Amusing Saturday Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends
Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.
One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.
Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg
The Gregorian calendar
Mowing the grass.
One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on my porch, drinking a beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."
I calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."
Dating in 1962
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1962 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"
"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.
"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.
"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop,
maybe take a walk on the beach..."
"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.
"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.
"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"
"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.
"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse
and full circle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.
"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house
and slammed the front door behind her.
"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The d**... dance is called the Twist!
I was in a pub...
I was in a pub last Saturday night, drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"
One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"
That's pretty much the last thing I remember...
One sunny Saturday morning...
Joe and his buddy Ryan decide to go golfing. Joe was setting up his tee when a f**... procession drove by on the nearby road. Joe immediately took off his hat, and stood perfectly still until the procession had passed. Ryan said "Joe, that's one of the most respectful things I've ever seen." Joe responds, "Well, we were married for 35 years after all."
Advice from my father
Son, you need a woman who can cook, a woman who can clean, a woman that is great in bed. Most importantly, you must make sure these three women never meet.
Happy Saturday night from Pennsylvania
Why couldn't the grape help his friend move on Saturday?
because he was in a jam
A guy goes golfing with a pal on Saturday morning.
When they're on the eighth hole, they see a f**... procession pass the golf course, at which point the guy stops, lowers his head for a few seconds, and then heads to the tee.
Whereupon his friend says, "That's so respectful. Here we are playing golf and you take a moment to pay your respects."
To which the guy responds, "Well, we had a great marriage."
It's a Saturday evening...
It's a Saturday evening. A man goes up to the register in a supermarket, bearing a six pack of beer, a bag of chips, some dip, a pint of ice cream, and toilet paper. The cashier says, "Single, huh?"
The man laughs and says, "Yeah, how can you tell?"
The cashier says, "Because you're ugly."
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.
Ahh, those were the days...
You can explore saturday party reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean saturday family dad jokes. There are also saturday puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A man lives on the 15th floor of an apartment.
One rainy Saturday afternoon he walks out onto his balcony and sticks his hand out over the edge to see if it's raining or not, and a glass eye falls into his hand. He looks up, and there is a gorgeous woman standing on the balcony above him, who apologises and says she was just leaning out to check the rain and her glass eye fell out. She asks him to bring it up the stairs to her, which he does immediately. To say thanks, she kisses him on the mouth. Mildly surprised, he asks, "Do you do that to every guy you meet?"
And she replies, "Only the ones that catch my eye."
A husband was in big trouble...
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
f**... arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.
Father and son in supermarket. "Dad, what are these?"
"That's a 3pack of condoms son for secondary school lads. 1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."
"What about the 6pack dad?"
"Those are for University lads. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Satuday night and 2 for Sunday night."
"Well dad, what about the 12pack then?"
"Married men son. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March ..."
My boss recently fired me...
So, my boss recently fired me and he sent me an email that read "I did not want to fire you, but I had to. You were slacking on every project I assigned to you and you get too easily distracted. Please stop by and pick up your things, OK? I expect to see that your office is empty by Saturday."
I then realized how much OK resembled a stick-man.
COUNTING CONDOMS
A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the c**... display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one c**...?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."
Having a t**... with a mom and daughter
So it was Saturday night and I had no date and decided to drop in at the bar to get drunk and hopefully a girl to get laid with. As I started downing a few shots I noticed this hot looking mature lady ( must be in her 50s) sitting all alone at a corner table getting drunk and this thought came to mind that if she looks so hot for her age then she must be having a hot looking daughter as well and wish I could have a t**... with them. So I went to her table and asked her if I could join and to my delight she said yes. I chatted her up and next thing I know we caught a taxi and proceeded to her home. In the taxi I told her about my fantasy of having a t**... with a mother daughter combo and to my delight she felt it was a great idea and so we reached her home and as we entered she let out a shout,"Mom you still awake?"
Why are Saturday and Sunday strong?
Because all the other days are week days.
North Korea is calling for war.
In other news, it's Saturday.
Where do cows go on Saturday nights?
The s**... house
And that's why I never argue with my wife.
Wife : Don't forget to pick up kids from school.
Me : It's Saturday, they're both upstairs.
Wife : It's Wednesday and we've three kids.
