Safely Jokes

What are some Safely jokes?

A Jewish grandmother is walking on the beach with her grandson...

Suddenly, a rogue wave comes in and sweeps the grandson out to sea. Distraught, the grandmother looks to the sky and says, "Oh god, i have always been true and faithful to you. Please bring my grandson back." And with that, another wave comes in and deposits the grandson safely on the shore. The grandmother once again looks to the sky and says, "He had a hat."

Two chemists walk into a bar...

The first says the the bartender,
"I'll have some H2O,"
After which the second says
"I'll have some H2O too."

And they both enjoy their water, and get home safely to their families, because the bartender is a nice, reasonable man who would never serve Hydrogen Peroxide to a customer.

264 students died in a school fire...

in Beijing earlier today. The most tragic thing was they all got out safely, ran around the building, and then ran back inside.

I took a taxi the other night

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.

Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home

Sure enough i pass a police road block but because it was a taxi they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.

I have never driven a taxi before, am not sure where i got it.

drunk driving.

I would like to share an experience with you, which has to do with drinking and driving. As you may be aware, some of us have had brushes with the authorities over the years. The other night I was out for dinner with a few friends. After consuming too much wine, and knowing full well that I was wasted, I did something I've never done before. Believe it or not, I took a bus home. Yes, a bus. I arrived home safely and without incident.

This was really a surprise to me since I have never driven a bus before

I'm an auto mechanic...

So I can safely say I don't understand the gay agenda.

But I do understand the Trans mission.

Guys, please don't drink and drive this holiday season!

If you want to drive safely we can help.

Please call us. We have senior experienced people of all ages


Our volunteers will come and drink for you so you can drive safely

NASA sends a redneck and a chimpanzee to the moon.

When the rocket lands on the moon's surface, the computer screen automatically switches itself on & the chimpanzee clicks on the desktop file that contains his instructions:-

1)....Ensure that rocket has landed at the correct co-ordinates and is anchored safely.
2)....Check ALL life support systems.
3)....Prepare laboratory for analysing samples.
4)....Put on space suit, step outside of rocket on to the surface, collect soil and rock samples, return to laboratory, conduct tests on samples and report back to Houston giving us your "best guess" as to whether or not the Moon is adequate for terraforming.

The chimp clicks out of his file & runs off to do his duties. The redneck then sits in front of the computer and clicks on *his* file:-
1)....Feed the chimpanzee.

I like my women like I like my viruses.

Safely contained on my laptop.

One of the smarter jokes I've picked up...

An engineer, a theoretical physicist, an experimental physicist and a philosopher are walking the hills of Scotland when they spot a black sheep. The engineer exclaims "well whaddaya know! the sheep in Scotland are black!" The theoretical physicist replies, "..well, SOME of the sheep in Scotland are black." The experimental physicist retorts, "we can safely say, at least one sheep in Scotland is black."

The philosopher says, ".... on one side, anyway."

After she decided to dump me, my rich ex-girlfriend has been begging me to take her back.

I explained that when her family pays the ransom she will be safely returned.

A Jesuit and a Franciscan were involved in a car accident...

A Jesuit and a Franciscan were involved in a car accident. Hurriedly they got out to make sure the other person was OK, each insisting that it was probably his own fault.

Then the Jesuit, very concerned for his fellow religious, said, "You look very badly shaken up. You could probably use a stiff drink." At that he produced a flask, and the Franciscan, who was indeed a bit shaken up, took it gratefully.

"One more and I'm sure you'll be feeling fine," the Jesuit said, and the Franciscan took another. Then the Jesuit took the flask and put it safely away.

"You look a bit shaken up yourself," the Franciscan said. "Are you sure you don't want to take a bit?"

The Jesuit replied, "Oh, I certainly will; but I think I'll wait until after the police arrive."

You can buy USB-powered taillights...

I guess they're for safely backing up your computer.

Paddy in New York


Paddy was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop at a busy intersection. The cop stopped the flow of all traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' When everyone had safely crossed the street, he would allow traffic to resume.

The officer had done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across ?'

My friend has gotten twelve auditions for movies in the last week alone.

I asked him how and all he could say was "It's this new medication". He never told me what it was, but I could safely assume that it was a fast acting drug.

The art of joke writing

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'

I had no Monet

To buy Degas

To make the Van Gogh.

I had De Gaulle to post this because I figured I had nothing Toulouse .

Finally some good news for the passengers of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370.

Their luggage has landed safely in Manchester.

Yesterday, I went to a Christmas Party

I had a few beers, followed by a few cocktails, followed by a few shots...

I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before: I took a cab home.

Sure enough, there was a police road block on the way home, and since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was both a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it from, and now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.

I am looking for other military jokes.

**What's The Difference?**

Do you want to know the difference between the branches of the U.S. military? If you say to them "Secure that building!"

* THE ARMY will go in kicking down doors, lay down suppressive fire, neutralize all hostiles and safely recover any civilians.
* THE MARINES will set up a razor wire perimiter, establish patrols, and deny access to unauthorized personnel.
* THE NAVY will unplug the coffee maker and turn off the computers and lights before leaving for the day.
* THE AIR FORCE will lease it for six years, with an option to buy.

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving

A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some pals and had a few too many whiskeys as well as beers and some rather nice claret; but knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived back safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before and have no idea where I got this one.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman find a magic slide...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman find a magic slide with a steep drop at the bottom. A notice on the slide tells them that they will be given whatever they say while going down and to use it with caution.

The Englishman goes first and screams "Gooooold". He lands on a pile of gold and badly injures himself but he is content.

The Scotsman thinks then jumps on and shouts "Looooove". He lands safely in the arms of the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

The Irishman who hadn't been paying too much attention is just eager to get on the slide. He dives head first onto the slide, "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

I once fell down 2 flights of stairs and hit my head

I quickly realized it was a dream when I woke up safely in my hospital bed.

20 reasons why chocolate is better than sex

1. you can *get* chocolate.

2. 'if you love me you'll swallow it' has real meaning with chocolate.

3. chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4. you can safely have chocolate while driving.

5. you can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6. you can have chocolate in front of your mother.

7. if you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate doesn't mind.

8. two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9. the word 'commitment' doesn't scare off chocolate.

10. you can have chocolate on top of your worktable or desk during working hours without upsetting your coworkers.

11. you can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12. you don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13. with chocolate there's no need to fake it.

14. chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15. you can have chocolate any time of the month.

16. good chocolate is easy to find.

17. you can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18. you are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19. when you have chocolate it doesn't keep your neighbors awake.

20. with chocolate, size doesn't matter.

A homeless man told me to get home safely

I smiled and said, "You too!"

A priest, an Army Man, and a Teacher

A priest, an army man, and a teacher are all in a helicopter. The helicopter starts to go down, so the pilot says quick everybody through anything you have on you to lighten the chopper! So the teacher throws her apple, the priest throws his bible, and the army man throws his grenade.
The helicopter lands safely, and the army man starts walking around when he sees a little girl crying. "Little girl, little girl, why are you crying?" The little girl answers, "an apple fell out of no where and hit me in the head!"
The army man continues walking until he stumbles upon another crying girl. " little girl, little girl, why are you crying?"
The girl responds, "a bible came out of no where and hit me in the head!"
The army man is walking again and sees a little boy rolling around laughing. He walks up to the boy and asks, "little boy, little boy, why are you laughing so hard?"
The boy laughs and says, "my grandpa farted, and the house behind him blew up!"

I once dreamed that I fell down a flight of stairs.

I was so relieved when I woke up safely in the hospital.

A blonde, brunette, and a red head...

So a blonde, brunette,and a red head are each forced to kill their husbands and dispose of the corpse. They all kill their victim and have the responsibility of disposing of the body so they all throw the body in the trunks of their cars. Now, they each have to drive to the location where they can safely dispose of the body. The red head gets in her car and decides she'll drive in the left lane since that's the fast lane, so she can go fast, get to the location quickly, and dispose of the body. A cop pulls her over for going too fast, she gets a ticket but gets back on her way to get rid of the body, no problem. Brunette gets into her car decides she'll drive in the right lane since that's the lane with slower traffic, to not look suspicious. Cop pulls her over for driving too slow and impeding traffic, gives her a ticket but she continues on her way, no problem. Blonde gets into her car decides to drive in the HOV lane since she never sees anyone there it'll be a smooth ride to the location. Cop pulls her over for driving in the HOV lane with only person. Cop writes her a ticket for that, blonde reads the ticket and says "No, officer, I'm not the only person in the car I have my husband in the trunk.

Made it up myself not the best but I think it is OC

3 men in a plane, one with a knife, one with a gun and one with a bomb.

The plane was about to crash so the pilot says we need to shed weight fast, you all need to chuck your luggage out. They comply. The plane stabilises and they land safely.

The guy that chucked the knife out the plane returns home and sees his mother sobbing. When he asks why she said "some madman chucked a knife from a plane and killed your father when he went to the toilet ". He remains silent.

The man with the gun decided to shed the bullets instead of the precious gun so he shot all his bullets. When he returns home he too sees his mother and crying and when he asks why she replys "some madman shot out of a plane and killed your father when he went to the toilet" he too remains silent.

The man that chucked the bomb out of the plane returns home and sees his mother laughing uncontrollably. When he asks why she said "your dad whent to the toilet, farted and blew up the house"

A man survives Hiroshima and wakes up in the hospital

Man: What happened and why am I here?

Nurse: Hiroshima was hit by a bomb and despite all odds you survived. Right now you are at the hospital getting treated but you have no risk of dying so no worries.

Man: Thank god. But how about my family? Are they ok also?

Nurse: Don't worry, they all evacuated safely and are waiting at the reception room

Man: That is great news. So where am I?

Nurse: Nagasaki

[True Story]: I was following a semi-truck full of coffins...

I tried to get as close as possible to read the bumper sticker on the back. When I could finally see the writing, it read "Drive safely. Yours may be on this load."

Two crazy men escape from an asylum, through a roof top.

The first man jumps across to the next rooftop, and tells the other "There's plenty of roof tops. We can go pretty far if we keep jumping through em' like this."

The second one is afraid of falling. "No way man! I don't want to fall and die."

The first one then grabs a flashlight, shines it across the gap between rooftops and says "Here, you can walk across safely now."

The second one then responds, "You think I'm crazy? You'll just turn it off when I'm halfway there!"

Two rabbits were chased by hounds

They ran until they couldn't run anymore. Holed up in a hollow log, the rabbits were safely out of reach while the hounds bayed outside.

The boy rabbit looked at the girl rabbit and asked, "What do we do now?"

"We stay here until we outnumber them."
- Woody Guthrie

Oh, a joke standing still indeed!

A philosopher, a tree, and an elephant resided along the shore of a lake. As time passed, the philosopher, the tree, and the elephant became thirsty. The philosopher, not knowing how or where to drink safely, observed the elephant. He watched as the animal moved away from the shore into deeper waters. The elephant proceeded to drink the water surrounding itself. This was of no help to the philosopher, as swimming towards the deep waters of the lake would have proved dangerous due to predatory animals. The philosopher sought to observe the habits of the tree, but its roots were too far underground to analyze, and the different way of utilizing water made the task of understanding the system impossible to complete with only direct observation by a human. Feeling defeated, the philosopher pondered, If I cannot even keep myself healthy, why value the advanced intellect I possess over these creatures? . The intellectual grew tired, so he made his way out of the man-made safari; he drank from a water fountain close to the exit and continued by walking out of the tourist attraction.

Driver's License Test Question:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
.
.
.
.
Get off the Merry-Go-Round, you're drunk!

After being married for thirty ones years and having three children, I can safely say...

Nothing

What would you call Neil Armstrong had he burnt up in the atmosphere returning to earth instead of landing safely?

An unfortu-naut...
God that was horrible....

A woman pregnant with triplets goes into a grocery store and gets shot 3 times in the stomach during a robbery...

She is rushed to the hospital and all known tests are run on her. The doctor approaches her and tells her the children are all fine, but it's too late in the pregnancy to safely remove the bullets. They would fall out in their own time.

The woman gives birth to 3 healthy kids. Two girls, and a boy.

16 years later, the first little girl comes running in yelling "mommy mommy! I was peeing and a bullet fell out!"

The mother reassures her daughter and explains the story to her.

The next week, the second little girl comes running in yelling "mommy mommy! I was peeing and a bullet fell out!"

So again, the mother reassures her daughter and explains the story.

The next week, the boy comes in distraught. There are tears running down his face and he is crying hard.

The mother takes a look at him worried and says "let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet fell out?"

The boy responds "no! I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"

My dad drove my mom to the hospital when her water broke.

He drived safely all the way there, but they ended up having an accident anyways.

Fairly Dry, Fairly Dark

I honestly don't think people should be covering up their bodies. I don't think people should hide their bodies away from society. No. I think that people need to dispose of their bodies safely, with Lye or perhaps some sort of Acid. Because really, any evidence is too much evidence these days.

So a friend gets really drunk at a bar...

His friends decide he has had too much to drink. They lift him up and carry him to the car and he can barely walk. He falls 11 times on the way to the car and another 7 times as they carry him up to the door to his house.

The friends bring the man to his wife and she says, "thanks for bringing him back safely, he has really been drinking too much lately. Thanks for everything but where is his wheelchair?"

Helicopter Crash

A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly loses engine power and the aircraft begins to descend


The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them.


Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door.


The pilots screams at him, "Didn't you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!!!"


"Of course I heard you", the man replied, "but it's also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!!"

People keep telling me that concussions are really bad for my health.

I can safely say that after three years of playing high school football, my Brian is working just fine!

I live in Canada, so you encounter a lot of bears here. Me and my friend were walking in the forest, when we saw one, up close. I thought I was a goner, when I remembered my gun in my backpack.

One shot to my friends kneecap, and I was able to run away safely

A boy and his father are walking through a pharmacy when they pass by the condom aisle.

Seeing the different packages and count, the boy curiously points them out and asks his father what they're for.

"Well son, the three pack is for the highschool couples so they can safely have sex, once every other day."

He looks to the eight pack. "Those are for the college couples, twice a week."

Finally he looks at the twelve pack. "And those," he sighs, "are for the married couples. Once in January, once in February, once in March..."

A local property owner is being charged after their 100-year-old oak fell and struck the son of the prime minister. They are deemed responsible for the accident after they failed to maintain the tree safely.

They were charged with 1 count of tree-son.

Two Amish women are walking down the street.

Two Amish woman are walking down the street when they come across a momma skunk and a baby skunk. A hummer comes driving by at 60 mph and runs over the momma skunk and kills it. The first Amish girl says oh my we can't let that baby skunk by itself. So she picks it up and puts it under her dress to safely take it home. The second Amish girl says what about the smell. First one responds I don't think it will mind

A man walks into the doctor's office and says 'Doctor, I have this terrible fear that I'm going to be eaten by a chicken.'

I feel like a grain of corn trapped in a man's body.'

The doctor says 'Don't worry, we can help you.'

Months go by and after many therapies the doctor says 'We've done everything we could to help you and now I can safely say that you don't feel like a grain anymore.'

The man says '*I* know that, doctor, but the chicken doesn't.'

a Russian, an American and an Japanese are on a plane

The plane runs out of gas and for it to land safely two of them will have to jump out.

The Japanese yells "For Japan!" And jumps out of the plane.

The American and Russian look at each other.

Then the Russian yells "For mother Russia!" and pushes the American of the plane.

Two Japanese and American....

Two Japanese copilots and an American are flying over japan when the planes engines fail.

The first Japanese pilot jumps out of the plane and says, " Oh great Buddha please help me!" And Buddha grabs him by his hands and safely puts him on the ground.

The second Japanese pilot jumps out of the plane and says, " Oh great Buddha please help me!" And Buddha grabs him by his hands and safely puts him on the ground.

The American thinks to himself, if it worked for them, maybe it will work for me. He proceeds to jump out of the plane and exclaim, " Oh great Buddha please help me!" And Buddha grabs him by his hands, but on the way down the American says, "Oh thank god!"

And Buddha drops him.

I'm not proud of it but I went out last night & got ridiculously drunk.

I woke up this morning next to a woman who was constantly farting & snoring.
It felt good to know I'd made it home safely.

How do you eat safely?

Always use a condiment

I saw a BMW driving safely and being respectful of other drivers today.

That was the joke.

As a skydiving instructor, I realized midair that I had accidentally given my client the wrong backpack

Me and my wife landed on the ground safely

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex...

...I woke up and found myself next to a really ugly woman. That's when I realized I'd made it to your home safely.

I saw a surgeon do a hepatectomy on a patient

I guess you could say he safely delivered him

How did the cast of Friends cross the river safely?

Coz Lisa Kudrow

A brunette and 9 blondes are rock climbing...

and get stuck, unable to continue their ascent and also unable to safely retreat. Upset at themselves for not taking safety precautions, they begin discussing any possible ways of getting help. Eventually, the brunette makes a moving speech about why she should be the one to drop down and seek help, potentially injuring herself. Moved by her selflessness and eloquence, the 9 blondes start clapping...

A man went onto a train with a banana and a suitcase....

He arrived at his destination safely.

How to make Safely jokes?

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