Santa Claus Jokes

I saw Santa Claus having s**... with my mom. To get him back, I poisoned the cookies.

It turns out that Santa knew I would do this and killed my dad.

Christmas always s**... when I was a kid...

I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.

I was chatting with my Finnish friend the other day...

I asked him where his favorite part of Finland was.
He said "Hyvä kysymys! I really like Rovaniemi for the Santa Claus Village!"
I asked him "Hyvä kysymys? What's that?"
All he said was "Good question!"
It's been a week and he still hasn't told me what it means.
(I'm learning Finnish, this joke has likely been done before with a different language, haven't seen it here yet)
edit: fingers added a letter, got it fixed

Little Johnny's dad asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees...

Little Johnny claps his hands over his ears and says, "I don't wanna hear anymore! First you tell me there's no Santa Claus, and then there's no Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy either. If you're about to tell me grown ups don't have s**..., I got nothin' to believe in anymore!"

When I was a kid, my parents fed me a lot of b**..., like believing in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. But I finally started thinking for myself and realized it was all wishful thinking.

Thank you Jesus!

In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...

"Because they make the toys."

Why is Santa Claus always a man?

Because no woman will wear same dress year after year for same occasion.

What's the difference between Santa Claus and voter fraud?

One is a childish fantasy about getting what you want. The other has flying reindeer.

A child asked Santa Claus

How did your reindeer get their names?
Santa replied, I named them after memories, like pranced frolicking through the snow!
What about Donner? the child asked.
A shadow settled on Santa's face, and after a moment he began: The year was 1847, and snowfall had trapped us in the Sierra Nevada ….

Amazon is a lot like Santa Clause

It brings gifts to our homes, gets busy around christmas and is very eager for our cookies.

Santa Jingle…

He's making a list.
He's checking it twice.
Gonna find out who's naughty or nice.
Santa Claus is in violation of the General Data Protection Regulation (EU) 2016/679

The four stages of life, in Santa Clause terms.

1) You believe in Santa.
2) You don't believe in Santa.
3) You pretend to be Santa.
4) You look like Santa.

My drunk uncle is Santa Claus

He breaks into my house, drinks all the milk and snacks.. Then, he unloads his sack all over the living room.

A little boy wrote to Santa Claus...

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Please send me a sister." Santa Claus wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

Q: What is the difference between tiger woods and Santa Claus?

A: Santa stops after three hos.

Two boys were walking home from church after hearing a strong preaching on the devil...

One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad"

I remember laying in bed as a child waiting for Santa Claus to come....

Then there was always that awkward silence afterwards as he put his pants on and left.

How come chinese kids dont belive in santa claus?

Because they're the ones that make the toys.

Why is Santa Claus so jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live.
I actually heard this in the video game LA Noire. Thought it was pretty funny so I bust it out every Christmas.

Little Johnny and the Birds and the Bees

Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asks what's wrong.
"Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have s**..., I've got nothing left to believe in."

What did Mrs. Claus said when Santa Claus asked how is the weather?

"It looks like rain dear!"

An honest lawyer, a wealthy garbage collector, a teenage girl who's oblivious to what others think of her, and Santa Claus are in an elevator. Who's in the elevator?

Only Santa Claus, the other 3 don't exist.

Ladies! Please stop asking Santa Claus for the perfect man!

I almost got kidnapped 3 times today!

Santa Claus is such and a**...

He know where all the naughty girls are, but doesn't tell anyone else.....

What does Santa Claus and Jared from Subway have in common?

They both leave kid's homes with empty sacks.

Two prostitutes are discussing

one asks the other:
-What did you ask to Santa Claus this year?
the other one answers:
-Fifty dollars like everybody else

When my parents told me there was no Santa Claus I was so mad at them!

I stomped out the door, got in my car and drove away.

Christmas!!!

Q: Why dont Chinese people believe in Santa Claus.
A: Cuz they make the gifts....

Who is the odd one out between.... Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, Bill Cosby and the tooth fairy?

The Easter bunny, the rest only come when you are sleeping.

There were h**... talking...

