Saint Jokes

What are some Saint jokes?

..Trump said "Buy american, Hire american"

Standing on an Ikea podium from *Sweden*, behind bullet proof by Saint Gobain Glass from *France*, smiling at a 4K Sony *Japanese* Video camera, speaking into a Dolby Sennheiser *German* microphone, with vigorous hand gestures giving a glimpse of a Rolex under the cuff made in *Switzerland*

he patriotically said ..*"Buy American, Hire American, Stop Immigrants".* while standing beside a *Slovenian wife*

A slice of pie costs $3.50 in Barbados,

$3.00 in Saint Lucia, $2.50 in Belize, and $2 in Cuba.


Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

What did Saint Patrick say when he drove all the snakes out of Ireland?

"Everyone got seat belts on back there?"

What's the difference between Saint Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?

Everyone wants to be Irish on Saint Patrick's Day.

A minister and a lawyer at the pearly gates.

A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments.

"Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, (to the lawyer) the keys to our finest penthouse suit."

"This is unfair!" cried the minister.

"Listen," Saint Peter said, "ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we've seen."

What's the only major difference between Cinco de Mayo and Saint Patrick's day?

Nobody wants to pretend to be a Mexican for a day.

I hate Adolf Hitler!

The man who shot that scum must be a saint!

It's Christmas time at the Pearly Gates..

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates'
Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said
'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man
with a raised eyebrow and asked,
'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

The Pearly Gates and the Brothers




Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when 3 black guys arrive.



St. Pete looked out through the Gates and said "Wait here. I will be right back."



St. Pete goes over to God's office and chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.



God says to Pete: "How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"



St. Pete goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says "Well, they're gone."



"Who. The black guys?" asked God.



"No. The Gates."

When I went to Heavan...

I meet with Paul the Saint. He points to a bunch of clocks behind him

Paul: These are clocks that measure how honest you are. Yours is at 12:45, meaning you have lied 45 times in your lifetime
Me: Whose that clock at 12:00 belongs to?
Paul: That's Mother Teresa's. She has been a perfect person and has never lied
Me: Then whose that one at 11:59? Is he even better than Mother Teresa?
Paul: No. That one belongs to Bill Clinton. He lied so much during his presidency, the clock almost resets to 12:00
Me: I wonder, where's Donald Trump's clock?
Paul: Trump? Its in my office. I am using it as a desk fan

Either way, the results are not good

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

Three men died on Christmas Eve...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."


The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The Paddy replied, "These are Carols".

A man dies and goes to heaven

He sees Saint Peter, and starts to tell him a joke
"Masterchief and Cortana walk into a bar.."
Saint Peter cuts him off
"Is this about Halo?"
"Yeah"
"Don't bother, its just going to go over my head"

Sunday in church after St. Patrick's Day

It was a sunday after St. Patrick's day in the church of a small village in the west of Ireland. Obviously all the people were more or less hungover, which infuriated the pastor of the village.


"It's a disgrace how we celebrate our most important saint by indulging in binge drinking and other improper activities. If I could have all the wine in the world, I would throw it in the river!"


There was a wave of murmur among the churchgoers.


"If I could have all the beer in the world, I would throw it in the river as well!"

The people put their heads down in guilt, thinking about what they had done.

"If I could have all the SPIRITS in the world, I would throw them in the river with the beer and the wine!"

Now the church was completely silent.

After a short while, the musical conductor of the church spoke up, "Now let us sing hymn number 369, *'Shall We Gather at the River?'*"

---

I heard this story from the ambassador of Ireland in Finland.

A couple dies and goes to heaven

They are greeted at the pearly gates by Saint Peter. As they are being processed for admission they decide to ask Saint Peter if they can get married in heaven.


Saint peter tells them he will find out and get back to them. Finally, after 2 months he returns to the couple and tells them "yes, you can get married in heaven."



The couple then proceeds to ask him "what if it does not work out, can we also get a divorce?" To which Saint Peter tells them, "it took me 2 months to find you a priest, how long do you think it will take me to find you a lawyer?"

Ducks

Three women die in an accident and go to Heaven. There Saint Peter says, 'We only have one rule - don't step on the ducks!' They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks everywhere. In fact, it's almost impossible not to step on a duck, and the first woman accidently steps on one straight away. Saint Peter comes along with the ugliest man the woman has ever seen and chains them together saying, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, the second woman steps on a duck and she too is chained to an incredibly ugly man. The third woman is very, very careful with the ducks and manages to avoid stepping on any of them. One day Saint Peter comes along and chains her to an incredibly handsome man. The woman is delighted but wonders why she's been blessed. She gets on her knees and prays aloud, 'Oh Lord, what have I done to deserve this bounty?' The man says, 'I don't know about you, lady, but I trod on a duck.'

Jehovah's Witness



I was just wondering………..if a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to heaven and knocks on heaven's door….. does Saint Peter answer the door or does he hide like the rest of us???

Christmas Joke... Three men died....

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's'

And So The Christmas Season begins......and I sure hope the jokes get better.

Bill Clinton died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.

"Oh," said Bill, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."

"Whose clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."

"Where's Hillary's clock?" Bill asked.

"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

And so Christmas Season Begins

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

In line at Heaven's Gate.

A Lutheran, Muslim, and a Jew die in a car wreck together and end up in line at the Gate to Heaven together.

The Lutheran walks up and Saint Peter asks his religion and then checks his books and says, "Lutherans: room 11, but be very quiet going past room 4."

The Muslim walks up and Saint Peter tells him, "Muslims: room 8, but be very quiet when you pass room 4."

The Jew steps up and is told to go to room 6 and to be quiet passing room 4. Curious, he asked Saint Peter why everyone has to be quiet passing room 4?

Saint Peter says, "Room 4 is Catholics, they think they are the only ones here."

3 men die and go to heaven

At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter

Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas

The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "this represents the Christmas tree"

He is allowed into heaven

The second man pulls out his keys "these represent bells"

He is allowed into heaven

The third man pulls out a pair of women's underwear

Saint Peter: good lord what do those represent?!

The third man says "oh well these, these are Carols"

Saint Peter has a day off...

... so Jesus takes his place. A man arrives at the Pearly Gates.

Jesus: Hello. Name?
Man: Joseph.
Jesus: What did you do for a living?
Man: Well...I was a carpenter.
Jesus: Have you made any good to humanity?
Man: Oh yes. I raised a child that revolutionized the world.

After along pause... Of thinking how much of a coincidence it is... Of re-reading what he wrote down. Jesus look up. Tears in his eyes.

Jesus: DAD?!

Man: PINOCCHIO!

3 guys go to heaven...

3 men go to Heaven. They are greeted by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Saint Peter says to the 3 men, "Welcome to Heaven. There is only 1 rule in Heaven. Do not step on the ducks. God loves his ducks more than anything else, and you will be punished if you step on a duck." Saint Peter opens the gates, and lets the 3 men in. When they enter, they immediately notice that ducks are everywhere. They would have to be very careful not to step on the ducks.

A few days go by. One of the men accidentally steps on a duck. All of a sudden an angel appears and handcuffs the ugliest looking woman he has ever seen to him. The angel leaves.

A few weeks go by, and one of the other men steps on a duck. Again, an angel appears and handcuffs an extremely ugly woman to him.

The third man is very careful to never step on a duck. 3 years go by, and he never steps on a duck. One day an angel appears and handcuffs the most attractive, beautiful woman the man has ever seen to him. Before the man can question it, the angel disappears. The man looks over at the woman and says, "I don't know what I did, but it must have been something good." The woman replies, "I don't know about you, but I just stepped on a duck."

.

.

Sorry if this joke is really old. It is one my grandfather used to tell me this joke all the time. Just passing it along.

A young religious couple is about to get married

When their car crashes, killing them both. They come to the gates of heaven and are greeted by Saint Peter. He tells them that they were both faithful in life and he welcomes them into God's Kingdom.

"Wait," says the man. "We were about to be married, but we died before the ceremony. Is it possible to get a marriage in heaven?"

Saint Peter thinks about it, but he can't think of an answer. He tells them to wait and he'll see what he can do.

While he's gone, the couple starts thinking about how final a marriage in heaven is. After all, a marriage on Earth is 'til death do us part- but a marriage in heaven would be truly eternal.

Days later, Saint Peter comes back. "It was tough," he said, "but I managed to arrange a ceremony for you two."

"That's all good and fine," says the couple, "but can we a also get a prenup, just in case?"

Saint Peter throws his hands up in the air in frustration and says, "It took me this long to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

Vatican to elevate pope Francis to sainthood-report

Reports are emerging from the vatican that the current pope will be recommended for sainthood due to his compassion for his fellow man. When asked about the holy father's reaction, a vatican official said, 'In keeping with modern times, the pontiff would like to be the patron saint of email, St.Francis of a cc'

Going thru the pearly gates on Christmas Eve

Pearly Gates on Christmas Eve

Three men died on Christmas Eve
and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said,
'You must each possess something that symbolizes
Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets
and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
'And just what do those symbolize?'

The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

John dies and he meets Saint Peter.

Saint Peter: "You were indeed a good man. Come, I will walk you to Heaven."

They started walking through a long hall. On the walls, there were lots and lots of watches. Curious, the man asks:

John: "What's the deal with all these watches?"

Saint Peter: "You see, these are called lying watches. Everytime someone says a lie, the arms move. Look at this one for example. It belonged to Mother Teresa. Its arms never moved, not even once. We also have lying watches for every profession of mankind. Here are the lawyers', engineers', farmers'..."

John: "What about this empty spot?"

Saint Peter: "Oh, here it used to be the politicians' watch."

John: "What happened to it?"

Saint Peter: "Jesus uses it as a fan in his office."

A man is speaking with Saint Peter at the gates of Heaven.

Saint Peter asks him if he has done any good deeds in his time on Earth to merit entry into paradise.

Thinking for a moment, he says, "I was once in a bar in Arizona. I noticed a beautiful woman sitting alone, but before I could introduce myself a bunch of Hell's Angels stormed in and started wrecking the place. Then they scooped the woman off of her bar stool and started throwing her around and terrorizing all of the other guys there."

Saint Peter asks, "And what did you do?"

"Well, first I went outside and kicked their motorcycles over, then I went back in and found the biggest, ugliest, meanest one of them I could. Slapped him in the face, then snatched one of his earrings out and said, 'Listen up. Either you and your friends clear out of here and leave that woman alone or you're going to have to deal with me'."

Clearly impressed, Saint Peter asks, "When did this happen?"

"About five minutes ago."

Why didn't the hipster want to see the Saint John River and the Penobscot River?

They're two Maine streams.

A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates...

...and meets Saint Peter. She says, "I was supposed to look up my husband when I got here."

Saint Peter asks, "What's his name?"

She answers, "Smith."

Saint Peter replies, "I've got hundreds of thousands of Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?"

She responds, "His name is John Smith."

Saint Peter says, "I got thousands of John Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?"

She answers, "He's got red hair."

He replies, "I have hundreds of red haired John Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?"

She responds, "Well, he told me to always remain faithful to his memory, or else he'd roll over in his grave!"

Saint Peter says, "Oh, you mean Pinwheel Smith!"

The pope dies and goes to heaven

He arrives at the pearly gates of heaven and meets Saint Peter. Saint Peter asks "What is your name?". The pope, expecting a warm welcome, reacts surprised. "I'm the pope!", he says. St Peter looks into his book but cannot find an entry for the pope. "I'm the head of catholic church, surely you must know me!" says the pope. St Peter doublechecks but can't find anything at all. The pope insists he should be more than welcome in heaven, so after a while, St Peter says "wait a second, I'll go get God".

God arrives and takes a look at the pope, but he doesn't recognise him either. The pope tries to explain his position as leader of the church on earth, but God just doesn't seem to understand much of it. He decides to get his son Jesus, maybe he knows more.

Jesus and the pope step aside and talk for a minute or 2. Then, a smiling Jesus goes back to God and says "Dad, do you remember that fishing club I had 2000 years ago? It still exists!"

Girl, you must be Saint Peter...

Cuz you've denied me three times already.

Saint Peter is doing his daily routine...

Saint Peter is doing his daily routine at the heavenly gates when he has to pee.
Jesus comes by bringing him his daily coffee and Peter asks him to man the gates for a couple of minutes.


- Sure man, what do I have to do?

- It's not that hard , St. Peter says, You just ask a few questions about what the person has done in his life, listen to their story and let them in – or not.

So Jesus takes over, when suddenly an old man approaches.

So... who are you and what have you done in your life?

- Well, I was a carpenter, and I had a son, but he wasn't really my son, there was no sex involved, he came to life by some kind of magic, I can't explain…

Jesus is bewildered. "Can you describe your son?"

- He went on a big journey, and he had holes in his hands and feet.

Jesus is completely flabbergasted and stumbles: … Dad?

The old carpenter starts crying and screams:

[-"PINOCCHIO ??!!](/spoiler)

The Zebra in Heaven.

My mom told me this awhile back, it made me laugh so I thought I would share.

A zebra had died and when he got to the pearly white gates of heaven, he was greeted by Saint Peter.
"Welcome to Heaven." said Saint peter.

"Wow, so this is Heaven huh? Its beautiful!" said the zebra.

"Yes it is, now enter and live the rest of your life happy." Peter told him.

"Well before I go Saint Pete, I have always wondered, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?"

"Hhhmmm, I honestly am not sure, that is a question for God himself to answer, why don't you go ask him." Peter said.

"Alright." Said the Zebra.

So the Zebra goes to the Lord and ask,
"God am I a white horse with black strips or a black horse with white stripes?"

"You are what you are." God answered.

The Zebra more confused now then ever goes back to saint peter.
"Well, what did he say?" asked Peter.

"He told me, I am what I am?"

"Oh, that's an easy one, you're a white horse with black stripes!" Peter told him.

" How do you figure that?" The Zebra asked.

" Because" Peter said "If you were a black horse with white stripes he would have said, You is what you is."

Three men die in a car crash

They find themselves at the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter approaches them, saying "Okay, you'll get a vehicle for getting around Heaven depending on your faithfulness to your spouse".

The first man says "I never cheated on my wife, and I love her". He gets a Ferrari.

The second man says "I cheated on my wife once, but I still love her". He gets a horse.

The third man says "I cheated on my wife a couple times, but I still love her". He gets a scooter.

Soon after being allowed in to heaven, the man on his scooter sees the man in his Ferrari, crying his eyes out, and asks "What's wrong?".

The man looks up, and replies "I just saw my wife with a pair of roller skates...".

Some people from Detroit walk up to the Pearly Gates.

A group of people from Detroit walk up to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter is confused, as no one from Detroit has ever arrived there. He leaves to speak to God.

"There are some people from Detroit here. What should I do?"

God thinks for a moment. "The usual, I suppose. Ask what they've done to get into Heaven."

Saint Peter goes back to question the people, but comes running back moments afterword.

"They're gone!" He exclaims.

"The people?" Asks God.

"No, the Pearly Gates!"

A zebra died and went to heaven...

Upon reaching the Pearly Gates he is greeted by Saint Peter.

"Welcome, my creature, to the Kingdom of Heaven! Before entering I will answer one question your mortal body may have been concerned with!" Peter says.

The zebra, who had always had one question on his mind, immediately asks, "I have been wondering this for quite some time, am I white with black stripes, or black with white stripes?"

Saint Peter takes a second to ponder the question, and finally replies "I cannot answer such a question of identity, only God can do that. He will be more than happy to answer you in his chambers over there."

The zebra quickly goes into God's chambers and asks the question again, to only have God reply "My creature, you are what you are." Disappointed, he goes back to Saint Peter saying, "God didn't answer my question, he simply told me 'you are what you are.'"

"Ah, but creature, don't you see? That means you are white with black stripes."

"What do you mean?" The zebra asked, "How do you get that just from his response?"

"Because, creature. If you were black with white stripes he would have said 'You is whatchu is'"

Pearly Gates

A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of them torturing this girl. Infuriated, I got out
of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."

Rock'n'Roll Heaven

Stevie Ray Vaughan dies in his helicopter crash and goes to heaven. He is escorted by Saint Peter to a special area reserved for famous dead rock musicians. He is very honoured as he sees that he is in the company of Elvis, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, John Lennon, Buddy Holly and dozens of other famous faces from the history of rock.

Then he spies Bono preening in front of a mirror.

"Hey wait a second," he says, "Bono's not dead!"

Saint Peter replies, "Actually, that's God. He just thinks he's Bono"

I was told this joke by an old lady back when I was 12.

Three men are at the gates of Heaven. The first walks up to Saint Peter, who asks him how he died.

"I knew my wife was cheating on me, but I had no proof, so I went home early one day to catch her. I walked in and saw her lying naked in bed, but I didn't see the guy anywhere. I looked in the bathroom, in the closet, under the bed... nothing. But then I looked out the window and saw a man hanging from the fire escape below me in his boxers. In a fit of rage I picked up the refrigerator beside me and threw it at him. Unfortunately, this gave me a heart attack and I died."

Saint Peter gives his condolences and lets the first man into Heaven. The second man walks up.

"So I was doing pull ups on my fire escape this when all of a sudden this refrigerator comes out of nowhere and flattens me!"

Saint Peter again expresses his condolences at the dramatic irony and lets the second man in. The third then walks up.

"So I was sitting naked in a refrigerator..."

What do you call a Mormon climber?

A Ladder Day Saint.

A man dies and goes to heaven but he sees there are a lot of clocks displayed at the Pearly Gates.

The man is stricken with curiosity and asks Saint Peter.

"Hey, what are those clocks for?" he asks.

"Oh, those are the clocks of lies," Saint Peter replies. "Every time one tells a lie, their clock moves one minute from 12 o'clock. Look, there's Honest Abe's," points Saint Peter at a clock set at 12:02. "Here are those of our saints," Saint Peter points to another bunch of clocks, some at 12:05, 12:03, times which are barely away from 12 o'clock.

"Hmm...where are the politicians' clocks?" the man asks Saint Peter again.

"Oh they're in our offices. We use them as electric fans."

Racist St. Peter

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies, and sagging pants, arrive.


St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I'll be right back."

St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.


God says to Peter:

"How many times do I have to tell you?
You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved.
All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh.


He returns to God's chambers and says, Well, they're gone."

The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.

"No. The Pearly Gates."

A zebra meets God.

All his life the zebra always wondered whether he was a black zebra with white stripes, or a white zebra with black stripes. He thought about this often but never came to an answer.

Well, one day while he was out and about, he was shot by a hunter. When he arrived to heaven, he was face to face with Saint Peter.

Realizing where he was, the zebra asked Saint Peter if he could as God a question.

Before he knew it, the zebra was face to face with God. "What is the question you wish to ask?"

The zebra then said, "All my life I have been wondering this, my Lord, am I a black zebra with white stripes? or a white zebra with black stripes?"

Without hesitation, God replied "You are what you are." Before he knew it, the zebra was back with Saint Peter.

"Did he answer your question?" asked Peter.

"Not exactly..."

"Well, what did you ask him?"

"I asked whether I was a black zebra with white stripes or a white zebra with black stripes."

"What was his answer?"

"All he said was, 'You are what you are.'"

"Oh!" exclaimed Saint Peter, "that means you're a white zebra with back stripes."

The zebra was confused as to how Saint Peter knew this and asked him, "How do you know that?"

"Because," said Saint Peter, "if you were a black zebra with white stripes, he would've said, 'You iz what you iz.'"

The ugly club was going to Disneyland!

When the bus crashed killing all 43 of the occupants and the ugly bus driver. When they reach the pearly gates saint peter tells them all to form an orderly line and they will each get one wish before they pass into heaven.

Each person asks for the same thing, I want to be the most beautiful person ever created. As they move through the line, each person becoming more beautiful than the last they can hear giggling from the back of the line.

The line eventually dissipates and saint peter asks the last person in line his wish.

He says make them all ugly again!

All men on earth die at the same time...

At the gates of heaven there are two lines, one for men who were subservient to their wives, and another for those who wore the pants in the relationship.
Every man besides one stood in the subservient line. Saint Peter looked sadly upon the long line of subservient men and then looked to the one man who stood in the other line. Peter smiled and asked, how is it that you are the only man who managed to stand up to his wife?
The man shrugged and said, uh...I dunno, my wife just told me to stand here.

(Not my original material but always loved this)

Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven

Where they are met by Saint Peter.

"In order to get in," he tells them, " you must each produce something representative of the holidays."

The first digs through his pocket and pulls out a match and lights it.

" this represents a candle of hope." Impressed, Peter allows the first man through.

The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them.

" these are bells." He says. Peter allows him through also.

" so," Peter says to third man, " what do you have?"

The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.

" what do those have to do with Christmas?" Asks Peter.

" they're Carol's"

A Zebra Dies and Goes to Heaven

When he reaches the pearly gates he is stopped by Saint Peter.

"Welcome to Heaven" says Saint Peter, "you may now ask God one question".

The Zebra says, "oh good, I'm going to ask him if I'm a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes!"

So the Zebra enters Gods' chamber and says, "God, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?"

God simply replies, "You are what You are".

Disappointed the Zebra returns to Saint Peter. "What did he say?" Asks Saint Peter.

"He said. 'You are what you are'" replied the Zebra sadly.

"Oh," said Saint Peter, "that means you're a white horse".

"How do you know that?" asked the Zebra.

"Well," explains Saint Peter, "if you were a black horse He would have said, 'You is what You is'".

Russian foodie joke

A guy sitting in a restaurant in Moscow orders quail. When it arrives, using two spoons he carefully opens and peers into the rear of bird and announces, "This is not a quail. It is a simple chicken: born in Saint Petersburg, age: 3 years. Please, waiter, bring me a quail!"

Each subsequent delivery of fowl by the waiter is settled by the mysterious diner in the same manner: two spoons, a quick inspection, followed by an indubitable declaration: Kiev, 2 years; Minsk, 4 years; Volgograd, 5 years!

Meanwhile, a local is seated in the corner table, drinking vodka freely, inscrutable, and privy to the entire quail affair. Slowly, he rises to his feet, acquires an unsteady but adequate balance, makes his way to the mysterious diner's table, turns, drops his pants, and plaintively asks, "My droog, please help me! I orphan! How many years I have? And where I am born???"

If a person does exceedingly well in the Catholic faith, they become a saint. But if someone does equally well in the Hindu faith, they become a...

Saint Bernard.

Two poets die and go to heaven.

When they arrive saint Peter tells them that he only has room for one poet in heaven. He decides that the fairest way to decide who gets in is to have a competition. He tells them that the one that makes the best poem using the word timbucktoo will be allowed in. After thinking for a while the first poet says, "I looked upon the golden land, I looked upon the golden sand, a golden ship came in to view, its destination was timbucktoo." The secound one looks a bit worried due to how good the other poets poem was. After think a while longer the secound poet goes "Tim and I a walk we went, saw three women by a tent, they were three and we were two, so I bucked one and Tim bucked two".

When I tell the joke I let the person I'm telling it too decide who gets let in.

Three men die and go to heaven.

They meet a saint watching the gate, who tells them, "You are all welcome in Heaven. Just do not step on any ducks."

And so they walk in, and the moment they get in, the first man steps on a duck. Then, suddenly, there is a chain on his arm, and on the other end is an incredibly grotesque woman, smelling to the point of being comparable to a harpy. The saint says, "This is your wife, now and for all of eternity.

A few years pass, and the other two are doing just fine. Then, the second man, waking up, rolls over and stands up - "QUACK!" Straight onto a duck. Another woman, even more horrible and smelly than the last is chained to him. "This is your wife, now and for all eternity."

More years pass, and eventually, the saint appears, along with a chain on his arm. On the other end is a woman more beautiful than any he had ever seen. He asks the saint, "Why? I never stepped on a duck."

The woman pipes up, "I did."

Who the patron saint of surveillance?

St Francis of a CCTV.

What is the definition of a Saint?

A dead liberal that is worshipped by living conservatives.

Meanwhile at a catholic church...

We pray you Saint Anne...

The devil appears: Oh, it's you guys again. For Pete's sake stop calling me if you don't mean it and at least pronounce my name right.

(Made this up myself, still giggling...)

Golfing on the sabbath

One day, a man named David decides to skip church to play golf. Up in heaven, Saint Peter sees this and reports David's sin to God. God says, "I will punish him accordingly." David plays a perfect game and goes home really pleased. Saint Peter sees this and goes to God and says, "What gives? You said you would punish him, yet he gets a perfect score." God smiles and says, "Who can he tell?"

A famous casting director dies and ascends to heaven.

He comes to Saint Peter before the pearly gates, and Peter asks him, Why should I allow you into heaven?

The casting director smiles and says, Because I'm without sin.

Peter raises an eyebrow, and asks, Are you?

Yes, I am. You see, just before I died, I worked on a movie where the protagonist has a bunch of talking pet rocks that help him on his quest.

Peter laughs, and asks, And what does that have to do with anything?

Well, you see, I cast the first stone.

Entrance to Heaven

Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they're met by Saint Peter. In order to get in, he tells them, you must each produce something representative of the holidays.

The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. This represents a candle of hope. Impressed, Peter lets him in.

The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. These are bells. He's allowed in too.

So, Peter says to the third man, what do you have?

The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.

What do these have to do with Christmas? asks Peter.

They're Carol's.

Why did Saint Francis cry?

Someone called him Assisi.

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven

He gets to the gate and sees Saint Pete. No fair the lawyer says, I am only 45.
Saint Pete says no, we got a new system. We do it by billable hours, our system says you are 135

Today we honor a patron saint by drinking ourselves into an unintelligible rabble.

Or as the Irish call it... breakfast.

Who is the patron saint of 'reply all'?

St. Francis of a CC

What did Saint Peter name his first born son?

Saint Repeater

Never give your kids stupid names.

You might think it's funny but they have to live with that for the rest of their lives. Take Kanye West for example. His kids, North and Saint . They've got to spend their whole lives telling people that their dad is called Kanye .

A man died and went to Heaven.

He was greeted by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. He saw a wall of clocks that had names on them. He asked Saint Peter what they were for. He replied "They are lie clocks, and every time you lie, the hands move one minute." He showed him George Washington's clock, which was at 12:00, and he told him this meant he had never lied. He then showed him Bill Gates' clock, which was at 1:30, which meant he had lied 90 times. The man asked where Trump's clock was. Saint Peter said "It's in Jesus's office. He uses it as a ceiling fan"

Zebra in Heaven

A Zebra dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates Saint Peter tells him he can ask one question before entering.
"I have always wanted to know if i am white with black stripes or black with white stripes?"
"Only God knows this" he replied "You should ask him, down the hall last door on the left."
So the Zebra trots off to see God.
"What is your question my child" God ask the zebra.
"Am i white with black stripes or black with white stripes"
God looks him up and down and says.
"You are what you are, Goodbye"
The Zebra returns to Saint Peter with a look af bewilderment on his face.
"So what did he say" Saint Peter asked.
"He just said that i am what i am."
"Ahh, so you are white with black stripes."
"How do you know that?" queried the Zebra.
"Well if you were black with white stripes he would have said you is what you is!"

A preacher and a NYC taxi driver arrive at the Pearly Gates...

Saint Peter takes the NY taxi driver first. Giving him a golden cloak, a mahogany staff, and lead him to the nicest part of Heaven. The preacher smirked to himself thinking he was in for an even better afterlife, for after all, the other guy was just a taxi driver. When Saint Peter handed him a silver cloak, an oak staff and lead him to a decent part of heaven, the preacher protested insisting there must be a mistake.

The preacher asked why the taxi driver would get a better reward than himself even though he had preached for decades and had devoted his entire life to God. Saint Peter replied that one's place in Heaven was determined based on merit, particularly on how many people one brought closer to God during his lifetime.

The preacher protested, "Merit? MERIT! I headed a congregation of 70+ people for years! I preached my heart out. What did he do?" Saint Peter replied "true, but while you preached, people snored; while he drove... people PRAYED!"

Go to the animal shelter for a dog and you're a saint

Go to the woman's shelter for a new girlfriend d and everyone looses their minds

Pinwheel Smith

A woman arrives at the Pearly and meets Saint Peter. She says, "I was supposed to look up my husband when I got here." Saint Peter asks, "What's his name?" She answers, "Smith." Saint Peter replies, "I've got hundreds of thousands of Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?" She responds, "His name is John Smith." Saint Peter says, "I got thousands of John Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?" She answers, "He's got red hair." He replies, "I have hundreds of red haired John Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?" She responds, "Well, he told me to always remain faithful to his memory, or else he'd roll over in his grave!" Saint Peter says, "Oh, you mean Pinwheel Smith!"

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to another guy.

The first guy says, "That's a familiar accent you got there, where ya from?"

The other guy says "I'm Irish".

First guy says "I'm Irish too! Where did you live in Ireland?"

The second guy says "Dublin".

First guy:"Me too! When did you graduate?"

SG:"1978. What about you?"

FG:"I graduated in '78 too. Where'd you go to school?"

SG:"Saint Mary's. and you?"

FG"I went to Saint Mary's too!"

About that time, a new person walks into the bar. says to the bartender, "What's goin on?"

The bartender says, "oh nothing much, the O'Reilly brothers are drunk again."

There are extreme biases everywhere you look these days, for example..

It's totally okay for everyone paint red freckles on their face for Saint Patrick's Day, but when I wear black face on MLK Day it's a hate crime.

The car of a woman stops at midnight

A man come to help her. He start fixing the car.

After he finished, he tells the woman to try and start the car.

"Jesus, make this car start."
"Saint Mary, make this car start."
" St. Peter, make this car start." said the man.

"You must be a very religious Christian man." said the lady.

"No, I am a Muslim " said the man, " I can't wake up our prophet in the middle of the night!"

Happy St. Patricks Day. Where we honor a patron saint by drinking ourselves into unconsciousness.

Or as the Irish call it...breakfast.

Why was Saint Valentine sad on the day commemorating him?

Because he doesn't have no body to celebrate with.
(It's just a joke, don't lose your head.)

A zebra dies and goes to heaven.

Once there Saint Peter tells her she can ask God a single question. So she asks God "I've always wondered, am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes."

God responds, "You are what you are" and disappears.

She turns to Saint Peter clearly dissatisfied, "All these years I've waited only to not get an answer, what does that even mean? "

Saint Peter looks confused and replies "Well obviously it means you're white with black stripes"

"How" replies the zebra

"Well if you were black, he would have said 'You is what you is'"

A sausage factory explodes...

And one of the sausages hits a wandering angel. Puzzled by the object he goes to saint Peter and asks:

"Hey, Peter you have knowledge about the world of men , can you tell me what this is?" Saint Peter takes the sausage , he looks at it for a while, tastes it, smells it and shurgs his shoulders. "Take it to Virgin Mary she has lived in the world bellow more than any of us "

So the angel goes to the Blessed Virgin Mary and asks her to explain the obscure object. She takes it and looks at it for hours, then tastes it and smells it; finally she says:

"I have no ideea what this is, but it sure looks like the Holy Spirit!"

An Irish Proposal

An Irishman proposed to his girlfriend on Saint Patrick's Day and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond.

On learning it wasn't real she protested vehemently about his cheapness.

He explained that in honor of Saint Patrick's Day, he picked her a sham-rock.

How to make Saint jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Saint to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Saint? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Saint pick up lines to share with friends.

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