Rude Jokes
141 rude jokes and hilarious rude puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about rude that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Rude Short Jokes
Short rude jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The rude humour may include short impolite jokes also.
- I think my family is racist
I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and my wife and kids were very rude to her. - I met Tom Hanks once. He was so rude I asked for his autograph and all he wrote was thanks.
- I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude. The look on his face was priceless.
- Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude... He's been pushing me around and talking behind my back.
- Is it rude to go up to someone with an eyepatch and say "Was it all fun and games up until that point?"
- I asked a pregnant woman if I could feel the baby She said that I could, but once I started rolling my sleeve up past my elbow she ran away. Rude.
- For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping. He's in for a rude awakening.
- My dad asked me, What's your favorite Pixar film? I said, Up. Yours?
He said, wow! Don't be rude. It was just a question. - Every time I go through a fast food window They hand me my food and say sorry about the weight. I know I could lose a few pounds but this is just rude.
- Abortion - it really brings out the child in you. Anyone got any similar puns?
Also:
- 9/11 jokes are just plane rude.
Share These Rude Jokes With Friends
Rude One Liners
Which rude one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with rude? I can suggest the ones about rough and nasty.
- It's so rude when someone's phone goes off in class. Some of us are trying to sleep.
- My butcher is very rude I asked him for a cut of pork and he gave me the cold shoulder
- I don't mean to be rude, but the SuperBowl was boring. No offense.
- I hate the part of the conversation where the other person says things.
- What do you call a very rude Hobbit? A douchebaggins.
- It's so rude to insult someone in Braille. Just think about how it makes them feel.
- What do you call a rude German? A Deutsch bag
- What does a rude Frenchman and a ruthless Englishman have in common? No Merci.
- Why was the Trebuchet so rude? It was an offensive siege weapon!
- Trees are really rude They're always throwing shade!
- Why are teachers so rude during summer vacation? Because they have no class
- What do rude French ducks say instead of pardon ? Quoi quoi qoui
- Why was the volcano rude? It kept interrupting.
- Why are some spicy peppers rude to you? They get jalapeno face.
- I was going to say the word door backwards but thought it might be rude.
Rude Swear Jokes
Here is a list of funny rude swear jokes and even better rude swear puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I got a rude awakening this morning. My swear jar fell on my head.
- My brother dropped my swear jaw on my head this morning. That was a rude awakening.
Birthday Rude Jokes
Here is a list of funny birthday rude jokes and even better birthday rude puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I made dinner reservations for my wife's birthday and told the host there's an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card her.
- How old would you be if you didn't know how old you was?
- Which came first? The birth, or parental disappointment?
- The best present is the present made by your own slaves.
Extremely Rude Jokes
Here is a list of funny extremely rude jokes and even better extremely rude puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A waiter accidentally slipped and threw curry all over an extremely rude customer... ... It was chicken karma
Humorous Rude Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life
What funny jokes about rude you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean obnoxious jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make rude pranks.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
What would you call a woman who goes out with You? Desperate!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and s**....
My love for you is like diarrhea, I just cant hold it in!
Oh... I didn't tell you... Then It must be none of your business...
"Could you take a couple steps back. I have a nut allergy."
Sorry I missed your call, I was busy seeing how many times my phone would ring before you gave up.
There's nothing like the joy on a kid's face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's your best non swearing insult? I hope you step on a lego.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Am I getting under your skin? The only skin you'll be getting under is my b**....
Try to use this vacuum, it may help you remove the cobwebs in your mind.
I'm drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that's how they'll look 90% of the time.
Sorry, I'm late. I got here as soon as I felt like it.
Wife: "Honey? What do you think about my teeth?"
Husband: "They remind me of stars... yellow and far apart."
If I tell you I'm thinking about you, don't get too excited, because I'm also thinking about nachos.
Fat Penguin. Excuse me?! I just wanted to say something that breaks the ice...
I had prepared for a battle of wits but I see you came unarmed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Google is definitely a woman, it starts suggesting things before you can even finish your sentence.
Why did the soccer ball quit the team? It was tired of being kicked around.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sorry I didn't respond to you just now. I was doing something productive and not wasting my precious time with your l**... speeches.
It's been raining for 3 days without stopping. My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window. If the rain doesn't stop tomorrow, I'll have to let her in.
My neighbor is so inconsiderate!
He came pounding on my front door at 4am.
Thankfully I was already awake practicing my drum solo, but very rude!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A note to the guy behind me driving to work this morning.
Dear guy behind me driving to work this morning,
Don't get mad at me for driving the speed limit. It's there to keep people safe!
And don't get mad at me for not getting out of your way. You don't own the road!
And don't ever flash your lights and honk your horn at others to make them move...geez. Such a rude ambulance driver!
What do you call a rude priest?
A masshole.
Who is the rudest person in my mathematical family?
Aunt Sally
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just bought a rotisserie but I might return it because it's so rude.
It's constantly f**....
I had a customer tonight with allergies [true story]
Rude Customer: Can you just make sure there's no nuts in my food? I can't eat nuts.
Me: Sure! My sister Anna can't eat nuts either. You might know her?
Customer: Oh?
Me: Anna-phallactic?
Customer: Oh.
Me: Just kidding, I don't have a sister.
Customer: Oh?
Me: She died. She ate some nuts and died.
Im wearing my grandfathers watch
A german guy walks up to me and asks if I can tell him the time. I say "nine"... he walks away complaining how rude american youth are.
A man asks a blacksmith to refine some ore....
