Sample Jokes

Following is our collection of Sample funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include dirty puns, clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best Sample jokes

My stats professor told me that the larger the sample size the more trustworthy the data.

I guess the N's justify the means.

A man goes to the hospital to see if he has diabetes.

Once he arrives, a nurse asks him for a urine sample. He complies, and moments later, the nurse comes back into the room with the results.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we've found high traces of glucose in your urine. You're diabetic." She says.

Disappointed, the man manages to reply, "Well, I'm still very thankful for your help today, nurse."

"Sure thing, sweet pee."

I just found out sperm banks pay for your sample....

To think I've let all that money slip through my fingers.

An old man doesn't feel well...

So he and his wife go to the doctors office. When they meet with the doctor he says "We need to do a full workup and run some tests. I'm going to need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample". The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and says "eh?". His wife just rolls her eyes and says "Frank, just give him your underwear!"

Computer diagnosis

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:


1. Your tap water is too hard.

2. Get a water softener.

3. Your dog has ringworm.

4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

5. Your daughter is using cocaine.

6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better.

Two guys are playing tennis.

After they finish their game, one turns to the other and tells his friend his elbow really hurts. His friend tells him to go down to the local pharmacy. At the pharmacy they have a machine where you put in $5 and a urine sample, and the machine will tell you what's wrong and how to cure it. The friend is astonished so he goes down. He puts in the $5 and a urine sample and the machine prints out a little sheet of paper. On the paper it says: You have tennis elbow, rest your elbow, stay away from strenuous activity, and it should go away. This guy is amazed. He drives home quickly, thinking he can test the machine. So, he grabs a big glass. He puts some tap water in, gets his wife and daughter to pee in it, and just for fun he masturbates into it. He goes back down puts in $5 and the sample. A large list prints out. It says: You have hard water get, a water softener, your daughter is addicted to heroin, get her into rehab, your wife is cheating on you, get a lawyer, and if you don't quit masturbating your tennis elbow is never going to go away.

A masked man walks into a sperm bank with a gun.

He points the gun at the receptionist and tells her to open the safe. She says: but you don't understand. This is not a normal bank. This is a sperm bank. The man says: I know exactly what this is. Now open a sample and swallow the whole thing. The woman opens one and swallows it all. The man then takes off his mask. It is her husband. She screams at him: I can't believe it. It's you. Why are you doing this? He gets close to her and says: you see??? It didn't kill you to swallow it. Did it?

My DNA results came back 39% German, 27% Irish, 19% Beagle and 15% Pug.

Turns out my dog licked my sample.

Two German soccer players go to a sperm bank..

The nurse there tells them that she can only take samples from one of them. Since they are both very strong men, she comes to a conclusion and tells them "I'll take a sample from the fastest runner"

This is alarming to the two German's, both of them being completely exhausted from the previous days game. After discussing it for a while, they decide to inform the nurse

"I don't think we're ready to compete for the cup...

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world.

In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple:

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark" Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia"

"Very well son, come in."

Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?"

"It's Matthew"

Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?"

"Cocaine from Bolivia"

"Very well son, come in."

At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?"

"It's John"

Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?"

"Crack from New York"

"Very well son, come in."

Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?"

"It's Judas"

Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?"

"FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"

Tests

Two guys were crying in front of a hospital when they meet a common friend of theirs. The friend asked them why they were crying.

First guy: I was here for a blood test and they cut my finger for blood sample.

The friend said it's perfectly natural and thats how they take a sample. The second guy immediately started crying harder then before. The friend got confused and asked him what happened.

Second guy: I'm here for urine test.

A farmer once bought some ammonium nitrate fertilizer, but it smelled weird,

so he put a sample in a pan and brought it to the nearest USDA branch. A security guard saw the pan full of fertilizer and yelled "bomb", but it was just panned ammonium

An elderly, married couple walks into a hospital.

The doctor says to the old man, 'I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample.'
The old man says, 'What?' So the doctor says it again. Once again the deaf old codger says, What?'
So the doctor yells it: 'I NEED A URINE SAMPLE A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!'
With that the old man's wife turns to her doddery husband and says, 'He needs a pair of your underwear'.

My doctor asked me for a urine sample and a stool sample.

So I gave him my underwear.

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come in."

Another soft knock is heard.

"Who is it?"

"It's Matthew."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Matthew?"

"Cocaine from Bolivia."

"Very well son, come in."

At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?"

"It's John."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring John?"

"Crack from New York."

"Very well son, come in."

Someone starts pounding on the door.

"Who is it?"

"It's Judas!"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Judas?"

"FREEZE! THIS IS THE DEA!"

An elderly couple go to the doctor......

for the husbands annual physical. The husband is hard of hearing and he and the wife sit at the doctors desk after his exam. The doctor starts talking and tells the husband he is ordering some tests, and he'll need to provide a urine sample, a stool sample, and a blood sample.
The husband looks over to his wife and asks: "what did he just say?" The wife replies "give him your underwear".

Come To Me

Two women walked into a department store, stopped at the perfume counter and picked up a sample bottle. One woman sprayed the perfume on her wrist and smelled it. "That's nice, isn't it?" She said waving her
arm under her friend's nose. "Yeah, what's it called?" "Viens a moi." "Viens a moi? What's that mean?" A clerk offered some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'" The woman took another sniff. "That doesn't smell like come to me," she said, offering her arm to her friend again. "Does that smell like come to you?"

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

What do you call a random selection of sailors?

A seamen sample


Sorry, I Can't do That!

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's window and says,

"Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."

"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

A policeman pulls over a driver...

for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
I can't do that, officer.

Why not?

Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.

Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.

Can't do that either, officer.

Why not?

Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.

Alright, we could get a blood sample.

Can't do that either, officer.

Why not?

Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.

Fine then, just walk this white line.

Can't do that either, officer.

Why not?

Because I'm drunk.

Check-up

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

Christian Drugs.

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in."

Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."

At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."

Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"

In statistics, a larger sample size results in more reliable averages.

The Ns justify the means.

Are you a Carbon sample?

Because I want to *date* you.

Dads favorite medical school joke.

Medical students were attending their 1st biochemistry class. They all gathered around the Lab table with a urine sample. The professor dip his finger in urine & tasted it in his own mouth.  Then he asked the students to do the same. The students hesitated for several minutes, but at last every one dipped their finger in urine sample & tasted it.... When everyone finished, the professor looked at them & said: The most important quality is 'Observation'.  I dipped my MIDDLE Finger but tasted the INDEX Finger. Today you just learn, how to pay attention.

What's the first step in getting accepted to carpentry school?

Submitting a stool sample.

Why shouldn't you share your food with a statistician?

Because they always want a large sample

A few years ago I had a vasectomy

A few years ago I had a vasectomy. A few weeks after the procedure I received a letter, accompanied by a sample pot, stating that I needed to provide a sperm sample and bring it in to them to prove the operation worked. At work, later that day, I snuck off to the bathroom and produced my sperm sample into the pot, screwed up the lid, and put the pot in my shirt pocket. The hospital wasn't far so I decided to take the 5 minute run over there on my lunch break. As I arrived at the front desk I noticed the pot lid has come loose and my sample has gone all over me. The nurse politely says to me 'sorry sir, you're going to have to come again.'

Jesus and Drugs

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in."
Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."
At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."
Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"

What's the difference between a doctor and a chair salesman?

The chair salesman gives YOU a stool sample.

The local sperm bank is paying £100 per sample.

Think of all that money you let slip through your fingers.

My doctor just thanked me for submitting the minimum amount of feces for my stool sample.

I told him it was the least I could doo.

What did he say???

Old Frank has a doctor's appointment for a checkup, but his hearing is bad so his wife Loretta goes with him.

"I'm going to check your blood pressure, Frank," the doctor says.
"What did he say?"; Frank asked Loretta.
"Your blood pressure, Frank!" she yelled in his ear, "He wants to check your blood pressure!"

"Now I'm going to listen to your heart, Frank," the doctor said.
"What did he say?" Frank asked Loretta.
"Your heart, Frank, he wants to listen to your heart!" she yells in his ear.

"Okay, Frank, now I need a urine sample and a fecal sample, " the doctor said.
"What did he say?" Frank asked Loretta.
"Your shorts, Frank! He wants your shorts!"

At The Nikon Headquarters

We need random people in a room to test and sample our new lenses

"A focus group?"

DAMMIT JOHNSON THIS IS NO TIME FOR JOKES

What do you call it when you are studying bacteria and someone steals your sample?

Cultural appropriation.

pair of your underwear

A doctor tells an old couple at his office he needs to get a stool sample, a urine sample, and a blood test from the old man.


Hard of hearing, the old man asks his wife what the doctor said.


The wife replies, "He needs a pair of your underwear."

MY first physical

being 50 years old and having never had a physical the doctor wanted a complete work-up, so he says to me "we'll need a blood, urine,sperm, and stool sample" I threw him the underwear I was wearing and told him to "take whatever you need"

When my wife goes out shopping she like to sample things before purchasing.

She is buy-curious.

An old man and his wife go to the doctor...

After the examination the doctor says, "OK sir we just need to get a urine sample, stool sample, blood sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, hard of hearing, turns to his wife, "What'd he say?"

The woman says, "give him your underwear"

A man goes to the doctor for a urine test.

The doctor performs the test and tells him that he has Diabetes. The man doesn't believe this and tells the doctor he wants to retake the test. The doctor complies, but the test results remained the same. The man returns home and plans to confuse the doctor by mixing his urine with that of his wife and daughter and adds some of his car oil. The doctor examines the sample and comes out to tell the man:"Your wife is cheating on you, your daughter is pregnant, your car needs an oil change, and you still have diabetes. "

I think I drink too much.

The last time I gave a urine sample, there was an olive in it.

A man once became addicted to cocaine from foreign countries. He spent all his money to travel and sample the evil drug in all parts of the world.

Thankfully, he stopped once he hit the Finnish line.

