Sailing Jokes
85 sailing jokes and hilarious sailing puns to laugh out loud. Read sport jokes about sailing that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Need a good laugh? Look no further than these sailing jokes! Perfect for a sailing birthday, club party, or just to make your captain smile, these sailing jokes are sure to be a hit. From sunk boats to dinghies and docks, these sailing jokes will leave you in stitches!
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Funniest Sailing Short Jokes
Short sailing jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sailing humour may include short cruise jokes also.
- I bought a sail for my boat on amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late. That sail has shipped.
- The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!
- carnival is offering a new voyage where you set sail and leave a bunch of senior citizens behind in the snow. It's called a Ted Cruise
- While sailing, I had trouble navigating the waters between Russia and Alaska. I couldn't get my bearings straight.
- Olympic Results for Sailing are out: The British have taken the Gold medal.
The French have taken the Silver medal.
The Somalians have taken the boats. - My husband told me I could choose the name he'd paint on the back of his new boat with the condition it be nautical themed. So I named it... For sail.
- What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.
- My wife didn't finish her morse code lessons before going sailing. She seems to alright though she keeps sending me messages to send her an SMS but I haven't got a reply yet.
- I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared. I thought, "Thats the biggest wave I've ever seen."
- Somalis at the Olympics... The Somalian Olympic Committee issued an official apology earlier in the week, after realising that sailing and shooting are separate events.
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Sailing One Liners
Which sailing one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with sailing? I can suggest the ones about yacht and ship.
- Alright guys, the Suez Canal jokes are getting a bit old now. That ship has sailed.
- I started a boat business in the attic. The sails are going through the roof
- Why is a pirate a marketing-employee? Because he works'n'sails
- How did the pirate afford such a big boat? It was on sail.
- Why don't the Jedi have a navy? Because sailing is a path to the dockside.
- My Devil worshipping brother just got a new row boat... He christened it Sail Hatin'
- I used to have such a bad fear of boats Luckily, that ship has sailed.
- I'm selling boats out of my attic And my Sails are through the roof
- I was gonna post a joke about the Suez Canal But that ship has sailed
- I recently became the owner of a house boat dealership The sails went through the roof
- How did the pirate get his Jolly Roger flag on the cheap? He bought it on sail.
- How do you sell a ship with a broken mast? Promote a half-off sail.
- Where do Mathematicians sail? Indices.
- Why did the man buy a boat? It was on sail.
- What is a pirate's favorite part about business? The sails!
Sailing Captain Jokes
Here is a list of funny sailing captain jokes and even better sailing captain puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A down on his luck shipwright is spending his day at the port when he sees a ship, with a damaged mast. What does he tell the captain? Anything to make a sail.
- I Didn't realise the ship I sailing on was a gay cruise.. until the captain introduced himself as The rear admiral
Sailing Club Jokes
Here is a list of funny sailing club jokes and even better sailing club puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Don't bother entering the sail-raising contest at the boat club. It's rigged.
Hilarious Sailing Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
What funny jokes about sailing you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean boat jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sailing pranks.
Whats the best profession to have for dating?
Arctic sailing, since its always handy for icebreakers.
The Fearsome Pirate
The most fearsome pirate captain on the seven seas is sailing through the Bermuda Triangle when suddenly his first mate comes up next to him and says "Sir, one of the King's ships has been sighted over the horizon. They're armed and we should be ready for battle."
The captain turns around and replies "Aye, thank you matey. Ready the cannons and bring me my red jacket."
The first mate is confused and asks the captain why he needs a red jacket. The captain replies "Arr, if I am shot and the crew sees that I'm bleeding they're liable to be afraid."
The first mate admires the captain's bravery, so he goes off to the captain's quarters to fetch his jacket. Once he comes above deck to find the captain, however, he realizes that just visible on the horizon is an enormous armada of ships - hundreds and hundreds of Royal Navy vessels coming towards them from every possible direction. They are completely surrounded.
The captain whispers to him:
"Aye, matey, find me brown pants."
I was on vacation in Tahiti and decide to go for a one day boat trip
The skipper was sailing along islands when I saw on a really tiny one a man with a long beard, torn-down clothes and no shoes waving at us, screaming. He was very, very far and I didn't understand a word he was saying. I asked the skipper:
- Who is this guy?
- Dunno, he have been there for six months, waves at me every day.
