Scattered Jokes
34 scattered jokes and hilarious scattered puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about scattered that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Scattered Short Jokes
Short scattered jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The scattered humour may include short scrambled jokes also.
- After my dad died, I went to his favorite park to scatter his remains A park employee came running, yelling "STOP! You cant do that here!"
I said "Why not?"
He said "You have to cremate him first!" - When I die, I want my friends to do two things: 1) Scatter my remains on my ex's front lawn. 2) Also, I don't want to be cremated.
- When my grandfather died we scattered his remains in the sea Everyone on the beach panicked because we didn't cremate him...
- Right now, my wife has a smoking hot bod... The ash scattering ceremony starts at 2:00 PM.
- When I die I'd like my remains to be scattered at Disney Land... Also, I don't want to be cremated.
- Todays weather forecast… S
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S
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W R
Scattered showers - When I die I want my remains to be scattered at my local beach.... I'm not getting cremated though.
- When I die, I want my remains to be scattered throughout Disney world. I don't want to be cremated.
- My pornstar friend recently passed away. Per his request, we had his ashes scattered over his wife's face.
- I have only two requests for when I die. #1. I want my remains scattered around Wrigley Field. \#2. I don't want to be cremated first.
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Scattered One Liners
Which scattered one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with scattered? I can suggest the ones about gathered and shattered.
- I want my remains scattered across the world I also don't want to be cremated.
- I just scattered my Grandfather's ashes... I wish he would empty his ashtray himself.
- Did you see that movie about scatter graphs? The plot was a bit all over the place.
- How come north Carolina is the bluest state? Raleigh scattering
- A statistician is overanalyzing a scatter plot You tell him, "Get to the point already!"
- A math pickup line...You're so hot....... You make me wanna SCATTER my PLOT.
:) - A tornado hit a local dairy farm. Da-Brie was scattered everywhere!
- What do you call hand warmers scattered throughout a room? Intermittens.
- What was Kurt Cobain's nickname? ... scatter brains
Giggle-Inducing Scattered Jokes for Joyful Times with Friends
What funny jokes about scattered you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tossed around jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make scattered pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated.
Their lovers happened to be at the f**... home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."
The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."
The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a p**... of chili, so he can tear my a**... up just one more time."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After my grandfather's f**......
I scattered his remains all over my back garden.
Which was horrible, because he hadn't been cremated.
How Do You Trap a Polar Bear?
You cut a hole in the ice and scatter peas around it. When the polar bear comes up to take a pea, kick him in the icehole.
That was one my dad used to tell, so it's 100% genuine dad joke.
I left three notes scattered around the house for my girlfriend.
I left three notes scattered around the house for my girlfriend. They say Will You and Me That will keep her busy whilst I watch football on TV.
Three doctors are talking about death
The first, a dentist, says, When I die, I think I'd like my tombstone to be shaped like a tooth made of white marble.
Hey, adds the cardiologist, that's not a bad idea, I'd love my tombstone to be shaped as a heart…
The gynecologist is silent for a bit, then says, I think scattering of the ashes is my option.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
LPT: Follow the given three steps in order to successfully accomplish a m**....
1. Set out a few high-mounted boxes with hole in the front of them.
2. Scatter about several boxes filled with cashews.
3. Be sure to do this in a place crows frequent.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
f**... Plans
When I die, I want to be cremated and my ashes scattered in the sea.
So when my family eats sushi they'll think of me.
A few bananas are planning a heist
Right before they leap into action, they decide to run through the process again so all bananas know what they're doing.
Firstly, two bananas will be creating a distraction a distance away from the heist. Then, the rest of the bananas will scatter to confuse the enemy and start the heist.
After going through the process a few more times, the bananas are certain that they know what to do, and thus a couple bananas peel off and the rest of the bananas split.
Scattered Ashes
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
The elderly woman says "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
Grandpa wanted his remains to be scattered on a beach when he died.
As soon as we started dumping the coolers, people freaked out and called the police on us.
How many roaches does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows. Once it turns on they all scatter.
Army Post
A friend of mine recently back from his time in the army told me about one night, at his military base when he woke up about 2am, went outside - and he saw doughnuts, eclairs, cakes of all sizes scattered over the yard - but not another person in sight. Then he realised...
They had desserted their post.
Couple police jokes
1) A hole has opened up on the motorway, the police are looking into it.
2) Someone has stolen the toilets at the police station, the police have nothing to go on.
3) A lorry carrying hair gel has tipped under suspicious cirumstances, over scattering it's content all over the road. The police are combing the area.
My daughter had a sleepover last night. I awoke to a mess of rice scattered all over the floor...
...turns out they were having a pilau fight.