My 11-year-old grandson spent a beautiful
My 11-year-old grandson spent âĻa beautiful Saturday playing video games. His older sister tried coaxing him outside by warning, Someday, you're going to be 30 years old, single, and living in Mom's basement playing video games all day!
His reply: I can only dream.
A mother took her son to the zoo on a beautiful Saturday morning.
Her son points and says, "Look mom, a fricken' elephant!"
Not certain about what she heard and a little upset she ask, "What did you say!?"
"A fricken' elephant!"
Really upset now, she asks "Who taught you how to talk like that!?"
He pointed and said "It says it right there on that sign!"
A.F.R.I.C.A.N Elephant
My Saturday was going pretty well...
Until I realised it was Sunday
Few Saturdays I switch off the light and stay the whole night in darkness
So that the neighbors might think that I've an active social life...
I lost my dishwasher, washingmashine, dryer, iron, stove, and vacumcleaner today.
Her f**... will be this saturday.
Selling Condoms
An 18-yr-old starts work as a pharmacist's assistant. The pharmacist is showing the new kid around the aisles when they stop at the c**... display and the kid asks why they come in different quantities per package.
The pharmacist tells the noob that the 3-packs are for high school guy, who gets it on once on Friday night, once on Saturday and once on Sunday.
The 6-packs are for the more-experienced college guys, who do it twice each on Friday night, Saturday and Sunday.
So the kid says, "what about these 12-packs?"
The pharmacist replies "the 12-packs are for the guys who've been married for a long time - January, February, March..."
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
Edward Snowden was discovered trapped inside of one of his ski lodges this Saturday, November 19th.
"Edward Snowden Snowed in Snowden Snow Den."
Our President Elect is a real tough guy...
The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.
Trump may not fulfill all of his campaign promises...
...but he sure is making Saturday Night Live great again.
Wife calls her scientist husband...
"Honey.. Its Saturday.. you're late..."
"I'm busy with my team in an experiment"
"Whats that?"
"We've just added a derivative of C2H5OH with ambiant temperature H2O and aqueous CO2. To cool this mixture added some super low temperature, solidified H2O, now while waiting for some protein, we are fumigating the lab with vapours of nicotine...
It's 4 or 5 round experiment.. So I will be late."
"Oh dear.. I won't disturb you. Take your time.."
David calls up his brother Mike to schedule their annual family trip.
He tells him they're leaving Saturday to go to Detroit. Mike asks, "wait a minute, why Detroit?"
David answers, "Well, you know that thing old ladies do, where they set up a map on a dart board, and wherever it lands is where they go?"
Mike couldn't resist a chuckle, and says back to him "Yeah, i know that one."
"Well, I missed and hit the trash can."
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
I know, I know... even I'm ashamed of myself for posting this!
Man, Saturday Night Live has really been going after Donald Trump lately
I guess it makes sense though, since Donald is such a sketchy guy
Do you work on weekends?
My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."
I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."
He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"
I said, "Monday."
I hate it when my neighbor mows the lawn at 7 in the morning
This one Saturday morning I get woken up by my neighbor's mower going at 7 in the morning. I have quite a bad hangover and I just decide screw him he can cut around me. .
A college professor is driving home drunk one Saturday night....
When he gets pulled over. The cop comes up to his window and asks him:
"Excuse me sir, you were speeding, you ran a red light and you appear to be drunk, where are you going?"
The professor replies: "I am currently on my way to a lecture concerning the dangers of drinking, smoking and staying up late."
The police officer says: "Who could possibly be giving that kind of lecture at this time?"
The professor responds: "My wife."
I have s**... almost every day
Almost on Sunday
Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
Almost on Thursday
Almost on Friday
And almost on Saturday
Did you know Saturday and Sunday are the strongest days?
The rest are just weekdays...
A father and his three daughters...
are sitting at home on a Saturday evening.
There is a knock at the door. The father answers to a young man.
Hi, my name is Lance, I'm here for Nance. We're going to the dance.
Nance left with Lance.
15 minutes later, another young man knocks at the door.
Hi, my name Joe and I'm here for Flo. We're going to watch the show.
Flo left with Joe
A third young man arrives.
Hi, my name is Chuck- the father shot Chuck
What c**... thing is guaranteed to occur in the middle of a Saturday?
