Satan Jokes
126 satan jokes and hilarious satan puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about satan that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Satan Short Jokes
Short satan jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The satan humour may include short angel jokes also.
- Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you'll hear Satan. Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear nickelback.
- If you play Nicki Minaj songs backwards you can hear satanic message..... even worse, if you play them forwards you can hear Nicki Minaj.
- A Mexican magician works on Microsoft Windows Uno, and *p**...*, DOS is gone without a tres.
- Hillary's mad at Satan Hillary: Satan! We had a deal! Where's the election victory that you promised me?
Satan: Where's the soul that you said you had? - The devil asked his resident weatherman what the forecast was for the week ahead... "Hail, Satan"
- Satan's first day on the job Human: "So i get anything I want?"
Satan: "Absolutely."
Human: "You say all you want is my shoe?"
Satan: "Just the bottom part, but yes." - If Satan was a teacher, which subject would he teach? Trigonometry. There's a lot of sin involved.
- I wanted to volunteer and do something good this holiday season... So I helped these dyslexic kids write letters to Satan.
- They say if you play the new Luke Bryan song backwards, you will hear a Satanic message. But that's not the worst part ...if you play it forwards, you'll hear the new Luke Bryan song.
- Did you hear about the dyslexic guy that sold his soul to Satan? He is now forced to make presents in the North Pole for all eternity.
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Satan One Liners
Which satan one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with satan? I can suggest the ones about eternity and heaven.
- Dear Satan, for christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
- What do you call people who believe in Satan? Christians
- Jesus wants you to give him your soul Whereas satan is willing to buy it off you.
- Hey girl, did you fall from heaven? because you look like Satan himself
- What is Satan's favorite headset? S810.
- An inverse exorcism... When you have to summon Satan to get the priest out of the boy.
- Geometry is the work of satan. It makes people sin.
- "Did it hurt?" "What?"
"When you fell from heaven?"
"Did you just call me Satan?" - How does Satan measure his mass? In pentagrams.
- Christmas must be a hard time for dyslexic children. They get their presents from Satan.
- Did you fall from heaven? Because so did Satan.
-Stolen from youtube - God is Love... ... But Satan does that thing you like with his tongue.
- Why is the dyslexic afraid of Christmas? Because that's when Satan comes.
- Hey girl, are you an angel? Cause so was satan.
- What did Satan name his new bar? The BeelzebPub
Satan Devil Jokes
Here is a list of funny satan devil jokes and even better satan devil puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If I had to wrestle Satan and was allowed to pick a partner, I'd pick Bob Ross He always knew how to beat the devil.
- Why does it take so long when Satan is in front of you in line at the post office? Because the devil takes many forms.
- Why did the Satanic cults' feet hurt? They sold their soles to the devil.
- Beware of Lil Nas X's Satan Shoes. The devil might steal your sole.
- Never stand behind Satan at the post office For the devil takes many forms
- Some of my Satan worshiping friends invited me to an open discussion on Satanism... I'm not a Satanist myself, but I do like to play Devil's advocate...it was very confusing.
- You'll never see Satan stoop to wearing Armani. 'Cause the Devil wears Prada.
- What did satan worshippers have for breakfast? Devilled eggs!
- What did Captain Kirk say when he decided to dabble in devil worship? Uhura, hail Satan.
- What's Satan favorite food? Deviled eggs.
Comical Satan Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
What funny jokes about satan you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean demon jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make satan pranks.
Jesus vs Satan
Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."
A man would come home very late and very drunk every night.
His wife decides to teach him a lesson by dressing up like Satan and scaring him.
When he finally stumbles across the lawn, his wife jumps out and howls like a d**....
He looks at her and slurs, "You don't scare me. I'm married to your sister!"
So, Jesus and Satan are sitting on a park bench one day
...just chilling, and Satan asks, "Hey JC, what's it called when little chunks of ice fall from the sky? It's not like I get to see it very often."
Jesus says, "Hail, Satan."
And Satan's all like, "YEEEEEAH, BOI!"
And Jesus is all like, "Oh, you."
