The Best 92 Santa Jokes
Following is our collection of funniest Santa jokes. There are some santa snowmen jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these santa santa is a woman puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Funny Santa Jokes and Puns
last year, I asked Santa for the sexiest person ever for Christmas....
I woke up in a box.
Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road
I'm going to leave and come back dressed as Santa with a sign that says, "Help, need ride!"
A woman walks into a tattoo parlor.
Asking the man in charge to put a picture of a turkey saying "Happy Thanksgiving!" on one thigh and a picture of Santa saying "Merry Christmas!" on the other. The man looked confused by her odd request, so he asked her why. She calmly looked at him and replied without even a stutter. "My husband always complains that there's nothing good to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving."
What do Michael Jackson and Santa have in common?
They both leave little boys rooms with lighter sacks.
What did Santa get the day after Christmas?
Diabetes
From my handwriting identification skills.
I have carefully deduced that Santa is my secret Valentine every year.
What country does Santa visit first?
China, to stock up on the presents for the rest of them.
Indian On The Road
I'm driving from Santa Fe to Albuquerque when I see an American Indian lying on the road with his ear to the ground. Curious, I pull over, walk up to him and ask, "Excuse me, what are you doing?" He says, "Silver 1991 Chevy station wagon, one man, one woman, two children". I say, "Wow, you can tell all that just by listening to the road?" He says, "Heck no, they just ran me over".
How does Santa know if he lands on a Jewish house?
There's a parking meter on the roof.
Have you heard about the dyslexic satanist?
Sold his soul to Santa.
Why do you always see Santa with a full sack?
Because he only comes once a year!
You can explore santa soots reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean santa yule dad jokes. There are also santa puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What ethnicity is Santa?
North Poleish
Did you hear about the goth kid with dyslexia?
He sold his soul to Santa.
A little girl sits on Santa's lap and asks him for a Barbie and a GI Joe.
"Well little girl, you can certainly have that, but doesn't Barbie usually come with Ken?"
"Oh no, Santa, Barbie fakes it with Ken, she comes with GI Joe."
Little Johnny's dad asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees...
Little Johnny claps his hands over his ears and says, "I don't wanna hear anymore! First you tell me there's no Santa Claus, and then there's no Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy either. If you're about to tell me grown ups don't have sex, I got nothin' to believe in anymore!"
Have you ever heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree?
Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union, half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease, and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in months. There he was, fuming with rage, when in walks The Angel, cheerful and bubbly as ever, and asks with a big smile,
"where should I put the Christmas tree, Santa?"
Christmas gift
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe; she fakes it with Ken."
What does a hooker get from Santa?
50 bucks
As a child I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come.
Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
A little boy wrote to Santa Claus...
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Please send me a sister." Santa Claus wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
Why doesn't Santa have to pay for parking?
Because it's on the house.
Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, its down the chimney.
Why do Santa and Mrs. Claus not have any children?
...because Santa comes but once a year
How are Bill Cosby and Santa Claus similar
They both only come when your sleeping
I would like to be Santa Claus
He knows where all the naughty girls live.
Why is Santa Claus always a man?
Because no woman will wear same dress year after year for same occasion.
My love life is like Santa Claus.
It exists thanks to gullible six year olds
A little boy wrote a letter to Santa stating he wanted a little sister
The next day he got a letter from santa saying: Ok send me your mother
What's the difference between Santa Claus and the Jews?
The way they traveled through the chimney.
There are no divorce courts at the North Pole,
so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.
They're great for separating independent Clauses.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid...
I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.
When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come...
Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.
What do you call a guy who is afraid of Santa?
Claustrophobic!
4 stages of life
1. You believe in Santa
2. You don´t believe in Santa
3. You are Santa
4. You look like Santa
why does santa have such a huge sack
Because he only comes once a year
Why is Santa Claus always so Jolly?
He knows where all the naughty girls live.
Santa is nearby...
I can sense his presents
Dear santa...
Dear santa, this year, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in daddy's computer.
My girlfriend left me 6 weeks ago because she thinks I'm immature. Now I'm all alone on Christmas day and crying my eyes out
because Santa didn't come.
You know Santa came when..
There's more milk in the glass than when you left it.
A boy wrote Santa: "please send me a sister".
Santa wrote back: "Alright, send me your mother".
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.
Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
What does bill Cosby and Santa have in common?
They both only come when you're sleeping
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to santa.
Who did Santa approach when he wanted to get a divorce?
The Semi colon. They're good at separating independent clauses.
A boy told his teacher he wanted to be Santa.
"Why so? It seems like a lot of work." said the teacher.
"Because Santa knows where all the naughty girls live."
What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?
They don't come until you're asleep.
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus
Did Santa get you that?
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
Why does Santa have the best job in the world?
He knows where all the naughty girls live
The reason why Santa is so jolly
...is he knows where all the bad girls live.
TIL Santa Claus is European..
North Polish to be exact
What do Santa Claus and my dad have in common?
I've never met the real one...
I took my son to see Santa Claus yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes.
God knows what Santa Claus thought of him.
I am faced with a Christmas dilemma
If I tell Santa what I want for Christmas, then I'll definitely be on the naughty list.
In London this Christmas one in 5 children will not get a gift from Santa
One in every 5 children will not have a Christmas dinner with their parents
One in every 5 children will not have a Christmas tree in their house
This is not a message from the Salvation Army or unicef for you to donate
One in every 5 kids in London is a Muslim and they don't celebrate Christmas
My drunk uncle is Santa Claus
He breaks into my house, drinks all the milk and snacks.. Then, he unloads his sack all over the living room.
I've been having sex with Santa...
I'm a Hohosexual.
I saw Santa Claus having sex with my mom. To get him back, I poisoned the cookies.
It turns out that Santa knew I would do this and killed my dad.
I remember when I was younger lying there in bed waiting for Santa to come..
I also remember the awkward silence while waiting for him to get dressed and leave.
Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up
However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.
They're great at separating independent Clauses.
An honest politician, a kind lawyer, and Santa were walking down the street...
...and they saw a £20 note. Who picked it up?
Santa. The other two don't exist.
Why does Santa come down the chimney?
Mrs. clause told him he'd never be allowed to come in the back Door.
You know, I've never seen my Dad and Santa Claus in the same room
Come to think of it, actually, I've never seen my Dad.
My wife just told me that in 9 months, I'm in for a big surprise...
I can't wait for Santa to come now!!
A cop on a horse stops a little girl on a bike
Did Santa get you that bike?
Yes, replies the little girl.
Well next year tell him to put a reflector light on it! and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says Nice horse, did Santa bring you that?
The cop chuckles and replies He sure did!
Well, says the little girl, Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!
Wanna hear a period joke?
What do periods and Santa have in common?
Neither comes if you have been naughty.
What part of the sleigh did Santa leave behind while he was passing through Africa?
He left the reigns down in Africa.
How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh and reindeer?
Nothing! It's on the house!
It's not easy being a dyslexic devil worshiper
If you're not careful, you could end up selling your soul to Santa
When I was a kid, my parents fed me a lot of bullshit, like believing in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. But I finally started thinking for myself and realized it was all wishful thinking.
Thank you Jesus!
When I Was A Child Santa Gave Me Coal One Year For Christmas, So I Poisoned His Cookies And Milk
Somehow he found out and killed my dad!
In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...
"Because they make the toys."
There are four stages of life and they all involve Santa
1. You believe in Santa.
2. You don't believe in Santa.
3. You are Santa.
4. You look like Santa.
What's the difference between Santa Claus and voter fraud?
One is a childish fantasy about getting what you want. The other has flying reindeer.
Both of my parents died in a car crash when I was a kid.
Not only did I lose my parents, but Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny all forgot about me that year too.
Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19
He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation
When Santa enters a house to give stuff to kids he's a hero and a amazingly kind man
When I do it I get arrested for trespassing and being a child predator
PLEASE stop asking Santa for the perfect woman.
I was almost kidnapped three times today.
Ladies please stop asking Santa for the perfect man
That fella has tried to kidnap me 4 times this week
Santa has been reading all your posts.
Most of you are getting dictionaries.
Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa?
Cause they're the ones who make the toys
How much does it cost for santa to park his sleigh?
Nothing- It's on the house
Santa played a round of golf on Christmas day to relax and hit a birdie....
It was a partridge on a par 3.
Claustrophobic?
Who would ever be scared of Santa Claus?
Did you know Santa has only two reindeer?
Rudolph and Olive, the other reindeer.
How does Santa choose which female reindeer to breed with his prized stud?
By choosing the one that's the best bang for the buck.
I walked into the shop, glimpsing my beard covered in snow as I entered
"You're a few weeks late aren't you Santa?" the girl behind the counter joked, smiling.
"Ho, ho, ho!" I fired back at her, in an uncharacteristic misogynistic outburst.
Why did Mrs. Claus finally leave Santa after all these years?
She found out about his other two hos.
How is Bill Cosby like Santa Claus?
Neither will come unless you're asleep
Why doesn't santa have any children?
Cos he only comes once a year and that's down the chimney
Son: *crying* Santa isn't real!
Me: of course he is!
Son: •sniffle• but I stayed up all night and he didn't come
Me: aw, buddy, •kneels down• he must really hate you then
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the santa christmas jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working santa elves piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.