Saved Jokes

Following is our collection of salvation humor and foreskins one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Saved puns for adults, dirty saviour jokes or clean rescue gags for kids.

There is an abundance of save jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 69 funniest jokes on saved. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any insurance witze you can hear about saved.

The Best jokes about Saved

Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

My mate asked me why I have sex noises saved on my phone.

I said, It's for sound effects during sex.


He asked, Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?


I replied, No, I work in a morgue.

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching

To reverse and leaving the scene

I hate those people that bang on your door saying you need to be saved or else you'll burn

Stupid firemen

Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One of them sees a tree in the distance that's draped in bacon. "It's a bacon tree! We're saved!" he says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.

It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.


I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen.

I'm getting a little tired of these people coming to my door telling me I need to be "saved" or "I'll burn"...

Stupid firefighters.

Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.

The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.

The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.

The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."

Please stop hating on Trump, he saved my friend's life!

Earlier last year my friend had been in a coma for years. The doctors tried everything and told us to pray for a miracle.

And then one day his nurse came and switched the TV to Trump's campaign, he woke up and turned it off.

An Iranian man comes home to his wife

He says :" Honey! Honey! I missed the bus today and chased it all the way home. I saved myself 2 dollars!"

The wife responds: " you idiot! You should've chased the taxi. You could have saved 20 dollars!"

A guy with the nickname E saved my life, so now when I see him I say-

-A E I O U


I saved 15% on car insurance by switching....

The gear to reverse and pulling away from the accident

A man goes for confession ...

The priest says Tell me son why are you here

Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death. the man replied.

The priest taken aback replies , Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession?

Well father , I charged them rent to stay in my attic. the man replied.

This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way the priest replied.

The man replied , Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ?

Two crazy people are by the pool in an asylum...

One of them falls in, the other quickly jumps in and saves him.

The doctor later meets the saviour and says "we've assessed your situation and believe you're qualified to leave the asylum based on your rational deeds. However I regret to inform you that the man you saved hung himself in the same night".

The man smiles and confidently says "oh he didn't, I hung him to dry him up!"

My grandpa's favorite joke

This works better in my native language, but I am going to do my best to try to translate it effectively.

At the end of a good day's work, an accountant goes home and announces proudly to his wife "Honey, I missed the bus today but I saved $2 by chasing after it all the way home! "

His wife fixes him with a look of pure contempt and says "You fool!! You could have saved $75 if you'd only chased after a cab."

A newlywed Asian couple are on the first night of their honeymoon and have saved it for marriage

The husband says to his wife, "What do you want to do? We can try anything you want."

The wife says, "I want 69."

The husband replies, "You want beef with broccoli?"

A priest, lawyer, and engineer are about to be executed by guillotine.

The priest puts his head in but the blade doesn't fall. He proclaims god has saved him, and is let go.

The lawyer is next, and again the blade doesn't fall. He states that he can not be charged more than once for the same crime, so he is also let go.

The engineer puts his head into the path of the blade, but the blade still doesn't fall. He looks up and says, Oh. I see your problem.

Getting tired of these people who come to my door, telling me I'm gonna burn unless I'm saved...

The flashing lights on their trucks were pretty cool to see, though.

I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light!

He's my super visor


Dating a single mother:

It's like continuing from somebody else's saved game.

I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching...

...my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.

A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident...

A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident at an intersection. They get out of their cars and find that neither is hurt, which is surprising because it was a horrible accident. The cars are a mangled mess.

The priest says to the rabbi, "Thank the lord that we are both uninjured! That was *terrifying.* I still can't stop shaking. I was so frightened!"



The rabbi says, "Friend, I feel the same way. I saw my life flash before my eyes, but those airbags saved us. Look, I had this bottle of Manischevits wine on the seat next to me and it didn't even break! Here, let's have a drink to calm our nerves. " as he hands the bottle to the priest

"Yes, and also to celebrate still being alive!" the priest says as he takes a long drink from the bottle.

He hands the bottle back to the rabbi who, instead of drinking, closes the bottle and puts it in his pocket.


"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the priest asks

"Not until after the cops get here. "

A men goes to a priest...

-Father, I am a sinner...-
-So, what you've dove?-
-I hid a jew in my basement during the second world war.-
-But this one isn't a sin, it's a very honorable thing.-
-I made him pay 300 pounds a month-
-Well, those are a lot of money but you saved him so you can go and may God be with you.-
-Ok then but... should i tell him that the war is over?-

A priest walks into a movie theater

...and finds that most of the seats are taken. He looks around for a while, and finally sees an empty seat. The priest asks the man sitting next to the open seat, "Excuse me, is this seat saved?"

The man looks the priest up and down and replies to him, "No, but it's willing to listen."

The priest, laywer, and engineer

By chance, a priest, a laywer, and an engineer find themselves in line to be guillotined. They demand that the priest steps up, and he reluctantly does so. They put his head in the guillotine and pull the rope, but to everyone's surprise, nothing happens. The priest declares that he was saved by divine intervention, and they let him go.

They then make the lawyer step up to the guillotine. They pull the rope and again, nothing happens. The lawyer reminds them that he cannot be executed twice for the same crime, and so they reluctantly let him go.

Then they make the engineer step up, and they put his head in the guillotine. The engineer says, "Oh wait, *here's* your problem.."

A man is very thirsty...

A man is very thirsty. As he is stumbling down the country road he sees a cow grazing in front of a cottage. "I'm saved!", he says to himself as he milks the cow and quenches his thirst.

The man knocks on the door to pay for the milk. "Your cow's milk saved me," he says. The home owner replies, "Cow? I don't own a cow, I just have a bull."

I just saved a ton on car insurance....

By fleeing the scene.

An Arab sheikh is dying

... and the only thing that could save him a blood transfusion. But there is a problem - the sheikh has a very rare blood type. After very intensive searches sheik's servants finally find a donor. This happens to be an old Jewish guy who agrees to donate blood in exchange for a substantial reward. The sheikh's life is saved, and he generously rewards the donor with a luxury car and a huge mansion.
Couple of years later, the same story happens. The donor rushes to donate the blood and comes to pick up his reward. Surprisingly for him, he is handed a box of cookies.
"But last time you gave me a car and a mansion"
"Well, last time I had no Jewish blood flowing in me".

Every time I have sex with my girlfriend I put a dollar in a jar.

On Valentine's Day I use what I saved to buy a gift for her.

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks. At death's door, they see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer, they see that it's draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon: smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving nearly-raw juicy bacon, all sorts of bacon.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first Mexican, "ees a bacon tree! We're saved!!"
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree. As he gets to within five feet, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.

His friend drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

With his last breath Pepe calls out: "Ugh, run, amigo, run, ees not a bacon tree... ... ees a ham bush!"

I just saved 15% or more on my Calculus test...

by switching to radians.

I saved a fortune by not vaccinating my child.

Which was fortunate, because kids funerals don't come cheap.

A farmer and a pig with four wooden legs are walking down a road

I ask the man Why does your pig have four wooden legs?

The farmer replied There was this one time my house started on fire and this very pig pulled me out and saved my life!

I asked again So why does he have wooden legs?

The farmer replied again My tractor had severe engine problems and if it wasn't for this pig I would have gone up in flames!

I asked one last time SO WHY DOES THE PIG HAVE WOODEN LEGS???

The farmer looked up calmly and said If you had a pig this great, would you eat it all in one go?

A man was trapped in a burning building...

...on the 12th floor. He ran to the open window and saw a fireman approaching on a long ladder. He felt so relieved to be saved. Before climbing out the window he yelled to the fireman,
"What should I do? Should I go down with you on the ladder, or should I jump to the ground?"
The fireman said, 'The ladder."
The man died.

Three men were sitting in a life boat...

Three men were sitting in a life boat for 4 weeks after their boat had collapsed. On the start of the 5th week, one of the men said "We might as well kill ourselves, we'll never be saved!" The other man replied "No, my friend. I still have faith that the Lord will save us." That's when the third man stood up and revealed himself to be Jesus Christ, "Your faith has saved you brother." The two men stared in shock at the revelation when one of them said "You could have said something before we ate the fourth guy."

I finally saved up enough money that I could afford to listen to my heart.

It turns out that's just a metaphor.

Anyway, I have a stethoscope for sale.

A German lifesaver carries a dog that nearly drowned from the beach...

He plopped it down on the sand and did CPR, as the dog's owner watched nervously from aside.

The dog spat out water and stood upβ€” the lifesaver saved it.

"Oh my goodness, thank you so much for saving my dog!" the owner said, "Are you a vet?"

"Vet? VET???" the German excalimed, "I'M LITERALLY SOAKING!"

A UFO landed in the Vatican and the friendly Aliens where greeted by the pope

Pope: What a great honour having the first sign of foreign life in the Univers visiting my humble home. Now, let me tell you about our saviour and king in heaven, Jesus Christ, who saved us all and currently we await his return to us.

Alien Leader: Jesus Christ you say? Long hair, beard, always in white clothes and is in his mid-thirties? Sure we know this guy.. great guy! Whenever he visits us he cure our sick, turn some water into wine (great laugh!), show us his walking-on-water-trick and then we throw a great party and serve him pancakes. He pops up every 2 years or so. Anyway, what did you guys do?

My wife has been keeping secrets from me.

I just built a fence and put down some paving. Turns out not only is she a master carpenter she's also an expert brick layer. If only I had known earlier I could have sought her advice before I did the work. It would have saved me from making all the obvious mistakes she pointed out after the work was done.

I just saved a ton of money on my Christmas shopping by expressing my political views on facebook.

3 men at a funeral..

3 men are at a mutual friend's funeral and witness a really beautiful eulogy. At the reception afterwards, the three of them are sitting together and talking about the funeral when one of them says "Wow, that was really beautiful. What would you guys like to be said about you when you die?" The first says "I devoted a lot of my life to my medical practice. I really hope they talk about what a great doctor I was and how many lives I saved". The second says "I spent a lot of time with my family and really raised my kids well. I hope they talk about how great of a father and husband I was." The third says "I hope they say 'LOOK he's moving!' "

The mohel

After many years, a mohel had saved the foreskins from thousands of circumcisions and didn't know what to do with them so he brought them to his tailor. A couple weeks later, the tailor hands the mohel a wallet and the mohel, disappointed, says, "I give you thousands of foreskin and all you can make me is this wallet?!"
To which the tailor responds, " Yes, but rub it and it becomes a suitcase!"

A man walks into a bar and orders two beers...

He then explained to the bartender "one of these beers is for me, and the other for my buddy that saved my live during the war who lives across the ocean." The bartender, honored by the veteran, gladly provides the beers and the man drinks them both.

Every Tuesday for fifty years this man would come to the same bar and order the two drinks. However, one night the man comes in, looking sad. He tells the bartender "Only one beer tonight please."

The bartender and the regular customers are shocked and saddened. The bartender brings him his drink and says "I'm sorry about your friend".

The man replies "Oh, my buddy is fine, I just converted to Mormanism."

Obama went on a run

and fell in a river.

-

three young boys pulled him out of the river. Obama said my god, you saved the president of your country. name any one thing you want and you'll have it.

-

The first boy said he wanted a house for his mother, they'd never had a house. Obama bought it.

-

The second boy wanted to go to Disney world. Obama made it so.

-

The third boy asked for a wheelchair. Perplexed, Obama said "Why do you need a wheel chair, you seem to walk fine".

-

The young boy replied "well now, sure. but wait until my dad finds out i saved your life."

a visitor to georgia saw a vicious dog attack a toddler

He took out his pocket knife, ran over, and stabbed the dog to death.

The mother of the toddler said

"now look here, you have saved my boy.
I happen to be a newspaper reporter, and in this week's newspaper I will personally make the headline:"

BRAVE LOCAL MAN SAVES CHILD BY KILLING BEAST

"that's great," said the man: "but I'm not from this town".

the reporter said "In that case, the headline will be:"

GEORGIA MAN SAVES CHILD BY KILLING DOG

"but I'm not actually from Georgia," the man said. "I'm from Vermont."

"oh". the reporter scowled

"the headline's gonna be:"

YANKEE BUTCHERS FAMILY PET

I adopted a rescue dog early this morning...

But she hasn't saved anyone all day and she's peed in the house twice. This is bullshit.

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching

Into reverse and then leaving the scene.

Mario sits Princess Peach down to have a serious talk.

Peach, we've been together a long time, I've saved you countless times, but I just can't go on any longer.

But I want you to know, it's not you, itsa me, Mario.

A woman lost a court case...

and was fined for bringing her own popcorn, coke and candy to a movie theater. Overall, she still saved a considerable amount of money.

I saved my cannibal neighbor's daughter from drowning today. Her father was so grateful he gave me a hand shake.

It had some chunks, but it was delicious.

A mortician was working late one night...

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

I'm sorry Mr. Sam, said the mortician, but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

I have something to show you that you won't believe, he said, and opened his briefcase.

Oh, my God! she screamed, Sam is dead!

A boy just saved Donald Trump's life.

And Trump says he can have anything he wants.

The boy asks for a wheelchair ramp for his family's van, and unlimited access to handicapped parking.

Trump asks the boy if this is for his mom or his dad.

The boy says that it's for him.

"But kid, you're not in a wheelchair." says Trump.

"I will be when my dad finds out what I've done."

Just saved 50 bucks!

I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch. I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center. The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I'm saving $49.95 a month!

Two hunters were walking around in the woods around twilight

One of them grabs the other and pulls him back from a 6-foot diameter, perfectly smooth hole.

"You saved my life" says the hunter. "I wonder how far down that hole goes..."

So they find an old anvil and throw it in the hole. As they're listening for the anvil to hit, a goat comes running up behind them, about 20 miles per hour, and dives into the hole.

A farmer comes along and asks the hunters if they've seen a goat. One responds "We're so sorry, we saw your goat run up behind us and he dove into this hole."

The farmer responds "That's impossible, I had him chained to an anvil."

I've just downloaded a copy of the Bible from the internet…

When I'd finished, it said, "Saved."

My dad is so cheap.

He scolded me for running home behind the bus once, and saving the *fare. He said I should have run behind a taxi, and saved a lot more.

Dad an Son

Dad: Great news, son! We've saved enough money to go to Disneyland.
Son: That's great! When are we going?
Dad: As soon as we save enough to get back.

Two cowboys are lost in a desert. One cowboy sees a tree full of bacon and shouts, It's a bacon tree, we're saved! He runs toward the tree and gets shot.

It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a hambush.

Last week a young boy saved a priests life in the United States...

... he discovered the priest had early stage testicular cancer...

I'm a Latino nurse and while I was doing my rounds, one of the surgeons burst out of the operating room and told me to help finish the operation. I cut the patient's organ on the wrong spot but luckily I miscalculated and saved their life. No one thought I could do it and I shocked them all.

Nobody expected the Spanish missed incision.

Blind, Deaf, Dumb...

The Pope was dying and his followers were given to believe that his life would be saved if he slept with a woman.

That's impossible,' said the Pope. 'I am the Holy Father and cannot contravene God's law.'

They spent a long time trying to persuade him. 'It is in order to save your life, so that you can serve God further,' they argued. And at last the Pope agreed.

'All right,' he said, 'but the following conditions must be fulfilled. In the first place, the woman must be blind, so that she cannot see me.'

'We shall find a blind one,' they answered.

'In the second place, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear my voice.'

'We shall find one who is deaf too,' they promised.

"Thirdly, she must be dumb, so that she cannot tell anyone what has taken place.

And fourthly, she must have big tits...'

Jesus saved my life...

And before I could thank him he got in the car with Miguel and drove away.

One day bush went jogging...

One day Bush was out jogging and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river.
Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.

After cleaning up he said, Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you.



The first boy said, Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!

I'll personally hand it to you, said Bush. I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos, the second boy said.
I'll buy them myself and give them to you, said Bush. And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it, said the third boy.



I'll personally … wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!

No, but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved from drowning.

Intrepid Engineer

A Christian, a Muslim, and an engineer are sentenced to die at the guillotine.

The Christian goes first but when the executioner pulls the lever to release the blade, the blade suddenly stops halfway down the track with a loud "boing."
"Praise the Lord," the Christian exults, "who in his divine grace has saved me!" The executioner, impressed, tells him he is free to leave.

Next up, the Muslim puts his head in the machine and the executioner pulls the lever. Again, the blade stops abruptly halfway down. "There is no god but Allah," the Muslim cries, "who in his infinite mercy has saved me!" The executioner sets him free, too.

Meanwhile, the engineer has been peering attentively up at the guillotine. "I think I see your problem," he says.

FOX new has saved my legs!

I got into a terridle car crash and and lost the use of my legs. When I was in the hospital, FOX news came on the TV. I got up to change the channel.

A bottle of Scotch

An old Scotsman is lying on his deathbed, and he gasped out one last request. He says to his friend who's at his bedside:"Remember that fine old bottle of Scotch me father bought on the day I was born, that I've saved all these many years?". His friend shakes his head "yes". The old man says:"Would ya do me a great favor, and pour it over me grave when I'm gone?". His friend replies:"Surely lad, but do ya mind if I strain it through me kidneys first?".

Do you smoke cigarettes?

Paul: Do you smoke cigarettes?
Patrick: Oh yes.
Paul: How many sticks a day?
Patrick: 7 packs.
Paul: When did you start smoking?
Patrick: 18 years ago.
Paul: How much does a pack cost?
Patrick: 10 dollars
Paul: So you spent 70 dollars a day on cigarettes?
Patrick: Yes.
Paul: If you had saved the 70 dollars a day for 18 years, that would be $460,000 and you could be driving your own Ferrari right now.
Patrick: Can I ask you a question?
Paul: Go ahead.
Patrick: Do you smoke cigarettes?
Paul: No.
Patrick: So where is your Ferrari?

A man smokes a pack a day for 30 years

His wife, sick of it: do you realize that if you had saved all this cigaret money you could have bought a ferrari by now ?

The man answers: well where's your ferrari ?

My wife is leaving me because my stories never make any sense...

And that's how I saved Christmas...

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes