Scared Jokes
156 scared jokes and hilarious scared puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about scared that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Need a laugh? Look no further! This article is filled with funny, lighthearted jokes and puns about being scared of all sorts of things, including spiders, heights, flying, cats, and even a molester. Brace yourself for some "shitless" humor and an ominous pun or two!
Quick Jump To
- Short Scared Jokes
- Scared One Liners
- Scared Of Flying Jokes
- Scared Cat Jokes
- Scared Of Spider Jokes
- More Scared Jokes
Funniest Scared Short Jokes
Short scared jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The scared humour may include short terrified jokes also.
- Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted. For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.
- Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today... And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
- A guy in a plane stood up and shouted, HIJACK! All passengers got scared.
From the other end of the plane, a guy shouted back, HI JOHN! - Everyone knows why 6 was afraid of 7, but do you know why 10 was scared? 10 was in the middle of 9 11.
- Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year... ...so that's just being hippocritical...
- I used to be scared of pretty girls, So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.
- I asked my grandpa.. I asked my grandpa: After 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What's the secret?
Grandpa: I forgot her name 5 years ago and I'm scared to ask her. - Nobody was scared when the clown invasion started at the beach I mean, it's just one boat they said. How bad can it be? .
- I heard a bunch of Chinese people chanting "We want rights! We want rights!" They must be scared of the dark or something.
- I am really scared of encountering cougars when I go on a run If I ever saw one , I'd Puma Pants .
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Scared One Liners
Which scared one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with scared? I can suggest the ones about frightened and afraid.
- Why was 10 scared? He was in the middle of 9-11
- Scaring men is easy I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is..
- I want to make a joke about hurricane Harvey But I am scared my inbox will be flooded
- Apparently I snore so loudly that I scare everyone in the car I'm driving.
- I once got yelled at for peeing in a pool Scared me so much I almost fell in.
- I told my neighbor I was too scared to grow an apple tree. He said grow a pear.
- Apple farmers who are too scared to diversify should just grow a pear.
- In Iran, everyone's scared of spiders.. But in Iraq, no phobia.
- Scared of eating genetically modified fruit? Grow a pear.
- Why was Yoda scared of 7? Because 6 7 8.
- I'm scared of 5G It will only allow idiots to spread their conspiracy theories faster.
- Why didn't the dog want to go into outer space? Because he was scared of vacuums!
- I'd be very scared if I swallowed a cup of cement I'd be shittin' brick
- Why don't blind people like to skydive? It scares their dog
- How scared was the dinosaur? Petrified.
Scared Of Flying Jokes
Here is a list of funny scared of flying jokes and even better scared of flying puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A fly just blew up in my room I'm scared it might be a Jihadi longlegs
- Why was a happy couple weary to kiss at the gas station? They were scared of sparks flying.
- What do you call a scared fly? A flea
- How come sheeps don't fly........... Because they are scared of the Airwolf.
- What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies? No, seriously. This thing is scaring the h**... out me.
Scared Cat Jokes
Here is a list of funny scared cat jokes and even better scared cat puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I accidentally ran over and killed my neighbor's cat today... I was too scared to tell him to his face, so I left a note saying "curiosity was here."
- What did the cat say when he got scared? You're freaking meowt!
- Want to know how to scare burglars off? First: Put pictures of a tiger all around your house.
Second: Put a cat litter tray in your hallway and take a dump in it. - Why was the cat scared of the tree? Because of its bark
- What do cats think when they feel scared? Get meow'ta here
- How does a ghost dog scare a cat With boo-grrrs
- I don't know if my cat is scared of the vacuum cleaner or the broom. I only had him for six month.
- Why did the man put a dead tiger on his lawn? To scare off Cat burglars!
- cat get scared by ronaldo scream
- A young cat jumped out and scared a mouse and said. . . Just kitten.
Scared Of Spider Jokes
Here is a list of funny scared of spider jokes and even better scared of spider puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My girlfriend is so scared of spiders that she removes herself from the house until I get rid of them. I've been living alone and peacefully for six hours now.
- I met a web developer the other day and ran away as quickly as possible I'm scared of spiders
- A married man : I'm not scared of heights or spiders or snakes I'm only scared of not doing the dishes
Silly Scared Jokes for a Good Time with Friends
What funny jokes about scared you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean scary jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make scared pranks.
I scared the postman today by going to the door completely n**....
I'm not sure what scared him more. My n**... body or the fact I knew where he lived
Impact of a job change.
A taxi passenger touched the driver on shoulder to ask something
Driver screamed, lost control of the car, went up on the footpath & Stopped few centimeters from a shop
The driver said: "Don't ever do that again man! You scared me!"
Passenger apologized and said: "I didn't realize a little touch would scare you so much"
Driver replied: "Sorry, it's not your fault
Its my 1st day as a Cab driver...I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for last 25 yrs
Anyone there?
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled:
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?"
Then she heard a voice from far, far away:
"Hello! We're down here..."
A little boy and a clown are walking into the woods together holding hands
It's night time and everything is very dark.