A 'turd'
Kid asks is paw why do these condoms come in 3 packs?
Father: Those are for highschool boys son. One for Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
Son: Then what is this 6 pack for?
Father: Those are for college men! 2 for Friday 2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday!
Son: WOW!! And the 12 pack of condoms?
Father: Sigh.... Those are for married men. One for January.... One for February..... One for...
She said: "Come to my place on Saturday. There will be nobody home."
So I went to her place and rang the doorbell. There was nobody home.
How much do you get paid?
The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores he'd been putting off for weeks. He'd cleaned out the garage, pruned the hedges, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulls up and yells out her window, Say, what do you get for yard work?
The homeowner thought for a moment, then answered, The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her.
My girlfriend is off out to buy a d**... outfit on Saturday.
Although she prefers to call it a wedding dress.
**INFINITY WAR SPOILERS**
Ok now that all the nerds are gone, there's a party going on at my place this Saturday. hmu if you're interested.
I think as marriages go, we're doing absolutely awesome, I mean I get to sleep with my wife nearly every day!
Nearly on Monday,
nearly on Tuesday,
nearly on Wednesday,
nearly on Thursday,
nearly on Friday,
nearly on Saturday and
nearly on Sunday
Why are Saturday and Sunday the strongest days of the week?
Because Monday through Friday are weekdays.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance
Saturday, Sunday
So the Deji vs Jake Paul boxing match is this Saturday
And if in the unlikely event of one of them dies,
Logan Paul will be there to record it
What days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday, because Mon-Fri are weak days
A couple are discussing starting a garden
"You know, I really love the roses and chrysanthemums," remarked the wife. "Maybe I'll start by planting those."
"Oh sure, why not," replied the husband. "Hey, let's start doing that now! It's a beautiful Saturday morning and we don't have anything else to do."
"Alright, let me just run to the store really quick then," said the wife. "You see, I haven't actually botany yet."
On Monday, h**... told 1 lie.
On Tuesday, he again told 1 lie.
On Wednesday, he told 2 lies.
On Thursday, 3.
On Friday, 5.
On Saturday, 8.
And on Sunday, h**... told 13 lies.
That is the fibber-n**... sequence.
My body only fights off illness on Saturday and Sunday
I have a weekend immune system
One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on my front door step, drinking a beer and watching my girlfriend mow the lawn.
The lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!" I smiled and calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass".
Today is devils day
June 6 Saturday
Misinterpretation
I was in a pub last Saturday night, drank quite a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland ?"
One of them snapped back saying, "It's WALES , you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland ?"
That's pretty much the last thing I remember...
A Muslim boy once asked his father: "why is it that Jews can't work on Saturday, Christians can't work on Sunday, but Muslims work on their holy day Friday?"
The dad looked down at his son and said, "God didn't need to force us to take a break because in His infinite wisdom He knew we'd never work that much to begin with."
Do you know why Saturday and Sunday are considered strong days?
Because the rest are weak days
John Travolta tested negative for Coronavirus last night.
Turns out is was just a Saturday Night Fever.
If you think Thursday are depressing, wait two days
Then it would be a sadder day (Saturday)
Best way to vaccinate the masses
Train all of the Amazon drivers to give it.
Everyone will have it by Saturday.
Thursday if you have Prime.
After 30 years of marriage, I'm tells my envious friends that I still get s**... almost every day..
Friends: no way!
Me: yup! Almost on a Monday.. almost on a Tuesday.. almost on a Wednesday.. almost on a Thursday, almost on a Friday, almost on a Saturday and almost on a Sunday!
A wake for my mother-in-law
Two rural gentlemen were chatting. One says, "Say, I noticed a lot of cars at your house on Saturday night. Were you having a party or something?"
"No," responds the second man. "Tragically last week one of my mules kicked my mother in law in the head, and she died suddenly"
"Oh, No!" says the first man. "So were the people there to pay their final respects?"
"No," says the second man. "Once news started to spread about the incident, men from all over the county started coming over asking if they could borrow my mule."
Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.
We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend's yacht.
Then we'll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me.
Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go.
My boss just asked,
"Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."
I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."
He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"
I said, "Monday."
Circus
They just opened a circus in my hometown. I went last Saturday. All I could say is that it was in tents.
John Travolta tested negative for covid-19 last night...