The blacksmith says "put the ore on the bench, then beat it. I'll do it once I've finished up at the grindstone". The man says to the blacksmiths assistant "that was rude" and the assistant replies "what can I say, he has an axe to grind".
A middle-aged teacher named Mrs. Jackson saw one of her first grade boys making rude faces at the preschoolers on the playground
She said "You know, Liam, when I was a little girl I was told that if I made ugly faces it might freeze and stay like that."
Liam replied "Well sorry Mrs. Jackson, but you can't say you weren't warned.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I often chastise my conservative grandpa for stereotyping black people..
I mean how rude it is to pick on jobless people raised by single mothers...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
They say to dance like no one is watching...
but everyone was very rude to me at my mother-in-law's f**....
What's the rudest type of Elf?
The GofuckyoursELF
Table manners
Teacher:"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
Teacher: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
Teacher:'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
Johnny: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'
What did the boy tell the priest in the confessional?
Nothing.
It's rude to talk with your mouth full.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man returns home from the golf course...
His wife asks him why he no longer plays with j**..., a long-time friend. He replies:"Would you enjoy playing with a swearing, rude cheat?"
His wife says "No, of course not".
Her husband answers:"Well neither does j**..."
A man is taking his dog for a walk through a graveyard early one morning.
A man is taking his dog for a walk through a graveyard early one morning when he sees an elderly man crouched by a gravestone. Not wishing to appear rude the dog-walker greets the elderly man with a cheery:
"Morning!"
The elderly man replies:
"Oh no, just taking a dump."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've never been interrupted while m**...
I've always had the pleasure of never being interrupted while m**.... I don't know if it's because I play it safe or the people next to me just don't want to be rude.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just punched an old bearded fat guy at the mall..
I passed infront of him and he happily looked at me and called me a "h**..." 3 times.
So rude!
In the political correctness of 2017, is it still ok to call my wife the "ol ball and chain"?
Or is that rude to the ball and chain?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I have a Taiwanese friend who is is incredibly rude and bossy
He has a strong Taipei personality
It's rude to call someone a fob
You just assumed they understand English
I met a rude Australian once
I asked him if he knew of a furniture store nearby. He said "Does it look like ikea?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I called the a**... hotline and they were so rude to me
They said they only help victims
I was rude to my doctor today...
...so he gave me the silent treatment.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a rude convict going downstairs?
A condescending con descending.
Why do I find broken clocks rude?
Because they won't give me the time of day.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A soldier walks into a bar.
A man in the bar strikes up a conversation with the soldier.
"So sorry if I'm being rude, but how'd you lose your leg?"
"e**... in the war. I miss my friends too much here and I want to go back. They won't let me with my injuries though."
"They still stationed in Afghanistan?"
"No, they're dead"
"My condolences. Have a beer on me."
"That's very kind of you sir but I'm not old enough to drink"
Hans, how was your first day at the Coast Guard Station?
Not so good... Very boring it was. Very quiet, most of zee day, but zen... a british guy said he was sinking.
He was sinking?
Yes, so I asked him about what he was sinking, and he never replied. How rude!
What do you call a rude turkey?
Jerky
The next time you meet someone who says they're a civil engineer,
Tell them, "That's wonderful! Engineers are usually so rude!"
[sorry, not useful unless you meet a lot of civil engineers]
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call rude bus drivers?
Bustards
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I approached a lesbian at a bar.
I wasn't aware she was a lesbian at the time, so I asked if she would like to go home with me.
"How rude!" she responded. "Did you just assume my sexuality? I'll have you know that I'm not interested in men!"
I'm a fairly progressive man, so I wasn't going to let her beat me at my own game.
"How rude!" I shouted, catching her attention as she walked away. "Did you just assume my gender?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My son is so rude, I told him one day you're gonna have kids of your own
He said yeah, you too
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My barber friend is so d**... rude.
He keeps talking behind my back!
A doctor walks up to his girlfriend...
He says, We're breaking up! He then proceeds to insult her.
Why are you being so rude? She asks, hurt.
In medicine, you always burn a wound to make sure it never opens again, He replies.
Someone made a rude comment towards me for breast feeding in public recently.
But what am I supposed to do? A mans got to eat.
My girlfriend won't let me talk to this girl I know because she doesn't like that we've slept together in the past
Seems rude to keep family apart....
My dad's sister, Artica, has been very rude to everyone ever since her husband left her
It's gotten to the point we're we've had to preface every meeting with:
Careful, Aunt Artica is very cold
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So this lady is getting on the bus with her baby...
And as she gets on, the bus driver glances at her child, does a double take and says "Gaaaaahhhh!!"
Well, this disturbs the lady, but she sits down.
The passenger next to her sees that she's disturbed, and asks what's wrong.
"The bus driver was VERY rude to me!"
The passenger says, "Well, you should go give him a piece of your mind! Let me hold your monkey for you."
My wife kept saying that I was rude to her.
She told me I should talk to her like I would talk to my idol- The Rock.
So I said:
'You have a body that can turn a man gay!'
I had a rude awakening due to a loud noise.
Needless to say, I was alarmed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are communists so rude?
Because they hate class
They say French people are rude...
but I know for a fact that about 172 000 of em' are Nice guys.
I'd always dreamed of being in NASA but it wasn't what I'd imagined it would be
For one all the people there were very rude. They kept saying things like "You shouldn't be here," "Oh my," and "I CAN'T CATCH HIM HE'S COVERED IN BABY OIL"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Girls are never wrong...
Just Sometimes Confused,
Rude,
Stubborn,
Senseless Emotional,
Unchangeable,
Crazy,
s**... N Even Mad.
But Never Wrong!
I got kicked out of church
Apparently it's rude to say going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
