect' he sticks to the wall around the dance floor and is having a miserable time, until he sees, across the floor, a girl from the neighbouring school against the far wall. She's perfect in every way except due to a cruel twist of fate she has a vertical mouth, instead of a horizontal one like you and I.

She sees him looking and looks away shyly, then back etc etc. until he finally works up the courage to ask her to dance.

Slowly he makes his way across the floor, twisting through dancing couples, losing sight of her and finding her again, until he finally reaches her.

Bumbling nervously he asks "W-w-w-would you like to dance?" to which she lights up and says "Would I!".

He glares at her and whispers "Cunt face".

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If you stick that thing in me one more time...
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good!" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

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At school
A teacher writes on the whiteboard: HNO3 and asks a student:

\- What substance is that?

\- Hmmm... wait a moment... It's on the tip of my tongue!

\- Spit it out at once!!! That's nitric acid!

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Last year, 7th grade students were forced to clean the entire school.
This year, the principal said, "Last year, the 7th grade student did the cleaning. This year, let the 8th grade students do it."

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School Conversation
Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

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A teacher asks her student a question...
"if there's two birds on a power line and somebody shoots one of them, how many birds are left?"

" Zero" the boy said "the others would have flown away"

"Actually the correct answer is two" said the teacher "but I like where your heads at."

The boy came back to school next day and asked the teacher a question. "If there's three women sitting on a bench eating ice cream and one is licking their ice cream, one is chomping on theirs and the other is sucking on theirs, which one is married?"

The teacher answered "the woman sucking her ice cream."

The boy replied "actually it's the one with the wedding ring but I like where your heads at."

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A priest and high school student are running out of burning elementary school
The priest says: should we save the children?

The high school student says: Fuck the children

The priest says: do we have time?

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It was career day in Elm Park Elementary School...
and each student had to write about their dad's profession. Ruby wrote about her dad being a doctor and David wrote about his dad being a construction work.

When the teacher asked Johnny he said, "My dad is a pimp and a drug fiend."

"What?!?! Johnny, be honest. I know that's not what your dad does!"

"You're really gonna make me to tell the entire class that my dad is a banker?!"

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The School teacher sent home a note with her student..
The note reads, Your son is an obedient and bright student, but spends too much time talking to girls.

Mother sends a note back the following day, Please advise a solution. Father has the same problem.'

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A high school student approached a group of popular kids during lunch time.
"May I join you?" he asked politely.
"We don't sit with idiots." they said.
"But I do." he replied as he gestured them to scoot over.

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A teacher asks her student why he brought his cat to school.
The student says "My dad told my mom he was going to eat her pussy after he came home from work."

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What's the difference between an art school student and a monkey?
Monkeys can do math.

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Customer feedback.
A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.

The surprised girl said, What was that?

The guy smiled at her, Direct marketing!

The girl slapped him soundly.

What was that?! said the boy, holding his cheek.

Customer feedback.

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Students are excited to attend the geology class at the local school.
They say it totally rocks.

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Appointing a class monitor..
*Teacher*: What do you do after school?

*1st Student*: I go and buy weed from Yakobo

*2nd Student*: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo.

*3rd Student*: I go and buy cocaine from Yakobo.

*4th Student*: I always stay at home and do my homework.

*Teacher:* You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What's your name?

*4th Student*: Yakobo

*Teacher*: Satan!

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What do you call a cow with 3 legs?
(my girlfriend who's a high school teacher heard this from a student the other day)


Q: What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

A: Lean Beef


Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?

A: Ground Beef


Q: What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

A: Your mom

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Johnny goes to school on the first day of second grade
Johnny goes to school on the first day of second grade. The teacher asks each student to say their name.

Johnny replies, "my name is Johnny Fuckhour".

The teacher immediately scolds him and tells him that such language will not be tolerated.

"But that's my name," he protests. "If you don't believe me, go ask my brother in the fifth grade."

So the teacher marches him over to the fifth grade classroom and asks the fifth grade teacher, "do you have a Fuckhour in here?"

One of the students replies, "oh, no, we don't even have a nap time."

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Three high school students are standing outside the school...
When they notice thunder and lighting in the distance. The French exchange student throws his hands in the air, screams, and runs away. One student asks the other, "Why did he run away like that?" To which the other replies "He knows lightning always strikes the point of least resistance."

True story, changed setting for simplicity.

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A student walks into class late...
Teacher: "Why are you late?"

Student: "While I was coming, I saw a sign that said **School ahead. Slow down.**"

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The School Janitor
Janitor: I know im just a school janitor, but my eldest son is in M.I.T., his younger brother in Princeton, and my youngest in Harvard.

Student: (amazed) Wow, what are they studying?

Janitor: Oh no, they are janitors as well.

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My son got sent home from school today..
My son got sent home from school today for letting a female student jack him off

Thats the third school this month.

I guess teaching might not be for him.

