Run Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Run puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Run

A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."

A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."

"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.

Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

If you run in front of a car you'll get tired...

But if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, Wow! That could have been me!

Then I remembered I can't drive a bus.

We used to have empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by kings..

Now we have countries..

What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?

One's a crustacean, the other's a crushed Asian.


I wish my college was run by EA

At least I'd get a sense of pride and accomplishment for my money

A guy was screaming at the TV Run idiot, run!

His wife walked in and asked Are you watching a horror movie? . He said No. It's our wedding tape

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket...

You can hide, but you can't run.

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size

... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle.

I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.........?

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"


I painted my computer black so it would run faster.

Now it doesn't work.

Then I painted my computer white so it would work.

Now the whole system is corrupt.

How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday?

It's already run out of battery.

My mum suffers with short term memory loss

Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too

Jesus may have walked on water...

But Stephen Hawking can run on batteries

The surgeon general warns, "do not run while smoking marijuana".

It's hard on your joints.

A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."

A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."

She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"

He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"

Is it okay to hate a certain race?

I usually run the 5K, but someone from my running group wants to do the 10K, which I don't want because a lot of caucasians participate in that one.

What do you call it when two giraffes run into each other?

A giraffic jam


My wife always takes a run right after we have sex

Some people... You give them an inch and they take a mile

Painted my computer black hoping it would run faster...

Now it just doesn't work.

Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl

When she noticed me, we went for a run

What do you call a pizza joint run by epileptic midgets?

Little Seizure's

Old Soviet joke.

Reagan and Gorbachev run a marathon.

Reagan won.

Next day US newspapers: Reagan won. Gorgachev lost .

Soviet newspapers: Gorbachev finished second. Reagan finished next to last .

You can't run through a camp ground.

You can only ran, because it's past tents.

Three Engineers are having an argument...

The first says: "God must be a mechanical engineer -- just look at the joints in the human body."

The second says: "God is an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system."

The third says: "God has to be a civil engineer -- who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?"

I before E

Except when you run a weird heist on a feisty foreign overweight neighbor wearing beige.

I'm starting to think this country really is run by Jews

But it's still only my first week in Israel.

I'm definitely the loser if I run over a deer. It's going to cost me hundreds of dollars.

But nature is only out a buck.

Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster?

A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.

Why do bald men cut holes in their pockets?

So they can run their hands through their hair.

Give a man a gun, he'll rob a bank

Teach a man to run a bank, he'll rob the American people.

What's the difference between a little kid and a lesbian?

A little kid shouldn't run with scissors, a lesbian shouldn't scissor with the runs.

Slip of the Tongue

Joe has a broken leg. Mike comes over and asks, "How you doing', Joe?"

Joe says, "Do me a favor: Run upstairs and get my slippers."

Mike goes upstairs and sees Joe's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters. He says, "your dad sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

One girl replies, "Get out of here. Prove it?"

Mike shouts down stairs -, "Hey, Joe, both of 'em?"

Joe shouts back, "of course, both of 'em!" What's the point of fuckin' one?"

A mathematician came home and told his wife, sorry honey, but I'm leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I'll be home in a few hours and I'd like for you to be gone.

He got back home and found a note that read, hi honey, I've left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you'll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.

Go away bee, don't bother me.

A wise man once told me, if a bee is bothering you, don't swat or run away, just stand still and look right at it, because seeing is believing.

You know Apple is run by men...

when they call it an iPhone 6+ and it's only 5.5 inches.

How many Mexicans does it take to run a computer?

Dos

The other day i saw two blind guys fighting

I yelled: I BET ON THE ONE WITH THE KNIFE!

They run away from each other

What's the difference between Politicians and Thieves?

Thief: They steal your money then run

Politician: They run and then steal your money

Never give a donation to someone collecting for a charity marathon.

They'll take the money and run.

I was walking past the graveyard late at night

and a couple of girls said to me "Is it all right if we walk with you? Walking through here at this time of night really freaks us out!"

I said, "Sure, I'm fine with that. It used to freak me out too, back when I was alive."

And you never saw anyone run so fast.

What's the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver?

A drunk driver will run the stop sign. A stoned driver will stop and wait for the sign to turn green.

So Tim Tebow just hit a home run in his first professional at bat

But he had no idea what to do once he got to third base.

Me, to the cop: You can't arrest me. I have a marathon to run today!

Cop: Stop playing the race card!

Sometimes I get the urge to run around naked.. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking.

Sometimes at work...

...I like to run around with a screwdriver and yell "Attention everybody! This is not a drill!"

Why would Donald Trump run into an active school shooting, even if unarmed?

Because he knows one of his supporters would never shoot him

Why is the number of black priests so small?

Most of them run away after being called father once or twice

Say what you want about Vladimir Putin..

