Ridiculous Sailor Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter
Did you hear about the sailor that was turned into a pumpkin pie?
He's now a squashbuckling pirate
So there's this man with a parrot.
And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a p**.... He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the t**..., shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
A sailor gets shore leave after 4 months at sea, and goes into a bar
He says to the bartender, "Man, I want to have s**... in the worst way!"
The bartender replies, "How about standing up in a hammock, during a rainstorm?"
So a man who had been stranded on an island 7 years was finally rescued...
as the ship was pulling away from the island one of his rescuers was looking back at the island and noticed three huts on the beach. Curious, he asked the castaway what they were for. "Well" he replied "the first one there was my house and that one over there is my church" "and the other?" asked the sailor. "Oh that...thats the church I used to go to"
Why did the sailor ground his son?
His grades were below sea level
^^im ^^so ^^sorry
An old sailor decides to get in uniform and hit the "red light" district, for one last good time...
He finds himself a willing "date", and after a bit of haggling, the price is settled on, and the transaction is made. After about 10 minutes, he asks the lady, "How am I doin', honey?" The p**... replies, "About 3 knots, sailor... you're not hard, you're not in, and you're not gettin' your money back."
Two Russian sailors decide to quit drinking,
but they still have a bottle of v**... left, and they refuse to let it go to waste, so one says:" Anatoli, i shall hold the bottle in one hand behind my back, if you can guess which one, we will drink it, if not, i will throw it overboard." They agree on this. The first sailor hides the bottle, the second guesses:"Left!"
"Keep guessing, Anatoli, keep guessing."
A thirsty sailor runs from his boat to the nearest bar and shouts to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!"
The bartender pours out the shots, and the sailor drinks them as fast as he can.
The bartender is very impressed and exclaims, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast."
The sailor replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too, if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "Oh? What do you have?"
"Fifty cents!"
A sailor walked into my bar. "What can I get you?" I asked.
Why are sailors so impatient when they get on land?
Because they're tired of waiting in the rhumb line.
A Spanish-speaking sailor met Poseidon and asked the God of the Water if he was wet all the time?
Poseidon: "Sea, SeΓ±or!"
You can explore sailor castaway reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean sailor deployment dad jokes. There are also sailor puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Sailors really want to be cool.
But they're just naut.
A sailor is being asked by a reporter
"Was there ever a situation in your voyages when you were afraid?"
"Yeah, once we were transporting a container of 500.000 dolls. A storm just started and the ship leaned hard on its side. At that moment all the dolls cried "MAMA"...That's when I s**... myself with fear."
Why do sailors use liquid soap?
It takes longer to pick up when they drop it.
What did the sailor say about Pirates of the Caribbean
It's see-worthy
How does a sailor remove a c**...?
He farts
How well did the sailor do in school?
Not bad actually, he got high 'C's.
There was a sailor on a ship that was discovered to be gay.
When the others found out they tossed him off.
How did the sailor deal with the death of his friend?
He sent out a message in remorse code.
Manatees
A Spanish sailor and a French sailor are talking at a port bar together. The French sailor tells the Spanish sailor that he's been hearing stories of mermaids from the English sailors. The Spanish sailor says that mermaids are just a myth and the English just mistook manatees for mermaids. The French sailor asks how could you mistake a manatee for a mermaid? The Spanish sailor responds "Have you seen English women?"
A man is found alone on a deserted island
The sailor who found him saw three huts that were built by the man.
The sailor asks, "What's that first hut?"
"Oh, that's my house!", replied the man.
"And the second?", the sailor asked again.
"That's my church where I worship!", the man said.
"So, what does that make the third?"
"Oh, that's where I used to go to church."
Why I Joined the Air Force
The DOD was conducting an all service briefing and the leader posed this question.
What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?
A sailor said, I'd step on it.
A soldier said, I'd squash it with my boot.
A marine said, I'd catch it, break the stinger off, and eat it.
An Airman said. I'd call room service and find out why there's a tent in my room.
How did the sailor stranded on an island with a calendar survive a year?
Eating the dates and Sundays.
Only 1700's sailors will get this...
Scurvy
A priest, a nun and a sailor walks into a bar
The bartender says: "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
What do you call a r**... sailor?
Nautistic
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
A sailor once asked me if I knew the difference between port and starboard.
I said, "No. I've never drank any starboard".
Why do sailors take storm warnings seriously?
They're for boating.
My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.
They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."
Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.
Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.
Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.
Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.
Did you hear about the world's smallest sailor?
He fell asleep on his watch.
A sailor is stranded on a desert island with nothing but palm fronds and sea anemones to live off. Finally when he was recused the rescuers asked why was he covered in anemones with a ring of palm fronds in arms reach. He replies, 'I keep my fronds close but my anemones closer'.
'With fronds like that, who needs anemones?'
Say, sailor...
Say, sailor, nice earrings! How much were they?
"$2"
Not bad for a buccaneer.
If I were a sailor, I think I'd be pretty bad at puns...
Knot!
After spending 90 days in the Persian Gulf, a sailor goes to complain to his master chief.