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What did the inflatable principal say to the inflatable student who brought a pin to the inflatable school?
Not only have you let me down, you have also let the school down but mainly you have let yourself down.

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An elementary school student gets gum stuck in his hair...
So the nurse takes him to the science teacher and say "Can you get the gum out of his hair?"

The science teacher responds "Of course, its just a matter of having the right solvent."

An hour later the nurse asks the science teacher "Have any luck?"

The science teacher responds "Yes, here's the gum back."

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What do you call a Med School student who graduates with all C's?
A Doctor.

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What do you call a C-average med school student?
Doctor.

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What is the final project for a student in cooking school?
A dessertation.

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Why did the student take a ladder to school?
Because it was a High School duh

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My best Friend Wasted His Medical School Training
After seven years of medical school and training my good friend was fired because of one little indiscretion, and can no longer work in the profession he had dedicated his life to. He slept with a patient. He is still paying back student loans. His family is devastated. It's such a damn shame because he was a good guy, and a brilliant veterinarian.

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A high schooled student becomes a national hero after taking down a school shooter
But was expelled because of the schools zero tolerance policy

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Teacher , How can we keep the school clean
Teacher: "How can we keep the school clean?"
Student: "By staying home"

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How are getting popular in high school and getting a college woman pregnant similar?
Step one: penetrate the student body.

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Three children named Petal, Leaf and Fridge were about to have their first day of school...
When the three met the teacher of their new class, the teacher read the new student list and asked which one was petal. When petal put her hand up, the teacher asked, "What inspired your parents to give you such a beautiful name?". Petal explained that ," When I was 3 months old, a petal dropped on my head!". The teacher smiled and asked leaf where his name came from. Leaf said, " When I was 2 months old, a leaf came off a tree and landed on my stomach!" The teacher gave a cheery smile to Leaf too. Then she asked Fridge, "and umm... why did your parents call you Fridge dear? Fridge says "DUHHHHHHH!"

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An art student and a time traveller walk into a bar.
The art student takes a seat, looking pretty down.

The time traveller asks "Whats wrong?"

"I just got kicked out of art school" He repiles "Say, hows the art scene in the future?"

The time traveller shrugs and says "Eh. Its pretty terrible all things considered."

The art student quickly responds "Well. Hows the political scene?"

"Oh, its great."
The art student stands up, dusting himself off. "Well. I've minored in politics. I'm gonna go get myself somewhere damnit! OR MY NAME ISNT ADOLF HITLER!" He yells as he leaves.

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Teacher in school asked a student for a sentence that used the word 'contagious'....
The student said "our neighbours are printing the house with a 2 inch brush,and my dad said it would take the contagious".

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Help, I need nerd jokes the average high school student can understand.
Something along these lines,

Why can't you trust an atom? They make up everything.

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"Top 10 Most Dangerous Occupations in the US 2017" revealed
High school student in poll position

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Teacher to Student: Why are you late?
Student: Because of the sign on the road.
Teacher: What type of sign?
Student: The sign that says, School Ahead, Go Slow.

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The Jewish Kid at the Catholic School
A Jewish family just moved into a new town because of the fathers work and are looking for a good school for their son to attend. Since the public schools are notoriously terrible, they look to the private schools. After asking around, they learn that St. John's Academy is by far their best option. The boy is a great student and does well in every subject. Except math. Year after year he fails math. His parents are confused because he is such an excellent student in all other subjects. They even get him a tutor, but he continues to fail.
A few years later, they move again. Another new school. But this time it is a public school. He passes math the first semester with an A. His parents ask him why math had been so hard for him at St. John's.
He replied "Well in the classroom they had a picture of a guy nailed to a plus sign and I couldn't focus because I thought I was next!"

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What did the Christan principal say when she kicked a student out of school?
THE POWER OF CHRIST EXPELS YOU.

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Why were the students confused by the gay kid's performance in school?
He was getting straight D's

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What do you call a student that graduates bottom of their class in Med school?
A doctor.

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so a law school student walks into a bar-
-exam and walks out a lawyer! good job I'm so proud of him.

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Waiting at the student drop off for school dismissal and the teacher asked who my child was.
Time to switch schools.

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So, a middle school science class is learning about genetics
and the students are working with recessive and dominant eye colors in punnett squares. A few minutes into the activity one student beckons the teacher over. He has a very concerned look on his face.

The teacher is a little worried. This has happened before. Every once in a while a student realizes that he is adopted or his dad isn't who he thought.

The teacher hesitantly walks over to the concerned student, ready to have a difficult conversation.

"Do you have a question about the assignment?" the teacher asks.

"Well," the student replies, "I think I might be adopted, because I have blue eyes and both my moms have brown eyes!"


[According to a Special Ed teacher at my school, this really happened to her.]

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There was an employment advertisement in an office.


So a guy went there.
Managrer asked him: "Do you know what is the meaning of Ph.D.?"
The guy answered: "Passed High school with Difficulties."

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The inflatable headteacher at the inflatable school caught the inflatable student bringing a pin into the classroom.
He said, "Not only have you let yourself down, you've let me down, you've let your teachers down, and you've let the whole school down..."

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English Class Teacher: "One day we will be corruption free. Which tense is it?"
Student: "Future impossible tense."

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A mom calls out to her son "Harry! Wake up! You'll be late for school.

"
The son replies, "Mom I don't want to go to school!
The teachers and students hate me!
Give me one reason I should go!"
The mom says back, "You should go because you're the principal!"

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Teacher: "I will call your parents!"
Elementary student: "No! I’ll be a good boy!"
Junior High School Student: "Pffff… Anyway…"
High School Student: "Send my mother my greetings!"

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A Swedish exchange student asked me if he could do 'meth' in my classroom after school
As a maths teacher, I was pleasantly surprised by his willingness to learn.

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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.


Trying to make the matter clearer, he said:
β€œNow, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face.”
β€œYes, sir,” the boys said.
β€œThen why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”
A little fellow shouted, β€œβ€˜It’s because yer feet ain’t empty.”

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Q: Would you burn your education certificate for 50 million us dollars?
Me: I will burn my certificate, I will burn the school, the nearby schools and even the ministry of education I will also burn all the textbooks.

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Early one morning a mother went to wake up her son.


"Wake up, son.
It's time to go to school!"
"Buy why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I *should* go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"

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I teach High School Machine Tool and Die, and was quite impressed with a students response to another student passing gas.
I walked into the room and asked who passed gas. After a bit of blaming each other one student said "Who ever it was should apologize to Ben."

I asked "why is that".

He said "Because Ben's people have been gassed enough". And yes, Ben is Jewish...

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The Test
Two professors were invigilating a test at a medical school where students had to reach into a bag and guess which part of the human body was inside it. They went around the class to test individual students. Everything was going well until they come to a female student and ask her to guess what was inside the bag. The student reaches in and after a while, she tells them that it's a sausage. The professors ask her to try again but she keeps on insisting that it's a sausage. The professors try to give her a hint, asking her which part of the body is most like a sausage but the girl still stood her ground. Fed up with the student, the two professors empty the bag and a sausage comes out.

Seeing this, one of them shouts "Fuck! I think I mixed up the snack bags last night!"

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Which student in the universe has the most absents on record at Sunday School?
Jesus Christ, I don't know him..

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Teacher asks the student:
Teacher asks the student: Why are you so late?!

Student: Well I was crossing the road and suddenly it says School ahead, go slowly!

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Why Do Squirrels Swim On Their Back?
To Keep Their Nuts Dry. (Told in school assembly today by a 13 year old student)

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Every high school student has that one class they loathe
For me, it's the bourgeoise.

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Teacher and Student
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: Because of the sign on the road.
Teacher: What type of sign?
Student: The sign that says, School Ahead, Go Slow. !

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Why did you bring your cat to school?
Teacher: Why did you bring your cat to school?
Student: My dad said he was going to eat mom's pussy.

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Why did the students need a ladder to get into school?
It was a high school.

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A father and her disappointing daughter
So there's a girl, who just graduated from High School as an honors student but just a few A's away from making Valedictorian. After her graduation, her father walks up to her and says "you've let me down."

The girl goes to medical school. Once again, she graduates near the top of her class but isn't the top of her class. The father walks up to her and says "you've let me down."

The girl was nominated for a big promotion in her hospital but was just a few marks away from securing it. Her father walks up to her and says "you've let me down."

Years pass. The woman has grown to hate her father. One day, she receives a letter saying her father had passed away. Forgetting all of her hate, she gets on the next flight to her mother's home.

As soon as she arrives, her mother hands her a letter detailing one final request from her father.

"At my funeral, I would like to have my daughter lower my body into my grave so she can let me down one more time."

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Smarter Generation
"The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up. After watching me struggle with it, one of my students took over. ""Your hard drive crashed,"" he said.
I called the computer services office and explained, ""My computer is down. The hard drive crashed.""
""We can't just send people down on your say-so. How do you know that's the problem?""
""A student told me,"" I answered.
""We'll send someone over right away."""

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Classic Teacher Student joke
Teacher: Why did you laugh?

Boy 1: I saw a strap of your bra. Teacher: You are punished to stay out of school for one week.

Boy 2 laughed…
Teacher: Why did you laugh?
Boy 2: I saw your bra straps.
Teacher: You are punished to stay out of school for one month.

Teacher bent down to pickup a chalk.

Boy 3 started walking out of the class…Teacher: Why are you leaving?

Boy 3: I think my school days are over.

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Greeting the new student
So a new student named Dillon walks into class for his very first day of school. All the other children were talking to their friends, while he had none to talk to. But, one of the kids walked up to him and began the conversation-
Child: "Hi, im Nick, whats your name?"

Dillon: "My names Dillon"

Nick: "Thats a cool name, Mind if I call you Dill for short?"

Dillon: "I wouldnt advise doing that"

Nick: "Why so?"

Dillon: "Because my last name is Do"

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A Girl Student's Named – Happy Butt
In a school, A teacher asks the new student her name.


The girl replies, Happy Butt.


The teacher says, I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out.


The girl goes to the principal's office and he asks, What's your name?


The little girl says, Happy Butt.


The principal calls the girl's mother to get the truth.
After getting off the phone, he says, Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt.


The girl exclaims, Glad Ass… Happy Butt, What's the difference?

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One day before school..
there was an announcement about the big championship wrestling match after school that involved the schools hottest girl student. After hearing this John asks Bill if he wants to go watch her wrestle. After contemplating for a John replies "I guess, but I'd rather see her box."

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A teacher asked a student to write 55.


Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
Teacher: What are you waiting for?
Student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!

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It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom:
β€œWill the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.
” Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:
β€œWill the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class.”

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TOP COLLEGE JOKES THAT ARE SCHOOL

Totally funny jokes about how things in college in reality are.

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"
"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

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First day of school
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory will be off limits to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"

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Uncle just told me this one.
There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar. Are you from around here?"

The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street."
"No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?"
"Oh, I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66. How bout you?"
"Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too." "Where'd you go to college?" "Beloit, in Wisconsin." "No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?"
"Kevin Sullivan dorm."
"Sullivan? You're not going to believe this..."

Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, "Joe, you wont believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?"

Joe looks at them both and says, "Yeah, that's just plain amazing."
A third man comes in and says, "Hey Joe. What's new?" Joe says, "Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again."

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A mother and father named their child, "Odd..."
...and because of his unfortunate name, poor Odd had the worst life you could imagine.

In school, he was always picked on and had trouble making friends. In college he never fit in and struggled to gain the respect of his peers. In life he drifted from job to job, unable to find steady work. He never found the love of his life and lived a lonely bachelor.

And so one day Odd decided he couldn't go on anymore and took his own life. In his suicide note he demanded that his grave be a blank headstone with no mention of his name, so that he could be completely and utterly forgotten.

And yet every time someone walks past his grave, they see his wordless stone and go, "That's odd..."

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A Saudi Arabian prince is going to college in England
He texts his father,
"Dad, I feel weird driving my Lamborghini to school when all my classmates take a train"
His father replies;
"Son, I have transferred 500 million dollars into your account. Go out and buy a train and stop embarrassing this family"

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All I want...
When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big tits.

In high school, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with big tits.

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Timbuktu
From my 80 year old Granddad:

Two finalists in a contest, One a college grad and one a high school drop out, were to write a poem in 3 minutes. The only requirement was that it ended in "Timbuktu". The college grad wrote his and told it to the judges;

Slowly across the desert sand,

Trekked a lonely caravan.

Men on camels two by two,

Destination Timbuktu.

The judges were very surprised and pleased with the poem, thinking that the drop out had no chance of beating that one.
The dropout then told his poem

Me and Tim a hunting went,

Met three girls in a tent.

Sunrise came, mornin' dew,

I bucked one and Timbuktu.

He won the contest.

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Two Elderly Couples Were Having Dinner...
...when one of the men says to the other man of the group, "Hey Stan, tell us about the college course you recently took!" Stan looks up from his dinner and says, "Oh, it was great! It was a memory class to help me to remember things better."


"Did it work?" the other guy asks.


"Sure did! I'm remembering stuff more efficiently now. It was a big improvement."


"What was the name of the school?"


Stan looks off into the distance, furrows his brows and asks, "What is the name of the flower... usually comes in a dozen...has thorns...?"


"Rose?" the other man asks.


Stan looks to his wife, "Hey Rose, what was the name of that school I went to?"

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Where do galaxies go to college?
University!

Happy 1st day back to school to many of you :)

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Odd
A mother and father named their child "Odd". And because of his unfortunate name, poor Odd had the worst life you could imagine.
In school, he was always picked on and had trouble making friends. In college he never fit in and struggled to gain the respect of his peers. In life he drifted from job to job, unable to find steady work. He never found the love of his life and lived a lonely bachelor.
And so one day Odd decided he couldn't go on anymore and took his own life. In his suicide note he demanded that his grave be a blank headstone with no mention of his name, so that he could be completely and utterly forgotten.
And yet every time someone walks past his grave, they see his wordless stone and go, "That's odd..."

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A son arrives at his new school in Berlin.
He writes a letter to his dad, it reads:

Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here. But Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my own college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train

Your son,
Ahmed

The father responds:

My dear loving son,
20 million US Dollars have hust been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.

Love, your dad

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A very conservative couple was hesitant to talk to their daughter about sex...
Years pass and the girl keeps growing up, and they do everything they can to keep her innocent on the subject. She goes to high school and college and the only think they teach her that she should avoid men and be abstinent. Finally, the young woman is engaged to be married. Hesitantly, the parents decide it is time to have "the talk". The husband and wife sit down with their daughter and blushing say: Sweetheart, we think that it is time for us to talk about sex. The daughter throws her hands up and says: "Finally! So... what would you like to know?"