But not many people can run two countries at once

North Korea is participating in the olympics this year, but they won't win.

Because all of their athletes that can run jump or swim are in south korea

Why did Trump refuse the debate with Bernie?

Because chickens tend to run from people with a last name of Sanders.

A Paladin takes his car to a mechanic

A Paladin takes his car to a mechanic. "Whenever I'm driving, I get these strange urges to run over pedestrians."

The mechanic has a look under the car. "Your alignment is off."

My girlfriend said to me...

"If one day, you want to run away, just let me know..."

Turns out she meant together.

What's the similarity between Nike and the KKK?

They both make black men run faster.

Three engineers were discussing who could have been the architect of the human body.

The first said, "It definitely was a Mechanical Engineer, look at all the joints."

The second said, "Nah dude, it was an Electrical Engineer, look at all the electrical connections from the brain."

The third said, "Nope, only a Civil Engineer will run piping carrying sanitation waste right next to a recreational area."

Say what you want about Putin but he's the world hardest working president,

He has to run two countries instead of one.

I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.

I've never run so far in my life.

I used to run a pro-life debate team.

No one could de-fetus.

Monica Lewinsky has released the following statement on Hillary Clinton's run for the American Presidency:

"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton Presidency left a very bad taste in my mouth."

I was having intimate relations with a married woman.

A car pulled into the garage, and the woman said, "Oh no it's my husband! Quick, use the back door!"

Thinking back, I should have run, but you don't get offers like that every day.

So many Christians run non-profit organizations. On the other hand, atheists...

...only run non-prophet organizations.

Sometimes i just sit & run my fingers thru my wife's hair.

It's a nice way to tell her i love her.

And also that we're outta napkins.

Is it wrong to hate a certain race?

I don't mind running a 5k, but my friends want to run in a 10k and I don't like 10ks

Yo mama's so fat

Her nose can't even run




Came up with this myself and was quite proud

Why is Stephen Hawking successful?

He can't run away from his responsibilities.

A man and a boy walked into a barbershop together.

After the man got his haircut, he sat the boy in the barber's chair and said, "I'm just going to run around the corner to grab a paper." When the boy's haircut was donw, the man still hadn't returned. The barber said, "It looks like your dad's forgotten about you." "Oh, that wasn't my dad," the boy said, "He just walked up to me on the street, took my hand and said, "Come on, we're going to get a free haircut.""

My Girlfriend is always covered in bruises because she doesn't listen..

I'm always like "You're about to run into that lamp!"

Donald Trump is really a proved racist and sexist, because...

He beat a woman badly in his run for the presidency and threw a black family out of a white house...

Why did the bald man have his hand down his pants?

So he could run his fingers through his hair!

An old married couple are driving down the road.

They run over a mama skunk and the wife insists that they go back and pick up the baby skunk.

She says to her husband, "The poor thing is freezing."

"Put him between your legs and warm him up." is the husband's reply.

"But what about the smell?" she asks.

The husband says, "Just hold his little nose and he should be fine."

Scientists found out that crabs hear through their legs.

A scientist yelled at a crab and it ran away. Then he cut of its legs and yelled at it again. And suddenly the crab didn't run away anymore.

When is the best time for Muslims to run a race?

Ramadan. They fast during Ramadan.

To the handicapped guy who stole my bag

You can hide but you can't run

A crab, a tuna, a lobster, and a Chinese man being run over by a steam roller. What doesn't belong?

The Tuna, since all of the others are crushedasians.

I went for a run , but came home back after 2 minutes because I forgot something

I forgot that I was fat and couldn't run for more than 2 minutes.

I showed up to run a marathon, but realized that I had forgotten my water bottle. I decided to run anyway...

... I finished in 3^st

What do you call it when ISIS soldiers run for cover?

100 meter Daesh

What do a G-string and a barbed wire fence have in common?

They both run along the property line without distracting from the view.

A joke told by an old man.

I was speaking to an old man at the grocery store yesterday when he told me something interesting about the olden days of america.

Old man: Son, back in the day my mother could give me a dollar and I could run to the store and get myself a candy bar and a soda pop, and still have money left over to buy the milk my mom asked me to get.

Me: Sucks you can not do that today!

Oldman: Yeah, I know son! Now a days, there is just way to much security . . .

When I heard the news that 12 Thai schoolboys had been rescued from underground...

I had to run home and make sure my basement was still padlocked.

They say that every time you have sex it's the same amount of exercise as running 5 miles

But I think that's bullshit because I've never run 5 miles in 30 seconds.

How to anger Lord of the Rings fans?

When you're watching The Two Towers and the ents are marching, shout "RUN, FOREST! RUN!"

Alcoholics don't run in my family...

They stumble around breaking things

I hope Joe Biden will run for president in 2020

Because when he announces it he's able to say that he's been Biden his time.....

I'm sorry

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes