Run Jokes

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 men of course!

Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran inside the restaurant so l followed him.

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

So in essence, Jesus is...>!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<

A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."

A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."

"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.

Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

If you run in front of a car you'll get tired...

But if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, Wow! That could have been me!

Then I remembered I can't drive a bus.

Doctor: sorry sir but your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

We used to have empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by kings..

Now we have countries..

What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?

One's a crustacean, the other's a crushed Asian.

I'm starting to think Jews really do run this country

but don't want to jump to conclusions, this my first time visiting Israel

During a biology exam a student has to list three pros of breast milk.

He's unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:

- Contains all the nutrients a baby needs,

- Doesn't need heating,

But he still needs one more. And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:

- Has great packaging.

I told the cop, You can't write me a ticket. I have a marathon to run tomorrow.

The cop said, Sir, that's not how you play the race card.

A boy excitedly reports to his miserly father...

"Papa!" the boy exclaims. "Instead of buying a bus ticket, I ran home behind the bus and saved a dollar!"

The father immediately slaps the child. "Spendthrift!" he screams. "You could have run home behind a taxi and saved twenty!"

A scrawny teenage boy asks his muscular friend how he gets so many girls to sleep with him.

The muscular friend says, "Here's what you do: next time there's a party, get a large potato and stick it down your pants and act normal. You'll see - that'll turn you into a chick magnet."

A minute later, all the girls at the party run away from the scrawny kid, screaming and laughing and pointing.

The muscular friend sees this and comes over to his scrawny friend. "Dude," he says. "You have to put the potato in the front."

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camo jacket

You can hide but you can't run

I wish my college was run by EA

At least I'd get a sense of pride and accomplishment for my money

A guy was screaming at the TV Run idiot, run!

His wife walked in and asked Are you watching a horror movie? . He said No. It's our wedding tape

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket...

You can hide, but you can't run.

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size

... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

I'm a 21-year-old multimillionaire. Here's how I did it.

1. I get up at 5:00 AM every day
2. I run for an hour before breakfast
3. Afterward, I take a cold shower to wake me up.
4. Journaling is key. You never know when you might need to remember something.
5. Always write down an appointment as soon as you get it.
6. My dad owns a Fortune 500 company.
7. I meditate every day

When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle.

I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.........?

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"

I painted my computer black so it would run faster.

Now it doesn't work.

Then I painted my computer white so it would work.

Now the whole system is corrupt.

How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday?

It's already run out of battery.

My mum suffers with short term memory loss

Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too

Jesus may have walked on water...

But Stephen Hawking can run on batteries

What's NNN?

Never gonna give you up

Never gonna let you down

Never gonna run around and desert you

The surgeon general warns, "do not run while smoking marijuana".

It's hard on your joints.

A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."

A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."

She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"

He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"

Is it okay to hate a certain race?

I usually run the 5K, but someone from my running group wants to do the 10K, which I don't want because a lot of caucasians participate in that one.

What do you call it when two giraffes run into each other?

A giraffic jam

Nowadays, you don't run into many guys named Lance.

But in the Middle Ages, people used to be named Lancelot.

My wife always takes a run right after we have sex

Some people... You give them an inch and they take a mile

Painted my computer black hoping it would run faster...

Now it just doesn't work.

Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl

When she noticed me, we went for a run

What do you call a pizza joint run by epileptic midgets?

Little Seizure's

Old Soviet joke.

Reagan and Gorbachev run a marathon.

Reagan won.

Next day US newspapers: Reagan won. Gorgachev lost .

Soviet newspapers: Gorbachev finished second. Reagan finished next to last .

You can't run through a camp ground.

You can only ran, because it's past tents.

Three Engineers are having an argument...

The first says: "God must be a mechanical engineer -- just look at the joints in the human body."

The second says: "God is an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system."

The third says: "God has to be a civil engineer -- who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?"

I before E

Except when you run a weird heist on a feisty foreign overweight neighbor wearing beige.

These bloody "Among Us" jokes have really run their course!

Sorry, I just had to vent.

I'm starting to think this country really is run by Jews

But it's still only my first week in Israel.

I'm definitely the loser if I run over a deer. It's going to cost me hundreds of dollars.

But nature is only out a buck.

Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster?

A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.

Why do bald men cut holes in their pockets?

So they can run their hands through their hair.

Give a man a gun, he'll rob a bank

Teach a man to run a bank, he'll rob the American people.

What's the difference between a little kid and a lesbian?

A little kid shouldn't run with scissors, a lesbian shouldn't scissor with the runs.

Wheel Chair bound congressman Madison Cawthorn lost his primary tonight.

Now it's not just his doctors telling him that he can no longer run.

My daughter painted her toenails black for winter formal tonight...

I told her "I hope you don't run into anyone who's black-toes intolerant."

A mathematician came home and told his wife, sorry honey, but I'm leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I'll be home in a few hours and I'd like for you to be gone.

He got back home and found a note that read, hi honey, I've left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you'll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.

Officer, you can't give me a ticket. I have to go run the marathon tomorrow.

Cop: That's not how you play the race card.

Go away bee, don't bother me.

A wise man once told me, if a bee is bothering you, don't swat or run away, just stand still and look right at it, because seeing is believing.

You know Apple is run by men...

when they call it an iPhone 6+ and it's only 5.5 inches.

How many Mexicans does it take to run a computer?

Dos

I am really scared of encountering cougars when I go on a run

If I ever saw one , I'd Puma Pants .

The other day i saw two blind guys fighting

I yelled: I BET ON THE ONE WITH THE KNIFE!

They run away from each other

Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.

They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.

Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.

Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"

What's the difference between Politicians and Thieves?

Thief: They steal your money then run

Politician: They run and then steal your money

Never give a donation to someone collecting for a charity marathon.

They'll take the money and run.

What's the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver?

A drunk driver will run the stop sign. A stoned driver will stop and wait for the sign to turn green.

I was walking past the graveyard late at night

and a couple of girls said to me "Is it all right if we walk with you? Walking through here at this time of night really freaks us out!"

I said, "Sure, I'm fine with that. It used to freak me out too, back when I was alive."

And you never saw anyone run so fast.

So Tim Tebow just hit a home run in his first professional at bat

But he had no idea what to do once he got to third base.

Me, to the cop: You can't arrest me. I have a marathon to run today!

Cop: Stop playing the race card!

Sometimes I get the urge to run around naked.. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking.

Sometimes at work...

...I like to run around with a screwdriver and yell "Attention everybody! This is not a drill!"

Why would Donald Trump run into an active school shooting, even if unarmed?

Because he knows one of his supporters would never shoot him

Why is the number of black priests so small?

Most of them run away after being called father once or twice

Say what you want about Vladimir Putin..

But not many people can run two countries at once

I used to run a dating service for chickens...

But i was struggling to make hens meet.

North Korea is participating in the olympics this year, but they won't win.

Because all of their athletes that can run jump or swim are in south korea

My Doctor says I've run out of Magnesium

0Mg!

An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading the Tehran Times

A friend sees him and says, "Oy, Moishe! How can you read that rag? Don't you know the things they say about us?"

To which the man replies, "Well, I used to read to read the Jewish papers, but they're so depressing. Every headline is 'Jews Being Persecuted!' 'Jews Living in Poverty!' 'Jews Being Oppressed!'. But now I read these Arab papers and the headlines are all 'Jews Own All the Banks!' 'Jews Control the Media!' 'Jews Run the World!'. It's much more uplifting!"

A Paladin takes his car to a mechanic

A Paladin takes his car to a mechanic. "Whenever I'm driving, I get these strange urges to run over pedestrians."

The mechanic has a look under the car. "Your alignment is off."

Why did Trump refuse the debate with Bernie?

Because chickens tend to run from people with a last name of Sanders.

My girlfriend said to me...

"If one day, you want to run away, just let me know..."

Turns out she meant together.

If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole.

If you run into assholes all day, you're the asshole.

What's the similarity between Nike and the KKK?

They both make black men run faster.

Three engineers were discussing who could have been the architect of the human body.

The first said, "It definitely was a Mechanical Engineer, look at all the joints."

The second said, "Nah dude, it was an Electrical Engineer, look at all the electrical connections from the brain."

The third said, "Nope, only a Civil Engineer will run piping carrying sanitation waste right next to a recreational area."

Say what you want about Putin but he's the world hardest working president,

He has to run two countries instead of one.

Why don't you run behind a car?

Because you will get exhausted.

Why don't you run on the side of the car?

Because you will get tired,

Why don't you run in front of a car?

Because you will get run over.

I was digging in the garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run inside and tell my wife.

But then I remembered why I was digging a hole in the garden.

I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.

I've never run so far in my life.

I used to run a pro-life debate team.

No one could de-fetus.

Monica Lewinsky has released the following statement on Hillary Clinton's run for the American Presidency:

"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton Presidency left a very bad taste in my mouth."

I was having intimate relations with a married woman.

A car pulled into the garage, and the woman said, "Oh no it's my husband! Quick, use the back door!"

Thinking back, I should have run, but you don't get offers like that every day.

In high school, I was dared to play gay chicken , which is where two straight guys pretend to be gay and the first one to chicken out loses...

The other guy and I are really stubborn, and neither of us wanted to lose. We've been married 14 years and run a bed and breakfast in Vermont with our adopted daughter. If that dude doesn't chicken out soon, I'm going to start to suspect he is actually gay.

So many Christians run non-profit organizations. On the other hand, atheists...

...only run non-prophet organizations.

Sometimes i just sit & run my fingers thru my wife's hair.

It's a nice way to tell her i love her.

And also that we're outta napkins.