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I met my girlfriend in primary school.
I can't wait til she goes to college.

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Little Johnny comes home from school...
Johnny comes home from college one afternoon and heads to his bedroom. As he passes his parent's room, he hears a strange noise and opens the door to investigate. Inside, Johnny sees his mom and his dad in bed going at it. Johnny stands there, eyes wide as dad really gives it to his mom. A few moments later, dad notices Johnny, grins widely at him, gives him a thumb's-up, laughs and goes back to plowing her.

A few days later, dad comes home and heads to his room. As he nears Johnny's room, he hears a commotion and decides to investigate. When he opens the door, he sees Johnny in bed with his grandmother, going at it. Dad stands there, dumbfounded. When he finally comes to his senses, he shouts, "Johnny, what the fuck are you doing!?"

Johnny looks over, grins widely, and says, "Yeah, it's not so funny when it's your mom, huh?"

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Some recent grads having a beer..
Three guys, Mike, Dave, and Doug were at a table in a bar enjoying some beers and conversation. A stranger came by and asked if he could join them and was immediately welcomed. After about an hour of lively conversation the stranger said, I can tell you are all recent college grads. I bet I can guess where each of you went to school.

That would be interesting, said Doug, I'd like to see how you could do that.

Well, Mike here, he's Harvard. That's easy. He's got the Haavard accent. He also made reference to some obscure points of business law and his stylish business suit seals the deal.

And Dave has got to be MIT. The smudged glasses and black t-shirt are a clue. He also made some references that show he has a good grasp of quantum theory and computer science.

That's amazing, said Doug. What about me?

Oh. You went to West Virginia University.

How do you know? asked Doug.

I saw your class ring while you were picking your nose.

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What's the difference between a high school graduate and a college dropout?
Debt.

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A Father and his Son are walking down the condom aisle in the pharmacy...
The son notices that condoms are sold in different numbers per pack, so he asks his Dad why. The Dad replies, "Well, son, the 3 pack is for when you're in High School. One for Friday night, and two for Saturdays. The 6 pack is for when you're in College. Two for Thursday, two for Friday, and two for Saturday." The son asks, "What about the 12 pack? I bet that's really good." The Dad says, "Oh, the 12 pack is for when you're married. One for January, one for February..."

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Father takes his son to the pharmacy...
They are walking down an aisle and the son see's a 3 pack of condoms and asks "Father what are these?"

The father replies, "Well son those are for high school boys, one for Friday one for Saturday and one for Sunday."

They keep on walking and the son see's a six pack and asks, "Dad this pack has six?!"

The dad replies, "Yes son, those are for college boys two for Friday, two for Saturday and 2 for Sunday."

They continue walking and the son see's a twelve pack. This time in shock the son says, "Dad wow these have 12 why?!"

The father replies, "Well son those are for married men, 1 for January, 1 for February.....

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While helping some freshmen check into their dorms at our state college I overheard a couple of new co-eds rate me as a six.
It really saddens me that our public school systems are only teaching kids to count to six.

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A little boy and his dad were in line at the drug store
And the boy picks up a pack of condoms. He asks "what are these daddy?" And his dad says "those are for high school kids." The boy asks "why are there three?" The father says "one for Thursday night, one for Friday night, and one for Saturday night."

The boy picks up another pack and asks "why are there six in this one?" So the father says "those are for college kids. Two for Thursday, two for Friday, and two for Saturday."

The boy picks up a third pack and asks "why are there twelve in this one?" The father says "oh those are for married men. One for every month of the year."

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As the father of a now high school graduate, I think it's time I stopped fantasizing about "college girls."
I mean, no need to dream when you've got the real thing at home, right?

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I didn't go to college, I went to the school of hard knocks
A Jehovah's witness school

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How are getting popular in high school and getting a college woman pregnant similar?
Step one: penetrate the student body.

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A college professor starts the new school year
With a question, he asks his class, "When a woman has an orgasm, what is her asshole doing?"
The professor calls on a young woman who says, "he is most likely playing golf"

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A kid asks his dad for a bike
and his dad says. "Well son, can your dick touch your ass?"
And the son replies, "No, dad, it can't."
So the dad says, "Than go fuck yourself."
Years later the kid is in high school and all his friends are getting cars, so the kid asks, "Say dad, all my friends are getting cars, so do you think you could help me get one?"
Again the dad says, "Well, son, can your dick touch your ass?"
"Well no, dad, it can't."
He dad responds, "Than fuck you."
Years later, the kid is in college but needs some help with tuition. So he goes to his dad one day and says, "Dad I'm really enjoying college, but I need some help with tuition to stay enrolled. Do you think you could help me?"
"Well, son, can your dick touch your ass?"
"Well yes, dad, as a matter of fact it can."
"Good, go fuck yourself."

