rude Jokes

funny rude jokes and hilarious stories

INTRODUCTION

What are Rude jokes? Rude jokes are one of the most funny and hilarious. Here is list with the Top 416 rude jokes to have fun with friends and family. Most famous jokes about rude ever. Funniest rude sayings and gags.

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BEST RUDE JOKES

What are the best rude jokes? First are the Top 10 Rude jokes of all time. They are selected among the best 416 rude ever told. Below are some new and well-known jokes.

Why are black peoples nostrils so big? Because that's what God held them by when he was painting them.

black - christian - God -

Strangers have the best candy.

attitude - communication - people -

What do Brexit and Viagra have in common? They're both a cock-up.

insults -

Did you hear about the gay security guard who got fired from his job at the sperm bank? He got caught drinking on the job.

dirty - gay -

You should have your navel pierced so that you can have a place to hang the air freshener.

insults -

I'm already visualising the duct tape across your mouth.

insults -

People who want to share their religious or political views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

attitude - God - political - sarcastic -

Do you know why beer goes through your system so fast? Because it does not have to stop to change color.

CAPS LOCK – Preventing Login Since 1980.

IT - time -

Hi there, I'm a human being! What are you?

sarcastic -

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FUNNY RUDE JOKES

What are the funniest rude jokes of all time? Laugh with some of the best rude funny lines ever said. Here are the rest of all 416 jokes that are about rude.

My life is so shitty, Spike Lee wants to direct it.

A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff.

Why did the snowman's daughter become a stripper? Because he was so cold to her.

What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.

What do you call a Spanish guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.

Even if it wasn't cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume, she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

Am I getting under your skin? The only skin you'll be getting under is my ball sack.

What does an Ethiopian family look like? A barcode.

What's most interesting song? My girlfriend 's fart.

If I was a squirrel I'd chuck my nuts in your hole!

What's yellow and black and makes you laugh: A bus full of niggers going over a cliff.

Let's walk and talk. You go that way.

Me: "You said dress for the job you want." Boss: "Give me my clothes back."

Did it hurt when you felt from heaven?
Yeah, I died 5 years ago, like that puck up line.

What do you call your sister if she only has one leg? Eileen.

You've got two brain cells: one is in a wheelchair and the other one is pushing.

My Girlfriend was walking in her sleep so I put a vacuum cleaner in her hand...

I think the most exciting thing about being an adult is never knowing what part of your body is going to hurt the next day

My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.

I don't think you are stupid. You just have a bad luck when thinking.

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not.

What's the most popular pick up line in a gay bar? Can I push your stool in?

I don't care what you think you're good at, there's a 7-year-old kid on YouTube doing it better.

What is the true purpose of Valentine's Day? To remind single people they are single.

What did God say when he saw the first black person? Ooops, I burnt one!

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "A drinking problem."

Your so ugly when you were born your mom said "Oh what a treasure" and your dad said "Yeah le´ts bury it."

So, after beating the crap out of the nerdy kid in my class who always gets things right, I returned to the front of the classroom and resumed teaching.

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?

Hello, you've reached 1-800-NARCISSIST, how can you help me?

Even paranoids have enemies.

"Could you take a couple steps back. I have a nut allergy."

If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.

I'll be doing a book signing today at Barnes & Noble from 2pm until they kick me out for writing in random books.

Stephen Hawking has a great sense of humor. He does One-liners, but not a Stand-up comedy.

You're like school in the summertime - no class.

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "thank you" is all I need. Not all this "how did you get in my house?!" business.

Why did God make man before woman? You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

You are so ugly if they laid you on the beach, not even the tide would take you.

Cowgirls are like cow pats - the older they are, the easier they are to pick up.

I'm not insulting you. I'm describing you.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you was?

I asked my pilot if he'd be okay having sex with me on our flight. He replied, "I don't give a flying fuck."

Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever's bugging you.

What's the difference between wife and a blue whale? About 10 pounds.

Black humor is like food, not everyone gets it.

I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but he's still making fun of me.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

I took my new car back to the dealers, complaining it only did left turns - "drive in the opposite direction then" he said.

Are your parents siblings?

I thought my son would like that I bought him a trampoline, but oh no, he just wants to sit and cry in his wheelchair.

