Santa Jokes
166 santa jokes and hilarious santa puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about santa that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Let your festive season be filled with joy, laughter, and fun with these Santa jokes! From santa jokes for seniors to jokes for toddlers, find easy-to-understand puns and riddles related to chimneys, soots, and more. So don your best Christmas outfit, and get ready to add some extra cheer to your celebrations!
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Funniest Santa Short Jokes
Short santa jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The santa humour may include short chimney jokes also.
- My wife just told me that in 9 months, I'm in for a big surprise... I can't wait for Santa to come now!!
- Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children? Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, its down the chimney.
- What's the difference between jelly and jam? Santa doesn't jelly himself down the chimney on Christmas Eve.
- I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
- A boy wrote Santa: "please send me a sister". Santa wrote back: "Alright, send me your mother".
- My girlfriend left me 6 weeks ago because she thinks I'm immature. Now I'm all alone on Christmas day and crying my eyes out because Santa didn't come.
- What's the first thing Mrs Clause did when Santa got home on Christmas morning ? Emptied his sack.
- Why did Santa stop coming down the chimney? Because he became Claustrophobic.
I'll see myself out. - When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come... Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.
- 4 stages of life.... 1) You believe in Santa.
2) You don't believe in Santa.
3) You are Santa.
4) You look like Santa.
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Santa One Liners
Which santa one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with santa? I can suggest the ones about dear santa and bad santa.
- How much does Santa's sleigh cost? $0, it's on the house.
- My love life is like Santa Claus. It exists thanks to gullible six year olds
- Darth Vader: Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas. Luke: How?
Darth Vader: I felt your presents. - What ethnicity is Santa? North Poleish
- PLEASE stop asking Santa for the perfect woman. I was almost kidnapped three times today.
- Why is Santa Claus always so Jolly? He knows where all the naughty girls live.
- Did you hear about the goth kid with dyslexia? He sold his soul to Santa.
- What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common? They don't come until you're asleep.
- Why was Santa hacked? Because he accepts all the cookies.
- I would like to be Santa Claus He knows where all the naughty girls live.
- Why is Santa's sack so big? He only comes once a year
- why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa? They're making all the toys
- What do you call a guy who is afraid of Santa? Claustrophobic!
- What's Santa's favourite heavy metal band? Sleigher
- What is another name for Santa's elves? Subordinate Clauses!
Santa Claus Jokes
Here is a list of funny santa claus jokes and even better santa claus puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19 He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation
- You know, I've never seen my Dad and Santa Claus in the same room Come to think of it, actually, I've never seen my Dad.
- Why do Santa and Mrs. Claus not have any children? ...because Santa comes but once a year
- What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus
- Amazon is a lot like Santa Clause It brings gifts to our homes, gets busy around christmas and is very eager for our cookies.
- What do Santa Claus and my dad have in common? I've never met the real one...
- Why did Mrs. Claus finally leave Santa after all these years? She found out about his other two hos.
- Santa Jingle… He's making a list.
He's checking it twice.
Gonna find out who's naughty or nice.
Santa Claus is in violation of the General Data Protection Regulation (EU) 2016/679 - Why does Santa come down the chimney? Mrs. clause told him he'd never be allowed to come in the back Door.
- My drunk uncle is Santa Claus He breaks into my house, drinks all the milk and snacks.. Then, he unloads his sack all over the living room.
Santa Christmas Jokes
Here is a list of funny santa christmas jokes and even better santa christmas puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I am faced with a Christmas dilemma If I tell Santa what I want for Christmas, then I'll definitely be on the naughty list.
- Santa played a round of golf on Christmas day to relax and hit a birdie.... It was a partridge on a par 3.
- When I Was A Child Santa Gave Me Coal One Year For Christmas, So I Poisoned His Cookies And Milk Somehow he found out and killed my dad!
- How much does it cost to run Santa's sleigh every Christmas? Eight bucks
Nine bucks if the weather is bad. - What did Santa get the day after Christmas? Diabetes
- last year, I asked Santa for the sexiest person ever for Christmas.... I woke up in a box.
- What does Santa and his elves listen to in their Christmas workshop? WRAP MUSIC!
- If you want to save money this Christmas. Now is the perfect time to tell the kids.
Santa didn't make it through the pandemic.. - How to get out of buying your kids Christmas presents Explain to them that due to Global Warming that the North Pole melted and that Santa and the Reindeer drowned.
- Christmas!!! Q: Why dont Chinese people believe in Santa Claus.
A: Cuz they make the gifts....
Kids Santa Jokes
Here is a list of funny kids santa jokes and even better kids santa puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When Santa enters a house to give stuff to kids he's a hero and a amazingly kind man When I do it I get arrested for trespassing and being a child predator
- How come chinese kids dont belive in santa claus? Because they're the ones that make the toys.
- My kids said I'm like Santa... They stopped believing in me years ago.
- What does Santa Claus and Jared from Subway have in common? They both leave kid's homes with empty sacks.
- I don't like Santa He gives all the expensive gifts only to the rich kids
- When I was a little kid, I would wait up all night waiting for santa to come. Then there was an awkward silence when he got up, put his pants on, and left.
- I asked Santa for a Frisbee when I was a kid.... But I was an only child, so he gave me a boomerang.
- Christmas night One night as santa was doing his usual job of putting gifts under the Christmas tree a kid woke up and asked Santa
"Santa? Why are your sacks so big?"
"Because i come once a year" - I remember the Christmas I found out Santa wasn't real I wish my parents has warned me because my kids were really disappointed christmas morning
- Some kids are afraid of Santa. They suffer from Claus-trophobia.
Santa Reindeer Jokes
Here is a list of funny santa reindeer jokes and even better santa reindeer puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? No, they already have names.
- What does santa do with a lazy reindeer? Sleighs 'em
- Why doesn't Santa use reindeer milk in his coffee? He prefers non-deery creamer.
- Santa's reindeer had an issue with their dinner reservation. The restaurant simply refused to seat the Donner party.
- How may reindeer does Santa have? 2, Rudolph and Olive the other reindeer
- Why are Santa's reindeer allowed to spend Christmas together? Because they have herd immunity.
- How does Santa choose which female reindeer to breed with his prized stud? By choosing the one that's the best bang for the buck.
- What happens when you cross Santa Claus with five shots of tequila? Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.
- Which was Santa's worst and least known reindeer? Olive.
Olive, the other reindeer. - A little boy asks a dealer in an alley dressed like Santa Claus, "Santa, how do your reindeer fly?"
He replies, "With magic, of course!-
You want some magic?"
Delightful Fun Santa Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about santa you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean elves jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make santa pranks.
Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road
I'm going to leave and come back dressed as Santa with a sign that says, "Help, need ride!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
o**..., Ghaddafi, and Kim Jong Il?
Santa must be taking his naughty list a tad seriously this year.
What do you do when you come across Santa on New Years Eve?
You wipe it off and apologize.
What do Michael Jackson and Santa have in common?
They both leave little boys rooms with lighter sacks.
From my handwriting identification skills.
I have carefully deduced that Santa is my secret Valentine every year.
What country does Santa visit first?
China, to stock up on the presents for the rest of them.
Indian On The Road
I'm driving from Santa Fe to Albuquerque when I see an American Indian lying on the road with his ear to the ground. Curious, I pull over, walk up to him and ask, "Excuse me, what are you doing?" He says, "Silver 1991 Chevy station wagon, one man, one woman, two children". I say, "Wow, you can tell all that just by listening to the road?" He says, "Heck no, they just ran me over".
A Jewish Santa Claus came down the chimney and said....
"Anyone wanna buy any presents?"
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How does Santa know if he lands on a Jewish house?
There's a parking meter on the roof.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Have you heard about the dyslexic satanist?
Sold his soul to Santa.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny's dad asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees...
Little Johnny claps his hands over his ears and says, "I don't wanna hear anymore! First you tell me there's no Santa Claus, and then there's no Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy either. If you're about to tell me grown ups don't have s**..., I got nothin' to believe in anymore!"
Have you ever heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree?
Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union, half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease, and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in months. There he was, fuming with rage, when in walks The Angel, cheerful and bubbly as ever, and asks with a big smile,
"where should I put the Christmas tree, Santa?"
Two boys were walking home from church after hearing a strong preaching on the devil...
One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a h**... get from Santa?
50 bucks
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Why Santa got involved with Christmas
Mrs. Clause overheard Santa on the phone:
Santa: Have you been naughty? ….That actually sounds nice. You can sit on my lap and tell me what you want while those wet stockings dry ….. I want to (come) down your chimney and eat your (cookie). What kind of (toys) should I bring?…. Yes, I'd love to see how you trimmed your (fir) … I just want to unload my (sack) when I see an angel on top.
Now, every year he has to keep doing the b**... lie he told.
An honest lawyer, a wealthy garbage collector, a teenage girl who's oblivious to what others think of her, and Santa Claus are in an elevator. Who's in the elevator?
Only Santa Claus, the other 3 don't exist.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is Santa Claus always a man?
Because no woman will wear same dress year after year for same occasion.
Q: What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
A: Santa stops after three hos.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Christmas always s**... when I was a kid...
I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.
What band does Santa listen to while delivering presents?
Slayer.
Dear santa...
Dear santa, this year, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in daddy's computer.
You know Santa came when..
There's more milk in the glass than when you left it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call Santa without both his arms?...
***Can't Applause...***
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What does Santa say to bad girls?
h**... h**... h**...
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Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to santa.
A boy told his teacher he wanted to be Santa.
"Why so? It seems like a lot of work." said the teacher.
"Because Santa knows where all the naughty girls live."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What happened to the dyslexic devil worshiper?
He sold his soul to santa
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did Santa get you that?
Cop on horse says to little g**... bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*c**... goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
Why does Santa have the best job in the world?
He knows where all the naughty girls live
Why doesn't Santa have any millennial elves?
Because there are already enough snowflakes at the North Pole.
I remember laying in bed at night waiting for Santa to come
and then he'd put on his pants and give me my presents.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The reason why Santa is so jolly
...is he knows where all the bad girls live.
TIL Santa Claus is European..
North Polish to be exact
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I took my son to see Santa Claus yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes.
God knows what Santa Claus thought of him.
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Santa walks into a bar followed by 3 hydrogen monoxide molecules
h**... h**... h**...
Santas reindeer get lost on a flight one night and don't return to the pole. After being missing for weeks, they are found, the only survivor being Donner. When asked how he survived, he replied:
"They don't call me Donner for nothin'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've been having s**... with Santa...
I'm a Hohosexual.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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I saw Santa Claus having s**... with my mom. To get him back, I poisoned the cookies.
It turns out that Santa knew I would do this and killed my dad.
Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up
However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.
They're great at separating independent Clauses.
Santa comes to the White House....
Santa arrives at the White House and hands Donald Trump his Christmas present. Trump excitedly tears open his gift then looks up at Santa in shock. "What?", Santa exclaims. "I thought you LOVED coal.
An honest politician, a kind lawyer, and Santa were walking down the street...
...and they saw a £20 note. Who picked it up?
Santa. The other two don't exist.
Why is it impossible to sneak up on Santa?
He can always feel your presents.
Wanna hear a period joke?
What do periods and Santa have in common?
Neither comes if you have been naughty.
What part of the sleigh did Santa leave behind while he was passing through Africa?
He left the reigns down in Africa.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's not easy being a dyslexic devil worshiper
If you're not careful, you could end up selling your soul to Santa
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When I was a kid, my parents fed me a lot of b**..., like believing in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. But I finally started thinking for myself and realized it was all wishful thinking.
Thank you Jesus!
In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...
"Because they make the toys."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Both of my parents died in a car c**... when I was a kid.
Not only did I lose my parents, but Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny all forgot about me that year too.
Why does Santa need to have all of his maps custom made?
He uses polar coordinates!
What did Mrs. Claus said when Santa Claus asked how is the weather?
"It looks like rain dear!"
How does Santa measure things?
In santameters.
