rude Jokes

A dad is washing the car with his son. After a moment, the son asks his father, "Do you think we could use a sponge instead?"

Hitting birds is illegal and you get a big fine, I learned this when I kicked a pelican... I ended up footing a massive bill.

Son: "What's an inheritance?"
Me: "Nothing you need to be concerned with."

A black person, a Asian and a Mexican jump out of a plane. Who wins? Society.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

When a woman says "what?" It's not because she didn't hear you. She's just giving you a chance to change what you said.

Your so ugly when you were born your mom said "Oh what a treasure" and your dad said "Yeah le´ts bury it."

Why can't two Asian's have a white baby? Because two Wong's don't make a white!

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

Me (at work): "I think I'm having a heart attack."
My boss: "Do that on your own time!"

Marriage is all about compromise. For example, today I agreed to never sit in certain chairs in exchange for one chair I can sleep in.

I've got a new anorexic girlfriend. It's not going too well though. I'm just seeing less and less of her...

I'm trying to get on your good side, but I haven't found it yet.

Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is realising the other person was born an idiot.

I got lost in your eyes. But I also get lost in most department stores, so I wouldn't read too much into it.

How many Jews can you fit in a Voltswagen? 2 in the front, 3 in the back, 8 million in the ash tray.

Yo mama so fat when she stepped on the weighing scale it said: "I need your weight, not your phone number."

I tried eharmony. They kept matching me up with women who look like me in a wig. I'd be too intimidated to date someone that attractive.

Sometimes I hide my girlfriend's inhaler so the neighbors think I'm a stud when they hear her panting, "Give it to me!"

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.

Sugar - Honey - Iced - Tea ... Guess what it means.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.

Damn girl, are you a newspaper? Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day.

A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff.

I saw a chameleon today so I guess it was a pretty shitty chameleon.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. Retard shit is green.

I'm already visualising the duct tape across your mouth.

Sure, I'd love to help you out... now, which way did you come in?

Your way sounds super safe and rational. Let's do it my way.

Did you ever look at what's "Popular on Netflix" and think, man there are a lot of dumb motherfuckers watching Netflix?

The founders of Foursquare came up with the name of the company when using off-brand toilet paper.

A woman is like a well-served table at which a man looks one way before he eats and differently after he ate.

What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed? Nothing.

Which came first? The birth, or parental disappointment?

You can break a girl's head with a simple stone, and with a precious stone, you can break a girl's heart. But the wise say it is better with a simple one.

Friend: "I don't want to bore you with my problems."
Me: "Awesome, thank you."

How do you stop a nigger from drowning? You remove your boot from the back of his head.

What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?"
The student replied, "It is obviously past."

I'm like a bird... I shit on people's cars.

What's the difference between a jew and a pizza? A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven!

Doctor: "Well, it looks like you're pregnant."
Woman: "Oh my God, I'm pregnant?!"
Doctor: "No, it just looks like you are."

My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.

Sorry I missed your call, I was busy seeing how many times my phone would ring before you gave up.

"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

Canadians are more polite when they are being rude than Americans are when they are being friendly.

Someone just honked their horn to get me out of my parking space quicker so now we will both be here until we're dead.

Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever's bugging you.

The three words most hated by men during sex? "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"

What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.

To make mistakes is human. To blame someone else for your problem, is strategic.

Actually, I don't think you're dyslexic; just really, really stupid.

Want to dance? Or should I go to hell again?

Stephen Hawking has a great sense of humor. He does One-liners, but not a Stand-up comedy.

Cats are a great pet if you've ever wanted convenient access to a friend that hurts your feelings.

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?

I made dinner reservations for my wife's birthday and told the host there's an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card her.

If it's tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them?

Why doesn't Jesus eat M&Ms? They fall through the holes in his hands.

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a nigger? Someone who is too lazy to steal.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Swine Flu is the only thing left in Mexico that still does its job.

Crap. Something is wrong with my cell phone. {Oh Really. What is that?} Its just that...your numbers not in it.

What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels comes alive when you add Coke.

I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried. Onions was a good dog.

She's so fat, she's got more chins than a Chinese phone book.

He doesn't know the meaning of fear... but then again, he doesn't know the meaning of MOST words.

Why did the soccer ball quit the team? It was tired of being kicked around.

Why does a blond wear a tight skirt? To keep here legs closed.

You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception

We're you made in a lab, cause damn you are one failed experiment.

What would you call a woman who goes out with You? Desperate!

Is bullshit one word or two? I just want these Valentine's cards for my prayer group to be perfect.

Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people.

Are your parents siblings?

Cowgirls are like cow pats - the older they are, the easier they are to pick up.

My love for you is like diarrhea, I just cant hold it in!

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

You know you're getting old when you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

She is so fat if you told her to haul ass it would take two trips.

A woman once wanted me to father her child no strings attached. In other words, "I like your genes, but I don't like what you've done with them." I agreed but with one condition. She had to put it up for adoption.

How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume, she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

What do they do with blacks after they die? Gut them and use them as wetsuits.

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

Why do pills work? Because they're white.

I think the most exciting thing about being an adult is never knowing what part of your body is going to hurt the next day

The best present is the present made by your own slaves.

Why don´t women have men´s brains? Because they don't have penises to put them in

When a young white girl saw a blind person, her mother told her not to stare. She doesn't look at Asians anymore.

Why wasn't Jesus born in the USA? Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

What's the difference between a Boy-Scout and a Jew? Boy-Scouts get to leave camp.

It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.

If I was a dog, and you were a flower, I'd lift up my legs, and give you a shower.

Stretchy shrink-wrap can be loads of fun. You can get it at most office supply stores. Completely wrap a friend's car, bike, or motorcycle. Extra credit: leave a large pink bow on top.

Your blow up date saw you naked, and self deflated.

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.

My dad never seemed to see the irony in calling me a son of a bitch he does it every day.