Safe Jokes
143 safe jokes and hilarious safe puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about safe that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Make sure you always stay on the safe side with humor - find the perfect kid safe, school safe, or family safe jokes for any situation. Whether you're looking for safe jokes for work, job interviews, or family nights, you'll find the safest jokes that are sure to make everyone laugh without any worry of being too pensively or insecure.
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Funniest Safe Short Jokes
Short safe jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The safe humour may include short secure jokes also.
- Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water.... .....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized.
- What's a pirate's favorite letter? A writ of safe passage from his majesty, king Charles II of England.
- Engineer and Anti-vaxxer come to the bridge Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge?
Engineer: It is 99,97% safe to cross that bridge.
Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim. - My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe. Two minutes later he said, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?"
I said, "Because we're still in Manchester." - What's the perfect 'safe word'? Meatloaf
(I'd do anything for love, but I won't do that.) - What do you call a black man that is hammered AF that is stumbling to his car from the bar? An Uber so he can get home safely
- It really probably isn't safe for me to be driving my car right now, But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
- My friend was telling me about a salmon that could break into safes... Turned out to be a lox myth.
- Not sure why people are getting grief for using ivermectin to combat covid The label clearly states it is safe for use in donkeys and jackassess.
- Under Kennedy, America went to the moon... Under Trump, America can't even get to Canada.
Much love from Toronto, stay safe!
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Safe One Liners
Which safe one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with safe? I can suggest the ones about healthy and protect.
- Mama, is this safe to eat? No honey... it's for storing our valuables.
- 5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.
- What do you call a drunk women? An uber so she can get home safe
- I asked the engineer, "What's 2+2?" He replied, "4 ... No, 5 just to be safe."
- 5 out of six researchers conclude, Russian roulette is complete safe.
- Drive safe I saw a driver texting and driving.
It made me so mad I threw my beer at him. - Why are bass guitarists always safe? Because they stay out of treble.
- What do masks and condoms have in common? It's safe to come inside if you're wearing one
- My username is not safe for work. u/safeforwork was already taken.
- Five out of six people agree Russian roulette is completely safe.
- Russian Roulette 5/6 doctors say that its safe to play.
- I have a locksmith joke…. ….but I don't think it's safe
- 5 out of 6 doctors agree... That Russian Roulette is completely safe.
- Don't join dangerous cults Practice safe sects
- Me: I'll call you when I get home so you know I'm safe Bus driver: I really don't care
Drive Safe Jokes
Here is a list of funny drive safe jokes and even better drive safe puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why does the toyota Prius have more accidents on record than any other car? It's really hard to drive safe while patting yourself on the back.
- People are always asking me, "When are you going to learn to drive?" I don't think they feel very safe in my taxi.
- My dad drove my mom to the hospital when her water broke. He drived safely all the way there, but they ended up having an accident anyways.
- I saw a BMW driving safely and being respectful of other drivers today. That was the joke.
- Be extra safe on the roads today everybody, us men will be drinking Which means our women will be driving
- I forgot my coffee this morning so I'm gonna drive on the rumble strips along the side of the road all the way to work just to be safe.
- Atoms Have Mass? I didn't know they were Catholic...
Thank you. Please drive home safely.
Work Safe Jokes
Here is a list of funny work safe jokes and even better work safe puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How do you get the attention of a pervert? A Not Safe For Work Tag.
- A made up a joke about covid-19 that will work only in the future... ... It'll be fun when nobody gets it.
(Stay safe y'all) - People keep telling me that concussions are really bad for my health. I can safely say that after three years of playing high school football, my Brian is working just fine!
- Women are like rollercoasters. I tend to observe them from a safe distance, and due to my height they don't work well with me anyway.
- Why do todays university graduates only want to work at banks? It's the only job with a guaranteed safe space.
- Joke 5366 Sub-version 8.41 ...........conclusion 1.4b (the not safe for work ending)
- How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag? Take the "S" out of "Safe" and the "F" out of "Way"
(Works best if you say this joke out loud) - I too found a safe at work and tried opening it... Bank security guard fired at me and police arrested me. It was not safe for me.
- Your way sounds super safe and rational. Let's do it my way.
- What's the most not safe for work indian name? Hardik.
Safe For Work Jokes
Here is a list of funny safe for work jokes and even better safe for work puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Not safe for work Space heaters
- What did one burglar say to the other while handing him a small drill machine? Not For Safe Work
- How do you know your s**... partner works in IT? They insist your safe word has an upper case letter, a lower case letter, and at least one number.
Safe Practical Jokes
Here is a list of funny safe practical jokes and even better safe practical puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How do you avoid stds while in a dangerous cult? By making sure to practice safe sects
- I encountered a courteous, safe driver in a practical vehicle that had a marine corps decal on the rear windshield.
- Please practice safe text. Use a comma & you won't miss a period.
- Practice safe lunch... Use a condiment.
- What's the best way to practice safe eating habits? By using condiments.
- Don't be an ogre. Practice safe shreks.
- Practice safe eating. Use condiments
Just make sure the Mayo doesn't get everywhere.
Be prepared! - What's the most important part of learning to play the saxophone? Practicing safe sax.
- Why should all teenagers get a case for their cell phones? Because they should use protection to practice safe text
- How do you practice safe snacking? With condiments
Kid Safe Jokes
Here is a list of funny kid safe jokes and even better kid safe puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I wanted to make sure my kids were safe when they are playing outside.... So I put an ISIS flag in my window.
Now my neighbors watch them 24/7. - Just saw a kid riding a bike Thought it was mine, I checked the garage and it's still there, locked up, safe and sound, begging for food.
- What did the buffalo say to his kid when he went off too college? I love you son, have a safe trip and don't do anything I wouldn't do.
- What's the best joke you know that's kid-safe? I know plenty of raunchy jokes, but was asked this recently and came up blank
- Throughout my career, I have delivered many babies. I have always enjoyed parents's look when they see their kids returned to them safely and unharmed after they pay me the ransom I asked.
- Using a pencil to vote in the 2015 General Election... As safe an option as letting Jimmy Saville volunteer in a Kids Hospital.
- When my kids become wild and unruly... ...I use a nice safe playpen.
When they're finished, I climb out. - I don't vaccinate my kids because I don't feel safe jamming a needle into their arm. I'd rather have a professional do it
- FriEND, BoyfriEND, GirlfriEND... Only Communism doesn't have end... Stay safe kids
- So I heard Thailand saved some kids who were spelunking? So now that they are safe are we going back to all the news stories of people spelunking in young Thai kids?
Heartwarming Safe Jokes that Make You Laugh
What funny jokes about safe you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean guard jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make safe pranks.
If I was addicted to m**... and then I got addicted to s**......
Would it be safe to assume my addiction got out of hand?
why did Princess Diana cross the road?
Because she wasn't wearing her seat-belt.
Stay safe tonight everyone!
This used to be my Dad's favorite joke. "The End of the World"
The world is ending by nuclear warfare and there are three men riding on a plane to a fallout shelter where they would be safe and ride out the devastation. The three men are: the president, the pope, and a young hippie.
Suddenly, as they are nearing their destination, the plane malfunctions and is going down quickly. The three passengers look at each other, then realize: there are only two parachutes.
The President hastily grabs a bag and before jumping out of the hatch says," I am God's gift to you all! I rule the United States! I am the leader this world will need! I am the SMARTEST man on this planet!"
Realizing they don't have much time the pope quickly says to the hippie, "My son, you have many more years to live than I, it would only be right for you to seize this opportunity and fulfill-"
The hippie begins laughing, startling the pope into silence, and says, "Don't worry Father, the smartest man on the planet just jumped out of the plane with my backpack on!"
What's the safest place in Dallas during a tornado?
The Cowboys stadium, the only place there'll never be a touchdown
Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn decide to go rob a bank.
"Now, remember the plan," Ivy tells Harley.
"Yeah, yeah, no problem!" She says, and walks into the bank. Ivy waits in the getaway car.
Time passes. Five minutes...ten...Ivy starts getting worried...fifteen...
Suddenly Harley comes rushing out of the bank, dragging a safe behind her all t**... in rope. Behing her, the guard comes running out with his pants down.
Ivy groans. "Harley, you idiot! I said to tie up the guard and blow the safe!
How to make girls feel safe in the hallways
I often find myself walking behind various girls while I'm going about my day and I'm always concerned I'm making them feel unsafe. So I like to remind myself not to walk like a r**....
I find this works much better if I don't say it out loud.
The Nigerian Government is now offering a $3m reward for the safe return of the missing girls.
All you need to do is provide your name, address, date of birth, bank details and mother's maiden name.
First joke I ever learned
An elderly man arrives home from bingo and his wife comes running up to him.
"Thank goodness you're home safe! I was watching the news and apparently a lunatic was driving down the wrong side of the freeway!"
He responds, "*A* Lunatic? There were hundreds of them!"
Masked man robs a s**... bank...
... He approaches the safe with a gun and yells at the nurse,
"Open up this safe!"
Nurse replied in fear, "But sir this is a s**... bank, we don't have any money here."
I said open up this safe now!" he yelled again and the nurse opened it up.
"Now drink this viel!"
"But sir this is s**...!"
"I said drink!" and the nurse drank with disgust.
"Drink another!" and she emptied another viel with less resistance.
The robber reveals his face and nurse found out that the robber was actually her husband.
"Now Sharon, was it really that hard?"
A blonde and a brunette decide to rob a bank...
The brunette is the getaway driver. She told the plan to the blonde, told her to be back in less than 5 minutes, and dropped her off at the front door of the bank.
10 minutes goes by.... No sight of the blonde...
20 minutes goes by... No sight of the blonde...
Finally, after a half hour the blonde comes running out of the bank, dragging the safe by a long rope. As soon as the blonde gets into the car, the brunette sees the guard running as fast as he can towards them, with his pants at his ankles...
After a few moments of silence, the brunette realizes what happened and screamed to the blonde, " You IDIOT! You were supposed to tie up the guard and blow the safe!!!"
My ex girlfriend and I had a safe word...
So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.
Got Drunk
Went out with some friends last night and tied one on.
Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have never done before.
I took a bus home. I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising
as I have never driven a bus before.
A masked man goes into a s**... bank.
A masked man goes into a s**... bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says,
Open the safe.
She says, This isn't a real bank; it's a s**... bank.
He says, Open the safe or I'll shoot.
She opens the safe, and he says, Now take one of the bottles and drink it.
After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is
her husband.
He says, Now you see? It's not so difficult, is it?
How do Mongolians practice safe s**...?
They use a khandom.
I'm s**... attracted to metal boxes with locking systems.
But don't worry. It's safe s**....
Hillary Clinton is the Windows 10 of the election
She's terrible at keeping your information safe, keeps promising new upgrades but really has been the same OS since 98, and is constantly trying to install herself when you're happy with the system you've been using for the last 8 years.
I always wear a helmet during i**... cause I'm a firm believer in safe s**....
Doesn't help much against the STD's but it sure is effective against the pepper-spray.
Everybody who has played Russian Roulette will tell you it's safe.
Well, at least 5/6 people will.
Told an inmate to have a safe drive home.
I'm a corrections officer, getting ready to head out at shift change:
Inmate: "drive home safe"
Me: "yeah you too..."
Me: (thinking "oops, ouch")
Coworker: "Muahahaha"
Inmate: (hops into his imaginary car and shuffles to his cell making f**... engine noises, screeches the brakes, steps out of his car and into his cell. Pokes his head out) "Made it home safe dad"
Me and my coworker burst out laughing
Why don't ethnic and gender studies majors become astronauts?
Because there's no such thing as safe space.
What's the safest place to hide a dead body?
Page 2 of Google search.
A cop pulled me over.....
and said I was doing 70 in a 50 mph zone. I explained I was only trying to keep a safe distance from the car behind.
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde visit a magical bridge.
The sign reads "Magical bridge: Jump off the bridge and shout out what you want to land in and so it shall be."
The brunette goes first, she climbs on the rail, jumps off and yells "Pillows!" She lands safe and sound in a pile of pillows.
The redhead jumps next. " Hundred dollar bills!" She yells and lands in a huge pile of money.
The blonde goes last. She climbs up, jumps off and gets scared. She yells "Oh shiiiiiiiit!"
They should make another Taken movie about Liam Neeson being underappreciated for keeping his family safe
It should be called Taken 4: Granted
The odds of getting on a plane with a bomb on it are 950,000 to one -
The odds of getting on a plane with two bombs on it are closer to 700,000,000 to one So, to be safe, I always bring my own bomb.
S. W.
I put my USDA inspected chicken s**... in my wallet.
Now my legal tender is safe.
Before I could take a drink of my milk, my dad snatched the glass from in front of me, held it just to the side of my head and slowly moved it from one side of my face to the other. There, it's safe to drink now , he said....
It's been past your eyes
He's been gone for almost 20 years, and I still remember the dad jokes like they were perfectly executed yesterday.
How do Welsh farmers practice safe s**...?
Spray a red 'X' on the back of ones that kick.
My daughter asked me today:"Dad, What is s**...?"
I had feared this moment would come and didn't think it would come this soon but nevertheless I was prepared.
So I sat her down and explained it all. The birds and the bees, the different s**... orientations, all the positions and of course I had to mention all the STD's and the rules of safe s**....
When I finished she looked at me shocked and confused:
"So... which box should I check on this form? Male or Female?"
Your wife is our hostage. You have 12 hours to send us one million dollars or we'll kill her!
Upon reading this text message, the husband responds...
My wife is actually sleeping right next to me, safe and sound but please tell me more about this deal, I may be interested.
Condoms do not guarantee safe s**...
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was stabbed by the woman's husband
A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,
She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.
15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.
Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.
Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"
The son replied, "No, what? I was m**... and I shot the dog."
Where's the safest place to hide after shooting someone?
Behind your badge.
Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the n**... woman they find in there.
A startled, n**..., man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."
The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of them says, "Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that."
The man replies, "I do, and she will be home any minute!"
An anti-vaxxer passes away...
...and finds herself in heaven. God himself greets her, shows her around and asks if she has any questions.
She says "Not about heaven, but was I right about vaccines?"
God laughed and said "No, vaccines are perfectly safe and should be administered to everyone".
The woman just can't believe it. She's absolutely distraught, until it finally dawns on her: this conspiracy must go even higher than I thought!"
What does LGBTQ stand for in 2020
Lets get back to quarantine, obviously
Stay safe everyone
What do you call parents who don't teach their children about safe s**...?
Grandparents!
The World Health Organization has officially announced that dogs are not able to contract COVID-19 and have released them all from quarantine.
It's safe to say that WHO let the dogs out.
her: I'll have the salad, no nuts, please.
**waiter:** of course
**me:** it didn't say it had nuts
**her:** I'm allergic, so I tell them to be safe
**me:** that makes sense
**waiter:** and for you?
**me:** steak, no bees, please.
The best safe-word for s**... is 'meatloaf'
It means "I'll do anything for love, but I won't do that."
I didn't tell anybody but I volunteered for the Russian vaccine trials for C-19 in Amsterdam
I received my first shot today and wanted to let you all know that it's completely safe with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι χoρoshό я чувствую себя немного странно
Condoms don't guarantee safe s**... any more.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
The best safe word to use during s**... is meatloaf
Because it means, I would do anything for love, but I won't do that
I heard that 1 in every 5 people from a group have the potential to be a serial killer
So I killed them all just to be safe.
After The Flood...
After the flood, satisfied his work was done, Noah was inspecting the Ark one last time when he came across a pair of snakes.
"Why are you still here?" he asked in surprise. "It's safe now. Go forth! And multiply!"
The snakes stared at him in confusion.
"But....we're adders."
Women see s**... like buying a car
Can I see myself in this long term?
Is it safe?
Is it reliable?
Can it kill me?
Guys look at s**... like parking a car.
There's a spot.
There's another spot.
Oh I have to pay? Never-mind.
Handicapped? Hope no-one sees this!
A few weeks ago I ordered a box to store my money and a set of speakers online.
They arrived today, safe and sound.
I'm walking down the street when out of nowhere a shellfish falls out of the sky
and hits me in the head. Dazed, I pick up the mollusk and say "Where did you come from, little guy?" The shell creases open slightly and I hear it say "A tornado picked me and threw me. You better get somewhere safe, it's headed this way!" I look around and see mostly blue skies, except for a few clouds. That's when I realized:
It was the clam before the storm.
While fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.
He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted:
Are there any gators around here?!
No, the man hollered back, they ain't been around for years!
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy:
How did you get rid of the gators?
We didn't do nothin', the beachcomber said. The sharks got 'em."
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge
Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer.
\- How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly? - he asks
\- 99.97% - the engineer replies confidently
The anti-vaxxer thinks for a moment before turning around:
\- Guess I'm swimming then...
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge.
Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer. "How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly?" he asks. "99.97%," the engineer replies confidently. The anti-vaxxer thinks for a moment before turning around. "Guess I'm swimming then."
A farmer asked his trusty sheepdog to go out and collect all the sheep and put them in the barn for the night.
Oh course the loyal pup went and did just as he was asked.
He came back and told the farmer that all 100 sheep were safe in the barn.
Confused, the farmer said "But I only have 97 sheep."
The pup says "I know, I rounded them up."
New data has claimed that only 52% of students leave school with an acceptable grade in Maths.
Safe to say I am part of the 34% that struggled with it.
Not even sushi is safe.
Wife and I were having sushi, she ordered a rainbow roll and asked if I wanted piece
I told her I would have the piece on the end... Just for the Halibut.
I was impressed at how well she controlled the impulse to stab me with the chop sticks.
I found out that the girl I'm dating is a gold digger
Idk how to tell her but I don't like gold diggers. It's not safe for her mentally as well as physically and the mine she works at doesn't give them health insurance or anything. What should I do?
Man and woman are out on a dinner date.
Waiter: "What will you be having tonight ma'am?"
Woman: "I'll have the salad, no nuts please."
Waiter: "Of course."
Man: "But it didn't say it had nuts."
Woman: "I'm allergic, so I tell them just to be safe."
Man: "That makes sense."
Waiter: "And for you, sir?"
Man: "I'll have the steak, no bees please."
In a safety meeting at work they asked me what steps I'd take in a fire
Apparently "Really big and fast ones" was the wrong answer.
The World Health Organization has said Monkeypox is primarily spreading through s**....
So Redditors should be safe.
If you were born in September
It's safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang !
Why is a seal with just one fin safe to swim in shark infested waters?
Like everyone else, sharks know that if the seal is broken the food isn't safe to consume!
I finally caught her.
I jumped into a cab and asked the driver to follow my wife's car. From a safe distance, I saw her turn into the motel parking lot. I told the cabbie, "I'll pay you an extra $100 if you go in there and bring her out."
Without hesitating, he jumped out of the car and trotted to the motel. After a few minutes, during which I could hear a lot of commotion, he came back to the car, dragging a woman by the arm. "Hey, what gives?", I protested. "This isn't my wife!" "I know, she's mine. I'll be right back with yours."
95% of all car accidents occur within one mile of home.
So I moved two miles from my old house. Now I'm safe!
Female Cowboys fans
Why is it considered safe to date a girl who's a Dallas Cowboys fan?
Because she will never expect a ring!