Sail Jokes

I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared.

I thought, "Thats the biggest wave I've ever seen."

A Sailor stands at the bar having a drink, swaying back and forth.

A Mexican man notices this, approaches the sailor and asks him'

"Ey, Mang, why you move'n back n' forth like that?"

The sailor responds "Well, I spend the past 20 years on a Naval ship at sea. I suppose my body just got used to motion"

The Mexican man replies "Okay mang, but I got thirteen kids, you don't see me a walkin' like this" (Swinging hips back and forth)

A sailor gets shore leave after 4 months at sea, and goes into a bar

He says to the bartender, "Man, I want to have s**... in the worst way!"

The bartender replies, "How about standing up in a hammock, during a rainstorm?"

Why did the sailor ground his son?

His grades were below sea level

^^im ^^so ^^sorry

An old sailor decides to get in uniform and hit the "red light" district, for one last good time...

He finds himself a willing "date", and after a bit of haggling, the price is settled on, and the transaction is made. After about 10 minutes, he asks the lady, "How am I doin', honey?" The p**... replies, "About 3 knots, sailor... you're not hard, you're not in, and you're not gettin' your money back."

Two Sail fish...

Two sail fish was swimming along. One got attacked, lost it's sail, and swam around for days depressed. The other, seeing his friends unhappiness decided to give him his. So his friend said to him: "You're so unselfish."
I admit, it isn't that good, but if it gets a chuckle, I'll be happy.

What did one sailor say to the other on Dec. 7 1941?

There's a little n**... in the air.

A sailor walked into my bar. "What can I get you?" I asked.

Why are sailors so impatient when they get on land?

Because they're tired of waiting in the rhumb line.

The oldest joke in the world: "How do you entertain a bored pharaoh?"

You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish.

Sailors really want to be cool.

But they're just naut.

A sailor is being asked by a reporter

"Was there ever a situation in your voyages when you were afraid?"

"Yeah, once we were transporting a container of 500.000 dolls. A storm just started and the ship leaned hard on its side. At that moment all the dolls cried "MAMA"...That's when I s**... myself with fear."

Why do sailors use liquid soap?

It takes longer to pick up when they drop it.

Q: You're sailing on a boat with a pack of cigarettes, but do not have a fire source, what do?

A: Throw one overboard to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

What did the sailor say about Pirates of the Caribbean

It's see-worthy

How does a sailor remove a c**...?

He farts

When I was a kid I wanted to become a pirate, and sail the open seas.

But instead, I just ended up downloading a lot of movies.

Where do Mathematicians sail?

Indices.

How well did the sailor do in school?

Not bad actually, he got high 'C's.

When is the best time to sail?

Schooner than later.

There was a sailor on a ship that was discovered to be gay.

When the others found out they tossed him off.

How did the sailor deal with the death of his friend?

He sent out a message in remorse code.

My friend was really interested in learning to sail

But he wasn't sure if he should do it. When he asked me if he should actually get into sailing, I simply replied, "Whatever floats your boat."

I couldn't buy the newly built ship...

It wasn't for sail.

What does a sailor use to clean his clothes?

Tide

Why do we let women and children off a sinking ship first?

So the men can plug the leak, sail away, and start better lives.

How did the sailor stranded on an island with a calendar survive a year?

Eating the dates and Sundays.

What does a sailor in the navy farts smell like?

s**....

I've never gone sailing before, but I want to sail around the world one day...

I have a yacht to learn before my trip.

Only 1700's sailors will get this...

Scurvy

How do you reach the Flying Spaghetti Monster?

You have to sail pasta seas.

A sailor once asked me if I knew the difference between port and starboard.

I said, "No. I've never drank any starboard".

Why do sailors take storm warnings seriously?

They're for boating.

A sailor is stranded on a desert island with nothing but palm fronds and sea anemones to live off. Finally when he was recused the rescuers asked why was he covered in anemones with a ring of palm fronds in arms reach. He replies, 'I keep my fronds close but my anemones closer'.

'With fronds like that, who needs anemones?'

Say, sailor...

Say, sailor, nice earrings! How much were they?
"$2"
Not bad for a buccaneer.

How is a sailor like a student?

Their both trying to stay above C-Level

Why did the man buy a boat?

It was on sail.

If I were a sailor, I think I'd be pretty bad at puns...

Knot!

Sailor with a Small Head

One day, a man sees a sailor walking around, and he notices that the sailor has a very small head.

The man asks the sailor, "Why is your head so small?" The sailor replies, "When I was sailing, I saw a beautiful mermaid, and she said she would grant me one wish. And you know what, I thought about it for a while, until a brilliant idea struck. I went over to the mermaid, and asked, 'How about a little head?'"

Sailor and s**... ed class

The s**... ed instructor asked the class, "How many s**... positions do you know?" An old sailor in the back of the class raised his hand and shouted, "Thirty-nine, thirty-nine, thirty-nine!" The instructor ignored the old salt and called on a young man near the front. The young man replied, "Well, just one. You know: man on top, woman on bottom." The old sailor in back started shouting, "Forty, forty, forty!"

What happens to a sailboat in a category 5 hurricane?

MAST DESTRUCTION!!!

I'll ~~see~~ sea myself out...

Our sailing trip in Maine was going great...

until we were capsized by Augusta wind.

A ship with 66 passengers sets off, however during the sail it flips over, there are no survivors but how many people died?

99

How do sailors sort their books?

Using the buoy decimal system.

Two sailors where trading jokes on a submarine.

One of them says, this is the best joke ever: A bus driver drove into a nun and then starts laughing hysterically.

Confused, the other sailor asked, how is that even funny?

The other sailor says it's not, but on this sub it is

Why can't sailors get fat?

Because of those darned pie rates.

An Egyptian man was sailing down a river

When his boat started to leak. He kept on rowing further down the river, whilst more and more water started to pour in. The man ignored the problem and just continued to sail down the river. Eventually his boat was nearly fully submerged and it quickly started to sink. The man refused to come to terms with his situation and just kept trying to row down the river.

He was in de Nile

Why are so many ships registered to sail out of the Bahamas?

Because if they sailed in to the Bahamas they would c**...

Two sailors were chatting

One says "We'll soon arrive at Port. I can't wait to make love to my lady, it's been so long."

The other one asks "Yeah, me too. Say, have you ever made love to your love in the other hole?"

"No, are you crazy? I don't wanna make her pregnant"

It is a little risky to download Come Sail Away or Satisfaction from the internet. Turn, Turn, Turn is perfectly safe however.

Styx and Stones may break your phones, but The Byrds will never hurt you.

Why did the sailor get fired for cleaning the deck?

....he went overboard...

Why did the sailors dog hide below deck?

Because it was afraid if ruff seas.

A down on his luck shipwright is spending his day at the port when he sees a ship, with a damaged mast. What does he tell the captain?

Anything to make a sail.

What happens to a sailor who stands too far aft?

He gets a stern warning.

A sailor and his friend are talking on his recent success.

The friend asks, how did you get so many c**...?

The sailor responds: mermaids

How do you sell a ship with a broken mast?

Promote a half-off sail.

How did the pirate get his Jolly Roger flag on the cheap?

He bought it on sail.

How long would you be sailing if you were to sail 220 yards at a speed of one nautical mile an hour?

Knot furlong.

How does a sailor keep his Captain happy?

With a handful of s**....

Why did the sailor quit his acting career?

Because he wasn't landing any good roles.

Why couldn't the sailors play cards

Because they were standing on the deck

Why did the sailor find it hard to learn the alphabet?

Because he spent years at C.

Two sailors are on deck looking out to sea.

In the distance, a huge hand rises from the water.

It keeps rising as the wrist and forearm become visible, the fingers stretching into the air. It wobbles back and forward then falls, crashing into the sea.

One sailor turns to the other and asks, 'Did you see the size of that wave?

After buying a new sail for my boat, Amazon told me it's too late to cancel my order.

That sail has shipped.

A sailor comes back one morning after a long time at sea

His best buddy died on the ship, so he goes announcing the news, first thing, to his widow. One thing led to another and they are starting to undress, but she suddenly stares at him and stops, asking:

-Why are you only half mast?

-It's mourning wood

What did the sailor say to the p**...?

Land h**...!

A sailor walks into a bar

The barkeep asks, "How did you end up with that peg leg?"

And the pirate replies, "A cannon ball blasted out the deck and took me leg with it."

"Why do you have that hook?"

"Arrrgh! We was looting a ship and lost me hand in a sword fight."

"And the eye patch?"

"I looked up at a seagull and blimey, the scalliwag crapped right in me eye."

"You lost your eye from bird p**...?"

"It was me first day with the hook."

Where do sailors go when they feel sick?

The docktor!

My Devil worshipping brother just got a new row boat...

He christened it Sail Hatin'

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.

That sail has shipped.

Two sailors are on shore leave. They have a few drinks and decide to go to a variety show. At the intermission one of them needs to pee and asks directions from the usher. Go through the exit, turn left along the corridor, turn first right, then left, then right again, he says.

The sailor follows the directions with some difficulty, relieves himself, and eventually finds his way back to his seat. You missed the best act, says his friend. While you were gone a sailor came on-stage and p**... into the orchestra pit.

Carnival is offering a new voyage where you set sail and leave a bunch of senior citizens behind in the snow.

It's called a Ted Cruise

A sailor and a marine walk into a bathroom at a bar

They both do their business, the sailor goes to wash his hands -- the marine heads to the door. The sailor sees this and says "You know, in the NAVY they taught us to wash our hands after we use the bathroom". The marine looks back at him and says "Oh yeah? Well, in the marines they taught us not to p**... on our hands"

Do you know why firetrucks are red?

Firetrucks have 4 wheels and carry 8 people.

4+8=12

There are 12 inches in a ruler

Queen Elizabeth is a ruler

There was a ship named Queen Elizabeth

Ships sail on seas

Seas have fish

Fish have fins

People from Finland are Finns

Finland and Russia border each other

Russians are red

Firetrucks are always Russian around

Why are fire trucks red?

Because they have eight wheels and four people, and eight plus four is twelve. Twelve inches is a foot, and a foot is a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is also a ruler, but queen Elizabeth is also a ship, and ships sail the seas, and seas have fish, and fish have fins, and the Fins fought the Russians, Russians are red, and fire trucks are always russhing around

My husband told me I could choose the name he'd paint on the back of his new boat with the condition it be nautical themed. So I named it...

For Sail.

A sailor walks into bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Where'd you get that?"

The parrot answers, "Down at the Naval Base - They're *everywhere*!"

Why did the sailor get a promotion when he went to the restroom?

Because he became a loo tenant.

How did the pirate afford such a big boat?

It was on sail.

An old sailor once told me you could hear the calm before the storm.

He said it sounded like a C flat.

What did the sailor say when he saw your mom?

LAND h**...

Why did the sailor ground his son?

Because his grades were below sea level