How do you stop a nigger from drowning? You remove your boot from the back of his head.

A woman is like a well-served table at which a man looks one way before he eats and differently after he ate.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. Retard shit is green.

A wise man once said, "There is safety in numbers". Yeah?! Well, tell that one to six million Jews!

I find it very offensive when people get easily offended.

Told my girlfriend that my mom is deaf, so speak loud and slow. Told my mom that my girlfriend is retarded...

I'm drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that's how they'll look 90% of the time.

Doctor: "Well, it looks like you're pregnant."
Woman: "Oh my God, I'm pregnant?!"
Doctor: "No, it just looks like you are."

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

Without ME, it's just AWESO.

Buy a prepaid gift card from Starbucks or another store for $25. Then use it for yourself till it only has 25 cents left on it. Present it as a gift to your fool.

What's the difference between Jews and a pizza? It's okay to burn a Jew!

Why wasn't Jesus born in the USA? Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

I saw a chameleon today so I guess it was a pretty shitty chameleon.

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.

What's the difference between the Chinese and racism? Racism has many faces.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception

Teacher: "Are you sleeping in my class?"
Student: "Well now I´m not but if you could be a little quieter I could."

"I see your grades are struggling..." said my mum.
So I said, "Like that button holding your trousers together..."

Give a man a gun and he will rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he will rob everyone.

Dear alma mater, please don't send wealth management workshop invites to those of us who majored in creative writing.

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?

What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.

To make mistakes is human. To blame someone else for your problem, is strategic.

I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement. At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'

"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

You owe me a drink, you're so ugly I dropped mine when I saw you.

Rape is a terrible crime... I'll never understand how a man can traumatize a woman like that. That's why I always make sure they don't remember...

She's so ugly, she made a freight train take a dirt road!

How can you tell which is the head nurse? The one with the dirty knees.

Welcome to Utah: set your watch back 20 years.

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

My girlfriend's such a bad cook, she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard.

You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

Everyone can be dick but you are an art form of a dick.

My girlfriend isn't talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how. I didn't even know it was her birthday.

You're IQ's lower than your shoe size.

I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

Shut up, will you?" "Oh, I'm sorry, Your Highness, should I go get you your coffee and tea now?

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn't answered a phone call since 2008.

What is the difference between a joke and 3 dicks? Your mom can't take a joke.

An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?"
The student replied, "It is obviously past."

Two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example.

A dad is washing the car with his son. After a moment, the son asks his father, "Do you think we could use a sponge instead?"

Introverts have fun too, we just don't care if you know...

A black person, a Asian and a Mexican jump out of a plane. Who wins? Society.

Sorry I missed your call, I was busy seeing how many times my phone would ring before you gave up.

You so fat the scale screamed "Get the fuck off me".

What do apples and black people have in common? They both look good hanging from a tree.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Yo mamma is so fat, the only good grade she got in school was an "A" in lunch.

What do you call a bunch of black people in an elevator? A box of chocolate.

I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it.

Sometimes I hide my girlfriend's inhaler so the neighbors think I'm a stud when they hear her panting, "Give it to me!"

Damn girl, are you a newspaper? Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day.

If I tell you I'm thinking about you, don't get too excited, because I'm also thinking about nachos.

I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried. Onions was a good dog.

What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler. Usain Bolt can finish a race.

The best present is the present made by your own slaves.

Person of the year award has been won by a scarecrow the judges said he was outstanding in his field.

Wife: "Honey? What do you think about my teeth?"
Husband: "They remind me of stars... yellow and far apart."

Sorry, I'm late. I got here as soon as I felt like it.

I don't want you to feel like you can't express yourself, but I do want you to stop talking.

You're so stupid you could count your balls all day long and never come up with the same number twice.

Aging gracefully is like the nice way of saying you're slowly looking worse.

I get queasy at the sight of my own blood, but I could paint a barn with yours.

I love my motorcycle - it's great for getting to the front of queues quicker. It does always terrify the other people in the post office though.

How did the snowman lose his head? Someone sat on his face.

Got a ceiling fan? Put some little piles of talcum powder on top of the blades and wait for somebody to turn it on. It'll be snowing indoors.

Some people are so happy to see you in the parade, so they have another reason to crap on it.

