The Best 68 Rude Jokes

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I hate the part of the conversation where the other person says things.

Sure, I'd love to help you out... now, which way did you come in?

Black humor is like food, not everyone gets it.

My neighbor is so inconsiderate!

He came pounding on my front door at 4am.

Thankfully I was already awake practicing my drum solo, but very rude!

Abortion - it really brings out the child in you.

Anyone got any similar puns?

Also:
- 9/11 jokes are just plane rude.

Rude awakening

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got this problem doctor. Every time we're in bed my husband climaxes, he let's out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.". "The problem," she complains, " is that it wakes me up."

A note to the guy behind me driving to work this morning.

Dear guy behind me driving to work this morning,

Don't get mad at me for driving the speed limit. It's there to keep people safe!

And don't get mad at me for not getting out of your way. You don't own the road!

And don't ever flash your lights and honk your horn at others to make them move...geez. Such a rude ambulance driver!

I just bought a rotisserie but I might return it because it's so rude.

It's constantly flipping the bird.

A man asks a blacksmith to refine some ore....

The blacksmith says "put the ore on the bench, then beat it. I'll do it once I've finished up at the grindstone". The man says to the blacksmiths assistant "that was rude" and the assistant replies "what can I say, he has an axe to grind".

My butcher is very rude

I asked him for a cut of pork and he gave me the cold shoulder

Is it rude to go up to someone with an eyepatch and say

"Was it all fun and games up until that point?"

A middle-aged teacher named Mrs. Jackson saw one of her first grade boys making rude faces at the preschoolers on the playground

She said "You know, Liam, when I was a little girl I was told that if I made ugly faces it might freeze and stay like that."
Liam replied "Well sorry Mrs. Jackson, but you can't say you weren't warned.

It's so rude when someone's phone goes off in class.

Some of us are trying to sleep.

What do you call a rude German?

A Deutsch bag

I often chastise my conservative grandpa for stereotyping black people..

I mean how rude it is to pick on jobless people raised by single mothers...

What's the rudest type of Elf?

The GofuckyoursELF

What did the boy tell the priest in the confessional?

Nothing.
It's rude to talk with your mouth full.

I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I could go in and look around. They said no and slammed the door.

My parents can be so rude...

A man is taking his dog for a walk through a graveyard early one morning.

A man is taking his dog for a walk through a graveyard early one morning when he sees an elderly man crouched by a gravestone. Not wishing to appear rude the dog-walker greets the elderly man with a cheery:

"Morning!"

The elderly man replies:

"Oh no, just taking a dump."

So I told my girlfriend that she'd look better with her hair back...

Which apparently is a very rude thing to say to a cancer patient.

I can't believe this happened

I was on the toilet, and shortly after I sat down I heard from the stall next door, "Hi, how are you?". Embarrassed but not wanting to be rude I said "doing fine?" Then I hear them ask "So what are you up to?". ?!?! "Um..." I said "Same as you I'd guess. Just sitting here." Then I'm completely caught off guard when asked "Can I come over?" "I'm kind of busy at the moment" Annoyed I responded. Then I hear "Listen, I'll call you back later, the idiot in the next stall is answering all of my questions."

I've never been interrupted while masturbating

I've always had the pleasure of never being interrupted while masturbating. I don't know if it's because I play it safe or the people next to me just don't want to be rude.

Why was the Trebuchet so rude?

It was an offensive siege weapon!

Trees are really rude

They're always throwing shade!

I have a Taiwanese friend who is is incredibly rude and bossy

He has a strong Taipei personality

I met a rude Australian once

I asked him if he knew of a furniture store nearby. He said "Does it look like ikea?"

A patient walks into a doctor's office...

...seeking a prescription, and he can't help but notice that the doctor's writing on his clipboard with a rectal thermometer.

Not wanting to be rude, the man speaks up politely, "Uh, doc', not tryna' be impolite, but you're writing with a rectal thermometer."

The doctor pulls up his glasses, looks at the thermometer and replies, "Ah, some asshole's got my pen."

What do you call a rude convict going downstairs?

A condescending con descending.

Every time I go through a fast food window

They hand me my food and say sorry about the weight. I know I could lose a few pounds but this is just rude.

The next time you meet someone who says they're a civil engineer,

Tell them, "That's wonderful! Engineers are usually so rude!"

[sorry, not useful unless you meet a lot of civil engineers]

What's the rudest kind of elf? Nsfw

A go fuckyourself

I approached a lesbian at a bar.

I wasn't aware she was a lesbian at the time, so I asked if she would like to go home with me.

"How rude!" she responded. "Did you just assume my sexuality? I'll have you know that I'm not interested in men!"

I'm a fairly progressive man, so I wasn't going to let her beat me at my own game.

"How rude!" I shouted, catching her attention as she walked away. "Did you just assume my gender?"

It's so rude to insult someone in Braille.

Just think about how it makes them feel.

I asked a pregnant woman if I could feel the baby

She said that I could, but once I started rolling my sleeve up past my elbow she ran away. Rude.

So this lady is getting on the bus with her baby...

And as she gets on, the bus driver glances at her child, does a double take and says "Gaaaaahhhh!!"
Well, this disturbs the lady, but she sits down.
The passenger next to her sees that she's disturbed, and asks what's wrong.
"The bus driver was VERY rude to me!"
The passenger says, "Well, you should go give him a piece of your mind! Let me hold your monkey for you."

My wife kept saying that I was rude to her.

She told me I should talk to her like I would talk to my idol- The Rock.

So I said:

'You have a body that can turn a man gay!'

What does a rude Frenchman and a ruthless Englishman have in common?

No Merci.

I'd always dreamed of being in NASA but it wasn't what I'd imagined it would be

For one all the people there were very rude. They kept saying things like "You shouldn't be here," "Oh my," and "I CAN'T CATCH HIM HE'S COVERED IN BABY OIL"

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude.

The look on his face was priceless.

I don't mean to be rude, but the SuperBowl was boring.

No offense.

Pets are like countries.

Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.

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Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.

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Parrots are like America. They blindly repeat anybody they believe is of higher intelligence, especially if the owner is Russian.

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Goldfish are like Carpatho-Ukraine. They'd be lucky to last a year.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Stunned, the woman sits down and complains to the man next to her. "I can't believe that rude driver! He was so insulting to me! I have half I mind to tell him off!" The man replies, "You should. Let him have it. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."

I understand that the doctor needs to feel my wife's boobs

But at the dinner table, it's just rude

My lesbian friend just bought me a rolex for my birthday.

I don't mean to be rude, but that's not what I meant when I said "I wanna watch".

For her birthday, the only gift I got my wife is an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.

She's in for a rude awakening.

Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude...

He's been pushing me around and talking behind my back.

For her birthday, I got my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of ringing.

She's in for a rude awakening.

One day a baseball umpire brought his son to a game to watch him work. Dutmring the game, the umpire was rude and insulting, even to the point of spitting and cursing the players. At the end of the game he knelt down and beckoned his son to come sit on his knee. The boy refused saying . . .

The son never sits on the brutish umpire.

A prince visited a famous Yogi

When the Prince walked up to the Yogi, He was meditating in a handstand pose. The prince felt that it was extremely rude that the man would not stand up and great him properly.

The prince said, Sir, stand up greet me properly!

Namaste upside down said the Yogi

Sean Connery was very rude to his guests, and treated his driver terribly

I went to his house once and he didn't even offer me a seat. He just kept asking if I wanted to shit on his chauffeur

What do you call a very rude Hobbit?

A douchebaggins.

For Christmas, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears instead of beeping.

She's in for a rude awakening.

I had the rudest, slowest, and nastiest cashier today...

That's the last time I use the self checkout lane!

For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping.

He's in for a rude awakening.

A woman gets on to a bus, holding her unfortunately ugly baby.

The driver laughs and says "what an ugly kid!"

Fuming, the woman sits down and turns to the man next to her. "That driver was so rude to me. I should really give him a piece of my mind."

The man nods sympathetically. "You go tell him, I'll hold your dog."

There are three brothers. One is named Shut-up, the next is named Crap, and the last is named Manners

Shut-up was driving home when he was pulled over by a cop for speeding. The officer asks for his name and he says "Shut-up."

The officer gets mad and said "Sir I need your name!"

"Shut-up."

Officer "That is very rude! Tell me your name right now!"

"I said Shut-up!"

Officer "That's it, I've had enough with you! Where are your manners!?"

"At the gas station picking up Crap!"

A couple went to a restaurant

Waitress: May I take your orders, please?

Husband: Oh my, aren't you pretty

Waitress: Why, thank you sir

Wife: Tell her about your erectile dysfunction dear

Husband: Of course! How rude of me? Allow me to introduce my erectile dysfunction. Her name is Samantha.

I was going to say the word door backwards

but thought it might be rude.

Stupid joke I just made up...

There was a pair of twins called Harold and Aruld who decided to do a social experiment. Harold would act all nice, polite and friendly, whereas Aruld would act rude, outspoken and brash. They went into a few stores and conversed with some customers and staff, and afterwards a representative went in to ask who, out of the two they preferred. Strangely, Harold didn't get a single vote.

London's a weird place...

I had the rudest, slowest, nastiest cashier today!

I guess it's my own fault for using the self checkout lane.

My dog gave birth to a very rude little puppy.

He's been a son of a bitch since the day he was born.

I met Tom Hanks once. He was so rude

I asked for his autograph and all he wrote was thanks.

This no kidding came from my 10 y/o today from his class. 5th Grade

Student #1: was acting rude and obnoxious toward other students in class

My kiddo: "Stop acting rude"

Student #1: "Make me"

Student #2 (a friend of my kiddo): "Your Mom and Dad already made that mistake."

I think my family is racist

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I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and my wife and kids were very rude to her.

Three babies in the womb.

They are discussing what they would like to be when they grow up.

The first one says, "I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here."

The second one says, "I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here."

The third one says, "I wanna be a boxer."

The others look confused and ask, "Why do you want to be a boxer?"

He replies, "So I can beat the hell out of that rude bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us."