The Best 57 Satan Jokes

Dear Satan, for Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.

I wanted to volunteer and do something good this holiday season...

So I helped these dyslexic kids write letters to Satan.

A man would come home very late and very drunk every night.

His wife decides to teach him a lesson by dressing up like Satan and scaring him.

When he finally stumbles across the lawn, his wife jumps out and howls like a demon.

He looks at her and slurs, "You don't scare me. I'm married to your sister!"

So, Jesus and Satan are sitting on a park bench one day

...just chilling, and Satan asks, "Hey JC, what's it called when little chunks of ice fall from the sky? It's not like I get to see it very often."

Jesus says, "Hail, Satan."

And Satan's all like, "YEEEEEAH, BOI!"

And Jesus is all like, "Oh, you."

An inverse exorcism...

When you have to summon Satan to get the priest out of the boy.

Two boys were walking home from church after hearing a strong preaching on the devil...

One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad"

Did you fall from heaven?

Because so did Satan.

-Stolen from youtube

The devil asked his resident weatherman what the forecast was for the week ahead...

"Hail, Satan"

God is Love...

... But Satan does that thing you like with his tongue.

How much does a Satanist weigh?

A pentagram.

How does Satan measure his mass?

In pentagrams.

What did Satan name his new bar?

The BeelzebPub

Satan walks into a church....

Satan walks into a church and sits down next to a guy. Satan asks the guy his name, the guy says Fred. Satan than asks why are you not afraid of me? Fred says, I've been married to your sister for 40 years.

Why does it take so long when Satan is in front of you in line at the post office?

Because the devil takes many forms.

Hillary's mad at Satan

Hillary: Satan! We had a deal! Where's the election victory that you promised me?

Satan: Where's the soul that you said you had?

Christmas must be a hard time for dyslexic children.

They get their presents from Satan.

Why is the dyslexic afraid of Christmas?

Because that's when Satan comes.

Geometry is the work of satan.

It makes people sin.

What system does Satan use to weigh packages?

Penta-grams

Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you'll hear Satan.

Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.

I hate playing football with Satan -

no matter what skills I use, he always has possession.

Satan's first day on the job

Human: "So i get anything I want?"

Satan: "Absolutely."

Human: "You say all you want is my shoe?"

Satan: "Just the bottom part, but yes."

Jesus wants you to give him your soul

Whereas satan is willing to buy it off you.

A man asked Satan...

"How can I become the best guitarist in the world?"

Satan answered, "Give me your soul."

The man was bewildered. "What if I gave you a dollar instead?"

Satan smiled. "Then I'll make you the best bass player in the world."

God and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.

Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys."Very well," said God . "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches.""I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."

A man is yelling "People, listen to me! I am the son of Satan!" out of the window of a mental asylum.

Another one sticks his head out and yells:

"Don't listen to him, he's a maniac! I don't have a son!"

If I had to wrestle Satan and was allowed to pick a partner, I'd pick Bob Ross

He always knew how to beat the devil.

My wife has weekly lessons with Satan on how to be more evil...

I can vouch that what ever she charges him is well worth it!

Why did the Satanic cults' feet hurt?

They sold their soles to the devil.

A Bodybuilder Enters Hell

After a full day of hard labor, he asks Satan , "Hey man, is there somewhere I can get a protein shake around here?".

Satan replies, " There's no whey in hell!!! ".

God and Satan arranged a basketball game between Heaven and Hell.

"I know for a fact we are gonna win," said God. "We have all the best players up here...Wilt Chamberlain, Moses Malone, Kobe Bryant, and so on."

"I wouldn't count on that, God," said Satan. "You see, down here, *we* have all the referees."

A man was sent to hell after his death..

As he was being led into the pits for an eternity of torment, he saw a lawyer passionately kissing a beautiful woman.

What a joke! he said. I have to roast in flames for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with that beautiful woman. Satan jabbed the man with his pitchfork and snarled, Who are you to question that woman's punishment?

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will give me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls and the souls of all your friends!"

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Government for 2 hours and only pays 300 dollars.

Upon hearing this, Putin went ballistic and demanded that Satan tell him why Donald had to pay so less but get to talk more. Satan answered simply, "Ever since Donald Trump became U.S President, he has turned America into a hell-hole, so it's a local call."

Hitler is sitting in hell with Stalin and Satan chatting...

Satan asks them if either of them have any regrets.

Hitler: You know, I do.

Stalin + Satan: Really?!?!

Hitler: Yea, you know if I could do it all over again, I'd kill 6 million jews and a dog.

Satan: What?

Stalin: Why a dog?

Hitler: See! I told you no one gives a shit about the jews!

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.

Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys."Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches.""I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires

Did you hear about the dyslexic guy that sold his soul to Satan?

He is now forced to make presents in the North Pole for all eternity.

Guy dies and goes to hell.

Satan meets him and tells him he's got to pick between 2 rooms. They go into the first room, and it's full of people standing on their heads on a marble floor. He takes him to the second room, and it's full of people sitting in an 18-inch deep layer of shit, drinking coffee. Guy figures that he likes coffee, and he'll get used to the smell, so he chooses the second room. He gets a cup of coffee, sits down and takes a sip. At that moment, Satan sticks his head back in the room and calls out Ok, everybody. Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!

How does a satanist measure weight?

In pentagrammes

Why does Satan have social anxiety?

Because he goes through hell just to say hello

A man dies and goes to Hell.

Satan greets him and says, "Welcome to hell, Dave. First, the Wi-fi password is..."

Dave says, "Wait, you guys have wi-fi?"

Satan replies, "Of course we do."

"That's certainly not bad at all" says Dave.

Satan continues, "So, as I was saying, the wi-fi password is the number pi"

Beware of Lil Nas X's Satan Shoes.

The devil might steal your sole.

If Satanists had missionaries...

would they be called Devil's Advocates?

What do you call people who believe in Satan?

Christians

Hey girl, did you fall from heaven?

because you look like Satan himself

Satan arrives to welcome a new damned soul to hell.

"Congratulations!", he says, "You wasted your entire pitiful life!"

"Well," the man replies, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement."

A World War 2 joke

Stalin and Hitler died and were recieved in Hell by Satan.

Satan asked them to wait in the guest cabin, because he had to search for the worst place in Hell for both of them (it had been a long time since some one so evil had come to his abode) .

While waiting, Hitler got bored and asked Stalin to tell him a joke.

Stalin said one word, "Moscow."

Hitler, after a long and hard thought, replied, "I don't get it."

Stalin laughs merrily and says, "Exactly."

Where does Satan shop for luxury items?

Demon Marcus.

I am so terribly sorry.

Satan went to the doctor because he felt he wasn't evil enough for the current times….

After his check up the doctor prescribed to him some meta-sin.

A lawyer dies and ends up in hell.

There must be some mistake, the lawyer argues. I'm too young to die. I'm only 42 years old!

Just 42? That doesn't sound right. says Satan.

The lawyer says, "Thank you so much, this must be some kind of mix up."

"Ah, here we have it," says Satan. "According to our calculations you're 97 years old."

"Where did you get that number from?" asks the lawyer.

Satan says, "We added up your time sheets."

My son's dyslexic, and every year at Christmas, he gets all excited and writes his little list of all the presents he wants, and then he goes and sends it off to Satan.

Well, actually I send it off to Satan because he can't spell.

Why did Satan build a gym in Hell?

To exercise the demons

God vs Satan

In contrast to popular beliefs, Heaven and Hell dont lie above each other, but next to each other.
Because God didnt want people be tempted to cross sides, he came to an agreement with Satan: they would have a wall build and split the bill afterwards.
Ofcourse as you could imagin when the wall was build, Satan plays deaf and dumb when it comes to the bill.
After some time God is fed up with Satan's behaviour and confronts him. "If you dont pay your share, i'll sue you!"

Satan shrugs and laughs: "what are you going to do? I got all the lawyers here"

Satan: So, what brings you to hell?

Me: I'm innocent!

Satan: Just tell me, what did you do?

Me: I saw my friend fighting a pregnant woman, so I jumped in to make it 2v2.