Santa Jokes
166 santa jokes and hilarious santa puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about santa that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Let your festive season be filled with joy, laughter, and fun with these Santa jokes! From santa jokes for seniors to jokes for toddlers, find easy-to-understand puns and riddles related to chimneys, soots, and more. So don your best Christmas outfit, and get ready to add some extra cheer to your celebrations!
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Funniest Santa Short Jokes
Short santa jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The santa humour may include short chimney jokes also.
- My wife just told me that in 9 months, I'm in for a big surprise... I can't wait for Santa to come now!!
- There are no divorce courts at the North Pole, so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.
They're great for separating independent Clauses. - Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children? Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, its down the chimney.
- What's the difference between jelly and jam? Santa doesn't jelly himself down the chimney on Christmas Eve.
- I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
- A boy wrote Santa: "please send me a sister". Santa wrote back: "Alright, send me your mother".
- My girlfriend left me 6 weeks ago because she thinks I'm immature. Now I'm all alone on Christmas day and crying my eyes out because Santa didn't come.
- I took my son to see Santa Claus yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes. God knows what Santa Claus thought of him.
- What's the first thing Mrs Clause did when Santa got home on Christmas morning ? Emptied his sack.
- What's the difference between Santa Claus and the Jews? The way they traveled through the chimney.
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Santa One Liners
Which santa one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with santa? I can suggest the ones about dear santa and bad santa.
- How much does Santa's sleigh cost? $0, it's on the house.
- My love life is like Santa Claus. It exists thanks to gullible six year olds
- Darth Vader: Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas. Luke: How?
Darth Vader: I felt your presents. - What ethnicity is Santa? North Poleish
- PLEASE stop asking Santa for the perfect woman. I was almost kidnapped three times today.
- Why is Santa Claus always so Jolly? He knows where all the naughty girls live.
- Did you hear about the goth kid with dyslexia? He sold his soul to Santa.
- Why is Santa always happy? He knows where all bad girls are living.
- What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common? They don't come until you're asleep.
- Why was Santa hacked? Because he accepts all the cookies.
- I would like to be Santa Claus He knows where all the naughty girls live.
- How does Santa know if he lands on a Jewish house? There's a parking meter on the roof.
- Why is Santa's sack so big? He only comes once a year
- The reason why Santa is so jolly ...is he knows where all the bad girls live.
- why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa? They're making all the toys
Santa Claus Jokes
Here is a list of funny santa claus jokes and even better santa claus puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- 4 stages of life.... 1) You believe in Santa.
2) You don't believe in Santa.
3) You are Santa.
4) You look like Santa. - One Christmas, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus saying, Please send me a sister. Santa Claus wrote him back, OK, please send me your mother.
- When I was a kid, I used to believe in such nonsense as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny. Now that I've grown older, I don't believe in that rubbish anymore, thank God.
- What is another name for Santa's elves? Subordinate Clauses!
- Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19 He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation
- You know, I've never seen my Dad and Santa Claus in the same room Come to think of it, actually, I've never seen my Dad.
- Why is Santa Claus always a man? Because no woman will wear same dress year after year for same occasion.
- Who did Santa approach when he wanted to get a divorce? The Semi colon. They're good at separating independent clauses.
- What's the difference between Santa Claus and voter fraud? One is a childish fantasy about getting what you want. The other has flying reindeer.
- Why do Santa and Mrs. Claus not have any children? ...because Santa comes but once a year
Santa Clause Jokes
Here is a list of funny santa clause jokes and even better santa clause puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus
- How are Bill Cosby and Santa Claus similar They both only come when your sleeping
- Amazon is a lot like Santa Clause It brings gifts to our homes, gets busy around christmas and is very eager for our cookies.
- What do Santa Claus and my dad have in common? I've never met the real one...
- Why did Mrs. Claus finally leave Santa after all these years? She found out about his other two hos.
- Santa Jingle… He's making a list.
He's checking it twice.
Gonna find out who's naughty or nice.
Santa Claus is in violation of the General Data Protection Regulation (EU) 2016/679 - The four stages of life, in Santa Clause terms. 1) You believe in Santa.
2) You don't believe in Santa.
3) You pretend to be Santa.
4) You look like Santa. - Why does Santa come down the chimney? Mrs. clause told him he'd never be allowed to come in the back Door.
- My drunk uncle is Santa Claus He breaks into my house, drinks all the milk and snacks.. Then, he unloads his sack all over the living room.
- TIL Santa Claus is European.. North Polish to be exact
Santa Christmas Jokes
Here is a list of funny santa christmas jokes and even better santa christmas puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I am faced with a Christmas dilemma If I tell Santa what I want for Christmas, then I'll definitely be on the naughty list.
- Santa played a round of golf on Christmas day to relax and hit a birdie.... It was a partridge on a par 3.
- When I Was A Child Santa Gave Me Coal One Year For Christmas, So I Poisoned His Cookies And Milk Somehow he found out and killed my dad!
- How much does it cost to run Santa's sleigh every Christmas? Eight bucks
Nine bucks if the weather is bad. - What did Santa get the day after Christmas? Diabetes
- last year, I asked Santa for the sexiest person ever for Christmas.... I woke up in a box.
- What does Santa and his elves listen to in their Christmas workshop? WRAP MUSIC!
- If you want to save money this Christmas. Now is the perfect time to tell the kids.
Santa didn't make it through the pandemic.. - I remember as a child, lying awake at night on Christmas Eve waiting for Santa to come... ...then there was always that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
- Why is Santa Claus so jolly? He knows where all the naughty girls live.
I actually heard this in the video game LA Noire. Thought it was pretty funny so I bust it out every Christmas.
Kids Santa Jokes
Here is a list of funny kids santa jokes and even better kids santa puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa? Cause they're the ones who make the toys
- When Santa enters a house to give stuff to kids he's a hero and a amazingly kind man When I do it I get arrested for trespassing and being a child predator
- Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa? Because they make the toys.
- Why doesn't Santa Claus have any kids? He only comes once a year
- How come chinese kids dont belive in santa claus? Because they're the ones that make the toys.
- Why Hasn't Santa got any kids?
He only comes once a year and that's down a chimney - How to get out of buying your kids Christmas presents Explain to them that due to Global Warming that the North Pole melted and that Santa and the Reindeer drowned.
- My kids said I'm like Santa... They stopped believing in me years ago.
- What did the Jewish Santa say when going down the chimney? Hey kids! Wanna buy some presents?!
- What does Santa Claus and Jared from Subway have in common? They both leave kid's homes with empty sacks.
Delightful Fun Santa Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about santa you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean santa is a woman jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make santa pranks.
Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road
I'm going to leave and come back dressed as Santa with a sign that says, "Help, need ride!"
A woman walks into a tattoo parlor.
Asking the man in charge to put a picture of a turkey saying "Happy Thanksgiving!" on one thigh and a picture of Santa saying "Merry Christmas!" on the other. The man looked confused by her odd request, so he asked her why. She calmly looked at him and replied without even a stutter. "My husband always complains that there's nothing good to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving."
What do Michael Jackson and Santa have in common?
They both leave little boys rooms with lighter sacks.
From my handwriting identification skills.
I have carefully deduced that Santa is my secret Valentine every year.
What country does Santa visit first?
China, to stock up on the presents for the rest of them.
Indian On The Road
I'm driving from Santa Fe to Albuquerque when I see an American Indian lying on the road with his ear to the ground. Curious, I pull over, walk up to him and ask, "Excuse me, what are you doing?" He says, "Silver 1991 Chevy station wagon, one man, one woman, two children". I say, "Wow, you can tell all that just by listening to the road?" He says, "Heck no, they just ran me over".
Have you heard about the dyslexic satanist?
Sold his soul to Santa.
Why do you always see Santa with a full sack?
Because he only comes once a year!
A little girl sits on Santa's lap and asks him for a Barbie and a GI Joe.
"Well little girl, you can certainly have that, but doesn't Barbie usually come with Ken?"
"Oh no, Santa, Barbie fakes it with Ken, she comes with GI Joe."
Little Johnny's dad asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees...
Little Johnny claps his hands over his ears and says, "I don't wanna hear anymore! First you tell me there's no Santa Claus, and then there's no Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy either. If you're about to tell me grown ups don't have s**..., I got nothin' to believe in anymore!"
Have you ever heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree?
Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union, half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease, and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in months. There he was, fuming with rage, when in walks The Angel, cheerful and bubbly as ever, and asks with a big smile,
"where should I put the Christmas tree, Santa?"
Christmas gift
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe; she fakes it with Ken."
What does a h**... get from Santa?
50 bucks
As a child I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come.
Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
A little boy wrote to Santa Claus...
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Please send me a sister." Santa Claus wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
Why doesn't Santa have to pay for parking?
Because it's on the house.
A little boy wrote a letter to Santa stating he wanted a little sister
The next day he got a letter from santa saying: Ok send me your mother
Christmas always s**... when I was a kid...
I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.
When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come...
Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.
What do you call a guy who is afraid of Santa?
Claustrophobic!
4 stages of life
1. You believe in Santa
2. You don´t believe in Santa
3. You are Santa
4. You look like Santa
why does santa have such a huge sack
Because he only comes once a year
Dear santa...
Dear santa, this year, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in daddy's computer.
You know Santa came when..
There's more milk in the glass than when you left it.
What does bill Cosby and Santa have in common?
They both only come when you're sleeping
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to santa.
A boy told his teacher he wanted to be Santa.
"Why so? It seems like a lot of work." said the teacher.
"Because Santa knows where all the naughty girls live."
Did Santa get you that?
Cop on horse says to little g**... bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*c**... goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
Why does Santa have the best job in the world?
He knows where all the naughty girls live
In London this Christmas one in 5 children will not get a gift from Santa
One in every 5 children will not have a Christmas dinner with their parents
One in every 5 children will not have a Christmas tree in their house
This is not a message from the Salvation Army or unicef for you to donate
One in every 5 kids in London is a Muslim and they don't celebrate Christmas
I've been having s**... with Santa...
I'm a Hohosexual.
I saw Santa Claus having s**... with my mom. To get him back, I poisoned the cookies.
It turns out that Santa knew I would do this and killed my dad.
I remember when I was younger lying there in bed waiting for Santa to come..
I also remember the awkward silence while waiting for him to get dressed and leave.
Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up
However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.
They're great at separating independent Clauses.
An honest politician, a kind lawyer, and Santa were walking down the street...
...and they saw a £20 note. Who picked it up?
Santa. The other two don't exist.
A cop on a horse stops a little g**... a bike
Did Santa get you that bike?
Yes, replies the little girl.
Well next year tell him to put a reflector light on it! and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says Nice horse, did Santa bring you that?
The cop chuckles and replies He sure did!
Well, says the little girl, Next year tell Santa that the d*c**... goes under the horse, not on top of it!
Wanna hear a period joke?
What do periods and Santa have in common?
Neither comes if you have been naughty.
What part of the sleigh did Santa leave behind while he was passing through Africa?
He left the reigns down in Africa.
How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh and reindeer?
Nothing! It's on the house!
It's not easy being a dyslexic devil worshiper
If you're not careful, you could end up selling your soul to Santa
When I was a kid, my parents fed me a lot of b**..., like believing in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. But I finally started thinking for myself and realized it was all wishful thinking.
Thank you Jesus!
In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...
"Because they make the toys."
There are four stages of life and they all involve Santa
1. You believe in Santa.
2. You don't believe in Santa.
3. You are Santa.
4. You look like Santa.
Both of my parents died in a car c**... when I was a kid.
Not only did I lose my parents, but Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny all forgot about me that year too.
Ladies please stop asking Santa for the perfect man
That fella has tried to kidnap me 4 times this week
Santa has been reading all your posts.
Most of you are getting dictionaries.
