Rules Jokes
142 rules jokes and hilarious rules puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about rules that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover the best jokes about rules, from Aussie Rules, Golf and Covid Rules to Rules of Marriage. Learn why rules are important and the consequences if you violate the regulations. Have a laugh and follow the rules with these hilarious jokes.
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Funniest Rules Short Jokes
Short rules jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The rules humour may include short laws jokes also.
- I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home. My lighthouse, my rules.
- We used to have empires ruled by emperors, kingdoms ruled by kings and sultanates ruled by sultans. Now we have countries....
- The First Rule of Fight Club... ... Is to not talk about fight club.
The second rule of fight club...
Please keep your seat belt on at all times when the light is on. - fight club I went to my first fight club meeting last night, i showed up late so i missed the first few rules but it was awesome i love fight club cant wait for the next meeting
- Fight Club was awesome! Hey guys so I found this Fight Club last night and had a blast! I showed up a little late so I missed some of the rules but I highly recommend it!
- Wife: If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Husband: That is true - wars require strategy and logic.
- What would be the first thing communists do if they ruled the solar system? Rename uranus to Ouranus
- My father taught me the first rule of theatre "Always leave them wanting more"
A great man. Terrible anaesthetist. - I don't mind following rules at work, but when my boss told me to stop impersonating flamingos... I had to put my foot down.
- There are only two rules you need to follow to become extremely succesful in life. 1. Not revealing everything you know.
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Rules One Liners
Which rules one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with rules? I can suggest the ones about policy and sets.
- 10 unwritten rules of this subreddit: 1:
2:
3:
4:
5:
6:
7:
8:
9:
10: - The three unwritten rules of life 1.
2.
3. - I have two unwritten rules. 1.
2. - We have two unwritten rules here: 1.
2. - One day Canada will rule the world Then you'll all be sorry
- The first rule of passive aggressive club is... You know what, nevermind. It's fine.
- Rule #1 for learning english Their our know rules!
- The three unwritten rules! 1.
2.
3. - First rule of Vegan club: You tell everyone about Vegan club.
- The three unwritten rules of business: 1.
2.
3. - What are the unspoken rules of sign language? All of them
- Don't worry if you've forgotten the first rule of Passive Aggressive Club, it's fine.
- Sometime in the future, Canada will rule the earth. And then you'll all be sorry.
- First rule of English grammar, Double negatives are a no no.
- The first rule of Paradox Club is not the first rule of Paradox Club.
Breaking Rules Jokes
Here is a list of funny breaking rules jokes and even better breaking rules puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I got kicked out of a brothel for breaking the "no pets" rule... I was just trying to get more bang for my buck.
- Breaking News: Supreme court has ruled that basic intelligence tests for Election voting is Discriminatory. The judge said that it is unfair to block all Republicans from voting.
- What do you call a Redditor from Boston on his Cake Day? A kahma fahma
(Does this break rule 8?) - Cloud Joke Did you ever hear about the water in the atmosphere that tried to break the rules of condensation?
It wasn't a cloud. - (I hope this doesn't break sub rules) What do Marcus Smart and Valve have in common? Neither of them can make a three.
- I dont like midget jokes because they break one of the fundamental rules of humor... ...never punch down.
- What is the worst place to have the "you break it, you buy it" rule? The pet store
- It's just so sad .... How often I see zookeepers breaking their own "Don't Feed the Animals" rule.
- Why does Sunscreen break atomic rule? It's only SPF
- What do they call a Catholic that breaks the nofap rule? Louis c**...
Rules Of Marriage Jokes
Here is a list of funny rules of marriage jokes and even better rules of marriage puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Lord of the Rings is symbolic of Marriage One ring rules your life, it slowly destroys you, and sometimes, death seems easier than continuing on.
- They've only just ruled in favour of gay marriage in Australia Now they're already having bi elections
- Did you hear? The supreme court ruled that gay marriage has extended to swans.
- A good rule of thumb is to never hire a magician with a wife with no legs.
- If a man goes cheats for four times, according to the rules of geometry, he will come home.
- An iron rule of a leader – make love to your wife in the morning and you will be the first.
- I have a strict no s**... before marriage rule... ...imposed on me due to my stunning ugliness.
Golf Rules Jokes
Here is a list of funny golf rules jokes and even better golf rules puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- In my state they've allowed golf courses to reopen and they adjusted the social distancing rules when golfing so now... ...you only have to be fore feet apart.
- Golf rules are frustrating Just got new clubs and still can't hit my handicapped brother...
- My local golf club proposed a new rule that people are no longer allowed to play while drunk. Yeah, I guess there was too many people driving under the influence.
Entertaining Rules Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone
What funny jokes about rules you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean rights jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make rules pranks.
My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.
*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and he loved to tell it every time I saw him. He knew quite a few others too, but this was always my favorite.*
A man is out on a golf course, when he hears someone shout "FORE!"
He looks this way and that but doesn't see the ball, until *WHACK!* He shouts and curses and moans, holding both hands over his c**....
"Oh, you poor thing!" a woman cries, running over to assist him. She gets on her knees and starts to rub his groin with her hands. "Is that better?"
He shakes his head, so she pulls his pants down and starts rubbing it in earnest. After a few minutes, she smiles and says, "That seemed to help a lot!"
"Oh, it was wonderful!" he says. "But the ball hit my thumb!"
*
Request for a punchline
I'm not sure if this is the sub for it. Went through the rules but couldn't find anything on the matter.
So here goes.
Why did the skeleton carve the pumpkin?
Money was a little tight, so I entered a pun writing contest...
I read the rules carefully, and it turns out that there was no limit on the amount of times you could enter, so I submitted ten separate entries.
I thought my chances were good, but I just looked at the contest winners to see if any of my entries won, and unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
What noise does a ceiling fan make?
GO CEILING!!! WHOOOHOOO!!!! YOUR NUMBER ONE!! YAY, CEILING RULES!!!
It's the first day for a fraternity...
It's the first day for a fraternity, and the dean is explaining the rules to the new pledges. He sternly advises them, And I must warn you of the curfew for this semester. If I catch any of you in the women's dorms past eight o'clock at night, it's fifty dollars for the first time, a hundred dollars for the second time, and five hundred dollars for the third time.
One pledge raises his hand and asks, How much for a season pass?
Three nuns
Sisters Anne, Mary, and Teresa are driving across the country when they are in a car c**... and all die tragically.
In heaven, the three of them are standing in front of the pearly gates and St. Peter is standing before them. He says to them, "Sisters, I understand that you are all women of faith, and I would be more than happy to let you into heaven without hesitation, but as it is the rules, I must ask you each one question that you must answer correctly before I can let you enter"
The nuns all agree and Sister Anne steps forward first.
"Sister Anne, what was the name of the first man?"
She barely misses a beat before announcing happily "Adam!"
*Gong!*
The gates open and she enters.
Sister Mary then steps forward and St. Peter asks her, "Sister Mary, what is the name of the first woman?"
"Eve!"
*Gong!*
The gates open and Sister Mary enters heaven.
St. Peter then addresses Sister Teresa, "Teresa, what is the first thing that Eve said when she saw Adam?"
Sister Teresa thinks for a minute... two minutes... three minutes.. then mutters to herself "That's a hard one..."
*Gong!*
So the speed of light, e, and the square root of (-1) walk into a bar...
So the speed of light, *e*, and (-1)^1/2 walk into a bar. The speed of light heads over to the bartender and gets his drink pretty quickly, as he's wont to do. Then (-1)^1/2 goes and orders his drink, and *e* just flips out on him. The square root of -1 asks *e* what's wrong, and he says, "I came in here first, and you just went in front of me!" (-1)^1/2 just says, "Hey, man, I'm just following the rules here!"
Finally, the bartender gets fed up and says, "No, no, no, you idiot, it's *i* before *e* **except** after c!
The 4 rules of marriage.
A father was explaining to his son the secrets of marriage,
"Son you there are only a few things you need in a marriage:
A woman who can cook, a woman who can clean, a woman who can satisfy you in the bedroom, and lastly you need to make sure none of these women ever meet."
The engineer and the mathematician
A mathematician and an engineer are at a bar when the most beautiful woman either of them has ever seen approaches them.
She takes them to a football field and tells them, "I'm going to stand on the far goal line, and you'll stand on this one. Whichever of you reaches me first can do whatever you want to me."
"There are two rules, however. Your first move can only be to the fifty yard line, and each move following can only be half the distance of the previous."
The woman walks to the far side to the far goal line, and the race begins.
The mathematician, upon seeing her reach the goal line, breaks down in tears, because he knows that he can never make it to the far goal.
The engineer takes off immediately. He knows he can never reach her, but he can certainly get close enough for all practical purposes.
There are 2 important rules in business.
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
I got fired today, because my boss caught me m**... with a vegetable
Apparently nursing homes have strict rules about what you can do with patients.
Hide and seek.
A girl was teaching a boy about her own rules at hide and seek: "If you can find me in 20 minutes, you may hold my hand. If you can find me in 10 minutes, you may kiss me. If you can find me in 2, you may do whatever you want to me, and I always hide behind the fridge."
Voltaire said To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize.
...so I guess my granddaddy was right when he said that r**... run this country.
[Nerd joke] What do trespassers have in common with logical fallacies?
They both violate the rules of the premises.
Anarchy is bad for you.
So there's two guys at a bar and the first one says
##So, how's it been going with your anarchist club recently?
###I got kicked out recently, sadly.
##Kicked out? Why?
###I don't know, I was just following the rules!
A man gets married and decides to set some ground rules..
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride thought for a minute and replied, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be s**... here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
How do you know the rules of football was written by an Italian?
You switch sides at half time.
4 rules for a happy marriage
1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman who makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman who loves to have s**....
4. It is very important that these three women never meet!!
Turned up five minutes late so missed the rules...
...but I had an amazing time at this fight club last week, you should definitely look into it and maybe join, we fight in a car park every weekend.
Jeremy Clarkson has been suspended. He must have done something that even the BBC find inexcusable
So that rules out child a**... then....
The three most important unwritten rules.
1.
2.
3.
The three rules about procrastination.
1.
2.
A Haiku on the Rules of Writing a Haiku
Syllable structure:
First five, then seven, then 5.
Just like this one isn't.
Rules for wearing animal print yoga pants:
1. Weigh less than the animals they represent
2.
3.
Went to my first fight club yesterday
It was great, but I missed a few of the first rules because I was late. Probably nothing important though.
Two rules for success
1. Never reveal everything you know
I love Fight Club!
I showed up a little late so I missed the first few rules but I can't wait to go next week!
My joke was removed for comparing Trump to h**...
Apparently it's against the rules to make personal attacks on someone even after they've been dead for over 70 years.
I went to the library today and said, "I'd like to check these books out."
The librarian said, "Sorry, that's actually against the rules."
"Huh?!"
The librarian replied, "You see, checking them out only makes them shelf conscious."
The 2 Golden Rules of Religion
1) Be kind to other people.
2) KILL THE FILTHY INFIDELS!!!!
Dr. Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding competition...
It seems he wildly misunderstood the rules.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO LIVE HAPPY LIFE!
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be in it with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other
They told me to drive it like I stole it
So I stayed at the speed limit, followed the road rules and paid attention to my surroundings
I went to my first Fight Club last week.
I was unfortunately late to it and so I missed the rules. But I had a great time at Fight Club, and I would strongly recommend Fight Club to everyone.
People often misuse the word "chivalry."
I looked up the rules of chivalry. Only one part is about respecting women. The rest is medieval battle etiquette.
The other day I didn't open a door for a women behind me. "I guess chivlary is dead," she said. Enraged, I challenged her to armed combat
Turns out I'm the better jouster.
Chivalry is alive but that woman is dead.
Why was Dr. Frankenstein upset?
He misunderstood the rules to the bodybuilding competition.
A woman gets called into her office HR department
They tell her that they noticed her password for her login was very unusual and asked her how she chose "DocGrumpyHappySleepyBashfulSneezyDopeySacarmento"
She said - "well the instructions were to have a password with seven characters and have at least one capitol, so I thought I was just following the rules"
Just got back from fight club. I really enjoyed it!
I was late though so I missed the rules. I'm sure they weren't important though.
One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to e**... new recruits to the mess hall.
After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them
"There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up!
Eat up!
Get up!"
Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"
Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
Joke rules for my house:
First of all, most all jokes are acceptable in this house.. except abortion jokes. Because jokes are all about the delivery...
Absolutely no p**... jokes. Period. No s**... assault jokes.. thats a touchy subject. Dead baby jokes on the other hand.. never get old!
Just got back from Fight Club. It was really fun!
I got there a little late so I wasn't able to hear all the rules, but I'm sure they aren't that important.
What do you call two pint of strict rules?
A quart of law
My daughter asked me today:"Dad, What is s**...?"
I had feared this moment would come and didn't think it would come this soon but nevertheless I was prepared.
