Safely Jokes
83 safely jokes and hilarious safely puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about safely that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Safely Short Jokes
Short safely jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The safely humour may include short safety jokes also.
- Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water.... .....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized.
- What's a pirate's favorite letter? A writ of safe passage from his majesty, king Charles II of England.
- My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe. Two minutes later he said, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?"
I said, "Because we're still in Manchester." - What's the perfect 'safe word'? Meatloaf
(I'd do anything for love, but I won't do that.) - It really probably isn't safe for me to be driving my car right now, But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
- My friend was telling me about a salmon that could break into safes... Turned out to be a lox myth.
- Under Kennedy, America went to the moon... Under Trump, America can't even get to Canada.
Much love from Toronto, stay safe! - A few weeks ago I ordered a box to store my money and a set of speakers online. They arrived today, safe and sound.
- The Nigerian Government is now offering a $3m reward for the safe return of the missing girls. All you need to do is provide your name, address, date of birth, bank details and mother's maiden name.
- The World Health Organization has officially announced that dogs are not able to contract COVID-19 and have released them all from quarantine. It's safe to say that WHO let the dogs out.
Share These Safely Jokes With Friends
Safely One Liners
Which safely one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with safely? I can suggest the ones about safe practical and perfectly safe.
- Mama, is this safe to eat? No honey... it's for storing our valuables.
- 5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.
- What do you call a drunk women? An uber so she can get home safe
- I asked the engineer, "What's 2+2?" He replied, "4 ... No, 5 just to be safe."
- Drive safe I saw a driver texting and driving.
It made me so mad I threw my beer at him. - Why are bass guitarists always safe? Because they stay out of treble.
- What do masks and condoms have in common? It's safe to come inside if you're wearing one
- My username is not safe for work. u/safeforwork was already taken.
- I have a locksmith joke…. ….but I don't think it's safe
- Don't join dangerous cults Practice safe sects
- Me: I'll call you when I get home so you know I'm safe Bus driver: I really don't care
- Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.
- Condoms aren't 100% safe. My buddy was wearing one when he got hit by a bus.
- How will a border wall keep us safe... If it keeps Americans IN?
- What is a necrophiliac's safe word? I'm alive.
Safely Landed Jokes
Here is a list of funny safely landed jokes and even better safely landed puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Finally some good news for the passengers of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370. Their luggage has landed safely in Manchester.
- What would you call Neil Armstrong had he burnt up in the atmosphere returning to earth instead of landing safely? An unfortu-naut...
God that was horrible.... - As a skydiving instructor, I realized midair that I had accidentally given my client the wrong backpack Me and my wife landed on the ground safely
- My friend said that he can't Base Jump from the roof of my house and land safely Not with that altitude
Witty Safely Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about safely you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean safety first jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make safely pranks.
264 students died in a school fire...
in Beijing earlier today. The most tragic thing was they all got out safely, ran around the building, and then ran back inside.
I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving
A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some pals and had a few too many whiskeys as well as beers and some rather nice claret; but knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived back safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before and have no idea where I got this one.
Atoms Have Mass?
I didn't know they were Catholic...
Thank you. Please drive home safely.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... in New York
p**... was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop at a busy intersection. The cop stopped the flow of all traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' When everyone had safely crossed the street, he would allow traffic to resume.
The officer had done this several times, and p**... still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, p**... went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across ?'
Oh, a joke standing still indeed!
A philosopher, a tree, and an elephant resided along the shore of a lake. As time passed, the philosopher, the tree, and the elephant became thirsty. The philosopher, not knowing how or where to drink safely, observed the elephant. He watched as the animal moved away from the shore into deeper waters. The elephant proceeded to drink the water surrounding itself. This was of no help to the philosopher, as swimming towards the deep waters of the lake would have proved dangerous due to predatory animals. The philosopher sought to observe the habits of the tree, but its roots were too far underground to analyze, and the different way of utilizing water made the task of understanding the system impossible to complete with only direct observation by a human. Feeling defeated, the philosopher pondered, If I cannot even keep myself healthy, why value the advanced intellect I possess over these creatures? . The intellectual grew tired, so he made his way out of the man-made safari; he drank from a water fountain close to the exit and continued by walking out of the tourist attraction.
The art of joke writing
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'
I had no Monet
To buy Degas
To make the Van Gogh.
I had De Gaulle to post this because I figured I had nothing Toulouse .
A man went onto a train with a banana and a suitcase....
He arrived at his destination safely.
A Jesuit and a Franciscan were involved in a car accident...
A Jesuit and a Franciscan were involved in a car accident. Hurriedly they got out to make sure the other person was OK, each insisting that it was probably his own fault.
Then the Jesuit, very concerned for his fellow religious, said, "You look very badly shaken up. You could probably use a stiff drink." At that he produced a flask, and the Franciscan, who was indeed a bit shaken up, took it gratefully.
"One more and I'm sure you'll be feeling fine," the Jesuit said, and the Franciscan took another. Then the Jesuit took the flask and put it safely away.
"You look a bit shaken up yourself," the Franciscan said. "Are you sure you don't want to take a bit?"
The Jesuit replied, "Oh, I certainly will; but I think I'll wait until after the police arrive."
I saw a surgeon do a hepatectomy on a patient
I guess you could say he safely delivered him
a Russian, an American and an Japanese are on a plane
The plane runs out of gas and for it to land safely two of them will have to jump out.
The Japanese yells "For Japan!" And jumps out of the plane.
The American and Russian look at each other.
Then the Russian yells "For mother Russia!" and pushes the American of the plane.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman find a magic slide...
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman find a magic slide with a steep drop at the bottom. A notice on the slide tells them that they will be given whatever they say while going down and to use it with caution.
The Englishman goes first and screams "Gooooold". He lands on a pile of gold and badly injures himself but he is content.
The Scotsman thinks then jumps on and shouts "Looooove". He lands safely in the arms of the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
The Irishman who hadn't been paying too much attention is just eager to get on the slide. He dives head first onto the slide, "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Amish women are walking down the street.
Two Amish woman are walking down the street when they come across a momma skunk and a baby skunk. A h**... comes driving by at 60 mph and runs over the momma skunk and kills it. The first Amish girl says oh my we can't let that baby skunk by itself. So she picks it up and puts it under her dress to safely take it home. The second Amish girl says what about the smell. First one responds I don't think it will mind
My friend has gotten twelve auditions for movies in the last week alone.
I asked him how and all he could say was "It's this new medication". He never told me what it was, but I could safely assume that it was a fast acting drug.
A Jewish grandmother is walking on the beach with her grandson...
Suddenly, a rogue wave comes in and sweeps the grandson out to sea. Distraught, the grandmother looks to the sky and says, "Oh god, i have always been true and faithful to you. Please bring my grandson back." And with that, another wave comes in and deposits the grandson safely on the shore. The grandmother once again looks to the sky and says, "He had a hat."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like my women like I like my viruses.
Safely contained on my laptop.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two rabbits were chased by hounds
They ran until they couldn't run anymore. Holed up in a hollow log, the rabbits were safely out of reach while the hounds bayed outside.
The boy rabbit looked at the girl rabbit and asked, "What do we do now?"
"We stay here until we outnumber them."
- w**... Guthrie
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Kindly let me help you or you will drown, ...
...said the monkey putting the fish safely up a tree.
100 Latin men and 1 Muslim walk in to a gay nightclub
They dance the night away and get home safely.
A break-dancer got arrested on suspicion of terrorism
His boombox was safely detonated by the bomb squad.
A homeless man told me to get home safely
I smiled and said, "You too!"
[True Story]: I was following a semi-truck full of coffins...
I tried to get as close as possible to read the bumper sticker on the back. When I could finally see the writing, it read "Drive safely. Yours may be on this load."
How did the cast of Friends cross the river safely?
Coz Lisa Kudrow
I saw a BMW driving safely and being respectful of other drivers today.
That was the joke.
A local property owner is being charged after their 100-year-old oak fell and struck the son of the prime minister. They are deemed responsible for the accident after they failed to maintain the tree safely.
They were charged with 1 count of tree-son.
I once dreamed that I fell down a flight of stairs.
I was so relieved when I woke up safely in the hospital.
Two chemists walk into a bar...
The first says the the bartender,
"I'll have some H2O,"
After which the second says
"I'll have some H2O too."
And they both enjoy their water, and get home safely to their families, because the bartender is a nice, reasonable man who would never serve Hydrogen Peroxide to a customer.
I once fell down 2 flights of stairs and hit my head
I quickly realized it was a dream when I woke up safely in my hospital bed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm not proud of it but I went out last night & got ridiculously drunk.
I woke up this morning next to a woman who was constantly f**... & snoring.
It felt good to know I'd made it home safely.
People keep telling me that concussions are really bad for my health.
I can safely say that after three years of playing high school football, my Brian is working just fine!
After she decided to dump me, my rich ex-girlfriend has been begging me to take her back.
I explained that when her family pays the ransom she will be safely returned.
How do you eat safely?
Always use a condiment
Guys, please don't drink and drive this holiday season!
If you want to drive safely we can help.
Please call us. We have senior experienced people of all ages
Our volunteers will come and drink for you so you can drive safely
After being married for thirty ones years and having three children, I can safely say...
Nothing
You can buy USB-powered taillights...
I guess they're for safely backing up your computer.
My dad drove my mom to the hospital when her water broke.
He drived safely all the way there, but they ended up having an accident anyways.
A man survives Hiroshima and wakes up in the hospital
Man: What happened and why am I here?
Nurse: hiroshima was hit by a bomb and despite all odds you survived. Right now you are at the hospital getting treated but you have no risk of dying so no worries.
Man: Thank god. But how about my family? Are they ok also?
Nurse: Don't worry, they all evacuated safely and are waiting at the reception room
Man: That is great news. So where am I?
Nurse: Nagasaki
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the different between an Aerophobic and a t**...?
Only of one of them is relieved when the plane safely lands.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As a homophobic, racist p**... I can safely say...
Nothing.
A man walks into the doctor's office and says 'Doctor, I have this terrible fear that I'm going to be eaten by a chicken.'
I feel like a grain of corn trapped in a man's body.'
The doctor says 'Don't worry, we can help you.'
Months go by and after many therapies the doctor says 'We've done everything we could to help you and now I can safely say that you don't feel like a grain anymore.'
The man says '*I* know that, doctor, but the chicken doesn't.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I live in Canada, so you encounter a lot of bears here. Me and my friend were walking in the forest, when we saw one, up close. I thought I was a goner, when I remembered my gun in my backpack.
One shot to my friends kneecap, and I was able to run away safely
People from High School class of '69 turn 69 this year,but because of social distancing,
69 is the safest position for distancing and everyone has some place to safely cough into.
Al, Ben, and Carl were fishing in the middle of a lake when Al fell overboard.
Ben jumped into the lake to rescue Al. When he finally found Al, he threw the body onto the boat and Carl pulled him up.
As soon as Ben was safely in the boat, he noticed that Al wasn't breathing, so he quickly gave Al mouth-to-mouth.
"Yuck!" said Ben. "I don't remember Al having such bad breath."
"Come to think of it," said Carl, "I don't remember him wearing ice skates either."
With Biden declared the winner, regardless of what side of the political spectrum you're on, I think we can all safely say...
Thanks, Obama.
Throughout my career, I have delivered many babies.
I have always enjoyed parents's look when they see their kids returned to them safely and unharmed after they pay me the ransom I asked.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a black man that is hammered AF that is stumbling to his car from the bar?
An Uber so he can get home safely
I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers...
... and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.
Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.
I have never driven a taxi before, and I'm not sure where I got it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As a racist, sexist, homophobe I can safely say...
Nothing.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'd been out drinking, and knew I'd had way too much to drive my car safely.
I knew there was a breath testing checkpoint between the bar and my place, so I decided to take a bus. Sure enough, when the bus reached the checkpoint we were waved through. This morning though when I woke up, hungover as b**..., there was a d**... bus on my lawn and I don't know what the h**... is going on
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.
The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a structural analysis and said "99.97% chance we'll make it across that bridge safely.
The anti-vaxxer responded, without even thinking "Forget that, I'm swimming!"
*Ouch!!* *Zut alors!!*
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
(...and you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to post this on raydeet.... Well, I figure I have nothing Toulouse. )
One day, Tarzan is swinging through the jungle on his favourite vine when he crashes into a monkey swinging in the other direction.
They both land safely on a tree limb below, but when Tarzan looks up, there is only one vine hanging above them. Next to it, there is only a very thin branch.
"Were you swinging on that thing?" asks Tarzan.
"Yes," replies the monkey.
Tarzan is amazed. "How do you do that?"
The monkey rolls his eyes. "Am I the only one in this whole jungle who knows how to drive a stick?"
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.
The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a structural analysis and said "There is a 99.97% chance we'll make it across that bridge safely.
The anti-vaxxer responded, without even thinking "Forget that, I'm swimming!"
I went to a bar for a New Year's celebration and took a cab home.
I went to a bar for a New Year's celebration and took a cab home. Came upon a DUI checkpoint, and when they saw the cab, they just waved us pass. After a while I made it home safely, which is surprising because I've never driven a cab.
Where should pigs be stored safely?
The swine cellar.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man faced execution by firing squad and was asked by the officer in charge if he had any last words...
Safely behind his men, the officer shouted, "SQUAD! PREPARE TO FIRE ON MY MARK! I WILL COUNT DOWN AND GIVE THE ORDER TO FIRE! PRISONER, DO YOU HAVE ANY FINAL WORDS? THREE!"
The prisoner said, "Yes sir, I do."
The officer shouted, "WHAT ARE THEY? TWO!
The prisoner shouted "ABOUT..... FACE!"
The officer shouted "FIRE!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Muslim, a Buddhist and a Christian are forced to jump off a building
So the Buddhist man jumps first. He prays: Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha... When he reaches the ground, he lands safely.
The next one is the Muslim. He jumps, and prays: Inshallah, Inshallah, Inshallah... Upon reaching the ground, he smashes so hard and dies instantly.
The last one is the Christian man. He jumps and starts praying: O u r F a t h e r i n H e a v e n, hallowed be your name. YOUR KINGDOM COME! YOUR WILL... BUDDHA, BUDDHA, BUDDHA, BUDDHA!
Computer Programmer and Mechanic Driving
A computer programmer and a mechanic were driving down a steep mountain slope. The brakes stop working. The car careens out of control and scrapes the guard rails. They make it safely to the bottom of the mountain and pull over. After recovering, the mechanic says, "The brakes must have gone out." The programmer says, "Lets turn the car off, back on, drive it up the mountain and see if it is repeatable."
Mr.Rogers once was on a cruise ship, and fell overboard into the ocean
He was then carried safely to shore by a family of sharks.
I got drunk last night and woke up next to a beast!
So I know I got home safely.
