Ruin Your Life Jokes
90 ruin your life jokes and hilarious ruin your life puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ruin your life that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Ruin Your Life Short Jokes
Short ruin your life jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ruin your life humour may include short ruin jokes also.
- I helped my neighbour with something this morning and she said, ''I could marry you!'', I couldn't believe it You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return
- Wife: Stop pretending your life is a youtube video!! It's ruining our marriage! Me: Do you guys think it's ruining our marriage? Let me know in the comments below!
- I said to my wife You are my drug She said: Oh wow is it because you can't get enough of me?
I replied: No because you cost so much money and you're ruining my life - What's the difference between a lawyer and a journalist? A lawyer will ruin someone's life for $400/hour. A journalist will do it for free.
- There are three certainties in life: Death, taxes, and Halloween candy assortments will always include one candy that ruins the bag.
- A hurricane walks into a bar The owner doesn't have insurance so his life is pretty much ruined.
- I walked up to a girl and said, "If you were a drug, I would overdose!" She said, "Thanks."
I said, "Then you wouldn't be able to ruin my life any more." - I sacrificed everything to pursue my dream of being an archeologist... And now my life is in ruins.
- I just invented a new drinking game! Every time one of my family mentions It's ruining your life I take a shot.
- A:"You are my drug" B: "Aww because you can't get enough of me?"
A: "No you ruin my life and you cost too much."
Share These Ruin Your Life Jokes With Friends
Ruin Your Life One Liners
Which ruin your life one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ruin your life? I can suggest the ones about your life is bad and enjoy life.
- My friend decided to become an archeologist ...now his life is in ruins.
- I'm an archaeologist... My life is in ruins.
- My wife is like a drug to me She ruined my life.
- I studied archeology Now my life is in ruins.
- I sacrificed everything to study archeology. Now my life is in ruins.
- Videogames ruined my life... ...but at least i have two more
- Never become an archaeologist... your life will be in ruins.
- My wife is like a drug She costs way too much and ruined my life
- I thought that I couldn't ruin my life on my own. So I got myself a girlfriend.
- Why are archeologist's life is sad? Their life is in ruins.
- Video games ruined my life... Good thing i have two more ❤️ ❤️
- An archaeologist is a dream job... Because then it's okay when your life is in ruins.
- Video games have ruined my life Thankfully, I have 10 seconds until I respawn
- I named my kid agoraphobe It really ruined his social life.
- Video games have ruined my life. Lucky for me. I can just respawn.
Ruin Your Life Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about ruin your life you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean love life jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ruin your life pranks.
Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise but the fire trucks ruined it.
A s**..., an alcoholic, and a gay guy go see a psychiatrist...
The s**... says, "This filthy habit is ruining my life. My wife hates it, my kids hate it, my grandpa died from it, I just want to quit!"
The alcoholic says,"Alcohol has ruined every relationship I have ever had, I can't even hold down a job, I need to get off the bottle."
The gay guy says, "Ever since I came out, I have lost so many friends, even my family treats me differently. I just want things to back the way they were."
The psychiatrist hands each of them a pill telling them that it is an instant cure, they each gobble them down without thinking twice.
The psychiatrist then says, "The only thing is, if you ever has a smoke again, or if you have another drink again, or if you have any s**... contact with another man again, you will drop dead."
Afterwards, the three of them went to a restaurant, chilled by what the psychiatrist had just told them.
"I can't take this anymore, I need a drink!" The alcoholic goes up to the bar and slams down a shot. Drops dead.
The s**... and the gay guy look at each other in shock. The s**... says, "Oh God this is real, I need some fresh air." They go outside and on the table there is an ashtray which has half of a cigarette, still smoldering. The gay guy looks at the s**... and says, "If you bend over to pick up that cigarette, we're both dead.
If you have allowed s**... to ruin your life...
you probably did it wrong.
Oscar
• Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius
• She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.
• Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.
• When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?
• Absolutely shocking news from South Africa. White man arrested for m**....
• Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.
• I take it Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentines.
• What do you call a room full of dead people? An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party.
• Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name. Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.
• A young woman is dead, the life of up and coming athlete, Oscar Pistorious, is ruined, and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... i mean pathetic.
• I think it's safe to say that Oscar Pistorius won't be getting his leg over tonight.
• Police have found a list of 20 other women that Pistorius planned to kill, they are calling it shinless list.
• And the Oscar goes to....... Prison.
Supposedly this joke was rated the funniest joke in a survey of British people...
Patient: Doctor, last night, I made Freudian slip. I was sitting at the dinner table next to my mother-in-law. I turned to her and I meant to say,"Please pass the salt", but instead I said "You fat cow, you've ruined my life".
What am I?
I am everything but the sun I am not
The radiance of my glow will not warm you up
My heat will not burn but will ruin your life
You cannot eat me but I am edible
There was a carpenter that was quite a ladies' man, who accidentally ruined one of his eyes in an accident one day
So he made himself a wooden eye, but unfortunately his good looks were spoiled because he couldn't get it to fully resemble his remaining eye, and his days of womanizing were done. The fact that women were repulsed by his eye made him grow to have trouble even talking to women, which only compounded his problems, making his love life hit quite a slump. When he finally mustered the courage to attend a county ball, nobody would so much as dance with him. But then off to the side he saw a woman with a harelip, and he figured he might as well give her a shot. When he asked her to dance, she excitedly replied, "would I, would I!" "Well screw you harelip," he replied!
My s**... life is ruined
Yesterday my doctor diagnosed me with a disease which will ruin my s**... life forever.
Your probably thinking Gonorrhea, Chlamydia or Aids!
It's much worse than that!
I've got arthritis in my hands!
A man got kicked out ot his house by his wife...
... and he went to stay at his buddy's house.
The buddy asks him: "What happanned, why did she kick you out?"
The man says: "Well, we had a conversation and I slipped my tongue..."
"Wait a minute, that's no reason to kick a man out of the house!"
"Oh, we were having breakfast and, well, what I wanted to say was 'Would you pass me the salt, honey?' but accidentally I said 'You ruined 20 years of my life, you w**...'"
I used to be obsessed with The Hokey Pokey. It was ruining everything.
But then I turned my life around. Because that's what it's all about.
Commercials that never made it to air
Here's my entry:
"Have you had an accident that wasn't your fault and has ruined your life? Next time, use Durex".
Doctor, I messed up.
A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You fat cow, you have completely ruined my life!"
An Olympic Gymnast walks into a bar.
He gets a two point penalty and ruins his life-long ambition of becoming an Olympic medalist.
What's the difference between math and m**...?
One of them ruins your life.
The other's just m**....
I asked myself "What am i doing with my life?"
and my inner Conscience replied "Probably ruining it"
A lottery winner realizes years later that her life is ruined from having too much money
In a desperate attempt to get her old life back, she's suing the lottery company for millions in damages.
What drug ruins a man's life?
Marriage-ajauna
Life is one big joke
The only difference is even when i ruin it my dad's still laughing at me
What helps a straight married couples s**... life but ruins a gay married couples s**... life?
Marital AIDS
I always love to remember what my grandmother used to tell me.
"Now don't ruin my life like your mother did!"
We always teach people not to do drugs because they ruin your life.
Yet we celebrate marriage.
A man does and goes to heaven
He meets god and asks him
"What is the meaning of life?"
"Well, if I told you, it'll ruin the joke"
AdBlock ruined my s**... life
There are no more hot singles near me
You're my drug
Awww, why, because you can't live without me?
No. Because you cost too much and ruin my life .
Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years
to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him. His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked, "What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore."
"I hired a professional worrier and I haven't had a worry since," replied Jack.
"That must be expensive," Bob replied.
"He charges $5,000 a month," Jack told him.
"$5,000!!! How in the world can you afford to pay him?" exclaimed Bob.
"I don't know. That's his problem."
VERY SAD DAY.
A good friend of mine, after 7 yrs of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying on his school loans. This just goes to show one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts for him and his family. He really is a great guy and would have been a brilliant veterinarian.
My friend started counting geodes three months ago, and now he's living under a highway overpass.
It's crazy how quickly crystal math can ruin your life.
What's the difference between an inlaw and an outlaw?
An outlaw leaves after they've ruined your life
jenga teaches children a valuable life lesson.
That if you work hard and spend a lot of time on something, some idiot will come along and ruin it all for you.
My life is like a joke
Because it was enjoyable and fresh until this sub ruined it.
Two men on a train both have black eyes.
Man 1: "how did you get that black eye?"
Man 2: "I was buying my ticket from this beautiful b**... girl and instead of saying 'a ticket to Pittsburgh' I accidentally said I wanted 'a picket to Tittsburgh' so she hit me. How about you?"
Man 1: "Yeah, something similar happened to me. I was sitting around having breakfast with my wife and I meant to say 'pass the wheaties' and I accidentally said 'you ruined my life you s**... b**...'."
How do you ruin a boxer's life?
Just don't help him take off his gloves he can't do it himself
This probably isn't the place to post this.
My heart breaks! VERY SAD DAY TODAY. A good friend of mine, after 7 years of medical school and training, has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training, and money. Even worse, is the fact that he is still paying off his school loans. This just goes to show how one little mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts for him and his family. He really is a great person, and a brilliant Veterinarian.
Fellas if you're gonna r**... someone
Wear protection, having a child unprepared could ruin your life
Why are tornadoes always named after women?
Because when the tornadoes arrive they are warm and moist but when they leave, you only have half a house, no car, and your entire life lies in ruins.
For anybody who doesn't believe vaccines cause autism...
My Douglas was vaccinated and is now nearly five years old. He has still not learned to speak a single word, cannot dress himself and is not even able to use the toilet.
Don't let vaccines ruin your dog's life too.
A 30 year old jobless, homeless, broke guy went to a palm reading fortune teller to know when will his life be better.
Guy: How will my future be?
FT: Till you're 42, you'll suffer thinking about your life getting ruined, cleaned out, agonized, strapped, tortured, penniless, distressed, dirt poor, tormented, wasted, unproductive, exhausted, dried up and living a lifeless life.
Guy: So what happens after 42.
FT: You'll stop thinking about it.
Bob Takes a Seat
Bob takes a seat on a train. He looks up and notices the man in front of him also has a black eye. So Bob asks the man Hey, how'd you get yours?
The man says I walked up to the ticket booth to buy two tickets to Pittsburg. When I got to the booth the lady selling the tickets had huge b**... and i accidentally said I need two pickets to titsburg. How did you get yours?
Bob says I was having breakfast with my wife this morning. I went to ask her to pass the Cheerios but it came out: b**...! YOU RUINED MY LIFE! .
I had dinner with my mother in law the other night. Was gonna ask "would you to pass the salt, please"
But instead my tounge twisted and I said
"You s**... cow. You've completely ruined my life."
Today is a VERY, VERY sad day.
VERY VERY VERY SAD DAY. A good friend of mine, after 7 years of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He is still paying his school loans. This just goes to show you one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts for him and his family.
He really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian.
Two guys chatting at the bar....
One says, "I committed an embarrassing faux pas this morning. Went to the travel agency to buy some plane tickets. The young girl had the most spectacular b**... and I accidentally asked for two plane-t**..." His mate replies, "Oh yes. I did the exact same thing this morning. Went to ask my wife to pass the corn-flakes and accidentally said, "You fat cow, you've totally ruined my life"'
2 guys in a bar chatting. The first says have you ever said something wrong by mistake , Guy 2 says like what?
Guy 1 says well, this one time I was at the airline desk and the woman behind the counter had HUGE b**.... I was supposed to ask for 2 tickets to Pittsburgh but I asked for 2 tickets to Titsburgh
Guy 2 says Oh yeah, I see what you mean. The other day I was having breakfast with my wife. I was supposed to ask her to pass the salt, but I said you've ruined my life b**...
A picket to Tittsburgh
A guy travels out to visit a friend of his in Pittsburgh who is going through some hard times. His friend picks him up at the airport.
"How was the flight?"
"The flight was fine but I embarrassed myself when I bought my ticket."
"Oh? What happened?"
"The woman at the counter was very attractive and instead of asking for a ticket to Pittsburgh, I asked for a picket to Tittsburgh."
"Oh that's just a Freudian slip. Happens all the time. Just the other night at dinner I meant to ask my wife to pass the salt but instead said 'you ruined my life you b**...'".
Freudian slips
A woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says "Hey Doc, you know how we have been talking about Freudian slips? " "Well, I had the most amazing one last night". I was eating dinner with my wife, and I meant to say "would you please pass the salt dear?". But instead, I said "You g**... b**..., you're ruining my life".
My life was ruined by my obsession with video games.
Fortunately, I had another two lives.
Doctor's news
Doctor: I've got good news and bad news.
Patient: I'll take the bad news first.
Doctor: I'm really sorry to have to tell you this but there was an error in your chart and I'm afraid we cut off the wrong leg.
Patient: WHAT THE HECK?!? That's not bad news. That's TERRIBLE news. What incompetent fools! You've ruined my life!!!
Doctor: Now hold on. You haven't heard the good news. I'm pleased to tell you that upon further study it turns out your other leg's going to be okay!
What I meant to say…
A man arrived at work, visibly frustrated and irritated. His colleague asked what's wrong.
The man said, Uggghhh, my wife got super mad at me because I misspoke.
The colleague asked what happened.
The man said, So my wife and I were eating breakfast. What I *meant* to say was 'Good morning, honey, would you please pass the syrup?
Instead, I accidentally said, You've ruined my life, you miserable Crone.
Two women were chatting in the airport lounge…
The younger one says I must be jet lagged, I went to get my ticket to Pittsburgh and asked for a picket to dicksburgh
The older one replies and says I know what you mean, I called my husband to remind him to take out the trash and instead said 'you ruined my life you drunken b**...'
A boy comes out with a girl and tells mom he is marrying her..
The mother says 'you can find someone better, why would you wanna ruin your life with it'.....
'mom, don't say it like that, she will get hurt' says the son.
Mom says 'i wasn't talking to you, son'