Russian Jokes
133 russian jokes and hilarious russian puns to laugh out loud. Read ethnic jokes about russian that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article is about Russian jokes.
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Funniest Russian Short Jokes
Short russian jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The russian humour may include short soviet jokes also.
- I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette... It went in one ear and out the other.
- Oh man you know what my favorite thing about being Russian is? Getting to vote in American elections.
- My brother just broke the record by downing 22 Russian jets in Ukraine He'll forever be remembered as the worst mechanic in the Russian Air Force
- TIL in 1974 Russians accidentally blew up their own submarine, thinking it was an enemy Oops, wrong sub
- A German joke from 1944 How do you tell an Optimist German from a Pessimist German? The Optimist studies English, while the Pessimist studies Russian.
- Cardi B's sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly They call her 'Cagey B'
- A Russian Tourist Travels Abroad. Border guard: Nationality?
tourist: Russian.
Border guard: Occupation?
Tourist: No, no, just visiting this time. - A Russian boy asks his dad for 1000 rubles to buy some candy from the store His dad replies 1000 rubles? 1600 rubles is way too much to spend on candy. How much candy can 2300 rubles even buy?
- Russian army was thought to be the second best army in the world... ... It turns out it's only the second best army in ukraine.
- I'm being attacked by Russian hacker! Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day.
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Russian One Liners
Which russian one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with russian? I can suggest the ones about red army and russian name.
- I have a Russian friend who's a sound technician And a Czech one too.
A Czech one too. - If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian, Then soviet.
- Why is Putin in such a hurry to get into Ukraine? Because he's always Russian.
- 5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.
- What do you call a Russian that enjoys programming? Computin.
- What should ukrainian soldiers paint on captured Russian tanks? Ctrl-
- Why do Russians wear white armbands so they have something to wave when they surrender
- My dad is a professional Russian roulette player. He only lost once.
- My grandfather was a legendary Russian roulette player He only ever lost once
- Know what they called the Russian Ruble last week? Currency
- My russian boyfriend only writes in lowercase letters... He doesn't like Capitalism
- What do Russians call it when there is no internet? Inter-nyet
- The Russians bombed a cemetery yesterday. There were no survivors
- I bought a Russian advent calendar. Every time you open a window an oligarch falls out.
- What's the Russian word for no Wi-Fi? Interniet
Russian Roulette Jokes
Here is a list of funny russian roulette jokes and even better russian roulette puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I tried to warn him about playing Russian roulette. But it went in one ear and came out the other.
- My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.
- 1 in 6 people... find Russian roulette mind blowing.
- Five out of six people are okay with Russian Roulette... ... The sixth one loves it to death.
- Saw a documentary on Russian roulette It was mind blowing.
- 5 out of 5 people enjoy Russian Roulette. There was supposed to be a sixth, but he never got back to me about his experience.
- If at first you don't succeed, Then maybe Russian roulette isn't for you.
- Russian Roulette must be very easy. I have never heard of anyone who has lost the game more than once
- Six stormtroopers decided to play Russian Roulette. They got away with a warning but had to pay for the damage.
- Russian Roulette is pretty easy Just ask anyone who's played, they all say they won
Russian People Jokes
Here is a list of funny russian people jokes and even better russian people puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I heard WW 3 might be starting... I don't know... I think people might be Russian to conclusions.
- 5 out of 6 people would recommend it... 5 out of 6 people who played Russian roulette, would recommend it to others.
- Russian Roulette is completely safe to play! I interviewed people who played and %100 said that they all survived!
- How long does it take a Russian tank to drive from Moscow to Kyiv? Depends how many people are pushing.
- I surveyed many people who had played Russian roulette Seems like the probability of dying is actually 0%
- A lot of people keep saying to me Trump cheated the election. Well, honestly we shouldn't be Russian to collusion's.
- I don't know why people are saying the Russian military is weak They're ranked #2 in Ukraine.
- Everyone knows the Russians were the first to put a dog into space. Now people know they are also the first to put a monkey in the White House.
- Statistics can be misleading. For example, 5 out of 6 people think Russian roulette is perfectly safe.
- Russian media reports: 250 people protested today in Moscow ... out of which 1700 were arrested.
Russian Name Jokes
Here is a list of funny russian name jokes and even better russian name puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A Russian named Rudolf woke up one morning He looked out the window and announced, _"It's raining."_
His wife said, _"No dear, it's sleeting."_
He replied, _"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."_ - I had a Russian Uber driver the other day. His name was Pikup Andropov
- I hired a Russian chauffeur the other day... his name was Pikup Andropov
- Experiment made by Russian scientist Vazilikyev Karaazuruvsky reveals shocking information Nobody reads Russian names
- What is the one thing that Azhikelyamov Rozhdestvenskij learned in his career? That nobody reads long Russian names.
- What was the name of that very calm Russian tennis player? Oh yeah, I got it - Panikova!
- What's the name of the Russian Bee Gees cover band? KGBGs
- I had the luxury of obtaining a Russian style dishwasher during quarantine... Her name is Natalia and she makes a lot of noise when there's too much inside.
- Did you hear about the gay Russian knight? His name was Sergei.
- Bouncer with the best name ever I went to the club last night and met this half Spanish, half Russian bouncer with the most appropriate name ever: Julio Buggeroff.
Uproarious Russian Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
What funny jokes about russian you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean russian girlfriend jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make russian pranks.
A man bought a horse from a pastor of a church...
The pastor explains to him "to make the horse go yell 'Thank God!' And to make it stop yell 'Hallelujah'". He is riding the horse and gets distracted when he notices he is about to ride off a cliff and begins to yell "Hallelujah! Hallelujah!", and the horse stops just at the edge of the cliff. He wipes his sweat off and says "Phew! Thank God!".
*Old Russian joke my dad used to tell*
A Russian is travelling to Poland...
and he is stopped to be checked by an officer.
"Name?" the officer asked.
"Vlad Dobrynin," the man answered.
"Nationality?"
"Russian."
"Occupation?"
"No, no, just visiting."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the CIA t**... the Russian wasp?
Because he was a cagey bee agent.
I have finally punched my membership card into Dad jokes!
So last night my 12 year old son and I are watching the Little League World Series. The pitcher for the Nevada team has a last name of "Kryszczuk". My son looks to me and asks "Do you think he's Russian?"
My response: Nope, it looks like he's taking his time.
It took him a couple of seconds to realize and then he gave me that wonderful "Really, Dad?" look. I'm so proud.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How can you spot the rank of a Russian?
By the stripes on his Adidas jumpsuit.
What does a Russian woman say to stop her husband from abusing her?
Vladislov, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more...
I'm sorry..
Ol' Russian joke
Comrade Stalin approaches a farmer and asks :
"Comrade, how many potatoes have we grown this season?"
"Enough to reach God, comrade!" Replied the farmer.
"But there is no God" said Stalin
"Ah, said the farmer, as there are no potatoes."
A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up
A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.
The Doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY
Doctor: Can you read this ?
Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Do Russians only write in lower case letters?
I mean, they hate Capitalism.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Obama, Putin and Merkel at the baltic sea
Obama declares: Our submarines can stay submerged for ten days before needing air.
Putin promptly says: That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for up to a month.
Merkel is embarrassed and stays silent.
Suddenly a submarine emerges. The hatch opens and the man yells: Heil h**...! Is the war over?
A linguistics professor is lecturing his class
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."
A Russian grandpa arrives at German airport
He goes to the young girl who is in charge of border control and she asks after checking the passport
"Good morning, First time in Germany?"
"First time I'm visiting my son who lives here, but I've been here before"
"Weird, your passport doesn't have a stamp on it, How did you arrive last time?"
"T-34, I was the gunner"
"Dmytry! I take my hat off to you!"
"You and Sarah have been married for 50 years, whenever I see you walking around town you are still holding hands!
Well." Dmytry began
"If I let her go she will surely buy something!"
Translated from Russian, sorry if I made mistakes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A conman, a mentally handicapped person, and a Russian spy walk into a bar
And the bartender asks, "What will it be, Mr. President?"
A Russian goes to a watchmaker.
He says, "My clock is defective. It only goes 'tic...tic...tic...tic...' unlike the others, which go 'tic...toc...tic...toc...'."
"No problem", says the watchmaker, taking the clock from its owner.
He then shines a light in the clock's face and says menacingly, "We have ways to make it toc."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a homosexual Russian knight
Sergei
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are Russian automobiles the most unreliable?
They're always Stalin
A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...
"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"
"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"
The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
An American and a Russian were discussing their respective freedoms in the 1980's
American: We have more freedom. I can go over to the president and say "Mr. Reagan, I don't like the way you are running this country".
Russian: What's the big deal in that? I too can go to my president and say "Mr. President, I don't like the way Reagan is running his country".
If you are Russian when you go to the bathroom and you are Finnish when you leave the bathroom, what are you when you are in the bathroom?
European
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.
But it's really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do Russians commit s**...?
With two bullets to the back of the head.
My Russian wife wouldn't even teach me how to say hello in her language
She says it's private.
Russian computer: "Enter password"
Me: "Beef stew"
Russian computer: "Password not stroganoff"
A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar
And that was just the first guy
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.
He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."
Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."
The Turkish respond: "Okay, maybe we should settle this outside."
The Russian: "That's your second problem: You always want to solve your problems with violence."
The Turkish bring him outside and pull their knives.
The Russian: "And here's your third problem. You always bring knives to gun fights."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
The Frenchman says, They must be French, they're n**... and they're eating fruit.
The Englishman says, Clearly, they're English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.
The Soviet replies, No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in Paradise.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to h**....
Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Government for 2 hours and only pays 300 dollars.
Upon hearing this, Putin went ballistic and demanded that Satan tell him why Donald had to pay so less but get to talk more. Satan answered simply, "Ever since Donald Trump became U.S President, he has turned America into a h**...-hole, so it's a local call."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Russian dude enters a bar wearing a tshirt saying, "Turks got 3 problems."