The little boy turns to the clown and says "I'm scared"
To which the clown turns to him and replies "You're scared! I'm the one that's gotta walk out of here alone"
The boy and the clown
A clown and an 8 year-old boy are walking through a cemetery late at night when the boy becomes frightened and starts crying.
"I don't understand what you're scared and crying about" says the clown. "I'm the one who has to walk back alone..."
I came up with this when I was three years old.
What do you call an egg that's scared?
A chicken egg.
So a little boy and a child m**... are walking though a forest in the middle of the night.
The little boy says,"I'm scared."
So the m**... says,"You're scared? I've gotta walk back alone!"
A man stumbles across an old lamp.....
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"
The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete, how much steel!! No, think of another wish."
The man said "OK, I will try to think of a really good wish". Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing," know how to make them truly happy."
The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
They're scared of Wales.
Scariest thing ever
The scariest thing in the world is waking up with a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other. I was so scared I almost swerved off the road!
Tom Jones Syndrome
A woman goes to a doctor's office to get results back from a test she took a few weeks ago. The doctor sits her down and tells her "You have TJS, Tom Jones Syndrome." The woman, scared, asks "Is it rare?" and the doctor replies "It's not unusual"
Do these jeans make me look fat?
wife : Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me totally scared: Would you get mad if i tell you the truth?
Wife : No, i won't! Tell me.
Me : I slept with your sister
A Card
Man, am I scared! confided p**... to Seamus, looking furtively around the pub. I just got a card from a guy saying that he would shoot me if I did not stay away from his wife.
Well, stay away from his wife, advised Seamus, and you have got no problem.
How can I? moaned p**..., he did not sign his name.
A clown and a little girl walk through a dark forest.
The girl says, "I'm scared!"
The clown replies, "you think you're scared? I have to walk back alone!"
A bearded guy
A bearded, middle-eastern guy boards a plane. As soon as he enters he shouts "hijack!". All the passengers are scared to death. Some start crying. Then a white guy from the back stands up and says "oh hi Ahmed, didn't expect to see you here.."
An Atheist was in the woods and a bear came after him,
He got so scared, he looked up to heaven and yelled "OH MY GOD! Help me!"
And a voice from Heaven came down and asked, "Does that mean you want to be a Christian?"
The Atheist thinks a little bit and says, "No, make the bear a Christian."
The bear, almost ready to attack, then a miracle happened. The bear's paws came together in prayer form, looked up to Heaven and said, "Bless this food which I'm about to eat."
-Frank De Lima
Little Billy comes home early from school, only to find his Dad m**... in the living room...
As Billy is quite young, he is shocked and confused at what he is seeing. His Dad tries to explain:
"Don't be scared, Billy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm doing something completely normal. In fact, you are going to start doing it pretty soon as well."
"Why is that, Dad?", young Billy asks.
"Because, son, my hand is getting tired and I need someone to take over."
A little girl and a clown are walking through the woods...
The little girl says, "Clown, I'm scared." The clown looks down to the girl and says, "You're scared? I'm the one who has to walk back alone."
A farmer walks past a tombstone that says: Here lies a lawyer, an honest man, a man of integrity.
The peasant crosses himself and says scared: "Blessed v**..., three men buried in the same grave!"
My mother walked in my room right as I was about to start m**....
My pants were around my ankles and I was scared to death. I almost had a s**...!
I was going to watch a documentary on the malaysian airlines
but I was too scared my computer was gonna c**...
I was invited to a theater to watch a pornographic horror movie...
But I was too scared to come.
A little boy and a clown go walking into the woods.
As they get deeper and deeper into the woods, the little boy starts looking around, apprehensive.
"Boy, it sure is getting scary in here." the little boy says.
"YOU'RE scared?" the clown replies, "I still have to walk back out of here by myself!"
I was watching the film, 'A Perfect m**...,' with my wife
She told me she was getting scared.
"Is it the storyline?" I asked.
"Not really," she replied. "Stop taking notes."
Shot my first turkey today.
Scared everyone in the frozen meat department.
A clown is walking through the woods with a kid
The kid looks up at the clown, "It's getting late, and I'm getting scared."
Clown says, "YOU'RE scared? I have to walk out of here alone."
A guy meets his friend on the street
but his friend has a horribly swollen face, is missing teeth, has scratches on his arms, blood all over his shirt and he looks scared and disorientated. Of course his friend gets extremely worried and asks:
"Are you all right?! What happened dude?"
"I just buried my mother-in-law..."
"So?"
"Well she resisted".
Why should you be scared of a white man in prison?
Because you know he is actually guilty.
Credit to /u/Ser_Rodrick_Cassel for the joke!
A group of engineering proffesors got in a plane...
Before closing the doors, the flight attendants told them that the plane had been built by their own students. Scared, all of the teachers ran out of the plane, except one. The pilot came to him and asked him why he was so relaxed. The proffesor said "I know my students very well. And I'm sure that if this plane is really built by them, the thing won't even start!"
An old lady next to me on the airplane was scared by me being a muslim
I laughed so hard my grenades almost fell out of my pocket.
A mother of twins went into labour and passed out.
