The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad
The cop asks the girl "did santa get you that?"
"Yes" the little girl replies
"Well next time tell him to put a reflector light on it" and the cop fines her £5
The girl, startled, replies "did santa get you that" and points at the horse
"He sure did" replied the cop, laughing
"Well tell him next time the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top of it"
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
The next year I decided to get back at him and poison the cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad
It exists thanks to gullible six year olds
I can't wait for Santa to come now!!
I can sense his presents
However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.
They're great at separating independent Clauses.
so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.
They're great for separating independent Clauses.
North Poleish
He knows where all the naughty girls live.
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, its down the chimney.
He sold his soul to Santa.
Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
'Son, the time has come for me to tell you how children are actually made!'
The boy puts his hands over his ears and yells:
'No! I don't wanna know!'
'But why not?' asks the father, surprised.
'Look, Dad! When I was 7, you told me that Santa doesn't exist. When I was 8, you told me the Easter Bunny doesn't exist either. But I'll be *really* pissed now if you tell me that we don't have to screw girls to make kids!'
Santa wrote back: "Alright, send me your mother".
It turns out that Santa knew I would do this and killed my dad.
because Santa didn't come.
They don't come until you're asleep.
God knows what Santa Claus thought of him.
Some how the bastard found out and killed my dad.
The way they traveled through the chimney.
He knows where all the naughty girls live.
" Together We can stop this shit"
There's a parking meter on the roof.
I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.
Santa & Banta both lost their wives and were searching for them when they bumped into each other "Where are you hurrying to?" asked Banta
"I lost my wife!"
"Really? Even mine. How did yours look like?"
"hmm... She was tall, slim, had huge tits, sexy soft and sweet ass, she was wearing a mini skirt at last, What about you?"
"Forget mine lets search for yours!" replied Banta.
And, apparently, you're a shitty secret Santa.
Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.
They both come when you're alseep.
...is he knows where all the bad girls live.
1. You believe in Santa
2. You don´t believe in Santa
3. You are Santa
4. You look like Santa
Claustrophobic!
Asking the man in charge to put a picture of a turkey saying "Happy Thanksgiving!" on one thigh and a picture of Santa saying "Merry Christmas!" on the other. The man looked confused by her odd request, so he asked her why. She calmly looked at him and replied without even a stutter. "My husband always complains that there's nothing good to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving."
Because Santa always comes down the chimney.
I also remember the awkward silence while waiting for him to get dressed and leave.
If I tell Santa what I want for Christmas, then I'll definitely be on the naughty list.
Sold his soul to Santa.
There's more milk in the glass than when you left it.
He knows where all the naughty girls live
"Well little girl, you can certainly have that, but doesn't Barbie usually come with Ken?"
"Oh no, Santa, Barbie fakes it with Ken, she comes with GI Joe."
He sold his soul to santa.
Come to think of it, actually, I've never seen my Dad.
Because no woman will wear same dress year after year for same occasion.
The Semi colon. They're good at separating independent clauses.
Little Johnny claps his hands over his ears and says, "I don't wanna hear anymore! First you tell me there's no Santa Claus, and then there's no Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy either. If you're about to tell me grown ups don't have sex, I got nothin' to believe in anymore!"
...and they saw a £20 note. Who picked it up?
Santa. The other two don't exist.
They both only come when you're sleeping
Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
China, to stock up on the presents for the rest of them.
Little girl sits on Santa's lap.
Santa: What would you like for Christmas?
Little Girl: I want a Barbie and a G.I.Joe.
Santa: Little girl don't you know Barbie comes with Ken?
Little Girl: No Santa, Barbie fakes it with Ken, she cums with G.I.Joe.
Because he only comes once a year!
The next day he got a letter from santa saying: Ok send me your mother
Claustrophobic
I'm going to leave and come back dressed as Santa with a sign that says, "Help, need ride!"
...because Santa comes but once a year
A rebel without a Claus
He leans over the side of the horse, and says "That's a nice trike, did Santa give it to you for Christmas?". The little girl proudly says yes. "Well, it looks like he forgot to give you a helmet too," the policeman says, "I'm going to have to write you a ticket."
At this point, the little girl is royally pissed, so she sweetly says to the policeman "I like your horse, did Santa give that to YOU for Christmas?". The policeman jokingly says yes. The little girl looks him straight in the eye, and says "Well, it looks like he made a mistake; the dick goes under the horse, not on top."
"I don't want to know!" the
boy exploded, bursting into tears. Confused, his
father asked the youngster what was wrong. Oh
pop," the boy sobbed, "for me there was no santa
claus at age six, no Easter bunny at age seven, no
tooth fairy at age eight and no stork at ten. and
if you're telling me now that grownups don't
really fuck, I've got nothing left to believe in!"
They both only come when your sleeping
Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union, half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease, and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in months. There he was, fuming with rage, when in walks The Angel, cheerful and bubbly as ever, and asks with a big smile,
"where should I put the Christmas tree, Santa?"
I'm driving from Santa Fe to Albuquerque when I see an American Indian lying on the road with his ear to the ground. Curious, I pull over, walk up to him and ask, "Excuse me, what are you doing?" He says, "Silver 1991 Chevy station wagon, one man, one woman, two children". I say, "Wow, you can tell all that just by listening to the road?" He says, "Heck no, they just ran me over".
Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.
She says, Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you'd like to come into my bedroom.
Santa responds, Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.
The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says, I've got something special for you Santa. Can't you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable.
Santa responds, Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.
Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says, Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift.
Santa responds Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can't get up the chimney with my cock this way!!!
The cop says to the Little Johnny, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"Little Johnny replies, "Yeah."The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.Little Johnny takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that"s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"Humoring Little Johnny, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."Little Johnny continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
For me it was when I noticed he had the same birthmark on his cock as my uncle.
Dear santa, this year, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in daddy's computer.
.... and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid replies, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
I'm a Hohosexual.
Neither one can come until you fall asleep
A man loses everything by gambling so he decides to go throw himself off a bridge. As he's about to jump, Santa Claus holds his hand and tells him, "Son, I know you lost all your money, house, cars, wife and kids because of gambling. Come suck my dick and I will give everything back to you." The man contemplates for a few seconds and realizes he has nothing left to lose and agrees. After he's done he asks santa when he'll get everything back and santa asks him, "Son, how old are you?"
"55" replies the man.
"55 years old and you still believe in Santa Claus? "
One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."
So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."
She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe; she fakes it with Ken."
Because he only comes once a year
One in every 5 children will not have a Christmas dinner with their parents
One in every 5 children will not have a Christmas tree in their house
This is not a message from the Salvation Army or unicef for you to donate
One in every 5 kids in London is a Muslim and they don't celebrate Christmas
I've never met the real one...
Merry Christmas ladies!
Don't wanna spoil Christmas with a bad joke.
Merry Christmas people:)
Nothing! It's on the house!
Diabetes
I have carefully deduced that Santa is my secret Valentine every year.
My girl just got a tattoo of a turkey on one thigh and Santa Claus on the other.
She wants to show that there *is* something good to eat in between
Thanksgiving and Christmas.
What do periods and Santa have in common?
Neither comes if you have been naughty.
Did Santa get you that bike?
Yes, replies the little girl.
Well next year tell him to put a reflector light on it! and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says Nice horse, did Santa bring you that?
The cop chuckles and replies He sure did!
Well, says the little girl, Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!
One year, Santa procrastinated too much and had an hour to go over his naughty nice list.
He was in a cabin gaining some progress when he heard a knock on his door. "Santa, we need your help in the workshop!"
Frustrated, Santa yelled "I'm busy right now, handle it yourselves. I can't afford to be interrupted!" And slammed the door.
Not 15 minutes later another knock is heard and his agitation is climbing. He opens the door and yells "What?!"
It was Mrs. Claus and she said startled "I brought you some food."
His face tuning red, he says "I've got a half hour left to check this list, I can't be interrupted!" He then slammed the door on his wife. He then says "I swear, the next interruption I get I'll just lose it."
About 20 minutes passed when he heard a knock at the door. He stormed to the door with a burning hatred when he opened it. It was an angel holding a Christmas tree. "Hey Santa, where do you want the tree?"
A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, Did Santa get you that?" Yes, replies the little girl. Well," says the policeman, "tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year, and fines her five dollars. The little girl looks up at the policeman and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that? The policeman chuckles and replies, He sure did!" Well, says the little girl, next year, tell Santa the d*ck goes under the horse and not on it."
Because it's on the house.
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Santa? Well, here are the best Santa puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Santa pick up lines to share with friends.