School Jokes

What are some School jokes?

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn't* something trying to kill you...

School is my answer

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

Virginity in school

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

I never understood school shooting jokes

I guess they're aimed at a younger audience...

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...


On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school?

Oh, high marks.

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference

For example:

Johnny ate his own lunch after school.

Johnny ate his own colon after school.

I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment

So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

Why are Americans so dumb?

Because they shoot the ones that go to school

I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That's..

Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet

I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn't stand a chance…

The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence.

Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch

becomes

Jimmy went to school and ate his colon

I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper...

I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly didn't stand a chance.

Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor

Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to medical
school.

One of the many questions on human anatomy
asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS" into
the name of "an important human body part which
is most useful when erect."

Those who answered "spine" are now doctors

The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.

Hey girl are you a school?

Because I want to shoot kids inside you.

Sir, your son was smoking marijuana at school during the class!

Says the teacher to a student's parent at a school gathering.

-- Did he say where he got it?

-- Yes! His best friend gave it to him.


The father, cleaning his tears:

-- Did he really say that?

My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

"I've just had sex education in school today, Dad!

You lied to me!

You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday my boyfriend will die!"

I put down my paper: "Oh, he will sweetheart, he will.

In high school some kids told me they'd give me $20 to hang out with them.

Turns out it was just clique bait.

It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right....

Alcohol IS a solution.

My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. We had sex education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die! I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…

Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.

Police officer: "I'm here to inform you that your son burned down the school"

Parents: "arson?"


Police officer: "yes, your son"

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"

An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

Americans do use the metric system...

Because they use 9mms at school.

What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school?

Mumbai!

Osama Bin Laden's son comes home from school crying...

He asks him: "What's wrong son, what happened?"

"The teacher asked the class what the tallest building in New York is, and I got the answer wrong."

"Why, what did you answer?"

"The Empire State Building."

"Don't worry son, daddy will take care of it."

What's the best part about summer in the U.S.?

3 months of no school shootings.

Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight.

Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.

A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.

The teacher says, "What's this?"

The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."

The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"

The kid says, "The cow ate it all."

"Ok, then where's the cow?"

"It left because there was no more grass."

The little black jewish boy...

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black? The dad replies, Why do you want to know, son? Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!

Three boys were talking after school...

Three boys were talking after school while waiting for their fathers to pick them up. The first one boasts: "My dad is a Formula One driver. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:15."

The second boy says: "That's nothing. My dad is a jet pilot. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:05!"

The last boy looks at his companions and says: "Pfff.... amateurs! My dad works for the government. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 4:45!"

Little Billy comes home early from school, only to find his Dad masturbating in the living room...

As Billy is quite young, he is shocked and confused at what he is seeing. His Dad tries to explain:
"Don't be scared, Billy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm doing something completely normal. In fact, you are going to start doing it pretty soon as well."
"Why is that, Dad?", young Billy asks.
"Because, son, my hand is getting tired and I need someone to take over."

A school teacher in Hyderabad was once asked, "Can you make a sentence without using 'E'?"

"I doubt I can. It's a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It's as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would I gain? An award? A cash bonus? Bragging rights? Why should I strain my brain? It's not worth it."

Letter Z getting removed Joke

After carefully considering and debating the matter for over two years, the Engwish Wanguage Centwaw Commission (EWCC) came to the concwusion that the letter Z should be remowed from the Engwish alphabet.

zero becomes xero
zoo is now xoo

visualize becomes visualise
analyze becomes analyse

zodiac is now xodiac

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

"Mommy, why does everyone at school pick on me?"

"I have no idea, Someoneyourownsize"

MOM! I'm being called gay in school.

Who is calling you that son?

A bunch of cute boys.

When I die I'm going to donate my body to science.

That's the only way I'll ever get into medical school.

A middle school boy comes home crying...

His dad asks, "What's wrong, son?" "A boy at school called me gay!" the son replied. The dad then says, "Well, if he does it again, you can punch him in the face." The boy then stated, "But he's cute!"

Studying engineering in school is like World War 2.

The objective is clear, there's an obvious enemy, and everyone is fighting for the same cause.

Interviewing to get an engineering job is like Vietnam. Everybody tells you a different objective, you're not properly equipped for the environment, and the Asians are always one step ahead.

A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?"

"What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter.

"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"

Whats the difference between an al qaeda training camp and a school?

I dont know, I just fly the drones.

School joke

Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: Who just threw that?!
Boy: Me! I'm going home now.

Did you guys hear about the kid getting arrested for bringing a clock to school?

Sources say that the teachers were alarmed.

We had a band in High School called 1023 Megabytes.

We never made it to a gig.

When I was a kid adults would use swear words then apologise by saying 'Excuse my French'.

I still remember my first day at school when the teacher asked "Does anyone know any French?"

What's the difference between a Pakistani middle school and an Al Qaeda training ground?

I dunno, I just fly the drone.

I had a gay friend in high school...

...who fell into a coma. We called him Tomato: he was a fruit and a vegetable.

A young black Jew asks his father, "Dad, am I more black or more Jew?"...

"Why do you ask?" asks the Dad.

The boy says, "Well, a guy at school has a bike for sale for $150 and I can't decide if I want to haggle him down to $100, or just steal it."

Masturbating while looking in a mirror isn't wrong.

Unless it's a rear view mirror, and you're driving a school bus

To this day, my bully that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the positive side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

I did an essay on The Room.

For school, I had to write an essay based on a film, so I decided to do it on "The Room". I think I did well, because I got a hi mark.

A guy in school said that my clothes were gay

"Well, yes", I told him "they came out of the closet this morning."

My son came home from school absolutely ecstatic about gay marriage being legalised today.

"Why are you so happy?" I asked him, "Have you even got a boyfriend?"

He scowled at me and just said "It's the principle Dad"

"Really?" I replied "Well, at least it's not the priest again".

My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will bully him because of his name...

I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"

My friends and I experimented with sex in high school...

I was the control group

Germany opens a summer school for kids with ADD

Its a concentration camp

Why don't white supremacists take calculus in high school?

They don't want to see integration in their schools

a guy picking up his kids at school sees another kid and says loudly "god, what an ugly kid!"

The person standing next to him says "he's my son..."

The guy, pretty embarassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father"

"I'm his mom..."

What's the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Afghanistan elementary school?

I have no clue, I just fly the drone.

Son: Dad, a guy called me gay at the school today

Dad: Punch him in the face.

Son: But he is so cute.

I wanted to major in reverse psychology.

My dream school turned me down.

So I wrote them back and told them I wasn't even interested in their stupid program. They sent me a diploma.

why don't spiders go to school..

Because they learn everything on web.

:(

i know i suck at jokes.

After 23 school shootings in 2018

We did it. We finally banned straws.

A Jewish Black kid walks up to his dad and asks if he is more Black than Jewish.

"Why son?" The dad asks.
"Because there is a kid at school selling his bike for $50 and I was wondering if I should talk him down to $30 or just steal it."

A schoolboy rescues President Trump

A schoolboy walking home from school see Donald Trump* drowning in a pond. He dives him and saves him.

The president is very grateful and offers him a gift as a reward.

"All I want is a wheelchair" says the boy.

A wheelchair? Why do you need a wheelchair? the president asks.

Well, the boy explains, when my old man finds out I rescued you from drowning, he's gonna break both my legs.

*(

Why would Donald Trump run into an active school shooting, even if unarmed?

Because he knows one of his supporters would never shoot him

My Wife and I Were Sitting at a Table

At her high school reunion, when she kept staring at a drunken man swigging a beer as he sat at a nearby table.

I asked her "Do you know him?"

"Yes" she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago & he hasn't been sober since.

"WOW" I said. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating for so long?!?"

And that's when the fight started....

A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him

"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest

"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"

The priest shakes his head

"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" He says

"Follow me, Ill take you to the local primary school."

The principal at my school called me in to his office today. He said "I've just had a rock thrown through my window, are you responsible?"

No, I'm irresponsible. That's why I threw it.

Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia.

Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video - its hilarious.

Teacher: What do you do after school?

1st Student: I go and buy weed from Yakobo
2nd Student: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo.
3rd Student: I go and buy cocaine from Yakobo.
4th Student: I always stay at home and do my homework.
Teacher: You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What's your name?
4th Student: Yakoboο»Ώ

Mom, someone called me gangster at school today.

Mom: Dont worry I'll go tomorrow and solve this problem

Son: Make sure it looks like an accident.

I like how the girl that called me a loser in high school is now blowing up my phone

She sends me things like what are your plans for dinner and Your dad and I are going out for dinner there's food in the fridge

I deserve an award for beating up a school shooter...

I beat him up every day for nearly a year before he shot up the school.

I was dropping my kids off at school when I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children."

I'm going to miss them, but man this is a nice Rolex.

Every year, hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime school...

...never to be heard from again.

What's the difference between a Taliban outpost and a Pakistani Elementary school?

I don't know, I just fly the drone.

So I was standing behind this girl

I was standing behind this girl at a school dance while we were waiting to get some juice. She was really pretty, so I thought I'd break the ice with a joke.

I tapped her on the shoulder and said "Hey, what's blue and smells like red paint?"

She smiled and asked, "what?"

As I was about to open my mouth, I accidentally tripped and knocked over everyone in front of me. I never got to finish the joke, but that's how I totally screwed up the punch line.

Why was the math teacher late for school?

He took the rhombus

Say what you will against pedophiles, but at least...

they drive slowly in school zones.

Birth

A teenager comes home from school and asks her mother "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their dicks?"

"Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," responded the teenager "won't it knock my teeth out?"

School dances this year are going to be like Fortnite lobbies...

Lots of stupid dance moves and unnecessary shooting

A Dad picks his son up from school

Dad: what did you learn at school today, son?

Son: apparently not enough, I have to go back tomorrow.

Son: "I don't want to walk to school tomorrow, dad!" Dad: "When Abraham Lincoln was your age son, he had to walk 12 miles each day to get to school!" Son: "Well dad..."

"...when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was president!"

The Pope is teaching a Sunday school class

"Children" begins the Pope. "Where's Jesus today?"

Little Tommy says: "He's in my heart."

Little Barry says: "He's in Heaven."

Little Davey says: "He's in our bathroom."

The surprised Pope asks Little Davey how he knows this.

"Well," says Little Davey, "every day my Dad bangs on our bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?"

Just saw two elementary school kids in a fistfight...

So as an adult, I had to step in.

They didn't stand a chance.

What is SEX?

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

How to make School jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about School to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about School? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny School pick up lines to share with friends.

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