Obvious repost
As soon as he enters the bar a bunch of Turks stop him.
Turks: you come in our country and have the b**... to insult us.
Russian : that's your first problem. you guys gets offended so easily.
Turks: Let's get him outside.
Russian: that's your second problem. you wanna solve everything with violence.
*They gets outside of the bar and Turks starts taking their knives out*
Russian: that's your third problem. you bring knives to a gunfight.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American spy comes into a Soviet bar
And orders a drink.
"No drink for US spies" said the barkeep.
The spy goes pale. He pulls out a bottle of v**... and drains it in one big gulp.
"You drink like Russian, but you are American spy"
The spy pulls out his accordeon and plays a wonderful Russian folk song, everyone in the bar tearing up, including the barkeep.
"You sing like Russian", he said under tears, "but you are American spy"
He starts dancing the Kozachok, worthy of the Bolshoy dancers.
"You dance like Russian, but you are American spy"
"Ok, you got me. But how do you know?"
"There are no black Russians"
Entire Russian history in five words
Russian history in five words: "And then things got worse."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Brit, A Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit."They must be British"
They pondered this possibility but the Frenchman and the Russians soon shake their heads in disagreement.
"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're n**... and so beautiful, clearly they are French". The Brit and Russian agreed on this point but the Russian soon raises an objection to this.
"No clothes, no shelter and they have only an apple to eat but they're told this is Paradise. They are clearly Russian"
A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.
A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"
The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"
The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour.
It's called RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.
A Russian worker standing in a liquor line says: I have had enough, save my place, I am going to shoot Gorbachev.
Two hours later he returns to claim his place in line.
His friends ask, Did you get him?
No, the line there was even longer than the line here.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guide for Russian troops: How to identify Ukrainians
Sometimes Ukrainian saboteurs try to pass off as Russian troops. The easiest way to identify them is to remove their pants and examine their genitalia. All Ukrainians have b**... of steel. Even women.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Putin is held hostage by a t**....
A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks:
Driver: What's going on?
Policeman: A t**... is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 mill rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations.
Driver: Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average.
Policeman: About a gallon.
Old Finnish WW2 joke
Finnish general Adolf Ehrnrooth was visiting in England after the World War II.
British general asked him how many Russian troops were stationed in Finland.
"A few hundred thousand" answered Ehrnrooth.
"Where in Finland are they stationed?" The British general asked.
Ehrnrooth answered: "Two meters underground around the border."
Russian Ruble is now worth less than 1 U.S. Cent after SWIFT Bank Sanctions
I think it's time we start calling the Ruble for what really is: Rubble
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you stop a Russian tank?
You shoot the two soldiers pushing it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many Russians does it take to capture Kyiv?
Its ok. Putin doesn't know either.
A woman is flirting with a Russian man at a bar(a joke)
She says,
"Hi, handsome, what do you do for a living?"
The Russian replies,
"I work for KGB."
"Cool, tell me an interesting story!"
"About me or about you?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you stop a russian tank from advancing?
Shoot the soldier pushing it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many Russians does it take to change a Ukrainian lightbulb?
At least 1 battalion to lose in the attempt. Please reply with your best punchline.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are on a a plan when the plane's engines fail and it starts to go down.
The pilot grabs one of the parachutes and jumps from the plane. The remaining passengers see that there is only one c**... left, and quickly do the math.
The Englishman stands up, straightens his tie, says "God save the Queen!" and jumps from the plane.
The Frenchman, not wanting to be seen as less noble than the Englishman, says "Vive la France!" and jumps to his death.
The Ukrainian stands up, straightens his vyshyvanka, says "Slava Ukraini!" and throws the Russian out.
Why does the new Russian Navy have glass bottom boats?
So they can see the old Russian Navy.
You know what never gets old?
Russian tank drivers
What's a joke that never gets old?
Russian infantry.
A Russian comes home after fishing trip
A Russian comes home after fishing trip and hears the news that Russia is at war. He asks another Russian what is going on, and he tells him:
"We are at war with NATO!"
"Oh wow, how many troops have been lost?"
"Well, we have lost 45,000 troops, almost 2000 tanks, a thousand artillery pieces, several hundred helicopters and aircraft, several generals have been captured, our economy is in shambles, and the Moskva was sunk.
"And NATO?"
"NATO hasn't showed up yet."
What did the Russian billionaire say when checking in at a hotel?
I'd like a room on the first floor, please.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you stop a Russian tank?
Shoot the soldiers pushing it.
Russian prime minister Medvedev comes to Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor stuff. Remember when that Polish plane crashed with their president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet!!"
Some say...
Some say that the average Russian soldier is two feet taller than the average Ukrainian solder. Others say that raised arms don't count.
A Russian buys a newspaper, looks at it and throws it in the bin. And so for a whole week. The seller couldn't stand it and finally asked:
\- Why are you doing this?
\- I'm looking for an obituary.
\- But the obituaries are on the last pages...
\- The one I'm looking for will be on the first one.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How has the Russian government started spelling Ukraine?
A-f-g-h-a-n-i-s-t-a-n.
