Saving Money Jokes

While inspecting their honeymoon suite, the bride discovers a little box attached to the bed.
"What's this for?" she asks her husband.
"If you put a quarter in," he says, reaching into his pocket, "the bed starts vibrating."
"Save your money," she says. "When you're a quarter in, I start vibrating."

Yo' Mama is so poor, she eats cereal with a fork to save milk.

A man smokes a pack a day for 30 years

His wife, sick of it: do you realize that if you had saved all this cigaret money you could have bought a ferrari by now ?
The man answers: well where's your ferrari ?

A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his business from going under.

The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. That was fast, what's your cost saving plan?"
Barry says "make it $1000".

I'm saving up my money for a s**... change operation...

...and I don't care how much my wife protests it.
I wanted a boy, d**....

A man saves up enough money to take his kids to Disneyland...

...when he goes to tell them about it, his son says "Thank you so much, daddy! When are we going?"
"Well, whenever we save up enough to come back."

Two Jews during the depression

Two Jewish guys are liking for work during the depression. They come across a atholic church that has a sign saying , "get saved; convert and receive $25".
One if the guys says, "my children are starving, I need that money" and goes in the church. His buddy waits for him and about am hour later he comes out. His buddy immediately ask, "did you get the money" to which the new follower of Christ responds, "is that all you people think about?"

There once was a man named Dave

Dave dug up a chick from the grave.
She looked kinda gritty...
Was missing a t**......
But think of the money he saved!

What do you call a brass instrument that saves its money?

A frugal horn. Sorry in advance.

A mugger approaches an Irish man

He points his gun and says, "Your money or your life!"
The Irishman replies, "Take me life. I'm saving me money for me old age."

I haven't been s**... active because I'm saving myself...

Some money.

Did you hear about the electrician who bought a Camaro using money he got from scrap wire?

He really crimped and saved

Why do gangsters save so much money on clothes?

'Cause all their pants are half-off

My wife wants me to get my coffee at home to save money. If she really wants me to save money she should give me s**... at home.

s**... Hotline

Did you hear the government moved the s**...-hotline call center to the middle east to save money?
I called to talk to someone and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I knew how to drive a truck.

I don't support the gay lifestyle in San Francisco

It's way too expensive there. They should move to somewhere a lot cheaper so they can save more money.

3 men go on a trip.....

They decided to just book just 1 room with 1 bed to save money.
After the first night, the man who slept on the right said, "I dreamed I was getting a h**... last night."
The man on the left said, " I dreamed about getting a h**... too! What a coincidence! "
The man in the middle said, "I dreamed I was skiing."

I started microfinancing my money to get better savings.

It just made a lot of cents to me.

A men goes to a priest...

-Father, I am a sinner...-
-So, what you've dove?-
-I hid a jew in my basement during the second world war.-
-But this one isn't a sin, it's a very honorable thing.-
-I made him pay 300 pounds a month-
-Well, those are a lot of money but you saved him so you can go and may God be with you.-
-Ok then but... should i tell him that the war is over?-

A poor farmer wants a vacation.

So he saves up money, then goes to a luxury hotel. The waiter gave him his key to his room, then told him where to go next. So the farmer did what he was told, but then a few minutes later, he stomped to the waiter, complaining:" THAT IS A ROOM? YOU CAN'T EVEN PUT A CHAIR THERE! I'M OUT!"
The waiter laughed, then told the farmer: "Sir, that's the elavator."

If only we had more money for mosquito nets in Africa...

think of all the mosquitoes we could save from dying needlessly of AIDS.

Just think of the money we could have saved with Hillary.

We would have saved 24% by hiring a woman.

My uncle once said "if you put your mind to it anything is possible!"

I was confused and asked him what he meant
"You see my date over there?"
"Yeah, the pretty one?"
Pretty women don't usually go for men like me, but if you put your mind to it, you can save up the money for borrowing them for a night.

After the operation I say to the doctor...

"Look, I'm gonna try to save some money and stitch myself back up."
"Are you sure?" He says, "alright, suture self."

My wife was wondering if we should wash dishes by hand, in order to save a little money.

I figure that using the dishwasher uses more electricity, but less water. So overall it's a wash.

2017 has been great so far! I've lost about 105 pounds!

