rubber Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious rubber puns

I'm never going bungee jumping.

I came into this world due to broken rubber, I'll be damned if I leave because of it.

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A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber penises, floated in the vicinity.

The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the water, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.


"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.

"How could you possibly know what kind of ship it was?" replied the pilot.

"It was a dictatorship."

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My wife is deathly afraid of snakes so I got her last year by placing a rubber Copperhead in her glove compartment.

She nearly shit herself! Sadly, she finally got me back today and I must admit it was pretty crafty.

She knows that every morning I have a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast so last night before she went to sleep she fucked my brother and emptied my bank account.

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Never in my life will I ever bunjee jump

Came into this world because of broken rubber and you'll be damn sure as hell I ain't leaving because of one either.

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What does a prostitute and a bungee jump have in common?

They both cost a lot, last 5 seconds, and if the rubber splits you're fucked.

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What do you call a mexican with a rubber toe?

Roberto

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Have you heard of the musical condoms?

They started a rubber band.

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What do anal sex and bungee jumping have in common?

If the rubber breaks, you're in the shit.

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how is bungee jumping like having sex?

a life depends on whether or not the rubber breaks

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What's the difference between a 4 year girl and a 40 year old woman?

A 4 year old's favourite toy is a rubber body without any genitals. A 40 year old's favourite toy is a rubber genital without any body.

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What sound does a rubber airplane make?

Boeing

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Why are rubber tires black?

So the police know what to shoot at during a chase

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A farmer has a new handsome assistant

A farmer has a new handsome assistant. One morning they want to go out into the fields to work. At the garden gate the farmer sees that the roads are muddy and realizes that he forgot his rubber boots (Wellingtons for the Brits ;)
He tells his assistant to go get the boots from the house. The assistant returns and finds the farmers very pretty wife, along with the equally pretty daughter sitting in the kitchen. He tells them: "The farmer just said it would be alright if I had sex with you right now!" The women look sceptical, so the assistant opens the window and shouts to the farmer: "Both?"
Farmer: "Of course both of them, what do you think?!"

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My Mom told me I shouldn't try bungee jumping...

I came into this world because of broken rubber, shouldn't test my luck and go out the same way.

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Proctology Exam

A Guy goes into a proctologist's office for his first exam.

The doctor told him to have a seat. In the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools he noticed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table.

A tube of K-Y jelly;
A rubber glove; and
A beer.

When the doctor finally came in the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, Helen! I said a BUTT LIGHT."

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I would never bungee jump...

I came into this world because of a broken rubber and I'm not going out cause of one.

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A horny married couple

A horny married couple stumble into their bedroom all over each other. As things progress, the wife sits up and says "you wait here while I slip into something a little more comfortable." She gets up and disappears into her walk-in closet.

The husband sits up and undresses. He reaches into his drawer and grabs a rubber and starts to slip it on. Then the door opens and the couple's son walks in right as the husband has both hands firmly on the condom around his shaft. The husband lets out a high-pitched, surprised yelp and quickly covers himself with a pillow.

"Hey dad, what are you doing?" the son asks curiously. "Oh uh.....I uh.....I thought I saw a rat under the bed." says his dad. "Oh." replies the son. "Well what were you trying to do, fuck it?"

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Why is bungee jumping, and a prostitute similar?

You pay money for some quick fun and if he rubber breaks, you're dead!

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Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!

Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..

Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

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Guy: Doctor my girlfriend is pregnant but I always wear contraception and the rubber never breaks

Doctor: Let me tell you a story, there once was a hunter who always carried a gun with him. But one day he forgot his gun and brought an umbrella with him instead (cause it was raining). Then a lion jumped at him but he shot it with the umbrella

Guy: Nonsense, someone else must have shot the lion!

Doctor: Ahh, so you understood my story. Next!

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As much of a thrill-seeker as I am, I would never bungee jump...

I came into this world because of a broken rubber and I'm not going out because of one...

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What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?

Both of them cost $100 and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed!

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What do you call a Spanish man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

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[Long] A couple and their 9 kids are waiting for a bus...

A couple and their 9 kids are waiting for a bus along with a blind man. As the bus arrived they found it nearly full so only the woman and kids were able to get on. As the bus drove off the husband and blind man started walking. After a while the husband, irritated by the constant sound of the cane, asked the blind man could he put a rubber tip on the end of his stick. The blind man smiled, replying, "Well, if you had put a rubber tip on the end of your stick we'd both be on the bus right now."

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What does having sex with a hooker and bungee jumping have in common?

If the rubber brakes, you're screwed.

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Guy: My girlfriend is pregnant. We always used protection and the rubber never broke. How did this happen?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!

Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..

Doctor : Good! You understood the story.

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Bungee Jumping.

Just asked my Mum if I could go bungee jumping, her reply was "Son, you came into this world because of a broken rubber, you're sure as hell not going out due to another one." - Thanks Mum

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Car Keys

Tom and Barney got out and locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to remove the key from the ignition.

Realizing their mistake, Tom asked, "Why don't we use a coat hanger to open it?"

"No, that won't work," answered Barney. "People will think we're trying to break in."

So Tom suggested, "What if we use a pocketknife to cut around the rubber, then stick a finger in, and pull up the lock?"

"No," said Barney. "People will think we're too dumb to use a coat hanger."

"Well," sighed Tom, "we'd better thing of something quick. It's starting to rain, and the sun roof is open!"

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How come pencils are unable to have children?

It's because they have a rubber at the end. [heard this from a friend who heard it from a 90 year old man]

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A man goes to the doctor...

With a pain in his ass. After not being able to ascertain the problem through conversation. the doctor calmly puts on a pair of rubber gloves and asks the man to bend over.

After some poking and prodding, the doctor is amazed to pull a dollar bill from the man's behind. Shocked, the doctor proceeds to investigate further, when he pulls out yet another dollar bill.

After this the doctor find a five dollar bill, then a ten, then a one hundred dollar bill.

The doctor continues to pull money out of this man's ass. It just keeps coming. Hundreds and hundreds of dollars just seemingly out of no where.

Eventually, after much more exploration the doctor looks over to see a pile of money stacked up on the bed besides the man. He counts up the money and finally says:

"Sir, you have one thousand nine hundred dollars in your asshole! ONE THOUSAND NINE HUNDRED DOLLARS!"

The man turns around and says:

"I knew I wasn't feeling too grand."

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Whats the resemblance between a prostitute and bungee jumping?

You enjoy them both untill the rubber snaps.

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What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

My friend had some random guy come up to him in LAX and tell him this joke. No context, and no conversation afterwards. Just ten words and then gone. It's pretty much become my favorite joke because of that.

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Another Blonde Joke

Two blondes stood by a car in which they had accidentally locked the key.

We need to get in there, says the first blonde. Why don't we use a coat hanger to slide the lock open?

No, says the second. People'd think we're trying to steal the car.

I have a pair of scissors, says the first. We could use it to cut around the rubber, then stick a finger in and pull up the lock."

No, they'd just say we're too stupid to use a coat hanger.

Well, we'd better think of something fast, sighed the first blonde. It's starting to rain and all the car windows are open.

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The Cucumber, The Pickle, and The Penis (I Love This Joke)

So there was a cucumber, pickle, and penis talking about how bad their lives were.

The cucumber says, "My life is terrible! When I get big and hard they chop me up and put me in a salad!!"

The pickle says, "That's nothing! When I get big and hard, they stick my in a jar full of vinegar and vacuum seal me!"

The penis says, "My life is the worst! When I get big and hard they put a rubber tarp on my head and stick me in a dark room and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!!!"

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An old man is walking through a crowded cafeteria...

Blocking the exit is a man with 14 children.

The old man scowls and makes his way through the children, but his metal cane hits some of the childrens' legs as well as the man's legs.

The man angrily says "Hey, could you put some rubber on that tip of yours! You're bangin' us up!"

The old man haughtily replies "If you had done that before then we wouldn't be in this situation!"

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What are the most funny Rubber jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Rubber? Well, here are the best Rubber dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Rubber pick up lines to share with friends.

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