A pirate ship is sailing across the Atlantic..
When suddenly the lookout shouts, "Enemy ship heading our way!" The captain, as soon as he hears this, tells his first mate to go grab his red coat.
After they defeated the enemy, his first mate asks what the red coat was for. The captain responds, "Whenever I go into battle with my crew, I don't want them to lose morale by seeing my blood stain me, so I wear this coat to hide my wounds from them."
The next day the lookout warns them, "There's a fleet of five enemy ships heading our way!"
Upon hearing this, the captain tells his first mate to grab his brown pants.
Pirate captain and his clothing
This Pirate Captain is sailing his boat when he sees a merchant ship he wishes to raid. He know a battle will ensue so he tells his first mate, "First mate, fetch me my red shirt." The first mate gives a funny look, fetches the shirt then asks, "Sir, tell me, why a red shirt?" The captain replies, "For morale. When the battle ensues people will be hurt. So, if I am hurt and bleed, my blood will be concealed by the shirt so the crew's morale will not be lowered as their captain dies." The first mate thought it was genious. So the battle happend and no casualties. The Captain raids more ships with his red shirt until one day he comes upon the Spanish Armada. He looks to his first mate and says, "Bring me my brown pants!"
Soiled Pirate
There once was a noble Pirate who had a very mighty crew.
One day, they spotted an enemy ship coming towards them when they were sailing.
The Pirate said "YOU! Go get me red shirt!"
So the young and rising Pirate did as the captain had said.
Then a fierce battle took place between the two ships, with the red-shirted Pirate and his crew standing tall.
Then one Pirate asked the captain "Sir, why do ye always wear a red shirt into battle?"
The captain replied "Because if I get shot the blood will not show and will not scare the courage out of me crew."
Days passed. Then one morning a young Pirate shouted from the top of the mast "SIR! 7 ENEMY SHIPS ON THE HORIZON!"
The captain then turned to another young, rising Pirate and said:
"Aye, go fetch me red shirt... and me brown pants too..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A preacher…
…was asked to give a talk at a woman's health symposium. His wife asked about the topic, but he was too embarrassed to admit that he had been asked to speak about s**.... Thinking quickly, he replied, "I'm talking about sailing."
"Oh, that's nice," said his wife.
The next day, at the grocery store, a young woman who had attended the lecture recognized the minister's wife.
"That was certainly an excellent talk your husband gave yesterday," she said. "He really has a unique perspective on the subject."
Somewhat surprised, the minister's wife replied, "Gee, funny you should think so. I mean, he's only done it twice. The first time he threw up, and the second time his hat blew off."
A captain of a pirate ship is sailing the high seas...
when he encounters another ship. A fight breaks out amongst the two ships and the captain requests that his first mate fetch him his lucky red shirt. The captain leads his crew to victory, and after the fight, the first mate mentions that it must have been because of the lucky red shirt. The captain speaks up and says "No matey, I wear this shirt to hide the bloodstains so you will all keep fighting instead of tending to me". A few days later, the ship encounters the Black Pearl, the mightiest ship of the seas. The first mate asks the captain if he'd like his lucky red shirt. He replies "No matey, fetch me my brown pants".
I don't see how flight MH370 sunk.
When it hit the water it would have been plane sailing.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
4 men on a sinking boat
On a trip to the sea, an American, a Russian, a Mexican and an Irishman were sailing on the boat. In the middle of the rough ocean, the boat, unable to carry so much weight, started to sink.
"We have to do something!" yelled the Russian man. "Let us each throw some of our things off the boat to reduce our total weight." He went to his backpack of v**..., grabbed it, and tossed it off the boat. "We got so much v**... back in Mother Russia, a little v**... gone won't change anything!"
The Irishman followed suit. He grabbed his barrel of booze and rolled it off the boat. "We got so much liquor back in Ireland, a little liquor gone won't change anything!"
The American pushed the Mexican off the boat.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the pirate say as he was sailing through Jamaica?
"X marks the p**..., matey."
An admiral is sailing a ship...
and ahead of him, spots an incoming light. He radios the light, commanding, "Turn 10 degrees South to avoid a collision course." The radio squawked, "No, you are to turn 10 degrees South." This exchange happens about 3 or 4 more times until finally, the admiral yells into the radio, saying, "Do you know who you are talking to? I AM AN ADMIRAL OF THE UNITED STATES NAVY!"
