Safety Man Jokes
33 safety man jokes and hilarious safety man puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about safety man that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Safety Man Short Jokes
Short safety man jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The safety man humour may include short safety jokes also.
- What does a woman want? Equality
Safety
Education
Independence
Nutrition
Love
What does a man want?
Woman
Happy Woman's Day!! - I read a book about taking safety precautions yesterday It was by a man called Justin Case
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Happy Safety Man Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about safety man you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean maintenance man jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make safety man pranks.
A police officer pulls over a driver...
A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"
A man decides to visit Germany with his dog for 2 weeks.
He wishes to experience German culture during the winter. So, he visits an ice rink. As soon as the man steps foot on the ice, the dog darts forward, excited about his new surroundings. The dog proceeds to fall through a thinner patch of ice. The man leaps forward to save his dog, but another man dives in and pulls the dog to safety. The German man explains he is a nearby resident who saw what was about to happen. The other man, realizing his dog will need help as soon as he can get asks,
"Are you a vet?"
The German man replies, "Vet? I am soaking!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A couple gets pulled over by a cop
Wife: Why are you lying, you were going 70km/h.
Man: What the h**...? Shut up.
Policeman: You don't even have your safety belt on.
Man: I just removed it, because you stopped me.
Wife: You are lying, you didn't have the belt on.
Man: SHUT UP!!!!
Policeman: Does he always talk like this to you?
Wife: No officer, only when he is drunk.
A man is called in to his bosses office
The boss says, "I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?"
The man says, "What's the good news?"
The boss replies, "OSHA is naming a new safety regulation after you."
A man gets pulled over for speeding.
The cop starts lecturing him on road safety and being a responsible driver, to which the man replies, Officer, I'm incredibly mindful of safe driving and responsibility. That's why I need to get home fast before all the drinks kick in!
A man was driving along the motorway
When all of a sudden, he sees two crisps (potato chips) walking along the side of the road.
Perplexed by this and concerned for their safety he leans out and shouts "Hey! You two want a lift anywhere?", to which the crisps stopped and replied "No thanks mate, we're Walkers".
Man gets lost in the countryside
Drives up a long road to a farmhouse, passing a three legged pig in a field.
Farmer gives him instructions on a route back to the City.
Driver thanks him and before leaving says what's with the three legged pig?
Farmer says bravest pig you're ever gonna see… burglars attacked our house last month.. pig fought them off.
Week later I fell in the river and pig hauled me to safety.
Week after that the pig rescued my horse from a burning stable.
Driver… but why has it only got three legs?
Farmer… well a pig as brave as that.. we're not going to eat it in one go are we!!!!!!l
In 1969, the Beatles originally wrote one of their hit songs for a Broadway version of Peter Pan. Captain Hook's right hand man wanted to Broker a truce that would give Hook the ability to fly and give Peter and the Lost Boys safety from pirates. It ended with a big event where Hook and Peter flew..
Come together, right now... over Smee.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A wise man once said, "There is safety in numbers". Yeah?! Well, tell that one to six million Jews!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Jewish man and a Christian man are on a plane
On this plane, they have a debate about which religion is more valid. Neither manages to convince the other, but it was a nice friendly conversation. Suddenly, the plane starts to smoke, and ends up crashing in the ocean. Once they're on the safety raft, and the Christian sees the Jewish man cross himself. He says "Hey! I just say you cross yourself! Did I manage to convert you to my religion on the plane?" the Jewish man replies "No no no no no. Spectacles, t**..., wallet, and watch"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and a woman were married for many years
Everytime there was an argument, yelling could be heard by everyone, deep into the night. The old man would shout "WHEN I DIE, I WILL DIG MY WAY UP AND OUT OF THE GRAVE AND HAUNT YOU UNTIL THE DAY YOU DIE!!" Neighbors feared him and the old man liked it that way.
Finally at the age of 98, he died. After the burial, the woman's neighbors, fearing for her safety asked "aren't you afraid that he might actually dig his way out and haunt you forever?"
"Let him dig" she said. "I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man jumps into a lion's cage to save a 5 year old boy by punching the lion in the nose
Soon, reporters are on the scene.
"Why don't you tell us a bit more about yourself"
"Well, I'm currently a stockbroker, but I got out of the Army only two years ago"
"What do you do for fun"
"I'm an avid fisherman, and I teach rifle safety classes for the NRA"
"Who'd you vote for in the last election"
"Trump."
The next day, the headline reads:
*GUN TOTING RIGHT WING CRAZY REPUBLICAN CRAZED VETERAN CAPITALIST PUNCHES AN AFRICAN IMMIGRANT IN THE FACE, STEALS HIS LUNCH*
A man went swimming one day....
A man wanted to goswimming in the ocean. We walked down to the beach and he saw a fisherman. He asked the fisherman " are there any sharks in the water?" The fisherman said "well obviously, the ocean is huge! But in this particular area, no there are no sharks." The man asks again "you are absolutely certain that there are no sharks around here?". So the fisherman replies again "yes, I'm sure, there are no sharks in the water around here." So fairly convinced in his safety, the man takes of his shirt and runs into the water, I dives in and as soon as he surfaces the fisherman yells "there aren't any sharks because the gators got em all!"
Burial Plans
A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried face down, and I know he won't ask for directions."
Pig with a wooden leg
A man was driving past a farm and noticed a pig in the fenced area that had a wooden leg. He stopped to talk to the farmer and asked "Why does that pig have a wooden leg?". The farmer replied "Let me tell you about that pig. We had a smoky fire in the kitchen last month during the middle of the night and that pig dragged me and my wife and three kids to safety?' The man said "Wow, is that how he hurt his leg?". "Nah, " said the farmer " You just don't eat a pig like that all at once"
A man stops to ask directions from a farmer sitting on his porch and is amazed to see a three-legged pig sitting at the farmer's feet.
"That's a weird-looking pig," the man says. The farmer is furious. "Don't you ever say anything bad about this pig!" he says. "Just last week my wife and I were sleeping, and a fire broke out. This pig dragged us both to safety. Last month a robber broke into the house. The pig knocked him down, dialed 911 with his snout and sat on him until the police arrived. So don't ever say anything bad about him."
"I'm sorry," the man says. "But what's the deal with the three legs?"
"Mister," the farmer says, "a pig like this you don't eat all at once."
A man is captured by pirates...
The pirates tell the man that they will throw him over the ship into the ocean but tell him he can have one last meal before he goes
He tells them he wants nothing but root beer, although confused, the pirates grant him his one last request
The man drinks the root beer until he feels fit to burst, and he tells the pirates he's ready to be thrown over
They toss him into the water and to their surprise, he doesn't sink!!
The man then yells to the pirates
"Silly pirates, don't you know. Root beer floats!!"
He then laughs as he floats away to safety
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and woman were married for many years.
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he suddenly died. After the burial, his wife's neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife said, " Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."
A police officer pulls over a driver...
A police officer pulls over a driver and
informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks. The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car." Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"
Annoying Husband
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could heard deep into the night the old man would shout,"When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and comeback and haunt you for the rest of your life."
Neighbours feared him.They believed he practised black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, be died of a heart attack when he was 68.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbours, concerned for her safety asked. "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come hack to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down."
The Pig.
A man was walking in the country and saw a pig with a wooden leg sitting outside a barn. As he was pondering this, the pig's owner came along. The man asked the farmer how the pig got his wooden leg.
The farmer said, "Let me tell you, that is some pig! Our house caught fire last May, and he dragged my kids to safety!"
"Is that how he lost his leg?" the man asked.
"No," replied the farmer. "But a month ago, I almost drowned and that pig swam through icy water to pull me to shore!"
"So that's how he lost his leg," the man asked.
"Oh, no. And just a week ago, my wife's car slid off the road onto the train tracks. That pig broke through the window and helped her out just as a freight train came through!"
"So THAT'S how he lost his leg!" the man said.
"No, sir." "Then HOW did he lose it?" the man begged.
"Well sir," the farmer replied, "when you got a pig that terrific, you don't want to eat it all at once."
Blonde gets lost in a snowstorm...
She didn't panic however because when she was younger her dad taught her to wait for a snow plow and then just follow the snow plow to safety. Sure enough a snow plow drives by and she follows behind it for 45 minutes. Finally the driver of the snow plow stops and gets out and asks her if she needed anything, she says no and tells the man the lesson her father had taught her, to follow a snow plow if she was ever lost. The snow plow driver nodded and said "ok well I am done plowing the Walmart parking lot, would you like to follow me over to target now?"
A child falls into a lion pit at the zoo...
The crowd is shocked, but a man jumps into the pit, punches the lion, and returns the child to safety. Another man runs up to the hero and says "I'm a reporter for the New York Times, and what you did is incredible! This deserves to be on the front page tomorrow, just tell me what your occupation is and your political affiliation is."
The hero replied "I'm a marine, and I'm a Republican." The next day, the front page of the New York Times reads
"REPUBLICAN MARINE PUNCHES AFRICAN IMMIGRANT, STEALS LUNCH"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
CNN reporter
In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out.
She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.
"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a f**...' wall."
Mean Old Man
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight home and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down."
A hearty laugh after a long time.
A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"
Random Drug search
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The more you read, the better it gets.
A man was driving down the road when a police officer pulls him over. "Congratulations," says the police man. "You've won $500 in a safety contest for wearing your seat belt. What are you going to do with the money?"
The driver says, "Oh, I'm probably going to go to the driver's academy and get my license."
The woman in the passenger seat says, "Oh, don't mind him. He's s**... when he's drunk."
This wakes up the person sitting in the backseat, who says "Oh darn, I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
Then a voice from the trunk says in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"
There are three men on a desert island: Genius, Smart, and Idiot.
Genius has concluded that at least one man must swim to shore and get help.
Genius volunteered himself, as he is the most likely to get remember to get help.
Genius, not being very athletic, swam halfway to safety and then drowned.
Days later, Smart finally realized Genius drowned.
Smart then decided it was his turn to swim and get help.
Idiot agreed because he didn't know what was happening.
Smart, not being very athletic, swam three quarte rs of the way to safety and drowned.
Days later, Idiot decided it must his turn to swim.
He also did not know what his goal was.
Idiot, not having very much intelligence, swam halfway to safety, felt tired, so he swam back to the island he was stranded on.
Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house.
Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising.
Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them.
"No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide."
The men shrugged and rowed on.
By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety.
She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up.
"Don’t trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."
Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney.
When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide."
So the boat left, the water rose and the old woman drowned.
Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demande d to speak to God.
"What happened?" she cried.
"For cryin’ out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A ship goes out to sea and crashes.
6 people (1 woman and 5 men) survive and use a safety raft to float to this deserted island.
Well, after spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely and s**... deprived.
So they come to this agreement.
All of the men will marry the one woman for a week.
So the first man has her for one week, the second man has her for the second week, and so on.
Everyone will now be getting s**... and they all agree to it.
This goes on for five years and everyone is happy.
Each man gets s**... every fifth week and the woman gets to have s**... whenever she wants with a different man every week.
Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies.
The first week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad, the third week is getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad, real bad, and the fifth week is just awful.
It’s getting so very bad that on the sixth week they buried her.
