Run Jokes
159 run jokes and hilarious run puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about run that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Whether you're a long-distance runner or a fan of running gags, this article will have you rolling on the floor with laughter. From hitting and running to nut and running, these running jokes are sure to have you in stitches. Who knew running could be so much fun? Be on the lookout for oncoming runners and hide when you hear, "Home run!"
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Funniest Run Short Jokes
Short run jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The run humour may include short hide jokes also.
- Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't. It's my longest running joke of the year.
- If you run in front of a car you'll get tired... But if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted
- I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, Wow! That could have been me! Then I remembered I can't drive a bus.
- 2 blind guys were about to fight I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins!
Both started running away. - We used to have empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by king.. Now we have countries..
- I told the cop, You can't write me a ticket. I have a marathon to run tomorrow. The cop said, Sir, that's not how you play the race card.
- I wish my college was run by EA At least I'd get a sense of pride and accomplishment for my money
- After my dad died, I went to his favorite park to scatter his remains A park employee came running, yelling "STOP! You cant do that here!"
I said "Why not?"
He said "You have to cremate him first!" - A guy was screaming at the TV Run idiot, run! His wife walked in and asked Are you watching a horror movie? . He said No. It's our wedding tape
- I painted my computer black so it would run faster. Now it doesn't work.
Then I painted my computer white so it would work.
Now the whole system is corrupt.
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Run One Liners
Which run one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with run? I can suggest the ones about oncoming and runner.
- is your refrigerator running? If so, I may vote for it.
- Doctor: sorry sir but your body has run out of magnesium Me: 0mg
- How does an Apple watch owner know that it's midday? It's already run out of battery.
- Jesus may have walked on water... But Stephen hawking can run on batteries
- How come ants don't get sick? ...because they have lil' anty-bodies
*runs away* - What do you call it when two giraffes run into each other? A giraffic jam
- What kind of running means walking? Running out of gas!
- Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl When she noticed me, we went for a run
- You can't run through a camp ground. You can only ran, because it's past tents.
- Why did Cruz pick Carly Fiorina as his running mate? To lay off his campaign staff.
- McAfee not dead actually.. He is still running in the background.
- You know Apple is run by men... when they call it an iPhone 6+ and it's only 5.5 inches.
- How many Mexicans does it take to run a computer? Dos
- TIL that diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in the jeans.
- I used to run a dating service for chickens... But i was struggling to make hens meet.
Home Run Jokes
Here is a list of funny home run jokes and even better home run puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm not racist but I saw a black guy running down the street with a TV and I thought "that's mine".
But then I realized mine is home, polishing my shoes. - So Tim Tebow just hit a home run in his first professional at bat But he had no idea what to do once he got to third base.
- A man runs home after winning the lottery "Honey honey! We won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
"Oh my god that's amazing! Where are we going?!"
"I don't care, just get out!" - I went for a run , but came home back after 2 minutes because I forgot something I forgot that I was fat and couldn't run for more than 2 minutes.
- When I heard the news that 12 Thai schoolboys had been rescued from underground... I had to run home and make sure my basement was still padlocked.
- Chuck Norris hit the longest home run in MLB history He also caught that ball
- My son is currently studying how to run away from home. He'll go far, that kid.
- Did you hear about the tree that tried to run away from home? He's not out of the woods yet.
- Greg wins £25,000,000.00 in the nationally lottery and runs home "Margret, I won the lottery, pack your bags", "why Greg, where are we going?". "I don't care, pack your bags and get out" says Greg.
- What's the difference between a baseball player and an orphan? An orphan doesn't have a home to run to.
Nut And Run Jokes
Here is a list of funny nut and run jokes and even better nut and run puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Leprechauns Why are leprechauns always laughing when they're running?
Because the grass is tickling their nuts - The biggest joke of 2015.. When you have Donald Trump, Hilary Clinton, and Deez Nuts running for President.
- I just saw a chipmunk running around Walmart... His savings were nuts!
- Did you hear who Deez Nuts is picking as a running mate? Shaft.
- A man runs out of a forest and into a bar, yelling: the squirrels are after me, they think I'm nuts!
Cookie Run Jokes
Here is a list of funny cookie run jokes and even better cookie run puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you do when you run out of cookies? Order Samoa.
- Four girlscout cookie boxes down in a day and I realized I have a problem ... I'm running out of cookies.
Hit And Run Jokes
Here is a list of funny hit and run jokes and even better hit and run puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A pickpocket is a victim of a motorcycle hit-and-run. A police officer comes to his aid.
"Do you remember his license plate?" he asks.
"No" says the pickpocket weakly, "but here's his wallet." - I got ran over by someone in a wheelchair It was a hit and can't run.
- Two guys go into a hat shop run by a cyclops. One of them says "That's the one I'd get". So the cyclops hit him.
- I'm training for a marathon with my friend. Every day when we hit the trails he tells me the same thing, and it always makes me laugh. It's a running joke.
- Boxing is probably the most applicable martial art to the street... If you run away, you probably won't get hit.
- A man was arrested after running a red light and hitting a Chinese food delivery car. He is charged with careless driving and wonton destruction.
- They say the music you listen too is tied to your personality;I listen to Chris Brown. Two counts of assault and one hit and run.
- Young Jesus comes running into Saint Joseph's carpenter shop... Daddy, did you call me?
Ah no, son, I just hit my thumb with a hammer. - Did you hear about the baseball player who was in that terrible wreck? It was a hit and run.
- I've only had one car accident in the last month. It was a hit and run, so technically it doesn't even count.
Cheerful Fun Run Jokes for Lovely Laughter
What funny jokes about run you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean ran jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make run pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the h**... was wrong with you?
Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.
Judge: Hit the 2 men of course!
Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran inside the restaurant so l followed him.
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
So in essence, Jesus is...>!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<
A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover
The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."
A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."
"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.
Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
One's a crustacean, the other's a crushed Asian.
During a biology exam a student has to list three pros of breast milk.
He's unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:
- Contains all the nutrients a baby needs,
- Doesn't need heating,
But he still needs one more. And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:
- Has great packaging.
A boy excitedly reports to his miserly father...
"Papa!" the boy exclaims. "Instead of buying a bus ticket, I ran home behind the bus and saved a dollar!"
The father immediately slaps the child. "Spendthrift!" he screams. "You could have run home behind a taxi and saved twenty!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A scrawny teenage boy asks his muscular friend how he gets so many girls to sleep with him.
The muscular friend says, "Here's what you do: next time there's a party, get a large potato and stick it down your pants and act normal. You'll see - that'll turn you into a chick magnet."
A minute later, all the girls at the party run away from the scrawny kid, screaming and laughing and pointing.
The muscular friend sees this and comes over to his scrawny friend. "Dude," he says. "You have to put the potato in the front."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camo jacket
You can hide but you can't run
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket...
You can hide, but you can't run.
My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size
... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.
I'm a 21-year-old multimillionaire. Here's how I did it.
1. I get up at 5:00 AM every day
2. I run for an hour before breakfast
3. Afterward, I take a cold shower to wake me up.
4. Journaling is key. You never know when you might need to remember something.
5. Always write down an appointment as soon as you get it.
6. My dad owns a Fortune 500 company.
7. I meditate every day
When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...
Europa creek with no paddle.
I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.........?
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"
My mum suffers with short term memory loss
Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too
What's NNN?
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The surgeon general warns, "do not run while smoking m**...".
It's hard on your joints.
A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."
A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."
She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"
He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"
Nowadays, you don't run into many guys named Lance.
But in the Middle Ages, people used to be named Lancelot.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife always takes a run right after we have s**...
Some people... You give them an inch and they take a mile
Old Soviet joke.
Reagan and Gorbachev run a marathon.
Reagan won.
Next day US newspapers: Reagan won. Gorgachev lost .
Soviet newspapers: Gorbachev finished second. Reagan finished next to last .
Three Engineers are having an argument...
The first says: "God must be a mechanical engineer -- just look at the joints in the human body."
The second says: "God is an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system."
The third says: "God has to be a civil engineer -- who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
These b**... "Among Us" jokes have really run their course!
Sorry, I just had to vent.
I'm definitely the loser if I run over a deer. It's going to cost me hundreds of dollars.
But nature is only out a buck.
Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster?
A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do bald men cut holes in their pockets?
So they can run their hands through their hair.
Wheel Chair bound congressman Madison Cawthorn lost his primary tonight.
Now it's not just his doctors telling him that he can no longer run.
My daughter painted her toenails black for winter formal tonight...
I told her "I hope you don't run into anyone who's black-toes intolerant."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Slip of the Tongue
Joe has a broken leg. Mike comes over and asks, "How you doing', Joe?"
Joe says, "Do me a favor: Run upstairs and get my slippers."
Mike goes upstairs and sees Joe's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters. He says, "your dad sent me up here to have s**... with both of you."
One girl replies, "Get out of here. Prove it?"
Mike shouts down stairs -, "Hey, Joe, both of 'em?"
Joe shouts back, "of course, both of 'em!" What's the point of f**...' one?"
A mathematician came home and told his wife, sorry honey, but I'm leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I'll be home in a few hours and I'd like for you to be gone.
He got back home and found a note that read, hi honey, I've left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you'll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.
Go away bee, don't bother me.
A wise man once told me, if a bee is bothering you, don't swat or run away, just stand still and look right at it, because seeing is believing.
God the Engineer
Three engineers are having lunch and discussing what kind of engineer God is. The mechanical engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer, look at the complex structures of the body!" The electrical engineer says, "No, look at the electrical processes of the body, which the brain could not operate without, he must be an electrical engineer." The civil engineer says, "You're both wrong, he had to be a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste line through a recreational area?"
I am really scared of encountering cougars when I go on a run
If I ever saw one , I'd Puma Pants .
Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.
They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.
Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.
Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"
What's the difference between Politicians and Thieves?
Thief: They steal your money then run
Politician: They run and then steal your money
Never give a donation to someone collecting for a charity marathon.
They'll take the money and run.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sometimes I get the urge to run around n**..... But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking.
Sometimes at work...
...I like to run around with a screwdriver and yell "Attention everybody! This is not a drill!"
Why would Donald Trump run into an active school shooting, even if unarmed?
Because he knows one of his supporters would never shoot him
Why is the number of black priests so small?
Most of them run away after being called father once or twice
Say what you want about Vladimir Putin..
But not many people can run two countries at once
A Paladin takes his car to a mechanic
A Paladin takes his car to a mechanic. "Whenever I'm driving, I get these strange urges to run over pedestrians."
The mechanic has a look under the car. "Your alignment is off."
Why did Trump refuse the debate with Bernie?
Because chickens tend to run from people with a last name of Sanders.
My girlfriend said to me...
"If one day, you want to run away, just let me know..."
Turns out she meant together.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If you run into an a**... in the morning, you ran into an a**....
If you run into a**... all day, you're the a**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the similarity between Nike and the k**...?
They both make black men run faster.
Why don't you run behind a car?
Because you will get exhausted.
Why don't you run on the side of the car?
Because you will get tired,
Why don't you run in front of a car?
Because you will get run over.
I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.
I've never run so far in my life.
I used to run a pro-life debate team.
No one could de-fetus.
Monica Lewinsky has released the following statement on Hillary Clinton's run for the American Presidency:
"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton Presidency left a very bad taste in my mouth."
I was having intimate relations with a married woman.
A car pulled into the garage, and the woman said, "Oh no it's my husband! Quick, use the back door!"
Thinking back, I should have run, but you don't get offers like that every day.
Sometimes i just sit & run my fingers thru my wife's hair.
It's a nice way to tell her i love her.
And also that we're outta napkins.
I'm sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. .
My gondolences
A man takes off his shirt in the gym.
A blonde comes up to him and says, wow what a great chest you have! The man replies, Thats one hundred pounds of dynamite babe. The man then takes off his pants. The blonde says, Wow! What great calf's you have! The man then replies, that's two hundred pounds of dynamite babe. The man then takes of his underwear. The blonde runs off screaming in fear. When the man catches up to her he asks, Why did you run away? The blonde replies, I didn't wanna be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was!
Is it wrong to hate a certain race?
I don't mind running a 5k, but my friends want to run in a 10k and I don't like 10ks
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Donald Trump is really a proved racist and sexist, because...
He beat a woman badly in his run for the presidency and threw a black family out of a white house...
A man and a boy walked into a barbershop together.
After the man got his haircut, he sat the boy in the barber's chair and said, "I'm just going to run around the corner to grab a paper." When the boy's haircut was donw, the man still hadn't returned. The barber said, "It looks like your dad's forgotten about you." "Oh, that wasn't my dad," the boy said, "He just walked up to me on the street, took my hand and said, "Come on, we're going to get a free haircut.""
Why is Stephen Hawking successful?
He can't run away from his responsibilities.
An old married couple are driving down the road.
They run over a mama skunk and the wife insists that they go back and pick up the baby skunk.
She says to her husband, "The poor thing is freezing."
"Put him between your legs and warm him up." is the husband's reply.
"But what about the smell?" she asks.
The husband says, "Just hold his little nose and he should be fine."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the bald man have his hand down his pants?
So he could run his fingers through his hair!
My Girlfriend is always covered in bruises because she doesn't listen..
I'm always like "You're about to run into that lamp!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Scientists found out that c**... hear through their legs.
A scientist yelled at a crab and it ran away. Then he cut of its legs and yelled at it again. And suddenly the crab didn't run away anymore.
When is the best time for Muslims to run a race?
Ramadan. They fast during Ramadan.
A crab, a tuna, a lobster, and a Chinese man being run over by a steam roller. What doesn't belong?
The Tuna, since all of the others are crushedasians.
My doctor he dont help either, he told me to run 5 Miles a Day for two weeks
I called him up I said "Doc im 70 miles from my house"
-Rodney Dangerfield
I showed up to run a marathon, but realized that I had forgotten my water bottle. I decided to run anyway...
... I finished in 3^st
