Rubbing Jokes
83 rubbing jokes and hilarious rubbing puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about rubbing that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Rubbing Short Jokes
Short rubbing jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The rubbing humour may include short rubbed jokes also.
- Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes Genie: what will be your first wish?
Dave: I want to be rich
Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?
Rich: I want a lot of money - I got fired from my job as a masseur. There wasn't any specific incident, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
- I got fired from my job as a massage therapist My boss said I rubbed people the wrong way.
- i hate when homeless people shaking their cup of coins at me like yeah i know you have more money than me but you don't need to rub it in
- My friend and I signed up to win a lifetime supply of skin lotion. He won and I didn't The worst part is that he keeps rubbing it in.
- Why are genies always male? Well, there are female genies, but the men who find their lamp never know how to rub it just right.
- A truck carrying Vicks Vapor Rub overturned on the highway, but amazingly traffic was fine. No congestion for hours!
- My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture. Wow thanks I'm cured.
- I saw a homeless man aggressively shaking a cup of coins at me this morning I get it. You have more money than me. No need to rub it in
- My dad rubs Elmers Glue on his hands like lotion before he goes hunting. I know, it's weird, and I've tried talking him out of it... But he's sticking to his guns on this one. stubborn man.
Share These Rubbing Jokes With Friends
Rubbing One Liners
Which rubbing one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with rubbing? I can suggest the ones about rubs and back rub.
- What do you get when rubbing two oranges together Pulp friction
- One time, I wrote down so many double entendres... ...I had to rub one out.
- I was gonna tell a priest joke... But it would probably rub some kids the wrong way.
- What does a perverted frog say? Rub it, rub it
- I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes... I now have Heinzsight.
- What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog? RUB-IT RUB-IT!
- I've been prescribed anti gloating cream... Can't wait to rub it in.
- I had to quit the massage business. I kept rubbing people the wrong way.
- My doctor prescribed me some anti-gloating cream... Now all I want to do is rub it in.
- I've never trusted an amateur masseuse. They just rub me the wrong way.
- I like my women like I like my alcohol..... Rubbing.
- I rubbed ketchup in my eyes Now i have Heinzsight.
- Woman are like sandpaper Only useful when rubbed on my wood
- Forrest gump finds a magic lamp he rubs it, and out pops "a Jennay."
- I don't like my masseuse... She just rubs me the wrong way.
Hilarious Rubbing Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about rubbing you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean back scratching jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make rubbing pranks.
How do you say jerking off in Spanish?
Rubbing Juan Out.
difference between e**... and k**...
e**... is is rubbing a feather all over your lover; k**... is using the chicken.
Tender touching
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great s**..., she spent the next hour just rubbing his t**... -- something she loved to do.
"That feels so nice" he said. Then turned and asked her, "You seem to love doing that, but why?"
Because, she replied, "I miss mine."
Drunk people are always fascinating
A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the roofs of the cars.
The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? " he asks the drunk.
"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it. "
"So how does feeling the roof help you? " He asked the drunk.
"Well," the drunk replied. "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!! "
An old married couple are sitting on their porch one morning...
...when suddenly the old lady lashes out with her cane and hits her husband on the knee.
"Ow! What'd ya do that for?" He asked.
"That's for 60 years of bad s**...!"
He stewed in silence a few moments, rubbing his knee. All of a sudden he took his cane and thumped his wife on her knee.
"Ow! What's that for?"
"That's for knowing the difference."
i kiss my niece on her cheek
I lovingly gave my niece a kiss on her cheek upon seeing her at a family get-together. Afterwards, I noticed her wiping her cheek. Are you wiping off my kiss? , I asked her. No , she smartly replied, I'm just rubbing it in!
A horse walks into a bar
A horse walks into a bar and says "bartender, scotch on the rocks please!"
The bartender, rubbing his eyes in disbelief says "did.. did you just talk?!"
"Yes I have, why?" Said the horse
"It's just, incredible! I've never seen a talking horse! You know, you should really go talk to the local circus, they would LOVE to have someone with your skills!"
The horse replied "why? Are they short on electricians?"
after watching the Cricket for a few hours I think I finally understand it
they make that noise by rubbing their wings together
I saw my ex wife in a grocery store.
"Having fun there?" I asked her, as she felt up the apples. "Does that remind you of someone?"
She said, "No, but this does,"
Then she started rubbing the grapes.
My daughter keeps rubbing lemon skin all over herself.
I think she's pozest.
One Night, as a couple lay down to bed,
the husband gently starts rubbing his wife on the arm. The wife turned over and said "Sorry honey, I have an OBGYN appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
Dejected and rejected, the hubby tries to sleep. After a while he turns over to his wife and says "Do you have a dentist's appointment too?"
I was having some trouble with a crossword.
I said to my dad, "I'm stuck on this crossword. Six letters, a broad road in a town or city. I still haven't got it!"
"Avenue?"
"No, I haven't, stop rubbing it in."
Before my grandfather died, we tried rubbing lard all over his back.
He went downhill rather quickly after that.
TIFU by rubbing yeast infection cream on my face
whoops wrong scrub
Why was there never an Aladdin 4?
Because he kept on rubbing the wrong lamp.
So, a girl was giving me a h**......
and I told her to stop because she was rubbing me the wrong way.
Why do feminists hate rubbing the body?
Because it's massage-gynistic
Therapy dogs are like strippers
The relationship is over once the rubbing is done
Use rubbing alcohol when you're hurt on the outside.
Use drinking alcohol when you're hurt on the inside.
Why do tectonic plates keep rubbing each other up without any reason?
They have some dispute over whose fault it is.
Old genie joke...
Three men find themselves stranded on a deserted island. After several years, despite their differences, they become close friends out of necessity. One day, they find an old lamp. On rubbing it clean, they release a genie who grants them each one wish.
"I wish to return to my old life!" Two of the men shout, disappearing in a puff of smoke.
The third man, a little slow, looks around at the empty island. Overcome by loneliness, he mutters, "I wish my friends were here."
Someone called me a massagenist recently.
I was offended; rubbing backs is a woman's job.
Went to a podiatryst the other day
It was just two people rubbing each other's feet. I got uncomfortable watching and soon left.
So, Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper...
So Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper when the apostles notice he has closed his eyes, and is rubbing the bridge of his nose. Exasperated, he asks: "Why... WHY would anyone order wine?"
I asked my gym teacher if it was normal to get an e**... in the shower, and he said it was.
So then I asked him to at least stop rubbing it on my back.
Teacher: We found drugs in your son's backpack
Parent: Oh wow, really?
Teacher: Yes, it's very concerning
Parent: Very.. *rubbing chin*.. he should have sold them all by now
My English teacher constantly makes fun of me because I confuse my prepositions.
He's always rubbing it out.
It looks like Jared and Ivanka's Judaism is really rubbing off on Trump.
He's even cleaning out his Cabinet for Passover.
I walked in on my little son vigorously rubbing shampoo on his shoulders...
...when I asked him what he was doing he matter-of-factly replied, "Mom the bottle says 'Head and Shoulders.'"
A horse walks into a bar
and says "bartender, one beer please!"
The bartender, rubbing his eyes in disbelief says "Did.. did you just talk?!"
"Yes I have, why?" Said the horse
"It's just, incredible! I've never seen a talking horse! You know, you should really go talk to the local circus, they would LOVE to have someone with your skills!"
The horse replied "Why? Do they need a plumber?"
A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently massaged cold cream on her face.
*"Why are you rubbing that on your face, Mommy?"* he asked.
*"To make myself beautiful,"* said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
*"What's the matter?"* he asked.
* "Are you giving up?"*
Went for a meal..
Me and the Mrs went for a meal , things got a bit kinkey so I started rubbing my foot up her leg........ anyway I got a stake and she got toad in the hole
During the annual cavemen conference ...
Greg : so I kept rubbing this rock against another rock until it became very thin and now I can cut vegetables,meat using this . I call this "The Knife" .
Chief Gogo : wow , I thought no-one can beat Gorg's invention of using wheat flour and water to create a new food called "bread" but yours is a worthy contender
Greg " that's not it ,chief "
And then places a piece of bread on the stone and takes the knife in his hand
" What I'm about to do will blow your mind " .
I gave up jogging for health reasons
"I gave up jogging for health reasons. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire."
The wife was feeling k**... and tried jerking me off with her feet...
...but she was just rubbing me the wrong way.
Every ten minutes someone somewhere is told they have breast cancer
They probably heard the first time. No need to keep rubbing it in.
What did the neckbeard call the children's author who was rubbing his back?
*M'Seuss*
Walt Disney notices a sharp pain in his knee.
He starts rubbing it, icing it, elevating it on a pillow. But over the following days it only grows worse. He visits his doctor and reports this pain.
Which knee is hurting you, Walt?
The famous film producer points to his left knee.
Disney.
An Irishman and an Englishman find a lamp
Upon rubbing it a genie pops out and says For freeing me, I will grant you each one wish!"
The Englishman says "I love my country, but it's being ruined by foreigners. I wish a wall to be built around it so that no one else can get in."
The genie says, "Done. And you, Irishman?"
The Irishman looks thoughtful for a moment and says, "Tell me more about this wall."
