saint Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious saint stories

What are the best Saint puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Saint? Well here is a complete list of Saint to have fun with:

Either way, the results are not good

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'


'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'


What did Saint Patrick say when he drove all the snakes out of Ireland?

"Everyone got seat belts on back there?"


It's Christmas time at the Pearly Gates..

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates'
Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said
'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man
with a raised eyebrow and asked,
'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'


What's the difference between Saint Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?

Everyone wants to be Irish on Saint Patrick's Day.


A man dies and goes to heaven but he sees there are a lot of clocks displayed at the Pearly Gates.

The man is stricken with curiosity and asks Saint Peter.

"Hey, what are those clocks for?" he asks.

"Oh, those are the clocks of lies," Saint Peter replies. "Every time one tells a lie, their clock moves one minute from 12 o'clock. Look, there's Honest Abe's," points Saint Peter at a clock set at 12:02. "Here are those of our saints," Saint Peter points to another bunch of clocks, some at 12:05, 12:03, times which are barely away from 12 o'clock.

"Hmm...where are the politicians' clocks?" the man asks Saint Peter again.

"Oh they're in our offices. We use them as electric fans."


A busload of nuns goes over a cliff...

A bus load of nuns goes over a cliff in a snowstorm. All the nuns go to heaven and line us at the pearly gates in front of Saint Peter.

Sister Mary is first in line. St Peter asks her "Have you any sins to atone for?" She responds, "Once, I looked at a man's penis." St Peter tells her to splash some holy water on her eyes and enter heaven.

Sister Katherine is next. St Peter questions her likewise "Have you an sins to atone for?" She responds "I have, I gave a man a hand job." St peter tells her to wash her hands and enter heaven.

About this time there is a commotion towards the rear. St Peter quite angrily yells "What's all the commotion back there!" Sister Julie exclaims "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I'm doing it before Margaret sticks her ass in it!"


A man is speaking with Saint Peter at the gates of Heaven.

Saint Peter asks him if he has done any good deeds in his time on Earth to merit entry into paradise.

Thinking for a moment, he says, "I was once in a bar in Arizona. I noticed a beautiful woman sitting alone, but before I could introduce myself a bunch of Hell's Angels stormed in and started wrecking the place. Then they scooped the woman off of her bar stool and started throwing her around and terrorizing all of the other guys there."

Saint Peter asks, "And what did you do?"

"Well, first I went outside and kicked their motorcycles over, then I went back in and found the biggest, ugliest, meanest one of them I could. Slapped him in the face, then snatched one of his earrings out and said, 'Listen up. Either you and your friends clear out of here and leave that woman alone or you're going to have to deal with me'."

Clearly impressed, Saint Peter asks, "When did this happen?"

"About five minutes ago."


A train hits a bus load of Catholic schoolgirls...

...and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past Saint Peter.
Saint Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St Peter says "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate."
He asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She is a little reluctant but replies, lWell I once fondled and stroked one."
St Peter says, "ok, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through."
All of the sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line as one girl is pushing her way to the front.
When she reaches the front of the line Saint Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
Lisa replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it!"


A minister and a lawyer at the pearly gates.

A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments.

"Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, (to the lawyer) the keys to our finest penthouse suit."

"This is unfair!" cried the minister.

"Listen," Saint Peter said, "ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we've seen."



Two men are sitting in a pub when one turns to the other and says "My mother-in-law is a saint," To which the other man replies "You're so fucking lucky! Mine's still alive,"


Sisters of Saint Francis whore house

A traveling salesman is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. To his amazement it reads:


He thinks it is a figment of his imagination and he drives on without a second thought. Soon he see another sign which says:


Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are real...

Then he drives past a third sign saying:


His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

So he climbs the steps and rings the bell.

The door is answered by an old nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.

The nun stops at a door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs him, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup. With his imagination running wild he trots eagerly down the dark hallway and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door clicks shut behind him, his eyes adjust and he realizes that he is back in the parking lot.

In front of him is a small sign which reads:






What's the difference between Martin Luther King Jr day and saint pattys day

Everybody wants to be irish on saint pattys day.


What's the only major difference between Cinco de Mayo and Saint Patrick's day?

Nobody wants to pretend to be a Mexican for a day.


Four nuns were out for a stroll one day...

...when a bus lost control and plowed into them, killing them all instantly.

When they arrive at the pearly gates they are greeted by Saint Peter.

"Good to see you, sisters," he said. "Before I let you in to Heaven, you will each have to answer a question." He asked the first nun, "Have you ever touched a man's penis?"

"Yes," she replied. "Many years ago I stumbled in a crowd and as I fell I reached out to grab hold of something to break the fall and I grabbed a man's crotch by mistake."

"Fine, sister," he replied. "Go wash that hand in the holy water over there and then you will be admitted."

Saint Peter asks the next nun in line, "Have you ever touched a man's penis?"

"Yes. I was working in a hospital and I had to give a man a sponge bath, which included washing his penis. But that is the only time."

"Go wash your hands in the holy water, and then you're all set," he replied.

As he was about to ask the third nun her question, the fourth nun jumped in front of her in line.

"It's not your turn yet, sister." said Saint Peter.

"Well, if you think I'm gonna wash my mouth out in the holy water after sister Julie washes her ass in there, you're crazy!"


An old couple went to heaven...

...after spending 60 years being married. When they reach the pearly gates, St George greets them and says, "Welcome! Let me show you what we have." The saint leads the couple to a massive golf course and a huge golf club, with premium equipment. "You'll never find anywhere better!" George said. Looking at this, the woman was overjoyed, but the man seemed slightly angry. Then the saint showed them an extremely long buffet table. "You can find any food in the world here!" He said and the woman was delighted, but the old man seemed even more livid. Then, St. George showed them a gigantic boulevard, filled with mansions with outstanding architecture. "Choose any one you like!" George said. The woman couldn't have been happier, but the man has a complete fit of rage and storms off. After his wife finds him, she asks him what's wrong, and he yells "If it wasn't for you damn bran muffins, I could've been here *years* ago!


St. Peter and the Lawyer

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. There must be some mistake, the lawyer argues. I'm too young to die. I'm only fifty five. Fifty five? says Saint Peter. No, according to out calculations, you're eighty two. How's you get that? the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: We added up your time sheets.


Sunday in church after St. Patrick's Day

It was a sunday after St. Patrick's day in the church of a small village in the west of Ireland. Obviously all the people were more or less hungover, which infuriated the pastor of the village.

"It's a disgrace how we celebrate our most important saint by indulging in binge drinking and other improper activities. If I could have all the wine in the world, I would throw it in the river!"

There was a wave of murmur among the churchgoers.

"If I could have all the beer in the world, I would throw it in the river as well!"

The people put their heads down in guilt, thinking about what they had done.

"If I could have all the SPIRITS in the world, I would throw them in the river with the beer and the wine!"

Now the church was completely silent.

After a short while, the musical conductor of the church spoke up, "Now let us sing hymn number 369, *'Shall We Gather at the River?'*"


I heard this story from the ambassador of Ireland in Finland.



Three women die in an accident and go to Heaven. There Saint Peter says, 'We only have one rule - don't step on the ducks!' They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks everywhere. In fact, it's almost impossible not to step on a duck, and the first woman accidently steps on one straight away. Saint Peter comes along with the ugliest man the woman has ever seen and chains them together saying, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, the second woman steps on a duck and she too is chained to an incredibly ugly man. The third woman is very, very careful with the ducks and manages to avoid stepping on any of them. One day Saint Peter comes along and chains her to an incredibly handsome man. The woman is delighted but wonders why she's been blessed. She gets on her knees and prays aloud, 'Oh Lord, what have I done to deserve this bounty?' The man says, 'I don't know about you, lady, but I trod on a duck.'


Jehovah's Witness

I was just wondering………..if a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to heaven and knocks on heaven's door….. does Saint Peter answer the door or does he hide like the rest of us???


Saint Peter is standing at the pearly gates one day...

When suddenly A man approaches. He's sweaty and out of breath so Saint Peter asks him "What happened?"
"You wouldn't believe the day I've had,"
replies the man.
"I've suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for a while now, so today I decided to come home early and catch her in the act. When I got home I found her in lingerie looking nervous so I had a look around the house. Then I found a man standing on my balcony in his underwear! I went out there, pushed him off the balcony and then I went into my storage closet and dragged out my old broken fridge and pushed it off the balcony on top of him. In all the excitement I must have had a heart attack because next thing I know I'm here."
Saint Peter lets the man in to Heaven. Soon, another man approaches.
"Fuck, you would not believe the day I've had," says the man. "I was on my balcony having a smoke when suddenly the rail gave out and I fell. I was able to grab on to my downstairs neighbors balcony, but the bastard came out and pushed me off. Then he threw a fridge at me!" Saints Peter lets him in as well.
A third man then approaches, he is completely naked.
"What happened?" asks Saint Peter. The man replies "So, get this, I'm hiding in a fridge..."


Going thru the pearly gates on Christmas Eve

Pearly Gates on Christmas Eve

Three men died on Christmas Eve
and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said,
'You must each possess something that symbolizes
Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets
and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
'And just what do those symbolize?'

The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......


Why didn't the hipster want to see the Saint John River and the Penobscot River?

They're two Maine streams.


A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates...

...and meets Saint Peter. She says, "I was supposed to look up my husband when I got here."

Saint Peter asks, "What's his name?"

She answers, "Smith."

Saint Peter replies, "I've got hundreds of thousands of Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?"

She responds, "His name is John Smith."

Saint Peter says, "I got thousands of John Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?"

She answers, "He's got red hair."

He replies, "I have hundreds of red haired John Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?"

She responds, "Well, he told me to always remain faithful to his memory, or else he'd roll over in his grave!"

Saint Peter says, "Oh, you mean Pinwheel Smith!"


The pope dies and goes to heaven

He arrives at the pearly gates of heaven and meets Saint Peter. Saint Peter asks "What is your name?". The pope, expecting a warm welcome, reacts surprised. "I'm the pope!", he says. St Peter looks into his book but cannot find an entry for the pope. "I'm the head of catholic church, surely you must know me!" says the pope. St Peter doublechecks but can't find anything at all. The pope insists he should be more than welcome in heaven, so after a while, St Peter says "wait a second, I'll go get God".

God arrives and takes a look at the pope, but he doesn't recognise him either. The pope tries to explain his position as leader of the church on earth, but God just doesn't seem to understand much of it. He decides to get his son Jesus, maybe he knows more.

Jesus and the pope step aside and talk for a minute or 2. Then, a smiling Jesus goes back to God and says "Dad, do you remember that fishing club I had 2000 years ago? It still exists!"


So Bill Clinton, Dick Cheney, and Al Gore die and go to heaven.

In heaven, they are met by Saint Peter. He says "Only the pure may cross the river of life and enter the promised land." The River of Life is a wide, golden river, and heaven waits on the other side. "You must wade across, the river is deeper for those who's sins are greater. If you cross without drowning, you may enter heaven, if you cannot, the current will carry you down to hell." Peter says.

Al Gore figures he has nothing to lose, he had cared for planet Earth where so many did not. So he wades out and begins crossing. The water gets deeper and deeper, coming to his chest, but no higher. He crosses into heaven.

Bill Clinton comes next. He wades across the water, but the river only comes up to his stomach. "This isn't fair at all!" Al Gore says as Clinton is crossing, "How could Clinton possibly be less sinful than me?"

Clinton calls out "I'm Standing on Cheney's Shoulders!"


Some people from Detroit walk up to the Pearly Gates.

A group of people from Detroit walk up to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter is confused, as no one from Detroit has ever arrived there. He leaves to speak to God.

"There are some people from Detroit here. What should I do?"

God thinks for a moment. "The usual, I suppose. Ask what they've done to get into Heaven."

Saint Peter goes back to question the people, but comes running back moments afterword.

"They're gone!" He exclaims.

"The people?" Asks God.

"No, the Pearly Gates!"


Pearly Gates

A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of them torturing this girl. Infuriated, I got out
of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."


Nuns waiting to get into heaven

Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven.

Saint Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. Well, once I looked at a man's penis, she said.

Put some of this holy water in your eyes, and you may enter heaven, Peter told her.

Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. Well, once I held a man's penis, she replied.

Put your hand in this holy water, and you may enter heaven, he said.

Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun.

Peter asked her, Why did you push ahead in line? She said, Because if I'm gonna have to gargle that shit, its gonna happen before sister mary sits in it!


Rock'n'Roll Heaven

Stevie Ray Vaughan dies in his helicopter crash and goes to heaven. He is escorted by Saint Peter to a special area reserved for famous dead rock musicians. He is very honoured as he sees that he is in the company of Elvis, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, John Lennon, Buddy Holly and dozens of other famous faces from the history of rock.

Then he spies Bono preening in front of a mirror.

"Hey wait a second," he says, "Bono's not dead!"

Saint Peter replies, "Actually, that's God. He just thinks he's Bono"


My favorite joke of all time.

Three nuns die and they are standing in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. He looks down at them and tells them to stand single file in a line. He asks the first one, "Sister, have you ever seen or touched a penis?" She says, "Yes sir, I have touched a penis." He directs her to a small basin of Holy Water a short distance away to wash her hands. She walks over and proceeds to wash the sin from her hands. As he starts to address the second nun in line, the third nun shoves the second down and sprints to the basin and starts gargling the Holy Water. Peter is incredibly confused by this point and yells, "What the hell is going on here?!?" To which the third nun replies "If you think I'm gonna put this water in my mouth after that bitch puts her ass in it, you've got another thing coming!!!"


Three Nuns Dies and Go To Heaven.....

Saint Peter meets them at the gate and says "I am going to ask each of you a question, if you get it right you can enter Heaven; but if you get it wrong you are going to Hell!".

He then turns to the first nun, a really smart brunette and says "Who was the first man God put on Earth?"...Immediately she answered "Adam" so he opens the gate and lets her into Heaven.

He then turns to the second nun, an average intelligence redhead and says "Who was the first woman God put on Earth?"...She thinks for a few minutes and answers "Eve" so he opens the gate and lets her into Heaven.

He then turns to the third nun, an almost retarded blonde and says "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"...For days she recites scripture and has no clue so she looks at Saint Peter and says "That's a hard one"...he opens the gate and lets her into heaven too.


A zebra spent most of his life wondering if he was white with black stripes or black with white stripes.

One day the zebra passed away and went to heaven. When he met Saint Peter at the gates the zebra asked him which one he was only to have Saint Peter reply by telling him he would have to ask God for such information. A few days later the zebra met God and asked him the same question. God replied by saying, "My son, you are what you are." The Zebra was confused by this, and upon seeing Saint Peter again a few days later, told him what God's reply was. "That's your answer, friend. You are white with black stripes." The Zebra asked Saint Peter how he came to that conclusion, and Saint Peter said, "Well, if you had been black with white stripes he would have said, 'My nigga, you is what you is.'"


A Zebra Dies and Goes to Heaven

When he reaches the pearly gates he is stopped by Saint Peter.

"Welcome to Heaven" says Saint Peter, "you may now ask God one question".

The Zebra says, "oh good, I'm going to ask him if I'm a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes!"

So the Zebra enters Gods' chamber and says, "God, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?"

God simply replies, "You are what You are".

Disappointed the Zebra returns to Saint Peter. "What did he say?" Asks Saint Peter.

"He said. 'You are what you are'" replied the Zebra sadly.

"Oh," said Saint Peter, "that means you're a white horse".

"How do you know that?" asked the Zebra.

"Well," explains Saint Peter, "if you were a black horse He would have said, 'You is what You is'".


Russian foodie joke

A guy sitting in a restaurant in Moscow orders quail. When it arrives, using two spoons he carefully opens and peers into the rear of bird and announces, "This is not a quail. It is a simple chicken: born in Saint Petersburg, age: 3 years. Please, waiter, bring me a quail!"

Each subsequent delivery of fowl by the waiter is settled by the mysterious diner in the same manner: two spoons, a quick inspection, followed by an indubitable declaration: Kiev, 2 years; Minsk, 4 years; Volgograd, 5 years!

Meanwhile, a local is seated in the corner table, drinking vodka freely, inscrutable, and privy to the entire quail affair. Slowly, he rises to his feet, acquires an unsteady but adequate balance, makes his way to the mysterious diner's table, turns, drops his pants, and plaintively asks, "My droog, please help me! I orphan! How many years I have? And where I am born???"


90 Year old Ukranian man told me this one:

Three men die of natural causes and are in line at the pearly gates, waiting to hear if they will be saved or damned. When the first man gets to the front of the line Saint Peter says to him "You have been single all your life, so you will go to hell because your life was like heaven". The second man is now at the front of the line and Saint Peter says to him "You have been married all your life, so you will go to heaven because your life was like hell". Finally, the third man is being judged and Saint Peter says to him "You were married once and then remarried, so you will go to hell"
"What?!" Says the third man, "I was married and I don't get to go to heaven like the second man?"
Saint Peter says "Believe me, after being married twice, hell will feel like heaven.


Two poets die and go to heaven.

When they arrive saint Peter tells them that he only has room for one poet in heaven. He decides that the fairest way to decide who gets in is to have a competition. He tells them that the one that makes the best poem using the word timbucktoo will be allowed in. After thinking for a while the first poet says, "I looked upon the golden land, I looked upon the golden sand, a golden ship came in to view, its destination was timbucktoo." The secound one looks a bit worried due to how good the other poets poem was. After think a while longer the secound poet goes "Tim and I a walk we went, saw three women by a tent, they were three and we were two, so I bucked one and Tim bucked two".

When I tell the joke I let the person I'm telling it too decide who gets let in.


Who the patron saint of surveillance?

St Francis of a CCTV.


Golfing on the sabbath

One day, a man named David decides to skip church to play golf. Up in heaven, Saint Peter sees this and reports David's sin to God. God says, "I will punish him accordingly." David plays a perfect game and goes home really pleased. Saint Peter sees this and goes to God and says, "What gives? You said you would punish him, yet he gets a perfect score." God smiles and says, "Who can he tell?"


Why did Saint Francis cry?

Someone called him Assisi.


4 Nuns

Four nuns die and are standing in a line waiting outside the gates of heaven. Saint Peter walks up to the first nun and asks, "Have you ever come in contact with a male penis?" The nun slowly nods her head and says, "I have seen a male penis." St. Peter thanks her for her honesty, sprinkles holy water on her eyes, and tells her that she may enter heaven. Next, St. Peter asks the same question to the second nun, "Have you ever come in contact with a male penis?" The second nun nods her head and said, "I have touched a male penis." St. Peter thanks her for her honesty, dips her hand in the holy water, and tells her that she may enter heaven. At this time, the third and fourth nurse start fighting each other and the fourth nurse tries to be next in line. St. Peter asks, "Why are you two fighting?" The fourth nun replies, "If you think that I am gargling that holy water after she sits in it, you are crazy!"


A sausage factory explodes...

And one of the sausages hits a wandering angel. Puzzled by the object he goes to saint Peter and asks:

"Hey, Peter you have knowledge about the world of men , can you tell me what this is?" Saint Peter takes the sausage , he looks at it for a while, tastes it, smells it and shurgs his shoulders. "Take it to Virgin Mary she has lived in the world bellow more than any of us "

So the angel goes to the Blessed Virgin Mary and asks her to explain the obscure object. She takes it and looks at it for hours, then tastes it and smells it; finally she says:

"I have no ideea what this is, but it sure looks like the Holy Spirit!"


Four nuns in die in a traffic accident.

As they approach the gates of heaven they are welcomed by Saint Peter. He held a grail filled with holy water. "Before you enter the gates you must confess your biggest sin." he said.

The first one approached. "I've been looking at the male genitals." She said. Saint Peter told her to wash her eyes in the holy water. After she was cleansed she went trough the gates into heaven.

The second nun came forward and confessed: "I have pleased the male genitals with my hands." Saint Peter comforted her, let her wash her hands and she was free to enter heaven.

Suddenly the nun who stood last in line skipped forward. Saint Peter was shocked. "Why do you skip in line before your sister?" he asked. The nun replied: "Let me at least wash my mouth before she dips her ass in the grail."


How come when I find a stray dog, take it home, and give it a bath everyone calls me a saint...

...but when I do it with a kid everyone just calls me a priest?


Why can Saint Nicolas never be prosecuted?

Because of the Santa Clause


Who's the nicest player in the NFL?

Drew Brees. The guy's a saint.


St. Peter...

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two young blacks from da hood
arrive wearing dark hoodies and sagging pants.

St. Peter looks out through the Gates and said, "Wait here, I'll be right back."

St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.

God says to Peter, "How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here.
This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to the Pearly Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh.
He returns to God's chambers and says, "Well, they're gone."

"The guys wearing the hoodies?" asked God.

"No. The Pearly Gates."


What do you call Santa with no pants on?

Saint Nickerless!


St. Patricks Day

Whenever people pinch me on Saint Patricks Day, I punch them.
Because whatever you do with "I" I do with "U"


For the Day that's in it: What did Saint Patrick say as he drove the snakes out of Ireland?

Are ye alright in the back there lads?


My favorite church joke.

A Presbyterian Minister, an Episcopal Priest and a Baptist Minister and their wives all decide to take a cruise together. Everyone is having a wonderful time until a freak storm happens, the boat sinks and they all drown. The next moment they are standing before Saint Peter the pearly gates and he calls the Presbyterian Minister and his wife forward...
"I am sorry," says Saint Peter, "I cannot let you into the Gates of Heaven for you were too preoccupied with food... I know this because your wife's name is Candy."
The Episcopal Priest and his wife step forward.
"I am sorry," says Saint Peter, "I cannot let you into the Gates of Heaven for you were too preoccupied with money... I know this because your wife's name is Penny."
The Baptist Minister gets a panicked look on his face, turns to his wife and says, "Oh no Fanny, I think we're in trouble."



You've read some of the best saint jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty saint gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these saint jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

Can I save Saint jokes? You can do this from the Joko Jokes iPhone app. It is available for free download from the Apple App Store. Like your favorite jokes so we can rank them by their likes count. Every thumb matters for Joko Jokes' rankings.

How to share a Saint joke? You are free to share every Saint joke found on, share it on Facebook, Twitter or by email and have fun with friends and family.