rum Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious rum puns

A cat walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
The cat says, "A shot of rum."
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.


I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...

I bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.

To avoid that, I drank all of the rum before I left the store.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home


So I asked the bartender for a rum and coke. He said, "Is Pepsi okay?"

"Sure, whatever," I said.

So he handed me a glass of pepsi and coke.


Roses are red, Rum is good...

Too much rum..Now no wood :(


So a Harley Davidson rolls into a bar and the bartender asks what it'd like.



My Grandma E-Mailed me this one

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you. Warn all your friends.


A man walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke

Bartender: "Hold on" as he puts an apple on the bar

Man: "What's this?"

Bartender: "Try it"

Man: "It tastes like rum!"

Bartender: "Turn it around."

Man: "This side tastes like coke!"

Another man walks into the bar and asks for a gin a tonic, and the bartender places another apple onto the bar

Man2: "What's this?"

Man1: "Try it, just trust me."

Man2: As he takes a bite "This tastes like gin!"

Man1: "Now turn it around."

Man2: "This side tastes like tonic!"

A third man walks into the bar and the bartender asks him what he would like.

Man3: "I don't know, what do you got?"

Bartender: "Well we have apples that taste like all sorts of things."

Man3: "You got one that tastes like pussy?"

The bartender places an apple on the bar

Man3: As he bites into the apple "Ew! This tastes like shit!"

Bartender, Man1, Man2: "Turn it around!"


A man walks into a bar and orders a rum and Coke...

The bartender says to the man "sorry, but is Pepsi okay?"

The man, having had a long day at work and needing a drink decided not to be picky

"Sure, why not" he said, then paid for his drink

The bartender fixed up the drink and handed it over

"Here you go," he said, "Pepsi and Coke"


Magic Apples

So, a guy walks in to a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "I'll have a Rum and Coke."
The bartender puts an apple on the bar, and the man says, "No, I said a Rum and Coke, not an apple."
The bartender says, "Just try it." So the guy does, and says, "Woah! This tastes exactly like Coke!"
Bartender says, "Turn it around." The man does, takes another bite and says, "Woah! It tastes like rum!"

A second guy walks in and says, "I'll have a tonic and gin."
Bartender puts another apple on the bar.
The guy says, "I want a tonic and gin, not an apple."
The first man says, "No, just try it, I promise it'll taste exactly like a tonic and gin."
So, the guy takes a bite and says, "Woah, that tastes exactly like gin!"
Bartender says, "Turn it around."
The guy takes another bite and says, "Woah! Tastes exactly like tonic, this is awesome!"

So then a third man walks in. Bartender says, "What'll you have?"
He says, "Give me a minute, I haven't quite decided yet."
The first guy goes, "Whatever you get, this bartender will give you an apple that tastes exactly like your drink."
The second one says, "Yeah, he's got an apple for every flavor."
The third guy thinks and says, "Hmm... Well, do you have an apple that tastes like pussy?"
Bartender picks up an apple and puts it on the bar. The third guy takes a bite, immediately spits it out and goes, "Ah, what the hell?! That tastes like shit!"
Bartender says, "Turn it around..."


Three guys walk into a bar, an air force pilot, a marine, and a police officer...

The pilot says "I'll have a pint of your finest lager." The bartender serves him some beer. The marine says, "Line up three shots of rum." The bartender obliges. Finally the cop says "Give me a glass of cabernet." The bartender gives the cop his wine. The three men pay, have their drinks and leave.

The bartender looks bemused as though he expected something different. He sets out some tumblers, and starts pouring gingerale into each one. He follows with some orange juice. The old wino at the end of the bar asks him what's up. He says "After all this, I felt we needed a punch line."


A blonde, brunette and red head are discussing their teenage daughters...

The brunette says, " I was going through my daughter's room the other day and I found cigarettes! I can't believe she's smoking." To which the red head replies, "Well I was going through my daughter's room and found a bottle of rum! I can't believe she's drinking." The blonde chimes in, "That's nothing. I was going through my daughter's room and found condoms. I can't believe she has a penis!"


Pirate Joke to make you groan....

A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.

The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"

"Arrrrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"


Paper Towel Pirate

A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.

The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"

"Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"


A man walks into a bar... (the apple drinks one)

And he orders a Rum & Coke (Cuba Libre), and the bartender hands him an apple. Confused, he restated he wanted a cocktail, but the bartender insisted. He bites into the apple and yells 'holy shit! this tastes like rum!' 'turn the apple', said the bartender. 'Wow, this side tastes like Coke!'

Another man walks into the bar and orders a Gin & Tonic. The bartenders hands him an apple and he gets confused too. 'Trust the guy, bite it'. 'Whoa! this tastes like Gin!' 'Turn it around' said the bartender. 'Amazing. This tastes like tonic!

Another guy walks into the bar. The two guys tell him about the flavored apples and how this guy can make apples to taste whatever you want them to.

'If that's the case, I want a pussy-flavored one'

'You got it' said the bartender and gave him an apple.

He bites the apple, and then spits it and pukes.

'What the hell man! this tastes like shit!'

'turn it around...'


The Princess Bride is bull

When Wesley spends five years building up an immunity to iocane powder, it's romantic and we should idolize him.

But when I do it with rum, I'm an "alcoholic who needs to pay his goddamn child support."



One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowingin despair, he has his first meeting with The Devil.
The Devil: Why so sad?
Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.
The Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here... Do you drink?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
The Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, brandy, rum, tequila, beer...we drink until we throw up and then we drink some more! It doesn't matter because you're already dead!
Guy: That sounds great.
The Devil: Do you smoke?
Guy: Yes.
The Devil: You're going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer - who cares! You're already dead!
Guy: Wow!
The Devil: Do you gamble?.
Guy: I do.
The Devil: Wednesdays you can gamble all youwant...blackjack, roulette, poker, whatever... If you lose yourshirt...who cares!
Guy: Amazing!
The Devil: You into drugs?
Guy: You don't mean...
The Devil: Yes, Thursdays are drug days. Help yourself toa great all the drugs that your want! Who cares... you're dead!
Guy: I never realized Hell was such a swinging place!!!
The Devil: Are you gay?
Guy: No.
The Devil: Ooooh - you're gonna hate Fridays..


I had 10 bottles of Rum....

...the good sort. But my wife forced me to throw away them all.

I took the first bottle, drank a glass and threw the rest on the sink.

Took the second bottle,drank a glass and threw the rest on the sink.

Took the third bottle, drank the rest and threw the glass on the sink.

Took the fourth bottle, drank in the sink and threw the rest on the glass.

Took the fifth glass, threw the cork on the sink and drank the bottle.

Took the sixth sink, drank the bottle and thew the glass on the rest.

The seventh bottle i took the rest and drank in the sink.

Took the glass, drank the rest and threw the sink on the eighth bottle.

Threw the ninth sink on the glass, took the bottle and drank the rest.

On the tenth glass, i took on the bottle on the rest and threw myself on the sink.


Man: I'll take a rum and coke

Bartender: Is pepsi ok?
Man: Yeah, that'll do.
Bartender: *hands him coke and pepsi*


The bar apple

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a rum and coke.
The bartender grabs and apple and shines it on his shirt and gives it to the guy.

Puzzled the guy asks,
"What's this about?"

The bartender tells him,
"Take a bite".

"Oh this is the best rum I've ever had"

"try the other side" says the tender.

"Oh this is the best coke I've ever had!"

Another man comes in and sees the guy eating the apple, confused he asks him why.

The guy says
"what ever type of drink you want he'll give you an apple, and it will taste like that drink."

The other man goes up to the tender and asks
"do you have a drink that tastes like pussy?"

Bartender says
"Yuuup" and proceeds to give him an apple.