"Chief, I joined the Navy to see the world." The master chief replies, "Sailor, the Earth is 75 percent water. The navy showed you that, if you want to see the other 25 percent, join the army."ο»Ώ
Help! I need activity suggestions. I'm going to hang out with my father, first thing tomorrow morning. He's a retired Naval officer and an alcoholic.
What do you do with a drunken sailor, early in the morning??
Sailor with a Small Head
One day, a man sees a sailor walking around, and he notices that the sailor has a very small head.
The man asks the sailor, "Why is your head so small?" The sailor replies, "When I was sailing, I saw a beautiful mermaid, and she said she would grant me one wish. And you know what, I thought about it for a while, until a brilliant idea struck. I went over to the mermaid, and asked, 'How about a little head?'"
Sailor and s**... ed class
The s**... ed instructor asked the class, "How many s**... positions do you know?" An old sailor in the back of the class raised his hand and shouted, "Thirty-nine, thirty-nine, thirty-nine!" The instructor ignored the old salt and called on a young man near the front. The young man replied, "Well, just one. You know: man on top, woman on bottom." The old sailor in back started shouting, "Forty, forty, forty!"
What do you call it when a sailor loses his virginity?
First mate.
Fun fact: Popeye the Sailor Man isn't actually all that strong by Danish or Norwegian standards...
... but he's strong to the Finnish!
Once a ship got stuck in the ocean.
A sailor comes to the captain and asks:
-Captain, do you know where are we heading?
-Off course, my boy!
Two sailors where trading jokes on a submarine.
One of them says, this is the best joke ever: A bus driver drove into a nun and then starts laughing hysterically.
Confused, the other sailor asked, how is that even funny?
The other sailor says it's not, but on this sub it is
I love pirating music!
"What Should We Do with a Drunken Sailor?" is my all-time favorite song
A carpenter, a tailor, a sailor, a priest and an economist were stranded on a desert island.
"I could chop down the trees and make a raft." Says the carpenter.
"I can stitch a few sheets into a mast."
Says the tailor.
"I can navigate the oceans with the help of the stars."
Says the sailor.
"I will pray for favourable winds and good luck."
Says the the priest.
All they needed now was to chop down a tree to make the raft.
"That's easy," says the economist. "Let's assume an axe."
Why can't sailors get fat?
Because of those darned pie rates.
Two sailors were chatting
One says "We'll soon arrive at Port. I can't wait to make love to my lady, it's been so long."
The other one asks "Yeah, me too. Say, have you ever made love to your love in the other hole?"
"No, are you crazy? I don't wanna make her pregnant"
One day a sailor gets on his boat named the SS s**... whale
He notices several people looking at him wondering about the name of his boat. He decides to dispel their confusion and spreads his arms wide then says,
Hey guys! Whalecum!
So i know a guy who used to be a sailor.
Now he stays at home, and his wife seems to be discontent with him. So a few weeks ago, he got scurvy. I wondered, "what could possibly give him scurvy? He can just go to the store to get some produce! He's probably got food at home!"
Turns out he was trapped in a fruitless marriage.
A bunch of sailors on a boat want to have a smoke, but don't have any matches.
So one sailor throws one of his cigarettes overboard, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Why did the sailors dog hide below deck?
Because it was afraid if ruff seas.
What happens to a sailor who stands too far aft?
He gets a stern warning.
A sailor and his friend are talking on his recent success.
The friend asks, how did you get so many c**...?
The sailor responds: mermaids
It's National Talk Like A Pirate Day; so what did one sailor say to the other when he yelled 'Land Ahoy!'
arrr ye shore
How does a sailor keep his Captain happy?
With a handful of s**....
Why did the sailor quit his acting career?
Because he wasn't landing any good roles.
Why couldn't the sailors play cards
Because they were standing on the deck
Retired Sailor
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old time's sake. He hires a p**... and takes her up to the room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doing?" The p**... says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"How's that?" he asks. She says, "You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back."
Why did the sailor find it hard to learn the alphabet?
Because he spent years at C.
What do you get when you have s**... with a dirty sailor?
Dishonorable discharge
Two sailors are on deck looking out to sea.
In the distance, a huge hand rises from the water.
It keeps rising as the wrist and forearm become visible, the fingers stretching into the air. It wobbles back and forward then falls, crashing into the sea.
One sailor turns to the other and asks, 'Did you see the size of that wave?
A sailor comes back one morning after a long time at sea
His best buddy died on the ship, so he goes announcing the news, first thing, to his widow. One thing led to another and they are starting to undress, but she suddenly stares at him and stops, asking:
-Why are you only half mast?
-It's mourning wood
What did the sailor say to the p**...?
Land h**...!
A drunken sailor gives a h**... $200, and they proceed to a back bedroom...
After a few minutes, the sailor asks, "How'm I doin'?"
"About three knots," says the h**....
"Three knots?" asks the sailor. "Whaddya mean?"
And the h**... says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."
A sailor walks into a bar
The barkeep asks, "How did you end up with that peg leg?"
And the pirate replies, "A cannon ball blasted out the deck and took me leg with it."
"Why do you have that hook?"
"Arrrgh! We was looting a ship and lost me hand in a sword fight."
"And the eye patch?"
"I looked up at a seagull and blimey, the scalliwag crapped right in me eye."
"You lost your eye from bird p**...?"
"It was me first day with the hook."
it was during my naval career, I walked into another seedy bar
In another seedy port. I ordered a drink. A p**... sidles up to me and says " Hey sailor, do you want to try something new". I replied, "how, do you have leprosy?"
What do you do with a drunken sailor?
Well that depends, is it early in the morning or not?
Did you hear about the sailor who turned into a pumpkin pie?
He's a squashbuckling pirate
A shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island, completely alone.
Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out towards him.
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him: The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued.
Where do sailors go when they feel sick?
The docktor!
What do you call a sailor who likes to get t**... and gagged during s**...?
A submarine
Two sailors are on shore leave. They have a few drinks and decide to go to a variety show. At the intermission one of them needs to pee and asks directions from the usher. Go through the exit, turn left along the corridor, turn first right, then left, then right again, he says.
The sailor follows the directions with some difficulty, relieves himself, and eventually finds his way back to his seat. You missed the best act, says his friend. While you were gone a sailor came on-stage and p**... into the orchestra pit.
What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?
Don't let him drive that cargo freighter,
don't let him steer that cargo freighter,
don't let him near that cargo freighter,
early in the morning.
A sailor and a marine walk into a bathroom at a bar
They both do their business, the sailor goes to wash his hands -- the marine heads to the door. The sailor sees this and says "You know, in the NAVY they taught us to wash our hands after we use the bathroom". The marine looks back at him and says "Oh yeah? Well, in the marines they taught us not to p**... on our hands"
What is the favorite boat of a sailor who really values the people in his life?
The friend ship
A 90 year old man goes to the doctor.
Full disclosure, I got this joke from Tom Jones on Marc Maron's w**... podcast today. Tom's 80, mentally spry like he's 30, and he swears like a sailor.
----
90 year old man goes to the doctor.
Says Doctor, it used to be that I'd get these erections so hard that I couldn't even bend them with two hands! 16, 17, 18 years old, all through my twenties... 30, I could bend a little bit, 40s a little bit more. 50s and 60s I'm getting it to about a 90 degree angle, and now I'm 90 I can bend it in half!
I'm getting stronger, right?"
A soldier, airman, marine, and a sailor walk into a bar...
The soldier boasts, "Our camouflage is so good, we put 50 men in the desert and only 20 were found."
The airman retorts, "That's nothing. Our camouflage is so effective, we put 50 jets in the sky, and only 15 were found!"
The marine says, with a big grin, "Amateurs, our camouflage is so superior, we put 50 devil dogs in the jungle, and only 10 were found!"
Finally, a clearly distraught sailor on his 6th shot of whiskey says, "Our camouflage was so terrible, we pushed 50 sailors into the ocean, and only 5 were found."
Washing hands
(Joke was funnier before covid)
A soldier and a sailor are at a bar near where they are both stationed. They are standing next to each other at urinals and the soldier gets done first and washes his hands. The sailor gets done and goes right toward the door instead of washing his hands
Soldier: hey sailor, in boot camp they taught us we need to wash our hands when we get done in the bathroom
Sailor: in boot camp they taught us not to pee on ourselves
Get me my Red Shirt"!
A navy captain is alerted by his First Mate that there is a pirate ship coming towards his position. He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt.
The captain was asked, Why do you need a red shirt?
The Captain replies, So that when I bleed, you guys don't notice and aren's discouraged. They fight off the pirates eventually.
The very next day, the Captain is alerted that 50 pirate ships are coming towards their boat. He yells, Get me my brown pants!
Did you know that Popeye the Sailor Man doesn't seem strong to the Swedes and the Norwegians?
He is, however, strong to the Finnish.
A Ukrainian sailor was drilling holes in a Russian oligarch's yacht...
A police officer approaches the sailor and asks him what he is doing.
The sailor puts down the drill and says, "Oh, me? Uhhhm... as a matter of fact, I am here to bless the ship."
The police officer looks skeptical, "You're here to bless the ship?"
"Yes, that's right! I am making it very holy."
A sailor walks into bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Where'd you get that?"
The parrot answers, "Down at the Naval Base - They're *everywhere*!"
Why did the sailor get a promotion when he went to the restroom?
Because he became a loo tenant.
I've invented a new talent contest where you have to dress up as a sailor and eat as much spinach as fast as possible.
I'm going to call it Popeyedol.
What do you call a sailor who'll never let you see him cry?
... A private-tear.
An English sailor just off the coast of Germany discovers that his boat is taking on water.
Alarmed, he calls the German coastguard by radio: "Hello coastguard, I'm sinking, I'm sinking!"
There is a pause for a few seconds, before the coastguard replies, "OK ... Vat are you sinking about?"
An old sailor once told me you could hear the calm before the storm.
He said it sounded like a C flat.
What did the sailor say when he saw your mom?
LAND h**...
Why did the sailor ground his son?
Because his grades were below sea level
