Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Schedule Jokes with Friends.
Three guys show up in heaven
Three men end up at the pearly gates at the same time. St. Peter remarks that he was behind schedule and needed each to explain how they died.
The first guy said he was driving to work and he suddenly got the feeling that his wife was cheating on him. He turned around and went straight home and made a complete search of his house. His wife continually denied the affair, and with each denial he grew angrier. Finally, he pushed his refrigerator out his apartment window. His wife was suddenly scared and confessed her affair. The guy was so distraught, he jumped out the very same window to his death.
St. Peter said the death was understandable and let him in.
When the second guy steps up, St. Peter asks how he did. The second guy says, "I was just walking down the street, minding my own business when a refrigerator fell on me. St. Peter lets him in.
The third guy is asked the same question. His response: "I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business..."
A women goes to the doctors office...
The doctor comes in and asks whats wrong.
Women: "Well have been having really loud farts lately, and I don't know what to do, and it is quite embarrassing."
Doctor: "Well does it smell?"
Women: "No, Just really loud."
All of a sudden, she cuts one right in front of the the doctor.
Doctor: "Ah, I see. I will schedule you for surgery right away."
Women: "For my stomach?"
Doctor: "No for your nose."
I'm scheduled for a vasectomy next Wednesday, but I am a little worried.
I hear it can make a vas deferens in my s**... life.
Why did Al Gore have to schedule a dentist appointment?
Because of an inconvenient tooth.
My friend asked out a girl that works for Comcast
"Do I need to schedule a date window? Like sometime between 1 and 3 or 6 to 9?"
Made me laugh, thought you guys might enjoy it too
I scheduled my wisdom tooth extraction for September 11th...
I know there's a joke in here somewhere but I can't find it. Help me out?
A man rushes into a psychiatrist's office and shouts "Doctor, you have to help me! I think I'm invisible."
The shrink looks at his appointment schedule and says "I'm sorry, I can't see you right now."
The astrophysics class I wanted to take filled up. Now I need to figure out what other course will work for my schedule and major.
It's not rocket science.
What kind of appointment does a doctor schedule for a p**...
A s**... up
Met a contortionist, said, "When you wanna get s**...?"
She said, "However I fit in your schedule. I'm flexible."
David calls up his brother Mike to schedule their annual family trip.
He tells him they're leaving Saturday to go to Detroit. Mike asks, "wait a minute, why Detroit?"
David answers, "Well, you know that thing old ladies do, where they set up a map on a dart board, and wherever it lands is where they go?"
Mike couldn't resist a chuckle, and says back to him "Yeah, i know that one."
"Well, I missed and hit the trash can."
You can explore schedule deadlines reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean schedule programme dad jokes. There are also schedule puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I don't have a 8am meeting on a Monday
I don't have a 8am meeting on a Monday. My calendar shows an "alternative schedule".
I tried to schedule an appointment at the Library
... but I couldn't because they were fully booked.
No one on the stage production crew had checked the schedule for the day.
"I'm not making a scene, YOU'RE making a scene!!!"
I tried to schedule an appointment at the library.
They were overbooked.
What's the most popular time to schedule a dentist appointment?
Tooth hurty.
I called the Doctors to schedule an appointment...
Me: I need a doctor's appointment...
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?...
Me: No, I don't need that many
We need to break up...
...your busy schedule with some well deserved snuggle time!
I got a good deal on a sweet used car...
It even came with a free plastic bag and a bus schedule!
How does batman schedule a task on his computer?
With a .bat script
The recent scandal has interfered with Kevin Spacey's schedule...
He says he got a little behind in his work.
You're so unhealthy...
...your doctor suggested you schedule a **dis**appointment
I was hard at work when my boss walked in
Now I have to schedule a meeting with HR
I couldn't schedule an appointment today at my local library
Apparently they're fully booked
I thought it was coffee break...
... when I saw "Java Script" on schedule.
Then I realize it was Speech n Drama.
I have a really healthy sleep schedule. I sleep at least eight hours a day
And at least ten a night.
I'm always running behind schedule
He's a fast guy, I can't keep up
I called my podiatrist's office to schedule an appointment...
...but they only have limp-ins.
I like my sleep schedule like I like my love life
Non-existent
Amputate?
Doctor: Mr. Franco, I'm sorry to tell you that your leg has developed gangrene, and if we don't amputate immediately, you may die due to infection.
Shall I schedule the surgery?
Mr. Franco: Hmm... I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no.
My s**... life is like my sleep schedule...
...I don't get enough and when I do, it's underwhelming.
I scheduled an appointment with the dentist
Today, 2:30
Why do all farm trucks in the Midwest have 4x4 decals on them?
It's their work schedule. Four weeks in the spring and four weeks in the Fall.
I just talked to a furloughed federal employee and told him McConnell might schedule a vote soon to reopen the government. Was there anything he particularly hoped for?
Mitch better have my money.
The foreman at my bridge construction site is always rushing things. But when I got the beams set ahead of schedule he didn't believe me.
Nobody expects the span is in position.
After charging morbidly obese people extra for their plane seats, air traffic companies hatched a plan to schedule special flights for morbidly obese people in the future...
but it never took off.
I wish my s**... life was like my work schedule
If that were the case I'd always finish last.
My buddy tried to schedule his surgery for the weekend
Secretary told him they only book during hours of operation.
What do you call a knight who has a good sleep schedule
Circadian Rhythm
I returned home to see a black man in my living room demanding money
My roommate always likes to collect rent on schedule
How does earth and mars schedule a vacation
They planet
A man and his wife are having troubles in the bed room.
He can't get the engine started and when he does she doesn't want to drive it home. One day the call and schedule a meeting with a specialist. They spare no expense and get the best guy money can buy. On the day of their appointment the husband and wife each get pulled into meetings right before they are supposed to leave. They call each other and the husband says "we should call and tell them about how we won't make it" and the wife says.
"Why bother, he already knows we're not coming".
Dude explaining how he made his first $10 million:
1. Get up at 5:00AM every day
2. 90 minutes of cardio
3. Take a cold shower
4. Journal
5. Schedule out your day
6. Dad owns Fortune 500 company
7. Meditate
My final work dad joke
I always include a dad joke on the schedule for my employees (which this sub helps out with when I can't think of one, thank you). Next Friday is my last day, and this is the last schedule I'm sending to them. We work in a bookstore, and my final, cringe inducing joke to them is:
After careful consideration, I've decided to leave my job at the bookstore.
_It's time to turn the page to a new chapter in my life_
Pretty bad even by my standards, but it felt right.
Dude explaining how he made his first $10 million:
Get up at 5:00AM every day
90 minutes of cardio
Take a cold shower
Journal
Schedule out your day
Dad owns Fortune 500 company
Meditate
Four doctors are sitting in a boat in the reeds, duck hunting.
The family practitioner spots a flock of fowl flying overhead, turns to the specialist and says: "I think those are ducks. I need a second opinion."
The specialist says: "I can schedule you in for a consult in two months."
The surgeon picks up his shotgun. BLAM-BLAM-BLAM!!! Three of the birds fall down into the water. He turns to the pathologist and says: "Run a test on them, will you, and see if they're ducks."
Two elves are winding down in the North Pole bar after a long day of making toys.
After downing some shots of peppermint schnapps, the first elf says to the second, That COVID outbreak in China has really messed up the toy production schedule. I don't think Santa has ever pushed us so hard! .
The second one added, Yeah, things were so bad today that Rudolph and Blitzen were even called in to work on the assembly line.
The first one got an odd look on his face and said, Well, that explains why those Raisinets I found on the floor tasted so strange.