Asked the one h**... the other: What do you ask from Santa Claus this year?

Oh, just 50 dollars, like always.

Why do some Jewish people believe in Santa Claus?

because he isreal

My brother pulled this one about his promiscuous dad today

What's the difference between dad and Santa Claus?
Santa Claus stops after 3 hos.

Steve Rogers gets into Santa Claus's automobile...

...and is immediately shot dead.
RIP Steve Rogers.
He was capped in a merry car.

Do you know why Santa Claus doesn't have any kids?

Because he only gets to come once a year and thats down a chimney.

How many reindeers does Santa Claus have?

Santa Claus has 10 reindeers according to the song.

>You know **Dasher** and **Dancer** and **Prancer** and **v**...**,
**Comet** and **Cupid** and **Donner** and **Blitzen**,
but do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?
**Rudolph** the Red-Nosed Reindeer, had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows.
**Olof** the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names

How do you know when Santa Claus is nearby ?

You can feel his presents ...

Santa Claus, a blind guy, and an honest corporate executive approach a dollar on the sidewalk. Who picks it up first?

None of them, because the blind guy wouldn't see it, and the other two don't exist.

I remember when I discovered Santa Claus was just my dad

I still don't know how he snuck out every year to deliver presents all over the world.

Santa Claus is a d**......

He made my wife sit on his lap, asked if she's been naughty this year then laughed and repeatedly called her a h**....

What does the Egyptian Santa Clause say when he enters a child's house?

I come bearing glyphs

Why does Santa Clause have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

911 - A Parody Of Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis
Over the hills we go, crashing into trees!
The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead,
I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh!
9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead!
Rudolph took a .44 and shot him in the head, oh!
Barbie Doll, Barbie Doll, tried to save his life,
But G.I. Joe from Mexico stabbed him with a knife!

A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and Santa Claus are playing a card game. Who wins?

The dumb blonde does. The other two don't exist.

Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asks what's wrong.
"Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have s**..., I've got nothing left to believe in."

What's Santa Claus's favorite band?

Sleigher

A good lawyer, the Tooth-fairy, Santa Claus, and a homeless man are walking down the street,

They see a 100$ bill, who gets it?
The homeless man obviously, the rest are mythical creatures

What did Santa Claus say when he heard Mrs Claus had been cheating on him?

h**... h**... h**...

How does Santa Claus remember which chimneys he's been down?

He keeps a log

Bill Cosby is like Santa Claus

He comes while you're asleep.

What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

Santa stops at three h**....
(sorry if repost)

Why don't kids in China believe in Santa Claus?

They make the toys.

I punched the mall Santa Clause in the face

He called my daughter a h**...'. 3 times!

A lady goes to a tattoo parlor and gets a tattoo of a turkey on her left thigh.

A week later she gets a tattoo of Santa Claus on her right thigh. The artist asked what's the significance. she replies turkey is for Thanksgiving, Santa is for Christmas. My husband complains there is nothing to eat in between Thanksgiving and Christmas, now he can't complain

What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

Santa Claus stops after three h**...'s.
I don't claim... heard from a colleague of mine.

What's it called when someone is afraid of getting stuck in a chimney?

Santa Claustrophobia

When I was a kid, I used to believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy

Now that I've grown older, I don't believe in that nonsense any more, thank God.

A Smart Blonde, Big Foot and Santa Claus Jump From A Building. Who reaches the ground first?

No one, none of them exists.

Santa Claus came early!

Mrs. Claus wasn't too happy.

What's the difference between Santa Claus & Michael Jackson?

one comes when children dream & the other dreams of children coming*.

How is Bill Cosby like Santa Claus?

Neither will come unless you're asleep

TIL that there is a federal law that mandates more jail time be given for breaking and entering a home on a holiday.

It's called the Santa Clause

What style of potato chips does Santa Claus like best?

Kringle Cut

What is the legal loop hole in breaking and entering laws?

The Santa Clause

Claustrophobic?

Who would ever be scared of Santa Claus?

What do married men and Santa Claus have in common?

They only come once a year.