Sailing Captain Jokes
29 sailing captain jokes and hilarious sailing captain puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sailing captain that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Sailing Captain Short Jokes
Short sailing captain jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sailing captain humour may include short sea captain jokes also.
- An english boat in german waters An english boat is sailing in German waters and the captain says to the coastguards "I'm sinking I'm sinking!". And the coastguard says "What are you sinking about?"
- A down on his luck shipwright is spending his day at the port when he sees a ship, with a damaged mast. What does he tell the captain? Anything to make a sail.
- I Didn't realise the ship I sailing on was a gay cruise.. until the captain introduced himself as The rear admiral
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Sailing Captain Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about sailing captain you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sailed jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sailing captain pranks.
A British trawler is sailing off the coast of Germany when suddenly the ship starts taking in water.
The ship is sinking fast and the captain immediately gets on the radio to contact the German coast guard.
"Help!" he exclaims, "We're sinking! We're sinking!"
A hesistant voice comes from the radio. "Um...v-vot are you sinking about?"
A ship is sailing through the sea...
passing by a small island and watches a man screaming and shouting.
A passenger asks the captain:
- Who is he?
- We don't know, he gets crazy every year we pass here.
A cruise ship is sailing in the Caribbean..
The cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man with an eyepatch running around and waving his arms wildly.
Captain, one passenger asks, who is that man over there?
I have no idea, the captain says, but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.
A ship was sailing in the middle of the ocean....
A storm was developing in the distance. As the storm raged, the captain realised the ship was sinking fast.
He called out loud, "Anyone here knows how to pray?"
A man proudly raised his hand and came forward, "Aye Captain, I know how to pray."
The Captain replied, "Great, you keep praying while the rest of us put our life jackets on.......we are short of one!"
Captain Stutteter
There was once a pirate known as Captain Stutteter. One day he said to his crewmates.
"W-when I I I s-s-Say S-Sh-Shore! Eve-everybody jump offboard!"
Hours passed as they sailed the sea while Captain Stutteter scrutinized around with his spyglass. Then he shouted:
"SH-SH!"
All the crew jumped offboard.
"SH-SHARK! SHAAAARK!!"
A ship sailing past a remote island spots a man who had been stranded there for several years.
The captain goes to shore and notices three huts.
What's the first hut for? He asks?
That's my house says the castaway.
what's the second hut for?
That's my church.
And the third?
Oh, that? That's the church I used to go to.
A ship, sailing past a remote island, spots a man who has been stranded there for several years.
The captain goes ashore to rescue the man and notices three huts.
What's the first hut for? he asks.
That's my house, says the castaway.
What's the second hut for?
That's my church.
And the third hut?
Oh, that? sniffs the castaway. That's the church I used to go to.
Some pirates are sailing off the coast of Madagascar
The captain points to the shore and says to his first mate:
"Do you see those crazy looking lemur things?"
To which the first mate replied:
"Aye aye, I eye aye-aye"
A pirate captain was sailing to Antarctica in search of treasure.
One morning, his first mate woke him.
Captain, the ship won't move! The ocean is frozen solid!
The pirate captain rose from his bed, yawned, and stretched. After a good scratch, he put on his boots and coat, and strode out of his quarters.
As he arrived at the bow of the ship, his men gathered around in nervous anticipation. He pulled out his pocket telescope and took a good, long look around the entire horizon. He collapsed his telescope, placed it back in his pocket, and clasped his hands behind his back. After some time, he tipped his head down toward his first mate and said:
Ice sea.
The stranded man
A ship, sailing past a remote island, spots a man who has been stranded there for several years. The captain goes ashore to rescue the man and notices three huts.
What's the first hut for? he asks.
That's my house, says the castaway.
What's the second hut for?
That's my church.
And the third hut?
Oh, that? sniffs the castaway. That's the church I used to go to
A Russian submarine
A Russian submarine was sailing,and the captain felt a huge shake.Confused,he ran to Vladimir and asked him: "What was that,was it an earthquake or we hit something?",Vladimir said: "No Captain,Ivan's girlfriend ran with her lover to Venice", the captain even more confused says:Yeah,but what's the matter with that and the shake?Vladimir said:Well,there is no more Venice...
A mysterious force drug a pirate ship closer to the Bermuda Triangle, alarming the captain.
The captain asked the lookout in the the crow's nest what he saw.
The lookout replied, "Captain, we be sailing tangent to stormy seas. It be a sine the secant be good."
The captain responded, "Aye, the sea put this here crew in a triggy situation."
A pirate joke:
A pirate ship is sailing the sea when suddenly 2 British ships surround it. The captain shouts "bring me my red shirt" the pirates win and continue sailing
Later, 5 British ships surround the pirates ship. The captain yells again "bring me my red shirt" the fight is tough but the pirates win.
Then one of the crew members asks the captain "why do you always ask for your red shirt before battle?"
The captain answers
" so the ship's crew can't see the blood of my wounds, that way they are not demoralized".
Afterwards 15 British ships surround the pirate ship, and the captain yells
"bring me my brown pants"
A US Ship was sailing through dense fog when it sees another light....
US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.
CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!
US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA*, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!
CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
A schoolteacher quits his job to become a pirate...
In 18th century America, a schoolteacher decides that he's sick and tired of teaching spelling and grammar to children all day. So he quits his job, sells his house, and plans to become a pirate. He goes down the harbor to buy a boat and hire a crew. Once his crew is ready, they head out onto the high seas, with the captain/former teacher at the helm.
As they sail, they spy a merchant ship on the horizon and start chasing it. As they catch up, the captain tells the first mate to command the crew to start priming the cannons. The first mate sends the message down and the crew readies the cannonballs, prepares the gunpowder, and takes aim at the merchant ship. The first mate runs back up to the helm and says "captain, the cannons be ready!"
The captain turns to the first mate and says "are!"
So a three masted sailing ship is leaving port...
... just a day out of port the captain is standing on the deck when the lookout calls down "Sir! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!"
The captain turns to his cabin boy and shouts "Bring me my red shirt!"
After the cabin boy brings him the red shirt and he puts it on, the two ships close to fighting range and fight all day, with many heroics on both sides, but with the captain and his red shirt standing alive and victorious as the other ship sinks behind them in the sunset light.
Later that night the cabin boy is curious and asks the captain why he needed his red shirt, and the captain replies "Well, with my red shirt on, none of the men would see me bleeding if I was wounded, and so they would not lose heart and continue to fight on to victory!"
The cabin boy thinks that's pretty clever and goes to bed for the night.
The next day, the captain is standing on the deck as they sail along when the lookout shouts down "Sir! Twenty enemy ships on the horizon!"
And the captain turns to his cabin boy and says "Bring me my brown pants!"
A captain of a pirate ship is sailing the high seas...
when he encounters another ship. A fight breaks out amongst the two ships and the captain requests that his first mate fetch him his lucky red shirt. The captain leads his crew to victory, and after the fight, the first mate mentions that it must have been because of the lucky red shirt. The captain speaks up and says "No matey, I wear this shirt to hide the bloodstains so you will all keep fighting instead of tending to me". A few days later, the ship encounters the Black Pearl, the mightiest ship of the seas. The first mate asks the captain if he'd like his lucky red shirt. He replies "No matey, fetch me my brown pants".
Soiled Pirate
There once was a noble Pirate who had a very mighty crew.
One day, they spotted an enemy ship coming towards them when they were sailing.
The Pirate said "YOU! Go get me red shirt!"
So the young and rising Pirate did as the captain had said.
Then a fierce battle took place between the two ships, with the red-shirted Pirate and his crew standing tall.
Then one Pirate asked the captain "Sir, why do ye always wear a red shirt into battle?"
The captain replied "Because if I get shot the blood will not show and will not scare the courage out of me crew."
Days passed. Then one morning a young Pirate shouted from the top of the mast "SIR! 7 ENEMY SHIPS ON THE HORIZON!"
The captain then turned to another young, rising Pirate and said:
"Aye, go fetch me red shirt... and me brown pants too..."
A captain and his crew are standing on their boat...
...when suddenly another boat comes along, and they don't look too nice. "Get me my red shirt!", says the captain to one of the crew. "Why, sir?" the man responds. "Because if I get shot, they won't see the blood, because it will blend in with the shirt!" "Good idea, captain! I'll get the shirt right away!" Eventually, the violent-looking boat ends up sailing off, not being too violent after all. However, later that night, 5 boats, all armed with many cannons on their side, come to surround the captain's ship. "You there," the captain yells, "get me my brown pants!"
Brave Captain Smith
One fine day, brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue. Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull and crossbones raised on the mast. The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do.
Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said, "Bring me my red shirt." The call was taken up at once by a cabin boy. As soon as Captain Smith had the shirt in his possession, he ordered the man at the wheel to head straight for the pirate ship. In the ensuing fight, the pirate ship was all but destroyed.
The sailors were recounting their individual triumphs afterwards when someone asked Captain Smith why he had asked for his red shirt before the battle. He responded: "If I was wounded, I did not want your confidence to wane. This way, you would keep fighting no matter what happened to me."
The crew had a new found admiration for its captain, and they talked all night about his bravery. About a week later, there loomed on the horizon 10 pirate ships. Once again, the crew looked to its captain for leadership. Calmly, Captain Smith said, "Boys, bring me my brown pants!"
Pirate captain and his clothing
This Pirate Captain is sailing his boat when he sees a merchant ship he wishes to raid. He know a battle will ensue so he tells his first mate, "First mate, fetch me my red shirt." The first mate gives a funny look, fetches the shirt then asks, "Sir, tell me, why a red shirt?" The captain replies, "For morale. When the battle ensues people will be hurt. So, if I am hurt and bleed, my blood will be concealed by the shirt so the crew's morale will not be lowered as their captain dies." The first mate thought it was genious. So the battle happend and no casualties. The Captain raids more ships with his red shirt until one day he comes upon the Spanish Armada. He looks to his first mate and says, "Bring me my brown pants!"
The Captain
A long time ago there was this captain on his boat with his crew, sailing the high seas when they spotted a pirate ship. Before the battle began, the captain shouted, "Bring me my red shirt!" It was a long fight but the captain and his men were victorious. The next day three pirate ships appeared. The captain cried, "Bring me my red shirt!" and they proceeded to defeat the three pirate ships. Later on, as the crew was resting and tending to their wounds, an ensign asked the captain why he always wore that red shirt. The captain replied "I wear the red shirt so that if I'm wounded, no one will see the blood. That way everyone will continue to fight on unafraid." The crew was moved by this great display of courage.
The next day, ten pirate ships were spotted. The men looked to their captain, waiting for his command. Calm as ever, the captain cried out, "Bring me my brown pants."
Display of courage in House of Leaves.
From "Tom's Story", *House of Leaves*:
I call this "A Little Bedtime Story For Tom."
A long time ago, there was this captain and he was out sailing the high seas when one of his crew spotted a pirate ship on the horizon. Right before the battle began, the captain cried out, "Bring me my red shirt!" It was a long fight but in the end the captain and his crew were victorious.
The next day three pirate ships appeared. Once again the captain cried out, "Bring me my red shirt!" and once again the captain and his men defeated the pirates. That evening everyone was sitting around, resting, and taking care of their wounds, when an ensign asked the captain why he always put on his red shirt before battle. The captain calmly replied, "I wear the red shirt so that if I'm wounded, no one will see the blood. That way everyone will continue to fight on unafraid." All the men were moved by this great display of courage.
Well the next day, ten pirate ships were spotted. The men turned to their captain and waited for him to give his usual command. Calm as ever, the captain cried out, "Bring me my brown pants."
A pirate ship is sailing across the Atlantic..
When suddenly the lookout shouts, "Enemy ship heading our way!" The captain, as soon as he hears this, tells his first mate to go grab his red coat.
After they defeated the enemy, his first mate asks what the red coat was for. The captain responds, "Whenever I go into battle with my crew, I don't want them to lose morale by seeing my blood stain me, so I wear this coat to hide my wounds from them."
The next day the lookout warns them, "There's a fleet of five enemy ships heading our way!"
Upon hearing this, the captain tells his first mate to grab his brown pants.
A pirate walks into a bar one day...
...And he sees his old captain sitting down having a drink. So he goes up to say hello and catch up, but he notices that his old captain looks a little different. So he goes over to talk to him. "Captain," he says, "I haven't seen you in years. It's good to see you, but man, you look a little different. I notice that you have a wooden leg! What happened?"
"Gyarr," says the captain, "You be correct. Ya see during a fearsome storm, a huge wave hit me boat, and my leg got trapped under a chain, and ripped it off, so I had to get this here peg leg."
"Wow" says the pirate. "That's terrible. But what happened to your hand? You have a hook now!"
"Gyarr," says the captian, "You be correct. Ya see I was captured by the enemy one day, and they were forcin me to walk the plank, but I turned back and tried to escape, and they cut me hand off, and I had to get this here hook."
Wincing, the pirate says "Christ! Now what happened to your eye? You have a glass eye now."
"Gyarr," says the captain, "You be correct. Well, as I was sailing the sea one day, I happened to look up, and a seagull pooped right in my eye."
Confused, the pirate responds "Well, captain, that sounds bad, but that wouldn't make you lose your eye."
"True," pines the captain, "But it was the first day with me hook."
The Fearsome Pirate
The most fearsome pirate captain on the seven seas is sailing through the Bermuda Triangle when suddenly his first mate comes up next to him and says "Sir, one of the King's ships has been sighted over the horizon. They're armed and we should be ready for battle."
The captain turns around and replies "Aye, thank you matey. Ready the cannons and bring me my red jacket."
The first mate is confused and asks the captain why he needs a red jacket. The captain replies "Arr, if I am shot and the crew sees that I'm bleeding they're liable to be afraid."
The first mate admires the captain's bravery, so he goes off to the captain's quarters to fetch his jacket. Once he comes above deck to find the captain, however, he realizes that just visible on the horizon is an enormous armada of ships - hundreds and hundreds of Royal Navy vessels coming towards them from every possible direction. They are completely surrounded.
The captain whispers to him:
"Aye, matey, find me brown pants."