Turns out it was just Saturday Night Fever...
A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday night
He awoke very ill and summoned a bellboy to fetch him a bottle of whiskey and a Sunday newspaper. The bellhop was gone a long time.
When he returned, the drunk remarked, "It must be hard to buy a bottle in this town on Sunday."
"There was no trouble with the whiskey," replied the bellboy, "but it's tough finding a Sunday paper on Tuesday."
Why are Saturdays and Sundays the strongest days?
Because all others are weak days.
Two blondes Cindy and Stacy run into each other on monday...
Cindy : Hi Stacy! Did you have a good weekend? I went out to the club on saturday!
Stacy: o**...! I was there too! I danced with two Brazilian guys who were at the club!
Cindy: Oh wow! How many is a Brazillion?
What is The Weeknd's real name?
Saturday Sunday
Superstition
I was trimming my nails when my Grandfather said with a sigh "You should not cut your nails on Thursdays".
I had never adhered to these superstition but out of curiosity I asked, "What happens when I cut my nails on Thursday?"
He explained, "You see the weekend starts tomorrow Friday, Saturday and Sunday. It's difficult to open the beer cans and the Lays packs without the nails."
Moral: Some superstitions do have a scientific basis!
Muhammed, Confucius, and Buddha walk into a bar
The bartender spots them and says "aw, Christ!"
Muhammed says, "nah, it's Saturday, Jesus don't drink on the Sabbath."
Last night John Travolta was hospitalised for a suspected case of Covid-19
But his doctors have now confirmed it was only Saturday night fever and they assure everyone that he's staying alive.
Apparently he had chills that were multiplying.
Why do I always feel great on Saturday and Sunday, and sick on all the other days?
Maybe I just have a weekend immune system.
As a teacher, one of the things I used to dread most was seeing one of my students out in public. So imagine my surprise when I saw 18 year old Kristen out one Saturday night in a 21 and over establishment. She saw me at the same time, came over and loudly asked, "What the heck are YOU doing here?!"
I said, "Well, I'm a functioning alcoholic, it's Saturday night, and I am 32 years old. So I really think the better question here is... how much are the lap dances?"
John Travolta was admitted to a hospital with COVID symptoms last Sunday.
It was just a Saturday Night Fever.
Autopsy club meeting Saturday!
Its open Mike night.
Valentines Day is on Monday
Funerals usually take place on Saturday and Sunday. After the burial the flowers will still be fresh. What you do with this information is up to you.
Which days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week days.
My daughter just told me this joke and I'm busting with pride.
The World's Oldest Golf Joke
Joe and his buddy go golfing every Saturday.
One day, while they are on the third hole, a f**... caravan passes by on the adjacent street. Joe stops playing, takes off his hat and stands quietly as the procession passes.
His buddy says, "Wow, man, I didn't know you cared about funerals that much."
To which Joe replied, "Well, I was married to her for almost forty years."
The World's Second Oldest Golf Joke
Pete and his buddy go golfing every Saturday. Pete leaves the house about 10 and gets home about four in the afternoon.
One Saturday, he leaves at 10 but doesn't get home until 9 that night.
His wife asks, "Why so late?"
Pete says, "Bud had a heart attack on the second green."
His wife replies, "So, you been at the hospital with him all this time."
Pete answers, "No. No. After the heart attack all I could do was hit the ball and drag Bud, hit the ball and drag Bud"
What are the strongest days?
Saturday and Sunday; the rest are weekdays.
Why did Saturday and Sunday win the body-building competition?
Because Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday are week days.
Kid failing English
A kid is failing English, and the teacher sends multiple notes home requesting to speak with his parents but doesn't get a response. One Saturday, the teacher decides to stop by the kid's house. When she knocks on the door, the kid answers.
Teacher: "Hi, Johnny, can I speak to your mother?"
Kid: "She ain't home."
Teacher (frustrated): "Well can I speak to your father?"
Kid: "He ain't home."
Teacher (more frustrated): "Young man, where's your grammar?"
Kid: "She's in the kitchen bakin' cookies"
Chuck Norris skipped school two days in a row...
Those days are now Saturday and Sunday.
Saturday Night Live is getting a name change!
Saturday Night Live is getting a name change. It's now called "Sunday Morning DVR."
