runway Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious runway puns

Two pilots are landing a plane.

Two pilots are preparing to land and they're coming in hot. The wheels touch the tarmac and before you know it they're off the other end. 100mph through the grass, the fence and they smash through the gates. Glass and bags go everywhere.

When they finally come to a stop the pilot looks at his co-pilot and says "That was the shortest runway I've ever seen!"

The co-pilot says" Yeah, but wasn't it wide!

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Two marines are flying into an unfamiliar airport

The put the flaps up and descend lower, lower, lower and finally touch down. The brakes of the plane screeches and howl unlike anything you've ever heard. The plane comes to a stop just inches from the terminal. The pilot exlaims "that's the shortest damn runway I've ever seen". The co-pilot looks to the left, then looks to the right and says "Yea, but it sure is wide"

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Flight attendant landed this one on us yesterday

We just landed on the runway and the flight attendant annouces a message over the speaker.

"Hey folks...um yea sorry about that rough landing...

...wasn't the captains fault,

...definitely wasn't my fault,

...it was the asphalt."

The result: a perfect mix of laughs and groans.

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Ole and Sven are flying a plane over northern Minnesota

Ole is the pilot, and they are approaching their destination. Sven looks out the window and sees the runway in the distance. He notices the runway looks rather short and says, "Y'know, Ole, dat looks like a really short runway."

Ole replies, "Oh, don't worry. Dis is a small plane after all. Dere's plenty of space for us to land."

As they get closer, Sven sees that the runway is indeed very short, and he says, "Ole, I don't know bout dis, it looks like dat runway is too short."

Ole says, "Ok, I'll press da brakes as hard as I can when we come down, how bout dat?"

But Sven isn't reassured very much. At this point, he can see that the runway is almost certainly too short for them to land. He says, "Ole! Dis runway is way too short. we're gonna crash!"

Ole says, "Oh shut up. I'll just put de plane in reverse as soon as we land, that'll do it."

So, the plane touches down, and despite Ole's best efforts, they do go off the runway and into the fence. The plane flips over a few times and is heavily damaged, but luckily both Ole and Sven are relatively unharmed. The two climb out of the wreckage, and Sven says, "You see, I was right! Dis runway was too short!"

Ole looks up and down the runway, and then he says, "Aye, it was really short. But look at how *wide* it is!"

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So there is a mother and her daughter sitting on the plane.

They haven't taken off yet and are still on the runway. The daughter, who is pretty young, say four or five, looks out the window and gets to thinking....

"Mommy. If big dogs have puppies and big cats have kittens, then shouldn't big airplanes have little baby airplanes?"

And the mom, she's hungover and jet lagged.

"aw, baby, just go ask the stewardess"

So the daughter gets up to ask the flight attendant.

"Hey stewardess lady, if big dogs have puppies and big cats have kittens then shouldn't big airplanes have little baby airplanes?"

And the stewardss says "did your mother tell you to come ask me this?" The girl nods.

"well, you see, sweetheart, this is JetBlue. And we always pull out on time. That's why there's no baby airplanes. Go ask your mom about that."

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An extremely close landing on an extremely short runway..

A plane is nearing its destination. The pilot turns to his co-pilot and remarks: "That looks like a really short runway." The co-pilot looks at it and says: "Yes, captain, its really short." 100 meters from the runway, the pilot communicates to the passengers and crew: "Fasten your seatbelts, this is going to be an extremely close landing!" The plane touches down on the ground, engages maximum breaks, and with schreaching tires comes to a stop two meters from the end of the runway. "Phew, " says the pilot relieved. "That was the shortest landing I've ever made." The co-pilot looks out of the windows and answers: "And certainly on the widest runway I've every seen.."

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Two blind pilots are on a plane

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke.

In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die"

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2 Newfies are landing a airplane

2 Newfies are landing an airplane. The pilot says to the co-pilot, "That runway looks pretty short, better give me half flaps". "Roger" says the co-pilot. The pilot says, "That runway is really short, better give me 3/4 flaps." After a second, the pilot screams, "The runway is REALLY short, give me full flaps and brake hard as soon as we touch down!". The plane lands and come to a screeching halt immediately. The co-pilot says, "Wow, that runway was really short" and the pilot says, "Yes, but look how wide it is."

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The passengers on a small plane are quite surprised the when the pilots arrive.

The passengers on a small plane are quite surprised when the pilots arrive.

The pilots walk up the aisle, both wearing dark glasses. One has a seeing-eye dog, the other is tapping his way with a white-tipped cane.

The cockpit door closes, the engines start up.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway. People by the windows realize they're heading right towards the water at the end of the runway.

Panic ensues. Screams fill the air. At that very moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot. "Y'know, Bob," he says. "One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

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UK politician Boris Johnson has promised to lie in front of bulldozers clearing a path for the 3rd Heathrow runway.

This should be no problem for him as he has already had plenty of practice lying in front of a bus!

(Credits to /u/canalavity and /u/chrisjd)

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Two blind pilots enter a plane

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke.

In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says :
"You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die"

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The Brave Alaskan Pilot

One day there was a terrible blizzard in Alaska and a lone pilot radioed grown control to turn on their runway lights. Ground control radioed back saying that the pilot could not land there because the storm was too bad. The pilot radioed again and demanded they turned on the runway lights, but again ground control said that the storm was too bad and told the pilot to turn around and land somewhere else. The pilot radioed back and said, "I've already landed, I need the lights to guide me to the lodge!"

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Murphy and Seamus

Two Irish pilots, Murphy and Seamus, are flying a Ryanair Ltd. jet on its final approach at Cork Airport.

Murphy says: BuayJesus! Maury an' Josefff! Look how short this runway is.

Seamus replies: Yes, but look how fookin' wide it is!

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Passengers aboard an airplane watched nervously

As two men wearing pilots' uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit.

The plane starts barreling down the runway, and the passengers begin to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip nears. With only a few yards left, everyone screams, but the plane lifts off just in time. The passengers think it was all a joke, while in the cockpit, the pilots high five.

"You know," says one pilot to the other, "one day they're gonna scream too late, and we're gonna die."

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A flight crew is landing at an unfamiliar airport.

The control tower gives them a runway assignment, and they start their approach.

The pilot says, "Does that runway look kind of short to you?"

The co-pilot says, "It sure does."

"I thought it was supposed to be longer than that"

"Me too"

"Better set full flaps."

"Full flaps set."

"I want thrust reversers the minute we touch."

"Standing by on the thrust reversers."

"And full power once thrust reversers are set."

"Roger that."

"I'm gonna try to catch the very end of the runway, and stand on the brakes. Stand by to reverse thrust."

"Roger that."

They touch down, blast the thrust reversers, stomp the brakes, and just manage to get the plane stopped before it runs off into the grass.

The pilot says, "Damn, that was a short runway."

The co-pilot says, "Yeah, but look how *wide* it is."

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A man is sitting in an airplane waiting for take off...

...when the PA comes on. The captain says, "Alright everyone we'll be entering the runway in just a few minutes. Please fasten your seat belts and prepare for take off." There's a small clicking noise, but the passengers can still hear the captain. He says to the other pilot, "Man, you know what I could really go for right now? A blowjob and a cup of coffee." A flight attendant gasps and immediately runs to the cockpit to tell the captain the microphone is still on. Right then the man in the back yells, "Hey lady, you forgot the cup of coffee!!"

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Airplane passengers watch nervously

As two men wearing pilots' uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit.

 

The plane starts barreling down the runway, and the passengers begin to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip nears. With only a few yards left, everyone screams, but the plane lifts off just in time. The passengers think it was all a joke, while in the cockpit, the pilots high five.

 

"You know," says one pilot to the other, "one day they're gonna scream too late, and we're gonna die."

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A paraplegic went down a runway...

She made for a great roll-model.

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All-Female Crew

As the aircraft was taxiing towards the runway to take off, the voice on the speaker welcomed passengers on board and introduced them to the pilot.

"Your captain is Miss Mary Joystick...."

"You mean to tell me this plane is being piloted by a woman?"asked an alarmed passenger to a stewardess."

"Yes, sir," replied the stewardess. "So is the co-pilot, Miss Jane Understudy. So also are the radio operator and the navigator, they are all women in command."

"I must see this for myself," said the passenger. "Please take me to the cockpit."

"We don't call it that any more, sir," replied the stewardess.

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A pilot is coming in for a nighttime landing...

He decides to mess around so he turns off his lights and says to the tower:

"Guess who?"

The tower replies by turning off the runway landing lights and says:

"Guess where?"

(from my old flight instructor) :)

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Two Polish airline pilots attempt to land a plane.

They bring the bird down, but after a short ride the plane crashes into an empty hangar. One pilot goes: "Damn was that a short runway." The other one: "Yeah, but it was wide though."

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Two women pilots are coming into Heathrow to land their plane

The copilot says, "That runway is a bit short, aint it?"

The pilot replies, "Yeah, but look how fucking wide it is!"

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A model was walking down the runway...

She got hit by an airplane.

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Models

Why did the models keep tripping on the runway?




They were showing off the fall lineup. Badumtss

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There are 2 pilots in a cockpit

… and they are getting ready to land the plane. The weather is extremely poor outside and the landing is quite rough but they manage to get the plane down safely. Once on the ground the co-pilot turns to the captain and says "Damn, that was the shortest runway I've ever seen" the captain replies "yeah, and so wide!"

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What are three most useless things in aviation?

The runway behind you.

The altitude above you.

The fuel back at the fbo still in the fuel truck.

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What do you call it when a pilot hits the eject button as he's going down the runway?

Premature ejectulation

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Santa's annual check ride

As the sled rotated off the runway, the examiner pulled a double-barreled shotgun from under his cloak and blasted one of the raindeer. He then turned to the perplexed Santa and said "Engine failure on take-off!"

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A Belgian pilot...

A Belgian pilot is landing his plane,
Pilot: wow, what a short runway!
Copilot: yea, but it's sooo wide though!

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A Lion Air flight which overshot a runway in Bali crash landed in the ocean Saturday...

and now it's just Lion there.

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I went down the runway on all fours with a pissed off expression on my face.

Apparently that's the last time I'll ever do a catwalk.

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I dated a runway model once

She was always fashionably late

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Rough Landing

An airline pilot had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying Delta Airlines." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

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Where do you see airplane models?

Runway

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Where do you think you can run but yoy can't?

A runway!!

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What are the most funny Runway jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Runway? Well, here are the best Runway dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Runway pick up lines to share with friends.

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