Russian Tank Jokes
39 russian tank jokes and hilarious russian tank puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about russian tank that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Russian Tank Short Jokes
Short russian tank jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The russian tank humour may include short russian military jokes also.
- Here's an old German joke: What is the difference between a Russian tank and a vacuum cleaner? There's only one dirtbag in the vacuum cleaner.
- How many Russians does it take to drive a tank? Two.
One to control the steering wheel, and one to go flag down the Ukrainian farmer to give them a lift. - My son asked me, "Dad, what does the Z stand for on Russian tanks?" "Well son", I said, "You've heard of Plan A and when that fails, you go to a Plan B?"
"They're on Plan Z already." - Why did the Russian Army install Rear-view mirrors in their Tanks? To see the battlefield.
- How long does it take a Russian tank to drive from Moscow to Kyiv? Depends how many people are pushing.
- How do you remove all the Russian tanks stuck in the fields outside Kyiv? Ukraine them out.
- Two Russian kgb operatives are also in a tank One turns to the other and says "gurgle gurgle" and they both drown...
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Russian Tank One Liners
Which russian tank one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with russian tank? I can suggest the ones about russian potato and tanks.
- How do you stop a Russian tank? Shoot the soldiers pushing it.
- How do you stop a Russian tank? You shoot the two soldiers pushing it.
- What should ukrainian soldiers paint on captured Russian tanks? Ctrl-
- How do you stop a russian tank from advancing? Shoot the soldier pushing it.
- You know what never gets old? Russian tank drivers
- Why do Russians paint Z's on their tanks? So they can say Ukrainians are not-Z's.
- how do you stop a Russian tank? kill the two guys pushing it
- How do you get all those Russian tanks out from the mud? Ukraine them out.
- How do you get a Russian soldier to retreat faster? Give him a full tank of gas
Russian Tank Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about russian tank you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean russian vodka jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make russian tank pranks.
Two old jews are talking in Odessa.
-What's the news?
-Have you not heard? There is a war!
-who is fighting?
-Russia says it is at war with NATO.
-How's is it going?
-70,000 Russians are dead, they have lost thousands of tanks, used up most of their missiles, and their economy is collapsing.
-and NATO?
-NATO hasn't shown up yet.
Cr
A Russian comes home after fishing trip
A Russian comes home after fishing trip and hears the news that Russia is at war. He asks another Russian what is going on, and he tells him:
"We are at war with NATO!"
"Oh wow, how many troops have been lost?"
"Well, we have lost 45,000 troops, almost 2000 tanks, a thousand artillery pieces, several hundred helicopters and aircraft, several generals have been captured, our economy is in shambles, and the Moskva was sunk.
"And NATO?"
"NATO hasn't showed up yet."
Russian Tanks
"What's the difference between a Russian tank and a Hoover vacuum cleaner? "
"The Russian tank has 4 dirt-bags in it."
Apparently this joke comes from an OLD soviet-era General who apparently liked to tell it almost any time he gave a speeches to his NATO counterparts.
Vacations
Russian military tank crosses the border into Finland and a Russian soldier steps out.
"Good morning," says the Border police, "Name?"
"Ivan Ivanovich."
"Occupation?"
"No, just a vacation."
Russian, German and an Estonian
A Russian, German and an Estonian are having a flight together when the pilot tells them that each of them has to threw something out to reduce the weight of the plane. The German throw's out a car and say's that they have too many of them. The Russian then proceeds to throw out a Tank saying that they have too many of them. Then the Estonian proceeds to throw out the Russian saying that they have too many of them.
So my blind date said "Tell me something quirky about yourself" and I said "Whenever I'm talking to someone and I think they're a waste of time, I start blethering on about Russian tanks"
She said "Wow, that's actually kind of weird" and I said "Yeah, but actually, the T-34 and the KVs really gave the Germans a shock in 1941".
A Frenchman, a German, and a Russian are arguing about cars.
The Frenchman says: We use the Renault for travel inside our country, and the Peugeot when we travel outside the border.
The German says: Ach, ja! We do that too! We use the Volkswagen for travel inside our country, and the Mercedes when we go to foreign countries.
The Russian then says: Well, we do something simmilar, we use Ladas for travelling inside the motherland, and tanks everywhere else.
Best vehicle from their country.
The devil told a Pole, a German and a Russian to bring the best vehicle from their country. The first one is a Pole with a small car (Maluch). The devil told him to break it. The Pole kicked once and the car fell apart. The second one is a German in a Mercedes. Kicks the car and nothing. He grabbed a stick and banged on the Mercedes. After an hour, the car broke down. The German stands next to the Pole, they look into the distance and laugh.
The Devil asks them:
- what are you laughing at?
- because the Russian is driving a tank.
An American asked a Russian guy about their cars:
\- For what did you make the ZAZ, a copy of the Fiat 500?
\- For rural roads ...
\- What did you make the Moskvich for, a copy of Ford?
"For country roads!"
\- Then what is Lada for, a copy of another Fiat?
\- For city roads!
\- The for what did you invent the Volga for?
\- For the good intercity roads!
\- And what do you go abroad with?
\- We do not go abroad!
"And yet, if necessary?"
\- If necessary - with tanks!
32 Tanks Enter Ukraine From Russia
Ukrainian grandma says, "What is the difference between a Russian tank and a vacuum cleaner? "
Ukrainian grandpa is getting another drink, but yells, "I don't know" from the cellar.
"There's only one dirtbag in a vacuum," she replies, but no one is in the room to hear her.
A Russian man comes across an old v**... bottle
When he picks it up and opens it, a genie appears.
"Thank you so much for releasing me! Now let me do something for you. How would you like to become a Hero of the Soviet Union?"
The man consents.
All of the sudden, he finds himself on a battlefield facing eight German tanks with eight grenades.
My history teacher told me a joke about WW2 today...
If you have unknown troops in front of you and you want to find out who they are, fire a few rounds in their direction.
If you are met with precision machine gun fire, they're German.
If you are met by a volley of precision rifle fire, they are British.
If they surrender, they're Italian.
If there is a mass wave of infantry and tanks, they're Russian.
If there is a bayonet and sword charge, they're Japanese.
If everything is quiet for a minute or two, and suddenly you are in the middle of a massive artillery barrage and air strikes, they are American.
Starcraft / WII parallels
I thought this joke up after our history exam; I thought I'd share it:
The three Starcraft factions have parallels to the three major combatants in WII.
The Protoss are like Germany, since both had advanced technology for the time (Tiger tanks, Void Rays) but were somewhat outnumbered.
The Terrans are like the USA, since they have good manufacturing flexibility, and were able to field large numbers of mechanical units as well as marines.
And the Russians are like the Zerg, because, well, they're rushin'.
A Finnish Soldier...
In the winter war in 1945 is getting in line for a rifle. The man behind the counter says "sorry, the guy in front of you got the last one. Here, take this hockey stick, and if you see a Russian, point it at him and yell BANG!" The Finn finds this ridiculous but takes it, thinking he'll just fix a bayonet on the thing and fight like that.
As he gets to the bayonet counter, the guy in front of him gets the last one. Instead, he is given a piece of wood about six inches long with the instructions to yell STAB! every time someone is within arms length.
Feeling horribly unprepared, he heads out to battle with his platoon. Shortly, they become separated by snow and wind, and he is left alone with no weapon. A Russian comes over a snowdrift. Desperately, the man throws up his hockey stick and yells BANG! The Russian drops.
So he fights all through the day, yelling BANG and STAB at his will and dropping the enemy like flies. Late in the day, a huge Russian soldier comes plodding toward the man slowly. Feeling confident, the man fires his hockey stick to no effect. He tries a couple more times. Nothing.
Desperately, he throws his small piece of wood at the man, but it just bounces off. Suddenly, the earth around him explodes and he goes flying. Just as he is about to die, the Russian plods on by him saying under his breath "tank, tank, tank, BOOM!"