Schedule Jokes

70 schedule jokes and hilarious schedule puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about schedule that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Struggling with busy work days and deadlines? Lighten up the mood with some schedule jokes! From the difficulty of creating a sleep schedule to juggling multiple timelines, find out how to get a few laughs out of your daily planning!

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Funniest Schedule Short Jokes

Short schedule jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The schedule humour may include short booking jokes also.

  1. Ever wondered why starwars episode 4,5 and 6 came before episode 1,2 and 3. Because, incharge of scheduling Yoda was
  2. Dude explaining how he made his first $10 million: Get up at 5:00AM every day
    90 minutes of cardio
    Take a cold shower
    Schedule out your day
    Dad owns Fortune 500 company
  3. I think my wife loves yoga more than she loves me. When I want her to do something, she'll only do it if it fits into her schedule. Meanwhile, she'll bend over backwards for yoga
  4. Why did Star Wars come out in the order of 4,5,6,1,2,3,7,8,9? in charge of scheduling, I was
  5. TIL the Titanic was scheduled to have an evacuation drill the same day it sank but was canceled by the captain. Now let that sink in.
  6. I have a really healthy sleep schedule. I sleep at least eight hours a day And at least ten a night.
  7. I couldn't schedule an appointment today at my local library Apparently they're fully booked
  8. I called the Doctors to schedule an appointment... Me: I need a doctor's appointment...
    Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?...
    Me: No, I don't need that many
  9. Did you hear about the guy who was scheduled to get a brain transplant? He changed his mind.
  10. For the Star Wars Lovers Obi-Wan: Why did the movies come out 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3, 7, 8, 9?
    Yoda: In charge of scheduling, I was.

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Schedule One Liners

Which schedule one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with schedule? I can suggest the ones about plans and agenda.

  1. Next week I have an MRI scheduled to find out whether or not I have claustrophobia.
  2. How does the summer solstice organize its schedule? It "suns" everything up.
  3. How does earth and mars schedule a vacation They planet
  4. What's the most popular time to schedule a dentist appointment? Tooth hurty.
  5. We need to break up... ...your busy schedule with some well deserved snuggle time!
  6. I tried to schedule an appointment at the library. They were overbooked.
  7. How does batman schedule a task on his computer? With a .bat script
  8. My doctor scheduled me for a MRI. He wants to see if I have claustrophobia.
  9. Today I held open a door for a feminist My court hearing is scheduled for next Tuesday.
  10. Why did Al Gore have to schedule a dentist appointment? Because of an inconvenient tooth.
  11. I like my sleep schedule like I like my love life Non-existent
  12. What do you call a knight who has a good sleep schedule Circadian Rhythm
  13. Genderqueers must have a tough time scheduling.. Because they don't have agenda
  14. When is Fight Club scheduled to reopen? there's no telling
  15. What's on the 3rd and 4th page of a Ford's manual? Bus and train schedules

Work Schedule Jokes

Here is a list of funny work schedule jokes and even better work schedule puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My friend asked out a girl that works for Comcast "Do I need to schedule a date window? Like sometime between 1 and 3 or 6 to 9?"
    Made me laugh, thought you guys might enjoy it too
  • The astrophysics class I wanted to take filled up. Now I need to figure out what other course will work for my schedule and major. It's not rocket science.
  • The recent scandal has interfered with Kevin Spacey's schedule... He says he got a little behind in his work.
  • Why do all farm trucks in the Midwest have 4x4 decals on them? It's their work schedule. Four weeks in the spring and four weeks in the Fall.
  • I was hard at work when my boss walked in Now I have to schedule a meeting with HR
  • Hippie T-Shirt shop manager giving out work schedules: "We all tie-dye one day"
  • Dr. Strange comes out tomorrow And I'm scheduled to work the same day. I'm really considering calling in sick. I'm just gonna tell my boss that I have to go see the doctor.
  • I wish my s**... life was like my work schedule If that were the case I'd always finish last.

Sleep Schedule Jokes

Here is a list of funny sleep schedule jokes and even better sleep schedule puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • So if figured out the best way to fix a bad sleeping schedule... Play The Witcher 3
  • My s**... life is like my sleep schedule... ...I don't get enough and when I do, it's underwhelming.
Schedule joke, My s**... life is like my sleep schedule...

Schedule joke, My s**... life is like my sleep schedule...

Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Schedule Jokes with Friends.

What funny jokes about schedule you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean calendar jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make schedule pranks.

Wrong Email

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's f**.... He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

The fishing trip

So four high school friends have gone fishing together every year for the last two decades. That was until this year, when Jim had to inform the group he couldn't make it.
"Look, it's the wife. She's been saying I haven't been spending enough time with her."
Of course, the others were upset but told him they couldn't rearrange all the schedules to make it work out this year, so they stuck to the date.
The morning of trip, the guys are unloading on the dock when Jim comes running up with his stuff.
"What's the deal, Jim?" asked one of the fishermen.
"So I came home from work last night and I found my wife in the bedroom. She was laying down with a spool of rope, some duct tape and a ball-gag, and told me how she's been reading *50 Shades of Grey*. She told me to tie her up and do anything I want. So, uhh, here I am!"

Importance of Planning

Why planning is important?
One night four college students were playing till late night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.
See below for the question paper.
Q.1. Your Name…….. ………
Q.2. Which tyre burst?
(98 MARKS)
a) Front left
b) Front right
c) Back left
d) Back right

Three guys show up in heaven

Three men end up at the pearly gates at the same time. St. Peter remarks that he was behind schedule and needed each to explain how they died.
The first guy said he was driving to work and he suddenly got the feeling that his wife was cheating on him. He turned around and went straight home and made a complete search of his house. His wife continually denied the affair, and with each denial he grew angrier. Finally, he pushed his refrigerator out his apartment window. His wife was suddenly scared and confessed her affair. The guy was so distraught, he jumped out the very same window to his death.
St. Peter said the death was understandable and let him in.
When the second guy steps up, St. Peter asks how he did. The second guy says, "I was just walking down the street, minding my own business when a refrigerator fell on me. St. Peter lets him in.
The third guy is asked the same question. His response: "I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business..."

firing squad

Three prisoners, an American, a German, and a p**..., are scheduled to be executed by firing squad. They bring out the American and stand him in front of the pole. He points and shouts, "Tornado!" They all look and the American runs away. Next, they place the German in front of the firing squad. He yells "Earthquake!" They all hit the dust and the German escapes. Next up is the p**.... He looks around and shouts "Fire!"

I'm scheduled for a vasectomy next Wednesday, but I am a little worried.

I hear it can make a vas deferens in my s**... life.

A man rushes into a psychiatrist's office and shouts "Doctor, you have to help me! I think I'm invisible."

The shrink looks at his appointment schedule and says "I'm sorry, I can't see you right now."

Last request

The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.
As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.
The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."

David calls up his brother Mike to schedule their annual family trip.

He tells him they're leaving Saturday to go to Detroit. Mike asks, "wait a minute, why Detroit?"
David answers, "Well, you know that thing old ladies do, where they set up a map on a dart board, and wherever it lands is where they go?"
Mike couldn't resist a chuckle, and says back to him "Yeah, i know that one."
"Well, I missed and hit the trash can."

I had a t**... scheduled for last night.

There were a couple of noshows but I still had fun.

I showed up to my dentist high

I don't know what bothered him more, me being high and making noise in the waiting room or the part where I wasn't scheduled to come in that day.

Would the person who schedules the girls at a brothel... called the w**...-ganizer?

Ronald Reagan got into hot water for telling this joke at the S.A.L.T. talks

Russian citizen goes to the Volga car dealership to buy his first car . Dealer says ''that'll be 20,000 Rubles , and we'll deliver it to you TEN YEARS FROM TODAY''. Man asks ''Morning or afternoon?'' Dealer says ''What's the difference , it's ten years from today''. Man says ''Well , the plumber is scheduled for that morning.''

Our lives are so busy that my girlfriend and I have started scheduling s**....

Of course, I came early and she's late.


Doctor: Mr. Franco, I'm sorry to tell you that your leg has developed gangrene, and if we don't amputate immediately, you may die due to infection.
Shall I schedule the surgery?
Mr. Franco: Hmm... I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $55,555.55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.

Does anyone know if j**... Falwell Jr. is still scheduled to speak at the Republican National Convention?

Or is he just going to sit in the corner and watch?

I was asked to deliver a eulogy at a f**... that is scheduled for 5:00am.

I had to decline. I'm not much of a mourning person.

I asked a girl from my school out for a date; she only responded with a comment about our classes schedules

something about not having Chemistry together

A man and his wife are having troubles in the bed room.

He can't get the engine started and when he does she doesn't want to drive it home. One day the call and schedule a meeting with a specialist. They spare no expense and get the best guy money can buy. On the day of their appointment the husband and wife each get pulled into meetings right before they are supposed to leave. They call each other and the husband says "we should call and tell them about how we won't make it" and the wife says.
"Why bother, he already knows we're not coming".

Dude explaining how he made his first $10 million:

1. Get up at 5:00AM every day
2. 90 minutes of cardio
3. Take a cold shower
4. Journal
5. Schedule out your day
6. Dad owns Fortune 500 company
7. Meditate

The Superman 2 movie and a documentary about the Moon Landing had accidently been scheduled at the same time for the Lunar Background part of the movie lot. They argued about who should get to use it first, but then they remembered:

Neil before Zod.

My son asked why sStar Wars movies came out 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3…

I answered in my best yoda impersonation: 'in charge of scheduling, I was'
My son loved it, I heard a sigh from my SO, and when I looked at her, she just shook her head.

My final work dad joke

I always include a dad joke on the schedule for my employees (which this sub helps out with when I can't think of one, thank you). Next Friday is my last day, and this is the last schedule I'm sending to them. We work in a bookstore, and my final, cringe inducing joke to them is:
After careful consideration, I've decided to leave my job at the bookstore.
_It's time to turn the page to a new chapter in my life_
Pretty bad even by my standards, but it felt right.

Millennial old folks homes are gonna be awesome!

LAN parties, DnD nights, wheelchair races, having awesome songs from the 2000's as our golden oldies! It'll be great, especially if we can line up our work schedules!


A dentist ran out of anesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled. He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's b**... when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction. It all happened in an instant. The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth. Afterwards, the dentist asked, Hurt much? The patient hesitated, Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!

Two elves are winding down in the North Pole bar after a long day of making toys.

After downing some shots of peppermint schnapps, the first elf says to the second, That COVID outbreak in China has really messed up the toy production schedule. I don't think Santa has ever pushed us so hard! .
The second one added, Yeah, things were so bad today that Rudolph and Blitzen were even called in to work on the assembly line.
The first one got an odd look on his face and said, Well, that explains why those Raisinets I found on the floor tasted so strange.

Schedule joke

jokes about schedule