Rude Jokes
150 rude jokes and hilarious rude puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about rude that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Rude Short Jokes
Short rude jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The rude humour may include short impolite jokes also.
- I think my family is racist
I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and my wife and kids were very rude to her. - I met Tom Hanks once. He was so rude I asked for his autograph and all he wrote was thanks.
- I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude. The look on his face was priceless.
- Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude... He's been pushing me around and talking behind my back.
- Is it rude to go up to someone with an eyepatch and say "Was it all fun and games up until that point?"
- I asked a pregnant woman if I could feel the baby She said that I could, but once I started rolling my sleeve up past my elbow she ran away. Rude.
- I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I could go in and look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so rude...
- For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping. He's in for a rude awakening.
- My dad asked me, What's your favorite Pixar film? I said, Up. Yours?
He said, wow! Don't be rude. It was just a question. - Every time I go through a fast food window They hand me my food and say sorry about the weight. I know I could lose a few pounds but this is just rude.
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Rude One Liners
Which rude one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with rude? I can suggest the ones about rough and nasty.
- It's so rude when someone's phone goes off in class. Some of us are trying to sleep.
- My butcher is very rude I asked him for a cut of pork and he gave me the cold shoulder
- I don't mean to be rude, but the SuperBowl was boring. No offense.
- I hate the part of the conversation where the other person says things.
- What do you call a very rude Hobbit? A douchebaggins.
- What do you call a rude convict going downstairs? A condescending con descending.
- It's so rude to insult someone in Braille. Just think about how it makes them feel.
- Black humor is like food, not everyone gets it.
- What do you call a rude German? A Deutsch bag
- What does a rude Frenchman and a ruthless Englishman have in common? No Merci.
- Sure, I'd love to help you out... now, which way did you come in?
- Why was the Trebuchet so rude? It was an offensive siege weapon!
- Trees are really rude They're always throwing shade!
- Why are teachers so rude during summer vacation? Because they have no class
- What do rude French ducks say instead of pardon ? Quoi quoi qoui
Rude Swear Jokes
Here is a list of funny rude swear jokes and even better rude swear puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- For Christmas, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears instead of beeping. She's in for a rude awakening.
- For her birthday, the only gift I got my wife is an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping. She's in for a rude awakening.
- For her birthday, I got my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of ringing. She's in for a rude awakening.
- What's your best non swearing insult? I hope you step on a lego.
- I got a rude awakening this morning. My swear jar fell on my head.
- My brother dropped my swear jaw on my head this morning. That was a rude awakening.
Birthday Rude Jokes
Here is a list of funny birthday rude jokes and even better birthday rude puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My lesbian friend just bought me a rolex for my birthday. I don't mean to be rude, but that's not what I meant when I said "I wanna watch".
- I made dinner reservations for my wife's birthday and told the host there's an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card her.
- How old would you be if you didn't know how old you was?
- Which came first? The birth, or parental disappointment?
- My girlfriend isn't talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how. I didn't even know it was her birthday.
- The best present is the present made by your own slaves.
- You so ugly your mum ran up the stairs of the hospital when you were born and jumped off the roof.
- When you were born the doctor slapped your mama and said "oh goodie twins".
Extremely Rude Jokes
Here is a list of funny extremely rude jokes and even better extremely rude puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My dad asked me, What's your favourite Pixar film? I said, Up. Yours?
Dad: Wow, that's extremely rude! - A waiter accidentally slipped and threw curry all over an extremely rude customer... ... It was chicken karma
Humorous Rude Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life
What funny jokes about rude you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean obnoxious jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make rude pranks.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and s**....
There's nothing like the joy on a kid's face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Am I getting under your skin? The only skin you'll be getting under is my b**....
How do you pick up a Jewish chick. With a dust pan.
I'm drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that's how they'll look 90% of the time.
Why are women like parking spaces? Because all the best ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
Fat Penguin. Excuse me?! I just wanted to say something that breaks the ice...
Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Google is definitely a woman, it starts suggesting things before you can even finish your sentence.
You are so ugly if they laid you on the beach, not even the tide would take you.
It's been raining for 3 days without stopping. My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window. If the rain doesn't stop tomorrow, I'll have to let her in.