When a woman says "what?" It's not because she didn't hear you. She's just giving you a chance to change what you said.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.

Why do pills work? Because they're white.

How many Jews can you fit in a Voltswagen? 2 in the front, 3 in the back, 8 million in the ash tray.

You know you're fat when you step on the scale and it says "one at a time please".

I thought about my ex-girlfriend today, then I wiped my ads and flushed the toilet.

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

My love for you is like diarrhea, I just cant hold it in!

What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels comes alive when you add Coke.

Which is the word that starts with M and ends in ARRIAGE and it is man's favorite thing? Miscarriage!

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

What do men and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up.

Sorry I didn't text you back, but my phone recognized your number.

What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig? A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.

Why do nursing homes give Viagra to the old men every night? It keeps them from rolling out of bed!

How many retirees to change a light bulb? Only one, but it might take all day.

How do you pick up a Jewish chick. With a dust pan.

[man] Excuse me, would you like to dance? [women] NO! [man] Maybe u didn't hear me.... I said u look really fat in those pants!

I've got a new anorexic girlfriend. It's not going too well though. I'm just seeing less and less of her...

If my dog had a face like yours I would shave his ass and walk him backwards.

What do you call a turkey that's got no feathers? Thanksgiving dinner.

Does your head only have Udon noodles instead of a brain?

Who's your friend?

My wife complained that the vacuum sucks too hard on the rugs and I made a joke... anyway, I'm sleeping on the couch tonight.

What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed? Nothing.

Did you ever look at what's "Popular on Netflix" and think, man there are a lot of dumb motherfuckers watching Netflix?

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Why was Jesus a virgin when he died? Every time he touched a "wound" it closed.

Your mama so fat, when you kill her you got a 5 kill streak.

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

Try to use this vacuum, it may help you remove the cobwebs in your mind.

My son is an ungrateful little shit! I bought him a trampoline for Christmas, but he'd rather sit in his wheelchair and cry.

The story was really great. That's why I was closing my eyes the whole time trying to imagine it.

I'm not being rude, you're just insignificant.

You're the cumshot that your mom wanted to swallow but your dad couldn't pull out in time.

Cats are a great pet if you've ever wanted convenient access to a friend that hurts your feelings.

I hate two-faced people. It's so hard to decide which face to slap first.

To all the Dads out there, Happy Father's Day... you mother fuckers.

Why do Scottish men wear kilts? Sheep can hear unzipping trousers from a distance of 100 yards.

What happens to lacrosse players who go blind? They become referees.

Someone just honked their horn to get me out of my parking space quicker so now we will both be here until we're dead.

Son: "What's an inheritance?"
Me: "Nothing you need to be concerned with."

You so fat that when you stepped onto a scale it said. Bitch I never asked for your phone number.

If Snapchat has taught me anything it's that a lot of you females look better as farm animals.

Sure, I'd love to help you out... now, which way did you come in?

It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.

I'm not trying to boss you around just do what I say.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Why are women like parking spaces? Because all the best ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

When men say "I'm fine" they actually mean it.

Weirdos.

She's so fat, she's got more chins than a Chinese phone book.

We're you made in a lab, cause damn you are one failed experiment.

The only thing more important than your happiness is mine so get on it.

You so ugly your mum ran up the stairs of the hospital when you were born and jumped off the roof.

You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.

I called the Child Abuse Hotline. A kid answered, called me a fat cunt, and told me to fuck off.

She's so fat, she fell down and rocked herself to sleep trying to get up!

My midget friend got thrown out of the nudist colony because he kept getting in everyone's hair.

What would you call a woman who goes out with You? Desperate!

My mother in law has a massive case of diarrhea. She won't find out until she gets home and unpacks her luggage...

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

What do you call a bunch of black kids in a swimming pool? Coco puffs.

What's the object of a Jewish football game? To get the quarterback.

Crap. Something is wrong with my cell phone. {Oh Really. What is that?} Its just that...your numbers not in it.

I may not have a dick but you're a massive one!

If you're ever angry just punch an orphan. What will they do? Complain to their parents?

He doesn't know the meaning of fear... but then again, he doesn't know the meaning of MOST words.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass.

Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar? - Because she heard the drinks were on the house.

My sister is so fat then when we go out to the local buffet they see her coming and pot out the speed-bumps.

Swine Flu is the only thing left in Mexico that still does its job.

What has got two legs and bleeds? Half a dog!

Was your ass forged by Sauron because it is precious!

Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people.

Sorry I didn't respond to you just now. I was doing something productive and not wasting my precious time with your lowlife speeches.

How did they know Princess Diana didn't have dandruff? Because they found her head and shoulders in the glove box.

You can break a girl's head with a simple stone, and with a precious stone, you can break a girl's heart. But the wise say it is better with a simple one.

Want to dance? Or should I go to hell again?

Friend: "I don't want to bore you with my problems."
Me: "Awesome, thank you."

What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a nigger? Someone who is too lazy to steal.

A girl in a restaurant asked me "Are you single?". I happily replied "Yes". She took away the extra chair in front of me.

Music makes every day better, especially if you turn it up just loud enough to drown out all the people around you.

Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common? You don't look down.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?' I said ‘No, six should be enough.'

At our family BBQ's my dad would serve us briquettes and say the marshmallows burned.

You know, you're not that bad looking -- for a fat-ass.

I'm going to have to ask you to leave. We were just informed you are a humanitarian, and my wife is afraid you're going to eat her.

What do you call a Black Wizard? A Negromancer.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth?

A Mexican and a nigger jump of the Empire State Building,who hits the ground first? The Mexican, because the nigger stopped and wrote "Mother Fucker" on the way down.

You know what a fat girl and a moped have in common? They are both fun to ride until your friends see you!

Scooters and fat girls are both fun to ride. Until your friends see you.

What's the difference between a black guy and a dead guy. Neither of them go home to see their kids.

Umbridge? More like Umbitch.

What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs? Nice tits!

It's been raining for 3 days without stopping. My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window. If the rain doesn't stop tomorrow, I'll have to let her in.

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin mobile.

Actually, I don't think you're dyslexic; just really, really stupid.

Fat Penguin. Excuse me?! I just wanted to say something that breaks the ice...

What is the difference between a black and a bucket of shit? The bucket.

If I was a dog, and you were a flower, I'd lift up my legs, and give you a shower.

You don't like her? Drink more.

My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.

I don't think you act stupid, I'm sure it's the real thing.

Oh... I didn't tell you... Then It must be none of your business...

What do you get when you cross an Asian with a black? A car thief who can't drive.

I can't believe that you were the sperm that won the race, and your still slow.

What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing.

What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he's hooked up to? The computer runs.

Why did the soccer ball quit the team? It was tired of being kicked around.

What do pregnant teenagers and their babies have in common? They both think,"My moms gonna kill me".

Whenever I see you there is a smile on my face. And by smile I meant I laugh.

How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

You don't sweat much for a fat chick.

The three words most hated by men during sex? "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"

I'm like a bird... I shit on people's cars.

Why don't rednecks do reverse cowgirl? They never turn their back on family.

My dad never seemed to see the irony in calling me a son of a bitch he does it every day.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.

I'm trying to get on your good side, but I haven't found it yet.

There's nothing like the joy on a kid's face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

Yo mama so fat when she stepped on the weighing scale it said: "I need your weight, not your phone number."

I never forget my son's first words... "Where the heck have you been for 16 years?"

The new iPhone X has facial recognition. Some of you all ladies are gonna be locked out after you wash your face off.

What's the height of conceit? Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

All the people who had candy stolen from them as babies are now the adults buying girl scout cookies outside dispensaries.

You grow on people....so does cancer.

You can't tell me what to do, you're not my dog.

Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

There are a lot of female hormones in beer. When I drink five bottles I also can't drive a car and start behaving illogically.

I was polite today. I said please. Well actually, I said "bitch please"... But whatever.

How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Trump should not have said "shit-hole countries". The correct term is "turd-world countries".

I'm an antisocial-psychic. I can see ahead of time that I won't want to talk to you.

Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Cause you're annoying and won't shut the fuck up.

Got a neighbor who's a real patriot? Always flying the flag? Sneak out late at night and replace it with a large pair of boxer shorts.

Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.

I'm not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

You're like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.

Why don´t women have men´s brains? Because they don't have penises to put them in

What's the difference between a black dude and a park bench. A park bench can support a family of four.