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Topical Jokes for 6/11
In California, a ten-year-old boy has graduated from high school. And in Florida, a ten-year-old girl has dropped out of school because she's pregnant.

…the boy has already sent out a college application, which was written in magic marker, on the back of a Fruit Roll Up.

Casey Kasem's family has decided to take him off of life support. They made the decision after Kasem's brain activity shot to the bottom of the charts.

Starbucks has announced their new tables will wirelessly charge phones placed on them. *Annnd* electrocute sleeping homeless people.

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What did the asian college student say to his old elementary school teacher?
Long time no C

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An elementary school shooter, a high school shooter and a college shooter walk into a bar
BARTENDER: This is wrong on so many levels.

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A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week.
Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day's lecture.
Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.
"And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?" the professor asked.
"I don't know," the student said.
"Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know," said the professor.
"That's not true," the student replied. "I never pay attention anyway!"

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There were three guys at a bar.
One was a college student, one was a buisness man and the other was a biker.
The student tells the two other men that it was his aniversary and he got his wife a pearl necklace and a trip to the Bahamas "Shit if she doesnt like the necklace she'll love the trip" he said.
So the buisness man said "That's nice, for my last aniversary I got my wife a Mercades and a new mansion, if she didn't like the mercades she has to like the new mansion. "
As the biker finished his drink he said "For my last aniversary I got my wife a t-shirt and a vibrator. If she didn't like the t-shirt she can go fuck herself."

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Where do vaginas go to school?
Gynae College

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A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week.
Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day’s lecture.
Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.
β€œAnd who was it that developed the theories behind communism?” the professor asked.
β€œI don’t know,” the student said.
β€œPerhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know,” said the professor.
β€œThat’s not true,” the student replied.
β€œI never pay attention anyway!”

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A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson.


He delivered the pizza to his trailer.
After giving it to him, Larry asked: β€œWhat is the usual tip?”
β€œWell,” replied the youth, β€œthis is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great.”
β€œIs that so?” snorted Larry.
β€œWell, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s five dollars.”
β€œThanks,” replied the youth, β€œI’ll put this in my school fund.”
β€œWhat are you studying in school?” asked Larry.
The lad smiled and said: β€œApplied psychology.”

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First day of high school and I skipped breakfast.
They're really preparing me for college.

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Did you hear about the piece of scrap wood?
He went to BOARDing school and applyed (applied) to college.

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Most guys experiment with homosexuality in college...
I experimented in Sunday School

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Why don't a lot of cows go to college?
Not a lot of them graduate high school.

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I used to fall asleep in class nearly every day in school until I got to college.
Then, I just skipped.

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The best thing about college
The best thing about college is it forces you to have confidence. Like in high school I never had the confidence to walk in front of a moving car.

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Little sister told me an elementary school rhyme today.
Women go to college to get more knowledge

Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider

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The difference between a high school pothead vs. a college pothead
Is realizing to get the food before smoking week rather than after

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TOP SCIENCE JOKES THAT ARE SCHOOL

Jokes about students doing science.

When I die I'm going to donate my body to science.
That's the only way I'll ever get into medical school.

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A trick with a tie
Son: Dad! I learned an awesome new trick at school in science class. Can I borrow your tie?

Dad: Let's see it.

Son: if we fold your tie in half, and roll the fat end toward the middle, and the thin end toward the middle, we have two rolls - one big and one small, both the same length, right?

Well, if I hold up the tie from the middle, and let go of both sides at the same time, which side will unroll first?

Dad: I have no idea.

Son (drops both ends, which open at the same time):

It's a tie, dad.

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One, day little Johnny asks his father,
"Daddy where do i come from?"
The mother and father, had been preparing for this, for a very long time.

"Well son, when a Man and a Woman love each-other very much..."

After explaining the details and science to his Son, who had a puzzled look on his face the Father turned to his child,

"Well son, does that answer your question?"

"Not really Susan from school told me she came from Italy."

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Origin of the vagina
Don't know if repost, but I found this written in my high school science notes from years ago. Obviously I didn't make straight A's.


Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, with smart wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit.

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.

Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within.

Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without.

Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell.

Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee.

Last was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt.

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Can anyone help me with starting a rocket science club at school?
I'm having trouble getting it off the ground.

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What is pink, hard when it goes in, soft when it comes out, dry when it goes in, and wet when it comes out?
Bubble gum. Got this joke from a high school science teacher, one of the weird ones.

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A Jewish boy comes home with his report card.
His parents take a look and see:

English: A
Science: A
History: A
Math: F

They tell him he's grounded until they see improvement, but when the next report card comes he gets an F in math yet again! After thinking hard about what to do this time, they decide they must send him to Catholic school.

After just one term at Catholic school he comes home with an A in Math! The father asks, "Son, what made this time so different?"

He replies, "Well when I saw that kid nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"

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An elementary school student gets gum stuck in his hair...
So the nurse takes him to the science teacher and say "Can you get the gum out of his hair?"

The science teacher responds "Of course, its just a matter of having the right solvent."

An hour later the nurse asks the science teacher "Have any luck?"

The science teacher responds "Yes, here's the gum back."

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I came home and told my mum we were playing with explosives in science.
Mum: what are you doing in school tomorrow.

Me: what school?

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My computer science professor was fired for giving a lecture in Octal
My school has very strict policies regarding eight-speech.

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How do you make a sports science major cry?
Remind them that high school is over.

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So, a middle school science class is learning about genetics
and the students are working with recessive and dominant eye colors in punnett squares. A few minutes into the activity one student beckons the teacher over. He has a very concerned look on his face.

The teacher is a little worried. This has happened before. Every once in a while a student realizes that he is adopted or his dad isn't who he thought.

The teacher hesitantly walks over to the concerned student, ready to have a difficult conversation.

"Do you have a question about the assignment?" the teacher asks.

"Well," the student replies, "I think I might be adopted, because I have blue eyes and both my moms have brown eyes!"


[According to a Special Ed teacher at my school, this really happened to her.]

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I'm not saying my acne was bad at school, but when one boy asked the science teacher how many planets there were in the galaxy...
The teacher said, "Less than there are on his face."

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The first day of school I signed up for English, Math, Science and Language.
The rest, as they say, was History.

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None of my friends seemed very impressed when I told them I hooked up with my high school science teacher.
I swear it is so much harder trying to fit in when you are homeschooled.

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One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept.


A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this pointless information"
"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again.
"So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school," replied the professor.

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Bad Science Joke
A high school science teacher is ordering supplies for his class online, but he can't find one particular compound. So he calls the store. "Excuse me sir," says he, "But do you by chance carry Sodium Bromate?" The store owner replies, "Na-BrO"

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One day, a young boy was asked by his teacher to tell him what the chemical formula for water was.


The boy replied with "H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O".
The Teacher was stunned. "That's not right, how did you come up with that?"
The boy said, "Last week you said it was H2O!"

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Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science.


She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.
Now it was question time, and she asked, β€œMy name begins with the letter β€˜M’ and I pick up things.
What am I?”
A little boy on the front row proudly said, β€œYou’re a mother!”

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High school science classes say that "two bodies cannot occupy the same space". Whoever came up with that saying never saw how much butter an English muffin can soak up.

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Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean.


Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there.
The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.
The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."
The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."
While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires.
They both scream, "What are you doing?"
To which the statistician replies, "Trying to get an adequate sample size."

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What I learned from school...
Science, English, Maths and a few other words.

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One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, "There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First: Don't fear anything."
After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same.
After hesitating, they all did it.
"Next," the professor said, "you have to have a key observation finger. Thus, I licked my index finger."

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TOP BUSINESS JOKES THAT ARE SCHOOL

Jokes about students practicing business activities.

Teacher makes a call to her student to inform: "I'm busy tomorrow, so our class will be off"
The student makes a call to his dad immediately: "I'm off tomorrow lets go to picnic!"

The dad makes a call to his secretary immediately: " I'm busy tomorrow, lets postpone our date to the next day!"

The secretary makes a call to her husband: "Honey, i'm not going out on a business trip tomorrow, lets hangout!"

The husband makes a call to the teacher: "Honey, my wife is off tomorrow, you don't come.

The teacher makes another call to the student: "Tomorrow we go to school as usual."

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Your first job interview
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young applicant fresh out of business school, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The applicant answered, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years ... say, a red Corvette?"

The applicant sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

Replied the interviewer: "Yes, but you started it."

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Catholic School
So there's a bad jewish kid and he swears all the time. He gets expelled from school. His behavior combined with the town he lives in being so small where everyone knows everyone's business, causes his family to become pariahs.

Desperate for a solution, the parents ask the local Rabbi for help who suggests sending the boy to a *yeshiva* - a Jewish private school. The parents try this, but sadly, this seemed to make him worse, now he swears in both English and Hebrew.

The next week, Thanksgiving rolls around and the parents have the neighbors over to eat Turkey with them. The neighbor after a while can't help but remark "I know it's not my place, but your son is very unruly."

The parents sigh and say they have no idea what to do with him. The neighbor replies "I know you're Jewish but try Catholic School. Those nuns instill serious discipline in children."

Feeling out of options, the parents do enroll the son in Catholic School, and that same day he comes home from school the model son they always wished he was.

The parents are flabbergasted. They ask "Did the nuns beat you?", and the son replies "No mother, they did not." So the parent's say "Then how did this happen?" and the son replied "Well, when I saw the guy hanging on the wall there, I knew they meant business!"

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My brother, the jackass, and the theoretical blind kid.
My brother came home from middle school one day and I could tell he was very upset. I asked him what was wrong. He told me that between classes he stopped in the restroom to take a piss and he set his brand new binder on the counter next to the sink before doing his business. Some asshole kid came in, knocked his binder in the garbage can and proceeded to piss in said can.

Amazed at how someone would do something like this I asked my brother "What did you do?"
Still upset and with tears in his eyes my brother said "What could I do?"
"I would have beat the little fuckers ass!" I told him.
"But what if he was blind?" My brother asked.
Without pausing a moment I responded with "I would have gotten away with it."

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A businesswoman from Connecticut has a meeting in Alabama.
Her meeting done, she stops at a local bar for a quick drink.

Her bartender, noting her northern accent, says "Yew shore talk purty. Whar did you go to school?"

She smiles and says, "Yale."

He says, "YEW SHORE TALK PURTY. WHAR DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"

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A bartender notices one of his regulars at the bar looked depressed, so he strikes up a conversation
What's got you down? the bartender asks.

Well, the man says sheepishly, I got fired for having sex with my boss's daughter.

You old dog, the bartender chuckles. I understand why he'd be upset, but i would think what you do on your personal time is none of his business. Did you even know she was his daughter?

Not at all! He says. I didn't even know he had a daughter at that grade school.

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Successful entrepreneur
I met an old friend from high school the other day, and I couldn't believe how wealthy he had become. He ran a massively successful business, but could barely get a passing grade in math class when I knew him.

I asked him how he did it.

He said it was easy.

"All I did was find a product I could make for $2 and sell for $4. You'd be surprised just how much 2% adds up over the years!"

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When I was a young boy, I was bad at Maths
I was so bad that I was expelled from my school for failing that subject so often. Because of this, my father sent me to Catholic school and after going for a year, my grades improved. The reason being, the second I walked through that door and saw the guy nailed to the fricking plus sign, I knew this school meant business.

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What if Prom is just an elaborate business scams that fashion companies carry out every year to sell all the shitty, cheap dresses to high school kids because the rich people wouldn't buy them?
*scam

I is stupid.

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Two men
Two men had been friends since elementary school. So for the younger man's 80th birthday, he took him to a fine brothel. The brothel was full, but the owner, not wanting to lose business, told them to go upstairs to their room and that he would return with girls later.
After the owner was sure that the men were fast asleep, he brought in two blow up dolls.
The next morning, the older man came out concerned. "What seemed to be the problem?" He asks.
"We'll, I think I killed her. She was cold and wasn't breathing.I'm outta here!" So the man leaves, and his friend comes down looking perplexed.
"How was your night?" Asked the owner.
"We'll, I bit her tit, then she farted and flew out the window!"

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A father is concerned with his son's bad grades in math
so he decides to enroll him in a Catholic school. After the first marking period, the son has an A in math.

The father is pleased, but he asks his son, "Why are your math grades suddenly so good?"

The son replies, "I knew they meant business when I saw the guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign!"

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My Buddy is Running a Painting Company This Summer
So my buddy at school is running a painting company as a project for one of his business classes this semester. The point of the project is to gain experience as a business owner and not to turn a profit, so the company provides the paint and other supplies and charges a small fee for labor. Generally, the families are extremely appreciative and really nice to talk to. One day, I was helping him put the final coat on a house and I overheard his discussion with the homeowner as they were going over the bill.

"Wow, this is a great price!" Exclaims the homeowner.

"Yep! We're just happy to help out, the money isn't really important." Says my buddy.

With an inquisitive look, the homeowner scans the bill and asks, "it says here that I'm only being charged for labor, what about the paint?"

My buddy smiles, "it's on the house."

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A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week.
Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day’s lecture.
Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.
β€œAnd who was it that developed the theories behind communism?” the professor asked.
β€œI don’t know,” the student said.
β€œPerhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know,” said the professor.
β€œThat’s not true,” the student replied.
β€œI never pay attention anyway!”

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A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week.
Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day's lecture.
Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.
"And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?" the professor asked.
"I don't know," the student said.
"Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know," said the professor.
"That's not true," the student replied. "I never pay attention anyway!"

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What do they teach in ISIS business school?
Execution is everything.

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Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant.


Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said.
"But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

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There were three guys at a bar.
One was a college student, one was a buisness man and the other was a biker.
The student tells the two other men that it was his aniversary and he got his wife a pearl necklace and a trip to the Bahamas "Shit if she doesnt like the necklace she'll love the trip" he said.
So the buisness man said "That's nice, for my last aniversary I got my wife a Mercades and a new mansion, if she didn't like the mercades she has to like the new mansion. "
As the biker finished his drink he said "For my last aniversary I got my wife a t-shirt and a vibrator. If she didn't like the t-shirt she can go fuck herself."

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CONCLUSION

Best of 255 Hilarious School Jokes. Clean and dirty jokes about people of all ages going through school and their experiences with random encounters through the journey. Appropriate jokes for kids to tell at school.

You've read some of the best school jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty school gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in January 2020.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these school jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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