A mother of twins went into labour and passed out. She woke up hours later to find her (not so bright) sister carrying her twins. Nervously the new mother asked her sister whether the children has been named. To which the sister replied yes. The new mother shocked and scared then asked the sister what she named the children to which she replied she named the niece Denise. The mother feeling a little better then asked what she had name the boy to which she replied Denephew.
Kinda scared for 2017
Because 2+0+1+7 is 10 - the exact number of n**... h**... would have if he had 8 more
Kids are like tornadoes
They're neat to watch but you can't help but be scared when they head for your house
A conversation between God and and Angel
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
The Lion with Christian feelings
Once upon a time... there was a m**... walking along the savannah when he suddenly encountered himself with a very hungry lion.
Scared to death, the m**... went down on knees and prayed "Oh dear Lord, please come down and give christian feelings to this poor criature".
After one second, the miracle occurred: the lion knelt down and prayed "Oh dear lord, bless this food you have provided me".
The Japanese flag is actually just a pie chart..
..about how many of them are scared of Godzilla.
I've just been diagnosed with paranoia and constipation.
I'm scared shitless.
When I was a kid my parents would warn me if I was naughty the boogie man would get me
I was never scared though, I loved disco music
It confuses me why people feel comfortable with government surveillance as they have nothing to hide, so nothing to fear ....
….but get really scared when I ask them to take their clothes off.
I asked an old man..
One day I asked an old man, "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's your secret?"
The old man replied "I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her"
This barista at StarBucks looked so nervous as she handed me my coffee.
I think she was scared because she spelt my name wrong, she wrote "callthecops".
I didn't bother leaving a tip.
I was walking behind a woman at 3 o'clock in the morning after a night out.
She gave a slight glance towards me and She started walking faster, so I walked faster.
She started running, so I started running.
She started screaming, so I started screaming.
I was too scared to look behind and never did find out what we were running away from.
Soon after my girlfriend got pregnant, I got scared. She then got angry and shouted! Then I got high and vanished.
Then we both got bored of Scrabble and had s**....
I tried to buy some cough syrup earlier, but apparently you need photographic ID.
Anyhow, I solved the problem.
I bought a huge box of laxatives and took them all - now I'm far too scared to cough.
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied: "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
I scared my mailman by showing up at the door completely n**...
I'm not sure what scared him more; me being n**... or me knowing where he lives.
An idiot has a mirror in his closet
He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops
"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"
A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can
"Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!"
johnny in the math class
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is l**... her ice cream, one is s**... her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one s**... her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
When it comes to s**... I'm a wild animal...
More scared of you than you are of me
A little boy and a clown are walking through the woods at night...
"Golly!" the boy says, "It sure is scary out here!"
"You think you're scared!" the clown replies. "I'm the one who has to walk home all alone."
I asked an old man, "Even after 60 years of being married, how can you still call your wife 'Honey', 'Darling' and 'Sweetheart'?"
He replied, "Well I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her!"
Why should you be scared of the white man in prison?
Because he actually did something wrong.
What do you call a scared philosopher?
Aristartle
Two cows got in a fight..
One started to march towards the other, while the other got scared.
One was cowrageous.
The other was a coward.
A father and a daughter are walking in a dark forest
The daughter says: Dad, I'm scared .
The father replies: Imagine how scared I'll be walking back all by myself
The Biggest Coward
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest coward.
The first kid says," My dad is so scared that when a lightning strikes my dad slides underneath our bed."
The second kid goes," That's nothing, my dad is so scared, that when mummy works night shift, my dad sleeps with the woman next door."
I would never...
On the way to meeting her parents...
Girlfriend: 'Please don't let my dad know that we have s**.... He is scared that I might get pregnant'
At the door...
Girlfriend's Dad : So, are you coming inside?
Me: [pretty much flustered] No sir, I would never...
So, I was out walking at night
In front of me was a woman.
She looked behind her back, the started to run faster,
I got a little spooked so I started walking faster too.
she began to walk even faster.
I was really scared so I began walking even faster too.
suddenly she began to run.
I began running too.
She then began screaming, so did i.
I don't know what was behind us, but it was the scariest night of my life.
A boy calls 9-11.
"9-11 what is your emergency?"
The boy replied, "My parents are fighting and I'm scared.."
"Well who's your father?"
"Well that's what they're fighting about."
Why can't seals be famous DJs?
Because they're scared of club hits
Don't be scared of dying. People die all the time.
You don't hear them complaining about it.
If you're scared of Paedophiles....
....then grow up
I was walking home last night and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery
3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them I understand, I used to get freaked out too when I was alive.
"Honey, do I look fat ?"
Asked the wife as she stood in front of the mirror.
"No, not at all..", the husband replied, "You look fabulous !!"
Wife, blushing, "Really ! Will you carry me to the fridge ? I want to eat some ice cream.. "
Husband, now visibly scared; "Don't you worry babe, just relax here ! I will just go get the fridge.. "
I scared the postman today by showing up to the door completely n**......
I'm not sure what him scared him more, the fact I was n**... or that I knew where he lived.
What do you say to someone too scared to plant apples ?
Grow a pear.