What's the difference between a jew and a pizza? A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven!

How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.

How do you know an Asians just robbed your house? Your homework is done and he's still trying to get out with your car.

What's your best non swearing insult? I hope you step on a lego.

If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I'd fart.

I'm blonde. What's your excuse?

Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is realising the other person was born an idiot.

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Marriage is all about compromise. For example, today I agreed to never sit in certain chairs in exchange for one chair I can sleep in.

You have two parts of brain, 'left' and 'right'. In the left side, there's nothing right. In the right side, there's nothing left.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

Why can't two Asian's have a white baby? Because two Wong's don't make a white!

What did Spartacus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife? Nothing, he's gladiator.

Please go play with your brother. That's basically the reason we had him.

Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

What do they do with blacks after they die? Gut them and use them as wetsuits.

How can you tell if a man is happy? Who Cares?

The janitor said he took out the trash last night, he must forgot a piece, what are you still doing here?

Your way sounds super safe and rational. Let's do it my way.

If you are not part of the solution, you're probably running for President

I hugged someone once and they expected it every time they saw me. I'll never do that again.

Just asked my wife what she's "burning up for dinner" and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

I told my mom I'm happy and she said: "I didn't know you were gay."

Me (at work): "I think I'm having a heart attack."
My boss: "Do that on your own time!"

I made dinner reservations for my wife's birthday and told the host there's an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card her.

Why are there so many old people in Church? They're cramming for the final.

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.

Stretchy shrink-wrap can be loads of fun. You can get it at most office supply stores. Completely wrap a friend's car, bike, or motorcycle. Extra credit: leave a large pink bow on top.

Good morning to everyone except people who call to make sure you got their email (like 30 seconds after you got it).

Stupidity comes in all shapes and sizes. Some of them even look like people.

Sugar - Honey - Iced - Tea ... Guess what it means.

I'm watching my neighbor through the blinds, he's so creepy.

Women are supposed to be like butterflies, beautiful and hard to catch. But most of you all are like mosquitos, annoying and easy to smash.

The first step to causing drama is making sure you tell everyone you hate drama.

If I'd shot you sooner, I'd be out of jail by now.

What's the difference between a Jew and a bullet? The bullet gets out of the chamber.

You're like a fat stump, I'm always falling over you.

What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common? By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

There's no 'I' in team, but there is a 'U' in suck.

If you say "I knew you were going to say that" enough. You can start billing people for psychic readings.

Is bullshit one word or two? I just want these Valentine's cards for my prayer group to be perfect.

Jesus fed 5,000 men but Hitler made 6,000,000 jews toast.

A tree house is the biggest insult to a tree. "Here, I killed your friend. Hold him."

What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day? Ughs and kisses!

When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise!

Champions Levi's and Fila belong to cheap people that's why only Mexicans wear them.

If it's tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them?

Why doesn't Jesus eat M&Ms? They fall through the holes in his hands.

Nurse: "We need a stool sample and a urine sample."
Man to wife: "What did she say?"
Wife to husband: "They want your underwear."

You're not fat, you're just so full of shit.

Hitting birds is illegal and you get a big fine, I learned this when I kicked a pelican... I ended up footing a massive bill.

Canadians are more polite when they are being rude than Americans are when they are being friendly.

Hitler's orange Jews. 100% concentrated.

A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

The founders of Foursquare came up with the name of the company when using off-brand toilet paper.

I tried eharmony. They kept matching me up with women who look like me in a wig. I'd be too intimidated to date someone that attractive.

The media's relationship with Hillary is just like Bill's relationship with Hillary. The relationship is unwanted and forced, and they'll move on to the next person any chance they get.

Why do midgets laugh while running through the yard? The grass tickles their nuts.

I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper.

My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that...

I was at a restaurant and I noticed my waitress had a black eye. So I ordered very sloooowly because obviously she doesn't listen.

I came into this world screaming and I still haven't stopped.

When you were born the doctor slapped your mama and said "oh goodie twins".

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.

Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled while she was on her menstrual cycle? They say she had a mean flow.

Sit down, give your mind a rest - it obviously needs it.

What travels at 200km's a hour? A black man hearing a dollar drop to the ground.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair. I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

Sorry I'm late. I was trying to think of ways to get out of this.

Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant.

I cooked Pancakes this morning. I was thrilled but my kids weren't. Apparently, he was their favorite rabbit.

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic!

What do u call 1,000 black people on a plane back to Africa? A good start.

What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common? They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.

How do you Circumcise a Cracker? Kick his 3-year old daughter in the jaw.

If you're waiting for me to care, I hope you brought something to eat, 'cause it's gonna be a really long time.

You know you're getting old when you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Someone broke into my house last night and stole my Limbo stick. How low can you get?

Girl, are you a modern day savings account because I keep investing money in you but I'm not getting much interest.

My wife's maggot soup surprise is better than it used to be now that it is topped with coal ash.

If I ever use "Whatever" as a complete sentence, you better run.

Archeologist: someone whose carreer lies in ruins.

My friend's friend is my friend. My friend's girlfriend is my friend. My friend's boyfriend is just a scum.

I hate the part of the conversation where the other person says things.

She is so fat if you told her to haul ass it would take two trips.

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

What's the easiest animal to shoot? Fish, because they're always found in schools.

When a young white girl saw a blind person, her mother told her not to stare. She doesn't look at Asians anymore.

You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you're doing your best.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

What do you call 1000 Mexicans at the bottom of the sea? A good start.
What do you call 1000 black people at the bottom of the sea? An even better start.

Google is definitely a woman, it starts suggesting things before you can even finish your sentence.

I got lost in your eyes. But I also get lost in most department stores, so I wouldn't read too much into it.

What does a 75-year-old woman have between her breasts that a 25-year-old doesn't? Her navel.

A woman once wanted me to father her child no strings attached. In other words, "I like your genes, but I don't like what you've done with them." I agreed but with one condition. She had to put it up for adoption.

Why do blacks smell? So blind people can hate them too.

You sound a lot like the Terms and Conditions, that's why I don't give a shit about what you have to say.

Which came first? The birth, or parental disappointment?

I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother. It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

I had prepared for a battle of wits but I see you came unarmed.

What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.

What's the difference between a blonde and a guy? The blonde has the higher sperm count.

Why should you not make fun of a crippled person? Because he can't stand the jokes.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Why do black people drive on the left side of the road? Because they don't have any rights.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

How do Asians name their kids? They throw them down the stairs and see what kind of sounds they make

Anyone who says "good morning" on a Monday is a sociopath.

How do we know the earth isn't flat? If it were flat, cats would have already pushed everything off of it.

I should have known it would never work out between me and my ex-girlfriend - after all, I'm a Pisces and she's a bitch.

Why does a blond wear a tight skirt? To keep here legs closed.

My girlfriend told me she was going to get pregnant and if wouldn't do it, she was going to the sperm bank! Boy, I gave her a mouth full!

I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass.

How do you make your wife scream during sex? Call her and tell her about it.

What do Hollywood actresses and Houston, TX have in common? They both got fucked by Harvey.

What's the difference between a Boy-Scout and a Jew? Boy-Scouts get to leave camp.

Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and a moped? A moped can make it to 30.

I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

Your blow up date saw you naked, and self deflated.

A guy and a dog are siting at a bar. Dog says to guy, you think your wifes a bitch!

What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? "Oh sheet!"

A black man and a Mexican were both in a car - who was driving? The police officer.

How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree? Wave.

Why is it hard to play the card game "Uno" with a group of Mexicans? Because they all take the green cards.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Did something bad happen to you or are you just naturally ugly.

Stop with the blind jokes ... I don´t see the point.

If I wanted your opinion, I would give it to you.

Happy Valentines Day, who's your date today, your mom?

A slut is someone who'll have sex with anyone, a bitch is someone who'll have sex with anyone except you.

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ABOUT

What are Rude jokes about? Rude is if great topic to laugh at. Some of the funniest jokes ever are about rude.

Are Rude jokes funny? For sure! There is no such thing as boring rude joke here. All jokes are funny in their own way. You can also view rude jokes images on Pinterest or watch videos with rude jokes on YouTube.

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best rude jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 416 jokes about rude. Most of the jokes are suitable for kids, children or teens boys and girls. You must supervise your chidlren not to read jokes for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty rude jokes to your kids.

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