An 80 year old man goes to the doctor

The doctor tells him that he needs a sperm sample. He hands the old man a small jar and tells him to bring it back the next day. However, it's empty when he returns it. The doctor says, "Hey, I told you I needed to take a sperm sample" to which the old man replied "Well doc, I tried, I really did. I couldn't do it, so I called my wife, and she couldn't do it. She suggested that we try out neighbors, but they were no help, so they called up their daughter in Wyoming to come over to try. She wasn't able to either. We thought that maybe we had to all try at the same time, but it didn't work. Guess some jars are just impossible to open."

I went to a store and there was a sample table on display with depleted batteries:

Needless to say, they were free of charge.

A wife went with her husband to his doctors appointment...

Doctor: I'm gonna need a urine and stool sample.


Wife (to husband): Just give him your underwear honey!!!

My doctor said he needed a stool sample from me.

The timing was perfect. I was about to go to Ikea anyway

What's a carpenter's prototype of a bar seat called?

A stool sample.

Is your normal probability plot approximately linear?

Cause you can distribute your sample over me

An old married couple go to the hospital

And as they are getting checked in the doctor says to the old man,

"I need a stool sample, a urine sample, and a blood sample."

The old man being hard of hearing says, "what'd you say?"

and his wife replies, "He said they need to see your underware."

New Cologne

My son told me this.

Tesla is offering a sample of their new cologne when you go to their show rooms.

It is called Elon Musk

Imagine if Samsung and Apple came together to build a phone. What would it be called?

Sample

The elbow

A man is complaining to his friend: "My elbow really hurts. I think I need to see a doctor." His friend answers: "Dude, this is 2012, in the supermarket they have a new computer that can diagnose much faster and cheaper. Just place a urine sample in the machine and it says what's wrong, and that only for $1!"

The man decides to take a shot, fills a glass with urine, goes to the supermarket, finds the computer and pours his urine into the computer. Immediately a small paper is printed and comes out of the computer: "TENNIS ELBOW. Keep your arm warm for a few days and avoid heavy lifting. In two weeks you'll be better."

The former scriptkiddie is impressed and decides to see if he can confuse the computer. He mixes dishwashing water with diarrhea from his dog, together with some urine from his wife and daughter. To finish it he masturbates and drops his sperm into the cup and mixes everything again.

when he arrives in the supermarked he drops his mixture into the computer. The computer spits out a little less small paper: "Your tap water contains too much calcium, buy softener. Your dog has parasites, give him medicines. Your daughter smokes marihuana, speak with her. Your wife is pregnant and you're not the father, get yourself a good lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better!

What did the radioactive sample say to the other radioactive sample?

IDK.

What do you call it when you sit on a high chair to see if you want to buy it?

A stool sample.

I went to the doctor today. He ask for a stool and urine sample.

I told him I would leave him my underwear

I conducted a COVID-19 survey by checking in on all the tinder matches I accumulated over the years.

Although my sample size may be insufficient, the results of the survey are devastating and tragic.

May they all rest in peace.

A driver was swerving all over the road...

... then was pulled over by a police officer. The police officer knocked on the door and said,

"Sir, please blow into this machine"

"Sorry officer, I can't"

"Why not?"

"Because I have asthma, and it might trigger an asthma attack"

"Okay, could we get a blood sample then?"

"Sorry officer, I can't"

"Why not?"

"Because I have diabetes, and it might upset my blood sugar level"

"Okay, then just step outside your car and walk in a straight line"

"Sorry officer, I can't"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk"

There is a new machine for testing your sperm count at home

Maybe I could use it to check my daughter's saliva sample

Why did the doctor go the furniture store?

Because he needed a stool sample.

Sent my stool sample to the lab today...

...he just wagged his tail and asked for seconds.

A priest and a nun were visiting from Ireland to New York City one day...

And heard that in the US they eat dogs. The two decided that "when in Rome", so they took it upon themselves to find this cousine to sample. They were strolling through central park and heard someone yelling " dogs here, get yer dogs!" And found a hot dog cart vendor. They both ordered one each and sat down at a park bench to eat them. The nun unwrapped her dog first and took a look, then turned to the priest and asked, "which part of the dog did you get?"

You ladies who only use tampons should really give pads a try. I'll even send you a sample for free.

No strings attached

A doctor takes a pee sample from a patient

When he comes back in, he looks surprised and worried

Patient: Is there something wrong?

Doctor: Urine trouble, alright

An old man goes to the doctor...

...for his yearly physical, his wife tags along with him, The Doctor says: "I'll need a Urine sample, a Stool sample, and a Sperm sample." The old man being hard of hearing says: "What did he say? What's he want?" His wife replies: "He said he needs your underwear."

A man goes in for his annual physical...

...and gets called into the examination room. The doctor looks at his chart and tells him, "Okay, I'm going to need a urine, stool and sperm sample."

The man looks at his watch and says, "Geez doc, I'm in kind of a hurry. Can I just leave you my underwear?"

When Apple collab with Samsung, their product won't last long

Because they're just Sample

I wanted to learn more about my ancestry so I registered with a company online and sent them my DNA sample

Two weeks later I got a letter saying the sample cup was for saliva.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes