Salary Jokes
101 salary jokes and hilarious salary puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about salary that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for a good laugh related to salaries? Check out this collection of hilarious salary jokes! From salary increments and bonuses to salary cuts and compensation, these jokes will leave you in stitches. See which salary-related SMS you can use for your friends and colleagues. Get ready for the next salary day with these funny salary jokes!
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Funniest Salary Short Jokes
Short salary jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The salary humour may include short income jokes also.
- Donald Trump has decided to take just $1 as his salary for the job of the President instead of the usual 400,000. That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.
- I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me. Boss: "What companies are those?"
Me: "The electricity company and the water company." - Me to HR: Your careers page says the company offers "competitive salary". What does that mean exactly? HR: That means your salary will be competing with your bills.
- Hey, why do you still work as a mailman despite having such a low salary? It's not about the money, it's about sending a message.
- I negotiated salary for the first time ever, and I got what I wanted! I didn't really want to work there anyway.
- Hey, boss, my salary is not compatible with my skills! I know that, but I can't let you starve to death
- Hilary Clinton will make the best president She will save us 25% in salary right from the start.
- At the job interview, I asked what is the salary like. They said I'll start at minimum wage and make double of that in two years. Ok, I'll be back in two years.
- Never ask a man his salary, a woman her age... ... or a billionaire what they contribute to society.
- Wanted: Personal psychic for wealthy client. Salary: $10,000 per week plus bonuses.
Free accommodation.
10 weeks paid leave per year.
Company car.
Generous pension scheme.
You know where to apply.
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Salary One Liners
Which salary one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with salary? I can suggest the ones about paid and wages.
- What does a Greek say when he receives his salary? Danke schön.
- What does a woman get every month that lasts 3-5 days? Her husband's salary.
- What's the toughest thing for an artist to draw? A salary.
(Credit to u/arguablytrue) - Where does a majority of a hockey player's salary come from? The tooth fairy
- How much does Male to Female surgery cost? About a third of your salary.
- Why do morticians have high salaries? Because they are big urners.
- Philosophers don't get salaries They get food for thought
- Do you know why they give those tiny pockets on jeans? It is for your salary.
- My yearly salary is over six figures. I bring in a cool $27,739.48 per year.
- Freedom isn't free. It costs 1/3 of your salary.
- With your current salary what Apple product can you buy? Apple juice
- What happens to women every month and lasts 5-6 days? Their husband's salary.
- I have a six figure salary.. $000,000
It's not much, but it's honest work - The salary for lumberjacks is way too low It's un-axe-eptable
- A woman is being hired and is trying to negotiate her salary
Yearly Salary Jokes
Here is a list of funny yearly salary jokes and even better yearly salary puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Fun Presidential Trivia The annual salary of Commander-in-Chief is legally set at $400,000 per year. Except for our next one, who will only make $316,000 (or 79% to every man's dollar).
- What is a primate's ideal salary? A gorillian dollars per year.
Monthly Salary Jokes
Here is a list of funny monthly salary jokes and even better monthly salary puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Last month, I gave half of my salary to charity. That's probably why my wife found out about her.
- Ajit Pai has resigned from the FCC to take a new role with a better monthly salary and a better corporate fit.
- Salary is like a period – you wait for it a whole month and it ends in a week.
Salary Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny salary day jokes and even better salary day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I told a girl I'm a binary programmer with a multi million salary the other day And pulled out the stacks of 64 dollars to prove it
- If the Earth turned 30 times faster, we would get salary every day, but women would bleed to death...
- One Day Editors of a magazine asked 50 women what they would do if they had a male s**... o**... for one day. Most of them said, "Probably get a salary increase."
Salary Raise Jokes
Here is a list of funny salary raise jokes and even better salary raise puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How to ask for a raise Employee: Sir, I really need a salary increment, 4 companies are after me.
Boss: Which 4?
Employee: Electricity, Gas, Cable, Credit Card. - I just gave my new secretary a s**... dress for her first week's salary. Next week, I'm going to raise her salary.
Happy Salary Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about salary you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean employment jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make salary pranks.
The Vicar's Salary
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to
a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow, stands up and
proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every
year, and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their
children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if
the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary
and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school
education for all of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free s**....'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you
to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking
his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.
Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks.
(TKZS = a state-run c**... collective farm.)
A man walks in the TKZS' boss office and says: "Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks."
The boss laughs straight at his face: "Comrade, the average salary here is 150 bucks. I don't make 500. Why would I pay you 5000?"
„Cuz I can talk to animals. Don't believe me? Let's walk around the farm.
They reach the cow, she says "Moo!" and boss asks cockily "What'd she say?"
„She said she gives 30 litres of milk daily. She also says you and the mayor split 10 litres between you and book only 20. The boss looks a bit worried now and says „Come with me, I wanna show you the pigsty. They get there, the sow says „Oink! and boss waits for our guy's answer.
„Piggy says she gave birth to 6 piglets, but you and the mayor got one each, and booked only 4.
TKZS boss sizes up our guy and then says „Welcome aboard, let's go sign the papers.
They make their way to the office building and while they pass the goat, the goat goes „Meeh!
Boss says „Don't listen to her. Me and the mayor were a bit drunk.
The Best and Worst Possible Life
In the best life you have:
American Salary,
Chinese Cook,
British House,
Japanese Wife.
In the worst life you have:
Chinese Salary,
British Cook,
Japanese House,
American Wife.
When I got my new job, my boss said I could name my salary
But he said "paltry" and " inadequate" were already taken.
Why did the hospital put all of their gynecologists on salary?
Because the ova time was killing them.
Types of salaries
* The onion salary - the moment you touch it, you start crying
* The d**... salary - it doesn't help you at all, it makes you suffer, but you can't live without it
* The agnostic salary - you doubt its existence
* The magic salary - now you see it, now you don't
* The period salary - comes once a month and lasts for 4 days
* The impotent salary - when you need it the most, it lets you down
A gynecologist decides to make a career change...
He always loved cars, and because he made so much money, salary really didnt matter to him. He decides to become a mechanic. He approaches his local shop and inquires about a job. "You need to get certified first" says the head mechanic, "ill give you the test myself, in the shop."
The doctor studies day and night and finally feels ready for his practical exam.
He comes in and is asked to fix the transmission and engine of a beaten down, old car.
After the test, he is seated in the office and the head mechanic comes in.
"Congratulations doctor, you scored 150 out of 100 points"
"im confused" the doctor says, "how did i get 150 out of 100"
"well..." the mechanic says "you fixed the engine perfectly, so thats 50. You also fixed the transmission perfectly, for another 50"
"Great! But where did the last 50 come from?"
"I gave you a bonus. You did it all through the exhaust pipe"
Salary
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
$125,000
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
In an Appraisal discussion... Manager: This is your revised salary, Keep it confidential.
Employee: Don't worry, I am equally ashamed of it
Boss: Why do you have rashes every time you get your salary?
Employee: I am allergic to peanuts.
Logical Thinking
The manager was very angry with this beginner who wanted a very high salary. He asked him why he wanted so much money whereas he had no experience. The beginner replied "Work is very difficult when you are a beginner. It becomes easier as you get experience."
A student asks another student, "How many zeroes does your salary have?"
He responds "One"
"In which currency?"
"Any :("
A man finds a job at an elephant circumcision office.
His salary is so low that he wants to quit, but then he sees that the tips are huge!
Office Presentation
The boss wanted to start my presentation with a joke....
So I added a picture of my salary.
I had a job interview today.
I was offered the job and told the salary was £7.50 an hour for the first three months and would then go up to £15 an hour.
The guy asked me when I could start.
I replied "In three months."
Steven Seagal calls to Putin
- Vladymir . I love your country. Somebody just wire by mistake 73 $ on my account in Sbierbank.
- This is not a mistake Steven. This is your annual salary here.
Why did Donald Trump refuse to take a salary?
Because when you're good at something you never do it for free.
The Young Candidate
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
Why is everybody questioning Trump's integrity?
He is not taking the salary usually given by the United States to be the President. He honestly feels he should not be paid by more than one government.
Why do you ask for such a high salary if you don't have any experience?
-Well, it's a lot harder to work if you have no idea what you are doing
A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.
A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.
CEO comes up and asks his salary.
The man replies - $1000
The CEO pulls out his wallet, gives the man $1,000 and says - here's your month salary. I pay people to work here. Get out and never come back !
The man leaves.
The CEO asks workers - who was this guy ?
They reply - a pizza delivery man.
I just got a new job with a 6 figure salary!
and only 2 of the figures are after a comma.
Do you know why I married my wife?
I couldn't afford to date her anymore. You know why she can't divorce me? She couldn't live on half my salary.
And what starting salary are you looking for?
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
A guy goes to a job interview.
At the end of the interview the boss says:
-We will hire you, but you will start at the minimum salary. Later on it will increase.
The guy replied:
-Ok! Then I guess I'll see you later!
Why I'm for male circumcision
How will religious figures have a living salary if they don't keep the tips?
I'm an aerospace engineer.
I'm an aerospace engineer. If I had a dollar for every time I heard "it IS rocket science..." it still wouldn't be as much as my salary. Take that liberal arts majors.
Girl: why didn't you just say no I have a girlfriend
Guy: if someone offered you money, would you say No, I have a salary.
Yesterday, I went to a Louis Vuitton showroom with my wife
I was shocked to find that my salary was printed on a shoe
New Economy: Behind every broke Millennial...
...is a Baby Boomer earning a six figure salary that can't open a PDF.
Sadness.
I would never hire a woman.
Would be way too much trouble to calculate 78% of a normal salary.
My cousin found a different job and doubled her salary!
She went from being in poverty to being poor.
Blind people earn more every week than a sighted person.
There's always little bumps in their salary.
My wife hates everything I make.
The only things she doesn't hate are my salary and my child.
What do you call someone who wants the salary of men and the preferential treatment of women?
Triggered.
What's the worst job you ever had?
Well I had a job circumcising elephants once, the salary was awful, but the tips were huge!
Physics Teacher's Story
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity went to college and got a science degree with which he's earning a six figure salary.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents in their basement.
Speed lacks Direction.
Man is at a job interview
Interviewer: Well, to start out in the beginning, you will be at a $30,000 salary, but later that number could go up to $50,000 or even $60,000.
Man: Ok, I'll come back later then.
Interviewer: Do you have any question about the job that you are applying for?
Applicant: How much is the salary?
Interviewer: Initially $40,000. Later it could go up to $80,000
Applicant: I will start later then.
A manager examined a job application, then turned to the applicant and said, "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary."
*"Well, the work is much harder when you don't know what you are doing."*
Menstruating salary
My salary is to me like having the period is to a woman. It's always here once a month and usually gone within a week. It gets a little worrying when it's late, and I know I'm definitely s**... if it stops showing up.
Never ask a woman her weight, never ask a man his salary
And never ask UK's museum's owners how in the h**... they have so many historical artefacts
HR: "This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential."
Employee: "Don't worry, I'm equally ashamed of it."
HR jokes
My salary was 2500$. One month I received 2700$ and I kept quiet. The following month I received 2300$ and I went straight to the HR Manager to complain.
The HR Manager asked why you did not complain the previous month when you got 200 extra?
I replied - I normally forgive the first mistake but when you make a second
one I do not tolerate.
CEO spots a man wandering in a factory
In a factory, A man standing on the floor, not doing any work and looking aimlessly.
CEO of that factory came and asked his salary.
Man replied "5000 sir"
CEO took out his wallet and gave 15000 and told him
"I pay people to work and not to waste time, This is your 3months salary. Now get out of here. Never come back".
That guy left....
Then CEO asked workers, "Who was that guy?"
workers replied "PIZZA delivery boy, sir."
