sandpaper Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious sandpaper puns

When I was a kid, my family was very poor. My dad had to get a second job in the sandpaper factory.

Those were rough times.

^(Made that myself. I'm rather proud.)

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What do you call a piece of sandpaper in Syria?

A map.

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Pinocchio and his girlfriend were having problems.

Every time they would have sex, she would complain about splinters. Eventually, Pinocchio went to Gepetto for help.

Gepetto told Pinocchio to go to the hardware store and buy some sandpaper to sand off the splinters before he had sex with his girlfriend.

A week later, Gepetto asked Pinocchio, "So how's it going with your girlfriend?"

"Who needs a girlfriend?," said Pinnochio.

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Yesterday I lost 100 sheets of sandpaper...

But I have a rough idea where they are

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My dog can speak English.

My dog can speak English.
When I ask him how his day was, he says "rough!"
When I ask him what sandpaper feels like he says "rough!"
When I ask him where my golf ball went he says "rough!"
And when I ask him how aggressively he likes to play he says "I prefer to minimize the chance of injury"

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Why do Arabs carry sandpaper everywhere?

Because they need a map.

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Pinocchio has been getting complaints from his girlfriend....

Pinnochio had been getting complaints from his girlfriend. "Every time we make love," she said, "I get splinters. "
So
Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the carpenter, for advice.
"Sandpaper," said the carpenter. "That's what you need. " So
Pinocchio took some sheets of sandpaper and went home. A few weeks later the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again. "How are you getting on with the girls now? " he asked. "Who needs girls? " said
Pinocchio."

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A guy takes his talking dog to a talent scout.

This dog can speak English, he claims to the unimpressed agent. Okay, Sport, the guys says to the dog, what's on the top of a house?

Roof! the dog replies.

Oh, come on… the talent agent responds. All dogs go 'roof'.

No, wait, the guy says. He asks the dog, What does sandpaper feel like?

Rough! the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. No, hang on, the guy says. This one will amaze you. He turns and asks the dog, Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?

Ruth! goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.

The dog turns to the guy and says, Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?

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Sandpaper

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.

Gosh, I only intended to rough him up a bit.

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What does a blind person say when you give them sandpaper?

"Well that's really tiny writing!"

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A man and his dog walk into a bar...

...The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."

Man: "What covers a house?"

Dog: "Roof!"

Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: "Rough!"

Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"

Dog: "Ruth!"

Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"

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A man brings his talking dog into the bar...

The bartender quickly tells him that no dogs are allowed.

The man says, "But sir, this is a talking dog. If i can prove that he can talk, will you let him stay?"

The bartender reluctantly agrees.

The man looks at his dog and says, "what's on top of your dog house?"

The dog says, "Roof!"

The bartender crosses his arms, annoyed.

The man says, "What does sandpaper feel like?"

The dog says, "Rough!"

The bartender is annoyed, but gives him one more shot.

The man says "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

The dog barks, "Ruth!"

The bartender is furious at the man for trying to trick him and kicks them both out.

The man gets really angry and kicks his dog.

The dog looks up at him and says "what, do you think Sammy Sosa was better?"

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... Or was it Hank Aaron.

A man and a dog walk into a bar. The man walks up to the bartender and bets him $20.00 that his dog can talk. The bartender is interested so he takes the bet. The man turns to the dog and asks what the top of a house is called. "Roof!" barks the dog. "How does sandpaper feel?" asks the man. "Rough!" responds the dog. "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" the man asks. "Ruth!" the dog says. At this point the bartender is livid so he kicks both of them out and keeps the twenty dollars. Later they're both sitting on the corner and the dog turns to his master and says "Was it Mantle?"

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What do you call sandpaper in Iraq?

A map.

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Pinnochio has a big frown on his face...

Pinocchio has a big frown on his face and Gepetto asks him what's wrong. Pinocchio tell him that his girlfriend has stopped having sex with him on account of the splinters she keeps getting. Gepetto thinks about this for a little while and comes up with an idea. He hands Pinocchio a sheet of sandpaper and tells him that he can use it to get rid of splinters.

The next day, Pinocchio walks in with a huge smile on his face.

Gepetto notices and asks "Did your girlfriend like the new, smoother you?"

Pinocchio responds "Who needs a girlfriend?"

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Ruth! (not sure if repost)

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what's on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go 'roof'." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

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Woman are like sandpaper

Only useful when rubbed on my wood

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A man goes into a casting agents office

with his dog. The man says, "My dog can talk, you gotta give us a contract. We'll make millions!"

The agent says "Show me."

The man asks the dog "How does sandpaper feel?"

The Dog says "Rough!"

The man asks "Who is the best baseball player ever?"

The Dog says "Roof!" (babe ruth)

The agent says "Get out of here!" He has his goons throw the man and his dog out the front door.

The dog says "Gee, maybe I should have said DiMaggio"

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A few years ago, I had a friend who was struggling with some mental health issues.

A few years ago, I had a friend who was struggling with some mental health issues. She once admitted to me that she was self harming, and even went so far as shoving pieces of sandpaper inside her vagina until she bled.

I told her it would be okay and things would get better, it was just a bit of a rough period for her.

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On a street corner a man held a sign saying, "SEE THE TALKING DOG. $5"

A woman approached him and asked if the dog could really talk.

"Yes indeed!" replied the owner. The woman handed over $5, and the owner began asking his dog questions.

"Okay, boy. How does sandpaper feel?"

"Rough!" answered the dog.

The owner then asked, "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

"Ruth!" answered the dog.

The woman snatched back her $5 and complained, "This is such a scam!" and stormed off.

The dog turned to his owner and said, "Should I have said Joe DiMaggio?"

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Bob didn't believe that Fred's dog could talk

So Fred asked his dog, What's on top of a house?

Roof, the dog barked.

Bob wasn't convinced. So Fred asked the dog how sandpaper feels.

Rough.

He still wasn't convinced.

O.K., who was the greatest baseball player of all time? Fred asked the dog.

Ruth.

With that, Bob walked away, shaking his head in disbelief. The dog turned to Fred and asked: Was it Hank Aaron?

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I'm not addicted to sandpaper...

I just need a little something to take the edge off.

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What did the dog say when it sat on a piece of sandpaper?

Ruff!

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My mum walked in on me smoking sandpaper...

She said "what the fuck are you doing?" in complete bewilderment.

I replied "It's just something to take the edge away."

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I told my friend that I have a talking dog...

I told my friend that I have a talking dog. He didn't believe me and asked me to prove it.


So I asked my dog, "Hey doggie, what texture does sandpaper have?"


My talking dog replied, "Ruff. Ruff."


My friend replied, "That's just him barking, that's not real talking."


Then I asked my dog, "Hey doggie, what if on top of our house?"


My dog relied, "Roof. Roof."


My friend, once again, said, "That's just barking, not talking."


Then I asked my dog a third question, "Hey doggie, what Yankees baseball player wore number 3 and was called the Great Bambino?"


My dog then replied, "I don't watch baseball you fucking nerd."

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Excessive Skepticism

A guy and his dog go into a barroom. The bartender says, "Hey, get that dog out of here... we don't allow dogs in here."

Wait a minute, the guy says, "This is no ordinary dog ! This is 'Plato' the talking dog !" "Yeah, sure" says the bartender.

I'll prove it to you," says the guy. "Plato... what's on top of a building?"

"ROOF !" says the dog.

"Look," says the bartender, "just how dumb do you think I am?"

"Wait a minute," says the guy. "Plato, how does sandpaper feel?"

"RUFF !" says the dog.

"Do I have 'stupid' tattooed across my forehead or something," says the bartender. "Now get that dog out of here! "

"Wait.. I'm not through", says the guy. "Plato, who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "RUTH !" says the dog.

"That does it !! " says the bartender, and he throws them both out on the street.

Outside, the dog looks at his owner and says, "Do you think I should have gone with DiMaggio?"

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What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?

Rough

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When I was a kid the school bully used to rub my head against some sandpaper

I was no match for him

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PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend...

....who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little
sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"

Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

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I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

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There was woman who lived on the street I grew up on everyone called the crazy cat lady, she didn't have any cats...

but her tongue felt like sandpaper when she liked your balls.

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Pinocchio is having issues in bed.

He goes to his doctor, and says his girlfriend is complaining about splinters. The doctor tells him to apply some sandpaper to his junk and see if that helps.

A week later the doc sees Pinocchio skipping down the street and asks how his girlfriend is doing.

"Who needs a girlfriend?"

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What do you call sandpaper on fire?

Bernie Sanders

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When I was at school, the school bully used to make me rub my head against a giant piece of sandpaper.

I was no match for him.

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What did the dog say when he bit the sandpaper?

Nothing. He just grit his teeth.

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What are the most funny Sandpaper jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Sandpaper? Well, here are the best Sandpaper dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Sandpaper pick up lines to share with friends.

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