Safety Jokes

150 safety jokes and hilarious safety puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about safety that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Looking for a laugh? Check out our safety jokes article. From OSHA to office safety, we've got you covered.

Funniest Safety Short Jokes

Short safety jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The safety humour may include short safely jokes also.

  1. In a safety meeting at work they asked me what steps I'd take in a fire Apparently "Really big and fast ones" was the wrong answer.
  2. i told my kids that at their age i had to watch VHS tapes on school safety and they said: "what's school safety?"
  3. I failed my Health and Safety Test today apparently when they ask what steps you should take in case of a fire, large ones was not the correct answer
  4. Drug safety Remember kids, say no to drugs because if the drugs are talking to you, you've had the right amount.
  5. Would you rather feel the pain of your toes bring crushed in an instant, or spread out over a few years? In other words, here are your brand new safety shoes.
  6. When people ask why I have a "Trump 2016" sticker on my car I say it's for safety. When i'm pulled over, it's the quickest way to tell the Cop i'm white.
  7. The problem with America is stupidity. So why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?
  8. Why wasn't the elf allowed to use the step ladder to decorate the Christmas tree? Because of 'elf and safety restrictions.
  9. The safety distance of 2 meters has been hard for the people in Finland. Luckily, when it's over, we can return to the usual 10 meter distancing.
  10. My Dad told me that if anyone ever pulled a gun on me I should start reeling off statistics Apparently there's safety in numbers

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Safety One Liners

Which safety one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with safety? I can suggest the ones about protection and family safe.

  1. They say there's safety in numbers... Tell that to 6 million Jews
  2. why don't mathematicians get mugged? Because there's safety in numbers.
  3. What does a ISIS amusement park have as a safety mechanism? Allahu lap-bar.
  4. Today I was learning about electrical safety. I was shocked.
  5. I got 8 out of 10 in my driving test. 2 guys jumped out to safety.
  6. Safety is a terrible lover Safety always comes first
  7. Can you believe that only 40% of American homes have a safety switch? I was shocked!
  8. Why did the titanic sink? It's safety only scratched the tip of the iceberg
  9. Did you hear about player safety in the super bowl? Both teams suffered from blackouts
  10. Why did the guitar shop fail a fire safety inspection? No Stairway.
  11. I tried to make a joke about safety scissors... But it was pointless.
  12. Be safety conscious 80% of people are caused by accidents.
  13. I just quit my job at the quarry they took worker safety for granite.
  14. I have a great safety tip for Halloween this year Wear a mask!!!
  15. What's the best car safety device? A rearview mirror with a police car in it.

Safety Man Jokes

Here is a list of funny safety man jokes and even better safety man puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What does a woman want? Equality
    What does a man want?
    Happy Woman's Day!!
  • I read a book about taking safety precautions yesterday It was by a man called Justin Case
  • A wise man once said, "There is safety in numbers". Yeah?! Well, tell that one to six million Jews!

Safety First Jokes

Here is a list of funny safety first jokes and even better safety first puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I don't know why there is a baby brand called Safety 1st.. I mean, if they used safety first they wouldn't have to buy their products in the first place
  • Safety vs Emergency If safety and emergency had a fight, who would win?
    Safety would.
    Cos safety first
  • You wanna know the first rule of safety. There are no rules.
  • My girlfriend always calls me Mr. Safety Unfortunately it's not because I practice safe s**..., it's because I always come first...
Safety joke, My girlfriend always calls me Mr. Safety

Fire Safety Jokes

Here is a list of funny fire safety jokes and even better fire safety puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar... The number of occupants exceeds the maximum allowable number for fire safety, and thus the bartender throws them out.
  • Safety Meeting @ Work: They asked me what steps I would take in the event of a fire... Apparently REALLY BIG ones was not the right answer. 🙄
  • I failed a Health and Safety course at work today... One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

    "f**...' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.
  • White taking a gun safety class, I was looking into the barrel of a p**... when the gun accidentally fired. It really opened my eyes.

Health And Safety Jokes

Here is a list of funny health and safety jokes and even better health and safety puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Donald trump said he cares more about the health and safety of the American public than he does about money. Well *I* laughed when he said it.
  • Im currently doing my dissertation on the safety of a new handheld device for the world health organisation New phone WHO diss
  • I forgot my hard hat when I went to the building site... Health and safety came down on me like a tonne of bricks.
  • What R&B singer works for the Occupational Safety and Health Organization? Billy OSHA
  • There's a health & safety officer at my work with only one eye... ... oh the irony.
  • Health and Safety, that's a minefield but don't tell them.
  • Why do women wear p**...? Because it's the law. The health and safety act of 1974 clearly states:
    (4)(b)1: All manholes must be covered when not in use
Safety joke, Why do women wear p**...?

Quirky and Hilarious Safety Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.

What funny jokes about safety you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean safe practical jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make safety pranks.

Fire safety

I was at the Senior Center today and failed a Health and Safety course that was put on for us old folks...
One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps
would you take?"
"f**...' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

A brunette and 9 blondes are rock climbing...

and get stuck, unable to continue their ascent and also unable to safely retreat. Upset at themselves for not taking safety precautions, they begin discussing any possible ways of getting help. Eventually, the brunette makes a moving speech about why she should be the one to drop down and seek help, potentially injuring herself. Moved by her selflessness and eloquence, the 9 blondes start clapping...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are driving through the desert...

When their car breaks down. Stranded in the middle of nowhere, they have no choice but to walk the road to safety. They each agree to carry something. The brunette brings a jug of water in case they get thirsty.
The redhead brings a blanket in case they need to camp for the night. The blonde brings the car door. The others ask why.
She says, "If we get hot, we can just roll the window down!"

So *that's* how it works. [true story]

Went to visit a friend at his work (he's a chemist). There's a placard on the wall of the lab that says:
"Safety Reminder: Many Hands Make Light Work!"
Scrawled below that in black marker:
"Gee. All these years of college and I thought it was wave/particle duality."

While were at it, this is the joke I made up when I was 9

A football team is eating in the cafeteria and they're all waiting in line. Sean plays safety on the football team, and all of the sudden, he starts to cut the line!
Everybody is upset: "Why do you get to go ahead?" They asked.
Sean replied: "Safety First!"
Corny I know, but I was convinced I would be a comedian

A skydiver jumps out of a plane...

He is flying through the air and is having a lot of fun.
Then he pulls the chord ... but nothing happens! The parachute wont open!
panicing he pulls the safety chord ... nothing happens again!
He is falling ever so fast, when suddenly a guy comes flying up from beneath him!
The skydiver yells "hey! Do you repair parachutes!?"
The guy yells back! "Nope, gas ovens..."
(english is not my first language, excuse my spelling please)

My neighbours are very loud when they have s**....

And that's bad for my insomnia. Last night I was so fed up I had to scream their safety word.

Home safety

I took my name off the Neighborhood Watch List.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one at each corner and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local police, and multiple intelligence services are watching my house 24/7.
I've never felt safer in my entire Life!

Two wires at sea

Two wires were on an ocean cruise when the ship sprung a leak and sank. The solid core wire managed to climb into a lifeboat and head to safety.
The other was stranded.

Boat safety

Boat safety instructions: sea below

Did you hear about the ship wreck survivor that rode a dolphin to safety?

He said he did it on porpoise.

What was the best thing Kurt Cobain ever released?

The safety.

There's safety in numbers.

Unless there's 6,000,000 of you. And you're all Jews.

There is safety in numbers.

Unless there is 6 million of you, and your jewish.

I bought my r**... son a Komodo dragon, but for safety reasons we keep him in his cage.

Away from the Komodo dragon.

An pakistani in the US fears for his safety

Email note from Abdul in Washington to his friend Ahmed in Pittsburgh:
I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood.
So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.
I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIS in the centre. I grew a beard and only wear turbans in my freetime.
Now, the Washington Police, the FBI, the National Security Agency, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in the world are all watching my house 24x7x365.
My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all.
I have never felt safer.

Airline Safety

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 747 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a two hour delay, it finally took off.
Barry, a worried passenger asked the steward, "What was the problem?"
"Well, the pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine", explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

Why was Santa sacked two days before Christmas?

Elf and safety

What type music should you practice before doing something dangerous?

Safety measures.

They say there's safety in numbers

But it won't really matter if she swallows the s**..., will it?

My safety supervisor asked me why I wasn't done filing the hazardous material documents...

I told him I was doing asbestos I can

What do you call it when you c**...-block a lesbian?

Safety scissors.

I don't know what made me feel more fat

That my fast food weighed so much in my passenger seat that my car told be to put a seat belt on it or that I was so concerned with its safety that I actually did.

The good news is that I placed a safety bet on Brexit...

the bad news is my winnings are in pound sterling.

In the motorcycle safety course they tell you that target fixation is bad, where your eyes are looking is where you usually end up.

Must be why I keep running over female joggers.

A police officer pulls over a driver...

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

Did you hear the one about the roofer with a perfect safety record?

He never had a shingle accident.

What does music have to do with road safety?

C sharp or B flat

How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb?

One Slytherin to break it.
One Gryffindor to volunteer to change it.
Three Hufflepuffs to hold the ladder to ensure the safety of the Gryffindor student.
And one Ravenclaw to point out that they could have just used magic in the first place.

3 Blondes are Stranded

And they need to swim across the ocean to reach safety. The first blonde swims 1/4 of the way to safety but drowns. The second blonde swims 1/3 of the way to safety, but drowns. The third blonde swims 1/2 of the way to safety, gets tired and swims back to the original island.

UA new safety briefing

Life jacket, seatbelt, mouth guard

A man was driving along the motorway

When all of a sudden, he sees two crisps (potato chips) walking along the side of the road.
Perplexed by this and concerned for their safety he leans out and shouts "Hey! You two want a lift anywhere?", to which the crisps stopped and replied "No thanks mate, we're Walkers".

There are several types of vests designed to protect a person...

There's Life Vests - designed to protect a person from drowning.
There's Bullet Proof Vests - designed to protect a person from bullets.
There's High Visibility Safety Vests - designed to protect a person from getting hit while near traffic.
There's Leather Vests - designed to protect a person from road rash when laying down their motorcycle.
And there's Sweater Vests - designed to protect a person from women.

I recently failed out of military school when I was asked what steps I would take to ensure my safety during a t**... attack.

Apparently, 'Fucking large ones' wasn't the right answer.

Airline passenger safety brief

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from above. If you're traveling with a child, please fit their mask first. If you have more than 1 child with you, please pick your favorite now.

3 witch fugitives were cornered by police

The redhead yelled "AIR" and a gust of wind carried her to safety.
The brunette yelled "EARTH" and a tunnel to safety appeared underneath her.
The blonde yelled "FIRE" so the police did.

What's the difference between a feminist and a gun?

A gun has safety mode to prevent accidental triggering

Why did Santa have to close his toy factory?

Elf and safety!

It should be a safety hazard for cars being towed to face traffic behind them...

Every time I look up from my phone while driving and see one they scare the *s#!t* out of me!

If The Safety Dance comes on, are we obligated to dance?

I mean, I know we can dance if we want to

How to change the blinker fluid in your car or truck:

STEP ONE: wear safety glasses! If you get any fluid in your eye, it will cause uncontrollable blinking until you wash it out.

Are you aware of the fact that many people have stopped using their remote's safety straps?

It's getting out of hand.

What's the difference between a shooting range and a school in the US?

You'll find a Safety Officer in the former.

Sleeping is the body's best safety mechanism

It keeps you from messing things up for 8 hours

What type of skydiving safety equipment definitely won't save you?

A perishute

BMW recalls 300,000 due to one safety hazard...

The drivers.

What's a safety supervisor's favourite pick-up line?

"Keep your knees bent and your back straight."

An elementary teacher was talking to her class about safety when crossing the street.

"I used to have a little brother, and on his eighth birthday my parents got him a brand new red bike. He was across the street at his grandmas' when dad wheeled it outside. My brother was so excited that he ran across the street without looking, right in front of a car. The car hit him and he died." One of the children raised his hand and asked, "Where's his bike?"

Road safety rules are written in blood.

Electrical safety rules are written in bacon.

My friend was telling me about gun safety

I guess I didn't get it, the bullet went right over my head.

A woman whose husband had entered the Navy, gave the pastor of her church a note just as he was mounting to the pulpit one Sunday morning.

The note said John Anderson, having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.
The minister in haste picked up the slip and read aloud,
John Anderson having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safely .

Yo mama so fat

Her p**... could be used as a safety net on the Eiffel tower


Safety in numbers

I've started wearing a bike helmet, cause I find safety important. Now people stare and make fun of me.

I'll never go to that spinning class again.

In 1969, the Beatles originally wrote one of their hit songs for a Broadway version of Peter Pan. Captain Hook's right hand man wanted to Broker a truce that would give Hook the ability to fly and give Peter and the Lost Boys safety from pirates. It ended with a big event where Hook and Peter flew..

Come together, right now... over Smee.

On a river rafting trip in Egypt, a couple began to sink. The husband urged his wife to swim to safety before the water got too deep, but she refused to believe she was in any danger.

She was too deep in de Nile.

Why was Santa forced to shut his grotto?

He was being investigated by the Elf and Safety Executive.
Only 341 days 'til Christmas!

My sister is taking my nephews to the gun range to teach them about gun safety.

They're not looking forward to s**... ed.

Why was the dim sum restaurant condemned?

They had a wonton disregard for safety.

Why is vaccinating before proper safety testing can occur such a bad idea?

Nobody likes p**... Inoculations.

TIL that Neopagans love "Safety Dance"

I say, Wiccan dance, Wiccan dance
Everything is out of control
Wiccan dance, Wiccan dance
We're doing it from pole to pole
Wiccan dance, Wiccan dance
Everybody look at your hands
Wiccan dance, Wiccan dance
Everybody's taking the chance

Safety joke, TIL that Neopagans love "Safety Dance"

jokes about safety