The man takes a bite and spits it out yelling

Bartender told him
"Take a bite of the other side"


Magic Apples

A man walks into a bar, and upon sitting down is promptly told, "This bar is incredible! The bartender serves apples of any flavor, any one that you can think of!"
"That's incredible, you can't expect me to believe that."
The bartender looks up and says, "It's true, mate. Any flavor."
"Okay, do you have coke and rum?" The bartender serves him an apple.
"No way.. this tastes like coke!"
"Turn it around" Says the bartender.
"It tastes like rum!" Exclaimed the man.
A second man takes a seat next to the two, hearing the commotion.
"Hey, mate, you have to try this! The bartender can serve you any flavor apple that you can think of!" Says the first man.
"You can't expect me to believe that!" He replies.
"Any flavor." the bartender says.
"Okay, get me a gin and tonic."
He is handed an apple, and upon taking a bite his face lights up. "It tastes like gin!"
"Turn it around" Says the bartender.
"It tastes like tonic! I don't believe it!" he exclaims.
A third man walks over, hearing the commotion. "What's the fuss about?" he asks. All three men who are already seated pipe up about the apples.
"Any flavor, eh? Well... I doubt it. Get me one that tastes like pussy!"
The bartender, as in the previous cases, hands the man an apple.
The man revolts, and nearly throws up. "This tastes like shit!" He shouts.

The bartender replies "Turn it around."


A sad and depressed cat walks to a bar

Bartender:what will ya have?

Cat:shot of rum.
(Bartender pours it)

(Cat slowly pushes it off the bar).


A Preacher, A fiery Sermon and a Hymn

A preacher was winding up a sermon with a tremendous fervour "If I had all the beer in the world, I would take that beer and throw it into the river!"
And the congregation shouted "Amen!"

"And if I had all the wine in the world" he continued "I would take that wine and throw it into the river!"
Once again the congregation shouted back in unison "Amen!"

"And if I had all the rum and whiskey in the world, I would take all of that and throw it ALL into the river"
The congregation cried back "Hallelujah!"

The preacher finished with his sermon, sat back down. The song leader stood up and announced "For our closing song, let us sing hymn number 365, 'Shall We Gather at the River?"


I like my women like my rum

Aged 13 years and swimming in coke

Disclaimer: This is a joke! I do NOT condone mixing rum and coke!


The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with a "little" stowed away rum.

Unfortunately he got drunk and was still drunk the next morning. The captain saw him drunk and when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship's log: "The first mate was drunk today."

"Captain please don't let that stay in the log," the mate said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself."

"Is it true?" asked the captain, already knowing the answer.

"Yes, its true," the mate said. "Then if it is true it has to go in the log. That's the rule. If its true it goes into the log, end of discussion," said the captain sternly. Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entries.

The first mate wrote: "The ship seems in good shape. The captain was sober today."


A pirate walks into a bar...

...with a steering wheel mounted on his crotch.

He says to the bartender "Yar, I'll get me a rum."

The bartender says "Okay buddy. But first you gotta tell me... what's with the steering wheel on your crotch?"

The pirate says "I don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts!"


A man wants to be an Eskimo...

He meets with the chief and asks him what it would take to become an Eskimo. The chief, wary of letting a white man into his clan, devises a series of impossible challenges. He says, "If you truly want to become part of our Eskimo family, you must do three things:
1) You must drink one gallon of 151 rum, and if you can handle it and maintain all of your faculties, we will know your body and spirit are in harmony.
2) You must climb up the tall mountain and kill the polar bear that resides in the cave at the summit.
3) To show your true love for our race, you must make love to an Eskimo woman of my choosing."

The man thinks for a while, and agrees to complete the challenges. He first drinks the gallon of 151 and it was like nothing ever happened to him. He can talk, walk, and think logically. Next, he ascends the mountain and is not seen for a few hours after entering the cave. The chief breathes a sigh of relief, because he is sure the polar bear killed him, but gets the shock of his life when he sees the man descending the mountain. He is in tatters. His clothes are ripped, he is breathing heavily and sweating profusely, and his hair is pointing in every direction.
He approaches the chief, ready for the third challenge and asks, "Alright, now who is this woman you want me to kill?"



DuringΒ  Sermon at a Sunday service , the PastorΒ  said: "If I had all the Beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river".

And the congregationΒ  cried, "Amen! "
"And if I had all the Wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river".
And the congregation cried: "Amen!"

"And if I had all the Whiskey and Rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river".

Again the congregation cried:Β  "Amen!"...

The PastorΒ  sat down.

The JuniorΒ  Pastor then stood up and said: "For our closing Hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our Hymn books and sing,Β  "We shall drink from the river".

The whole Congregation SCREAMED *HALLELUJAH!*


[NSFW] A man enters a bar...

And he asks the bartender for a Rum and Coke. The bartender hands him an apple. Confused, the man asks, "I thought I asked for a Rum and Coke?!" Bartender replies, "just try it". The man then says, "wow, this tastes like rum!". Bartender replies, "turn it around". So he does, "wow, this side tastes like coke!".

Another man comes in and asks for a Gin and Tonic. Same happens, he gets an apple. "I thought I asked for a Gin and Tonic". Bartender replies, "eat the apple". "Wow, tastes like Gin!" the man replies. "Turn it around". So the man does, "this side tastes like Tonic! Awesome!"

Finally, a third man enters the bar, and the two guys tell the third man about the apples that taste like whatever he wants. So the man says "Do you have one that tastes like pussy?". Sure enough, bartender supplies. The man replies, "Aww, this tastes like shit!!"

"Turn it around", replies the bartender.


A door to door salesman...

just about to end his day comes to one final house. He knocks on the door and much to his surprise a young boy wearing a bra, panties, and high heels & drinking out of a bottle of rum answers. Once the initial shock wears off he asks the boy "Is your mommy or daddy at home?"

The boy stares at him for a second, then says "what the fuck do you think?!"


A man has a son who was born as just a head

A man has a son who is literally just a head - no arms, legs, torso - just a head. On his son's 21st birthday, he takes him to a bar for his first drink.

"Bartender, can I have a rum and Coke for my son, please?"

The man gives his son a drink and he sprouts a torso.

"My God," the man said. "Bartender, quick, another drink!"

The man gives his son the second drink and he sprouts arms.

"Holy hell! Bartender, another please!"

The man gives his son the third drink and he sprouts legs. Then, the son runs out of the bar and gets hit by a car.

"You should have quit while he was a head"


Guy walks into a bar

So this casual guy walks into a bar after a long day at work. Walks up, takes a seat and tells the waiter he would like a Gin and Tonic. Waiter goes around and comes back with an apple. " I asked for a Gin and Tonic"... "Trust me take a bite. So the guy takes a bite. "What is this!? This taste like gin"! "Waiter tells the guy to turn it around and take a bite. Guy does so. "Oh my god, that taste like tonic"!

A few minutes later another guy walks in and asks for a Rum and Coke. Same thing happens, the guy is mind blown.

So those guys talk for a while and a few minutes later another guy walks in and sit next too the two first guys. The guys tell him, "man you got to try this out, this waiter can make an apple taste like anything".

The guy goes, "oh yeah, give me an apple that taste like pussy"

Waiter turns around does his thing and hands over an apple. "The guy takes a bite, "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!?, THIS TASTE LIKE FUCKING SHIT!"

"Turn it around" says the waiter.


Big Pause

A bear walks into a tavern and sits at the bar.

The bartender says, "What can I get'cha there, Bruno?"

The bear says, "I'll have a rum and..."

He's silent for 30 seconds, then adds, "Coke."

The bartender says "OK. But what's with the big pause?"

The bear lifts his front feet to his face, looks at them, and says "I've had them all my life. Ya got a problem with that, buddy?'


A man walks into a bar

and he sees a huge amount of people milling about, waiting for the bartender to ladle out cups of red liquid from a bowl.

When the man finally gets to the counter, he asks for a double whiskey.

"Ain't got no whiskey," says the bartender. The man asks for vodka, to the same result. Same goes for gin, tequila, and rum.

Frustrated, the man throws up his hands. "Look, I walked into a bar; isn't this where you come to get alcohol?"

The bartender shakes his head and says "oh, sorry no - this is just the punch line."


[NSFW] [Long] His first blowjob

A guy walks into a bar and orders a bottle of "the strong stuff". Bartender grabs a bottle of rum off the top shelf and says, "This is some rather expensive stuff. What's the occasion?" Man replies with three words, "My first blowjob."

The bartender exclaims with excitement, "Oh, congratulations! Here, let me throw in a mixed cocktail on the house!" The man declines, saying, "No thanks, if this bottle doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."


I asked the bartender for something cold and filled with rum...

So he recommended his wife...


What are the most funny Rum jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Rum? Well, here are the best Rum dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Rum pick up lines to share with friends.

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