Delightful Fun Scene Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
Sad news....I lost my job as a stage designer,
I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.
Depressed race car mechanic.
Scene: a psychiatrists practice:
'Doc, I'm a mechanic I work for a racecar driver. It's utterly depressing ... I get to fix his car up, maintain it, tune it to perfection. But never -not once- have I been allowed to take it for a spin. It's crushing a depressing to think that such a wonderful thing is out there purring, but I'll never get to enjoy it. ...'
'Well sir, I think I understand just fine, my brother in law has the exact same problem.'
'Is he a mechanic too doc?'
'No, a gynecologist'
I witnessed a huge accident on the highway today involving a semi truck packed full of toupees that overturned.
police are still there combing the scene.
I remember directing a play and I thought I'd spice it up a bit by adding a lesbian shower scene...
Some say I'm the fresh and bold thing that theatre needs, others that I ruined the nativity.
Baking a Cake
A family was out at a movie and there was a s**... scene. Their little girl asks "What are they doing?"
Her mom replies "They are baking a cake." On the way home they saw two people in the park having s**.... The little girl asks the same question. Her mother replies "They are baking a cake honey."
The next morning the little girl asked her mom "Were you and daddy baking a cake last night?"
Her mom says "No of course not, why?"
"Because I licked the icing off the couch."
I quietly left my job as a set designer...
I didn't want to make a scene.
Two black guys are walking down the road when they are run over by a drunk-driving cop...
The first guy went through the windshield and the second guy was thrown 50 feet and landed in the ditch.
The first black guy was charged with breaking and entering, and the second guy was charged with leaving the scene of an accident.
What's the dating scene like at MIT?
Carbon-14 is the most common method, I believe.
A man was walking in Central Park in NYC...
Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says, "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".
The man says, "But I am not a New Yorker!"
"Oh ,then it will say in newspapers tomorrow morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" the policeman replied.
"But I am not even an American!" Says the man.
"Oh, what are you then?" The policeman asks.
The man replies, "I am a Saudi!"
The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog."
An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident
where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.
"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.
"Shuure ave mate" grins Steve.
"I realise you are very drunk sir," states the officer, "but that is absolutely no excuse to let your wife drive you home!"
A 4th grade '49ers fan in Dallas
The scene is a 4th grade classroom in Dallas, Texas. The teacher asks for a show of hands:
"Hey kids, how many of you are Dallas Cowboys fans?"
Everyone in the class raises their hand, except for little Suzy. The teacher says:
"Little Suzy, I notice you didn't raise your hand. Why is that?" Little Suzy responds:
"Because I'm a 49ers fan!"
"A 49ers fan?," the teacher asks incredulously, "Why on Earth are you a 49ers fan?"
"Because my Mommy is a 49ers fan, my Daddy is a 49ers fan, so I'm a 49ers fan."
The teacher doesn't like Suzy's answer:
"Little Suzy, that's no kind of logic. What if your Daddy was a drug dealer and your Mommy was a p**...?"
Suzy doesn't blink an eye:
"Well then I'd be a Raiders fan!"
You can explore scene cameraman reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean scene landscape dad jokes. There are also scene puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Usain Bolt goes to a golf course...
He turns up and walks into the clubhouse to get his membership and play a round.
The receptionist says 'Sorry Sir, we don't allow black people in this golf club.'
'That is ridiculous, its 2014 and you don't allow black people in your golf club?'
'Please don't make a scene Sir, there is another gold club 5 minutes down the road and they will let you in.'
'But I'm Usain Bolt!'
'OK then, 2 minutes.'
How did Will Smith get caught for committing 1st degree m**...?
He left fresh prints all over the scene.
A cops calls for backup from a crime scene
This is officer John, please send backup, a woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.
Have you arrested the woman?
No Sir, the floor is still wet.
Police talking on the radio...
* Sergeant, we've arrived at the scene.
* So, what's the situation?
* A woman killed her husband. There were 35 stab wounds, two gunshot wounds, and after decapitating him, she finally burned his body.
* Wow, what was the reason she gave for the crime?
* He stepped where she was cleaning the floor.
* Did you manage to capture the woman?
* No, Sergeant. We are waiting for the floor to dry ...
I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching
To reverse and leaving the scene
I once went on a date with a playwright
It was all going well, until she started making a scene
An old lady shot her husband on the foot ...
An old lady shot her husband in the foot for stepping on the floor right after she mopped.
An officer reached on the scene and radioed into the station.
Station: "Has the women been arrested ? "
Officer: "No, the floor is still wet ...."
In a crime scene....
"So, Rookie, What do you make of all this?"
"Well, the vic was found n**... in bed, severely beaten to death. Sounds like a clear cut m**... case if you ask me"
"close. Our prime suspect is his wife, a morbidly obese woman who says he asked to be on the bottom during s**..."
"So it was a s**... then...."
A man is sitting in the dock at court.
The judge asks the man for his occupation.
"I'm a locksmith, your honour", the defendant replies.
