Sarcastic Jokes

Today, I met Bruce Lee's vegetarian brother, Broco Lee.

I met a few of his cousins too;
The one who can't take a joke, Serious Lee.
The one is always there last minute, Sudden Lee.
The one who doesn't understand Metaphors, Literal Lee.
The one who is always throwing shade, Sarcastic Lee.
The one who is so sure of himself, Definite Lee.
The one you can always predict, Usual Lee.
The one whose always smiling, Happy Lee.
The one in disgrace, Shameful Lee.
The one that isn't very good looking, Ug Lee
AND,
The one who likes perfection, Exact Lee
In short, I met the whole Fama Lee.

Roger decided he was in no shape to drive as he walked out of the bar

So he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.
'What are you doing out here at three o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of night?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Roger grimly.

Mark and his wife were driving along a country road.

They weren't speaking to each other due to an earlier argument. As they passed a particularly rural stretch, they spotted a couple of monkeys in the treetops. "Relatives of yours?", asked Mark sarcastically.
"Yes," she replied. "My in-laws."

Idiot Teacher

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

A horse walks into a bar.

"Why the long face?" the bartender asks...
"Haha," the horse replies, sarcastically, "Haven't heard that one before."
"Just got the news," the horse continues, "I've been accepted into college."
Bartender says, "That's great news! You should be celebrating."
"Yeah... now I'll be saddled with student loans."

An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him.

He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man Just stared.
Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had s**... with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.

"If there are two idiots in the room, please stand up . . ."

The sarcastic teacher said this before surveying the room with a smarmy smile.
After a long silence, a lone student stands up in the middle of the classroom.
"I honestly didn't expect anyone to stand up. Mister, why do you consider yourself and an idiot?" The teacher asks this with a sneer.
"Well actually, I don't think I am," the student replied timidly, "but it didn't seem right to let you stand up alone."

My interviewer kept getting annoyed at me...

...when I kept responding to each question with the same question - only in a really sarcastic way.
Apparently, I don't know what a "mock interview" means.

Grandpa is becoming more sarcastic.....

I was talking about studying abroad for school to my grandmother. My grandpa looks up from his paper, and in all seriousness said, " I once studied a broad, then I married her." He returned to reading.

Took my dad shopping for some new shoes

He's 86 and found it quite tiring so we stopped for a coffee and a sandwich. While sitting there some teenagers sat at the table next to us.
One of them had a Mohican hairdo that was dyed all the colours of the rainbow and my dad wouldn't stop staring at him.
Eventually the boy got fed up of this and asked my dad sarcastically 'what is your problem old man haven't you ever done anything wild just for fun'
My dad, without missing a beat, replied
'I got drunk once in my 20's and had s**... with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son'

[Prop comedy] When you're at a formal event,

roll up both ends of your tie and ask, "Which end do you think's gonna unfurl the fastest?"
After they make their guess (or sarcastic remark)--pause for effect--create the atmosphere-- and let them drop!
They'll look at the tie first, then slowly pan up to your goofy grin..
and that's when you raise your arms and exclaim, "It's a ***TIE***!!"

Guru asks disciple - If there were two bags in front of you and I tell you one has money and the other has wisdom, which would you take?

Disciple: I would take the bag with the money.
Guru: (Sarcastic Laugh) I would take the bag with the wisdom.
Disciple: Each one takes what he doesn't have.

After an orchestra drummer performed particularly poorly, the conductor sarcastically told him, "when they find someone who can't play any instrument, they give him two sticks and make him the drummer."

The drummer retorted, "and if he can't play that either, they take away one stick and make him the conductor."

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up", said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?", inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

Arguing couple

A married couple drove down a country road for several miles, sitting in silence. An earlier discussion led to an argument in which neither would concede their position.
As they passed by a barnyard full of mules, pigs, and goats, the husband sarcastically asks: "Relatives of yours?"
'Yup,' the wife promptly replies. 'In-laws'

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

A math teacher was lecturing his students about double negatives and positives. He explained that a negative and a negative make a positive and that a positive and negative always make a negative. He also stated that two positives will never make a negative.

A student shouted sarcastically Yeah, right!

I got pulled over for speeding today and as the officer was handing me my ticket, I sarcastically asked, "What am I supposed to do with this!?"

He chuckled, "Just hold on to it and when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

The Man Who Needed Help.

So, a man walks into a Physiatrist office, he is wearing no clothing, but he is wrapped from head to toe in Saran wrap...
He asks the Shrink if in his profession opinion the man is okay.
The Physiatrist say; "Well I can clearly see your nuts!".
The man in Cling wrap turns around too walk about before sarcastically blurting out; "Woah, Thanks Doc...", then walked out of the Physiatrist office.
The Physiatrist looks at his receptionist and say's; "Did you see that a**...!".

You are being sarcastic

Years ago, in a very toxic workplace, my manager called me to a meeting and told me that I am using sarcasm and it undermines his authority
I looked at him and asked: Who, me?
--- true story

An egoist, a feminist and a Socialist walk into a bar...

An egotist, a feminist, and a Socialist walk into a bar.
The bartender overheard their conversation about politics and sarcastically said, "You guys would be great presidential candidates." They took him seriously...
...apparently America did too.

Husband proudly announces to his wife:

- Honey, I decided that it is time for me to drastically change my life position!
Wife, who knows him better than anyone, sarcastically asks:
-Are you sure sitting on the TV and watching the sofa is a good idea?

Jesus walks into a bar

Jesus walks into a bar after a pretty rough day. After a couple hours of whiskey shots the bartender says, "That's it. I'm cutting you off. Water only for you from now on."
Jesus replies back in a sarcastic tone," Oh no. Not water."