I mean, I missed her at first but I've saved a ton of money

My wife doesn't know it,

but every time we have s**... I put $1 in an envelope. I save that money, and plan on getting her something special for our anniversary.
So far she's getting a McChicken

What's the best thing a man can buy for his woman to save money in the future?

A tombstone.

How did the church save money on their electric bill?

They switched to souler power from the son.

My friend told me to save my money for the orphanage every time i want to buy a cigarette...

So i saved 300$ to buy cigarettes for these poor kids.

Save Money on phone s**... lines

...by texting filth to your landline and have the BT woman read it to you at a fraction of the cost.

My manager asked me if I had prepared my report on how to cut costs at our cookie factory...

Thinking quickly, I told him that we could save money by not fully cooking all our cookies.
It was a half-baked idea, but it turned out to save us a lot of dough.

I was in a car c**..., but I managed to save a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching...

My car into reverse and rapidly removing myself from the scene.

I got into an accident, but I managed to save myself & a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching..

my car to reverse leaving the scene....

There is a terrible head-on collision on a winding Russian road

Both cars, a brand new Mercedes and an old Zhiguli, are absolutely totaled, but fortunately both drivers are relatively unscathed.
The owner of the Mercedes looks sadly at the wreckage and moans, "My brand new car! I was saving money all year to buy it, and here it is, destroyed barely a month later."
The owner of the Zhiguli nods sadly and sighs, "Yeah. I had to save money for 15 years to buy mine."

A Father and his Son are talking

Dad: Great news, son! We've saved enough money to go to Disneyland.
Son: That's great! When are we going?
Dad: As soon as we save enough money to get back.

A woman lost a court case...

and was fined for bringing her own popcorn, coke and candy to a movie theater. Overall, she still saved a considerable amount of money.

Dad an Son

Dad: Great news, son! We've saved enough money to go to Disneyland.
Son: That's great! When are we going?
Dad: As soon as we save enough to get back.

Saving money is easy. I'm working on my second million right now.

Gave up on the first million a long time ago.

You can save a lot of money on reading glasses...

... By being illiterate.

Save money instantly

by turning your sofa into a sofa bed simply by forgetting your wedding anniversary.

A Jewish kid tells his father he saved some money...

Kid: "Dad I saved $3 by running behind the bus after school today"
Dad: "Next time run behind a taxi, you'll save more"

Prices are going up

Two housewives met in the local supermarket. One had filled her shopping cart with Vaseline. She explained, They are going to raise the price so, I'm stocking up.
The other woman replied, I'd never go to such extremes to save money. I'm not that tight.

An elderly couple were on vacation in Israel

While they were there the wife suddenly dies of a heart attack.
A local mortitian explains the husband that it would cost him 100$ to bury her in Israel but it would cost him 3.000$ to have her transported to America tp have her buried at home.
The husband thinks about it for a while and then says to the mortitian that he would like to have her transported home.
The mortitian asks the why he wouldn't let her be buried in Israel when he could save a lot of money!
The husband then says "well I've heard of a guy who died and was buried here many years ago and he came back after three days. I'm not gonna risk that!"

The best part about being depressed

is that I save a lot of money on groceries.

This pandemic has exposed how unrealistic the movie The Martian is.

Not because of the space travel to Mars, but there is no way the US government would spend so much money and gather the resources to save just one life.

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching

Into reverse and then leaving the scene.

I've started to get in touch with my inner self lately

This is the last time i save money on toilet paper!

Why do astronauts like to save money?

To get more Tang for their buck

My therapist told me that it's important to spread positivity.

Which has saved me a bunch of money on condoms.

I brought my granddad to a spa where the fish eat your dead skin

My mom objected but atleast we saved money from the f**...

I'm saving a bunch of money on pizza delivery.

When the doorbell rings I answer it completely n**.... So far, nobody's stayed long enough to take my tip.

My neighbor grew tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school.

His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back."

This year, I'm going to save money on Christmas gifts

by bringing up politics during Thanksgiving dinner.

What's the difference between a musician and a savings account?

One eventually matures and starts to make money...

If you wake up at midday...

...you save the money you would have spent on breakfast.

Just contact me if you need any more finance tips.

The worst thing about this pandemic is all the restaurants apparently using lower quality ingredients to save money.

I'll keep eating out every day, but I haven't been able to taste anything for weeks.