Running Mate Jokes
33 running mate jokes and hilarious running mate puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about running mate that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Running Mate Short Jokes
Short running mate jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The running mate humour may include short vice president jokes also.
- My mate asked me to do a charity 5 mile run... I said no. He then told me it was for blind and disabled people.
I then thought.. I could actually win this. - If we can get Al Franken to run for President, with the Green Party candidate as his running mate, my bumper sticker would be... Franken Stein 2020
- Q.: "Governor, what would you say if Trump picked you as his running mate?" Christie: "I'll close down that bridge when I get to it."
- Flat mate saw me chopping furiously in the kitchen He said "why are you cutting up rosemary so fast"? I said cos I've run outta thyme
- I hope that Senator Franken runs for President in 2020 and picks Jill Stein as his running mate That'd be a real Franken/Stein ticket
- Joe Biden is very close to making a decision about a female Vice Presidential running mate. Sources close to the matter have stated that he's already given several of them his digits.
- Donald Trump just announced Mike Pence to be his Running Mate. If Hillary wants to one up Trump in that regard, her running mate should be Mike Tuppence.
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Running Mate One Liners
Which running mate one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with running mate? I can suggest the ones about runner up and candidate.
- Why did Cruz pick Carly Fiorina as his running mate? To lay off his campaign staff.
- What do you throw to a drowning politician? Their running mate.
- Why did Hillary put an Australian athlete on her ticket? She needed a good running mate.
- I lived with my friend who got run over He was my flat mate.
- Hillary has chosen Bernie as her running-mate! Bernie Madoff
- Did you hear who Deez Nuts is picking as a running mate? Shaft.
Hilarious Running Mate Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about running mate you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean roommate jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make running mate pranks.
A captain and his crew...
A crew mate runs to his captain "Captain! Captain! There is an enemy ship on the horizon! What do we do?" The captain replies "Grab me my red shirt." "Why?" The crew mate asks. "So that my crew doesn't see me bleeding from the battle." The captain replies. Another guy runs up "Captain! Captain! I have an update there are 7 more ships what should I do?" "Go get me my brown pants."
In a shelter for abused women.
My husband used to beat me on regular basis. Sometimes, he would get his drinking mates and they would stand one after another to beat me. But one day I said to myself: get a grip woman, enough is enough. So when my husband and his mates collapsed drunk, I run away to this shelter. After 6 months I feel much better. The thing I like the most about this place is that there is no punchline.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
2 hunters chat about their hunting stories
2 hunters talk about what has happened to them and the first one says... "Once, when I was in Africa and I was hunting I feel something is behind me... so I turn around and see a huge lion right behind me ...so I start running in order to escape but it was getting closer and closer but when it just about to get me … the lion just slipped and fell on the ground so I escaped." the second hunter then ask him in awe "and how the h**... you didn't s**... yourself mate? so he replies "what you think the lion slipped on ?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A group of friends are hiking in the mountains, when they spot a bear running towards them...
They frantically drop everything then start running from the bear. But the bear soon catches up to the slowest friend and mauls him.
The horrified friends watch in horror as the bear feasts on their deceased mate.
Then one of them breaks into tears sobbing:
"I feel so guilty!"
"It could've been any of us, my friend. You should not feel any shame or guilt!"
"You mean... You guys would've tripped him too?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A two foot tall man named Shaw is sentenced to five years in prison
So naturally he's scared. In particular, he's scared of a large Dutch prisoner named Reedemps, who runs the cell block and gives the diminutive Shaw beatings on the regular.
Shaw makes friends with his cell mate, Joe, who is also afraid of Reedemps, Together, they hash out a plan to get revenge. Joe will get Reedemps to chase him, and Shaw will be waiting with a toothbrush he's s**... into a plastic knife.
The next day at lunch Joe dumps his prison lunch chili on Reedemps' head and runs into a closet. Reedemps opens the closet, where Joe kills the lights and yells:
Shaw! Shank Reedemps' shin!
A rabbit escapes a laboratory
Upon running away he stumbles across a group of rabbits in a field. The leader welcomes him and says 'the outside world isn't like the lab, you can do what you want here, try some of the grass'. The grass tasted like nothing the rabbit had tasted before, it was so refreshing and tasty. He then went around mating with all the female rabbits all day. At the end of the day the leader saw the rabbit running back to the lab and he said 'what are you doing? I thought you loved it here', the rabbit said 'yes I do, but I'm dying for a cigarette'.
Ok, so my neighbours officially hate me.
Me and a few mates were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were roasting marshmallows and stuff when suddenly we hear sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
So we all went running to see what was up, and our neighbour's house was on fire!
Well, when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever..
Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Talk about bad timing...
The Philosophical Defense Mechanism
The leopard crouches to pounce the gazelle.
The gazelle says, Are you sure you want to eat me?
Leopard pauses. Uh, why wouldn't i?
"Well, I mean, is this what you want to be doing with your life? Do you see yourself doing this in five years?"
"What do you mean? if I eat you now, you won't be here in five years." says the leopard.
The gazelle shrugs. Don't you have goals? Aspirations? 'Eating Gazelle' is setting the bar pretty minimally. Don't you want cubs?
"I… gee. Maybe write a screenplay…" The leopard sits down and sighs. "Look, I'm between opportunities right now, I'm in my mom's den. What can I offer a mate?"
"No, I understand, What went wrong?"
"Well I-"
The gazelle runs away.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... Has A Broken Leg
p**... has a broken leg and his buddy m**... comes over to see him.
m**... says, "How you doin'?"
p**... says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
m**... goes upstairs and sees p**...'s gorgeous 19-year old twin daughters lying on the bed.
He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have s**... with both of you."
They say, "Get away with ya... Prove it."
m**... shouts downstairs, "p**..., both of 'em?"
p**... shouts back, "Of course both of 'em, what's the point of f**...' one?"
A schoolteacher quits his job to become a pirate...
In 18th century America, a schoolteacher decides that he's sick and tired of teaching spelling and grammar to children all day. So he quits his job, sells his house, and plans to become a pirate. He goes down the harbor to buy a boat and hire a crew. Once his crew is ready, they head out onto the high seas, with the captain/former teacher at the helm.
As they sail, they spy a merchant ship on the horizon and start chasing it. As they catch up, the captain tells the first mate to command the crew to start priming the cannons. The first mate sends the message down and the crew readies the cannonballs, prepares the gunpowder, and takes aim at the merchant ship. The first mate runs back up to the helm and says "captain, the cannons be ready!"
The captain turns to the first mate and says "are!"
Football and accountancy in one joke
A Sunday League football team is desperate for players. So desperate in fact that one Sunday they are forced to play a chicken. Rather surprisingly the chicken has a brilliant first half. One minute it's clearing off its own line, the next threading the perfect through ball, the next putting in a perfect cross.
At half time all its team-mates are very pleased and everyone runs back onto the pitch for the second half.
On the way the ref starts chatting with the chicken.
"Great first half mate, you must be really fit".
"Thanks", replied the chicken, "I try to keep myself fit but its difficult finding the time so I try to do an hour in the gym each morning before work".
"What do you do then?" asked the ref.
"I'm a chartered accountant" replies the chicken.
At this point the ref immediately brandishes the red card and sends the chicken off. The bemused team-mates gather round the ref and start complaining.
"Sorry lads", says the ref, "I had no choice - *Professional fowl*".
Pirate Joke
While out at sea, a first mate runs to the captain and saying "Captain! There are ten enemy ships on the horizon!"
The Captain responds "Aye! Bring me my red shirt."
The Captain puts the shirt on and battle ensues. After a few hours, they emerge from the fight victorious. The first mate asks "Why did you need your red shirt?"
The captain replies "Because if i was wounded in battle, the crew wouldn't notice and would continue without me."
A few weeks later, the first mate runs frantically to the captain saying "Captain, there are 100 enemy ships on the horizon! What are we to do?
"Get me my brown pants!"
There were two sisters...
Once upon a time, in the wild, wild West there were two sisters, Jill and Susie. A relative of theirs dies and leaves the two sisters a ranch. The ranch was run down and they had little else to their name besides the ranch so they thought they'd invest what they had left into a stud bull to mate with their cows.
They found an ad in the paper for a healthy bull for sale for $500 and decided Jill would go down and see if the bull would be suitable and Susie would stay back and manage the ranch. If Jill decided the bull was fine she would send a telegraph back home to have Susie come down and help bring the bull back up.
Jill travels out to look at the bull and decides that it is worth the money. She pays the $500 and goes to the telegraph office to send word to her sister. She told the operator she'd like to send a message to her sister that the bull was fine and that she should come down to help bring it back to the ranch.
The operator told her it would cost $1 per word. All Jill had left after buying the bull was $1 and she thought long and hard about the message she could send. Finally, she told the operator to send the word "comfortable." The operator shook his head and said, "I don't get it, why the word comfortable?" Jill said, my sister is blonde, she'll look at the word and read it slow. COM-FOR-DA-BULL.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Monkey business
There's a guy hitchiking along the highway, when along comes an 18-wheeler. It pulls up, and comes to a grinding halt. The hitcher runs to the truck, reaches up, opens the door and jumps in. Inside the truck is the driver, and beside him is his pet monkey.
"Great lookin' monkey, mate," said the hitcher.
"Yeah, he's great company, and he looks after you as well. Take a look at this."
Without further ado, the truckie winds up, and punches the monkey in the guts with all his might. The monkey dutifully bends down, unzips the truckie's fly, goes down and gets to work on the truckie at a vigorous pace. Once the captain of the Kenworth has unloaded his cargo all over the cabin, the monkey wipes him off, zips up his master's fly and sits back down in his seat in the cabin.
"That's GREAT!!!" says the by now quite interested hitchiker. "Can I have a go??"
The truckie looks across and replies, "Yeah sure, why not?"
"There's only one thing though" says the hitcher.
"What?"
"There's no need to s**... me in the guts so hard."