Rush Hour Jokes
59 rush hour jokes and hilarious rush hour puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about rush hour that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Rush Hour Short Jokes
Short rush hour jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The rush hour humour may include short happy hour jokes also.
- Today, I saw a black guy wave to an Asian from across the street. It gives me hope for the future... Rush Hour 4!
- Got late on my first day at work, blamed it on Rush Hour. Got late on the 2nd day, Blamed it on Rush Hour 2
- A Chinese kid and a Black kid I was walking today and saw a Chinese kid and black kid wave at each other, whenI saw this it gave me hope for the future, or another Rush Hour movie.
- shows up late for first day of new job *blames it on rush hour* shows up late for second day of new job *blames it on rush hour 2*
- My mother always complains about hitting traffic during rush hour. I just think she needs to be a better driver.
- An Asian & A Black Man walk into a bar And suddenly I had an idea on how to make Rush Hour 4.
- John to Sam: Your friend is kissing your wife in your home. Sam rushed home angrily.
After half an hour, Sam came back and slapped the John.
Sam said: You fool, he is not my friend. - What did the Burger king yell, at his employee, during rush hour? Cook that as fast as you can! That's an order!
- Tried turning up the "black noise reduction" But I still can't mute ONLY Chris Tucker when watching Rush Hour 3..
- What do you call jelly flavored Go-Gurt that you eat in your car during rush hour? Traffic Jam.
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Rush Hour One Liners
Which rush hour one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with rush hour? I can suggest the ones about traffic jam and hour.
- What time is rush hour? 21:12.
- I blamed being late for work on Rush Hour... The next day I blamed it on Rush Hour 2
- What's a Chef's worst fear while working during rush hour? Running out of thyme
- Anyone else thing that Mayweather and Pacquiao should make a Rush Hour movie?
- Yo Momma Yo Momma so fat she clogs up the tunnel even after rush hour.
Rush Hour Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about rush hour you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lunchtime jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make rush hour pranks.
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette all enter the International Breast s**.
.. Swim across the English Channel.
After about 8 hours, the brunette makes it across, followed shortly by the redhead.
No sign of the blonde.
After 12 hours they decide they'd better go look for her when she pretty much washes up on shore.
They rush over to her and wrap her in warm blankets and give her a hot drink.
After a few minutes, she is breathing easier and says, "I don't like to tattle, but I think those other ladies were using their arms!"
Ok, ok, calm down, I'll call a plumber...
An old Jewish couple, Motti and Sara are going to bed. They get undressed and turn off the lights when Sara quickly pops to the bathroom. Suddenly, ten seconds later Motti hears Sara screaming, he jumps out of bed and rushes to the bathroom only to find a distressed Sara stuck a**...-first in the toilet.
"Motti, I slipped and fell in and now the suction means I can't get out!"
After some pulling and shoving Motti gives in says he will have to call a plumber, which he promptly does.
"Honey, you can relax, the plumber will be here in a half hour."
"But Motti, look at me, I'm b**...-n**..., I can't have him see me like this!"
Quick thinking, Motti takes off his yarmulke (kippa, skullcap, whatever) and carefully places it over Sara's c**..., thus protecting her dignity. With excitingly accurate timing, the plumber does indeed arrive thirty minutes later, Motti takes him upstairs and shows him his wife's predicament, the plumber says he will need a few minutes to assess the situation during which time Motti should go make him a coffee. Motti returns:
"Well? Whaddya reckon, can you get her out?"
"Yeah I can free your wife. But the Rabbi: he's a goner."
So a penguin is driving down the road..
.. When his car starts to make funny noises. The penguin gets a little worried, and decides to go to the nearest mechanic. He sees the auto-shop just down the road, and pulls into the garage. He asks the mechanic to check his car out and the mechanic says "Sure, come back in half an hour or so." So the penguin is sitting in the waiting room patiently and notices an ice cream parlour. He goes and buys himself a cone. He's about half done when he realizes his time is up. The penguin rushes the rest of his cone, and makes a huge mess; getting it all over his face. When he gets back, he looks at the mechanic and says "So, is it serious?" The mechanic replies "Nope, it looks like you just blew a seal." To which the penguin replies "No, no. It's just ice cream!"
A salesman gets lost (a little long)
A Salesman gets lost in the woods. Nearing dark he sees a farmers house, and decides to ask for a place to sleep. The farmer says, "Sure, but you're going to have to stay in the barn with some of the animals."
The salesman agrees, but before he could walk to the barn, the farmer tells him not to mess with the hole in one of the stables. The farmer goes off to the house, and the Salesman gets ready for bed.
A few hours into the night, the salesman starts to wonder about this "hole"... he looks over it, and sees that its got some heat coming from it, and its kinda moist. A few minutes pass and one thing leads to another...
The next day the farmer is woken up by the police at the door. An officer tells him they got a 911 call and tracked it to this location. The farmer says he didn't call, but maybe the Salesman did. He rushes over to the barn to see the Salesman pants down and pale white inside the "hole".
The farmer looks to the officers and says "Dang it,that's my milkin machine... it won't stop till its got 1 gallon."
Fishing trip
A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I need to go fishing with the boss for the weekend. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.
Sunday night, he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"
"Oh yes, great! I think I really impressed the boss. But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
"Oh, no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."
So a novice monk is copying texts...
So a novice monk is copying texts in a monastery. As he diligently works, get get's to thinking, "Hmm, if I just copy my master's work, and he just copied his master's work, and his master just copied them from his master, and so on, then what if there was a mistake? Wouldn't the mistake just be propagated with each new apprentice?" Finally, this thought gets to be too much, so he goes to the Abbot of the monastery. After tell the Abbot what he thinks, the Abbot says, "Wow, that's quite a weight on your mind. Let me go check the archives so I can prove that there is no mistake." The monk doesn't see the abbot again for several hours, but when he does, the Abbot rushes up and shouts, "Ahhh! We've made a horrible mistake!" "What is it?!" replied the monk. "There is a word changed," said the Abbot, "it's supposed to say 'celebrate!'"
Tom, Walter, and Mike are building a skyscraper...
Suddenly a stiff wind blows through and catches Tom off guard. He falls to his death. Walter and Mike rush down to the street level where a crowd has gathered around Tom's body.
"I suppose one of us should tell his wife", says Mike.
Walter sighed. "Well, I used to give him a ride home. I know where he lived and I'm good a delivering bad news. I'll do it."
So, Walter leaves Mike to help clean Tom off the sidewalk. About an hour later Walter comes back with a case of beer under his arm.
Mike says, "Hey! Where'd you get that?"
"Tom's wife gave it to me!"
"What? Why?"
"Well, when she answered the door, I asked her 'Are you Tom's widow?' She said "No, I'm not!' And I said "Bet you a case of beer you're wrong!'"
One day a mother skunk
Told her two baby skunks, In and Out, to go outside and play. The two baby skunks did so and where having a great time. The played tag, follow the leader, and tried catching bugs down by the river. Then Out had an idea.
"Let's play hide and seek," Out said. "I'll look for you first!"
Out hid his eyes and began counting slowly all the way until 100.
"Ready or not, here I come," Out shouted.
He rushed around all the usual spots but couldn't find his sibling. Everywhere he looked and found nothing made him a little more nervous. After an hour of screaming for his sibling he ran back home crying. He burst through the door and his mother looked at him.
"Out, what's the matter?" she asked.
"We were playing hide and go seek and I can't find In," he replied through his tears.
The mother smiled and patted him on the head. "Wait right here," she said and walked out the door.
Not even a minute later she walked back in with her other baby skunk.
Out looked at her with amazement. "Mommy, how do you find him so quick?!" he asked.
"Oh, it was easy," she replied. "In stinked."
Idiots
A wife is sitting at home when a breaking news report appears on the TV stating there is a deranged man driving 100 mph on the freeway against traffic during rush hour. Remembering that this is the same route her husband drives home on a daily basis, the shocked and terrified woman quickly grabs the phone and dials her husband...
"Hello?"
"Honey I just saw on the news that some idiot is flying at 100 mph against the traffic. Please be careful!"
"One idiot?! There are thousands of them!!!!"
A blond, a brunette and a redhead . . .
were in a breast s**... competition to cross the English Channel. They all dove in together on the shores of the UK. Across the Channel on the shores of France, the judges and media waited patiently.
After a few hours the redhead emerged from the waters to hearty cheers. About a half hour later, the brunette emerged to polite applause. But where was the blond?
They waited and waited. The sun was starting to set when the blond came out of the water, nearly dead from exhaustion. The few newsmen that remained rushed to her and asked if she had anything to say.
"Yes!" she gasped. "I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think that brunette and redhead were using their arms!"
Read this one a couple years ago, a little dirty but pretty funny.
In a local park trees are being removed to clear space for a playground. As the men are working, a group of world conservationalists climb the trees and protest to the removal. As one woman was chanting she slipped and fell out of the tree falling on a few branches on the way down. With her g**... full of splinters and bark she was rushed to the emergency room. She was looked at by the doctor and he told her to wait. After a few hours in excruciating pain he came back and she yelled at him for taking so long. He told her "Sorry, I had to get the right permits to remove lumber from a recreational area."
The Czechoslovakian and the German
A Czech and a German entered into a contest. The point of the contest was to guess the right 7 numbers and win an all expense paid trip to Alaska to hunt a grizzly bear. The contest ended and it turns out the two men guessed the same winning numbers, so both got to go on the hunt.
After arriving in the camp and getting settled they decide to head out tomorrow with the guide to hunt the mighty bear. But the next day the guide is feeling under the weather so the two men decide to go out alone. After hiking through rugged mountains for hours they come into a clearing and see two bears, a male and a female. The German takes aim and pulls the trigger... "Click"! The all expense paid trip didn't come with ammo. The sound startled the bears and they charged. The Czech pulls his knife and rushes at the bears. The German tries to pull his p**... but stumbled backwards, hit his head, and fell into a river. When he comes to he sees the guide kneeling over him.
After being briefed on the situation they
decide to track the bears and save the Czech. They find the female bear chewing on a boot, the guide takes aim and... "Bang!", the bear is dead. The two men cut open the bear and her stomach is empty except for a few fish. The German utters the immortal words," The Czechs in the Male"
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road...
...when the bus suddenly ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's field.
The old farmer heard the tragic c**... so he rushed over to investigate. He then began digging a large grave to bury the politicians.
A few hours later, the local sheriff was driving past the farmer's field and noticed the bus wreck. He approached the old farmer and asked where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer explained that he'd gone ahead and buried all of them. "Were they ALL dead?" asked the puzzled sheriff. "Well, some of them said they weren't," said the old farmer, "but you know how them politicians lie."
Bill works in a machine shop. One day he gets into an accident at work...
He leans in too close to a piece of machinery and chops off his arm. Bob rushes over to help. He puts Bill's arm in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. An hour later Bill comes out with his arm reattached. "Ah, the miracles of modern medicine," says Bob.
A few weeks later, Bill leans in too close again and chops off his leg. Bob puts Bill's leg in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. 2 hours later Bill comes out with his leg reattached. "Ah, the miracles of modern medicine," says Bob.
A few weeks later, Bill once again leans in too close and lops off his head. Bob puts Bill's head in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. 3 hours go by and finally a doctor emerges from the surgery room. He walks over to Bob and says, "I'm sorry, but your friend didn't make it." Bob is distraught and says, "But the miracles of modern medicine have samed him before. Why couldn't you reattach his head?" The doctor replies, "We would have been able to, but some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."
A young nun at a convent
A young nun at a convent had one too many s**... indiscretions, and turned up pregnant. Scared, she told no one of this, and was thankful that the order she belonged to wore loose, floor-length habits that would keep her secret safe, possibly right up until the birth.
And so it did, and upon the evening when the contractions started, she rushed down into the basement, hoping that no one would hear either her own moaning, or the cries of the newborn child.
After the birth, panic set in; she didn't know what she should do with the baby. If she were found with the child, she would be thrown out of the order, with no place for food or shelter. Knowing that the Mother Superior was a wise woman, and also having no other options, she placed the baby in a basket, and quietly crept into the sleeping Mother's room in the pre-dawn hours. She left the baby, and silently exited the sleeping chambers.
At sunrise, the Mother Superior awakened, and heard the baby as it was just waking from a nap. She quickly looked over the side of her bed, at the child in the basket, fell back in her bed with a sorrowful look, and dejectedly sighed, "Oh, God! You can't even trust your own finger any more!"
Blonde Race
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were all lifeguards. Each thought they were better swimmers than the others. So they decided to have a race down across the town lake. To make the race fair it was decided that everyone was to use the breaststroke.
The lake was huge so it took the redhead, obviously the best swimmer, 2 hours to swim across. The brunette followed her finishing with a time of 3.5 hours. After 5 hours the blonde has not made it across. Just as the redhead and the brunette are about the get on a boat and begin searching for the blonde, she crawls onto the shore.
Both the redhead and the brunette rush to her aid and try to help her up. She shoves them away and yells, 'Get off me you cheaters! I saw you using your arms!'
Airplane open mic.
Airline pilot is going through his preflight introduction to the passengers.
"I'm Captain Wilson. We will be flying at 30,000 feet and should be in Denver in about 2 hours. Please relax and enjoy your flight."
After he is finished, thinking he has turned off the microphone, leans over to the co-pilot and jokes, " I would really like a cup of coffee, and a b**...."
The stewardess upon hearing this in the back of the plane rushes toward the cockpit. As she heads up the aisle, one of the passengers shouts to her, "Don't forget the coffee!"
Two carrots are out for a drive in the country
And they're having the time of their lives. They're going fast around the curves and letting the wind in their stalks, just loving it. All of a sudden, they get in a pretty horrific c**... and are then rushed to the hospital. One of the carrots is ok, just minor cuts and scrapes, but the other is in pretty bad shape and is rushed into the OR.
After hours of operating, the doctor comes out to the other carrot in the waiting room and says, "I've got some good news and I've got some bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to live. The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
I feel bad for people who payed $100 to watch the fight.
if they wanted to see a c**... black dude and a well-mannered asian cuddle they should've just rented Rush Hour
It was rush hour so I decided to walk in the park...
And now I'm the #1 NA seed at worlds.
#FREESM
3 buddies go on a ski trip
After a long 18 hour drive, they get to mountain and they are exhusted. So they quickly rent a cabin and rush in to get to bed. When they get inside they realize that there is only one bed, and quickly agree to share it because they just want to sleep.
When they woke up they all felt refreshed and the guy on the far right said, "I just had the best w**... ever, I was with this hot blonde that would just not stop. "
The guy on the far left, to his surprise said, "wow, I also had a w**..., I saw the girl of my dreams and we were going at it too!"
The guy in the centre confused said, "you guys are lucky, all i dreamt of was skiing and for some reason my hands are sticky"
An accordion player walks into a bar,
orders a drink and chats up the bartender and the regulars for an hour.
Suddenly, he realizes that not only has he left his instrument in his back seat of his car in full view of passers-by, but he hasn't even locked his doors.
He quickly excuses himself from his conversation and rushes outside and up the block to his vehicle to take care of business, but it was too late.
Sure enough, someone had thrown another accordion in his back seat.
A Communist, Socialist and Capitalist all agree to meet at a cafe.
The Communist and the Capitalist arrive on time but the Socialist is late.
A hour later, the Socialist rushes in.
'Sorry I'm late guys' he said, 'I had to wait in line for a sausage'.
'What's a line?' asked the Capitalist.
'What's a sausage?' asked the Communist
One day, two carrots were walking down the street...
They were the best of friends.
Just as they started to step off the curb, a car came speeding around the corner and ran one of them over.
The unhurt carrot called an ambulance and helped his friend as best he could.
He was rushed away and taken to the emergecy room at the hospital.
After many hours of agonized waiting, the doctor came out.
He slowly walked over to the distraught carrot and said "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through."
"The bad news is that for the rest of his life, he's going to be a vegetable."
A bus filled with politicians was driving on ....
.... The country road on campaign trail. Suddenly on a turn the bus veered off and hit a tree with great force. A farmer nearby rushed in, and seeing the scattered bodies proceeded to bury them with dignity.
Police arrived in few hours and proceeded to question the farmer.
Police: "Good deed you did there. So all of them died huh?"
Farmer: " You know how these politicians are. Some of them kept lying that they were alive but I'll be d**... if I believed them again"
A guy is pulled over at 2:00 a.m. for driving 93 MPH....
Cop - hey buddy, where are you rushing at this late hour?
Guy - to a lecture.
Cop - a lecture?!?!? Who gives lectures at 2:00 a.m???
Guy - **my wife!**
The wife & I have just been to the cinema to see that film, Suffragette.
Two hours of a woman's struggle... full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration.
Anyway, after she finally managed to park the car in the cinema car park, we rushed in and caught the credits.
A resourceful woman...
A woman gets into a very busy restaurant around lunch time.
She is told the next available table would be free in an hour.
She holds her phone to her ear, and with a loud voice says:
"*Honey, you won't believe it, but your husband is having lunch with his girlfriend at so-and-so restaurant*"
Half the diners instantly get up and rush to the exit..
A man gets a call that his wife was in a terrible accident....
He rushes off to the hospital, upon arriving he sees the doctor approaching him. The doctor says, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is she's going to make it, the bad news is, she's never gonna walk again, she'll need twenty-four hour care, and the insurance isn't going to cover it... upon hearing this the man is devastated, how will I pay for all this? The doctor replies, nah man I'm kidding, she's dead.
"Father father! I need to tell you something!"
A young man rushed up to a priest shouting, and excited.....
Priest: what is it my son?
Man: Father, last night I met these two 18 year old twin sisters, we had a few drinks and then we went back to their house and I made love to them both father, for hours, in every way possible. It was absolutely depraved father!
Priest: hmmm, I understand, and now you wish to be forgiven.
Man: What? No.
Priest: Then.... why are you telling me?
Man: I'm telling EVERYBODY!
A man loses his toe in an unfortunate accident and calls 911.
They rush him to the hospital, where he is brought to the operating room for surgical reattachment.
He wakes up some hours later in the recovery room and sees the doctor waiting at the foot of his bed, looking uncomfortable.
Doctor? How'd it go? he asked.
Well... I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we confused your toe with a piece of candy. The good news is that the surgery was successful.
What are you saying, doctor?
You have a Tic-Tac toe.
An old hag was obsessed with shopping at Weis markets
She would wait outside the doors every morning until they opened. And then, she would binge-shop. She was so excited, she would run straight through the front door upon opening hours. The security guard took notice. He began to scold her. He told her one day, you can't keep rushing into our store like this! Only a fool behaves this way.
So, basically, Weis man say: only fools rush in.
The Pilot
The pilot gave his normal address to the passengers, this is your captain speaking, we will be ascending to 30000 feet and the flight time is two hours. Unfortunately he forgot to turn off his microphone and he joked to his co pilot that what he would really enjoy was a cup of coffee and a b**.... A hostess rushed to the cockpit to alert the captain about the microphone. A nearby passenger quipped, he also wants a coffee.
A woman is urgently rushed to hospital by her brother to give birth to twins.
In the hospital, she gives birth to a boy and a girl. She loses consciousness shortly after.
A few hours later, she wakes up with a doctor standing over her. She asks "Where are my children?"
The doctor replies "They're in the next room with your brother. He said you wouldn't mind if he named them."
Alarmed, the woman asks "What did he name them? He's a data engineer, you see, so I'm worried he might have chosen some...technical names."
"It's okay," assures the doctor. "He named your daughter Constance."
"Well, that's not too bad," the woman sighs. "What did he name my son?"
"Variables."
Best Salesman of the year
At a sales conference, one of the awards went to Matthew for best salesman. He'd sold a record quantity of mouthwash. After he'd been presented with his award, he was asked for the secret of his success.
Oh it's simple really, said Matthew. I set up a mobile stall during rush-hour and give away free samples of a 'new meat paste'.
When people ask me what it contains, I tell them it has venison, herbs and natural bull droppings.
As they heave and spit it out, I ask them if they'd like to buy a bottle of our mouthwash.
A man was enjoying his burger when someone broke the news to him that it was made out of 'Horse Meat'. Suddenly he went into a fit and started choking. Two hours upon rushing him to the hospital........
.......His condition is now known to be 'Stable'
A man is pulled over for recklessly speeding at 3am
The police officer demands to know: where are you rushing to at 3am?
The man answers: to hear a lecture.
The police officer asks: a lecture??? Who the h**... is giving a lecture at this hour of the night?!?!
The man responds: **my wife!!!**
For the couple of people that haven't seen this one yet.
Chris and Pat are in their residence listening to the neighbor's dog, who has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. Finally, Chris jumps up and says, 'I've had enough of this'
Rushing downstairs, Chris finally returns, and Pat says 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?'
Chris says, 'I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it.'
On May 5th I woke up at exactly 5:05 AM.
At 5:55 I left my apartment (apartment 505 on 55 5th St), hopped on the number 5 bus, and paid a $5 fare to go to work.
5 minutes later, I arrived at 555 5th street and rushed to my office in room 505.
After I'd been working for 5 hours, I realized that I'd experienced a lot of 5's that day. So, I hopped on the number 5 bus again and went to the race tracks.
I paid $55 for my seat at the race tracks, which was seat 5, row E, section 5 of the stadium.
I bet $500 on the number five horse in race 5 (which happened at 5:00 PM). And you know what happened?
>!He came in 5th.!<