Santa Claus Jokes
104 santa claus jokes and hilarious santa claus puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about santa claus that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Santa Claus Short Jokes
Short santa claus jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The santa claus humour may include short santa christmas jokes also.
- Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children? Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, its down the chimney.
- What's the first thing Mrs Clause did when Santa got home on Christmas morning ? Emptied his sack.
- 4 stages of life.... 1) You believe in Santa.
2) You don't believe in Santa.
3) You are Santa.
4) You look like Santa. - Darth Vader: Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas. Luke: How?
Darth Vader: I felt your presents. - You know, I've never seen my Dad and Santa Claus in the same room Come to think of it, actually, I've never seen my Dad.
- Amazon is a lot like Santa Clause It brings gifts to our homes, gets busy around christmas and is very eager for our cookies.
- Why did Mrs. Claus finally leave Santa after all these years? She found out about his other two hos.
- Santa Jingle… He's making a list.
He's checking it twice.
Gonna find out who's naughty or nice.
Santa Claus is in violation of the General Data Protection Regulation (EU) 2016/679 - Why does Santa come down the chimney? Mrs. clause told him he'd never be allowed to come in the back Door.
- My drunk uncle is Santa Claus He breaks into my house, drinks all the milk and snacks.. Then, he unloads his sack all over the living room.
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Santa Claus One Liners
Which santa claus one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with santa claus? I can suggest the ones about mall santa and mrs claus.
- My love life is like Santa Claus. It exists thanks to gullible six year olds
- Why is Santa Claus always so Jolly? He knows where all the naughty girls live.
- What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common? They don't come until you're asleep.
- I would like to be Santa Claus He knows where all the naughty girls live.
- What is another name for Santa's elves? Subordinate Clauses!
- Why do Santa and Mrs. Claus not have any children? ...because Santa comes but once a year
- What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus
- What do Santa Claus and my dad have in common? I've never met the real one...
- TIL Santa Claus is European.. North Polish to be exact
- A Jewish Santa Claus came down the chimney and said.... "Anyone wanna buy any presents?"
- Who corrects Santa's grammar? A subordinate Clause.
- Why do some Jewish people believe in Santa Claus? because he isreal
- Why did the police search Santas sleigh Because they had probable Claus
- Why is Mrs. Claus disappointed? because Santa came early!
I'll let myself out. - I don't believe in Santa I guess you could say I'm a rebel without a Claus.
Happy Santa Claus Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about santa claus you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean santa reindeer jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make santa claus pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw Santa Claus having s**... with my mom. To get him back, I poisoned the cookies.
It turns out that Santa knew I would do this and killed my dad.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I took my son to see Santa Claus yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes.
God knows what Santa Claus thought of him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Christmas always s**... when I was a kid...
I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.
I was chatting with my Finnish friend the other day...
I asked him where his favorite part of Finland was.
He said "Hyvä kysymys! I really like Rovaniemi for the Santa Claus Village!"
I asked him "Hyvä kysymys? What's that?"
All he said was "Good question!"
It's been a week and he still hasn't told me what it means.
(I'm learning Finnish, this joke has likely been done before with a different language, haven't seen it here yet)
edit: fingers added a letter, got it fixed
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Little Johnny's dad asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees...
Little Johnny claps his hands over his ears and says, "I don't wanna hear anymore! First you tell me there's no Santa Claus, and then there's no Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy either. If you're about to tell me grown ups don't have s**..., I got nothin' to believe in anymore!"
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When I was a kid, my parents fed me a lot of b**..., like believing in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. But I finally started thinking for myself and realized it was all wishful thinking.
Thank you Jesus!
In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...
"Because they make the toys."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is Santa Claus always a man?
Because no woman will wear same dress year after year for same occasion.
Q: What is the difference between tiger woods and Santa Claus?
A: Santa stops after three hos.
Two boys were walking home from church after hearing a strong preaching on the devil...
One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad"
How come chinese kids dont belive in santa claus?
Because they're the ones that make the toys.
What did Mrs. Claus said when Santa Claus asked how is the weather?
"It looks like rain dear!"
An honest lawyer, a wealthy garbage collector, a teenage girl who's oblivious to what others think of her, and Santa Claus are in an elevator. Who's in the elevator?
Only Santa Claus, the other 3 don't exist.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Santa Claus is such and a**...
He know where all the naughty girls are, but doesn't tell anyone else.....
What does Santa Claus and Jared from Subway have in common?
They both leave kid's homes with empty sacks.
Two prostitutes are discussing
one asks the other:
-What did you ask to Santa Claus this year?
the other one answers:
-Fifty dollars like everybody else
When my parents told me there was no Santa Claus I was so mad at them!
I stomped out the door, got in my car and drove away.
Christmas!!!
Q: Why dont Chinese people believe in Santa Claus.
A: Cuz they make the gifts....
Who is the odd one out between.... Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, Bill Cosby and the tooth fairy?
The Easter bunny, the rest only come when you are sleeping.
My brother pulled this one about his promiscuous dad today
What's the difference between dad and Santa Claus?
Santa Claus stops after 3 hos.
Steve Rogers gets into Santa Claus's automobile...
...and is immediately shot dead.
RIP Steve Rogers.
He was capped in a merry car.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many reindeers does Santa Claus have?
Santa Claus has 10 reindeers according to the song.
>You know **Dasher** and **Dancer** and **Prancer** and **v**...**,
**Comet** and **Cupid** and **Donner** and **Blitzen**,
but do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?
**Rudolph** the Red-Nosed Reindeer, had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows.
**Olof** the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names
Santa Claus, a blind guy, and an honest corporate executive approach a dollar on the sidewalk. Who picks it up first?
None of them, because the blind guy wouldn't see it, and the other two don't exist.
I remember when I discovered Santa Claus was just my dad
I still don't know how he snuck out every year to deliver presents all over the world.
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Santa Claus is a d**......
He made my wife sit on his lap, asked if she's been naughty this year then laughed and repeatedly called her a h**....
What does the Egyptian Santa Clause say when he enters a child's house?
I come bearing glyphs
911 - A Parody Of Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis
Over the hills we go, crashing into trees!
The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead,
I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh!
9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead!
Rudolph took a .44 and shot him in the head, oh!
Barbie Doll, Barbie Doll, tried to save his life,
But G.I. Joe from Mexico stabbed him with a knife!
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and Santa Claus are playing a card game. Who wins?
The dumb blonde does. The other two don't exist.
A good lawyer, the Tooth-fairy, Santa Claus, and a homeless man are walking down the street,
They see a 100$ bill, who gets it?
The homeless man obviously, the rest are mythical creatures
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What did Santa Claus say when he heard Mrs Claus had been cheating on him?
h**... h**... h**...
How does Santa Claus remember which chimneys he's been down?
He keeps a log
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I punched the mall Santa Clause in the face
He called my daughter a h**...'. 3 times!
A Smart Blonde, Big Foot and Santa Claus Jump From A Building. Who reaches the ground first?
No one, none of them exists.
Santa Claus came early!
Mrs. Claus wasn't too happy.
What's the difference between Santa Claus & Michael Jackson?
one comes when children dream & the other dreams of children coming*.
TIL that there is a federal law that mandates more jail time be given for breaking and entering a home on a holiday.
It's called the Santa Clause
What style of potato chips does Santa Claus like best?
Kringle Cut
What is the legal loop hole in breaking and entering laws?
The Santa Clause
Claustrophobic?
Who would ever be scared of Santa Claus?
What do married men and Santa Claus have in common?
They only come once a year.
My dad is like Santa Claus
He's there when I'm young, but he disappears as I get older
What's the best thing about working for Santa Claus?
Universal elf care.
My husband is like Santa Claus
He's old, fat, and comes once in a year.
Did you know that Santa Claus is both an arborist and a geologist?
He's gonna find out what's knotty or gneiss.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause...
Daddy did too. Now they're getting a divorce. Merry Christmas my a**....
Have You Heard of the Arabic Santa Clause?
No? Me either. It's because he's on the No-Fly list.
What's the difference between Santa Clause and a knight?
One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!
Who gets the money?
In a room there is a poor Nigerian man, a rich Nigerian man, Santa Clause, and the Tooth Fairy. In the middle of the room there is a million dollars. Out of the 4 who gets the millions dollars?
Obviously the poor Nigerian man because the other 3 do not exist.
What do Kevin Spacey and Santa Claus have in common?
They both like to empty their sacks for young boys.
(I know it's an old MJ joke)
Santa probably regrets giving coal
Santa Claus probably regrets giving coal to naughty children now that global warming is threatening his habitat.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call someone who wants to sleep with Santa Claus?
A h**... h**... h**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between Donald Trump and Santa Clause?
Santa stops after 3 h**...'s.
How old is Santa Claus?
The same age as your father.
Little Johnny
A teacher in Sunday school once asked Little Johnny, "Johnny, do you believe in the Devil?"
"No," said Little Johnny knowledgeably. "It's just like with Santa Claus. I know it's really my dad."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between Santa Clause and a p**...?
Nothing, they both like to unload their sacks while pleasuring children.
The U.S. instituted a new law after a man dressed as Santa committed a felony.
It was called the Santa Clause.
What happens when you cross Santa Claus with five shots of tequila?
Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.
What does Santa Claus drink to get drunk?
A polar beer.
Why does Santa Claus have blueballs?
Because he only comes once a year
An honest politician, a hard-working civil servant and Santa Claus find a 100 dollar bill.
Who gets to keep it?
Santa does, the other two are creatures of myth and legend.
A little boy asks a dealer in an alley dressed like Santa Claus,
"Santa, how do your reindeer fly?"
He replies, "With magic, of course!-
You want some magic?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who is Santa Claus?
Because if in Spanish, "Santo" or "San" is used for male saints...
(San Francisco, San Diego)
And "Santa" is used for female saints...
(Santa Monica, Santa Barbara)
Wouldn't that make Santa Claus t**...?
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**..., h**..., h**..., Merry Christmas!
This is what Santa Clause says when he sees your wife, mother and sister together in the same room.
Perfect Man, Perfect Woman, and Santa Claus are in a car.
The car goes out of control and crashes into the side of a building, only one survives, who is it?
The Perfect woman survived because the perfect man and Santa Claus aren't real.
Still, just goes to show that even the perfect woman can't drive.
Who is the most cosplayed character?
Santa Claus
What do you call a father that still believes in Santa Claus?
A Feliz Naive-dad.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My childhood memories of Christmas are dominated by the time I sneaked downstairs one Christmas Eve and heard my mother telling Father Christmas that he was a fat, lazy, good for nothing drunken slob...
I saw mommy dissing Santa Claus...
Why did Santa Claus go to the podiatrist?
He thought he had mistletoe.
