saturday Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious saturday puns

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

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I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

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Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar

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Our President Elect is a real tough guy...

The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.

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**INFINITY WAR SPOILERS**

Ok now that all the nerds are gone, there's a party going on at my place this Saturday. hmu if you're interested.

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Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

Saturday, Sunday

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I was in a pub...

I was in a pub last Saturday night, drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"

That's pretty much the last thing I remember...

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Got a pen?

I was in a pub in far Western Queensland last Saturday night, when this really brutally ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, "Give me your number, sexy."

I replied "Have you got a pen?"

She smiled and said "Yes."

I replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing."

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Do you work on weekends?

My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."

I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."

He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"

I said, "Monday."

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I have sex almost every day

Almost on Sunday
Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
Almost on Thursday
Almost on Friday
And almost on Saturday

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What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

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Advice from my father

Son, you need a woman who can cook, a woman who can clean, a woman that is great in bed. Most importantly, you must make sure these three women never meet.


Happy Saturday night from Pennsylvania

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A college professor is driving home drunk one Saturday night....

When he gets pulled over. The cop comes up to his window and asks him:

"Excuse me sir, you were speeding, you ran a red light and you appear to be drunk, where are you going?"

The professor replies: "I am currently on my way to a lecture concerning the dangers of drinking, smoking and staying up late."

The police officer says: "Who could possibly be giving that kind of lecture at this time?"

The professor responds: "My wife."

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Wife calls her scientist husband...

"Honey.. Its Saturday.. you're late..."

"I'm busy with my team in an experiment"

"Whats that?"

"We've just added a derivative of C2H5OH with ambiant temperature H2O and aqueous CO2. To cool this mixture added some super low temperature, solidified H2O, now while waiting for some protein, we are fumigating the lab with vapours of nicotine...
It's 4 or 5 round experiment.. So I will be late."

"Oh dear.. I won't disturb you. Take your time.."

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Anyone ever notice the word Saturday has the word "turd" in it?

Sorry, that's a shit joke.

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North Korea is calling for war.

In other news, it's Saturday.

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A husband was in big trouble...

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

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She said: "Come to my place on Saturday. There will be nobody home."

So I went to her place and rang the doorbell. There was nobody home.

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Did you know Saturday and Sunday are the strongest days?

The rest are just weekdays...

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Which are the stronger days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays:D

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A teenager comes home late one Saturday night

And his dad greeted him asking "Did you have a fun night son?"

"I sure did dad, I lost my virginity."

The dad said "That's awesome son. Here, let's have a couple of beers, you're a man now."

The boy says, " Thanks dad. I could really use one. My ass is killing me."

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Crotch Massage

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the two some teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

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My boss recently fired me...

So, my boss recently fired me and he sent me an email that read "I did not want to fire you, but I had to. You were slacking on every project I assigned to you and you get too easily distracted. Please stop by and pick up your things, OK? I expect to see that your office is empty by Saturday."
I then realized how much OK resembled a stick-man.

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Selling Condoms

An 18-yr-old starts work as a pharmacist's assistant. The pharmacist is showing the new kid around the aisles when they stop at the condom display and the kid asks why they come in different quantities per package.

The pharmacist tells the noob that the 3-packs are for high school guy, who gets it on once on Friday night, once on Saturday and once on Sunday.
The 6-packs are for the more-experienced college guys, who do it twice each on Friday night, Saturday and Sunday.

So the kid says, "what about these 12-packs?"

The pharmacist replies "the 12-packs are for the guys who've been married for a long time - January, February, March..."

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At a wedding ceremony last Saturday

At a wedding ceremony last saturday, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the two.
All hell broke loose when a woman carrying a child started walking towards the front. Everybody was surprised and the bride fainted.
The pastor asked the woman if she had anything to say.
The woman replied "we can't hear at the back".

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A man asked his doctor for a triple Rx of Viagra

A man went to the doctor 's office to ask for a triple dosage of Viagra.
Doctor: I can't give you a triple dose.
Man: Why not?
Doctor: Because it's not safe.
Man: But I need it really bad.
Doctor: Well, why do you need it so badly?
Man: My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.
The doctor finally relented.
Doctor: All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.
On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor's office....his right arm in a sling.
Doctor: Good God! What happened to you?
Man: No one showed up.

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Dating in 1962

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1962 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"

"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop,
maybe take a walk on the beach..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.

"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse
and full circle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house
and slammed the front door behind her.

"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The damned dance is called the Twist!

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David calls up his brother Mike to schedule their annual family trip.

He tells him they're leaving Saturday to go to Detroit. Mike asks, "wait a minute, why Detroit?"

David answers, "Well, you know that thing old ladies do, where they set up a map on a dart board, and wherever it lands is where they go?"

Mike couldn't resist a chuckle, and says back to him "Yeah, i know that one."

"Well, I missed and hit the trash can."

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A man lives on the 15th floor of an apartment.

One rainy Saturday afternoon he walks out onto his balcony and sticks his hand out over the edge to see if it's raining or not, and a glass eye falls into his hand. He looks up, and there is a gorgeous woman standing on the balcony above him, who apologises and says she was just leaning out to check the rain and her glass eye fell out. She asks him to bring it up the stairs to her, which he does immediately. To say thanks, she kisses him on the mouth. Mildly surprised, he asks, "Do you do that to every guy you meet?"

And she replies, "Only the ones that catch my eye."

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Father and son in supermarket. "Dad, what are these?"

"That's a 3pack of condoms son for secondary school lads. 1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."

"What about the 6pack dad?"

"Those are for University lads. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Satuday night and 2 for Sunday night."

"Well dad, what about the 12pack then?"

"Married men son. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March ..."

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Having a threesome with a mom and daughter

So it was Saturday night and I had no date and decided to drop in at the bar to get drunk and hopefully a girl to get laid with. As I started downing a few shots I noticed this hot looking mature lady ( must be in her 50s) sitting all alone at a corner table getting drunk and this thought came to mind that if she looks so hot for her age then she must be having a hot looking daughter as well and wish I could have a threesome with them. So I went to her table and asked her if I could join and to my delight she said yes. I chatted her up and next thing I know we caught a taxi and proceeded to her home. In the taxi I told her about my fantasy of having a threesome with a mother daughter combo and to my delight she felt it was a great idea and so we reached her home and as we entered she let out a shout,"Mom you still awake?"

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Condoms

A boy and his father are shopping when they pass the condom aisle. The boy sees three pack sizes of condoms, a pack of three, one of six, and one of twelve. He grabs the three pack.

The father says, Those are for high schoolers. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.

The boy asks, Who are the six packs for?

The father responds, those are for college students. TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.

The boy responds, Ooo! What are the twelve packs for then?

The father sighs and says, Those... are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...

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Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers...

Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time - pancakes, ice cream, candy… -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. "Not really, Pa Pa , it was really boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, lesbian, piece of crap, horse's ass, liberal pinko democrat Obama lover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

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A couple of women are playing golf on one sunny Saturday morning...

The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball veered off into a foursome of men. Indeed the ball hit one of the men who then immediately clasped his hand near his crotch and went into a fetal position. The women rushed to his side and started to apologize. She said "Please allow me to help, I'm a physical therapist, I can relieve your pain." he denies the help and continues to roll around in his fetal position. After minutes of begging the women is finally allowed to help the man. First she unzipps his pants and starts to massage him. Once she is done she asks, "how do you feel now?" the man replies "that felt great but my THUMB still hurts a lot!"

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Why are Saturday and Sunday strong?

Because all the other days are week days.

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What are the most funny Saturday jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Saturday? Well, here are the best Saturday dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Saturday pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes