The Best 44 Schedule Jokes
Following is our collection of funniest Schedule jokes. There are some schedule maguire jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these schedule work puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Funny Schedule Jokes and Puns
Three guys show up in heaven
Three men end up at the pearly gates at the same time. St. Peter remarks that he was behind schedule and needed each to explain how they died.
The first guy said he was driving to work and he suddenly got the feeling that his wife was cheating on him. He turned around and went straight home and made a complete search of his house. His wife continually denied the affair, and with each denial he grew angrier. Finally, he pushed his refrigerator out his apartment window. His wife was suddenly scared and confessed her affair. The guy was so distraught, he jumped out the very same window to his death.
St. Peter said the death was understandable and let him in.
When the second guy steps up, St. Peter asks how he did. The second guy says, "I was just walking down the street, minding my own business when a refrigerator fell on me. St. Peter lets him in.
The third guy is asked the same question. His response: "I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business..."
A women goes to the doctors office...
The doctor comes in and asks whats wrong.
Women: "Well have been having really loud farts lately, and I don't know what to do, and it is quite embarrassing."
Doctor: "Well does it smell?"
Women: "No, Just really loud."
All of a sudden, she cuts one right in front of the the doctor.
Doctor: "Ah, I see. I will schedule you for surgery right away."
Women: "For my stomach?"
Doctor: "No for your nose."
I'm scheduled for a vasectomy next Wednesday, but I am a little worried.
I hear it can make a vas deferens in my sex life.
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Why did Al Gore have to schedule a dentist appointment?
Because of an inconvenient tooth.
My friend asked out a girl that works for Comcast
"Do I need to schedule a date window? Like sometime between 1 and 3 or 6 to 9?"
Made me laugh, thought you guys might enjoy it too
I scheduled my wisdom tooth extraction for September 11th...
I know there's a joke in here somewhere but I can't find it. Help me out?
A man rushes into a psychiatrist's office and shouts "Doctor, you have to help me! I think I'm invisible."
The shrink looks at his appointment schedule and says "I'm sorry, I can't see you right now."
The astrophysics class I wanted to take filled up. Now I need to figure out what other course will work for my schedule and major.
It's not rocket science.
What kind of appointment does a doctor schedule for a prostitute
A swallow up
Met a contortionist, said, "When you wanna get sexual?"
She said, "However I fit in your schedule. I'm flexible."
You can explore schedule deadlines reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean schedule programme dad jokes. There are also schedule puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
David calls up his brother Mike to schedule their annual family trip.
He tells him they're leaving Saturday to go to Detroit. Mike asks, "wait a minute, why Detroit?"
David answers, "Well, you know that thing old ladies do, where they set up a map on a dart board, and wherever it lands is where they go?"
Mike couldn't resist a chuckle, and says back to him "Yeah, i know that one."
"Well, I missed and hit the trash can."
I don't have a 8am meeting on a Monday
I don't have a 8am meeting on a Monday. My calendar shows an "alternative schedule".
I tried to schedule an appointment at the Library
... but I couldn't because they were fully booked.
No one on the stage production crew had checked the schedule for the day.
"I'm not making a scene, YOU'RE making a scene!!!"
I tried to schedule an appointment at the library.
They were overbooked.
What's the most popular time to schedule a dentist appointment?
Tooth hurty.
I called the Doctors to schedule an appointment...
Me: I need a doctor's appointment...
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?...
Me: No, I don't need that many
We need to break up...
...your busy schedule with some well deserved snuggle time!
I got a good deal on a sweet used car...
It even came with a free plastic bag and a bus schedule!
How does batman schedule a task on his computer?
With a .bat script
The recent scandal has interfered with Kevin Spacey's schedule...
He says he got a little behind in his work.
You're so unhealthy...
...your doctor suggested you schedule a **dis**appointment
I was hard at work when my boss walked in
Now I have to schedule a meeting with HR
I couldn't schedule an appointment today at my local library
Apparently they're fully booked
I thought it was coffee break...
... when I saw "Java Script" on schedule.
Then I realize it was Speech n Drama.
I have a really healthy sleep schedule. I sleep at least eight hours a day
And at least ten a night.
I'm always running behind schedule
He's a fast guy, I can't keep up
I called my podiatrist's office to schedule an appointment...
...but they only have limp-ins.
I like my sleep schedule like I like my love life
Non-existent
Amputate?
Doctor: Mr. Franco, I'm sorry to tell you that your leg has developed gangrene, and if we don't amputate immediately, you may die due to infection.
Shall I schedule the surgery?
Mr. Franco: Hmm... I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no.
My sex life is like my sleep schedule...
...I don't get enough and when I do, it's underwhelming.
I scheduled an appointment with the dentist
Today, 2:30
As I told my son...
I'm nearly 60 and I remember where all the pre-teens live, now why can't you remember your class schedule?
Retail Joke
A man goes to a job interview at a local grocery store. The interviewer asks him, "So what kind of schedule are you looking for?". The man replies,"Monday to Friday, nine to five."
Why do all farm trucks in the Midwest have 4x4 decals on them?
It's their work schedule. Four weeks in the spring and four weeks in the Fall.
I just talked to a furloughed federal employee and told him McConnell might schedule a vote soon to reopen the government. Was there anything he particularly hoped for?
Mitch better have my money.
The foreman at my bridge construction site is always rushing things. But when I got the beams set ahead of schedule he didn't believe me.
Nobody expects the span is in position.
After charging morbidly obese people extra for their plane seats, air traffic companies hatched a plan to schedule special flights for morbidly obese people in the future...
but it never took off.
I wish my sex life was like my work schedule
If that were the case I'd always finish last.
My buddy tried to schedule his surgery for the weekend
Secretary told him they only book during hours of operation.
What do you call a knight who has a good sleep schedule
Circadian Rhythm
I returned home to see a black man in my living room demanding money
My roommate always likes to collect rent on schedule
How does earth and mars schedule a vacation
They planet
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the schedule sabotage jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working schedule primal piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.