sail Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious sail puns

What happens to a sailboat in a category 5 hurricane?


I'll ~~see~~ sea myself out...


Why did the sailor ground his son?

His grades were below sea level

^^im ^^so ^^sorry


A sailor is on shore leave for the first time in weeks

...first thing he does is go to the next whorehouse, where he pays the first available hooker to give him a blowjob.
She goes down on him and sucks away for 15 minutes, before she looks up and says: "Man, doesn't your dick ever get hard?" to which the sailor replies:
"It's not supposed to get hard. It's supposed to get clean."


A sailor and a Priest go golfing

A sailor and a priest were playing golf.

The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "Fuck, I missed."

Surprised, the priest replied, "Don't use that kind of language or god will punish you."

The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I fuck'n missed again."

The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don't use that language or god will punish you."

The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn't help mutter, "Oh fuckโ€ฆ"

The priest said, "That's it god will certainly punish you."

Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance a deep voice said, "FUCK, I Missed".


I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared.

I thought, "Thats the biggest wave I've ever seen."


There was a young barmaid...

There was a young barmaid from Sail,
On her breasts were the prices of ale,
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind;
Was the same information in braille.


A man hears a knock on the door

A man hears a soft thud on the back door to his house and wonders what the hell it is. He goes to the door and there's a snail sitting there, looking up at him

The snail then opens its mouth and says:
Excuse me mate, you wouldn't happen to have...

The man, terrified, kicks the snail as hard as he can and watches it sail through the air to the back of his section. He goes back inside and can't believe what's just happened.

Two years later he opens the back door of his house and finds the same snail is there. He stops dead in his tracks, while it looks at him and says

What the fuck did you do that for?!?!?


A sailor walks into a bar

A sailor walks into a bar takes his seat and starts drinking. He leans over to the guy next to him and says "Hey buddy, you want to hear a marine joke?" The guy says "Before you say the joke let me tell you this: I'm 6'0 190 lbs and I'm a marine, my friend is 6'2 210 lbs and is also a marine, the third guy is 6'5 250 lbs, he too is a marine. So with that in mind do you still want to tell the joke?"

The sailor stops for a minute and thinks to himself, after a minute he tells the man "nah I dont want to explain it 3 times"


A Sailor walks in the bathroom to go piss

As he walks in, he sees a kid standing there.
The kid looks up and asks, "Mister, are you a sailor?"
The sailor says that he is and asks the kid if he wants to wear his hat.
The kids nods his head and puts it on.
A minute later, a Marine walks in and goes over to the urinal.
The kid looks up and asks, "Mister, are you a Marine?"
The Marine says, "Yea, why? You wanna hold my dick or something?"
The kid says, "Oh no, I'm not a sailor, I'm just wearing his hat."


A British guy, a French guy, a Texan, and a Mexican are all on a boat together.

They sail on for a while, when suddenly a storm breaks loose. The boat begins to fill with water. Realizing that sinking in inevitable, the Brit screams "God save the Queen!", and then jumps off.

They remaining three are fine for a while, but water is still pouring into the boat. Realizing that sinking is once again inevitable, the French dude screams "Viva la France!" and jumps into the water.

Once again, the boat survives, until even more water starts to pour in. Worried, the Texan screams "Remember the Alamo!", and throws the Mexican off the boat.


A sailor walks into a bar

He orders a drink and notices there's a mean, weather beaten pirate next to him at the bar. The pirate has a hook, a peg leg, and an eye patch. After a few drinks the sailor gets the courage to ask the pirate how he lost his leg.

The pirate tells him, "We were in the midst of a raging storm, a wave crashed over the deck and swept me off inter the sea. Before I was rescued, a shark swam up and bit off me leg!"

"That's quite the story" the sailor responds. "What about the hook?"

"Arr, we were boarding a vessel, swords were flying, and in the fray, I got me hand chopped off!"

"Wow, that's another impressive story. What's the story behind the eye patch?"

"It twas a beautiful day, while I was gazing up at the clear blue sky, a bird flew over and pooped in me eye!"

"You lost your eye to bird poop?" the sailor asks incredulously.

"Well," responds the pirate, "It twas the first day with me hook..."


How does a sailor remove a condom?

He farts


Why do sailors use liquid soap?

It takes longer to pick up when they drop it.


There was a sailor on a ship that was discovered to be gay.

When the others found out they tossed him off.


Old sailors know best

The young seaman apprentice was assigned to work in the galley; he had to come in early and was tasked with all the drudge work. But the Chief cook always came in with a grin and a twinkle in his eye. The young seaman finally got the nerve to ask him how he could be so happy every day. The Chief said," Look son, you have to go out and get yourself a blow job. I do every day and I'm enjoying life".
The young seaman came in the galley the next morning and looked as glum as ever. The Chief asked him if had gotten a blow job and did he like it. The seaman replied "It was okay I guess, but I didn't like the taste."


An old sailor decides to get in uniform and hit the "red light" district, for one last good time...

He finds himself a willing "date", and after a bit of haggling, the price is settled on, and the transaction is made. After about 10 minutes, he asks the lady, "How am I doin', honey?" The prostitute replies, "About 3 knots, sailor... you're not hard, you're not in, and you're not gettin' your money back."


How long does it take to sail from Dorne to Mereen?

It Varys.


A sailor and a female model survive a shipwreck.

A ship sinks, and a sailor and a female model manage to swim to an unpopulated island. There are enough resources for them to survive, so they start to live there, eventually becoming a couple. After two years, the sailor suddenly looks at the model with a desperate expression, and says" "I cannot take it any longer. Could you please pretend for a while that you are a man?" The model is surprised, but eventually agrees. The sailor says to her, with a huge smile on his face, "Dude, just imagine it: For TWO YEARS, Iยดve been fucking this extremely sexy model!"


A sailor boarded his new ship....

Sailor: This ship looks boring, is there anything to do around here?

Captain: No, we only do one thing in our free time. We go to the bottom of the ship, oil up a hole in a barrel and fuck it.

Sailor: Well.... Okay when can I go down there?

Captain: Everyday except Sunday!

Sailor: Why can't I on Sunday's?

Captain: Because on Sunday's it's your turn in the barrel!


Sailor and sex ed class

The sex ed instructor asked the class, "How many sexual positions do you know?" An old sailor in the back of the class raised his hand and shouted, "Thirty-nine, thirty-nine, thirty-nine!" The instructor ignored the old salt and called on a young man near the front. The young man replied, "Well, just one. You know: man on top, woman on bottom." The old sailor in back started shouting, "Forty, forty, forty!"


A sailor once asked me if I knew the difference between port and starboard.

I said, "No. I've never drank any starboard".


A sailor is discharged from the Navy...

...and he's so happy to see his girlfriend, and so horny, that he hustles her behind a building, lifts her skirt, and proceeds to give her a knee-trembler right there at the pier.

As they were driving home, the satisfied sailor says, "Wow, that was great. And I know you liked it too, I saw your toes curling."

She says, "Not really. You didn't give me time to take off my pantyhose!"


A sailor walks into a public restroom and up to

a urinal and as he begins to do his business, without fail a 10year-old boy walks in and sees and him he starts to shout, golly Gee Mr., golly are you really a sailor? The sailor looks down at the kid and says sure kid would you like to wear my hat? The boy responded with an excited golly Gee yes! Soon after a marine walks in and up to a urinal also. As he begins to pee again the little boy looks up and again starts, golly Gee Mr, golly Gee are you really a Marine? The Marine being a little more hard-core looks down at the little boy and answers, sure kid would you like to suck my dick? The little boy baffled by this request stops to think about it for a second then replies back at the Marine, oh, I'm not really a sailor I'm just wearing his hat


A sailor is marooned on an island...

A man is marooned on a desert island with a female sheep and a male Doberman for companionship. The animals soon get it on sexually, and all goes well until the man becomes unbearably horny and makes his move for the ewe, at which point the dog interposes himself, snarling, fangs bared. Months later, a raft drifts into sight. The sailor swims out, finds a beautiful girl on it, takes her to shore and feeds and comforts her.

"You are so good to me," she responds gratefully. "I'd do absolutely anything to show my gratitude."

"Would you?" smiles the sailor as he unfastens the length of rope that holds up his ragged pants. "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash and take that damn dog for a walk!"


Two sailors where trading jokes on a submarine.

One of them says, this is the best joke ever: A bus driver drove into a nun and then starts laughing hysterically.

Confused, the other sailor asked, how is that even funny?

The other sailor says it's not, but on this sub it is


It is a little risky to download Come Sail Away or Satisfaction from the internet. Turn, Turn, Turn is perfectly safe however.

Styx and Stones may break your phones, but The Byrds will never hurt you.


A sailor walked into my bar. "What can I get you?" I asked.


A sailor gets shore leave after 4 months at sea, and goes into a bar

He says to the bartender, "Man, I want to have sex in the worst way!"

The bartender replies, "How about standing up in a hammock, during a rainstorm?"


Two sailors were chatting

One says "We'll soon arrive at Port. I can't wait to make love to my lady, it's been so long."

The other one asks "Yeah, me too. Say, have you ever made love to your love in the other hole?"

"No, are you crazy? I don't wanna make her pregnant"


So a sailor is submitted into the hospital

... with two broken arms. You know, a really tough guy, big muscles, lots of body hair and tattoos, a true seaman.

So the two nurses that have to wash him since his arms are broken meet in the halls and one says to the other:

"hey that sailor has a very funny tattoo on his willy, right? *Hoglyfobflee*, I mean what is that even supposed to mean?"

"No", says the other, "it said Honor and glory for the baltic fleet"


Q: You're sailing on a boat with a pack of cigarettes, but do not have a fire source, what do?

A: Throw one overboard to make the boat a cigarette lighter.


If I were a sailor, I think I'd be pretty bad at puns...



A sailor goes to a town...

... he doesn't know at all.

After a few months on ship he's horny as hell and starts looking for a hooker.

Alas, he can't find something suitable. He's going from hostels to bars, throught cabaret but all they have is either too expensive, or it's goats, or it's men ... almost desperate, he ends up in the dirtiest creepiest hostel in the worst part of town where the owner assures him he has what he needs :

"so it's a real woman, right ?"

"for sure !"

"and it's cheap, right ?"

"Yup, 10$ for 30mins !"

The guy seems happy with it, takes the key, goes up and sees a nice girl lying on the bed. She says nothing. He's fine with that and starts doing his business when suddenly the girl spits on him.

Quite surprised, the guy starts complaining "HEY, i'm a customer and this is not what I asked for. Stop it."

She says nothing ... The dude keeps going when she spits again.

Quite angry, he starts yelling "I haven't pay for this, bitch, stop it NOW."

Still saying nothing the guy continues ... And she spits again.

Enraged, the guy slaps her, puts his clothes back and runs downstairs to complain

"That girl, fuck, she keeps on spitting on me ! Ok I haven't paid much but god damn I'm a customer, I deserve respect !"

And the tenant, turns the head to the side and yells "OH, BOBBY, drain the dead girl, she's full !"


A sailor walked into a bar with a shrunken head...

He sat down as all the other seafaring folk all stared in silence at the size of this mans tiny skull. He pulled up a stool and ordered a pint. Curiosity got the better of one of the other men and he just had to ask "what happened to your head?" "Ah I was out on my own fishing for months out in the middle of god knows where, one morning at dawn amongst the mist I spot a mermaid upon a rock. I couldn't believe my eyes. She said she'd grant me one wish, she would do anything I wanted. The very next day I find myself talking to ye folk." "Yes but what happened? What did you ask for?" ....
"I said all I wanted was a little head."


Sailor with a Small Head

One day, a man sees a sailor walking around, and he notices that the sailor has a very small head.

The man asks the sailor, "Why is your head so small?" The sailor replies, "When I was sailing, I saw a beautiful mermaid, and she said she would grant me one wish. And you know what, I thought about it for a while, until a brilliant idea struck. I went over to the mermaid, and asked, 'How about a little head?'"


What are the most funny Sail jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Sail? Well, here are the best Sail dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Sail pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes