Howlingly Hilarious Saint Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
A minister and a lawyer at the pearly gates.
A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments.
"Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, (to the lawyer) the keys to our finest p**... suit."
"This is unfair!" cried the minister.
"Listen," Saint Peter said, "ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we've seen."
Why didn't the hipster want to see the Saint John River and the Penobscot River?
They're two Maine streams.
Three men died on Christmas Eve...
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The p**... replied, "These are Carols".
The Pearly Gates and the Brothers
Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when 3 black guys arrive.
St. Pete looked out through the Gates and said "Wait here. I will be right back."
St. Pete goes over to God's office and chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.
God says to Pete: "How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"
St. Pete goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says "Well, they're gone."
"Who. The black guys?" asked God.
"No. The Gates."
What do you call Santa with no pants on?
Saint Nickerless!
How come when I find a stray dog, take it home, and give it a bath everyone calls me a saint...
...but when I do it with a kid everyone just calls me a priest?
What's the only major difference between Cinco de Mayo and Saint Patrick's day?
Nobody wants to pretend to be a Mexican for a day.
Jehovah's Witness
I was just wondering………..if a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to heaven and knocks on heaven's door….. does Saint Peter answer the door or does he hide like the rest of us???
Golfing on the sabbath
One day, a man named David decides to skip church to play golf. Up in heaven, Saint Peter sees this and reports David's sin to God. God says, "I will punish him accordingly." David plays a perfect game and goes home really pleased. Saint Peter sees this and goes to God and says, "What gives? You said you would punish him, yet he gets a perfect score." God smiles and says, "Who can he tell?"
Ducks
Three women die in an accident and go to Heaven. There Saint Peter says, 'We only have one rule - don't step on the ducks!' They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks everywhere. In fact, it's almost impossible not to step on a duck, and the first woman accidently steps on one straight away. Saint Peter comes along with the ugliest man the woman has ever seen and chains them together saying, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, the second woman steps on a duck and she too is chained to an incredibly ugly man. The third woman is very, very careful with the ducks and manages to avoid stepping on any of them. One day Saint Peter comes along and chains her to an incredibly handsome man. The woman is delighted but wonders why she's been blessed. She gets on her knees and prays aloud, 'Oh Lord, what have I done to deserve this bounty?' The man says, 'I don't know about you, lady, but I trod on a duck.'
Who's the nicest player in the NFL?
Drew Brees. The guy's a saint.
You can explore saint petersburg reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean saint repeater dad jokes. There are also saint puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
It's Christmas time at the Pearly Gates..
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates'
Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said
'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man
with a raised eyebrow and asked,
'And just what do those symbolize?'
The p**... replied, 'These are Carols.'
What did Saint Patrick say when he drove all the snakes out of Ireland?
"Everyone got seat belts on back there?"
Either way, the results are not good
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for h**.... We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'
Sunday in church after St. Patrick's Day
It was a sunday after St. Patrick's day in the church of a small village in the west of Ireland. Obviously all the people were more or less hungover, which infuriated the pastor of the village.
"It's a disgrace how we celebrate our most important saint by indulging in binge drinking and other improper activities. If I could have all the wine in the world, I would throw it in the river!"
There was a wave of murmur among the churchgoers.
"If I could have all the beer in the world, I would throw it in the river as well!"
The people put their heads down in guilt, thinking about what they had done.
"If I could have all the SPIRITS in the world, I would throw them in the river with the beer and the wine!"
Now the church was completely silent.
After a short while, the musical conductor of the church spoke up, "Now let us sing hymn number 369, *'Shall We Gather at the River?'*"
---
I heard this story from the ambassador of Ireland in Finland.
Who the patron saint of surveillance?
St Francis of a CCTV.
Why can Saint Nicolas never be prosecuted?
Because of the Santa Clause
Why did Saint Francis cry?
Someone called him Assisi.
What's the difference between Saint Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?
Everyone wants to be Irish on Saint Patrick's Day.
St. Patricks Day
Whenever people pinch me on Saint Patricks Day, I punch them.
Because whatever you do with "I" I do with "U"
For the Day that's in it: What did Saint Patrick say as he drove the snakes out of Ireland?
Are ye alright in the back there lads?
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's'
And So The Christmas Season begins......and I sure hope the jokes get better.
Kim Khardasian and Kanye West named their children North West and Saint West. But to prove I'm a worse parent...
I plan on naming my children...Kim Khardashian and Kanye West
You have the face of a saint.
Which one? Saint Bernard.
"Saint"? You had one job, Kardashian-West family.
Go make another kid, and this time name it Wild Wild.
Girl, you must be Saint Peter...
Cuz you've denied me three times already.
I have the heart of a saint
And a lifetime ban from Mother Teresa's grave.
I overheard a gentleman saying he grew up with Drew Brees, and that he wasn't a very nice person...
I said, "Hey! Drew Brees is a *Saint!*"
What is the definition of a Saint?
A dead liberal that is worshipped by living conservatives.
..Trump said "Buy american, Hire american"
Standing on an Ikea podium from *Sweden*, behind bullet proof by Saint Gobain Glass from *France*, smiling at a 4K Sony *Japanese* Video camera, speaking into a Dolby Sennheiser *German* microphone, with vigorous hand gestures giving a glimpse of a Rolex under the cuff made in *Switzerland*
he patriotically said ..*"Buy American, Hire American, Stop Immigrants".* while standing beside a *Slovenian wife*
A man walks up to the pearly gates
Saint Peter asks, "How did you get here?"
The mans answers, "Flu."
When I went to Heavan...
I meet with Paul the Saint. He points to a bunch of clocks behind him
Paul: These are clocks that measure how honest you are. Yours is at 12:45, meaning you have lied 45 times in your lifetime
Me: Whose that clock at 12:00 belongs to?
Paul: That's Mother Teresa's. She has been a perfect person and has never lied
Me: Then whose that one at 11:59? Is he even better than Mother Teresa?
Paul: No. That one belongs to Bill Clinton. He lied so much during his presidency, the clock almost resets to 12:00
Me: I wonder, where's Donald Trump's clock?
Paul: Trump? Its in my office. I am using it as a desk fan
Happy St. Patricks Day. Where we honor a patron saint by drinking ourselves into unconsciousness.
Or as the Irish call it...breakfast.
Who was the worst Saint?
Saint Anic
A couple dies and goes to heaven
They are greeted at the pearly gates by Saint Peter. As they are being processed for admission they decide to ask Saint Peter if they can get married in heaven.
Saint peter tells them he will find out and get back to them. Finally, after 2 months he returns to the couple and tells them "yes, you can get married in heaven."
The couple then proceeds to ask him "what if it does not work out, can we also get a divorce?" To which Saint Peter tells them, "it took me 2 months to find you a priest, how long do you think it will take me to find you a lawyer?"
Never give your kids s**... names.
You might think it's funny but they have to live with that for the rest of their lives. Take Kanye West for example. His kids, North and Saint . They've got to spend their whole lives telling people that their dad is called Kanye .
Vatican to elevate pope Francis to sainthood-report
Reports are emerging from the vatican that the current pope will be recommended for sainthood due to his compassion for his fellow man. When asked about the holy father's reaction, a vatican official said, 'In keeping with modern times, the pontiff would like to be the patron saint of email, St.Francis of a cc'
A saint drank through an uncooked piece of meat
St. Raw
I hate Adolf h**...!
The man who shot that s**... must be a saint!
What do you call a m**... climber?
A Ladder Day Saint.
Some dude went to a Halloween party dressed as Santa.
He was approached by someone who said "Really? You dressed as Santa?"
The man replied "Almost. You see, I went commando."
The person was surprised at the response. So he asked "why does that change anything?"
The man smiled, and slyly replied "Today, I am dressed as Saint Knicker-less"
The car of a woman stops at midnight
A man come to help her. He start fixing the car.
After he finished, he tells the woman to try and start the car.
"Jesus, make this car start."
"Saint Mary, make this car start."
" St. Peter, make this car start." said the man.
"You must be a very religious Christian man." said the lady.
"No, I am a Muslim " said the man, " I can't wake up our prophet in the middle of the night!"
A lawyer dies and goes to heaven
He gets to the gate and sees Saint Pete. No fair the lawyer says, I am only 45.
Saint Pete says no, we got a new system. We do it by billable hours, our system says you are 135
Why was Saint Valentine sad on the day commemorating him?
Because he doesn't have no body to celebrate with.
(It's just a joke, don't lose your head.)
They say saint Francis was a serious cat lover...
Some may even agree he's a Catholic.
Saint Peter has a day off...
... so Jesus takes his place. A man arrives at the Pearly Gates.
Jesus: Hello. Name?
Man: Joseph.
Jesus: What did you do for a living?
Man: Well...I was a carpenter.
Jesus: Have you made any good to humanity?
Man: Oh yes. I raised a child that revolutionized the world.
After along pause... Of thinking how much of a coincidence it is... Of re-reading what he wrote down. Jesus look up. Tears in his eyes.
Jesus: DAD?!
Man: PINOCCHIO!
What does Saint Patrick and the IRA have in common?
Both if them did a great job of driving vermin out if Ireland.
Today we honor a patron saint by drinking ourselves into an unintelligible rabble.
Or as the Irish call it... breakfast.
What did Saint Peter name his first born son?
Saint Repeater
A slice of pie costs $3.50 in Barbados,
$3.00 in Saint Lucia, $2.50 in Belize, and $2 in Cuba.
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
What do you call a Mexican-Norwegian saint who lives in Japan?
San Sanchezsen-san
There are extreme biases everywhere you look these days, for example..
It's totally okay for everyone paint red freckles on their face for Saint Patrick's Day, but when I wear black face on MLK Day it's a hate crime.
What do you call a mystic Saint you share a living space with?
Rumi..
If my wiener was a mountain...
It be Mount Saint Helens
An Irish Proposal
An Irishman proposed to his girlfriend on Saint Patrick's Day and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond.
On learning it wasn't real she protested vehemently about his cheapness.
He explained that in honor of Saint Patrick's Day, he picked her a sham-rock.
Meanwhile at a catholic church...
We pray you Saint Anne...
The devil appears: Oh, it's you guys again. For Pete's sake stop calling me if you don't mean it and at least pronounce my name right.
(Made this up myself, still giggling...)
Go to the animal shelter for a dog and you're a saint
Go to the woman's shelter for a new girlfriend d and everyone looses their minds
What's a burger's favorite holiday???????????????
Saint Patty's Day of course.
A catholic priest was praying Saint Anne.
The devil appears: Whazzzzup homie, why you pronounce my name so funny?
A man dies and goes to heaven
He sees Saint Peter, and starts to tell him a joke
"Masterchief and Cortana walk into a bar.."
Saint Peter cuts him off
"Is this about Halo?"
"Yeah"
"Don't bother, its just going to go over my head"
(X post) An artillery captain was made a saint by the Catholic Church.
One could say he was cannonized.
Young Jesus comes running into Saint Joseph's carpenter shop...
Daddy, did you call me?
Ah no, son, I just hit my thumb with a hammer.
With it being Saint Patrick's Day, I have an important question for all of you. You all know why there are two Irelands right?
Many people say it's because of religious and Political beliefs, but I always like to think it's because Ireland wanted to Dublin size.
Just got yet another email from the patron saint of copying people in
I should never have given my email address to St Francis of a CC
Who is the patron saint of copying people into emails?
St. Francis of a CC
If a person does exceedingly well in the Catholic faith, they become a saint. But if someone does equally well in the Hindu faith, they become a...
Saint Bernard.
Who is the patron saint of 'reply all'?
St. Francis of a CC
My kid just asked me 'Why doesn't Spongebob have his own day like his friend does?'
Saint Patrick's Day.......
What did saint Patrick say when he drove all the snakes out of Ireland?
Seatbelts on the back.
If saints go to heaven and sinners go to h**..., where do s**... b**... go?
Everywhere.
Priest, Doctor and Lawyer died
A priest, doctor and lawyer died. They met Saint Peter at the gate, who would only let them into heaven if they could answer one simple question.
Peter asked the priest, "what was the unsinkable ship that struck an iceberg?" The priest replied, "The Titanic". And the gates opened up.
Peter asked the doctor, "how many people died on the Titanic?" Doctor replied, "1,503". And the gates opened up.
"Name them" said Saint Peter to the lawyer.
A 5, 10, 20, 50, 100 and 200 euro banknotes are waiting at the gates of heaven
Saint Peter let's in 5, 10 and 20 euro banknotes, but when it's time for the bigger ones he doesn't let them through and says: "I haven't seen you in church!"
Donate one kidney, they call you a hero. Donate two, they call you a saint.
But donate three or more, and suddenly you're a monster.
What do youcall a broke santa?
Saint nickel less
What did God say to Saint Peter, when giving him control of the weather?
You have free rain!
(had this idea in the shower, so it's technically a shower thought?)
A wealthy man died and went to heaven.
He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who led him down the streets of gold.
They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the very end of the street.
Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little shack.
This belongs to you, said Saint Peter.
Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in? the man demanded.
We did the best we could with the money you sent us! Saint Peter replied.
A guy dies, goes to the gates of heaven, and starts telling Saint Peter a joke.
8 hours later, Peter finally gets impatient, interrupts him and says, "We don't have forever, Norm."
Go to the dog shelter for a dog and you are a Saint....
Go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind!!
An old joke in my native language.
In a country, all the idiots lived together in a big town. One day, their leader dies. He had two children. Both of them were eligible to be the leader. They were quite confused who should be their leader. So, they visit a saint for advice.
The saint says: "Whoever will answer my question correctly will be the king of idiots..
..and the question is: **If a rooster sits on a tower, and lays an egg, in which direction will the egg fall?**"
Saint Peter went running up to God expressing concern that a large group of Russians are waiting outside the pearly gates.
*Saint Peter went running up to God expressing concern that a large group of Russians are waiting outside the pearly gates.*
'We're full right now tell them to go away!' shouts the almighty one.
A short while later St Peter returns shouting 'They've gone'
God cries 'What all 150,000 of them?'
St peter replies 'No, the gates. They've taken the gates!'
A man goes before Saint Peter...
Saint Peter asks 'Where were you born?'
The man thinks for a moment and says 'Austria-Hungary, Lemberg.'
'Where did you go to school?'
'Poland, Lwow.'
'Where were you married?'
'The Ukrainian S.S.R., Lviv.'
Surprised, Saint Peter asks 'Where was your first child born?'
'In the German r**....'
'And where did you die?'
'At home in Lvov, in the Soviet Union.'
Astonished, Saint Peter shouts 'My, you moved around a lot!'
'What are you talking about? I never left the city!'
