salmon Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious salmon puns

People say smoking will give you diseases.

What they don't know is that it cures salmon.

👍🏼

Everyone tells you that smoking will kill you

What they don't tell you is that it cures salmon

👍🏼

I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you...

I feel fine and I just had a really tasty leg of salmon...

👍🏼

Smoking is a scientific wonder!

It kills people, but cures salmon.

👍🏼

If smoking is so bad for you

How come it cures salmon?

👍🏼

A lion goes into a restaurant

He sits down, and starts looking through the menu. After a while, the waiter comes over.
"What would you like to drink, sir?" Asked the waiter.
"A glass of the house wine please." The lion responds.
"Excellent choice sir! Might I recommend the Salmon for the starter?"
"Sounds delicious!"
"And what can I get you for your main?"
"Oh, just a comb."

👍🏼

A Salmon under his arm

Man walks into a fish shop with a salmon under his arm and says to the fishmonger "You got any fishcakes mate?". The fishmonger replies "Course we do mate, it's a fish shop!". "GREAT" replies the man pointing to his salmon "It's his BIRTHDAY!"

👍🏼

A man walks into the bakers...

A man walks into the bakers with a salmon under his arm. He asks the woman behind the counter "Excuse me, do you serve fish cakes?"

The woman replies, "Of course we don't!"

The man points to the fish and shouts - "Well what am I supposed to do?! Its his birthday!"

👍🏼

Fish Cakes

A guy walks into a bar with a Salmon under his arm and says, "Do you sell fish cakes here?"

Bartender: No we don't.

Guy: That's a shame... it's his birthday.

👍🏼

What do you get when you put nutella on salmon?

You get salmonella.

Hahahaha...pew pew pew...haha...*begins sobbing*

👍🏼

What happens when you put Nutella on Salmon?

You get salmonella
Sorry if it's a repost. My friends just told me it:)

👍🏼

What happens when you put Nutella on salmon?

You got salmonella

👍🏼

I'm like a salmon swimming upstream...

I'm horny and ready to die

👍🏼

How to carve a fish.

In the 70's in Scotland, there was a TV show called 'Weirs Way', where a man called Jim Weir would walk around the highlands, chatting with local characters.

One episode, he met an old man who carved elaborate walking sticks. Jim picked up a stick that had a beautiful leaping salmon for a handle, and said to the old man, "So tell me Archie, how would you go about carving something as intricate as this?"

The old man looked up from his workbench and said, "Well, it's surprisingly simple, Jim. First you take a piece of wood, then you just cut off all the bits that don't look like a fish".

👍🏼

What do you call a salmon that's wearing a tie?

Sofishticated

👍🏼

What happens when you put Nutella on salmon?

You get salmonella.

👍🏼

A salmon walks into a vegetarian restaurant

And the waiter says, Sorry, we don't serve fish.

👍🏼

My other half and I went to a restaurant.

I said to the waitress, "Can I have the lemon grilled salmon?"

"Do you want anything on the side?"

I said, "I can't answer that with my wife sitting next to me."

👍🏼

Everybody says smoking will kill you

What don't tell you is that it cures salmon

👍🏼

Tracking efficiency in dogs rises 300% when fed diets of salmon.

Give it a fish an' see

👍🏼

Why did the salmon cross the road?

Cuz it's fucking flooded.

👍🏼

A couple went out to eat ...

A couple went out to eat at a nice restaurant. The waiter came over to give them the specials of the night, "For our main courses, we have a nice roasted Salmon with a Cranberry-Mustard sauce or a tender Chicken fried steak." The lady replied that she'd have the salmon.

The waiter said, "Very good, madam. What about the vegetable?"

She said, "Oh, I'm sure he'll just order the Chicken Fried Steak."

👍🏼

Why don't salmon watch cable television?

They prefer streams.

👍🏼

Where does a salmon go to deposit a check?

To the river bank!

👍🏼

Why did the hipster salmon not get to breed?

He didnt use the main stream

👍🏼

A salmon is swimming up a river

A salmon is swimming up a river. It hits a wall. Dam.

👍🏼

Keeping up with the UK election

When Salmond lost his seat, I was there with a salmon sandwich.

When they wheeled out Edwina Currie, I tucked into the Tikka Masala.

Here's to hoping my boyfriend gets back before Ed Balls comes on.

👍🏼

Has anybody ever noticed that you can get salmonella from chicken...but not chickenmonella from salmon?

👍🏼

I found this cool charity that lets you donate brined salmon to those in need.

Lox of Love

👍🏼

I found this great charity that I can donate all my brined salmon to!

Lox of Love

👍🏼

What's pink, moist and smells fishy?

Salmon.

👍🏼

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

Salmon

👍🏼

What do you call a salmon that can produce twice as many eggs twice as quickly and normal?

A-fish-in-sea

👍🏼

Why did the salmon pray everyday?

Because he believed in cod.

👍🏼

I think I ate too much salmon over Christmas

I just tried to run up an escalator that was going down.

👍🏼

What are the most funny Salmon jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Salmon? Well, here are the best Salmon dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Salmon pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes