Salesman Jokes
172 salesman jokes and hilarious salesman puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about salesman that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you ready for a laugh? This article will have you in stitches with some of the funniest salesman jokes around! From the hilarious shopkeeper, to the outrageous vendor, this collection of jokes will have you rolling with laughter. Not to mention the classic bibles salesmen jokes that you know and love! Get ready to laugh with the best salesman jokes around!
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Funniest Salesman Short Jokes
Short salesman jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The salesman humour may include short salesperson jokes also.
- My first day as a car salesman... Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office? - You are what you think you are Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: So you're an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer 'international arms dealer'. - I used to work as a bed salesman One day this guy came in and started climbing into the beds and asking really specific questions. Then it hit me, he was an undercover cop.
- Latvian man goes to buy iPhone.. Premise ridiculous! iPhone cannot be use to farm potato.
Also, salesman die of malnourish. - Did you hear about the lady who fell in love with a ginger ale salesman? [original!] She was Schwepped off her feet
- Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish.... And a Bass Pro Shop salesman will eat for a lifetime.
- My wife didn't understand why the Umbrella salesman was being so vague. I had to remind her it's a shady business.
- Bought a Russian car... The salesman said it was the krem de la kremlin, but every time it's putin gear, it keeps stalin. My wife said, "Crimea river, I'm not lenin you my car!"
- Did you hear about the farmer whose wife left him for a traveling tractor salesman? She wrote him a John Deere letter.
- Donald Trump is such a good salesman he could sell ice to the Eskimos. Which will come in handy considering his policies on global warming.
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Salesman One Liners
Which salesman one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with salesman? I can suggest the ones about sales people and car dealer.
- What does the man with two left feet ask the shoe salesman? "Do you sell flip-flips?"
- I've always wanted to be a mirror salesman It's just something I could see myself doing
- What did the world's first hotcake salesman say? "SALES ARE UNPRECEDENTED!"
- I left my job as a door to door salesman I got fed up dealing with knobs
- A bidet salesman starts selling drugs….. he has the cleanest crack on the street
- What does a a cowboy car salesman say *tips hat* Audi
- If I was a salesman and sold bar stools, I'd hand out free stool samples.
- I've bedded countless women. Best bed salesman ever.
- I once met a lizard who was a door-to-door pottery salesman He could really rep tile
- As a rock salesman, I've had great success with money. Sometimes I take it for granite.
- What's a good name for an insurance salesman? Justin Case
- What did the Vietnamese sandwich salesman say to the unhappy mod? Bánh mì
- I've never been a great salesman I'll tell you that for free
- I was the number one tire salesman over 12 out of 15 quarters They were mostly Good years
- Why did the apple salesman fire his delivery boy? He was driving him bananas.
Salesman Up Jokes
Here is a list of funny salesman up jokes and even better salesman up puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Dad is down at the auto dealership, looking at potential choices. Cargo space? he asks.
The salesman, slightly confused, finally replies, Car no do that... car go road. - I picked out a color of grey paint the other day, I guess the salesman didn't like it. He just said "Oh, the hue manatee."
- A salesman tried to sell me a coffin today. So I looked the guy right in the eyes and told him "That's the last thing I need."
- What's the difference between a car salesman and a technology salesman? The car salesman knows he is lying.
- I told a salesman I desperately needed a new TV. "Do you plan on mounting it?" he asked.
"No," I said. "I'm not *that* desperate." - I went into a book shop once. And I asked the salesman:,,Hey where's the self-help section?"
He said if he were to tell me that, it would defeat the purpose. - I ran into a salesman offering me a pencil with invisible lead. I almost bought it, but I couldn't really see the point.
- Did you hear about the travelling pasta salesman? His commission was penne's on the dollar
- Little Johnny yells upstairs: "Dad, there's a salesman here with a moustache." "Tell him I've got one."
- [while new car shopping] Customer: "Cargo space?" Salesman: "Car no do that. Car go road."
Car Salesman Jokes
Here is a list of funny car salesman jokes and even better car salesman puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was shopping for a car and asked the salesman the sticker price. He said $200. 'Not much for a car,' I said. 'The car's extra' he said.
- I went to buy a new car... The salesman said- Buy it today, and you won't make a payment for six months.
I said- Boy! You really know me! - What's the difference between a used car salesman and a computer salesman? A used car salesman knows when he's lying.
- I was so close to buying my dream car, I just had one final question for the salesman Cargo space? I asked
After a second of confusion, he replies: Car no do that. Car go road. - Ford Ibble A car salesman asked me, "What are you looking for in a car?"
I said, "It has to be affordable"
He said, "I'm sorry sir, I've never heard of a Ford Ibble." - I went looking at new cars today... The salesman said- "And if you buy today, you won't make a payment for six months!"
I said- "Wow! It's almost like you know me!" - In what nation does a car salesman live? Incarnation
- Car Salesman: *Slaps sun*
- How do you know a car salesman is lying ? His lips are moving
- How do you greet a German car salesman? AUDI YOU DO
Door To Door Salesman Jokes
Here is a list of funny door to door salesman jokes and even better door to door salesman puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A salesman came to my door and tried to sell me a coffin. "Nah, thats the last thing I'll need"
- I didn't let my st-st-stutter stop me from achieving my dream career I'm a door-to-door salesman. I sell "No Soliciting" signs. The more I st-st-stutter the more I seem to sell.
- I've been trying to sell my child to any house that will take her. I'm a daughter door salesman.
- A salesman knocked on my door. He asked me if I wanted to buy a Gideon's Bible or I want to listen to him read the book of Psalms.
He was a stammerer. - What do you call a dog working as a door salesman? A labour-ador
- Worst job I ever had? Door to door door salesman
- My Uncle Bill was a terrible door to door salesman. He never once was able to get one door to buy another.
- Why is a door to door salesman like a guy who hates condoms? They always try to find a way to come inside
- What do you call door to door coffin salesman? A Morgue-mon
- Did you hear about the blind fella going from house to house trying to sell his dog? He was Labrador-to-door salesman
Travelling Salesman Jokes
Here is a list of funny travelling salesman jokes and even better travelling salesman puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A rabbi, an irishman, a travelling salesman, and a cowboy walk into a bar. The bartender asks them "what is this, some kind of joke?"
- I just solved the Travelling Salesman Problem... For the one-dimensional case
- A horse, traveling salesman, atom, termite, and talking dog walked into a bar. The bartender said "What is this, some kind of a joke?"
- What do you call a gay travelling salesman? Flim-flamboyant.
Fun-Filled Salesman Jokes to Boost Your Mood
What funny jokes about salesman you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sales clerk jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make salesman pranks.
What's the difference between an oyster salesman with tourettes, and a p**... with diarrhea?
Well, one shucks between fits...
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.
She said, I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.
Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He went up to her and said, Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.
She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, If I told you, you would only laugh.
No, I wouldn't, he said.
She said, I sell tampons.
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, See, I knew you would laugh.
That's not what I'm laughing at, he replied. I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!
Mr Snail was always being teased by the insects
for being so slow. Eventually, he just couldn't take it anymore and went to the nearest car dealership.
"I want the fastest sports car you have," he told the salesman, "and make sure to paint a huge 'S' on it, so everyone will know its Mr Snail's car!"
So now, every time Mr Snail drives past the insects, speeding like a maniac, all the insects look and say: "Wow, look at that 'S' car go!"
A young bride and groom to be
A young bride and groom to be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me" she asked the rather elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater three times a day.
A Winking Salesman!
A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.
"Looking at your resume, I can see that you're more than qualified", says the interviewer. "Unfortunately, we can't have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can't hire you", adds the interviewer.
"But wait", says the man. "If I take two aspirin, I stop winking".
"Then show me", replies the interviewer.
So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colours before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.
"It's great. You stopped winking", says the interviewer, "but we can't have our salesmen womanizing all over the country".
"What do you mean?", asks the man. "I'm happily married".
"How do you explain all the condoms?" asks the interviewer.
"Oh, that", sighs the man. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
A Texas Salesman
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager asks him, "Do you have any sales experience?"
"Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
"One."
"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
"$79,237.64."
His boss is astounded. "$79,237.64? What did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine SeaRay. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Suburban."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
The young man replied, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
A man goes to buy his wife a car...
The salesman ask him "why don't you buy her a Kaiser and surprise her?"
The man rejects the idea, so the salesman says "why don't you buy her a Fraiser and amaze her?"
The man thinks for a second, and says "nah, I'll just buy her a Tucker."
A snail walks into a car dealership...
And he asks the salesman about car customization. He shows the salesman a car that he's thinking about buying, but there's something he wants to change about it. The salesman asks him what it is, and the snail tells him he wants the letter 'S' painted on the doors, roof, and windows, as large as possible. The salesman wonders why, and the snail responds:
"Because when I drive down the street, I want to hear people say 'hey, look at that S-car-go!'"
A salesman knocks on the door and a small child answers
The salses man asks, "Is your father home"?
"No, he was ran over by a tractor".
"I'm sorry to hear that, is your mother home"?
"No, she was ran over by a tractor".
"Do you have any big brother or sister at home"?
"No, they were ran over by a tractor"
"So what are you doing here all alone"?
"I'm driving a tractor"
Little Johnny and the Salesman
A salesman knocks on a door. A few seconds later the door opens. Little Johnny is standing there with a bourbon and Coke in one hand and lit cigar in the other hand.
The salesman looks at him for a second and then asks "Little boy, is your mommy here?"
Johnny flicks some cigar ash on the carpet, rubs it into the carpet with his shoe. Then he looks at the salesman and asks "What do you think?"
A man goes to buy a Christmas Tree...
... After the salesman rings him up and helps him strap it to the car, he asks, "were you planning on putting this up yourself?" to which the man responds, "Actually, I was thinking of putting it in the living room."
Three women sat discussing their husbands and their s**... lives.
"My husband's a wrestler," said the first. "He's really strong and aggressive in bed."
"My husband's an artist," said the second. "He's really gentle and sensitive."
"My husband's an IBM salesman," said the third. "He sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how good it's going to be when I finally get it."
What's the difference between a doctor and a chair salesman?
The chair salesman gives YOU a stool sample.
A salesman with a bad lisp...
came to my front door today. He was giving away a coupon for either free cologne or a free abortion. When I confronted him about it, he simply explained "Eidah way, you're gonna clear tha w**...."
The Snail Salesman
The traveling snail salesman delivered snails to restaurants in his station wagon. After travelling and working for half the day, he stopped at a gas station for a cup of coffee. When he came out he found his car was no longer there. The snail salesman cried out "Where did my escargot cargo car go?!"
Flower Salesman Arrested
Local Chinese man Chen Yu stopped a Catholic monk from selling flowers tonight in Downton Dallas. The monk was detained for not having a vending license. The monk will be fined $300 and Yu has been awarded for his efforts. At the end of the day, only Yu can prevent Florist Friars.
Pricey set of teeth
A tourist was admiring a tribal necklace at a gift shop during her honeymoon in India.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Crocodile teeth" the salesman beamed.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that crocodile teeth mean as much to you as pearls do to us"
"Of course not!" he objected.
"Anybody can open an oyster"
A black man walks into a gun store in Texas.
"I would like to see that glock on the display wall"
"I am sorry sir we are out of stock for those" replied the salesman.
"Ok, show me the one beside it, the rifle"
"We are out of those, as well"
Suspecting the salesman is a racist he goes to a lawyer.
When the lawyer, who is white, walks into the store and asks, "what have you got against b**......" when he is interrupted.
"Well we have handguns, rifles, shotguns..."
They just arrested my favorite shoe salesman thinking he was a drug lord.
They said all the shoes were laced and everyone was trippin.
Marriage joke
My husband and I couldn't decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.
If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend, I said, what would you get?
A bulletproof one, he said. I'm married.
Relaxing location
While my parents were making their f**... arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. You'll have a beautiful view of the swan pond, he assured them.
Dad wasn't sold: Unless you're including a periscope with my casket, I don't know how I'm going to enjoy it.
A man notices a TV for sale.
"Hey, how much is this TV?"
The salesman replies "1 dollar."
"Only a dollar? Why so cheap?"
The salesman tells him "the sound is stuck on the highest volume."
"So it's always on the highest volume? And it's only one dollar?"
"Yup."
"Wow, can't turn that down."
A merchant had been selling salt and pepper for 30 years...
He's a pretty seasoned salesman
A car salesman is showing some fine cars for sale...
A car salesman is showing some fine cars for sale, and the buyer is looking at them.
"Well, this one is a fine 1951 Hudson Hornet," says the car salesman.
The buyer gasps, "A Hudson HORNET? Well, I wouldn't want to see a Hudson Wasp!"
The salesman brushes it off and shows him the next car, "this is a Porsche Spyder."
Again, the buyer is aghast, "what is with car companies naming them after insects?! What's next, a Volkswagen Beetle?!"
What does a p**... have in common with a used car salesman?
They both tricked me out of money with a passable t**....
A door to door salesman knocked on a door and a woman answered.
Salesman - Hello. Would you like to buy a book titled '500 Excuses to Tell Your Wife After Staying Out Late'?
Woman - Why on earth would I buy a book like that?
Salesman - Because I sold a copy to your husband earlier today.
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring.
As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.
"Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"
With a fatherly smile, the salesman said,
"One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."
A salesman knocked on a suburban door...
...and was greeted by a nine-year-old boy puffing away on a long black cigar. Stunned for a brief moment, he managed to regain his composure and say "Good afternoon. Would your mother or father be home?" The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes onto the carpet, and replied "What the f*c**... do you think?"
I tried arguing with the table salesman at the furniture store.
He kept making strong counter arguments, though.
A liquor salesman, a food salesman and a mattress salesman were sitting in hotel lobby chatting
The liquor salesman spoke first,"Y'know, I hate to see a woman drink alone."
The food salesman countered with,"I hate to see a woman eat alone."
The mattress salesman said,"Say, what do you fellows think of the cold weather we've been having?"
A guy goes into a parachute store.....
and sees a row of parachutes selling for $200 and another row of parachutes selling for $6,000. Confused, he asks a salesman what the $200 rigs were for. The salesman says they were for parachuting. More confused, he asked the salesman what the $6,000 rigs were for. The salesman said they were for parachuting twice.
A salesman approaches you
Thanks, but I'm not interested in microscopes right now.
Salesman: That's okay, take my business card anyway.
This text is tiny, I can't read it.
Salesman: Boy, do I have the product for you
A Father goes to the toy store to buy a doll for his daughter
"It's my daughter's birthday and I want to buy her a barbie."
the toy salesman replies "well, you came to the right place. We have 'barbie goes to the beach' for 30 dollars, 'barbie super party funhouse' for 20 dollars, 'barbie learns to drive' that comes with a toy car and 'divorced barbie' for 100 dollars.
"why is divorced barbie so expensive" the father ponders aloud.
"because she comes with ken's house, car, and kids
Barack Obama walks into a Subaru dealership...
The salesman asked him, "What are you looking for?"
Obama says, "I'm looking for a replacement because my legacy got wrecked."
Customer: I'm just not sure I really want to buy this pillow.
Pillow salesman: Well why don't you sleep on it.
I had an interview for a position as a car salesman.
The interviewer handed me his laptop and said, Here, sell this to me.
I took the laptop and stuck it in my bag and left. Three hours later he called and asked for his laptop back. I said, You want to buy it back?
What did the Witch say when the Broom Salesman showed her a Vacuum?
I don't want an automatic
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain
"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave."
Arrested at the airport
I'm a car salesman going to New York for the unveiling of the new Porsche 911 model
When i landed in New York the TSA asked me are you here for business or pleasure
I responded I'm here for the new 911
A farmer is at the bar complaining about a pushy fertilizer salesman.
There's only so much b**... a guy can take.
A Venezuelan man goes to buy a car.
The car salesman says, you can pick it up in four years time.
The man asks, in the morning or the afternoon?
Salesman: does it matter?
Man: well the plumber is coming in the afternoon...
A traveling salesman knocked on the door of a farmhouse..
And since it was getting late, he asked the farmer if he could sleep in the barn that night. The farmer said, "That would be fine, but you have to promise to leave my son alone." And the salesman said, Oh no! I'm in the wrong joke!"
Went shopping at Macy's the other day
Salesman was very helpful. He carefully measured my inseam several times
I told him it wasn't necessary but he insisted
I almost just left but bought the toaster anyway
The hot dog
So a traveling salesman goes into a fairly grungy diner. The waitress comes over, and she doesn't look too good, either.
Deciding he'd better not take any chances, the guy orders two hamburgers and a hot dog.
The waitress comes over a few minutes later with the hamburgers under her arms.
The guy says, "Why are the hamburgers under your arms?"
The waitress says, "I'm keeping them warm."
And the guy says, "Cancel the hot dog."
A travelling salesman walks into a bar...
He's going over the menu when a local guy slides onto the stool next to him, and just says one word: Waterloo.
Guessing he's onto something of a local speciality, he asks for one himself. He takes a deep swig and pulls a face: This doesn't taste like anything at all!!! he exclaims.
The local guy asks the bartender: Well, what did he expect? It's a water, innit Lou?
I tried to translate my German grandfathers' favorite joke
A woman walks past a pet shop. In front of the store there is a cage with a parrot, that suddenly starts talking to the woman: "You're ugly"
The woman quickly walks away.
At the next day the woman again walks past the shop and the parrot again says "You're ugly".
This time the woman goes in the shop and complains to the salesman.
The salesman apologizes and tells the parrot to not say this ever again.
The next day the woman again walks past the pet shop and is happy to see the parrot turned completely silent. Provokingly she slows down. Suddenly the parrot starts screeching:
"I'm not saying anything but you know it!"
A young salesman walks up to a house and knocks on the door. The most beautiful woman he has ever seen answers, dressed in only a slinky negligee. She asks "Do you like what you see?" Slack jawed, the man finally manages to stutter "uh... yes, very much!"
She says "Quickly, step inside, I think I hear someone coming."
Once inside the beautiful woman drops her negligee and is completely n**.... With a smile she asks "What do you think is the most sensitive part of my body?"
The salesman says "I guess that would have to be your ears."
"My ears? On this luscious body, you think my ears are the most sensitive?"
"Well, yes. When you said you heard somebody coming, that was me!"
A snail walks into a car dealership...
A snail walks into a car dealership. The snail wants something fast, elegant, and luxurious, after browsing multiple brands he decides on one.
The rich snail pays in cash and walks up to the dealerships salesman and says "I want you to paint big S's all along this car, big S's on the front, the sides, the back, the top, big S's everywhere. The auto body guy tells him he can do it, but can't help but ask the snail why he wants big S's all over the car.
So the snail answers him "It's simple: When I launch past people on the highway they will say Look at that S car go!
I shouldn't have bought balloons from a salesman with commitment issues.
There were no strings attached.
Three sheep in trench coat want to see a movie
One adult ticket please the sheep says
I can tell you're three sheep in a trench coat the salesman says
Really?
Yes! One, two, zzz
I went to a car dealership with my wife
We were intending to swap our old Ford to a newer one. The salesman sees us climb out of our car, comes up and says: "Is that an e**...?"
Me: "No this is my wife"
I was looking for a sofa to buy, and the salesman pointed to one and said, This one can seat three people without any problems.
I said, Where the h**... am I going to find three people without any problems?
Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%.
Office Manager: That's great, I'll take two of them.