"And what were you doing at the jewellers at three in the morning when police arrived at the scene", the judge inquires.
"I was making a bolt for the door".
A man is taking his son for a walk...
A man takes his son for a walk in his carriage. As he pushes him along, the baby is screaming and crying.
He says "Calm down, Carl."
The baby continues to cry and make a scene.
"It's going to be okay, Carl," the father murmurs.
After a while, a woman approaches and starts speaking to him.
"You must really care about your son Carl to take him on a walk to calm him down."
"No, I'm Carl."
Watching a s**... scene with my parents is so awkward.
My mom is such a bad actress.
I want to reenact a scene from 50 Shades of Gray....
Y'know the one where she gets a job right out of college.
Art Thief
A mastermind thief infiltrates The Louvre and steals several paintings. He loads them all into his van and drives off. A few blocks away, his van breaks down. When the police arrive on the scene, one of the officers asks the mastermind how something like this could happen if he was so smart. The mastermind replies with "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
We must follow our policy. . .
I was at the airport the other day to pick someone up but their flight was delayed so I wandered around a bit. I noticed a big scene at one of the airline check ins. there was this agitated vulture holding a couple of dead possums arguing loudly with a whole group of ticket agents. I kinda felt bad for the guy but the airline did have a one carrion policy.
I'm making a film about emos.
I really need to stop saying "cut!" at the end of each scene.
In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare's Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.
"Hello."
A bank robber gets hold of the cash he needs but before fleeing the scene he demands the regular customers to stand in a line
The bank robber ask the first guy in line: "did you see what happened here?"
First guy: "I sure did! And I'm gonna tell the police exactly what happened and what you look lik..."
The bank robber shoots him in the head and ask the next in line the same question.
Second guy: "I assure you I did not see a thing... but my wife here did"
I was wrongly fired from my job as a stage designer today...
I left without making a scene.
A policeman arrives at the crime scene
"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?"
"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan."
"How do you know that?"
"He told me as he was running off."
Three kids are in a park with their father
The first child approaches the father and asks,
"Dad, why am I named Dandy?"
Father responds,
"Because a dandelion fell on your head when you were born."
Second kid comes up and asks
"Dad, why am I named Rose?"
Dad responds,
"Because a rose fell on your head when you were born."
Third kid runs up screaming,
"HRJSOAOSBRBRJFIDISOSBBPPPBFFFSSSS"
Dad gets up and shouts at the third one, causing a scene,
"SHUT UP BRICK!"
The dating scene at Hogwarts must really s**....
Since every girl there has a magic wand, they don't really need the boys at all.
In the original 'Good Will Hunting' script, there is a surprise gay s**... scene between the two straight leads. It was purposely put there as a test to see if studios actually read the script. Harvey Weinstein was the only producer who mentioned the scene
Weinstein said that the s**... scene usually takes place before he approves a movie
I just saved a ton on car insurance....
By fleeing the scene.
I'm gonna dress up as Forest Gump tonight and go to the movies and make a a scene.
Then I will have to apologize for ruining their Black Panther party
09:51 Arrive at the crime scene.
09:51 Find m**... victim.
09:51 Cordon off the area.
09:51 Start searching for m**... weapon.
09:51 Realise watch has stopped.
I lost my job as a stage designer.
I left without making a scene.
Two police officers walk into a crime scene.
They see two people lying dead on the floor. The victims are holding a piece of w**... each. Their eyes are red and their skin is dry.
One officer turns to the other and says: "Looks like a joint s**...."
They say criminals often return to the scene of the crime
That must be why there's so many Australians in London nowadays
2 police officers were called to a domestic a**...,
2 police officers were called to a domestic a**... call. when they got there they had to call for backup. 2 police cars showed up making it 6 officers at the scene,
they called headquarters and spoke to their Captain.
"Captain we have a m**... here"
"what happened?"
"a wife shot and killed her husband for walking on her still wet mopped kitchen floor"
"well, have you arrested her yet?"
"Not yet, the kitchen floor is still wet."
A German was packing his luggage for holiday when his wife interrupts him...
"I hope you're not going to bring sausages again", she said, "They exploded everywhere last time and caused a frightful scene!"
"It'll be fine", He said, "Stop worrying about the wurst case scenario".
They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.
No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.
A blonde and a brunette
decide to go to the movies together. The picture had a scene with a horse race in it. Before the race starts, he brunette turns to the blonde and says "I'll bet you fifty dollars the black horse wins." The blonde says "OK, you're on!" The scene ends with the black horse barely winning, so the blonde pays up. The brunette decides to confess; "I have to admit that I saw this movie last week." The blonde replies, "So did I, but I didn't think that black horse could possibly win a second time!"
A detective is investigating a crime scene in Mexico.
A cop fills him in on what happened.
Apparently the killer is riddled with dementia and considers the train his lover, so he killed the train operator out of jealousy
Wow says the detective, looking up at the train in question.
That's some locomotive
I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching
Into reverse and then leaving the scene.
Want to save 15% or more on car insurance?
Just leave the scene of the accident
A policeman is told to write a report at a crime scene.
Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the pawemant......he is lying on the pave.........p a v e
*The policeman kicks the body onto the street*
Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the street.
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime?
I think they just ransomware.
A detective story
11:45 - arrived at crime scene
11:45 - Examined body. Signs of struggle
11:45 - Found m**... weapon in drain
11:45 - Realised watch was broken
I successfully quit my job as an animator without making a scene, so I had a party to celebrate...
and everybody brought gifs.
Watching Queen's Gambit really put me in the holiday spirit. Especially the scene where the player are in the hotel lobby bragging about the matches they won
I love chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
11:45 Arrive at the crime scene
11:45 Examine body, signs of a struggle
11:45 Found m**... weapon in storm drain
11:45 Realize watch is broken
Someone broke into my house and stole my toilet.
Local police investigated the crime scene, but had nothing to go on.
So my dad died last year
We were in a car accident and my dad lost loads of blood. EMT came onto the scene but nobody could remember what his blood type is in time for them to give him a transfusion.
Even as he died, Dad kept telling us to "Be positive" but it's hard without you here Dad. Hope you're in a better place.
An emaciated man was found dead in his bathtub.
The apparent cause of death was starvation. Oddly, he still had enough food in his fridge, and no apparent mobility problems that would prevent him from getting to it. His relatives did not know of any mental problems either.
The best investigator in the city was called to the scene. She takes one look at the bathroom and asks the relatives,
"Was he a programmer?"
"Yes, why?"
She wordlessly shows them a large shampoo bottle with an instruction: "1. Apply the shampoo. 2. Rinse. 3. Repeat the procedure."
A lawyer is out for a drive when he gets violently sideswiped, seemingly out of nowhere.
A police officer arrives at the scene to take his statement, but the driver keeps ranting on and on about the damage to his car.
"My beautiful BMW! The g**... door was torn right off!"
The police officer rolls his eyes and says "You lawyers are so materialistic it makes me sick. Here you are, going on about your precious car, and you didn't even notice your left arm was torn off in the c**...."
The man looks down at the b**... stump, and with mounting horror, exclaims, "*My Rolex!*"
One morning a man came into the church on crutches
He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, then threw away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene, then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me, where is this man now?"
"Flat on his a**... over by the holy water."
Most people don't realize that the actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun: Maverick...
...is the same actor who played Wilson in the 2000 movie "Castaway".
An officer is at the scene of a car accident filling out a report...
Officer: "Let's see here, driver deceased.
Cause of death? Decapitation. Location of body? Torso in gutter, head in medeon... uh... meddi... medan..." *kicks head*... "Head also in gutter."
Just got fired from my job as a set designer.
I left without making a scene.
Scene at the supermarket...
Customer: Pardon me, but are these vegetables genetically modified?
Clerk: No, sir. Why do you ask?
Carrot: Yeah, why do you ask?
Scene (and heard) at the Confessional...
Man: Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I am 67 years old and I am dating a 22 year old.
Priest: Wait! I know that voice! Mr. Singh, is that you?
Man: Yes, father.
Priest: But you're not Catholic. Why are you telling me?
Man: I'm telling everyone.
Police were called to the scene of a suspected mass grave of snowmen
upon further investigation, it was determined to be a carrot patch
Sherlock Holmes arrives at a crime scene, and immediately bends down to pick up a button on the floor.
Hmm… Sherlock ponders, I deduce that the individual this button belongs to is 6' 1 , was born in January, and has a fascination with blueberry muffins.
Watson was completely confused by his partner's deduction.
How could you possibly get all that from just a button?
Elementary! Sherlock replied. Because it's mine!
I asked my proctologist friend if he had any luck with the dating scene.
He said he didn't have time because he had gotten behind at work.
Little known fact: as a joke, Peter Jackson made some of the Ents drink tea and chat in the background during the big fight scene at Isengard in the Two Towers
In other words, the real joke is in the calm Ents.
A fellow from the Midwest has to spend Christmas in the deep South.
He's there on business, and he misses the snow. He tries to cheer himself up by walking around looking at a Christmas crèche ( a tableau representing the Nativity scene ). He's shocked to see that the three wise men are dressed as firemen, in hats and boots and slickers. He asks a passerby why in the world they're dressed that way.
Annoyed, she says, "Don't you Yankees ever read the Bible? It says right in the Bible, the three wise men came from *a far!*"
Scene (and heard) in the doctor's office.
Patient: "Doctor! Doctor! You have to help me! I keep dreaming that I'm a deck of cards!"
Doctor: "I'll deal with you later."
A man crashes his car
When the cops arrive on the scene , he is protesting loudly that it's this woman's fault. Officer, she was texting on her phone and drinking a beer!
The officer replied Sir, she can do whatever she wants in her living room .
Have you guys scene the new john Wilkes booth movie?
I've heard it's mind blowing.
Whenever I'm in trouble, I ask myself what Jesus would do now.
And then I play dead and disappear from the scene for three days.