My neighbor is so inconsiderate!
He came pounding on my front door at 4am.
Thankfully I was already awake practicing my drum solo, but very rude!
Abortion - it really brings out the child in you.
Anyone got any similar puns?
Also:
- 9/11 jokes are just plane rude.
Rude awakening
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got this problem doctor. Every time we're in bed my husband climaxes, he let's out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.". "The problem," she complains, " is that it wakes me up."
A note to the guy behind me driving to work this morning.
Dear guy behind me driving to work this morning,
Don't get mad at me for driving the speed limit. It's there to keep people safe!
And don't get mad at me for not getting out of your way. You don't own the road!
And don't ever flash your lights and honk your horn at others to make them move...geez. Such a rude ambulance driver!
Who is the rudest person in my mathematical family?
Aunt Sally
I just bought a rotisserie but I might return it because it's so rude.
It's constantly f**....
I had a customer tonight with allergies [true story]
Rude Customer: Can you just make sure there's no nuts in my food? I can't eat nuts.
Me: Sure! My sister Anna can't eat nuts either. You might know her?
Customer: Oh?
Me: Anna-phallactic?
Customer: Oh.
Me: Just kidding, I don't have a sister.
Customer: Oh?
Me: She died. She ate some nuts and died.
Im wearing my grandfathers watch
A german guy walks up to me and asks if I can tell him the time. I say "nine"... he walks away complaining how rude american youth are.
I'm returning this rude rotisserie.
It keeps f**....
A man asks a blacksmith to refine some ore....
The blacksmith says "put the ore on the bench, then beat it. I'll do it once I've finished up at the grindstone". The man says to the blacksmiths assistant "that was rude" and the assistant replies "what can I say, he has an axe to grind".
I tried to make a few jokes about french people
they were all really rude so I didn't bother
A middle-aged teacher named Mrs. Jackson saw one of her first grade boys making rude faces at the preschoolers on the playground
She said "You know, Liam, when I was a little girl I was told that if I made ugly faces it might freeze and stay like that."
Liam replied "Well sorry Mrs. Jackson, but you can't say you weren't warned.
I often chastise my conservative grandpa for stereotyping black people..
I mean how rude it is to pick on jobless people raised by single mothers...
What's the rudest type of Elf?
The GofuckyoursELF
Table manners
Teacher:"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
Teacher: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
Teacher:'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
Johnny: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'
What did the boy tell the priest in the confessional?
Nothing.
It's rude to talk with your mouth full.
A man returns home from the golf course...
His wife asks him why he no longer plays with j**..., a long-time friend. He replies:"Would you enjoy playing with a swearing, rude cheat?"
His wife says "No, of course not".
Her husband answers:"Well neither does j**..."
A man is taking his dog for a walk through a graveyard early one morning.
A man is taking his dog for a walk through a graveyard early one morning when he sees an elderly man crouched by a gravestone. Not wishing to appear rude the dog-walker greets the elderly man with a cheery:
"Morning!"
The elderly man replies:
"Oh no, just taking a dump."
So I told my girlfriend that she'd look better with her hair back...
Which apparently is a very rude thing to say to a cancer patient.
I can't believe this happened
I was on the toilet, and shortly after I sat down I heard from the stall next door, "Hi, how are you?". Embarrassed but not wanting to be rude I said "doing fine?" Then I hear them ask "So what are you up to?". ?!?! "Um..." I said "Same as you I'd guess. Just sitting here." Then I'm completely caught off guard when asked "Can I come over?" "I'm kind of busy at the moment" Annoyed I responded. Then I hear "Listen, I'll call you back later, the idiot in the next stall is answering all of my questions."
I've never been interrupted while m**...
I've always had the pleasure of never being interrupted while m**.... I don't know if it's because I play it safe or the people next to me just don't want to be rude.
In the political correctness of 2017, is it still ok to call my wife the "ol ball and chain"?
Or is that rude to the ball and chain?
I have a Taiwanese friend who is is incredibly rude and bossy
He has a strong Taipei personality
What job are rude epileptics well suited for?
Salt shakers.
I met a rude Australian once
I asked him if he knew of a furniture store nearby. He said "Does it look like ikea?"
I called the a**... hotline and they were so rude to me
They said they only help victims
A patient walks into a doctor's office...
...seeking a prescription, and he can't help but notice that the doctor's writing on his clipboard with a r**... thermometer.
Not wanting to be rude, the man speaks up politely, "Uh, doc', not tryna' be impolite, but you're writing with a r**... thermometer."
The doctor pulls up his glasses, looks at the thermometer and replies, "Ah, some a**...'s got my pen."
What do you call a mean Jewish engineer?
A Rude Goldberg
I was rude to my doctor today...
...so he gave me the silent treatment.
A soldier walks into a bar.
A man in the bar strikes up a conversation with the soldier.
"So sorry if I'm being rude, but how'd you lose your leg?"
"e**... in the war. I miss my friends too much here and I want to go back. They won't let me with my injuries though."
"They still stationed in Afghanistan?"
"No, they're dead"
"My condolences. Have a beer on me."
"That's very kind of you sir but I'm not old enough to drink"
Hans, how was your first day at the Coast Guard Station?
Not so good... Very boring it was. Very quiet, most of zee day, but zen... a british guy said he was sinking.
He was sinking?
Yes, so I asked him about what he was sinking, and he never replied. How rude!
The next time you meet someone who says they're a civil engineer,
Tell them, "That's wonderful! Engineers are usually so rude!"
[sorry, not useful unless you meet a lot of civil engineers]
What's the rudest kind of elf? n**...
A go fuckyourself
I approached a lesbian at a bar.
I wasn't aware she was a lesbian at the time, so I asked if she would like to go home with me.
"How rude!" she responded. "Did you just assume my sexuality? I'll have you know that I'm not interested in men!"
I'm a fairly progressive man, so I wasn't going to let her beat me at my own game.
"How rude!" I shouted, catching her attention as she walked away. "Did you just assume my gender?"
A doctor walks up to his girlfriend...
He says, We're breaking up! He then proceeds to insult her.
Why are you being so rude? She asks, hurt.
In medicine, you always burn a wound to make sure it never opens again, He replies.
Someone made a rude comment towards me for breast feeding in public recently.
But what am I supposed to do? A mans got to eat.
My girlfriend won't let me talk to this girl I know because she doesn't like that we've slept together in the past
Seems rude to keep family apart....
My dad's sister, Artica, has been very rude to everyone ever since her husband left her
It's gotten to the point we're we've had to preface every meeting with:
Careful, Aunt Artica is very cold
So this lady is getting on the bus with her baby...
And as she gets on, the bus driver glances at her child, does a double take and says "Gaaaaahhhh!!"
Well, this disturbs the lady, but she sits down.
The passenger next to her sees that she's disturbed, and asks what's wrong.
"The bus driver was VERY rude to me!"
The passenger says, "Well, you should go give him a piece of your mind! Let me hold your monkey for you."
My wife kept saying that I was rude to her.
She told me I should talk to her like I would talk to my idol- The Rock.
So I said:
'You have a body that can turn a man gay!'
I had a rude awakening due to a loud noise.
Needless to say, I was alarmed.
Why are communists so rude?
Because they hate class
They say French people are rude...
but I know for a fact that about 172 000 of em' are Nice guys.
I'd always dreamed of being in NASA but it wasn't what I'd imagined it would be
For one all the people there were very rude. They kept saying things like "You shouldn't be here," "Oh my," and "I CAN'T CATCH HIM HE'S COVERED IN BABY OIL"
4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.
The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:
"I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
I got kicked out of church
Apparently it's rude to say going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Pets are like countries.
Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.
Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.
Parrots are like America. They blindly repeat anybody they believe is of higher intelligence, especially if the owner is Russian.
Goldfish are like Carpatho-Ukraine. They'd be lucky to last a year.
My wife waved her hands at me and said: Hey! Have you been listening?
I told her that this is a rude way to start a conversation
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Stunned, the woman sits down and complains to the man next to her. "I can't believe that rude driver! He was so insulting to me! I have half I mind to tell him off!" The man replies, "You should. Let him have it. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."
I understand that the doctor needs to feel my wife's b**...
But at the dinner table, it's just rude
Who's Santa's rudest elf?
Gofuckyours elf.
