Uproarious Russian Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
A Russian spy, a s**... predator and a billionaire walk into a bar
Bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"
I have a Russian friend who's a sound technician
And a Czech one too.
A Czech one too.
I really don't like russian dolls...
They are so full of themselves.
Double Positives.
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.
'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'
A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'
A Russian is travelling to Poland...
and he is stopped to be checked by an officer.
"Name?" the officer asked.
"Vlad Dobrynin," the man answered.
"Nationality?"
"Russian."
"Occupation?"
"No, no, just visiting."
Why did the CIA t**... the Russian wasp?
Because he was a cagey bee agent.
I have finally punched my membership card into Dad jokes!
So last night my 12 year old son and I are watching the Little League World Series. The pitcher for the Nevada team has a last name of "Kryszczuk". My son looks to me and asks "Do you think he's Russian?"
My response: Nope, it looks like he's taking his time.
It took him a couple of seconds to realize and then he gave me that wonderful "Really, Dad?" look. I'm so proud.
How can you spot the rank of a Russian?
By the stripes on his Adidas jumpsuit.
Ol' Russian joke
Comrade Stalin approaches a farmer and asks :
"Comrade, how many potatoes have we grown this season?"
"Enough to reach God, comrade!" Replied the farmer.
"But there is no God" said Stalin
"Ah, said the farmer, as there are no potatoes."
A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up
A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.
The Doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY
Doctor: Can you read this ?
Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.
Do Russians only write in lower case letters?
I mean, they hate Capitalism.
You can explore russian putin reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean russian red army dad jokes. There are also russian puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.
Obama, Putin and Merkel at the baltic sea
Obama declares: Our submarines can stay submerged for ten days before needing air.
Putin promptly says: That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for up to a month.
Merkel is embarrassed and stays silent.
Suddenly a submarine emerges. The hatch opens and the man yells: Heil h**...! Is the war over?
A linguistics professor is lecturing his class
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."
If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian,
Then soviet.
"Dmytry! I take my hat off to you!"
"You and Sarah have been married for 50 years, whenever I see you walking around town you are still holding hands!
Well." Dmytry began
"If I let her go she will surely buy something!"
Translated from Russian, sorry if I made mistakes.
A conman, a mentally handicapped person, and a Russian spy walk into a bar
And the bartender asks, "What will it be, Mr. President?"
A Russian goes to a watchmaker.
He says, "My clock is defective. It only goes 'tic...tic...tic...tic...' unlike the others, which go 'tic...toc...tic...toc...'."
"No problem", says the watchmaker, taking the clock from its owner.
He then shines a light in the clock's face and says menacingly, "We have ways to make it toc."
What do you call a homosexual Russian knight
Sergei
I'm being attacked by Russian hackers!
Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day.
My grandfather was a legendary Russian roulette player
He only ever lost once
My dad is a professional Russian roulette player.
He only lost once.ο»Ώ
A Russian named Rudolf woke up one morning
He looked out the window and announced, _"It's raining."_
His wife said, _"No dear, it's sleeting."_
He replied, _"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."_
A German joke from 1944
How do you tell an Optimist German from a Pessimist German? The Optimist studies English, while the Pessimist studies Russian.
A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...
"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"
"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"
The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
I hate Russian dolls
They're so full of themselves
An American and a Russian were discussing their respective freedoms in the 1980's
American: We have more freedom. I can go over to the president and say "Mr. Reagan, I don't like the way you are running this country".
Russian: What's the big deal in that? I too can go to my president and say "Mr. President, I don't like the way Reagan is running his country".
A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.
But it's really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.
What do you call a Russian that enjoys programming?
Computin.
Russian computer: "Enter password"
Me: "Beef stew"
Russian computer: "Password not stroganoff"
A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."...
...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.
He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."
Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."
The Turkish respond: "Okay, maybe we should settle this outside."
The Russian: "That's your second problem: You always want to solve your problems with violence."
The Turkish bring him outside and pull their knives.
The Russian: "And here's your third problem. You always bring knives to gun fights."
Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids...
In one ear, out the other.
My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette.
Blew his mind.
A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
The Frenchman says, They must be French, they're n**... and they're eating fruit.
The Englishman says, Clearly, they're English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.
The Soviet replies, No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in Paradise.
A s**... predator, a racist and a Russian spy walk into a bar.
The bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"
A linguistics professor says
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Oh man you know what my favorite thing about being Russian is?
Getting to vote in American elections.
A Russian dude enters a bar wearing a tshirt saying, "Turks got 3 problems."
Obvious repost
As soon as he enters the bar a bunch of Turks stop him.
Turks: you come in our country and have the b**... to insult us.
Russian : that's your first problem. you guys gets offended so easily.
Turks: Let's get him outside.
Russian: that's your second problem. you wanna solve everything with violence.
*They gets outside of the bar and Turks starts taking their knives out*
Russian: that's your third problem. you bring knives to a gunfight.
Cardi B's sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly
They call her 'Cagey B'
An American spy comes into a Soviet bar
And orders a drink.
"No drink for US spies" said the barkeep.
The spy goes pale. He pulls out a bottle of v**... and drains it in one big gulp.
"You drink like Russian, but you are American spy"
The spy pulls out his accordeon and plays a wonderful Russian folk song, everyone in the bar tearing up, including the barkeep.
"You sing like Russian", he said under tears, "but you are American spy"
He starts dancing the Kozachok, worthy of the Bolshoy dancers.
"You dance like Russian, but you are American spy"
"Ok, you got me. But how do you know?"
"There are no black Russians"
A Brit, A Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit."They must be British"
They pondered this possibility but the Frenchman and the Russians soon shake their heads in disagreement.
"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're n**... and so beautiful, clearly they are French". The Brit and Russian agreed on this point but the Russian soon raises an objection to this.
"No clothes, no shelter and they have only an apple to eat but they're told this is Paradise. They are clearly Russian"
The best part about being Russian, is getting to vote in American elections.
Which is nice, because we never get to vote in our own.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.
A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"
The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"
A Russian citizen is crossing the border into Ukraine and hands his passport to the customs officer.
The customs officer asks: "Name?"
The Russian replies: "Vladimir Krylov"
The customs officer continues: "Occupation?"
The Russian replies: "Not yet, just visiting."
I tried to warn him about playing Russian roulette.
But it went in one ear and came out the other.
Guide for Russian troops: How to identify Ukrainians
Sometimes Ukrainian saboteurs try to pass off as Russian troops. The easiest way to identify them is to remove their pants and examine their genitalia. All Ukrainians have b**... of steel. Even women.
Putin is held hostage by a t**....
A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks:
Driver: What's going on?
Policeman: A t**... is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 mill rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations.
Driver: Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average.
Policeman: About a gallon.
Old Finnish WW2 joke
Finnish general Adolf Ehrnrooth was visiting in England after the World War II.
British general asked him how many Russian troops were stationed in Finland.
"A few hundred thousand" answered Ehrnrooth.
"Where in Finland are they stationed?" The British general asked.
Ehrnrooth answered: "Two meters underground around the border."
Russian Ruble is now worth less than 1 U.S. Cent after SWIFT Bank Sanctions
I think it's time we start calling the Ruble for what really is: Rubble
A Russian boy asks his dad for 1000 rubles to buy some candy from the store
His dad replies 1000 rubles? 1600 rubles is way too much to spend on candy. How much candy can 2300 rubles even buy?
How do you stop a Russian tank?
You shoot the two soldiers pushing it.
2 Russians are robbing a bank...
2 Russians are robbing a bank... Everything went successful, quickly and silently. However, before existing the bank, one Russian stops another one: "Hey, what kind of a robbery is it if no one got injured or killed?"
Russian 2: "You're right, kill that woman that's sitting over there!"
Russian 1 (to the woman): "What's your name?"
Woman: "Sofia"
Russian 1 (to Russian 2): "I can't kill her... My wife has the same name..."
Russian 2: "Then kill that kid that's sitting beside her."
Russian 1 (to the kid): "What's your name?"
Kid: "Billy, but everybody calls me Sofia"
Why do Russians wear white armbands
so they have something to wave when they surrender
How many Russians does it take to capture Kyiv?
Its ok. Putin doesn't know either.
Russia has been cut off from CNN, CBS, ABC Pornhub, Facebook...
US is working depriving Russians of McDonalds, Coca-Cola and US fastfood. They continue with these sanctions and Russian people will probably be the most healthiest, well adjusted, spiritual and well informed people on the planet.
a joke we tell in Ukraine
A russian, a Ukrainian and an African American guys are sitting in the waiting room while their wives give birth.
The nurse comes out with 3 babies and says "sorry guys, they've got mixed up..let's see whose is whose".
The Ukrainian takes a black kid and runs.
They yell "hold on dude!!! That kid is obviously not yours!"
the Ukrainian replied "I don't care I dont want a russian!!!"
Russian army was thought to be the second best army in the world...
... It turns out it's only the second best army in Ukraine.
A woman is flirting with a Russian man at a bar(a joke)
She says,
"Hi, handsome, what do you do for a living?"
The Russian replies,
"I work for KGB."
"Cool, tell me an interesting story!"
"About me or about you?"
Why is Putin in such a hurry to get into Ukraine?
Because he's always Russian.
My brother just broke the record by downing 22 Russian jets in Ukraine
He'll forever be remembered as the worst mechanic in the Russian Air Force
How do you stop a russian tank from advancing?
Shoot the soldier pushing it.
How many Russians does it take to change a Ukrainian lightbulb?
At least 1 battalion to lose in the attempt. Please reply with your best punchline.
A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are on a a plan when the plane's engines fail and it starts to go down.
The pilot grabs one of the parachutes and jumps from the plane. The remaining passengers see that there is only one c**... left, and quickly do the math.
The Englishman stands up, straightens his tie, says "God save the Queen!" and jumps from the plane.
The Frenchman, not wanting to be seen as less noble than the Englishman, says "Vive la France!" and jumps to his death.
The Ukrainian stands up, straightens his vyshyvanka, says "Slava Ukraini!" and throws the Russian out.
An Englishman, Frenchman, and Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve.
"They are so calm and contemplative. They would surely be English." The Englishman says.
"No," the Frenchman says, "they are n**... and beautiful, they would be French."
"My friends," the Russian begins, "no clothes, no shelter, they are sharing an apple between two, they're being watched, and they're told this is paradise. They are definitely Russian."
Why does the new Russian Navy have glass bottom boats?
So they can see the old Russian Navy.
A soviet joke about censorship that I found in my school book
An American tells a Russian that people in USA have the freedom of speech and that he even could go to the White House and shout:"Go to h**..., Ronald Reagan!"
The russian answers:"Oh, we also have freedom of speech. I, too, can go to Kremlin and shout:" Go to h**..., Ronald Reagan!"
What should Ukrainian soldiers paint on captured Russian tanks?
Ctrl-
Three men are discussing Adam and Eve
The Frenchman says "Adam and Eve must be French. They are beautiful, and n**..., and have all the world's beauty before them."
The Englishman says "Not at all. They are residing in the most beautiful, perfect Garden. They must be English."
The Russian says "They are without clothes, they are forbidden from eating, they are talked to by snakes, and they are being told it's Heaven. They are Russian."
A Russian comes home after fishing trip
A Russian comes home after fishing trip and hears the news that Russia is at war. He asks another Russian what is going on, and he tells him:
"We are at war with NATO!"
"Oh wow, how many troops have been lost?"
"Well, we have lost 45,000 troops, almost 2000 tanks, a thousand artillery pieces, several hundred helicopters and aircraft, several generals have been captured, our economy is in shambles, and the Moskva was sunk.
"And NATO?"
"NATO hasn't showed up yet."
A Russian Tourist Travels Abroad.
Border guard: Nationality?
Tourist: Russian.
Border guard: Occupation?
Tourist: No, no, just visiting this time.
What do you call a Russian with Covid?
Kalashnicough
What did the Russian billionaire say when checking in at a hotel?
I'd like a room on the first floor, please.
How do you stop a Russian tank?
Shoot the soldiers pushing it.
Putin, Obama and Merkel stand at the sea
Putin presents a submarine, saying: "This best russian technology! Our submarines stay 1 month under water without ever need to go surface!"
Obama smiles and says:
"This is our submarine... It can stay up to 3 months under water, no need to emerge even one time!"
Merkel stands next to them saying nothing.
Suddenly the sea is rambling and a submarine emerges next to them.
The top hatch opens and out pops and old man, raising his arm and shouting
"HEIL H*TLER, WE NEED DIESEL!"
Russian prime minister Medvedev comes to Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor stuff. Remember when that Polish plane crashed with their president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet!!"
A Trans-Nordic race was planned to pass through Norway, Sweden, and Finland, ending at the Russian border.
But everyone stopped at the Finnish line instead.
There's so much debate about whether to allow Russian athletes to compete internationally
Whatever else happens I hope they let Russians compete in the Paralympics. With the way the war's going they'll have a heck of a team
SchrΓΆdinger's Russian soldier is a famous physics thought experiment,
which presents a paradox in which a Russian in Ukraine is somehow simultaneously both alive and dead.
A Russian buys a newspaper, looks at it and throws it in the bin. And so for a whole week. The seller couldn't stand it and finally asked:
\- Why are you doing this?
\- I'm looking for an obituary.
\- But the obituaries are on the last pages...
\- The one I'm looking for will be on the first one.
Why do Russians paint Z's on their tanks?
So they can say Ukrainians are not-Z's.
How has the Russian government started spelling Ukraine?
A-f-g-h-a-n-i-s-t-a-n.
About Language...
An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room said, "Yeah, right."
The new Russian AI application
ChatKGB - it's asking all the questions, and you are obligated to answer them
