Russian People Jokes
102 russian people jokes and hilarious russian people puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about russian people that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Russian People Short Jokes
Short russian people jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The russian people humour may include short russian women jokes also.
- I'm being attacked by Russian hacker! Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day.
- Five out of six people are okay with Russian Roulette... ... The sixth one loves it to death.
- Everybody who has played Russian Roulette will tell you it's safe. Well, at least 5/6 people will.
- 5 out of 5 people enjoy Russian Roulette. There was supposed to be a sixth, but he never got back to me about his experience.
- I heard WW 3 might be starting... I don't know... I think people might be Russian to conclusions.
- 5 out of 6 people would recommend it... 5 out of 6 people who played Russian roulette, would recommend it to others.
- Russian Roulette is completely safe to play! I interviewed people who played and %100 said that they all survived!
- Every 5 out of 6 people say Russian Roulette is fun... I wonder why the sixth guy hates it
- How long does it take a Russian tank to drive from Moscow to Kyiv? Depends how many people are pushing.
- I surveyed many people who had played Russian roulette Seems like the probability of dying is actually 0%
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Russian People One Liners
Which russian people one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with russian people? I can suggest the ones about russian military and mother russia.
- 1 in 6 people... find Russian roulette mind blowing.
- Five out of six people agree Russian roulette is completely safe.
- Fun Fact: ...5/6 people find Russian Roulette harmless.
- 5/6 people find Russian roulette harmless ... The other 1/6 think it's to die for.
- you want to know the bad thing? only 5 out of 6 people like Russian roulette
- Russian census ended with success there were still people to count!
- Indian people are a lot like Russian people. They're always in a curry.
- What does a Russian fashion designer call people from the United States? A mannequin.
- Did you know that... Only 5 people out of 6 like Russian roulette.
- 2 people confessed to killing Russian opposition leader Boris Nemtsov
- Why are people leaving the Ukraine? I don't know but they sure are Russian.
- Want to know what sport I am one of the best people alive at? Russian roulette
- Why is Moscow so busy? Because people are always Russian around.
- 5/6 people agree... ...that Russian Roulette is a great way to gamble.
- 1 out of 6 people who play russian roulette will tell you it's safe
Comical & Quirky Russian People Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about russian people you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean russian girlfriend jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make russian people pranks.
I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.
It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.
As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.
As we walked away I asked, "Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?"
My wife answered,
"In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
Old Russian Joke as told by one of my college professors who was Russian.
Had a professor in college who was one of Gorbachev's and later one of 21 economic advisers under Yeltsin. He used to tell us these sort or stale Russian jokes that I always got a kick out of. Here is one of them:
Jimmy Carter and Brezhnev were having a deep philosophical discussion comparing the freedoms of the west to the iron clad fist rule of Russian Communism.
Jimmy Carter said "you know, in our country we have protesters outside the White House daily carrying signs and chanting 'Down with Jimmy Carter' - 'Down with this administration' and as a country, they are free to do that and voice their arguments to the government without retribution or censorship"
Brezhnev countered "This is the same in Russia. Our people are free to come to Red Square and carry 'Down with Jimmy Carter' signs too.
RIP Neil Armstrong
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, [they found] there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "o**... s**...? o**... s**... you want? You'll get o**... s**... when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
The Russian President Vladimir Putin called Barack Obama with an emergency request
Mr President, we need help. Our largest c**... factory has exploded, the Russian President explained. My people now have no method of birth control! This is a true disaster!
Vladimir, said Obama, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.
We do need your help, said Putin.
Could you possibly send one million condoms to tide us over? No problem, I'm on it, said Obama.
Oh, and one more small favour, please? said Putin. Yes? said Obama.
Can you supply the condoms red in colour and at least ten inches long and four inches in diameter?
No problem, replied Obama, and with that, he hung up and called the CEO of Durex. I need a favour, you've got to make one million condoms right away and send them to Russia.
Consider it done, said the CEO of Durex.
Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, ten inches long and four inches wide.
Easily done. Anything else?
Yes, says Obama. Print 'MADE IN USA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one.
My Chinese friend's jokes about Socialism and Capitalism
* A Russian, an American, and a Chinese person are walking down a path. Suddenly, they come to a fork in the road. One path has the sign "Capitalism," and it's brightly lit and beautiful. The other is labeled "Socialism," and it's dark and frightening. The American chooses first, marching confidently down the brightly lit path. The Russian is next. Determined, he starts to go down the dark path, but then turns back halfway and runs toward the bright path. The Chinese person is last. After thinking a moment, he chooses the bright path - but first he changes the signs.
* Stalin, on his deathbed, is talking with his successor-to-be, Khrushchev. Stalin, with his dying breath, says "But what if the people won't go with you, comrade?" Khrushchev replies, "Don't worry! If they don't go with *me*, I'll make sure that they're going with *you*."
* An American and a Russian are waiting for their friend, a Chinese guy. The Chinese guy finally arrives twenty minutes late. "Sorry," he says, "I was standing in line to buy some sausage." The American says, "What's a line?" and the Russian says, "What's a sausage?"
Why Are Firetrucks Red?
Firetrucks have 4 wheels and carry 8 men.
4 + 8 = 12
There are 12 inches in a ruler.
Queen Elizabeth was a ruler.
There was once a ship named Elizabeth that sailed the seas.
Fish live in the seas.
Fish have fins.
People from Finland are called Fins.
Finland and Russia had a war a long time ago.
Russia has red on its flag.
And that's why they're red.
Cause they're always *russian* around.
Russian joke
Boss gathers his employees for all-hands meeting. He says, "Alright people, we aren't getting anything done, productivity is nil, let's try new routine. On mondays, we're gonna to rest up after weekend. On tuesdays, we're gonna gear up for work. On wednesdays, we're gonna work. On thursdays, we're gonna rest up from working. And fridays we're gonna gear up for weekend. Any questions?"
After moment, guy in back raises hand. "So how long is this b**... with wednesdays gonna go on for?"
Communist Russia wins the space race
Teacher: Ivan, tell us, who was the first country to land people on the Moon?
Ivan: It was our mother Russia, Comrade!
Teacher: Very good, Ivan! And what did the first Russian cosmonauts find on the Moon?
Ivan: The American flag, Comrade!
Russian referendum.
Russia initiates a referendum in Crimea about returning Crimea back to Russia. Ukraine initiates a referendum about returning Kaliningrad to Germany, Sakhalin and the Kuril Islands to Japan, Kazan - to Tatar, Karelia - to Finland, Siberia to Yakuts, and everything situated east from Ural mountains - to ingenious people.
A New York Times reporter is interviewing some people
The first question asked is "What is your honest opinion about the shortage of meat in the world?"
The interview was a huge failure...
The African asks "What does meat mean?".
The American asks "What does shortage mean?".
The Chinese person asks "What does opinion mean?".
The Russian asks "What does honest mean?"
The North Korean just waits. The reporter asks again, and is told "The Interview is no good!"
An older Russian joke, feel free to swap the leaders' names
Leonid Brezhnev is visiting Jimmy Carter in Washington DC.
Upon arriving in the oval office he is surprised by the luxury and asks:
"The Soviet people would love to know how can your government afford such niceties in the middle on an oil crisis."
Carter responds with "Walk to the window with me. Do you see that bridge in the distance?"
"Sure"
"When we set out to build it, we had a budget of 100 million dollars. Through clever management, we managed to build it for slightly less, and we are able to reward ourselves with some comfort"
"I see..."
A few month later, Carter is visiting Brezhnev in Moscow. He's completely blown away by the red wood furniture, Persian rugs, caviar on the table and various other luxuries. In amazement, he asks:
"The American people would love to know how can you government afford all this?"
So Brezhnev leads Carter to the window and says: "Do you see that bridge?"
"No, i don't"
"Well, there you go!"
quick historical Russian joke from early 90's
Quick context - Soviet Union just collapsed and Moscow streets are full of desperate people trying to some money to survive. A dialogue between street meat vendor (V), and a potential customer (C):
***
C: Was this meat barking or meowing?
V: It was asking s**... questions.
Vladimir Putin making a school visit...
Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Alina puts her hand up and says "I have two questions"
"Why did the Russians take Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?"
Putin says "Good questions" But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Tatiana, puts her hand up and says "I have Four questions"
"My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And Where is Alina?"
What do Russian people call m**... cows?
Beef strokinoff
A Russian man makes a remarkable discovery
"What poor people there are in America," a man tells his comrade, "Their cars don't have hoods, their phones don't have b**..., and their wine is old!"
Why do people in Moscow get so many speeding tickets?
Because they are always Russian.
People say money can't buy happiness...
They must have never met a Russian Olympic medalist then.
A russian joke: Some people in Mosow got stuck on a ride at an amusement park!
That entire country is got stuck on a ride! On something between a haunted mansion and a house of funny mirrors!
Lenin, h**..., and Stalin were in a plane c**.... Who was saved?
The Russian people
I interviewed six people who had just played Russian Roulette...
5/6 of them said it was safe.
Bad Russian Joke
Why are people afraid of getting on Russian planes?
Because they're always Stalin
New Russian Government
For years the Russian people have been praying for a new government. Their prayers were answered, unfortunately for them tho, the new government is in the US.
I've never understood why there's Burger King but no Borscht Czar
After all, people who eat fast food are in a hurry... they're always Russian around everywhere.
A lot of people keep saying to me Trump cheated the election.
Well, honestly we shouldn't be Russian to collusion's.
TIL a mind-blowing fact.
Some people s**... at Russian Roulette.
What's a nice, refreshing summer drink often sold by Russian children?
Leninade: The People's Drink
I don't understand why people keep going after Trump for Russian ties
All of his ties are made in China, just look at the label!
(In Russian accent)
Three men walk up to me and each ask my name, so I kill them together.
A 4th man walks up and asks, "Did you kill all these people? What did they do? What is problem?" So I kill him.
A 5th man walks up and asks"Did you kill all these people?" I say yes. He says, "Why you do this? Did you not like them?" So I kill him.
A 6th man walks up and "Did you kill all these people because you did not like them?" I said, "No, that is not problem." So he asks, "So why did you kill them?" "I do not like being asked three questions." "Why not?" He says.
So I kill him.
Why are firetrucks red?
Because they have eight wheels and four people on them, and four plus eight makes twelve, and there are twelve inches in a foot, and one foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and the ship sailed the seas, and there were fish in the seas, and fish have fins, and the Finns fought the Russians, and the Russians are red, and fire trucks are always Russian" around.
Russian roulette is quite the popular game.
5 out of 6 people really enjoy it!
America has crazed, gun addicted, alcoholic, violent people. What does Russia have?
Russians.
A lot of East Slavic peoples lives must be pretty fast paced....
...I mean, most of them are always Russian
I was sitting in my house in England, looking at the news
I was sitting in my house in England, Looking at the news.
Hearing about what was being done to people on british soil by Russians infuriated me. I took it upon myself to write a long scathing article about Putin, and how we should stand up to him and not takes these shenanigans any more from him.
I was about to post it online and share it with my Russian friends, but then my nerves got the better of me.
Everyone knows the Russians were the first to put a dog into space.
Now people know they are also the first to put a monkey in the White House.
Can someone help me please?
I keep getting people messaging me in Russian and I think my account may have been hacked.
Why are people from the former USSR always in a hurry?
Because they are always Russian somewhere.
An American dog, Polish dog and a Russian dog were discussing things so the American dog tells them that if you bark long enough, people will give you meat. The Polish dog asks "what's meat?"
The Russian dog asked "what's bark...??!!"
A man is taking a survey to find out what people think about the meat shortage.
First he approaches a Russian, and asks, "Excuse me, sir, what do you think about the meat shortage?" The Russian says, "What's meat?" Then he asks an American, who says, "What's a shortage?" Last, he asks an Israeli, who says, "What's 'excuse me'?"
There's two types of people, those who do 'See' Russian Interference and those who do "Not See"
I guess Trump is a Not See
Why they hire idiots in Russian military intelligence?
Well, they used to hire smart people, but those would go to Great Britain, capitulate and stay there to live.
History class in Russia
During a history lesson, the teacher asks her students, OK class, who knows what event, consequential for the history and culture of the Russian people, took place in 1799?
From the back of the class, a student raises his hand and answers, Our greatest poet Alexander Sergeevich Pushkin was born.
The teacher replies, Very good Misha! Now can anyone tell me what other momentous event took place in 1812?
Misha again raises his hand and says, That's easy! Our greatest poet Alexander Sergeevich Pushkin turned 13.
People from the former Soviet Union seem like they're either always in a hurry, or standing around loitering.
They're either Russian or Stalin'
When in St. Petersburg, I couldn't tell if people were in a hurry or just waiting around.
Couldn't tell if they were Russian' or Stalin'
The Russian winter...
...helped the Russian people defeat h**... during WW2 and Napoleon before him. This year it invaded the USA on its own.
During the 80's, many college students from Eastern Bloc countries - Poland, Hungary, and Romania met each other at a summer camp
Sitting around the campfire after supper, these young people tried their best to communicate with each other (Polish, Hungarian, and Romanian are totally not related), ultimately having to resort to some kind of sign language
Then one dude got an idea: Hey, we all learned Russian in high school, why don't we try speaking in Russian?
… After a brief, thoughtful thinking and pause … everyone returned back to that sign language
A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.
He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "turkish got 3 problems."
Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."
The Turkish respond: "Okay, maybe we should settle this outside."
The Russian: "That's your second problem: You always want to solve your problems with violence."
The Turkish bring him outside and pull their knives.
The Russian: "And here's your third problem. You always bring knives to gun fights."
An American is calling his Russian friend in the middle of winter.
"Dude I don't get it how you can stand such cold."
"It's not that bad. And we're used to it."
"Still. I saw on TV it's like -70° where you live? Crazy!"
"What? Nyet. It's maybe -30°. Not bad at all."
"Even that would be way too cold for me!"
"Haha you get used to it. I'm telling you, it's like -30° and that isn't too bad. Your TV lies to you."
"I guess. But they were showing your city, with all the cars under the snow, people in heavy coats, even thermometers showing -70°..."
"Oh! You mean on the outside..."
When in Russia (very bad quality joke)
A man visits Russia for a month. He enjoyed everything there for the first few weeks, the v**..., the cathedrals, even the people there. It was only towards the final week that he realised things started to get a bit strange. Everyone he sees have much stronger arm muscles by the end of the month than the start of it.
He asks a man wether it's normal to see this. "Not really, but it's reaspnable." the man replied, "Some people from Ghana came here recently to do a special f**... celebration, and in return -as per Russian tradition-, since they carried the people, all people in Russia carried them back!"
Oh those Russians
Suddenly there are a lot of covid cases in Russia. Vladimir needs to Putin a lot of restrictions on the people. Else the city will start Kremlin to pieces.
The difference between Russian and American politicians...
They both try to make people's like better. But the Russians have a list of people in mind.
Statistics can be misleading.
For example, 5 out of 6 people think Russian roulette is perfectly safe.
Why are Fire Trucks red?
Because they have eight wheels and four people on them, and eight plus four is twelve, and there are 12 inches in a foot, and one foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and the ship sailed the seas, and in the seas are fish, and fish have fins, and the Finns fought the Russians, and the Russians are red, and firetrucks are always russian around.
Russia is considering banning the internet for most people, replacing it with a limited Russian p**... version...
It will be called the InterNYET.
Do you know why firetrucks are red?
Firetrucks have 4 wheels and carry 8 people.
4+8=12
There are 12 inches in a ruler
Queen Elizabeth is a ruler
There was a ship named Queen Elizabeth
Ships sail on seas
Seas have fish
Fish have fins
People from Finland are Finns
Finland and Russia border each other
Russians are red
Firetrucks are always Russian around
A Russian Joke
People start starving and getting mad at Nikita Khrushchev.
He gets his hammer and breaks the *in case of emergency* glass, inside there are two letters from Stalin.
He opens the first one, it says "Blame everything on me."
This works great. For a while.
Soon, everyone is starving again, and Nikita opens the second letter. It says "Write two letters for your successor."
Why are fire trucks red?
Because they have eight wheels and four people, and eight plus four is twelve. Twelve inches is a foot, and a foot is a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is also a ruler, but queen Elizabeth is also a ship, and ships sail the seas, and seas have fish, and fish have fins, and the Fins fought the Russians, Russians are red, and fire trucks are always russhing around
Putin is held hostage by a t**....
A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks:
Driver: What's going on?
Policeman: A t**... is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 mill rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations.
Driver: Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average.
Policeman: About a gallon.
Russian media reports: 250 people protested today in Moscow
... out of which 1700 were arrested.
Russia has been cut off from CNN, CBS, ABC Pornhub, Facebook...
US is working depriving Russians of McDonalds, Coca-Cola and US fastfood. They continue with these sanctions and Russian people will probably be the most healthiest, well adjusted, spiritual and well informed people on the planet.