So I sat her down and explained it all. The birds and the bees, the different s**... orientations, all the positions and of course I had to mention all the STD's and the rules of safe s**....
When I finished she looked at me shocked and confused:
"So... which box should I check on this form? Male or Female?"
An engineer, a lawyer and an accountant are at a job interview
The interviewer asked, what's 1 + 1.
The engineer draws up a plan and does some measurements and says. It appears that 1 + 1 is 2 .
The lawyer takes out his law book, checks all the rules then says according to the law, 1 + 1 is 2 .
The accountant takes out his book and calculator. Does a few calculations then whispers to the interviewer, What do you want the number to be?
Three unwritten rules to quality shitposting
1.
2.
3.
COWBOY TOMBSTONE JOKE
Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah! I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? His five rules for a happy life are below.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me
Trump meets the Queen
So Donald asks the Queen how you get to be king or a duke or other Royalty.
Queen:' Look Donald, an Emperor rules an Empire, a king rules a kingdom, a prince ruled a principality, a duke rules a duchy and so on'
Donald:' I rule the USA, what does that make me'
Queen: that's a country, that makes you a ....
There are two rules to remember in the entertainment industry.
The first is to always leave the audience wanting more. And the second
Jesus and Buddha are sitting in Heaven.
Buddha: "I should've made one of those rules where people aren't allowed to depict me."
Jesus: "Why?"
Buddha: "They keep making me look fat!"
Jesus: "Tell me about it. I've been a blond white guy for two thousand years!"
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students...
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing
out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and
the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking
this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this
rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will
cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
How much for a season pass?
I broke lockdown rules and went to a games night yesterday
There was a lot of risk
Voltaire said To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize.
It's time we rise up against those kids with leukemia
These are the three unwritten rules of life:
1.
2.
3.
All these contagious people make me sick!
What do you call a writer who doesn't follow the rules of sentence structure?
A rebel without a clause
Here are 3 unwritten rules in life
1.
2.
3.
Five asexual people are playing cards
One of them starts to explain the rules and then he pauses and says
I would say no cheating but there's already five aces at the table
What do rats like on their birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
C'mon, you know the rules!!
What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?
Fat. You get fat.
You were expecting a joke about pi? On my cake day?
C'mon, you know the rules!!
Duchess
It's my cake day, so here's a joke for everybody. My dad told me this joke, but I haven't seen it any other places:
A man goes on trial for calling the Duchess a pig. The judge finds him guilty of slander and explains that if he ever calls the Duchess a pig again he'll be severely punished. The man then says to the judge, If I can't call the Duchess a pig, would I still get punished for calling a pig Duchess?
The judge publicly rules that he can indeed call a pig Duchess.
On his way out of the courtroom, the man walks by the royal plaintiff, tips his hat, and says Good day, Duchess.
Voltaire said,
"To learn who rules over you, simply find out
who you are not allowed to criticize."
Hence, we need to rise up against children with leukemia.
Finally Wheel of Fortune is modernizing to reach more millennials with new rules.
Instead of buying a vowel they have to rent it.
Teach a man a joke and he will laugh for a day
Teach a redditor a joke and they will repost it for a lifetime!
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
Its cake and y'all know the rules!
Trying to play the new official Rick Astley boardgame.
But the instructions just say 'You know the rules, and so do I
This guy out there asking the real questions
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female hostel will be prohibited for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $100. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $200. Are there any questions?" At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
3 unwritten rules are:
1)
2)
3)
Two Dogs talking.
Dog one: Why are all of the humans wearing muzzles?
Dog two: Because they broke the rules and didn't sit and stay....
A man goes into the streets of Moscow and yells :
I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and s**... rules being a leader! A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin. Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man : Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the streets? Man responds: Of course i was thinking about h**...! ; Stalin lets him go but then he stops the soldier to say: Who were YOU thinking about?
The 4 rules of plumbing
Payday is Friday
s**... flows downhill
The boss is an a**...
Don't chew your fingernails
There are two rules in life:
1. Never give out all the information.
Teach a man a joke, and he will laugh for a day.
Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime.
It's cake and y'all know the rules!
A man finds a magic lamp, rubs it and a genie appears.
The genie says, I will grant you three wishes, but there are some rules. No wishing for more wishes, wishing for immortality, or wishing to bring someone back from the dead.
The man says, Ok, I wish to not die a v**....
The genie replies, I already told you, no wishing for immortality.
