safely Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious safely puns

A Jewish grandmother is walking on the beach with her grandson...

Suddenly, a rogue wave comes in and sweeps the grandson out to sea. Distraught, the grandmother looks to the sky and says, "Oh god, i have always been true and faithful to you. Please bring my grandson back." And with that, another wave comes in and deposits the grandson safely on the shore. The grandmother once again looks to the sky and says, "He had a hat."


Two chemists walk into a bar...

The first says the the bartender,
"I'll have some H2O,"
After which the second says
"I'll have some H2O too."

And they both enjoy their water, and get home safely to their families, because the bartender is a nice, reasonable man who would never serve Hydrogen Peroxide to a customer.


264 students died in a school fire...

in Beijing earlier today. The most tragic thing was they all got out safely, ran around the building, and then ran back inside.


I took a taxi the other night

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.

Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home

Sure enough i pass a police road block but because it was a taxi they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.

I have never driven a taxi before, am not sure where i got it.


I'm an auto mechanic...

So I can safely say I don't understand the gay agenda.

But I do understand the Trans mission.


drunk driving.

I would like to share an experience with you, which has to do with drinking and driving. As you may be aware, some of us have had brushes with the authorities over the years. The other night I was out for dinner with a few friends. After consuming too much wine, and knowing full well that I was wasted, I did something I've never done before. Believe it or not, I took a bus home. Yes, a bus. I arrived home safely and without incident.

This was really a surprise to me since I have never driven a bus before


There's a Doctor, a lawyer, and a priest on a sinking cruise ship

The doctor says,"We have to find all the children and get them off this boat safely, after all... Children are our future." The lawyer responds, "Fuck the children," to which the priest says, "Do we have time??"


Guys, please don't drink and drive this holiday season!

If you want to drive safely we can help.

Please call us. We have senior experienced people of all ages

Our volunteers will come and drink for you so you can drive safely


The Wishing Cliff

There was a cliff in the middle of the desert that if a person jumped off of it and shouted out their greatest desire they would safely land in a large pile of that object at the bottom. Three friends make the trip but are very skeptical. They decide to start out on something simple and safe and work their way up to more complex wishes. The first friend runs and jumps and yells "Money!" And sure enough he safely lands in a pile of money. The second friend gets a little braver and runs and yells "Naked Ladies!" and sure enough he lands right in the middle of an orgy of naked ladies. They saved the biggest wish for last and the two at the bottom looked up in anticipation as the last friend got ready to go. He gets a running start but trips on a rock as he jumps and yells "Oh Shit!"


Captain Blackbeard and his first mate Kelly capture a ship searching for precious jewels...

The ship is carrying three groups: guides, soldiers, and miners. They are transferring the three groups over in three boats. During the transfer, the boat with the guides capsizes, followed by the soldiers, but the miners cross safely.
A bloom of jellyfish passes by and stings the men in the water. Once Blackbeard gets the stung men on board, he hope's to ease their pain and orders his men to urinate on them.
He looks around to see his first mate peeing on a group of very upset (and very dry) men. He yells out, "Aaaarrrrr Kelly! Quit pissin on those miners!"


NASA sends a redneck and a chimpanzee to the moon.

When the rocket lands on the moon's surface, the computer screen automatically switches itself on & the chimpanzee clicks on the desktop file that contains his instructions:-

1)....Ensure that rocket has landed at the correct co-ordinates and is anchored safely.
2)....Check ALL life support systems.
3)....Prepare laboratory for analysing samples.
4)....Put on space suit, step outside of rocket on to the surface, collect soil and rock samples, return to laboratory, conduct tests on samples and report back to Houston giving us your "best guess" as to whether or not the Moon is adequate for terraforming.

The chimp clicks out of his file & runs off to do his duties. The redneck then sits in front of the computer and clicks on *his* file:-
1)....Feed the chimpanzee.


I like my women like I like my viruses.

Safely contained on my laptop.



Two guys were walking their dogs and came across a bar. Since they were hot and tired from walking the dogs they decided to go in and have a drink. Unfortunately, the bar didn't allow dogs. There was no place to safely secure the dogs, so they started thinking of ideas to get in the bar. Then one of the guys had an idea.

"Just watch me and follow my lead," he said.

He walked into the bar with his dog and the bartender stopped and said to him, "I'm sorry but I can't let you in here."

The guy looked at the bartender and asked, "Why not?"

The bartender replied, "Well, we don't allow dogs into the bar."

"But this is my seeing eye dog," the guy said.

"Oh, I'm sorry sir come on in, and by the way, nice golden retriever."

The guy went into the bar and the second guy walked in with his dog. The bartender stopped him and told him he can't let him in. When asked why not the bartender replied that you cannot have dogs in his bar.

"But this is my seeing eye dog," said the second guy.

The bartender looked at the man and then looked at the dog. After a while he said, "Sir, ah… um… a Chihuahua?"

The man looked a little puzzled and then says," What The Hell! They Gave me a Fucking Chihuahua"?!!


A Jesuit and a Franciscan were involved in a car accident...

A Jesuit and a Franciscan were involved in a car accident. Hurriedly they got out to make sure the other person was OK, each insisting that it was probably his own fault.

Then the Jesuit, very concerned for his fellow religious, said, "You look very badly shaken up. You could probably use a stiff drink." At that he produced a flask, and the Franciscan, who was indeed a bit shaken up, took it gratefully.

"One more and I'm sure you'll be feeling fine," the Jesuit said, and the Franciscan took another. Then the Jesuit took the flask and put it safely away.

"You look a bit shaken up yourself," the Franciscan said. "Are you sure you don't want to take a bit?"

The Jesuit replied, "Oh, I certainly will; but I think I'll wait until after the police arrive."


One of the smarter jokes I've picked up...

An engineer, a theoretical physicist, an experimental physicist and a philosopher are walking the hills of Scotland when they spot a black sheep. The engineer exclaims "well whaddaya know! the sheep in Scotland are black!" The theoretical physicist replies, "..well, SOME of the sheep in Scotland are black." The experimental physicist retorts, "we can safely say, at least one sheep in Scotland is black."

The philosopher says, ".... on one side, anyway."


After she decided to dump me, my rich ex-girlfriend has been begging me to take her back.

I explained that when her family pays the ransom she will be safely returned.


A joke about hell

A man from Michigan, sick of the cold, decides he wants to take a break and go to Florida for a few days. His wife happens to be on a business trip and will arrive later. After the man arrives, he decides to send his wife a quick email to let her know he arrived safely. His wife had recently changed her email address, and because the man had not memorized the address well enough, he got one letter wrong and sent the email to an elderly woman whose husband, a former pastor, had passed away the other day. The elderly woman was reading her emails when she read the one from the Michigan man, shrieked, and fainted. Her family rushed in to see what had happened and saw the email on the screen, which read:

Dearest wife, just checked in, everything is set for your arrival tommorow. P.S, it's burning down here


You can buy USB-powered taillights...

I guess they're for safely backing up your computer.


Paddy in New York

Paddy was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop at a busy intersection. The cop stopped the flow of all traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' When everyone had safely crossed the street, he would allow traffic to resume.

The officer had done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across ?'


My friend has gotten twelve auditions for movies in the last week alone.

I asked him how and all he could say was "It's this new medication". He never told me what it was, but I could safely assume that it was a fast acting drug.


The art of joke writing

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'

I had no Monet

To buy Degas

To make the Van Gogh.

I had De Gaulle to post this because I figured I had nothing Toulouse .


Yesterday, I went to a Christmas Party

I had a few beers, followed by a few cocktails, followed by a few shots...

I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before: I took a cab home.

Sure enough, there was a police road block on the way home, and since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was both a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it from, and now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.


I am looking for other military jokes.

**What's The Difference?**

Do you want to know the difference between the branches of the U.S. military? If you say to them "Secure that building!"

* THE ARMY will go in kicking down doors, lay down suppressive fire, neutralize all hostiles and safely recover any civilians.
* THE MARINES will set up a razor wire perimiter, establish patrols, and deny access to unauthorized personnel.
* THE NAVY will unplug the coffee maker and turn off the computers and lights before leaving for the day.
* THE AIR FORCE will lease it for six years, with an option to buy.


Finally some good news for the passengers of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370.

Their luggage has landed safely in Manchester.


Taking a taxi home

One night, a man went out drinking with his friends. After having several drinks, he decided it was time to go home, but he knew that if he were to get pulled over, he would most certainly go to jail; so he decided to take a taxi home, good thing too, for on his way home, he passed through a DUI roadblock. Since he was in a Taxi, the police officers waved him on through. He eventually arrived home safely without a hitch, but when he woke up the next morning and walked outside, he wondered what in the hell he was going to do with the taxi!


A man is sitting in a bar...

A man is sitting in a bar having a beer. This other guy walks in, goes to the bar. He orders a shot of the special tequila and slams it down. He walks out to the building across the street, up to the roof, then jumps off and lands in the street on his feet. He walks back into the bar, orders another shot of special tequila, goes back the building and jumps off, again landing safely. He walks back in and tells the first guy, "Hey you should try that special tequila." The first guy says "OK, gimme a shot." He takes a shot, goes to the roof, jumps off, and SPLAT, is turned into a puddle of liquid goo. Bartender looks at the second guy, "Superman, you're such an asshole."


I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving

A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some pals and had a few too many whiskeys as well as beers and some rather nice claret; but knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived back safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before and have no idea where I got this one.


An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman find a magic slide...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman find a magic slide with a steep drop at the bottom. A notice on the slide tells them that they will be given whatever they say while going down and to use it with caution.

The Englishman goes first and screams "Gooooold". He lands on a pile of gold and badly injures himself but he is content.

The Scotsman thinks then jumps on and shouts "Looooove". He lands safely in the arms of the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

The Irishman who hadn't been paying too much attention is just eager to get on the slide. He dives head first onto the slide, "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"


I once fell down 2 flights of stairs and hit my head

I quickly realized it was a dream when I woke up safely in my hospital bed.


20 reasons why chocolate is better than sex

1. you can *get* chocolate.

2. 'if you love me you'll swallow it' has real meaning with chocolate.

3. chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4. you can safely have chocolate while driving.

5. you can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6. you can have chocolate in front of your mother.

7. if you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate doesn't mind.

8. two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9. the word 'commitment' doesn't scare off chocolate.

10. you can have chocolate on top of your worktable or desk during working hours without upsetting your coworkers.

11. you can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12. you don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13. with chocolate there's no need to fake it.

14. chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15. you can have chocolate any time of the month.

16. good chocolate is easy to find.

17. you can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18. you are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19. when you have chocolate it doesn't keep your neighbors awake.

20. with chocolate, size doesn't matter.


So there's an owl and a lizard smoking weed together up in a tree.

Then after about 20 minutes of smoking, the lizard all high says man I really need a drink of water. So the lizard stumbles down out of the tree and to the waters edge, he goes to take a drink and falls in,with the lizard panicking an alligator picks him up and sets him safely back on shore then asks the lizard what the hell is wrong with him and he tells the alligator about him and the owl smoking weed in the tree together. So the alligator walks over to the tree to give the owl a piece of his mind, and when he gets to the tree he yells up at the owl, the owl looks down and rubs his eyes and says WOOOO MAN HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!


A man decides to show his love for his girlfriend...

... by getting her name (Wendy) tattooed on his penis. Unfortunately, when the penis isn't erect, you can only see the letters "W" and "Y".

A few weeks later, the man and his girlfriend go on a trip to the Caribbean. After the plane lands, and they arrive safely at the gate, he tells his SO that he needs to use the restroom.

Upon arriving at the restroom, a Jamaican man walks up to use the urinal next to him.

The man accidentally glanced over and saw the letters "W" and "Y" also happened to be tattooed on the Jamaican man's penis.

The man asked, "Oh, is your girlfriend's name Wendy too?"

The Jamaican man responded, "No, my tattoo says 'Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day'."


A priest, an Army Man, and a Teacher

A priest, an army man, and a teacher are all in a helicopter. The helicopter starts to go down, so the pilot says quick everybody through anything you have on you to lighten the chopper! So the teacher throws her apple, the priest throws his bible, and the army man throws his grenade.
The helicopter lands safely, and the army man starts walking around when he sees a little girl crying. "Little girl, little girl, why are you crying?" The little girl answers, "an apple fell out of no where and hit me in the head!"
The army man continues walking until he stumbles upon another crying girl. " little girl, little girl, why are you crying?"
The girl responds, "a bible came out of no where and hit me in the head!"
The army man is walking again and sees a little boy rolling around laughing. He walks up to the boy and asks, "little boy, little boy, why are you laughing so hard?"
The boy laughs and says, "my grandpa farted, and the house behind him blew up!"


A homeless man told me to get home safely

I smiled and said, "You too!"


I once dreamed that I fell down a flight of stairs.

I was so relieved when I woke up safely in the hospital.


What are the most funny Safely jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Safely? Well, here are the best Safely dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Safely pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes