Russian Vodka Jokes
79 russian vodka jokes and hilarious russian vodka puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about russian vodka that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Russian Vodka Short Jokes
Short russian vodka jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The russian vodka humour may include short vodka jokes also.
- A Russian doctor is treating his patient. *"Take this for insomnia... take this for depression... and take this for anxiety."*
*"Thank you Doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides v**...?"* - A short joke. If a former 80's Russian comedian went out and bought some off-brand v**.... Would that be Yakov Smirnoff buying knock-off Smirnoff?
- A cat walks into a bar... Bartender asks what he'll have.
Cat orders a White Russian.
Bartender says he's out of v**....
Cat is fine with that, thats actually how he prefers it. - Give a Russian Tanker v**..., He'll Be Warm for a Night Set his ammunition on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
- A Russian alcoholic loses the key to car... His wife wakes him from his drunken slumber.
"Where are the keys to the car!?" she demands.
"v**...? Whiskey?" he replies.
(read with Russian accent) - Russian joke "Daddy I want an ice cream."
"I want an ice cream too, son. But we only have enough money for v**...." - Glass of water Optimists: the glass is half full!
pessimists: the glass is half empty!
Russians: glass no have v**... - Russian Investments Two Russians meet up:
- Have you heard, Bitcoin went up in value?
- Ya. But I only invest in one thing - v**...
- Why v**...?
- Where else do you get a 40% return?? - What is the difference between the Roman Catholic Church and the Russian Orthodox Church? The Roman Catholics drink Holy Wine while the Russian Orthodox drink Holy v**....
- Russian Nursery Rhyme Row row row your boat all the way to Vladivostok
Life is eternal struggle towards an inevitable death
Drink v**... till you sleep
Share These Russian Vodka Jokes With Friends
Russian Vodka One Liners
Which russian vodka one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with russian vodka? I can suggest the ones about vodka drinking and absolut vodka.
- Know why v**... is so clear? Its so Russians can tell it isn't tap water.
- Local retailers have stopped selling Russian Standard v**.... That's the spirit!
- What do you get when you mix v**... with laxatives? A Russian tanker in Ukraine.
- How much v**... does it take to kill a Russian? None.
- How do Russian sprinters train? They put a bottle of v**... 100 meters away from them.
- What did the bartender day to the man who was drinking his v**... to fast? Stop "Russian"
- How do you t**... a Russian? give them a v**... bottle full of water
- I drank a bottle of v**... tonight and I was feeling Russian Russian to bed
- How do you get 30 drunk Russians out of the pool? Put 30 crates of v**... near the pool
- What's the Russian word for water? v**...
- If you can down 20 v**... shots in 15 seconds... ...You must be Russian.
Comical Russian Vodka Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land
What funny jokes about russian vodka you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean russian potato jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make russian vodka pranks.
Two russian guys are walking down the street and they find a $100.
So one says, "Ok, lets buy bread for $1 and the rest we spend on v**...?."
The other says, "I don't get it, why do we need so much bread?."
A Russian captain is trying to explain to his comrades the effects of atomic bombs:
"Now, imagine 20 no, 40, no... a 100 cases of v**... and noone to drink them!"
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are riding together on a train.
The Russian takes a bottle of the best v**... out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says:
"In Russia, we have the best v**... in the world - nowhere in the world, you can find v**... as good as the one we produce in Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..."
Saying this, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it.
All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, unwraps one, lights it, and begins to smoke, saying:
"In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere else in the world produces such a fine cigar, and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away..."
Saying that he opens the window and throws the pack of Havanas through it.
Once again, everybody is quite impressed.
At this point, the American stands up silently, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it.
Vladimir Putin, Fidel Castro and the Oort Cloud are riding on a train..
Fidel Castro, Vladimir Putin, and the Oort Cloud are riding on a train. Fidel Castro pulls an expensive Cuban cigar out of his pocket, lights it, and then throws it out the window after only a few puffs. Vladimir Putin and the Oort Cloud are both surprised by this and ask "what are you doing, Fidel? That's an expensive cigar!" To which Castro responds, "in your country/post-heliopausal region perhaps, but in my country these are as cheap as dirt." Then Vladimir Putin pulls a bottle of expensive Russian v**... out of his pocket and, after a few sips, throws the bottle out the window. Fidel Castro and the Oort Cloud are both surprised and ask "what are you doing, Vladimir, that is expensive v**...!" To which Putin responds "Pah! In your country/post-heliopausal region perhaps, but in Russia this v**... is as plentiful as rainwater. The Oort Cloud considers this for a minute or two, and then throws a six-mile-wide comet out of the window which, on impact, incinerates everything within a thirty-mile radius, causes massive earthquakes and tsunamis for thousands of miles in each direction, and kicks up a cloud of dust and ash that eventually encircles the Earth wiping out nearly all forms of life in a matter of months.
...
I don't care if it's old. This is probably the best joke ever.
Russian pharmacy
Doctor: This medicine is from insomnia, this one is from nervous break-down, and also take this one from depression.
Patient: Thank you very much, doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides v**...?
Slightly more modern Russian joke
Putin is visiting a big factory for a photo op, and he decides to get the opinions of the common man. He walks up to one of the line workers and says, "My friend, I hear alcoholism is a big problem in Russia. Tell me, do you think you could still do your job if you drank a bottle of v**... in the morning?"
The worker thinks and says, "Well... I suppose so."
Putin frowns because that wasn't the answer he was expecting, but presses on: "Do you think you could still do your job if you'd had two bottles of v**... in the morning?" The worker nods and says he probably could. Putin, now becoming exasperated, asks: "What if you'd had *three* bottles?"
The worker replies, "I'm here, aren't I?"
Lots of Russian jokes recently, here is another one.
A boy sits on his couch and sees a newspaper there. Curious he picks it up and reads the front headline: "v**... Prices on the Rise." He shows this to his dad and says:
"Dad does this mean you are going to drink less?"
Dad: "No son, this means you are going to eat less."
This is a classic Deaf joke.
Three men are on a train: One Cuban, one Russian and one Deaf man. The Cuban is smoking a huge cigar, but half way through it throws it out the window. The Russian and the Deaf man exclaim about him wasting the beautiful cigar, but he just shrugs and says, "Eh, we have *plenty* of cigars back home."
The the Russian take out a handle of v**... and begins slugging it back, but with half of it finished, turns and tosses it out the window. 'Why woulf you waste such good v**...!" the Deaf man and the Cuban exclaim. "Psh, we have *plenty* of v**... back home."
Then the Deaf man says, "Okay, one minute," and walks off. The Russian and the Cuban look at each other in confusion and shrug, waiting for the Deaf man to return. He does, but he's dragging a man with him. Struggling, he finally tosses the man out the window. The other two yell, "Why would you do that?!! You just killed him!" The Deaf man shrugs and says, "Oh, we have *plenty* of hearing people back home.
A Russian man comes across an old v**... bottle
When he picks it up and opens it, a genie appears.
"Thank you so much for releasing me! Now let me do something for you. How would you like to become a Hero of the Soviet Union?"
The man consents.
All of the sudden, he finds himself on a battlefield facing eight German tanks with eight grenades.
Zolota Rybka: Golden Fish Ukrainian Joke
One day a Ukrainian and a Russian are out fishing, when the Russian got a tug on his line. He struggled to bring it ashore and saw it was the Golden Fish. The fish told him "I will give each of you two wishes if you throw me back." The Two fellows agreed. The Russian went first, "I wish that only **real** Russians were in Russia. Men with Slovic blood and v**... flowing through their veins. My second wish is that you build a huge cement wall all the way around our beautiful land so no foreigners can set foot on our holy soil." The Golden fish made it so. He then turned to the Ukrainian. The Ukrainian looked at him innocently but confidently said, "Mr. Fish we Ukrainians are simple folk. For this reason I only need one wish, but tell me, in Russia there are only Russians, right?" The Golden fish nodded. "And there is a huge wall surrounding all their land?" Again, nodding in affirmation. "Alright, just fill it full of water then."
During the Cold War, the CIA wanted to create the perfect Russian spy.
So they train a cohort for years and then they choose the best candidate. They deploy him from a stealth submarine on a remote Russian coast and the spy starts making his way towards Moscow through the frozen tundra. After a few days he comes across a small trapping village and as he was starting to get hungry and wanting to give his skills a test run he decides to go in.
The people are extremely welcoming of the stranger. They share all they have with him and even throw a celebration that evening. The spy blends in perfectly, he speaks Russian with no accent, he knows all the songs, dances kazachok with the best of them and drinks all the Russians under the table with v**....
At the end of the night, one of the villagers slaps him on the back and says with a wink: You know, Igor, we really like you! But we know that you're an American spy!
Igor becomes sad: But… I studied with the best, for years! What did I do wrong, how could you tell after just one day?!
But Igor, says the Russian with a smile, you're black!
A bottle of v**... and a bottle of Coca-cola (Russian Joke)
A man comes to the shop:
- Give me a bottle of v**... and a bottle of Coca-cola.
Half an hour later he comes again:
- Give me a bottle of v**... and a bottle of Coca-cola.
An hour later he comes again:
- Give me a bottle of v**... and a bottle of... of Sprite. It seems Coca-cola makes me sick!
The official bad Yakov Smirnoff punchline thread about the Sochi Olympics
You have been warned...
In Russia, yellow water is not dirty, it's colored that way by Russian government so we don't mistakenly drink water instead of v**...!
An Irishman, Russian and the Blonde...
An Irishman, Russian and a Blonde come across a magical slide. They each decide to take a turn. The Irishman goes first, sliding down and shouting "GOLD!", and finding himself in a pile of gold as he reaches the bottom. The Russian amazed slides down screaming "v**...!", and lands into bottles of v**... at the bottom. The Blonde takes her turn, and without hesitation shouts "WEEEE!" as she slides down.
4 men on a sinking boat
On a trip to the sea, an American, a Russian, a Mexican and an Irishman were sailing on the boat. In the middle of the rough ocean, the boat, unable to carry so much weight, started to sink.
"We have to do something!" yelled the Russian man. "Let us each throw some of our things off the boat to reduce our total weight." He went to his backpack of v**..., grabbed it, and tossed it off the boat. "We got so much v**... back in Mother Russia, a little v**... gone won't change anything!"
The Irishman followed suit. He grabbed his barrel of booze and rolled it off the boat. "We got so much liquor back in Ireland, a little liquor gone won't change anything!"
The American pushed the Mexican off the boat.
A russian, a german and an estonian
A russian, a german and an estonian are sitting on a plane. Suddenly the pilot announces that the plane is going to fall down unless everybody throws something off the plane. The russian throws his v**... saying "we have enough of that in russia", the german throws his beer saying "we have enough of that in germany". The estonian throws the russian saying "we have enough of that in estonia.
Two elderly Russian veterans go to travel in the jungles of Congo
Two elderly Russian veterans go to travel in the jungles of Congo. They roam the jungle, singing v**... songs and hunting their own food for weeks, when suddenly a huge lion jumps on one of them out of nowhere, crushing the elderly Russian to the ground, vigorously biting off most of his vital organs one after the other. The other elderly veteran looks at him worriedly. "Vladimir, comrade, is this painful?"
Vladimir looks up from the lion's t**... and replies:
"Only when I laugh"
Roulette
A meeting wraps up amongst delegates in Russia. The Russian minister says to his fellow delegates, "After meetings like this, its Russian policy to drink v**... and play a round of Russian Roulette."
The Nigerian delegate asks what Russian Roulette is.
"Well I take this revolver, place a round in it, spin the chamber and fire at my temple. Then I pass it around. Each of you spins the chamber and repeats. If you die, it means you didn't have honest intentions in the meeting."
They each take their turn and live, at which point the meetings adjourn. A few months later the same group meets in Nigeria.
After their meetings the Nigerian Ambassador says "After a successful meeting in this country we like to drink Ogogoro and play a round of Nigerian Roulette."
"How do you play?" The Russian asks.
"Well I bring in 4 beautiful women. You must choose to sleep with one of them unprotected."
"That's not so bad," the Russian says "Is there a catch?"
"One of the 4 of them is h**... positive"
A Russian, an American, and a Canadian are sitting around a bonfire...
...when suddenly, the Russian throws his bottle of v**... into the fire. The American jumps up and asks, "What did you do that for?"
The Russian replies, "In Russia, we have so much v**...! We do this all the time!"
The American, wanting to one-up the Russian, grabs a handful of cash and throws it into the fire, and says, "In America, we have so much money! We do this all the time!"
The Canadian grabs a Native.
A Mexican, Russian, and a Texan are sitting in a bar.
The russian has a bottle of v**..., The mexican has a bottle of tequila, And the texan has a bottle of whiskey. The russian gets up, c**... the whole bottle, throws it up and shoots it and says "in my country we have lots of v**...". After that the mexican gets up, c**... his bottle of tequila, throws it in the air and shoots. Then he says "in my country we have lots of tequila". So then the texan gets up, c**... his bottle of whiskey, throws it up in the air and shoots the mexican. Then he says "Back in texas we have alot of mexicans"
In regards to the recent ruble c**... in Russia
A Russian boy asks his father
"Daddy, can I have 5 ruble for buy milk bread and v**...?"
His father replies
"20 ruble? What you need 50 ruble for?"
Russians Hate Coca Cola
A Russian walks into a store and demands,
-- "Give me a bottle of v**... and a bottle of Coca Cola."
After half an hour, the Russian returns and demands again,
-- "Give me a bottle of v**... and a bottle of Coca Cola."
After one hour, he comes back for a third time and says to the shopkeeper,
-- "Give me a bottle of v**... and a bottle of ... Sprite. It seems Coca Cola makes me sick!"
Two Russian sailors decide to quit drinking,
but they still have a bottle of v**... left, and they refuse to let it go to waste, so one says:" Anatoli, i shall hold the bottle in one hand behind my back, if you can guess which one, we will drink it, if not, i will throw it overboard." They agree on this. The first sailor hides the bottle, the second guesses:"Left!"
"Keep guessing, Anatoli, keep guessing."
A Mexican, a Russian, and a Texan sitting at a bar
The Mexican has a bottle of tequila and says "in Mexico there is plenty of tequila" takes a big swig out of the bottle and throws it in the air and shoots the bottle. The Russian sitting next to him hears him and says " in mother russia we have plenty of v**..." takes a swig out of his bottle of v**... and throws it in the air and shoots it. The Texan sees this and is drinking an Alamo beer. So he says" in Texas we have plenty of beer." Takes a drink and shoots the Mexican and says "but in Texas we have plenty of Mexicans i tell you h'wut"
The Caucasian joke
If you replace the v**... in a white russian with canadian whiskey you could call it a Justin Bieber, because it's a big white disappointment.
A German, a Russian, and a Syrian are in a life raft ...
The raft is slowly sinking and the 3 castaways are afraid it will sink before they are rescued, so they start looking around for things they can dispose of to lighten the load.
The Russian takes a case of fine v**..., throws it overboard and says, "We have plenty of that in my country."
Seeing the Russian's generous gesture, the Syrian takes a bag of fine hibiscus tea, throws it overboard and says, "We have plenty in my country."
Finally, the German, seeing that it is his turn, throws the Syrian overboard and says, "We have plenty of those in my country."
A Frenchman, a German, a Russian, and a Jew walk into a bar.
The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. Could I have a glass of wine?"
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. Could I have a pint of beer?"
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. Could I have a shot of v**...?"
The Jew wonders, "I'm tired and thirsty. Could I have diabetes?"
An American, a Chinese, a Russian, a German and a Syrian passenger are on a train...
The American starts to toss legal documents out the train's window.
The German asks, "Vy are you doing zat?"
The American replies, "We have too much of these."
---
Then the Chinese begins throwing rice out the window.
The German asks, "Vy are you doing zat now?"
The Chinese replies, "We got lay too much of that lice."
---
The Russian then flicks dashcams and v**... out his window.
The German asks, "Vat's the matter vith those?"
The Russian replies, "They're too common where I'm from, comrade."
---
The German looks at the Syrian guy.
#The Syrian guy, nervous, exclaims, "Don't you fooking dare!"
Official Inauguration Drink - The Orange Russian
Make a white Russian, but use gold leaf in the ice cubes and Trump v**....
Claim it's made wrong,
Tell the Bartender " You're Fired"
Refuse to pay.
A Russian family gets pulled over...
A man is driving with his wife and small child. A militiaman pulls them over and makes the man take a breathalyzer test. See, the militiaman says, you're drunk. The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the cop to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, the man invites the cop to test his child. When the child registers drunk as well, the cop shrugs and says Yes, perhaps it is broken, and sends them on their way. Out of earshot the man tells his wife, See, I told you is wouldn't hurt to give the kid five grams of v**....
An American, a Russian and an Estonian are on a plane
The American opens the door and drops some hamburgers and then says: "I have too many of these". Then the Russian goes to the Door and throws down some bottles of v**... and says: "I have too many of them". Then the Estonia comes and throws down the Russian and says: "I have too many of them".
A Russian, a Cuban, an Englishman and a Pakistani are on a train.
The Russian takes out a bottle of his best v**..., drinks a bit and throws the rest off the train and says, "There's plenty more of that where I come from."
Everyone is impressed. The Cuban takes out one of the finest Havana cigars, takes one puff and throws it off the train and says, "There's plenty more of those where I come from."
Again everyone is rather impressed. So the Englishman stands up and throws the Pakistani off the train.
Genie grants a wish...
One day a Russian guy, Oleg, finds a lamp. As soon as he rubs it a genie pops up and says:
- You saved me, so wish whatever you want, and it will be granted.
- Whenever I pee, turn it to v**....
And, it happens.
He goes home and asks his wife to bring two glasses, tells what had happened and they both enjoy the v**.... They repeat the ceremony for following couple of days.
One night, as he comes home, asks for a glass.
His wife curiously asks :
- Are you going to drink without me?
Oleg answers:
- Of course not, you'll drink from the bottle.
A Russian runs into a bar
Quick! Quick he yells at the bartender. A v**... before it starts!
The bartender quickly pours him a shot of v**... which the Russian drinks in one gulp.
Another! Fast before it starts...
The bartender gives him another one which the Russian drinks immediately.
Hurry hurry another one before it starts...
The bartender asks "how are you going to pay for these?"
The Russian throws up his hands and says "ahhhh now it starts!"
Heard this Russian joke somewhere, thought I'd share.
A group of Russians decided to hold a little contest among themselves. It had three stages:
**1.** Who can drink the most v**...?
**2.** Who can say the dirtiest word?
**3.** Who can punch the hardest?
Stage 1 was won by Vasya Ivanovich, who drank *all* the v**....
Stage 2 was won by Pyotr Vasilyevich, who arrived late only to find out there's no more v**....
Stage 3 was won, once again, by Pyotr Vasilyevich, when he was told that it was Vasya Ivanovich who drank all the v**....
An American and a Russian are arguing about who had more freedom back in the old days of communism.
The American says that if he wanted he could pee in front of the Statue of Liberty with no repercussions.
The Russian says that he could go to Red Square, drop his pants and take a dump right in front everybody with no problem.
After more than a few vodkas, the American admits that he exaggerated. He would have to sneak behind the Statue of Liberty at 3am to do his business.
The Russian admits that if he were to take a dump in Red Square, he'd have to do it with his pants up.
Marsians took an American, a German and a Russian prisoners. They locked each of them in a separate room and gave each one a 10 litre bottle of v**..., stating that that whoever manages to drink all of his will be set free, otherwise they will be executed.
The next morning the Marsians discover the American, dead on the floor, having drunk only 1 litre.
In the next room, the see the German, passed out, having drunk only three litres. They take him to the pit of death where he is executed.
The Russian however, was b**... on the door all night asking for more v**.... He is found hung from a rope, clearly dead. Turns out he dropped his bottle, it smashed and all the v**... spilt out. He couldn't bare the misfortune.
A horse in Russia walks into a bar, with a thick Russian accent the horse asks the bartender to pour him a glass of v**....
Before I go on with the rest of the joke, you should know this joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of "I think therefore, I am." I'm explaining that part now, because in soviet Russia you put Descartes before the horse.
The bartender says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?", to which the horse says "I don't think I am.", and vanishes from existence.
When in Russia (very bad quality joke)
A man visits Russia for a month. He enjoyed everything there for the first few weeks, the v**..., the cathedrals, even the people there. It was only towards the final week that he realised things started to get a bit strange. Everyone he sees have much stronger arm muscles by the end of the month than the start of it.
He asks a man wether it's normal to see this. "Not really, but it's reaspnable." the man replied, "Some people from Ghana came here recently to do a special f**... celebration, and in return -as per Russian tradition-, since they carried the people, all people in Russia carried them back!"
A Russian Cossack, an American Cowboy, and a Mexican Bandito are sitting on a ridge getting drunk at their camp.
After some merriment, the Cossack rises to his feet, throws his bottle of v**... into the air, pulls out his p**... and shoots it and says "Ah, we have too much of that in my country anyway." The Bandito looks at the bottle of tequila in his hand, then throws it, pulls his p**..., shoots it out of the air, and says "Ay, we have too much of that in *my* country." The Cowboy then stands up, shoves the Bandito off the edge of the ridge, and shoots him in the back as he falls. He then turns to the startled Cossack and says...
"Sonuvabitch killed my father."
Silly Russian joke
Flight attendant is making an announcement:
*-Is there an anesthesiologist on board?*
Some bloke says:
*-I am anesthesiologist!*
The flight attended tells him to come to seat 12A. He comes to the seat 12A and there is another bloke pouring v**... into plastic cups. He says:
*-Hey, mate. I am a surgeon. Not used to drinking without my anesthesiologist.*
Russian doctor
Russian doctor : « This medicine is from insomnia, this one is from nervous break-down, and also take this one from depression». Patient : « Thank you very much, doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides v**...?»
An American spy comes into a Soviet bar
And orders a drink.
"No drink for US spies" said the barkeep.
The spy goes pale. He pulls out a bottle of v**... and drains it in one big gulp.
"You drink like Russian, but you are American spy"
The spy pulls out his accordeon and plays a wonderful Russian folk song, everyone in the bar tearing up, including the barkeep.
"You sing like Russian", he said under tears, "but you are American spy"
He starts dancing the Kozachok, worthy of the Bolshoy dancers.
"You dance like Russian, but you are American spy"
"Ok, you got me. But how do you know?"
"There are no black Russians"
A classic Russian joke...
An American, a Frenchman and a Russian are stranded on an uninhabited island. They build a shelter, catch fish for food and suddenly catch a magical Golden Fish, who promises to fulfill two wishes for each in trade for her own freedom:
The American says: "A million dollars and to go back home!" He vanishes.
The Frenchman says: "Three beautiful women and to go back home!" He vanishes as well.
The Russian look around at the deserted island, and says: "Tsk, and we were getting along so well. Three crates of v**... and the two fellas back!"
In Soviet Union a Screwdriver is not Orange Juice with v**......
It's v**... with Orange Juice
(Jokester's Note: Russian v**... is the best in the world regarding to taste, which inspired me to make this joke, love y'all(as far as a westerner goes))
A Russian comes into a bar...
...and orders a bottle of brandy to begin with.
The barman brings him a bottle of brandy, the Russian takes it but then gives it back to the barman asking to bring him a bottle of v**... instead.
Barman takes away the bottle of brandy and brings back the Russian a bottle of v**....
The Russian takes the bottle of v**..., opens it, swallows down all the v**..., then goes away.
B: Wait, you didn't pay for v**...!
R: What?! I gave you the bottle of good brandy instead of v**...!
B: But you didn't pay for brandy as well!
R: What?! I have not taken even a sip of brandy!
Russian health tips
-"For better digestion ,I drink beer, for low blood pressure I drink red wine, for high blood pressure Cognac and for colds v**.... "
-"And what about water?"
-"I don't think I ever had such an illness...."
