school Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious school puns

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn't* something trying to kill you...

School is my answer

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My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

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Virginity in school

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

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I never understood school shooting jokes

I guess they're aimed at a younger audience...

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TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...


On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

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What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school?

Oh, high marks.

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When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

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A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference

For example:

Johnny ate his own lunch after school.

Johnny ate his own colon after school.

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I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment

So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead

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Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

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Why are Americans so dumb?

Because they shoot the ones that go to school

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I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That's..

Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet

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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn't stand a chance…

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The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence.

Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch

becomes

Jimmy went to school and ate his colon

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I learned yesterday that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

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Why are parents so bad at discussing sex with their kids?

When I was ten-years-old, I saw two dogs shagging in the street and asked my Mum what they were doing.


Dancing, she replied.


The first school dance I went to, I got fucking expelled.

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I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper...

I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly didn't stand a chance.

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Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor

Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to medical
school.

One of the many questions on human anatomy
asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS" into
the name of "an important human body part which
is most useful when erect."

Those who answered "spine" are now doctors

The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.

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Hey girl are you a school?

Because I want to shoot kids inside you.

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Bad Math Grade

A little boy comes home from school and tells his father, "I got an F in math today."
His father replies, "What happened?"
The boy says, "Well, my teacher asked me, 'What's 3 times 2', and I said 6.'"
The father replies, "Well, that's correct."
The boy says, "I know. Then she asked me, 'What's 2 times 3.'"
The father then replies, "What the fuck is the difference?"
The boys says, "That's what I said!"

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Sir, your son was smoking marijuana at school during the class!

Says the teacher to a student's parent at a school gathering.

-- Did he say where he got it?

-- Yes! His best friend gave it to him.


The father, cleaning his tears:

-- Did he really say that?

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What's the difference between a Pakistani school and a terrorist camp?

I don't fucking know I'm just a drone pilot

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My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

"I've just had sex education in school today, Dad!

You lied to me!

You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday my boyfriend will die!"

I put down my paper: "Oh, he will sweetheart, he will.

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In high school some kids told me they'd give me $20 to hang out with them.

Turns out it was just clique bait.

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It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right....

Alcohol IS a solution.

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My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. We had sex education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die! I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…

Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.

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I bumped into an old school friend today

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's a fucking optician."

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A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"

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An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

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My son got kicked out of school for letting a girl in his class jerk him off...

I said son that's 4 schools this year. Maybe teaching isn't for you

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Americans do use the metric system...

Because they use 9mms at school.

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What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school?

Mumbai!

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I got voted "Least Likely To Succeed" by my high school class...

Fuck, I hate being a teacher.

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Osama Bin Laden's son comes home from school crying...

He asks him: "What's wrong son, what happened?"

"The teacher asked the class what the tallest building in New York is, and I got the answer wrong."

"Why, what did you answer?"

"The Empire State Building."

"Don't worry son, daddy will take care of it."

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What's the best part about summer in the U.S.?

3 months of no school shootings.

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What are the most funny School jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about School? Well, here are the best School dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and School pick up lines to share with friends.

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