Saint Peter Jokes

During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton and Representative Condit had brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.
They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten.
After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."

Golfing on the sabbath

One day, a man named David decides to skip church to play golf. Up in heaven, Saint Peter sees this and reports David's sin to God. God says, "I will punish him accordingly." David plays a perfect game and goes home really pleased. Saint Peter sees this and goes to God and says, "What gives? You said you would punish him, yet he gets a perfect score." God smiles and says, "Who can he tell?"

A musician dies and goes to heaven

there he sees an old guy with long white hair and a beard swinging his arms and gesticulating like crazy.
"Who's that?" he asks.
"Oh, him" Saint Peter sighs "That's God. He's turned crazy. Megalomanical! He thinks he's Herbert von Karajan!"

A man died and went to Heaven.

He was greeted by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. He saw a wall of clocks that had names on them. He asked Saint Peter what they were for. He replied "They are lie clocks, and every time you lie, the hands move one minute." He showed him George Washington's clock, which was at 12:00, and he told him this meant he had never lied. He then showed him Bill Gates' clock, which was at 1:30, which meant he had lied 90 times. The man asked where Trump's clock was. Saint Peter said "It's in Jesus's office. He uses it as a ceiling fan"

A man dies and goes to heaven

He sees Saint Peter, and starts to tell him a joke
"Masterchief and Cortana walk into a bar.."
Saint Peter cuts him off
"Is this about Halo?"
"Yeah"
"Don't bother, its just going to go over my head"

A man dies and goes to heaven, where he is greeted by billions of clocks and Saint Peter waiting for him.

"What are all of clocks for?" The man asked St. Peter.
"My child, the clocks only move when a person lies. You see that one as only moved twice because that is Abraham Lincoln's clock, and he has only lied twice." St. Peter replies.
"Why has that clock not moved yet?" He asked.
"That clock is for Mother Teresa, for she has never lied."
"Where is Donald Trump's clock?" The man asked.
"Oh, Jesus is using it as a celing fan in his office."

A man dies and goes to heaven

A man dies and goes to heaven.
While entering the golden gates, he sees Saint Peter, surrounded by ticking clocks.
The man asks ¨what are those clocks for?¨
Saint Peter replies ¨These are lie clocks, and every time a person tells a lie, they tick. For example Mother Theresa gave her life to god, so she has no ticks. Honest Abe has told 1 lie, so he has 1 tick¨
The man, thinking hes being smart says ¨what about Donald Trumps clock?¨
Saint Peter answers saying ¨Oh, that's in Jesus's office, its being used as a fan!¨

Priest, Doctor and Lawyer died

A priest, doctor and lawyer died. They met Saint Peter at the gate, who would only let them into heaven if they could answer one simple question.
Peter asked the priest, "what was the unsinkable ship that struck an iceberg?" The priest replied, "The Titanic". And the gates opened up.
Peter asked the doctor, "how many people died on the Titanic?" Doctor replied, "1,503". And the gates opened up.
"Name them" said Saint Peter to the lawyer.

A monk dies and arrives at the pearly gates...

Allowed to enter, he notices a book prominently displayed behind Saint Peter. The monk asked what the book was. Saint Peter replied, "That's the bible as it was *supposed* to be written. The bible on Earth is close, but there are a few minor differences between the two."
"I was a biblical scribe in life; may I read the book," the monk asked humbly.
"Be my guest," replied St. Peter. The monk carefully started reading the tome and was soon absorbed in his task.
A few hours later the monk was crying. "What's wrong," asked the Saint.
"It says cele*brate*! Cele-*BRATE*!"

A priest dies and goes to heaven....

He greets Saint Peter at the pearly gates and Saint Peter gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff.
As he walks through he sees a cab driver and stops for a second. And Saint Peter gives the cabbie a gold staff and a gold robe.
The priest goes to saint peter and says "why does he get a gold staff and robe, and I only get a wood staff and a cotton robe?"
Saint Peter replies "Up here, we go by results. While you prayed, people slept, while he drove, people prayed!"

Three nuns die and arrive at the pearly gates

Saint Peter is there, the gates are closed, and he says to the first nun, "To enter Heaven, you must first answer a question: What was the name of the first man?" She says, "Why, that would be Adam". Ding-ding-ding-ding, the gate opens and she goes in. Saint Peter turns to the second nun and asks, "What was the name of the first woman?" She says, "That would be Eve!". Ding-ding-ding-ding, the gate opens and she goes in. He turns to the third nun and asks, "What were Eve's first words to Adam?" "Oh my" she says, "that's a hard one!" Ding-ding-ding-ding

Building contractor

This building contractor dies in a tragic accident on his 40th birthday.
He ends up heaven where he's greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band and Saint Peter.
Saint Peter shakes the guys hand and says congratulations!
The contractor is a little confused and says congratulations for what?
Congratulations for what!? says Saint Peter.
We're celebrating the fact you lived to the grand old age of 160.
The contractor says, But that's not right. I only lived to be 40.
That's impossible, says Saint Peter. We added up your time sheets!

A 5, 10, 20, 50, 100 and 200 euro banknotes are waiting at the gates of heaven

Saint Peter let's in 5, 10 and 20 euro banknotes, but when it's time for the bigger ones he doesn't let them through and says: "I haven't seen you in church!"

A wealthy man died and went to heaven.

He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who led him down the streets of gold.
They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the very end of the street.
Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little shack.
This belongs to you, said Saint Peter.
Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in? the man demanded.
We did the best we could with the money you sent us! Saint Peter replied.

Saint Peter went running up to God expressing concern that a large group of Russians are waiting outside the pearly gates.

*Saint Peter went running up to God expressing concern that a large group of Russians are waiting outside the pearly gates.*
'We're full right now tell them to go away!' shouts the almighty one.
A short while later St Peter returns shouting 'They've gone'
God cries 'What all 150,000 of them?'
St peter replies 'No, the gates. They've taken the gates!'