The radio says back, "Well, you're talking to the lighthouse."
I'm feeling confident about my new business selling amphibious aircraft...
It's going to be plane sailing!
I was sailing a yacht with my stomach,
abseiling
Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf.
Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips onto the green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the water trap but still lands in the water. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.
The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But just before it lands in the water a fish jumps out of the water and catches the ball in his mouth, then an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws, then the eagle flies over the green and is hit by a sudden bolt lightning and the eagle drops the fish.
When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of his mouth and rolls in for a hole in one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around we won't bring you next time!"
What did the pilot say after crashing into the ocean?
Looks like it's plane sailing from here.
I tried to get team shirts for a sailing camp I'm going on
But I just couldn't get the idea to stay afloat
Three childhood friends sign up for the army
And it's their first day, time for assignments.
The drill Sergeant asks the first one. "WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO?"
"I like to go sailing!" he replied.
"OK, YOU ARE NOW IN CHARGE OF BOATS!"
The second friend stood up for his turn, and was asked the same question. "I like to fly..."
"OK YOU ARE NOW IN CHARGE OF OUR PLANES!"
The third friend came up and was once again asked what he liked to do. However, he had a stutter so all he could say was "I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I"...
The drill sergeant looks at him and replies, "OK, YOU ARE NOW IN CHARGE OF THE MACHINE GUNS!"
Olympic Sailing results are in!
denmark have taken gold
Finland have taken silver
Somalia have taken a middle aged couple who were on a worldwide cruise
Olympic results are out finally
Sailing results:
GB have taken Gold.
Denmark Silver.
And Somalia has taken a middle aged couple sailing round the World.
My friend was really interested in learning to sail
But he wasn't sure if he should do it. When he asked me if he should actually get into sailing, I simply replied, "Whatever floats your boat."
Wife asks why I'm packing condoms
Wife asks: "Why are you packing condoms for a sailing trip with 10 guys?" I'm saying "Just in case." Now I'm traveling with a bigger case.
A jumbo jet ditches into the caribbean
It was plane sailing from then on
At first I found flying a Boeing 747 on top of water hard
But soon after it was plane sailing.
I've never gone sailing before, but I want to sail around the world one day...
I have a yacht to learn before my trip.
Did you hear about the chilli farmer who tried sailing?
He kept capsaicin'
What does the Captian of the cruise ship say when you aks him "Are we sailing the wrong direction?"
"Off course"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman goes on a vacation by herself to a beach resort in Kenya.
She takes up sailing with this very handsome young instructor and sparks are soon flying between the two. The inevitable happened and the sailing instructor spent every single night in the woman's hotel room making passionate love to her.
On her last day the woman says to the instructor: "It's really strange, we've been together all that time and I forgot to ask your name."
"Snow", says the instructor.
The woman starts laughing.
"What's so funny?", says the instructor.
"Wait 'til I tell all my friends that I got nine inches of snow every day while I was in Kenya!"
Did you hear about the band of roving pirate toddlers?
They spend their days sailing the Hi-C
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call s**... after a period?
Sailing the Red Sea.
What do you call s**... after an abortion?
Sailing the Dead Sea.
What's the difference between a beard and an 18th century sailing vessel?
One's coarse hair; the other's a corsair.
Sailor with a Small Head
One day, a man sees a sailor walking around, and he notices that the sailor has a very small head.
The man asks the sailor, "Why is your head so small?" The sailor replies, "When I was sailing, I saw a beautiful mermaid, and she said she would grant me one wish. And you know what, I thought about it for a while, until a brilliant idea struck. I went over to the mermaid, and asked, 'How about a little head?'"
Some pirates are sailing off the coast of Madagascar
The captain points to the shore and says to his first mate:
"Do you see those crazy looking lemur things?"
To which the first mate replied:
"Aye aye, I eye aye-aye"
A US Ship was sailing through dense fog when it sees another light....
US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.
CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!
US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA*, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!
CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Our sailing trip in Maine was going great...
until we were capsized by Augusta wind.
Why do you never hear a sailor counting to 10?
Because they're more interested in fishing, sailing etc./ No pragmatic function for that distinct linguistic utility.
Was talking to a friend about sailing
And he said today is going to be 15 knots, I replied that's probably enough to tie a boat down
Two chili peppers were sailing a boat in the ocean. What did one say to the other when they hit a iceberg and started to sink?
We're capsaicin!
What do you call a group of guys, sailing the sea, singing about looting and stealing?
21 pirates.
A school teacher in Hyderabad was once asked, "Can you make a sentence without using 'E'?"
"I doubt I can. It's a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It's as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would I gain? An award? A cash bonus? Bragging rights? Why should I strain my brain? It's not worth it."
Exhausted, we'd been sailing for mainland Alaska for days when I was sure we spotted it ...
Alas, it was just an Aleutian
An Egyptian man was sailing down a river
When his boat started to leak. He kept on rowing further down the river, whilst more and more water started to pour in. The man ignored the problem and just continued to sail down the river. Eventually his boat was nearly fully submerged and it quickly started to sink. The man refused to come to terms with his situation and just kept trying to row down the river.
He was in de Nile
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A group of men are out sailing when they decide to see what the chef is cooking for dinner.
They walk in and, being that he doesn't have a rolling pin, see him flattening biscuits with his armpit.
That's disgusting! o**... says to the other.
Yeah, well you should see how he makes donuts!
A pirate joke:
A pirate ship is sailing the sea when suddenly 2 British ships surround it. The captain shouts "bring me my red shirt" the pirates win and continue sailing
Later, 5 British ships surround the pirates ship. The captain yells again "bring me my red shirt" the fight is tough but the pirates win.
Then one of the crew members asks the captain "why do you always ask for your red shirt before battle?"
The captain answers
" so the ship's crew can't see the blood of my wounds, that way they are not demoralized".
Afterwards 15 British ships surround the pirate ship, and the captain yells
"bring me my brown pants"
A married couple and their two kids were out sailing...
when the father looked and saw a terrible storm brewing on the horizon. The situation was a bit four boating.
How long would you be sailing if you were to sail 220 yards at a speed of one nautical mile an hour?
Knot furlong.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the nun go to confession after sailing?
The boat was full of s**....
Why did the depressed ship stop sailing?
It ran out of self-eSTEAM.
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton go sailing on Atlantic Ocean. The ship sinks. Who dies? Who survives?
Both die. USA citizens survive.
Me and my cat are going sailing...
We're taking a catamaran
What do we say to the god of sailing?
Knot today.
A ship sailing past a remote island spots a man who had been stranded there for several years.
The captain goes to shore and notices three huts.
What's the first hut for? He asks?
That's my house says the castaway.
what's the second hut for?
That's my church.
And the third?
Oh, that? That's the church I used to go to.
A mysterious force drug a pirate ship closer to the Bermuda Triangle, alarming the captain.
The captain asked the lookout in the the crow's nest what he saw.
The lookout replied, "Captain, we be sailing tangent to stormy seas. It be a sine the secant be good."
The captain responded, "Aye, the sea put this here crew in a triggy situation."
Thought I'd try translating a joke. Two foreigners are sailing to America for work.
Upon getting off the boat at the dock, one notices a hotdog stand. Sure, it sounds weird to them but they decide to try it.
As one unwraps the foil, he blushes and asks, Which part of the dog did you get?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I read a news story recently about a large group of secretive gay vigilantes who founded a temple to the god of sailing that moonlights as a b**... club.
The headline read
"Masked Masc for Masc Masses create Mast Mass for Masochists"
Olympic sailing competition just finished. France got the gold, South Africa got the silver, and ...
Somalia got the boat.
A pirate captain was sailing to Antarctica in search of treasure.
One morning, his first mate woke him.
Captain, the ship won't move! The ocean is frozen solid!
The pirate captain rose from his bed, yawned, and stretched. After a good scratch, he put on his boots and coat, and strode out of his quarters.
As he arrived at the bow of the ship, his men gathered around in nervous anticipation. He pulled out his pocket telescope and took a good, long look around the entire horizon. He collapsed his telescope, placed it back in his pocket, and clasped his hands behind his back. After some time, he tipped his head down toward his first mate and said:
Ice sea.
A British trawler is sailing off the coast of Germany when suddenly the ship starts taking in water.
The ship is sinking fast and the captain immediately gets on the radio to contact the German coast guard.
"Help!" he exclaims, "We're sinking! We're sinking!"
A hesistant voice comes from the radio. "Um...v-vot are you sinking about?"
Did you hear about the dog who owned a leaky three-masted sailing ship?
His barque was worse than his bite.