The genie responds, "It is twenty miles tall, a hundred feet thick and made of granite. Nothing can get in or out."
The Irishman says, "Fill it with water."
Friction walks into a bar
And orders a shot of rubbing alcohol.
PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.
If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your a**..., and c**... on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.
After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well...
During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the s**... play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.
The other day I got caught rubbing my b**... on a new parking lot
It wasn't my fault, it was my asphalt.
In retrospect, I should have known rubbing ketchup on my eyes would be useless.
Oh well, Heinz-sight is 20/20 I guess.
The same woman lost her car keys.
Her husband comes out and says, "What's wrong?"
She says, "I lost my keys!"
He takes off his trousers, rolls them into a ball and starts rubbing the ignition switch. Magically the vehicle starts up.
"WOW! How did you do that?"
"Honey, these are my cargo pants."
Volcanic eruptions are just the earth rubbing one out
If you catch my continental drift. (;
I'm trying to spice up my s**... life
So I started rubbing myself with oregano
The tunnel
An Englishman, a Frenchmen, a young woman, and an old lady, are sitting together on a train when it goes through a tunnel. A loud slap is heard, and then the Frenchman is rubbing his face.
The old lady thinks 'I bet he tried to touch the young woman, and she slapped him'
The young woman thinks 'I bet he tried to touch the old lady thinking it was me, and she slapped him'
The Frenchman thinks 'I bet the Englishman tried to touch the young woman, and she thought it was me, so she slapped me'
The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for the next tunnel so I can slap him again'
My friend loves to talk about their new skin lotion.
He just keeps rubbing it in.
An Englishman a Scotsman and a Irishman are trapped on a deserted island
One day a magic lamp washes up on shore. After rubbing the lamp a genie appears and promises them a wish each.
The Englishman says "I wish I was back at my favourite pub in London drinking beer with my mates". The genie wisks him away.
The Scotsman says "I wish I was back in Edinburgh drinking a bottle of whisky making love to my wife". The genie again wisks him away.
The Irishman is left and says "It's a bit lonely here now I wish my two mates were back here with me".
Why did the masseuse have to close up his shop?
He kept rubbing people the wrong way.
My wife wanted to get a b**... job but it's expensive
I said try rubbing toilet paper between your t**.... She said will that make them bigger. I said, well it worked on your a**....
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your n**... body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently you can't do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
A man stumbles across a magic lamp while walking in a forest
Upon rubbing it a genie appears and says that for freeing him he will grant him one wish.
The man thinks for a while and finally says :
" I wish that I peed out don perignon champagne"
The genie albeit confused grants the wish.
The man quickly hurries home and tells it all his wife.
The wife excitedly fetches some champagne glasses.
To which the man says "Oh no honey, tonight you drink from the bottle"
My Ex-wife Wanted a b**... Job.
In an effort to save money, I told her that taking a few sheets of toilet tissue and rubbing it between her b**... twice a day would make her b**... grow. So my ex did this diligently for 3 months. Finally, after seeing no improvement, she came to me with a look of disappointment on her face. She asked "Are you sure rubbing toilet paper between my breast will make them grow?"
I replied, "Yeah; look how big it made your a**...."
My co-worker got fired from our massage place yesterday.
I can see how he was rubbing people the wrong way.
When I am bored I enjoy rubbing dried herbs into my palms.
I have way too much Thyme on my hands.
One for the ladies
A man is doing yardwork while his wife is wife is gardening when he notices the similarity between her b**... and the charcoal grill.
So he yells, " Hey honey you better start eating more of those veggies because your a**... is as big as the grill."
Later that night, he is feeling frisky and starts rubbing on her b**....
She replies, " What, you think I'm going to fire up this big a**... grill for just one little w**...?"
So I was rubbing down this broad at my massage therapy job, and I asked if her husband was paying.
She asked if i was a misogynist.
I said "Listen honey, its pronounced masseuse."
What did the doe (female deer) say as she was rubbing herself while leaving the meadow?
I'll never do that for 2 bucks again
I find myself buying the same mosquito repellent my boyfriend gives me
I guess you could say he's rubbing Off on me
[Meanwhile, at the Jedi Temple]
[Meanwhile, at the Jedi Temple]
OBI-WAN: [Rubbing his chin] There's only one thing on Dathomir that concerns me
ANAKIN: Which is, Master?
OBI-WAN: Exactly
ANAKIN: .....
They say rubbing alcohol fixes outside wounds, so what fixes inside wounds?
Drinking alcohol!
My wife's small b**...
She's complained for years about them being small.
"Try rubbing toilet paper between them, they'll get bigger."
"How do you know it will work?"
"Look at you a**..., it worked for it."