True story: I'm at a music festival with my wife and she is looking good.

I convince her to go to the port-a-potties. I ask here how high do you think the floor is off the ground. She says "I don't know, 3 inches?". I seductively ask her if she would like to accompany me in to the port-a-pottie and Join the 3 inch club. She looks at me sarcastically and says......"Oh, I've already joined the 3 inch club!!!" OUCH!

Friends

Back in the '90s my then-wife and I used to watch the TV show Friends, and as people did we would compare ourselves to the characters in the show. I always said I was the Chandler of our group because I felt I was the sarcastic, funny one, and my then-wife would always come back with saying I was more like Ross because he was whiny. We'd laugh about it, but when she eventually left me for her girlfriend I realized I should have paid more attention to what she was saying.

It would be terrifying if Elizabeth I were alive today...

... Because she's dead.
Note: Credit goes to my dryly-sarcastic history professor.

sarcastic jokes

* Stephen:- Knock knock !!
* Robert:- Who's there !!??
* Stephen:- Yah !!
* Robert:- Yah who !!??
* Stephen:- No I prefer Google !

Think Im Sarcastic? Watch Me Pretend To Care!

A doctor walks into the room and says, "Sir, you're going to have to stop m**...."

Guy says sarcastically, "Why? Because it will make me go blind?"
Doctor says, "No. You're scaring all of the patients."

Rob and Samantha ...

Rob and Samantha Henders just got married but they were having some communication issues – that's a nice way of saying they were fighting. One day, they were in the car driving down a country road, each not saying a word after a particularly intense fight.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, Rob sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"
"Yes," Samantha replied. "I married into the family."

A woman missing an eye comes into a bar

-I can't find my eye! Someone help me please!
A man sees her. He is tired from work and doesn't want to help her. "Sir, can you help find my eye?" She asks. "Would I?" He says sarcastically.
"No. Glass" She says.

How do you say genius sarcastically?

Apple genius.

My friend Todd, who is a midget was asked to be a judge at a local art show...

While going over the entries with the other judges, they came across a particularly terrible painting.
"Oh my god, this is amazing," said Todd, "I think we've found our winner."
"Are you being sarcastic?" one of the other judges asked.
Todd replied, "No, I'm just a little art official."

"Have you ever seen a mailbox before?" asked my postman sarcastically.

I said, "Yes. Floyd Mayweather."

Guy gets woman pregnant.

Her: "hey Babe I'm pregnant! I can't wait to see if it will be a boy or a girl! What would you want it to be?"
Him: "A Joke!..."
*sarcastically* "What do you want it to be!?"
Her:"YOURS!"

A woman walks into a supermarket.

She buys a bar of soap, a roll of toilet paper, a single size dinner, and a single size ice cream. The guy at the checkout looks at her and says "Single are you?" The woman replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?" He replies, "Because you're ugly."

I opened up a New Sarcastic club recently

And it's hard to tell if people are interested in joining my club or not...

I suffer from sarcasmitus. It makes everything I say sound sarcastic...

Yeah. THAT'S a real disease.

My girlfriend told me that I should stop being sarcastic

I replied, "what's sarcasm?"

What did Russia say when they bombed North Korea?

"Sorry, we were just being tsarcastic."

You know the 'Done' button you press to exit a video?

How come it only sounds judgy and sarcastic after I've finished jacking off?

A man holds his sarcastic wife at gunpoint.

He tells her, "I'm not going to miss you."
The wife says, "It wouldn't surprise me if you did."

What did the sarcastic chef say when his assistant over-cooked his steak?

Well done.

Why was the T-Rex angry?

His arms were too short to sarcastically slow clap this terrible joke...

No means no...

...unless she's being sarcastic

According to every sarcastic person I've ever met. The World Health Organisation really cares.

Not being able to tell if someone is being sarcastic on the internet isn't a problem at all.

Right?

Have you heard about the sarcastic gambler?

He was a real eye-roller!

Some people are sarcastic and some people are s**....

Half of them just don't know it.

What does a sarcastic drum say?

Ba Dum /s

Dads call me sarcastic, to that I say..

Suuuuure am!

Is your dad a gardner?

Him: Is your dad a gardner?
Her: (sarcastically) - Why, because you've never seen a flower like me?
Him: No, I wondered if you trim your bush.

I would make a sarcastic comment about North Korea...

... but it's been banned.

What do sarcastic humor and manual transmissions have in common?

Millennials understand neither.

A farmer walked into a hardware store

and while purchasing some tools was asked by the proprietor if he would like to buy a bicycle.
You won't have to keep a bicycle fed, said the storekeep, and you can ride around your farm on it. They're getting cheaper now, and I can let you have one for 35 dollars.
I'd rather put the 35 dollars into a cow, said the farmer.
Well, said the hardware man sarcastically, you'd look almighty foolish riding around your farm on a cow, now, wouldn't you?
No more foolish, I guess, said the farmer, than I would milking a bicycle.

I may be many things...

but not being sarcastic isn't one of them.
/s

What did the sarcastic taximan say when he lost his job?

Oh well that's just uber, isn't it

What do you call a sarcastic Canadian cow?

Cowlin Mockery

Overly intoxicated man in a bar one night is making a fool of himself

The next day he returns to the bar sits down and orders a coffee. The bartender sarcastically asks," are you sure you don't want another shot of whiskey?" Holding his stomach, and wiping his mouth the man says," I drank so much last night that I went home and blew chunks." The bartender says, "see what happens when you drink too much, you end up throwing up all night." The man replies." no, you don't understand, chunks is my dog".

What do you call a sarcastic mountain chain?

The Kappalachians.

What does a sarcastic fishing-rod with a broken reeler say?

No, reely?