Pope Benedict and Pope Francis are about to watch the World Cup Final...
Francis says, "sorry, but I spoke to Jesus last night and he said he'd do all he can to help Argentina win." Benedict says, "that's too bad, I spoke to Satan and he said he'd do everything he can to help Germany win." The game starts, and Francis says, "is that referee Italian?" Benedict says, "Yep. Hail Satan."
Two boys were walking home from church after hearing a strong preaching on the devil...
One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad"
what did the domino's pizza delivery guy say to Satan?
The power of crust compels you.
Why did the satanist become a lawyer?
He wanted to be the devil's advocate.
Why did Satan need life alert?
Because he had fallen, and could not get back up.
There would be no evil in the word.....
if Satan had life alert.
How much does a Satanist weigh?
A pentagram.
I wonder how many kids with dyslexic parents are getting gifts from Satan tomorrow?
ZING!
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned..."
The man professed quite a list of misgivings through the confessional screen.
"Son, have you prayed for forgiveness?"
"Yes, Father?"
"Do you renounce Satan?"
"Hey, that's my wife you're taking about!"
Satan walks into a church....
Satan walks into a church and sits down next to a guy. Satan asks the guy his name, the guy says Fred. Satan than asks why are you not afraid of me? Fred says, I've been married to your sister for 40 years.
Devil in the Church
One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
To silence her critics who hail her as Satan, Hillary is set to launch a new post-apocalyptical video game after winning the election!
It's called President Evil.
New research shows there are no Ginger Bankers...
Survey results suggested that although many wanted to work in finance, they wern't able to sell their soul to Satan...
An angry Hillary storms into Satan's office and yells
"You told me I was going to win!"
Satan looks up from the paper and says,
"Well, you told me you had a soul."
What system does Satan use to weigh packages?
Penta-grams
Appointing a class monitor..
*Teacher*: What do you do after school?
*1st Student*: I go and buy w**... from Yakobo
*2nd Student*: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo.
*3rd Student*: I go and buy c**... from Yakobo.
*4th Student*: I always stay at home and do my homework.
*Teacher:* You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What's your name?
*4th Student*: Yakobo
*Teacher*: Satan!
What did the b**... say to Satan?
Well, I'll be dammed.
Satan appeared before a small town congregation and everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away...
Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman, who sat calmly.
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
I hate playing football with Satan -
no matter what skills I use, he always has possession.
My mom smokes. I hate to think that she is slowly killing herself...
So instead I choose to believe that she is slowly sacrificing herself to Satan.
A man asked Satan...
"How can I become the best guitarist in the world?"
Satan answered, "Give me your soul."
The man was bewildered. "What if I gave you a dollar instead?"
Satan smiled. "Then I'll make you the best bass player in the world."
Why did the dyslexic Christian kill himself on Christmas day?
Because Satan was crawling down his chimney.
I used to be a Satanist
I don't know what possessed me...
God and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.
Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys."Very well," said God . "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches.""I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."
Satan was showing a group of people how he flexes one of his muscles.
It was a demonsstriation.
Did you hear how Satan used to be an angle up in heaven?
He was acute until he took a 180.
God, a man, and Satan walk into a bar
Bartender: JESUS CHRIST!
God: No, he couldn't make it, this is Steve.
I asked Satan to fix my shoe the other day.
But he took my sole in return.
A man is yelling "People, listen to me! I am the son of Satan!" out of the window of a mental asylum.
Another one sticks his head out and yells:
"Don't listen to him, he's a maniac! I don't have a son!"
My wife has weekly lessons with Satan on how to be more evil...
I can vouch that what ever she charges him is well worth it!
Last Dad Joke of the day for me
Two boys are walking home from Sunday School after hearing some strong preaching about the devil.
One says to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff"?
The other says "Well you know how Santa turned out to be, it's probably just your Dad".
A Bodybuilder Enters h**...
After a full day of hard labor, he asks Satan , "Hey man, is there somewhere I can get a protein shake around here?".
Satan replies, " There's no whey in h**...!!! ".
A priest asks John if he's scared of Satan.
Little John says:
"I have nothing to be scared of, you are the one that must be scared; you talk c**... about him every Sunday..."
If Satan ever lost his hair...
there would be h**... toupee.
I'll see myself out.
Satan sneak into my house yesterday
He said I won't be getting any presents from him this christmas
God and Satan arranged a basketball game between Heaven and h**....
"I know for a fact we are gonna win," said God. "We have all the best players up here...Wilt Chamberlain, Moses Malone, Kobe Bryant, and so on."
"I wouldn't count on that, God," said Satan. "You see, down here, *we* have all the referees."
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic Satan worshipper?
She sold her soul to Santa.
What's the difference between Donald Trump and Satan?
Satan can quote scripture.
Why was the dyslexic child sad on Christmas?
He received presents from Satan.
A man was sent to h**... after his death..
As he was being led into the pits for an eternity of torment, he saw a lawyer passionately kissing a beautiful woman.
What a joke! he said. I have to roast in flames for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with that beautiful woman. Satan jabbed the man with his pitchfork and snarled, Who are you to question that woman's punishment?
A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will give me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls and the souls of all your friends!"
The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"
Jesus and Satan are having a contest
They want to see who is the best programmer.
So the first challenge is screens. It's a tie.
Then Assembly. Tie again.
Web Design. Tie again.
Challenge after challenge nobody is winning. So after like five days the power fails. So they wait for it to come back on. Then when the power come back on Jesus is the clear winner.
Because Jesus saves.
Satan challenges God to a basketball game, so God puts together a choice team from heaven and goes down to h**....
When they come back to heaven, it's with shocking news: they lost the game 52 to 140!
The v**... Mary is stunned, "How could you possibly lose the game with a team like yours?! Didn't you have the best saints, the most generous souls, the philanthropists and Jesus himself??"
"Yes," fumes God, "it turns out they're all terrible at receiving."
Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to h**....
Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Government for 2 hours and only pays 300 dollars.
Upon hearing this, Putin went ballistic and demanded that Satan tell him why Donald had to pay so less but get to talk more. Satan answered simply, "Ever since Donald Trump became U.S President, he has turned America into a h**...-hole, so it's a local call."
h**... is sitting in h**... with Stalin and Satan chatting...
Satan asks them if either of them have any regrets.
h**...: You know, I do.
Stalin + Satan: Really?!?!
h**...: Yea, you know if I could do it all over again, I'd kill 6 million jews and a dog.
Satan: What?
Stalin: Why a dog?
h**...: See! I told you no one gives a s**... about the jews!
Why don't people with dyslexia like Christmas?
They don't like getting presents from Satan.
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.
Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys."Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches.""I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires
Guy dies and goes to h**....
Satan meets him and tells him he's got to pick between 2 rooms. They go into the first room, and it's full of people standing on their heads on a marble floor. He takes him to the second room, and it's full of people sitting in an 18-inch deep layer of s**..., drinking coffee. Guy figures that he likes coffee, and he'll get used to the smell, so he chooses the second room. He gets a cup of coffee, sits down and takes a sip. At that moment, Satan sticks his head back in the room and calls out Ok, everybody. Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!
Joel Osteen, God and Satan walk into a bar
Never mind, the bars closed because Joel Osteen got a Four million dollar bailout and the bar didn't.
How does a satanist measure weight?
In pentagrammes
Why does Satan have social anxiety?
Because he goes through h**... just to say hello
My son is dyslexic. Every year he writes his Christmas wishlist...
...and sends it off to Satan.
I told some jokes to Satan once.
It was h**..., but I was on fire.
A man dies and goes to h**....
Satan greets him and says, "Welcome to h**..., Dave. First, the Wi-fi password is..."
Dave says, "Wait, you guys have wi-fi?"
Satan replies, "Of course we do."
"That's certainly not bad at all" says Dave.
Satan continues, "So, as I was saying, the wi-fi password is the number pi"
If Satanists had missionaries...
would they be called Devil's Advocates?
My pastor is worried I might be gay and has asked me to avoid temptation..
Get thee behind me, Satan.
