Santa Christmas Jokes

When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple kool-aid.

What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve? They go into town and blow a few bucks.

Mother: "Sweetie, make a Christmas wish."
Girl: "I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those n**... girls in papa's computer."

The Grinch steals Christmas from Santa, Chuck Norris steals Christmas from the Grinch.

Santa writes to Chuck Norris about what he wants for Christmas.

Q: What do you call Santa Claus with muscles?
A: Mr. XMass

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson!

What goes "oh oh oh"? Santa walking backwards.

How do you know when Santa's in the room? You can sense his presents.

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

Wanna meet Santa's little helper?

I know its not Christmas, but Santa's lap is always ready.

Two brothers on Christmas day

So there are two brothers, Jimmy and Timmy
They both run down stairs to see what Santa had brought them
The presents are divided into two piles, with Jimmy's pile being larger
Jimmy say, " Haha, my pile is bigger!"
Then Timmy says," Well, atleast I don't have cancer."

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor.

Asking the man in charge to put a picture of a turkey saying "Happy Thanksgiving!" on one thigh and a picture of Santa saying "Merry Christmas!" on the other. The man looked confused by her odd request, so he asked her why. She calmly looked at him and replied without even a stutter. "My husband always complains that there's nothing good to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving."

Latvian Christmas

Christmas Eve father ask son what want christmas. Son say potato. Father say "Ok. Santa bring potato." Next day boy is learn Santa no exist.

Mall Santa

A Mall Santa is asking kids what they want for Christmas.
A little girl says, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."
Santa replies, "Doesn't Barbie come with Ken?"
"No silly. Barbie comes with G.I. Joe. She's only faking it with Ken."

Why is Santa Claus so jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live.
I actually heard this in the video game LA Noire. Thought it was pretty funny so I bust it out every Christmas.

Have you ever heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree?

Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union, half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease, and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in months. There he was, fuming with rage, when in walks The Angel, cheerful and bubbly as ever, and asks with a big smile,
"where should I put the Christmas tree, Santa?"

Christmas gift

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe; she fakes it with Ken."

A Man Asks Santa...

Man: "Can I have a dragon for Christmas?"
Santa: "Let's be realistic son."
Man: "How about a loyal girlfriend?"
Santa: "What color dragon do you want again?"

A Christmas Wish

Little Johnny wrote a letter to Santa,
Dear Santa Claus
Please send me a sister for Christmas

Santa wrote back,
Dear Little Johnny
Please send me your mother

Santa is visiting the local mall...

And an eight year old girl is sitting on his lap when he asks: "What do you want for christmas little girl?"
"All the girls in my class have hair down there, I want it too! Can you give me some hair santa? I want to be like the rest of the girls"
On which he replies: "How about a beard?"

Santa was having a really bad day....

Everything was going wrong. The elves were looking for a raise, Rudolph was sick, Mrs Clause was in a foul mood. So the Angel arrived at the door dragging a Christmas tree he asked Santa, what will I do with the tree ?
And that is why you will always find an Angel sitting on top of the Christmas tree.

Why Santa got involved with Christmas

Mrs. Clause overheard Santa on the phone:
Santa: Have you been naughty? ….That actually sounds nice. You can sit on my lap and tell me what you want while those wet stockings dry ….. I want to (come) down your chimney and eat your (cookie). What kind of (toys) should I bring?…. Yes, I'd love to see how you trimmed your (fir) … I just want to unload my (sack) when I see an angel on top.
Now, every year he has to keep doing the b**... lie he told.

Santa and his reindeer c**... and land in the mountains, they are starting to starve and decide they have to resort to cannibalism.

Who do they eat first?
Answer: Donner!

A little girl writes a Christmas letter to Santa

"Dear Santa, I want a fur coat and a scarf for Christmas." She goes to the post office and sends the letter. Next day the postman reads the letter and decides to give the girl a scarf for christmas. After christmas the postman gets another letter: " Santa, thanks for the scarf, but i bet the mailman took the coat!"

A lady goes to a tattoo parlor and gets a tattoo of a turkey on her left thigh.

A week later she gets a tattoo of Santa Claus on her right thigh. The artist asked what's the significance. she replies turkey is for Thanksgiving, Santa is for Christmas. My husband complains there is nothing to eat in between Thanksgiving and Christmas, now he can't complain

How did the Santa Lawn Ornament feel the day after Christmas?

He was de-lighted.

I remember as a child, lying awake at night on Christmas Eve waiting for Santa to come...

...then there was always that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

A woman was telling Santa what she wanted from christmas...

She said "Santa, this year for Christmas I'd only like two things. The first a slim body, and the second a big fat bank account....
"Please don't mix them up like last year."

Why was Santa sacked two days before Christmas?

Elf and safety

Why was Santa upset he got a sweater for Christmas?

Because he wanted a screamer of a moaner.

How does father Christmas get away with suing everyone?

The Santa Clause

Why are steam trains naughty around Christmas?

They're hoping Santa will give them a lump of coal.

I asked Santa for something to wear and something to play with...

He brought me a pair of trousers with holes in the pockets.
Merry Christmas everyone!

A man with a phobia of old men files a complaint about Santa...

He didn't like his Christmas presence...

Get a brother

A little kids sends a letter to Santa that says: "Dear Santa I want a brother for Christmas." Santa writes back, "Dear Timmy send me me your mommy."

A boy is asking santa for a heavy sweater for christmas present

so santa send him a sumo wrestler

Christmas always s**... when I was a kid...

I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.

How to get out of buying your kids Christmas presents

Explain to them that due to Global Warming that the North Pole melted and that Santa and the reindeer drowned.

An Australian Christmas

Australian Santa: What would you like for Christmas little girl?
Girl: A Barbie
**girl wakes up to find a Broil King bbq under the tree**

What does Santa say when he meets your wife, your sister and your mother?

h**... h**... h**..., Merry Christmas!

Santa: What do you want for Christmas?

Me: a dragon!
Santa: noo, be realistic
Me: a girlfriend
Santa: * cough * what color do you want your girlfriend?

Dear Santa, Last year you gave me a sweater for Christmas.

This year I would prefer a Moaner or a Screamer.

A boy opens up his presents under the Christmas tree

With disappointment he exclaims, "Santa s**... he didn't get me the Xbox I wanted instead he got me a s**... sweater."
Father:"Now, now son, you should feel lucky to have that sweater. There are kids around the world who need that sweater more than they need than the Xbox I accidentally sent out."

How does Santa navigate on Christmas?

He uses a snowglobe!

If you wake up on Christmas morning with a bad taste in your mouth

Remember, Santa only comes around once a year to empty his sack.

Don't worry if a fat guy comes to kidnap you...

I told Santa all I want for Christmas is you.

Why is Santa so jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

A man goes through 4 phases when its christmas in his life.

Kid - he believes in santa
Teenager - he stopped believing in santa
Dad - he is santa
Granddad - he looks like santa

Santa is not the only one receiving letters this christmas; Satan gets letters too...

...but only from dyslexic children

What do you call an incomplete Christmas sentence?

A santa clause.

For Christmas this year, I decided to go all out and ask Santa for something black and shiny and will go 0 to 300 in 2 seconds.

I got a scale.

Santa was late delivering presents on Christmas because his reindeer needed so many coffee breaks

They were all star bucks

Who delivers presents to sharks on Christmas?

Santa Jaws

h**..., h**..., h**..., Merry Christmas!

This is what Santa Clause says when he sees your wife, mother and sister together in the same room.

I just found out that Santa Clause raises livestock in between Christmas...

I guess you could call him a Jolly Rancher

Why does Santa always get sick on Christmas?

Because he's always coming down with something

Santa-Barbara. Santa Barbara. Santa, Barbara...

its not a matter of pronounciation
its the reason i filed for divorce on christmas morning.

What do the lady reindeer do while the men are out with Santa on Christmas Eve?

They all head down to the Elks club and blow a few bucks.

What do you call a raven that delivers Christmas Presents?

Santa Claws

I remember the Christmas I found out Santa wasn't real

I wish my parents has warned me because my kids were really disappointed christmas morning

"SANTA BEGONE!"

That's the last time I hire a dyslexic priest! Now my family can't celebrate Christmas and my daughter's possessed.

In London this Christmas one in 5 children will not get a gift from Santa

One in every 5 children will not have a Christmas dinner with their parents
One in every 5 children will not have a Christmas tree in their house
This is not a message from the Salvation Army or unicef for you to donate
One in every 5 kids in London is a Muslim and they don't celebrate Christmas

Why did the lawyer have to dress as Santa on his company's christmas party?

Because he didn't read the Santa Clause.

My childhood memories of Christmas are dominated by the time I sneaked downstairs one Christmas Eve and heard my mother telling Father Christmas that he was a fat, lazy, good for nothing drunken slob...

I saw mommy dissing Santa Claus...

Why is Christmas dinner at Santa's always a buffet?

Because it is elf-service

Santa comes to the White House....

Santa arrives at the White House and hands Donald Trump his Christmas present. Trump excitedly tears open his gift then looks up at Santa in shock. "What?", Santa exclaims. "I thought you LOVED coal.