Santa Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa...

The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad

A cop on a horse is talking to a little girl on a bike...

The cop asks the girl "did santa get you that?"

"Yes" the little girl replies

"Well next time tell him to put a reflector light on it" and the cop fines her Β£5

The girl, startled, replies "did santa get you that" and points at the horse

"He sure did" replied the cop, laughing

"Well tell him next time the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top of it"

Did Santa get you that?

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

When I was 6 I got coal from Santa...

The next year I decided to get back at him and poison the cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad

My love life is like Santa Claus.

It exists thanks to gullible six year olds

My wife just told me that in 9 months, I'm in for a big surprise...

I can't wait for Santa to come now!!

Santa is nearby...

I can sense his presents

Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up

However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.

They're great at separating independent Clauses.

There are no divorce courts at the North Pole,

so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.

They're great for separating independent Clauses.

What ethnicity is Santa?

North Poleish

Why is Santa Claus always so Jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?

Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, its down the chimney.

Did you hear about the goth kid with dyslexia?

He sold his soul to Santa.

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

A father wants to have "the" talk with his 14 year old son

'Son, the time has come for me to tell you how children are actually made!'

The boy puts his hands over his ears and yells:

'No! I don't wanna know!'

'But why not?' asks the father, surprised.

'Look, Dad! When I was 7, you told me that Santa doesn't exist. When I was 8, you told me the Easter Bunny doesn't exist either. But I'll be *really* pissed now if you tell me that we don't have to screw girls to make kids!'

A boy wrote Santa: "please send me a sister".

Santa wrote back: "Alright, send me your mother".

I saw Santa Claus having sex with my mom. To get him back, I poisoned the cookies.

It turns out that Santa knew I would do this and killed my dad.

My girlfriend left me 6 weeks ago because she thinks I'm immature. Now I'm all alone on Christmas day and crying my eyes out

because Santa didn't come.

What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?

They don't come until you're asleep.

I took my son to see Santa Claus yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes.

God knows what Santa Claus thought of him.

I saw Santa Claus having sex with my mom. To get him back, I poisoned his cookies.

Some how the bastard found out and killed my dad.

What's the difference between Santa Claus and the Jews?

The way they traveled through the chimney.

I would like to be Santa Claus

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

$1 joke from homeless man on Santa Monica pier- "What did 1 butt cheek say to the other butt cheek"

" Together We can stop this shit"

How does Santa know if he lands on a Jewish house?

There's a parking meter on the roof.

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid...

I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.

lost wife

Santa & Banta both lost their wives and were searching for them when they bumped into each other "Where are you hurrying to?" asked Banta

"I lost my wife!"

"Really? Even mine. How did yours look like?"

"hmm... She was tall, slim, had huge tits, sexy soft and sweet ass, she was wearing a mini skirt at last, What about you?"

"Forget mine lets search for yours!" replied Banta.

Give a man a fish...

And, apparently, you're a shitty secret Santa.

When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come...

Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.

What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?

They both come when you're alseep.

The reason why Santa is so jolly

...is he knows where all the bad girls live.

4 stages of life

1. You believe in Santa

2. You donΒ΄t believe in Santa

3. You are Santa

4. You look like Santa

What do you call a guy who is afraid of Santa?

Claustrophobic!

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor.

Asking the man in charge to put a picture of a turkey saying "Happy Thanksgiving!" on one thigh and a picture of Santa saying "Merry Christmas!" on the other. The man looked confused by her odd request, so he asked her why. She calmly looked at him and replied without even a stutter. "My husband always complains that there's nothing good to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving."

'NSFW' Why didn't Mrs. Claus ever have kids?

Because Santa always comes down the chimney.

I remember when I was younger lying there in bed waiting for Santa to come..

I also remember the awkward silence while waiting for him to get dressed and leave.

I am faced with a Christmas dilemma

If I tell Santa what I want for Christmas, then I'll definitely be on the naughty list.

Have you heard about the dyslexic satanist?

Sold his soul to Santa.

You know Santa came when..

There's more milk in the glass than when you left it.

Why does Santa have the best job in the world?

He knows where all the naughty girls live

A little girl sits on Santa's lap and asks him for a Barbie and a GI Joe.

"Well little girl, you can certainly have that, but doesn't Barbie usually come with Ken?"

"Oh no, Santa, Barbie fakes it with Ken, she comes with GI Joe."

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his​ soul to santa.

You know, I've never seen my Dad and Santa Claus in the same room

Come to think of it, actually, I've never seen my Dad.

Why is Santa Claus always a man?

Because no woman will wear same dress year after year for same occasion.

Who did Santa approach when he wanted to get a divorce?

The Semi colon. They're good at separating independent clauses.

Little Johnny's dad asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees...

Little Johnny claps his hands over his ears and says, "I don't wanna hear anymore! First you tell me there's no Santa Claus, and then there's no Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy either. If you're about to tell me grown ups don't have sex, I got nothin' to believe in anymore!"

An honest politician, a kind lawyer, and Santa were walking down the street...

...and they saw a Β£20 note. Who picked it up?

Santa. The other two don't exist.

What does bill Cosby and Santa have in common?

They both only come when you're sleeping

As a child I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come.

Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

What country does Santa visit first?

China, to stock up on the presents for the rest of them.

Little girl Christmas Joke.

Little girl sits on Santa's lap.

Santa: What would you like for Christmas?

Little Girl: I want a Barbie and a G.I.Joe.

Santa: Little girl don't you know Barbie comes with Ken?

Little Girl: No Santa, Barbie fakes it with Ken, she cums with G.I.Joe.

Why do you always see Santa with a full sack?

Because he only comes once a year!

A little boy wrote a letter to Santa stating he wanted a little sister

The next day he got a letter from santa saying: Ok send me your mother

What do you call a child afraid of Santa?

Claustrophobic

Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road

I'm going to leave and come back dressed as Santa with a sign that says, "Help, need ride!"

Why do Santa and Mrs. Claus not have any children?

...because Santa comes but once a year

What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus

A mounted policeman stops his horse next to a little girl and her tricycle.

He leans over the side of the horse, and says "That's a nice trike, did Santa give it to you for Christmas?". The little girl proudly says yes. "Well, it looks like he forgot to give you a helmet too," the policeman says, "I'm going to have to write you a ticket."
At this point, the little girl is royally pissed, so she sweetly says to the policeman "I like your horse, did Santa give that to YOU for Christmas?". The policeman jokingly says yes. The little girl looks him straight in the eye, and says "Well, it looks like he made a mistake; the dick goes under the horse, not on top."

A father asked his young son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the
boy exploded, bursting into tears. Confused, his
father asked the youngster what was wrong. Oh
pop," the boy sobbed, "for me there was no santa
claus at age six, no Easter bunny at age seven, no
tooth fairy at age eight and no stork at ten. and
if you're telling me now that grownups don't
really fuck, I've got nothing left to believe in!"

How are Bill Cosby and Santa Claus similar

They both only come when your sleeping

Have you ever heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree?

Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union, half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease, and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in months. There he was, fuming with rage, when in walks The Angel, cheerful and bubbly as ever, and asks with a big smile,

"where should I put the Christmas tree, Santa?"

Indian On The Road

I'm driving from Santa Fe to Albuquerque when I see an American Indian lying on the road with his ear to the ground. Curious, I pull over, walk up to him and ask, "Excuse me, what are you doing?" He says, "Silver 1991 Chevy station wagon, one man, one woman, two children". I say, "Wow, you can tell all that just by listening to the road?" He says, "Heck no, they just ran me over".

A Christmas Sex Joke

Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.

She says, Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you'd like to come into my bedroom.

Santa responds, Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.

The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says, I've got something special for you Santa. Can't you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable.

Santa responds, Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.

Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says, Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift.

Santa responds Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can't get up the chimney with my cock this way!!!

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is Little Johnny on his shiny new bike.

The cop says to the Little Johnny, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"Little Johnny replies, "Yeah."The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.Little Johnny takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that"s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"Humoring Little Johnny, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."Little Johnny continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

When did you find out Santa wasn't real?

For me it was when I noticed he had the same birthmark on his cock as my uncle.

Dear santa...

Dear santa, this year, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in daddy's computer.

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light...

.... and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid replies, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

I've been having sex with Santa...

I'm a Hohosexual.

What do Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?

Neither one can come until you fall asleep

A man loses everything by gambling

A man loses everything by gambling so he decides to go throw himself off a bridge. As he's about to jump, Santa Claus holds his hand and tells him, "Son, I know you lost all your money, house, cars, wife and kids because of gambling. Come suck my dick and I will give everything back to you." The man contemplates for a few seconds and realizes he has nothing left to lose and agrees. After he's done he asks santa when he'll get everything back and santa asks him, "Son, how old are you?"

"55" replies the man.

"55 years old and you still believe in Santa Claus? "

Dirty Santa Joke

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."

So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."

She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

Christmas gift

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe; she fakes it with Ken."

why does santa have such a huge sack

Because he only comes once a year

In London this Christmas one in 5 children will not get a gift from Santa

One in every 5 children will not have a Christmas dinner with their parents

One in every 5 children will not have a Christmas tree in their house

This is not a message from the Salvation Army or unicef for you to donate

One in every 5 kids in London is a Muslim and they don't celebrate Christmas

What do Santa Claus and my dad have in common?

I've never met the real one...

What did Santa say, when he saw your mom, sister, and girlfriend in the same room?

Merry Christmas ladies!

Don't wanna spoil Christmas with a bad joke.

Merry Christmas people:)

How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh and reindeer?

Nothing! It's on the house!

What did Santa get the day after Christmas?

Diabetes

From my handwriting identification skills.

I have carefully deduced that Santa is my secret Valentine every year.

Tasty Tattoo

My girl just got a tattoo of a turkey on one thigh and Santa Claus on the other.

She wants to show that there *is* something good to eat in between
Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Wanna hear a period joke?

What do periods and Santa have in common?
Neither comes if you have been naughty.

A cop on a horse stops a little girl on a bike

Did Santa get you that bike?

Yes, replies the little girl.

Well next year tell him to put a reflector light on it! and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says Nice horse, did Santa bring you that?

The cop chuckles and replies He sure did!

Well, says the little girl, Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!

Why some put angels as Christmas tree toppers.

One year, Santa procrastinated too much and had an hour to go over his naughty nice list.

He was in a cabin gaining some progress when he heard a knock on his door. "Santa, we need your help in the workshop!"

Frustrated, Santa yelled "I'm busy right now, handle it yourselves. I can't afford to be interrupted!" And slammed the door.

Not 15 minutes later another knock is heard and his agitation is climbing. He opens the door and yells "What?!"

It was Mrs. Claus and she said startled "I brought you some food."

His face tuning red, he says "I've got a half hour left to check this list, I can't be interrupted!" He then slammed the door on his wife. He then says "I swear, the next interruption I get I'll just lose it."

About 20 minutes passed when he heard a knock at the door. He stormed to the door with a burning hatred when he opened it. It was an angel holding a Christmas tree. "Hey Santa, where do you want the tree?"

policeman VS little girl

A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, Did Santa get you that?" Yes, replies the little girl. Well," says the policeman, "tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year, and fines her five dollars. The little girl looks up at the policeman and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that? The policeman chuckles and replies, He sure did!" Well, says the little girl, next year, tell Santa the d*ck goes under the horse and not on it."

Why doesn't Santa have to pay for parking?

Because it's on the house.

What are the funniest santa jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Santa? Well, here are the best Santa puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Santa pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes