Salmon Jokes

People say smoking will give you diseases.

What they don't know is that it cures salmon.

Everyone tells you that smoking will kill you

What they don't tell you is that it cures salmon

I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you...

I feel fine and I just had a really tasty leg of salmon...

Smoking is a scientific wonder!

It kills people, but cures salmon.

If smoking is so bad for you

How come it cures salmon?

A lion goes into a restaurant

He sits down, and starts looking through the menu. After a while, the waiter comes over.
"What would you like to drink, sir?" Asked the waiter.
"A glass of the house wine please." The lion responds.
"Excellent choice sir! Might I recommend the Salmon for the starter?"
"Sounds delicious!"
"And what can I get you for your main?"
"Oh, just a comb."

A Salmon under his arm

Man walks into a fish shop with a salmon under his arm and says to the fishmonger "You got any fishcakes mate?". The fishmonger replies "Course we do mate, it's a fish shop!". "GREAT" replies the man pointing to his salmon "It's his BIRTHDAY!"

A man walks into the bakers...

A man walks into the bakers with a salmon under his arm. He asks the woman behind the counter "Excuse me, do you serve fish cakes?"

The woman replies, "Of course we don't!"

The man points to the fish and shouts - "Well what am I supposed to do?! Its his birthday!"

Fish Cakes

A guy walks into a bar with a Salmon under his arm and says, "Do you sell fish cakes here?"

Bartender: No we don't.

Guy: That's a shame... it's his birthday.

What do you get when you put nutella on salmon?

You get salmonella.

Hahahaha...pew pew pew...haha...*begins sobbing*

What happens when you put Nutella on Salmon?

You get salmonella
Sorry if it's a repost. My friends just told me it:)

What happens when you put Nutella on salmon?

You got salmonella

Me: I only got the bear essentials.

Wife: You mean bare essentials.

Me: *removes live salmon from mouth* I said what I said

How to carve a fish.

In the 70's in Scotland, there was a TV show called 'Weirs Way', where a man called Jim Weir would walk around the highlands, chatting with local characters.

One episode, he met an old man who carved elaborate walking sticks. Jim picked up a stick that had a beautiful leaping salmon for a handle, and said to the old man, "So tell me Archie, how would you go about carving something as intricate as this?"

The old man looked up from his workbench and said, "Well, it's surprisingly simple, Jim. First you take a piece of wood, then you just cut off all the bits that don't look like a fish".

Do you know what it's like to be a fish?

I don't, but Alaska Salmon.

What do you call a salmon that's wearing a tie?

Sofishticated

A salmon walks into a vegetarian restaurant

And the waiter says, Sorry, we don't serve fish.

People say smoking can cause diseases

But then how does it cure salmon?

My other half and I went to a restaurant.

I said to the waitress, "Can I have the lemon grilled salmon?"

"Do you want anything on the side?"

I said, "I can't answer that with my wife sitting next to me."

Tracking efficiency in dogs rises 300% when fed diets of salmon.

Give it a fish an' see

A couple went out to eat ...

A couple went out to eat at a nice restaurant. The waiter came over to give them the specials of the night, "For our main courses, we have a nice roasted Salmon with a Cranberry-Mustard sauce or a tender Chicken fried steak." The lady replied that she'd have the salmon.

The waiter said, "Very good, madam. What about the vegetable?"

She said, "Oh, I'm sure he'll just order the Chicken Fried Steak."

Why don't salmon watch cable television?

They prefer streams.

Where does a salmon go to deposit a check?

To the river bank!

Did you know that raw chicken gives you salmonella but...

Raw salmon doesn't give you chickenella?

Why did the hipster salmon not get to breed?

He didnt use the main stream

A salmon is swimming up a river

A salmon is swimming up a river. It hits a wall. Dam.

I have a pet fish that I named Ella.

She is a pretty fish, a salmon. I show her off to my friends and say This is Salmon Ella .

Has anybody ever noticed that you can get salmonella from chicken...but not chickenmonella from salmon?

I found this cool charity that lets you donate brined salmon to those in need.

Lox of Love

I found this great charity that I can donate all my brined salmon to!

Lox of Love

What's pink, moist and smells fishy?

Salmon.

They say smoking causes cancer

But it cures salmon

My neighbors came around the neighborhood this morning with flyers complaining about how someone stole their delivered dinner from their front stoop last night.

If you ask me, it feels like an overreaction for some poorly seasoned vegetables, overcooked salmon, and the lemon-tinged green beans, all of which had already gone cold anyway.

What do you call a salmon that can produce twice as many eggs twice as quickly and normal?

A-fish-in-sea

I think I ate too much salmon over Christmas

I just tried to run up an escalator that was going down.

Why did the salmon pray everyday?

Because he believed in cod.

How long did it take the fish to go to the store?

salmon or eight minutes.

Two young salmon are swimming along one day.

As they do, they are passed by an older, wiser fish, who greets them with "morning, boys, how's the water today?"

The other two continue to swim in silence for a little while, until the first one turns to the other and asks, "What the hell is water?"

What do you call a Salmon that sets a good example?

A roe model.

The salmon company got robbed.

Shoulda put lox on the doors

Why doesn't Meghan Trainor eat salmon?

Because she's all about that bass

What did the salmon say to the sperm whale after saving his life?

You're whalecum.

Sockeye salmon is okay...

...but barefootear bass is where it's at.

A Jamacian supermarket employee witnesses his coworker "Sal" commit murder

Cop: You witnessed the murder here today?

Jamacian guy: Yes mon I work here at the supermarket.

Cop: Well, did you see what happened?

Jamacian guy: Yes, it was Sal mon!

Cop: Sir we already know it happened in the fish department. I 'm asking if you know who did it. It's pronounced salmon by the way.

Jamacian guy: Sal MON!

Cop: NO IT'S SALMON!

A Grizzly has attacked a school! Four are dead!

Fortunately, the rest of the salmon are OK and are peacefully continuing upstream.

If the salmon come in on the salmon boat and the lobsters come in on the lobster boat, what boat do the crabs come in on?

The captain's dinghy

What did the salmon say when it hit the wall?

"Dam"

The U.S. declared that European nations are forbidden from fishing for caviar in the Carribean

This is known as the Salmon Roe Doctrine

We have collected gags that can be used as Salmon pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Salmon, here are one liners and funny Salmon pick up lines.

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