russia Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious russia puns

Russia started a new website that tracks down and deletes pirated movies.

Nyetflix.

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A Russian spy, a sexual predator and a billionaire walk into a bar

Bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"

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I have a Russian friend who's a sound technician

And a Czech one too.
A Czech one too.

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I think I've been hacked by Russia.

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On a flight back from Russia, a flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the captain immediately…

Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, sweaty, old slob who looks like a sexual deviant!

The captain responds, You must be new here. This is Air Force One.

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A mother is helping her son study for a geography test.

She asks him: "What is the capital of Germany?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"What is the capital of France?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"What is the capital of Russia?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"Good job, Adolf, you'll do great on your test tomorrow."

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Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

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I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the corpses of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me.

I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm.

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In Russia you watch tv

In America tv watches you.

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Make sure your viagra says "Made in the USA"...

We don't want Russia meddling in our erections.

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A school teacher in Hyderabad was once asked, "Can you make a sentence without using 'E'?"

"I doubt I can. It's a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It's as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would I gain? An award? A cash bonus? Bragging rights? Why should I strain my brain? It's not worth it."

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A Russian goes to a watchmaker.

He says, "My clock is defective. It only goes 'tic...tic...tic...tic...' unlike the others, which go 'tic...toc...tic...toc...'."
"No problem", says the watchmaker, taking the clock from its owner.
He then shines a light in the clock's face and says menacingly, "We have ways to make it toc."

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A mother is helping her son study for a test

She asks him "What is the capital of Germany?"

He replies "Berlin."

She then asks "What is the capital of France?"

He replies "Berlin."

She asks "What is the capital of Russia?"

He replies "Berlin."

She then hugs him and says "Great job Adolf, you'll do so well on your geography exam!"

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Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics?

It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for

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A Russian named Rudolf woke up one morning

He looked out the window and announced, _"It's raining."_

His wife said, _"No dear, it's sleeting."_

He replied, _"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."_

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Russia might not celebrate thanksgiving but I'm pretty sure they will be frying a turkey.

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In Soviet Russia, you rob banks...

in Capitalist America, banks rob you!

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Friend who lives in Russia told me this joke

(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)



The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.

- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.

- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.

- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mister Putin would like to talk to her.

- Will do.

- Thank you. *hangs up*

- Wait. What do you mean "if"?

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A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

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A Russian goes to Africa.

A Russian goes to Africa and is hanging out with the locals. He asks if they've ever played Russian roulette.

"We have our own version. There are six women. You pick one, and she gives you a blowjob."

"What's the danger in that?"

"One of them is a cannibal."

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A mother was helping her son study for a test

She asked him, "What is the capital of Germany?"

He replied, "Berlin."

She then asked, "What is the capital of France?"

He replied, "Berlin."

She asked, "What is the capital of Russia?"

He replied, "Berlin."

She then hugged him and said, "Great job Adolf, you'll do so well on your geography exam!"

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Can a woman be the president of Russia?

No because Putin is not a woman

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A boy is studying for his geography quiz

His mom asks him:

"What is the capital of Germany?"

"Berlin", says the boy.

"What is the capital of France?"

"Berlin."

"What is the capital of Russia?"

"Berlin."

"You're so smart, Adolf, I know you'll do great on your quiz."

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Ol' Russian joke

Comrade Stalin approaches a farmer and asks :

"Comrade, how many potatoes have we grown this season?"

"Enough to reach God, comrade!" Replied the farmer.

"But there is no God" said Stalin

"Ah, said the farmer, as there are no potatoes."

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Do Russians only write in lower case letters?

I mean, they hate Capitalism.

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There are only two seasons in Russia:

Winter and nuclear winter.

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I really don't like russian dolls...

They are so full of themselves.

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Russian computer: "Enter password"

Me: "Beef stew"

Russian computer: "Password not stroganoff"

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A Russian is travelling to Poland...

and he is stopped to be checked by an officer.

"Name?" the officer asked.

"Vlad Dobrynin," the man answered.

"Nationality?"

"Russian."

"Occupation?"

"No, no, just visiting."

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My Russian wife wouldn't even teach me how to say hello in her language

She says it's private.

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An old political joke from Imperial Russia (reign of Nicholas II)

A man yells in the street: "Nicholas is a moron!". He is taken away by the police on charges of lese majeste (insulting the monarch). He tells the policemen "Please let me go, I meant another Nicholas!". The police chief replies: "Do not lie. If you said 'moron', you certainly meant the Czar!"

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I Hear that Russia is so mad about the US airstrike in syria

That they are seriously considering voting democratic in the next election.

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How do Russians commit suicide?

With two bullets to the back of the head.

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Putin recently won the election with about 77 percent of the vote,

Over the next few weeks Russia will see a 23 percent population decrease.

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What does a Russian woman say to stop her husband from abusing her?

Vladislov, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more...


I'm sorry..

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What are the most funny Russia jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Russia? Well, here are the best Russia dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Russia pick up lines to share with friends.

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